10 reasons why fitting into lycra doesn’t matter

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Update at bottom of post

NOTE: What you’re about to read you’ve most likely read some iteration of in the past, or witnessed these things yourself.

I’ve riddin bikes in most parts of the country, all different, and all awesome. Mountain bikes, road bikes, fat bikes, rad bikes, tandem bikes, beach cruisers, fixed gears and (gasp) TT bikes, among others. I’ve noticed, and I assume you have as well, trends associated with each category of bike. I’ll save you the time by not listing them all, but there is one commonality that unites most cyclists; we utilize some sort of taint protector, chamois, or lycra as it’s become known. I’ve come up with ten reasons why fitting into, or “looking good” in your spandy pants DOES NOT MATTER. Enjoy.

1) Not fitting into your lycra shows that you may care about things other than looking good riding your bike. Perhaps how a bicycle works or how to build one. Looking good as a cyclist requires that you ride your bike, for hours and hours every day, leaving you with little time to do things like learn how to fix your bike, or create useful racing strategies. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with making a living from riding a bike, I’m envious of anyone that can do it. But what I’m saying is that STRAVA is deleterious.

2) Looking good in lycra doesn’t make you more of a man. It doesn’t mean you drink whiskey. It doesn’t mean you chop lumber. It doesn’t mean you work with your hands. It doesn’t mean you have a beard.

3) If you’re self conscious about your butt jiggle, or just enjoy looking more stylish than your Cat 6-NASCAR pals, baggies will suffice. Plus, you can carry things on your ride, like duct tape, hand cuffs, cookies, bad habits, etc.

4) Along those same lines, if you happen to stop mid-ride at the cafe’ and go on our facebook page, you don’t want to be caught with your noodle poking through your shorts while ordering your Latte’, just saying.. Your shrunken package, mixed with the stench of your pitted-out, GU slobbered jersey will help at maximum 0% in you landing moist tail. Baggies on the other hand, mixed with a nice cedar-scented beard oil, will make it rain, son.

5) You don’t eat burgers. And eating  a good burger is sex on the beach.

6) Aerodynamics mean nothing when you have 4 centimeters of spacers under your stem. And for those of you haven’t heard of him, I’d like to introduce Semi-Rad, who crushes it here.

7) Because when it comes down to it, we are just not that serious about not riding our bikes, so stop trying to make it that way.

8) Fitting into tight lycra is like hipsters fitting into tight jeans. Do you own a fixie?

9) If you ain’t busting out of our shorts, you ain’t got a wattage cottage. And trust Cupcake on this, you want one of those.

10) Because you ride mountain bikes.

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10.5) Because you aren’t Clint Reynolds

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What did I miss?


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About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

80 Replies to “10 reasons why fitting into lycra doesn’t matter”

  1. OK. That butt is just plain nasty. You could fit the Space Shuttle up that ass.

    But number 5 is the truest thing ever said. A good burger can give you a boner.

  2. My Macbook died so I’m on a new computer trying to restore everthing.

    My given name is John but TripleT lives again.

  3. …oh sure !!!…another awesome, crazy video of riders doing awesome, crazy stunts in awesome crazy places which is just like every other awesome crazy thing that we get to see…

    …how about a plain ol’ video of that coca cola chick getting ready for work ???…

    …just sayin’…

  4. …somehow, i still think watching miz coca cola working her awesome, crazy ass into those tight red shorts & then bending over to strap on her little ‘fuck me’ shoes would be more entertaining…

    …when i look at half dome in yosemite, i think ‘magnificent’, when i watch sunsets out at the beach here in marin county, i think ‘absolutely magnificent’ & when i look at that chicks ass, i think ‘mother of god, THAT is fucking magnificent’ !!!…

    …hey, just my opinion…

  5. Oh shit.

    I am wee todd did.

    I am sofa king wee todd did.

    I was so busy looking at her ass I missed the coke shirt.

    Would somebody please do me a favor and just shoot me ??

  6. Somebody is a just a little overweight and having trouble with the last few pounds methinks.

    This post was crap; if you are a fat ass, you are a fat ass. Writing about it don’t make you smaller. Self control does.

