Does my fat-bike give me beard?

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Sitting here at my desk on this crisp Friday morning feeling less than adequate with my new look, and in deep thought I ponder the world’s gravest ills. Politics, war, food shortages, shitty beer, and the sport of triathlon. Eventually wrapping my head around these misfortunes, I can only think of one question: Does my fat bike give me beard?

Here’s the scoop. On Tuesday the boss told me, “Shave your beard or don’t come back to work.” Seeing as though I’ve had my face jacket on about four years now, this was harder to swallow than a girthy, 12-inch submarine sammy. Not being able to afford losing my job and being forced to rely on apps that pay instantly to cash app, I got my weed-wacker out and chopped it clean, except for my 80s, pedo-porno ‘stache. Played that card a couple days to the tune of “Andy, you look disgusting.” and “Andy, grow up.” and “Andy, I want to be excited to see you but you look gross.”

You see, I’m a big boy now, and big boys shave every day, and wear nice clothing, and put on a smile even when they are pissed off. For better or worse, I’m that bug that won’t get out of your ear, and with everyone’s dispraise, I heard compliments; annoying people to a point of mental and physical discomfort. And so I kept my snot mop until last night, when I folded and she finally came off after an intensely fought battle.

So here we are. Once a gorilla-faced bulldozer, now a pussy-faced baby butt with little hope of a bright future. Asking myself things like, can I still ride my bike? Should I still ride my bike? Of course I “can” and “should” – I know that, but will there still be rewards and what do they look like?

Bikes and beards go together like peanut butter and whiskey. If you ain’t got one, you ain’t got the other. But sometimes, when you put down the Beam for a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, peanut butter starts appearing out of nowhere. So it looks like skinny bikes are out. Heading to MLPS this weekend with Pugs to grow hair. Let’s meet up if you’re around.

They say Red Bull give you wings, but my question is, will my fat bike give me beard? We can only hope…

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About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

61 Replies to “Does my fat-bike give me beard?”

  1. getting old fucking sux – the man is always gonna keep you under thumb but as with any good book it isn’t the cover that is the best part.

    ride on

  2. This is some funny shit, Cupcake. Love it.

    If it helps, I am currently without beard. I grew one about two years ago and my wife told me it was creepy. It had a definite Unabomber vibe for sure…I may do it again this winter, just for shits and giggles.

  3. @Oh snap !!!!!

    D2 is right. This is some serious funny shit.

    I’m 48 with a full head of dirty blond hair. And a beard that is so gray that when I look in the mirror even I’m amazed.

    I look like a Hollywood freak.

  4. I feel your pain, m’brother. After a long stretch of joblessness in the Eighties I cut my freak flag for a gig at an Oregon newspaper.

    Day by day I let that sucker inch back out, knowing in my heart of hearts that someday I would be as hairless as a freshly laid egg. There was no time to waste. Use it or lose it, don’t you know.

    And then one day, after a long stretch of plugging staffing holes opened by management, aided by various Gaelic sidewalk-softeners, my supervisor sought a chat. My on-the-job attire, which predated “Casual Friday” by the better part of quite some time, and lasted all week long, would not do, she said. Never mind you that I was an assistant editor who rarely met the public outside of a pub, and whose shift started at 4 a.m. The uniform of the day was some yuppie bullshit and a deeply personal relationship with the razor.

    So I said fuck it, went looking for work, and took the first job I could find back in Colorado. But that’s a whole other story.

  5. This is 2012, I didn’t think that shit happened anymore (It’s certainly not legal. If you get fired for having a beard, unless it makes OSHA safety equipment not work, you have a good case. Even in TX. You already have the job. Just sayin’.) I guess what this means is that I have been in the Austin area for too long. I’m a bit of a freak because I don’t have a tatt…

  6. Would never happen down here in Hobbitton.

    Your boss & your company would be ripped to shreds by the courts.

  7. so, are you a machinist or work intimately with a wood chipper or a greeter somewhere or a line cook? this sounds like a matter of the dehumanizing culture of professionalism that goes beyond the threat of an errant hair follicle! wild fires in russia and the american west, the arctic death spiral, the koch brothers and prurient standards of personal hygiene in the workplace! the end is near. plant edibles.

  8. Your boss needs to get skull-fucked like the twat waffle he is. Once my boss told me to shave so the next day, with beard intact, I handed him a zip lock baggie of my pubes and then busted a nut on his prized teddy bear.

