My balls hurt

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I rode my Surly Steamroller to work yesterday for the first time since I started at the shop. I figured it was about damn time. The ride to work was cool, ‘cept for some crazy lady who passed me while we were both turning left at a traffic light. Go figure. (I wrote about it in the comment section of this post)

On they way home, I turned into an alley an rode over a storm water grate I’ve crossed, literally, a hundred times in my life. Looks simple enough, doesn’t it?

It has been raining, and I took it easy on the corner into the alley. My rear wheel got completely buried in the right side of the grate.

It sank to the hub and got jammed up on those cross members. Stopped me dead. I had to pull the grate halfway out to get my bike out of that fucking hole. When I put the grate back, I tried to re-center it as best I could. There was a big enough slot there when my stupid ass turned into the alley that a road wheel fit right in.

That thing is way dangerous.

Take a look at what happened to my wheel:

It’s done. Stick a fork in that one.

And you think that’s fucked? I hit the goddamn stem so hard you wouldn’t believe it. I just stood there for a minute, as my bike was stuck in the grate, and thought, damn that hurt. I got my bike out of the hole and walked back across the street to the shop I just left, dragging my bike with me. I went in, walked into the bathroom and unzipped my pants.

I saw blood.

I walked out the bathroom and went straight for a beer. I drank an ice cold PBR and thought about what was going on in my pants. I hadn’t yet looked inside my shorts. The view from outside was enough.

All I knew is that it hurt real fucking bad.

Big Gay Randy took a look at me and said, “You all right dude?”

I guess I looked the part. I went back in to inspect the boys.

I was bleeding from three abrasions on my nuts and thigh. I gave the boys a quick palpation, rolling ’em in my fingers while I bit down hard and tasted metal in the back of my throat.

Oh, good times.

I had to make sure they were still whole and nothing was leaking out anywhere. It sucked. It totally sucked.

Then I drank two more beers and had a shot of whiskey.

My wife came and picked me up as my bike was fucked and I wasn’t looking to throw my leg over much of anything else and pedal my happy ass anywhere.

This next photo is so fucked, I don’t even know if I want to post it. Fuck it. I gotta post it. This is drunkcyclist. Posting stupid shit is what we do.

Yep. That what my ball(s) look like. Shit is real.

Real dumb.

I might send that one out on my Christmas cards this year. Destined to be a classic.

I’m calling out the City of Flagstaff to fix their fucking storm drain grate before someone buries a front wheel in that death trap and gets killed. I’m serious. That thing hurt me. And I’m a big solid guy. What happens when some kid stuffs it up and goes over the bars into traffic? You want that to happen on your watch?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Fix it. Fix it now.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

99 Replies to “My balls hurt”

  1. You want to blow that picture up real big and stick posters all over town. They’ll either fix that grid pronto or you’ll make a whole lot of new friends.

  2. Shave that shit, monkey-boy. Goddamn. A girl will stay longer when its a nice putting green and not some tangled forest of barbed wire.

    Grooming ain’t just for the ladies.

    Makes the package that much more impressive as well.

  3. WTF! I’ve seen some crazy shit on this site over the years, but that? I do NOT need to to see your hairy, bloody nutsack before I’ve had my second cup of coffee, or my lunchtime shot of whiskey, or my afternoon shot of heroin.


  4. For fuck sakes I just got to work and this is what I see. Thanks that just proved my theory today is going to be fucked.
    I was going to send you a picture almost like that where I pinched my scrotum between my saddle on my cross bike and my thigh, where my boys were are all bloody. but I thought, nah that is gross I should never show that to anyone, not even the old lady. Wow was I wrong.

  5. hey – i ripped a hole in my sack when my old american classic seatpost broke…

    ripped a big fucking hole…

    but i didn’t post it…

    I got a scar… and dude, that’s like a little sissy scrape…

    man up…

    oh and don’t listen to the jackasses telling ya to trim up… men with junk the size of ours don’t need to keep the shrubs clean…

    Ouch… ouch ouch ouch…

    my scrotum is having sympathy pains…

    But… at least for you it doesn’t look like you’ll need 7 stitches… ya see it ain’ the sewing that hurts… it is the novocaine and that needle that fuckin KILLS… poke needles into your sack and inject a substance that burns… then the weird part is the whole numbness down where it has never been numb before (other than a couple michigan snowy night rides)…

    Here’s to hoping those ass jackers fix the grate before you do it again!

  6. Dude……….

    Since the porn has been gone, I thought it was safe to read your site with my 10 year old daughter in the room.

    Nothing says “Dad fucked up” more than a screaming child running through the house after seeing your bloody, hairy tea bag. You know Mom was thrilled.

    Good work……classic DC. I laughed my ass off even though I won’t be getting laid for weeks.

  7. Dudes are freaking out! People are losing it! Whoa! Jonny’s balls! Let me tell you fellas – I have seen those things more than his wife has. Whoops. I am such a gaylord.