  7. …well now, ain’t that video just icing on the cupcake…“…maceo – take me to the bridge…”

  8. @D

    This post started off good. But then as usual the perckerhead follwers of DC turned it to crap.

    But I agree. That’s not a moon, it’s a spaace station.

  9. yeeaahhhh oilupin ride badonkadonk. Shhhheeeiiiitttt. Think I just busted a nut up in my last tube sock. Damn

  10. @Tsquared,

    Ian Anderson may be Bat shit crazy but show me anyone in the younger generation who compares with that?

    Man was a God!

  11. 1812 Overture is something I never liked. Too overdone.

    But Apocalypse Now – “Ride of the Valkyries” is priceless.

    3 links and approval ?? You need to spend more time on youtube.

    Or move to country that ain’t down under.

  12. I do not come here to find to listen to fucktards argue over the stoopid shit like they do everyday (usual suspects have NOT been funny since 3 years ago)…I come here to be reminded I am not alone and in some circles normal

  13. Why do the 2 old guys sound like classical posers? No mention of Dvorak’s Cello Concerto or Symphony #9. Nothing by Chopin or anyone else. Just Wagner, Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. Come guys flex your classical muscle. Stop quoting those CD’s you got for Christmas one year that were part of a box set that was sold on late night television. I know I have those.

  14. 3T and Hurben just trying to get under your skin.
    3T of course you would pick the trendiest of the Violin Concertos there is or ever will be. (Just fucking with you ). Absolutely love that piece.

  15. OK.

    How did a post about lycra and fat butts turn in to a classical music agrument ?

    DC is fucked up from the word go.

  16. Still haven’t heard anything yet to beat Perlman’s recording of Paganini’s caprices.

  17. @AZCutter

    sounds like 1975 except for the bad clothes, bad drugs, bad music, bad cars and all the other shit that sucked about the 70’s.

    Neil is a genuine garage/folk/rock original. Even if he is a right wing wingnut.

    At least he doesn’t suck like my all time Ihopeyoudieandtakeyourwhinyshittymusicwithyou rock and roll poseur-Billy Corgan

    I was gonna post a link to a shitty Smashing Pumpkins song but they all suck…so there’s this for billy


  18. And as far as Fur elise.

    That was my introduction in to the magic of classical music.

    Growing up all I knew was Led Zepplin and AC/DC.

    Then when I was about 18 I heard Fur elise and it all changed.

    And I’ve been a connoisseur ever since.

  19. @Hurben

    That commercial was fucking perfect. Especially the panda at the end.


  20. @Capn

    good stuffz it is…I was hoping he would have done “Dear Eliza” there is a hole in the bucket but I’ll take Oh Suzanna on an nasty dirty electric guitar any day. Any good music will find an audience and a listener shall not confine him/herself with one choice. I’m too unstable to be locked into one genre or era.

    I am also diggin on these other new releases (I visit a true record store at least once a month)

    High on Fire


    !ALWAYS! Kerry King for President

  21. “What the fuck is all this shit?”

    This shit is priceless.

    Lycra, fat butts and classical music gives me a boner. And if you think otherwise you need to go fuck yer self.

    That is all.

  22. Keep stressing yourself with that pissy attitude and you could soon join them. Not healthy, and nevermind how I know.

  23. One commited suicice back in 86.

    The other died of crohn’s disease in 2008.

    Happy now you insatiable dickhead ??

    And if anyone gets on top it’s me.

  24. wow. i thought i was an asshole but joetheelectricplug takes the cake. you son, are an asshat. do u even ride bikes? if so, i hope you cross-up on a cattle guard. but again, your urban pale ass doesn’t even know what i’m talking about. try a pothole, fudgenose.

  25. Alls I knows is folks have a habit of dying around the dude, so I ain’t taking no chances. If that makes me an asshat, at least I’m a live asshat.

  26. OMG. Triple T (especially) and joetheelectrician need to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

    Every post gets co-opted with this stupid, trivial bullshit. Enough, assholes. Reading the comments is a waiting game to see when y’all are gonna drag it down to some more weak-minded samesamelame. So tired.


  27. The obvious fact thet I need to shut the fuck up doesn’t eradicate the fact that joe is a dick.