EPO = 22 miles per hour

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Sometimes I get a piece of something, like this email here for instance, that I just know is going to land a great big old pile of shit right here on top of my shoes. And I like my shoes. Or, maybe I’m not wearing shoes. Or pants. I digress. Anyway, far be it from me to do something intellegent, like, say maybe not post it in the first place because that would require attributes such as foresight and planning. Two things I am generally lacking in. See “my career” as evidence of that.

From: Hellbelly
Subject: FW: It wouldn’t be racing without it
Big Jonny, I thought this was a good one from some washed-up has-been of cycling friend-o-mine. Hellbelly


Dear Biker Trash Friends –

Here is one that got my head a scratchin’ –

The strangest doping case I think I’ve seen in a while was the Spaniard woman the doped at the Olympics a couple weeks ago.


OK, she got hold of a little EPO; found a nice quiet place in a country with 1.3 billion people milling about, shot herself in her little Spanish culo with it, got caught; cried; and then got bounced out of the Olympic road race.

So I suffered through watching part of the woman’s road race… punishment enough for any race fan. Like every other woman’s road “race” they wandered around, some overweight woman pealed off the back on the climb, a crash or two here, a little pace making on the climb and before you new it the field was down to 20 -25 riders. No clear attacks and before you know it a very unorganized group of five riders rambles off the front with no one chasing – not even getting a second look from the group. The break had one Austrian woman doing 90% of the work, no one pulling through, shaky as it went…they stayed away.

My wise son was watching and he asked me, “Dad, if you took the 100 best men riders and the 100 best woman riders and put them in a race, what place would the best female rider get?” A better question would have been – “if you took the 100 best Intermediate riders (13-14 year olds?) and the 100 best woman riders and put them in a race, what place would the best female rider get?

So even at the Olympic level it was a snooze. They climb the final climb with the Austrian woman setting the pace up the hill and with 100 meters to go three of the five got out of the saddle and bang, the Austrian workhorse gets fourth place, just short of a medal – as a smart guy once said, “I guess someone has to win.”

I fall asleep on the couch and later that day I thought, “gee, just how “fast” was that race. I get the ‘cal-ca-later’ out and plug in the numbers…. 126 kilometers…3 hours 32 minutes….multiply, a couple ga-zin-tas and…..BANG 22 MILES PER HOUR! You have to be shittin’ me! Do you mean to tell me you have to take EPO to average 22mph – in a good sized group and a very, very steady 22mph at that! Do they really give-out medals for that? What’s next BMX in the Olympics?

The point is, I guess is that I think some of these crazed dopers don’t need to be shamed, fined, suspended… they need some serious psychological counseling – maybe a little 12 step Stuart Smalley – “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” would do the job.

EPO for 22mph. . . . what in the world.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

26 thoughts on “EPO = 22 miles per hour

  1. Dude- it was pouring like a fuck- I have been traveling with a UCI Women’s pro team all season and I can say for certain you are talking out your ass. The Olympic course was shit and the weather was even worse. I would like to see you average 22mph in rain falling at an inch an hour in 50 degree weather. Guaranteed anyone of those girls could rip your pussy legs off and beat you over the head with them!!!

  2. Ladies are Ladies. Can’t expect them to average a manly pace can you? Regardless, they have as much right to compete as anyone. Expect less in the form of blunt aggression, and enjoy it. Leave that, for the long-dick club. As for the EPO and the 22mph, well, who know’s what hangs over her head and what motivated her to dope, even at this point in the game.

  3. I think you should get off of the couch some more hellbelly. I enjoy watching racing, mens or womens, still remember a womens cyclocross race I saw last year, was great. While I did not watch the womens olympic race, seems as though it was a matter of survival and endurance due to distance, nasty weather and hills. Also the pollution was a factor, I do not think we will get a sense of how it was until the athletes return.
    Another positive is that I think the doping situation is rapidly improving as athletes realize that everything can be detected and they can expect to get caught.

  4. I’d like to see some of of the pro road cyclists follow the pro BMX racers around the BMX track. Just have the BMX racers throw down a half-assed start and watch the roadies try and keep up. Just the first straight and first corner. After that point the roadies could pull off and cry if they need to. I’m sure many would be signing up for Stuart Smalley’s twelve step after that.

    Amazing athletes they are, amazing bike riders they are not.

    BMX and or freestyle isn’t a kids sport. Riders just get out of it because the crashes that come with progression start to hurt too much with age and the roadie jerks at the LBS won’t quit harassing them.

  5. Still whoops my ass with a 14.7 mph average in the Portland Century today. Damn I’m a fat bastard.

  6. I think D. Drumm’s got it right on the difference with men and women. While racing in the NCCA (college cycling) two or three years ago, the Queen of the Collegiate Cycling World (and current pro with the Team Columbia), Mara Abbot, would go win her women’s A race and then race with the B men. Maybe that says more about the level of competition than it does about the difference between men and women.

  7. The women’s race also had a much smaller field, with top ranked countries only having three riders. That’s a recipe for a dull race no matter what the caliber of the athletes. The fact that nobody even tried to blow the race apart with only two teammates at least suggests it was a clean field.

  8. I posted this in the wrong section at first

    but here is it again proper

    The fastest male sprinter in the world runs at 23MPH. 23 MPH have Usain Bolt the World Record and Gold. Imagine that dude running by the Girls Peloton in front of the forbiden city. would have made that whole mess on NBC watchable

  9. This just in to be filed under who watching paint dry: there was a cross country mtn bike race in the olympcis. No need for NBC to drag the HD cameras there. for real. I mean I’ll watch professional male cyclists go up hill in july but that is about it

  10. Here’s the response from my friend who originated the essay –

    That got them going! The point – other than humor – really is that the culture of doping in cycling is deeper than the need to do it at a certain level.

    The funny one was – “Guaranteed anyone of those girls could rip your pussy legs off and beat you over the head with them!!!” That is one funny joke as might I remind those smart guys I was kicking Connie Carpenters ass when I was an intermediate and she was world champ…and she most likely could still win the friggin’ Olympic Road race…

    Racing without attacking, really isn’t racing

    My only comment would be…it was nerve-wracking as hell with Connie Carpenter, Rebecca Twig and other women racers, racing in our Superweek men’s junior field back in the early 80’s. They were doing it for the training, I was just making sure to finish ahead of them or suffer the embarrassment. Hellbelly