  9.’s nothing personal, cups…the beard reminded your boss of the massive follicular growth on his wife’s pubic mound & that’s something that’s always weirded him out on the 3 times he’s ever gone down on her in their 16 years of marriage…

    …with all the shaved &/or trimmed pussy he’s sees on internet porn these days, this is just some kinda deep seated psychological ‘substitution phenomena’ ‘cuz he’d actually like to give her that same edict but he’s too insecure to try that shit at home…

    …see ???…there’s always a simple explanation…

  10. I’d gladly spruce up for work.

    If I had work.

    Yeah, the private sector’s doing just fine.

  11. 1-I know you are but what am I?

    2-Humor? Boy, I’ve forgotten more about funny than you’ll ever know. Wouldn’t waste it on your kind though.

    3-Told you once before-I ain’t got patience to link shit. Get it through your head. Cripes, short bus much?

  12. Twat waffle.

    Consider it added to my repertoire…..

    Speaking as someone who is abysmally follicularly deficient in the facial department, four years of bearded bliss sounds like a win.

    I just look like trailer trash if I let it grow.

  13. Maybe if he grew one they wouldn’t step on his dog?

    Because dogs who belong to people with beards would not put up with that kind of shit! They’d rip off several appendages!!

    Oops, sorry POG, I’ve seen pictures of Buddy & he’d have to use a ladder, but you do own some seriously bad arse cats & cats are cool!

  14. I can copy and paste all day long. I choose not to. I hate how it disrupts the flow of the conversation.

    In my day, folks took pride in their ability to make a point without forcing others to look at possibly offensive material, often without warning. Their prose was more elegant, and to me more eloquent. el jefe, are you saying you can’t get through a day by simply expressing your own thoughts, clearly and concisely? That you must resort to digitally parroting that which has already been said by others? This does more than “explain(s) so much”. It speaks volumes to your intellect and your character, and it does not speak well.

  15. ‘I hate how it disrupts the flow of the conversation.’

    The idea you’ve ever had a legit conversation is so fucking laughable that I almost pissed my pants.

    But I decided to hold that piss for the sad day I ever meet you so I can piss in your face.

    el jefe is right.

  16. If you, or anyone else, ever… and I mean fucking EVER… reference pedophiles and Magnum Motherfucking, P.I. in the same sentence again, I will come to wherever you are and beat you until you understand what masculinity is all about. Zach Galafanakis with just a mustache = pedophile look. Tom Selleck’s mustache = all things manly. That mustache drinks sctoch and smokes cigars in an all mohogany furnished room with sexy cocktail waitresses.

    Get your head out of your ass.

  17. “…legit conversation…”

    What’s that,something like a “legitimate rape”?

    You and the Congressman have GOT to be related.

  18. “Magnum Motherfucking, P.I.”

    Magnum Motherfucking, P.I. was gay. He sucked more dicks than a 2 dollar whore in Vegas.

    You are and always will be a dick.

    And no. The mere idea of a legit rape is perverse.

  19. ‘Magnum DID dope. But he smoked it”

    How do you smoke a dick ? Is there some special recipe I never want to know ??

  20. …hack…again, thank you, sir…

    …having attended plenty of sports racing car & f1 races as a kid beginning in the late ’50’s into the ’60’s at both mosport (canada) & watkins glen (usa), the sport has always been a part of my makeup & as i mentioned previously that while senna was not necessarily my favorite driver, he was, in his era, one of my favorite drivers to watch…

    …that video was both brilliant & yet heart rendering in the emotions expressed by those that worked & raced with him & what was most touching was that whilst his driving abilities & on track intensity were well documented, many of the same folks giving those accolades were also the ones to speak tenderly of his character, his humility & his concerns for the less fortunate…

    …he was not a man to simply revel in the opportunities life afforded him despite his upbringing & f1 lifestyle…we were ultimately deprived of a human being who was already creating opportunities for others when he was cut down…

    …ayrton senna was a true zen master whether that occurred to him or not & my appreciation of him is that much greater nowadays…

    …this video choked me up several times…just sayin’…

  21. BGW: Once again you have hit the nail head. It’s the absolute genuis and balls to the wall intensity, guts and drive on the track – coupled with the humility off the track, that makes this guy so incredibly unique and truly inspiring. I love the part where they go to the common folk on the street – especially the last woman. Again, straight baller doesn’t even begin to describe this dude. He was on a whole different level.

  22. Well now wait a second.

    Mr. A. Senna was the best automobile driver we have seen. Mr. M. Schumacher had a good run, and that S. Vettel kid impresses… the modern F1 field is exceedingly level.

    Google up this weekend’s race at SPA Francorchamps. Fucking n00bs. Discuss.