    Sorry about your rim jobby. I mean jonny.

  8. Broseph. I have sympathy pains. It was disgusting and funny to see this AM, over a cuppa joe. But fuck, i was spitting coffee reading all the heeelarious comments…

    Also, you know what goes well with my morning coffee? Your scrotum

    BP hit it on the head…er…got it right….
    clean up that forest man….this ain’t the 70’s anymore.

    Porn’s back! Cool.

    Shave that shit, monkey-boy. Goddamn. A girl will stay longer when its a nice putting green and not some tangled forest of barbed wire.

    And I gotta agree with the trimming of the hedges bro. My old lady left and I got some friendly advice from another lady friend. If you expect some chick to nuzzle up to your manpiece for a few hours, you better keep that shit tidy. I’ve learned a bit more about that ’cause cycling and shaving your balls don’t exactly mix either…

  9. Hey Monkey Balls,

    Have you ever had a similar experience with the storm drain grates around the NAU campus? The ones having braces that only run ONE direction? It’s almost like they were built to fling people over the bars. I had one attack me and luckily I saw it right before I hit it and the first reaction I had was a hard yank on the bars. The front wheel went over but the back went in. Because I was going fast enough it didn’t go all the way in like your poor wheel and it was because of this my balls were saved. The rear rim was fucked but no pinch flat!!!

    As far as shaving your nuts I’d suggest asking your wife before whipping out the razor. My girl like me to just keep the boys neatly trimmed.

  10. good thing the shop has beer in stock. manage that inventory, do you?


    watch for the stormdrain at NAU along the Ardrey.

    sara says she’s not surprised you took a photo of your balls.

    i’m surprised there was bloodflow there, numbnuts.
    now you have an even better reason to travel to Jerome and yell at our bitch asses a few miles from the top. why? not sure.

  11. A DC first and TMI brothers…TMI…

    Juan – I fear that the rim will be fixed before you are feeling better. Best wishes for a speedy recovery. Glad I am not your doc.

  12. How about that? Dick Cheney’s left profile. How -did- you manage to get that nice photo?

  13. Don’t listen to them, baby. I like you furry . . . you’re all man. Or, at least you WERE all man.

  14. Thanks for the nutshot, Jon. I think I’m going to go stick a pencil in my eye after that.

  15. Big J,

    Thanks for upholding the DC standard and keepin it real.
    It takes Juevos Grande to put your own Juevos Grandes’on display.
    Good on ya!

    But please warn us before the second act.I’m sure your not looking forward to that scab, but putting ointment on it will be fun!!

    Hope you and your boys recover in good order.

  16. Yo, I’m sittin in a crowded computer lab on campus and a lot of ppl just saw your bawls, but now I look like a fucking perv lookin at some other dudes ballsack! But it sucks for real, that shit is gonna hurt in the shower.

  17. shit man.. I did the same with an ol mavic CPX wheel..
    dude u sitting on your sack when you ride??

    dont use second skin stray.. hehe my wife did me one time on
    my asscheek after a nice ass side.. hurt………

    may ur nutz heal and you come back stronger ;)


  18. Dang, I ride all over these Flagstaff & NAU grates on 23c. It’s only a matter of time before I take a drunken plunge, I tell myself… only a matter of time. Here’s to a quick recovery!

  19. …ain’t it nice to realize that so many folks ‘hold’ your balls in such high esteem ???…

  20. Send ’em the bill for new rim, the time it takes you to lace and true the wheel and the bottle of Don Eduardo you’ll consume to numb the pain. I prefer the Anejo.

  21. Had a buddy hit one of them grates ‘just right’ with his front wheel down in Tucson. No helmet ’cause he’d gotten his head sunburned the day before. All I heard was a hollow ‘thunk’ as his head hit the pavement. Didn’t move for a good 5min.

    Stoopit SOB took a ride in the meat wagon.

    ALWAYS wear the farging helmet!


  22. I won’t go into details, been there, hated that. Your life just took a short path down the pain road. It will hurt. Time has a way of healing these things, as you know, but even really good pain killers won’t help. About the only thing worse is cracking some ribs, and I’ve been there too.

    As far as shaving your nuts, it will heal better without hair. Trust me!

    Good luck, you need it!!

  23. Dude! What the hell is going on with your life?!? Find out who you pissed off and make amends quickly.

    And I’ve seen better at work.


  24. DUDE!! i quit reading you damn site a long time ago, but I was told i had to see this!! FIRSt, i have no problem with porn, and you know damn well i have no problem with nut sacks…. but for christ’s sake JonnY! Your balls are hairy! i laughed my ass off… i hope your boys are okay! next time you post a picture of your own ballsack, PULEEZZ let your lovely wife go down there with the hot wax first!
    LOVE YOU DARLIN’ take care of yourself!

