Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays

The holiday season is here, and whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Repeal Day, National Cupcake Day, whatever it be, it’s a season of giving. I was in a particularly charitable mood myself Friday night, and started a new monthly giving program called Beers On The Bike Trail, it’s more better than your ordinary scratch-off. All it takes is a ride to the park, grab a six pack on the way, and place them at different parts of the trail you could enjoy a beer. Check it out.

Western as fuck Dale’s all over Quarry Ridge in Madison. Come and get ‘em!

Moving on, and back to the point, reviewed is some bullshit that you don’t want to ask for, or give this holiday season. And I’ve offered some alternatives for you to think about as well. Call it, The Official Drunkcyclist Holiday Bullshit Detecting and Shopping Guide. Enjoy.

1) Rapha Espresso Set $65

Set of two (2) espresso cups and saucers. Fine-porcelain demitasse and saucer with Rapha logo. Designed in California, made in China, they are delicate enough to withstand nothing but the gentlest pinky-finger-pointing of use at home and in the café. The finest and priciest coffee vessels available, but actually the same quality as say, a cup/saucer combo from IKEA, just 1,100% more expensive. You have ego? You have money? We’ve got you covered. Rapha, where insecurity meets stupidity.

2) STRAVA Premium $59/year

For only $4.91 per month, you will now have access to:

  • Filtered Leaderboards: Giving you the ability to track your speed against people in your own age and weight class. This might actually be a safe bet given the recent onslaught of STRAVA Terrorism that is seizing KOMs from your local iPhone heros.
  • Suffer Score: Lets you quantify your suffering with heart rate tracking and determines how hard you’re working. Sound stupid? That’s because it is. Actually, it’s idiotic.
  • Detailed Pace Analysis: A tool for runners (err) to see their intensity of their runs.
  • Detailed Power Analysis: This get’s your watts up because it estimates your power output to get analysis for your rides. Crazy right? I can’t make this shit up..
  • Detailed Heart Rate Analysis: Does this work in the sack?

I’m sorry STRAVA, but this is one half-assed attempt to drive revenue. For $59 per year, it may be cheap enough for some KOM crushing numb-skulls to open their wallets, but what is offered with this premium service is complete nonsense, and to be honest, I’d be hard-pressed to use it even if you were paying me. Added with your recent attempt to cover your CEO’s ass (Thursday) from his participation in our comment section, Cupcake will not be subscribing, or gifting this to any of his fellow bikey friends. I’d rather buy a Shake Weight.

3) Anything from USA Cycling

A corporation that limits the enjoyment of cyclists by the millions, USA Cycling dominates the competitive race scene in America and continues to relentlessly pursue control in matters it shouldn’t be involved. If you haven’t already, take a peak at what they are doing to the dirty drunk race sport otherwise known as cyclocrossProtruding it’s tentacles into every facet of the game, USA Cycling views tradition like they do a drunk virgin; steal it, own it, wreck it. Instead of spending all your beer money to cover the increasingly expensive entry fees for these outrageously “competitive” dick swinging contests, why not take a peak at some of your other options, many of which provide music, beer, and laughter upon finishing and are true enablers of fun. Make it easy for yourselves this holiday season and buy your family a trip to one of Epic Rides events next year. Yep, hell of a time, and no USA Cycling to be seen.

4) Bottle Cage

For more information, visit King Cage. ‘Nuff said.                                      

 5) Electronic Shifters

Whether or not such silly equipment has a place in cycling is debatable. Certainly, among super freak workout geeks (seen above), having the ability to push a button rather flick a lever is necessary when shifting into gears of speed, but amongst the common everyday bike entusiast, I just don’t see the point. Call me boring, call me poor, I just know that there is no amount of beer you can bring your mechanic that will make it better if he has to use a soldering iron go adjust your rear derailleur. The traditional elegance of the bicycle is its simplicity, and in this respect, electronic shifters go too far. We all have to plug our phones in to charge, our TVs, house lights, microwaves, computers and kegerators all need electricity. When I ride the bike I want to leave electronic equipment at home where it belongs. Keep the phone off (fuck STRAVA btw) and simply enjoy the ride and how it makes you feel. You can’t break an unbroken thing, but you sure as hell can fuck it up, and that’s what electronic shifting is doing.