    So do I have to tell my 1992 U.S.Grand Prix (Phoenix AZ) story again?

    Thinking about buying a Husaberg, though I’d never do her justice, just scrape her up then complain for years about the injuries.

  23. No wait. I have a better idea. Buy the Husaberg, garage it, then try to hop 24″ logs on some other clapped-out, scraped-up piece a crap, break a bone, and claim it was shredding on the Husaberg. God, I’m brilliant. Burp. Any more of them Mirror Ponds in your pack, dude?

  24. Husaberg?

    What are ya? A big girls blouse?

    Yamaha IT465, now there was an insanity machine!

    My saddle had a permanent ridge in it from being puckered up my arse.

  25. I can’t tell who is winning this pissing contest, let alone who wants to win it more. Get over you’re beard cupcake. We all live life and make our choices. Harden the fuck up.

  26. @Hurben

    Priceless. I haven’t seen that clip in years. Funny as a mofo.

    Harden the fuck up !!!!

  27. @Hurben— I dunno man, I was riding a DRZ and that Husaberg looked pretty badass alongside it. Street legal, weighs less than 250#. You flip a switch and presto, race mapped electronics. Really high stand-over though, if you’re short, no dabbing, you’re fucking committed.

  28. @Mikey,

    I dunno, it all just sounds like expensive, complex, electronic shit that can go wrong.

    I could field strip my IT 465 & DT 400 on the side of the trail, I would never be able to do that with the Husaberg. Even my old XT 500 was totally user friendly & you could overhaul the engine in an afternoon with a 6 pack & a Clymer manual.

    Back in the day, (ooh, things have gone all soft & misty around the edges), I drove a 1600cc VW Beetle for the same reason, (Air cooled flat four, not this fucking disguised Golf travesty).

    I just like simplicity in my life, that’s why I love bikes.

    Fucking amazing that I work in the Computer Technology industry…

  29. The phrase “Back in the day” just proves that you are an old fuck.

    So. Back in the day, my first car, I drove a 1966 something or other. Can’t remember the name except it had a Slant 6 engine. I drove that thing in to the ground and it would not die.

    My teenage brain did everything to kill that thing but it refused to die.

    Pissed me off.

  30. Holy fuck, my first “car” was a ’64 Beetle. Managed to total it at a blistering 10 mph. Got rid of that deathtrap and drove a ’63 Plymouth Valiant sedan. Slant six and pushbutton automatic. And I, also, drove it into the ground. Been hooked on old MoPars ever since.

    Rode a ’74 DT 360 as my only transportation for about a year and a half. The old Thermaflow shocks and grabby rear brake made for some interesting times. Ahhh, Western Maryland winters…

  31. TTT, sounds like a Dart or Valiant. I had a ’64 Valiant (and a ’65, and a ’73 Dart w/ the 318. My dad was a MoPar man). I believe it still runs, even after being through 5 family members. Floor boards are rusted out, but it keeps plugging along. Even after the freeze plug blew on the motor. It’s nearly impossible to kill a Slant 6. I’m still keeping my eye out for a dusty barn holding some old, barely used Dart or Valiant convertible…

    The disc brakes from the 70’s Darts will bolt right on the mid-60s models. That fixes the problems with the front brakes, but the back are still finicky.

  32. Whoa, coincidence here. My first car was a ’65 bug— complete piece of shit, nickel-and-dmied my poverty-stricken college ass nearly to death. My second car was a ’64 Plymouth with the push-button tranny. That was all fine until one day all the buttons fell down inside the dashboard and I had to drive 100 miles home in second gear.

  33. @el jefe

    You got it.

    1966 Dodge Dart.

    White shell and a red plastic interior you would not believe.

    I loved it.

  34. …that’s been around for a while, mikey…

    …the tandem version is great for kinky sex…smooth roads, bumpy pavement, scary downhills – “…what’s you pleasure, girl ???…where shall we ‘do it in the road’ ???”

  35. I loved my VDub, granted the brakes should have been called, “mild retardents of forward motion, (maybe)”, but I loved it.

    I treasure my copy of “How to keep your Volkswagen Alive” by John Muir, Every so often I wave it it in front of our Tech writers & say that “This is how you write a user manual!”

    Yamaha Thermaflow shocks, the first thing you did was replace them with BOGE MULHOLLANDs & then sell them to some poor unsuspecting Sucker, “They’ve got remote reservoirs & make sure that you mount them upside down like the MX guys”

    One day I’ll have to atone for that, things should have been used as battle clubs…

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