this is just totally out of control

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i know you’re all reluctant bottoms just looking for that special someone who will let you finally give the back rub. well lay back down, jerks.  Jens is in town, and if you could just release your vicey grip pinchey hold from andy & berto’s uniceps for one second, you’d see that there is a real reason to bite the pillow, for its goosedown depthiness will silence your unworthy screams.

enough blab.


and DO click on him, downhuffers…..

There’s just not really anything that beats catching the pelican on a junior bike with completely incompatible shoes.  Jens = Wens.

just to twist the dagger,

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he’s why bike racing will ALWAYS be better than dope.

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About Snake Hawk

good, bad, funny, sad, stupid, rad, has, had. non-joining funhaver from coast to coast(er brake). buster of the chops, drawer of the logos. North Carolina, USA

19 Replies to “this is just totally out of control”

  1. Blood, bandages, old school Campy Ergo, bike too small, and toe clips: that should be your cycling hero. Make it into a motivational poster about never giving up. Jens has been the man for a while, I hope he never doped.

  2. yes! to the jens. I had heard about this but as yet had not seen it. And with all internet news, seeing the pics is proof. I saw an interview were he said he wasn’t done with the tour yet, he may come back for more.

  3. best thing about jens (aside from the accent, of course) is the facial expressions he makes when he is on point, or actually, on camera period. Dude looks like a 2 year old ’bout to throw a tantrum. Did you see his contorted mug leading up the Tourmalet? Definitely the class (and class clown) of the peleton in my book.

  4. Ah, the dreaded Mavic neutral service bike… One size fits all, and I’ve seen guys throw their shoes away rather than try to get them to work with the toe straps.

  5. He’s a gangsta. I’m sure people have seen this but since no one posted it…

    Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.

    Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.

    Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.

    Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

    Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

    If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”

    Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

    Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

    Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960?s, where he became a great champion.

    Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.

    Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.

    If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

    If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

    Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

    Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

    Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

    When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.

    You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.

    Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.

    Jens Voigt can eat just one.

    The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.

    Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

    Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

    Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

    Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.

    Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.

    Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

    The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.

  6. i saw jens on said stage between the tourmalet & the aubisque, in argeles-gazost. while a good number of people around me wanted to see armstrong, i wanted to see jens. i finally saw him, his blood, & his heart & soul on his sleeve with a look on his face of pure badassery & pain. i was lucky enough to get a nice snapshot of him in this condition; one of which i can only aspire to get to one day.

  7. “Until they shoot me off my bike, I will keep asking for contracts.”

  8. “he won by five”

    THAT was the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time.

  9. The neutral support bike was a 54cm with a 50t big ring when Jens ripped it off the roof rack, and a 60cm with a worn-out 58t when he gave ti back.

  10. Jens Voight is, BAR-NONE, my favorite road cyclist. The dude is not afraid to suffer… Wanna have a beer with Contador? I didn’t think so. Wanna have Jens over for dinner? Any day of the week, and twice on Sunday.

    When in doubt, just look down at that little bracelet you’re wearing on your wrist…


    What Would Jens Do?

    In Jens we trust.


  11. @ Gypsy: I don’t know about having Jens over for dinner. He might accidentally eat my silverware.