Does my fat-bike give me beard?

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Sitting here at my desk on this crisp Friday morning feeling less than adequate with my new look, and in deep thought I ponder the world’s gravest ills. Politics, war, food shortages, shitty beer, and the sport of triathlon. Eventually wrapping my head around these misfortunes, I can only think of one question: Does my fat bike give me beard?

Here’s the scoop. On Tuesday the boss told me, “Shave your beard or don’t come back to work.” Seeing as though I’ve had my face jacket on about four years now, this was harder to swallow than a girthy, 12-inch submarine sammy. Not being able to afford losing my job and being forced to rely on apps that pay instantly to cash app, I got my weed-wacker out and chopped it clean, except for my 80s, pedo-porno ‘stache. Played that card a couple days to the tune of “Andy, you look disgusting.” and “Andy, grow up.” and “Andy, I want to be excited to see you but you look gross.”

You see, I’m a big boy now, and big boys shave every day, and wear nice clothing, and put on a smile even when they are pissed off. For better or worse, I’m that bug that won’t get out of your ear, and with everyone’s dispraise, I heard compliments; annoying people to a point of mental and physical discomfort. And so I kept my snot mop until last night, when I folded and she finally came off after an intensely fought battle.

So here we are. Once a gorilla-faced bulldozer, now a pussy-faced baby butt with little hope of a bright future. Asking myself things like, can I still ride my bike? Should I still ride my bike? Of course I “can” and “should” – I know that, but will there still be rewards and what do they look like?

Bikes and beards go together like peanut butter and whiskey. If you ain’t got one, you ain’t got the other. But sometimes, when you put down the Beam for a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, peanut butter starts appearing out of nowhere. So it looks like skinny bikes are out. Heading to MLPS this weekend with Pugs to grow hair. Let’s meet up if you’re around.

They say Red Bull give you wings, but my question is, will my fat bike give me beard? We can only hope…

About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

61 Replies to “Does my fat-bike give me beard?”

  1. @Mikey,

    I dunno, it all just sounds like expensive, complex, electronic shit that can go wrong.

    I could field strip my IT 465 & DT 400 on the side of the trail, I would never be able to do that with the Husaberg. Even my old XT 500 was totally user friendly & you could overhaul the engine in an afternoon with a 6 pack & a Clymer manual.

    Back in the day, (ooh, things have gone all soft & misty around the edges), I drove a 1600cc VW Beetle for the same reason, (Air cooled flat four, not this fucking disguised Golf travesty).

    I just like simplicity in my life, that’s why I love bikes.

    Fucking amazing that I work in the Computer Technology industry…

  2. The phrase “Back in the day” just proves that you are an old fuck.

    So. Back in the day, my first car, I drove a 1966 something or other. Can’t remember the name except it had a Slant 6 engine. I drove that thing in to the ground and it would not die.

    My teenage brain did everything to kill that thing but it refused to die.

    Pissed me off.

  3. Holy fuck, my first “car” was a ’64 Beetle. Managed to total it at a blistering 10 mph. Got rid of that deathtrap and drove a ’63 Plymouth Valiant sedan. Slant six and pushbutton automatic. And I, also, drove it into the ground. Been hooked on old MoPars ever since.

    Rode a ’74 DT 360 as my only transportation for about a year and a half. The old Thermaflow shocks and grabby rear brake made for some interesting times. Ahhh, Western Maryland winters…

  4. TTT, sounds like a Dart or Valiant. I had a ’64 Valiant (and a ’65, and a ’73 Dart w/ the 318. My dad was a MoPar man). I believe it still runs, even after being through 5 family members. Floor boards are rusted out, but it keeps plugging along. Even after the freeze plug blew on the motor. It’s nearly impossible to kill a Slant 6. I’m still keeping my eye out for a dusty barn holding some old, barely used Dart or Valiant convertible…

    The disc brakes from the 70’s Darts will bolt right on the mid-60s models. That fixes the problems with the front brakes, but the back are still finicky.

  5. Whoa, coincidence here. My first car was a ’65 bug— complete piece of shit, nickel-and-dmied my poverty-stricken college ass nearly to death. My second car was a ’64 Plymouth with the push-button tranny. That was all fine until one day all the buttons fell down inside the dashboard and I had to drive 100 miles home in second gear.

  6. @el jefe

    You got it.

    1966 Dodge Dart.

    White shell and a red plastic interior you would not believe.

    I loved it.

  8. …that’s been around for a while, mikey…

    …the tandem version is great for kinky sex…smooth roads, bumpy pavement, scary downhills – “…what’s you pleasure, girl ???…where shall we ‘do it in the road’ ???”…

  9. I loved my VDub, granted the brakes should have been called, “mild retardents of forward motion, (maybe)”, but I loved it.

    I treasure my copy of “How to keep your Volkswagen Alive” by John Muir, Every so often I wave it it in front of our Tech writers & say that “This is how you write a user manual!”

    Yamaha Thermaflow shocks, the first thing you did was replace them with BOGE MULHOLLANDs & then sell them to some poor unsuspecting Sucker, “They’ve got remote reservoirs & make sure that you mount them upside down like the MX guys”

    One day I’ll have to atone for that, things should have been used as battle clubs…

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