  25. it took big jonny taking a picture of his own nutsack to rank up all these comments?

    please, lets hope this ain’t a theme thing going here…

  26. It’s gotta feel good to know your nads bring so much joy to the wonderful world of DC.

    May we pine over the “one dark lords” scrotum for many days….

    All hail the dark scrotum……

  27. Are you going add these pics to the rotation on your banner at the top of the page?

    pink moser


    bloody scrot!

  28. oh my fucking god. my wife just came in and asked me to dial up DC on the computer. my kids are yelling at me to shut up i am laughing so fucking hard. DAMN! that is some shit. and you ARE the shit…not many, ladies and gents…not many would be so brave. and NONE..ladies and gents..NONE are so fucking hairy.

    Winston Benson. R.I.P. hit a grate like that in scottsdale about 8 years ago, went over the bars, broke his neck.

    All fun over, that shit it serious. they need to fix it.

    (…still catching my breath..)

  29. MY RODS AND CONES!!!!!!! I’m blind….

    Jonny, you’re gonna need a giant fricken sickle from the ol’ Russian flag to mow that lawn.

    OUCH, I’ve never laughed so hard.

    See you at the Prescott end of season camp.


  30. for some reason i’m tempted to forward this link to everyone i know w/ the subject line: “Just in case you ever wanted to see one of my friends busted balls.”

    dude – Jonny – fuck. you should sleep in a helmet man.

  31. Holy shit J-bomb – trying to pull a Lance – without the cancer.
    My balls didn’t even look that bad after RAAM

  32. If you wined up shaving that shit then at least go ghetto and shave a DC logo into that wild unrulely forrest you call genetalia..

  33. Pingback: » Post Topic » progress report

  34. wow.

    A teammate had a similar accident once on a road bike. Only problem was that he… wait for it… ruptured a testicle. It required emergency surgery and a few well placed stitches.

    So there is a funny part of this story. Another teammate followed up with the greatest Christmas gift ever – a nutcracker. Got it a little bike helmet and everything.

  35. The Chicken…


    And Floyd, we know you have a perfectly shorn nutsack… testosterone patches don’t stick to a forest of hair like BJ’s

    Maybe that should be the doping test:

    Hairy = clean
    Shorn = fucking DOPER

  36. You know jonny, it looks like that rim was pretty clapped out as it just split on the corner there. Hard to tell from a photo, but if the sidewall is worn down from the pads they like to split like that. Maybe it was time for an upgrade.

  37. I was hurtin reading it… I was laughing reading the comments… My wife said “awww poor guy, that looks really painfull” Then as I am trying to prevent my teenager from seeing it, she says “why not, he’s got junk, he rides bikes, he should see it”

    Thanks for the public service announcement regarding the hazards of urban biking and the effect on your manhood… he wants a fixie

  38. Finally – the proof we needed to show those nut-job (pun intended)intelligent design idiots that we did indeed decend from ape-like creatures into our current Homosapien form.

    Bless you Johnny for showing off your evelutionary link, it’s for the betterment of us all.

    Buddha bless you!

  39. Well when i logged on the count was up to 75 comments, no telling how many more made before I got down to the bottom of the list.

    I think Jonny is going to be in line for a “junk saver” saddle now.


  40. do you fags really wanna see MORE of BJ than we already saw? whats with all the requests for him to trim the lawn? i say his hair is fine just the way it is.

  41. I love the guys who say, geez, I was at work and had to see that, or, geez, I’m eating breakfast.

    You’re reading Drunk Cyclist, for fuhk’s sake. What did you expect?

  42. What you gon’ do with all that junk?
    All that junk inside your trunk?
    I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
    Get you love drunk off my hump.
    My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
    My hump, my hump, my hump, my hairy hairy lumps (Check it out)

    Dude that has to hurt, hurts me and I don’t even have balls

  43. Bust your balls and what do you get? Sympathy? Not from this wretched lot. Sorry to hear about it. Really sorry to see it.

    Turned the laptop to my wife for her viewing displeasure. She wasn’t pleased. Best part was she was just digging into a fresh slice of pizza. Yum.

    Get well soon. Maybe get one of those super plush gel saddles now? Or one of the sheepwool deals.

  44. SOME girls (well, this mature woman anyway) LIKE the tangled forest of barb dwyer.

    There are many aesthetes in the sea…I liked the comments as much as the painful picture…and wonder aloud: would a guy really wax his scrota for the ladies? I know in Borneo, sorry in Sarawak, there is a penile piercing the gents undergo (is it the Dayak tribe? I forget…wrote astory about Borneo 12 yrs ago)..
    anyhow, I am sure that alifetime of waxing would do more long lasting pain than the one-time whoopsie… furever yrs
    Alice B. hairylegs

  45. that’s an unpleasant situation , you have my sympathy. On the plus side though you have really sexy hairy thighs and a great pair of balls.