10 reasons why fitting into lycra doesn’t matter

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Update at bottom of post

NOTE: What you’re about to read you’ve most likely read some iteration of in the past, or witnessed these things yourself.

I’ve riddin bikes in most parts of the country, all different, and all awesome. Mountain bikes, road bikes, fat bikes, rad bikes, tandem bikes, beach cruisers, fixed gears and (gasp) TT bikes, among others. I’ve noticed, and I assume you have as well, trends associated with each category of bike. I’ll save you the time by not listing them all, but there is one commonality that unites most cyclists; we utilize some sort of taint protector, chamois, or lycra as it’s become known. I’ve come up with ten reasons why fitting into, or “looking good” in your spandy pants DOES NOT MATTER. Enjoy.

1) Not fitting into your lycra shows that you may care about things other than looking good riding your bike. Perhaps how a bicycle works or how to build one. Looking good as a cyclist requires that you ride your bike, for hours and hours every day, leaving you with little time to do things like learn how to fix your bike, or create useful racing strategies. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with making a living from riding a bike, I’m envious of anyone that can do it. But what I’m saying is that STRAVA is deleterious.

2) Looking good in lycra doesn’t make you more of a man. It doesn’t mean you drink whiskey. It doesn’t mean you chop lumber. It doesn’t mean you work with your hands. It doesn’t mean you have a beard.

3) If you’re self conscious about your butt jiggle, or just enjoy looking more stylish than your Cat 6-NASCAR pals, baggies will suffice. Plus, you can carry things on your ride, like duct tape, hand cuffs, cookies, bad habits, etc.

4) Along those same lines, if you happen to stop mid-ride at the cafe’ and go on our facebook page, you don’t want to be caught with your noodle poking through your shorts while ordering your Latte’, just saying.. Your shrunken package, mixed with the stench of your pitted-out, GU slobbered jersey will help at maximum 0% in you landing moist tail. Baggies on the other hand, mixed with a nice cedar-scented beard oil, will make it rain, son.

5) You don’t eat burgers. And eating  a good burger is sex on the beach.

6) Aerodynamics mean nothing when you have 4 centimeters of spacers under your stem. And for those of you haven’t heard of him, I’d like to introduce Semi-Rad, who crushes it here.

7) Because when it comes down to it, we are just not that serious about not riding our bikes, so stop trying to make it that way.

8) Fitting into tight lycra is like hipsters fitting into tight jeans. Do you own a fixie?

9) If you ain’t busting out of our shorts, you ain’t got a wattage cottage. And trust Cupcake on this, you want one of those.

10) Because you ride mountain bikes.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vZnWxqwFOs&feature=g-all-u[/youtube]

10.5) Because you aren’t Clint Reynolds

[youtube]http://youtu.be/S589RQPYsgY[/youtube]

…

What did I miss?

 

About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

80 Replies to “10 reasons why fitting into lycra doesn’t matter”

  3. @AZCutter

    sounds like 1975 except for the bad clothes, bad drugs, bad music, bad cars and all the other shit that sucked about the 70’s.

    Neil is a genuine garage/folk/rock original. Even if he is a right wing wingnut.

    At least he doesn’t suck like my all time Ihopeyoudieandtakeyourwhinyshittymusicwithyou rock and roll poseur-Billy Corgan

    I was gonna post a link to a shitty Smashing Pumpkins song but they all suck…so there’s this for billy

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7e4b3gvWWQ

  5. And as far as Fur elise.

    That was my introduction in to the magic of classical music.

    Growing up all I knew was Led Zepplin and AC/DC.

    Then when I was about 18 I heard Fur elise and it all changed.

    And I’ve been a connoisseur ever since.

  7. @Hurben

    That commercial was fucking perfect. Especially the panda at the end.

    Bwhahahahahahahahahaha.

  8. @Capn

    good stuffz it is…I was hoping he would have done “Dear Eliza” there is a hole in the bucket but I’ll take Oh Suzanna on an nasty dirty electric guitar any day. Any good music will find an audience and a listener shall not confine him/herself with one choice. I’m too unstable to be locked into one genre or era.

    I am also diggin on these other new releases (I visit a true record store at least once a month)

    http://youtu.be/n6-A0t3sghc
    High on Fire

    http://youtu.be/xEPM5Dh7tz4
    Testament

    http://youtu.be/UnODrI_SyNs
    !ALWAYS! Kerry King for President

  10. “What the fuck is all this shit?”

    This shit is priceless.

    Lycra, fat butts and classical music gives me a boner. And if you think otherwise you need to go fuck yer self.

    That is all.

  18. Keep stressing yourself with that pissy attitude and you could soon join them. Not healthy, and nevermind how I know.

  21. One commited suicice back in 86.

    The other died of crohn’s disease in 2008.

    Happy now you insatiable dickhead ??

    And if anyone gets on top it’s me.

  22. wow. i thought i was an asshole but joetheelectricplug takes the cake. you son, are an asshat. do u even ride bikes? if so, i hope you cross-up on a cattle guard. but again, your urban pale ass doesn’t even know what i’m talking about. try a pothole, fudgenose.

  23. Alls I knows is folks have a habit of dying around the dude, so I ain’t taking no chances. If that makes me an asshat, at least I’m a live asshat.

  28. OMG. Triple T (especially) and joetheelectrician need to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

    Every post gets co-opted with this stupid, trivial bullshit. Enough, assholes. Reading the comments is a waiting game to see when y’all are gonna drag it down to some more weak-minded samesamelame. So tired.

    Stop.

  30. The obvious fact thet I need to shut the fuck up doesn’t eradicate the fact that joe is a dick.