.Take it for what it’s worth, or don’t, but in a society where the “Wow!” factor plays a bigger role than the “Why?” factor in our purchasing decisions, especially around the holidays, be sure to think about the long term consequences of such, well…ehh fuck it, Rudolf had very shiny nose. YouTube Preview Image

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About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

19 thoughts on “Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays

  1. Well fucking said. All that shit listed above is exactly what’s enabling douchebags to become even worse. I think this year, I’ma going start me a weekday evening short track series; entry fee beer or $5, mass start, no numbers, peeps gotta remember how many laps they’ve circled and so on. But really, I think people need to show up to a usacycling race thats in progress and jump in and pirate the prime lap (thats what they call it right), or full on drunkenly streak the cx race. How awesome would it be to see someone like Dirty jump into the final lap of a crit on his fatbike, while suckin down some Bullit?

  2. Keep it come DC you are so right about over priced velo vogue pretentious pinky cups. Maybe the rapha freds need to man up and drink some kopi luwak making sure they don’t spill it on their $180 jersery. FUCK YOU GOT ME PISSED OFF!! Thanks!

  3. Well said. And here’s one you left off the list – any training book by Chris Carmichael. Probably been bought already by anyone with a Rapha cup but everyone else WISE UP!

  4. 3 things:
    1) Rapha is awesome! When people buy silly expensive things, it’s called “rich, dumb people tax” and we should support it
    2) We all know how you feel about Strava. Can you buy a bunch of Stevil’s “My 100% not giving a shit beats your 8% faster” stickers and move on already?
    3) Every time I see a DC jersey I’m going to yell “Strava!”

  5. Dirty Cyclist,
    First, Rapha is not awesome. Buying their shit is not ‘rich peoples tax’. It’s more like rich people spending a small fraction of the money they ‘earned’ on shit they don’t need. Then Rapha spends the profits on hiring more outsourced labor to produce shoes made from the skin of late-term panda abortions. Also, Strava is detrimental to cycling, both in term of how non-bike riders view cyclists and what Strava does to facilitate the hyper-competitive douchiness. I have never been in my local mtn bike park and seen someone blow down a trail and near run someone over while saying, ‘drunkcyclist’. However, I have actually witnessed dudes literally run a 7 year old kid off the trail while chasing down a ‘PR’ (I heard him call his pal later at the top of the climb, to say he broke his record). It’s like the age old argument of whether people or guns kill people. Yes, it takes a person to fire a gun, but ultimately its the gun that kills the person. Strava is the same shit, it draws in the most competitive personalities to begin with and then allows them to crank up the volume x10. But, if I do see you on the trail Dirty cyclist, I will stop, say hi and offer you a beer.

  6. Dirty biker: sounds like tinytim wants your gun(s) and my Strava. I use Strava and I go for KOMs and PRs when it is safe. The douches you talk about are the same ones who blast by pedestrians at 25 mph on the Sacramento River trail. They did it before Strava, they still do it. Sure, Strava may encourage their behavior to some degree, but we are going to ban it for everyone else? Also, as far as others see cyclists, it only takes one a hole for some to paint the whole clan as evil: it’s called: “….the affect heuristic, which is a fancy way of saying that people make judgments by consulting their emotions instead of logic.” Of course I would stop for a beer and a conversation almost anytime.
    http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2012/09/cyclists_are_annoying_why_you_think_they_re_a_menace_on_two_wheels_.html

  7. Only 25mph on the river trail? Damn, back in the day Chad Gerlach and Darrin Baker would pull the group 40+ down that thing during the Sac river rides. It was sketch as fuck. Not getting dropped meant that there would be a slurpee drinking contest at the 7-11 at the end of the ride. Darrin Baker was the strongest rider I’ve ever seen. The dude could have a full on conversation while spinning a 53×12 in a davis headwind (and he was clean). Impressive.

  8. +1 tinytim I like sketch as fuck as long as families are not around. It’s a okay to put yourself at risk, but not other people…

  9. I remember getting dropped by Chad and co. back before he went pro. The river ride was a crashfest back in the day. I’m glad I still have skin from the few times I did that ride… fuck that noise.

  10. I’m just fast enough not to get passed very often, however if you try to pass me like it is a race I might (depending on my mood):
    1. Let you by (don’t count on it).
    2. Slow you down for a long time.
    3. Knock you clean off your bike and the trail.

    Be a dick at your own risk.

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