The holiday season is here, and whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Repeal Day, National Cupcake Day, whatever it be, it’s a season of giving. I was in a particularly charitable mood myself Friday night, and started a new monthly giving program called Beers On The Bike Trail, it’s more better than your ordinary scratch-off. All it takes is a ride to the park, grab a six pack on the way, and place them at different parts of the trail you could enjoy a beer. Check it out.
Moving on, and back to the point, reviewed is some bullshit that you don’t want to ask for, or give this holiday season. And I’ve offered some alternatives for you to think about as well. Call it, The Official Drunkcyclist Holiday Bullshit Detecting and Shopping Guide. Enjoy.
1) Rapha Espresso Set $65
Set of two (2) espresso cups and saucers. Fine-porcelain demitasse and saucer with Rapha logo. Designed in California, made in China, they are delicate enough to withstand nothing but the gentlest pinky-finger-pointing of use at home and in the café. The finest and priciest coffee vessels available, but actually the same quality as say, a cup/saucer combo from IKEA, just 1,100% more expensive. You have ego? You have money? We’ve got you covered. Rapha, where insecurity meets stupidity.
2) STRAVA Premium $59/year
For only $4.91 per month, you will now have access to:
- Filtered Leaderboards: Giving you the ability to track your speed against people in your own age and weight class. This might actually be a safe bet given the recent onslaught of STRAVA Terrorism that is seizing KOMs from your local iPhone heros.
- Suffer Score: Lets you quantify your suffering with heart rate tracking and determines how hard you’re working. Sound stupid? That’s because it is. Actually, it’s idiotic.
- Detailed Pace Analysis: A tool for runners (err) to see their intensity of their runs.
- Detailed Power Analysis: This get’s your watts up because it estimates your power output to get analysis for your rides. Crazy right? I can’t make this shit up..
- Detailed Heart Rate Analysis: Does this work in the sack?
I’m sorry STRAVA, but this is one half-assed attempt to drive revenue. For $59 per year, it may be cheap enough for some KOM crushing numb-skulls to open their wallets, but what is offered with this premium service is complete nonsense, and to be honest, I’d be hard-pressed to use it even if you were paying me. Added with your recent attempt to cover your CEO’s ass (Thursday) from his participation in our comment section, Cupcake will not be subscribing, or gifting this to any of his fellow bikey friends. I’d rather buy a Shake Weight.
3) Anything from USA Cycling
A corporation that limits the enjoyment of cyclists by the millions, USA Cycling dominates the competitive race scene in America and continues to relentlessly pursue control in matters it shouldn’t be involved. If you haven’t already, take a peak at what they are doing to the dirty drunk race sport otherwise known as cyclocross. Protruding it’s tentacles into every facet of the game, USA Cycling views tradition like they do a drunk virgin; steal it, own it, wreck it. Instead of spending all your beer money to cover the increasingly expensive entry fees for these outrageously “competitive” dick swinging contests, why not take a peak at some of your other options, many of which provide music, beer, and laughter upon finishing and are true enablers of fun. Make it easy for yourselves this holiday season and buy your family a trip to one of Epic Rides events next year. Yep, hell of a time, and no USA Cycling to be seen.
4) Bottle Cage
For more information, visit King Cage. ‘Nuff said.
5) Electronic Shifters
.Take it for what it’s worth, or don’t, but in a society where the “Wow!” factor plays a bigger role than the “Why?” factor in our purchasing decisions, especially around the holidays, be sure to think about the long term consequences of such, well…ehh fuck it, Rudolf had very shiny nose.by