My balls hurt

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I rode my Surly Steamroller to work yesterday for the first time since I started at the shop. I figured it was about damn time. The ride to work was cool, ‘cept for some crazy lady who passed me while we were both turning left at a traffic light. Go figure. (I wrote about it in the comment section of this post)

On they way home, I turned into an alley an rode over a storm water grate I’ve crossed, literally, a hundred times in my life. Looks simple enough, doesn’t it?

It has been raining, and I took it easy on the corner into the alley. My rear wheel got completely buried in the right side of the grate.

It sank to the hub and got jammed up on those cross members. Stopped me dead. I had to pull the grate halfway out to get my bike out of that fucking hole. When I put the grate back, I tried to re-center it as best I could. There was a big enough slot there when my stupid ass turned into the alley that a road wheel fit right in.

That thing is way dangerous.

Take a look at what happened to my wheel:

It’s done. Stick a fork in that one.

And you think that’s fucked? I hit the goddamn stem so hard you wouldn’t believe it. I just stood there for a minute, as my bike was stuck in the grate, and thought, damn that hurt. I got my bike out of the hole and walked back across the street to the shop I just left, dragging my bike with me. I went in, walked into the bathroom and unzipped my pants.

I saw blood.

I walked out the bathroom and went straight for a beer. I drank an ice cold PBR and thought about what was going on in my pants. I hadn’t yet looked inside my shorts. The view from outside was enough.

All I knew is that it hurt real fucking bad.

Big Gay Randy took a look at me and said, “You all right dude?”

I guess I looked the part. I went back in to inspect the boys.

I was bleeding from three abrasions on my nuts and thigh. I gave the boys a quick palpation, rolling ’em in my fingers while I bit down hard and tasted metal in the back of my throat.

Oh, good times.

I had to make sure they were still whole and nothing was leaking out anywhere. It sucked. It totally sucked.

Then I drank two more beers and had a shot of whiskey.

My wife came and picked me up as my bike was fucked and I wasn’t looking to throw my leg over much of anything else and pedal my happy ass anywhere.

This next photo is so fucked, I don’t even know if I want to post it. Fuck it. I gotta post it. This is drunkcyclist. Posting stupid shit is what we do.

Yep. That what my ball(s) look like. Shit is real.

Real dumb.

I might send that one out on my Christmas cards this year. Destined to be a classic.

I’m calling out the City of Flagstaff to fix their fucking storm drain grate before someone buries a front wheel in that death trap and gets killed. I’m serious. That thing hurt me. And I’m a big solid guy. What happens when some kid stuffs it up and goes over the bars into traffic? You want that to happen on your watch?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Fix it. Fix it now.

About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

99 Replies to “My balls hurt”

  7. for some reason i’m tempted to forward this link to everyone i know w/ the subject line: “Just in case you ever wanted to see one of my friends busted balls.”

    dude – Jonny – fuck. you should sleep in a helmet man.

  11. Holy shit J-bomb – trying to pull a Lance – without the cancer.
    My balls didn’t even look that bad after RAAM

  13. If you wined up shaving that shit then at least go ghetto and shave a DC logo into that wild unrulely forrest you call genetalia..

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  17. wow.

    A teammate had a similar accident once on a road bike. Only problem was that he… wait for it… ruptured a testicle. It required emergency surgery and a few well placed stitches.

    So there is a funny part of this story. Another teammate followed up with the greatest Christmas gift ever – a nutcracker. Got it a little bike helmet and everything.

  20. The Chicken…

    brilliant

    And Floyd, we know you have a perfectly shorn nutsack… testosterone patches don’t stick to a forest of hair like BJ’s

    Maybe that should be the doping test:

    SHOW ME YOUR SACK
    Hairy = clean
    Shorn = fucking DOPER

  24. You know jonny, it looks like that rim was pretty clapped out as it just split on the corner there. Hard to tell from a photo, but if the sidewall is worn down from the pads they like to split like that. Maybe it was time for an upgrade.

  25. I was hurtin reading it… I was laughing reading the comments… My wife said “awww poor guy, that looks really painfull” Then as I am trying to prevent my teenager from seeing it, she says “why not, he’s got junk, he rides bikes, he should see it”

    Thanks for the public service announcement regarding the hazards of urban biking and the effect on your manhood… he wants a fixie

  26. Finally – the proof we needed to show those nut-job (pun intended)intelligent design idiots that we did indeed decend from ape-like creatures into our current Homosapien form.

    Bless you Johnny for showing off your evelutionary link, it’s for the betterment of us all.

    Buddha bless you!

  27. Well when i logged on the count was up to 75 comments, no telling how many more made before I got down to the bottom of the list.

    I think Jonny is going to be in line for a “junk saver” saddle now.

    Opus

  30. do you fags really wanna see MORE of BJ than we already saw? whats with all the requests for him to trim the lawn? i say his hair is fine just the way it is.

  40. I love the guys who say, geez, I was at work and had to see that, or, geez, I’m eating breakfast.

    You’re reading Drunk Cyclist, for fuhk’s sake. What did you expect?

  42. What you gon’ do with all that junk?
    All that junk inside your trunk?
    I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
    Get you love drunk off my hump.
    My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
    My hump, my hump, my hump, my hairy hairy lumps (Check it out)

    Dude that has to hurt, hurts me and I don’t even have balls

  43. Bust your balls and what do you get? Sympathy? Not from this wretched lot. Sorry to hear about it. Really sorry to see it.

    Turned the laptop to my wife for her viewing displeasure. She wasn’t pleased. Best part was she was just digging into a fresh slice of pizza. Yum.

    Get well soon. Maybe get one of those super plush gel saddles now? Or one of the sheepwool deals.

  46. SOME girls (well, this mature woman anyway) LIKE the tangled forest of barb dwyer.

    There are many aesthetes in the sea…I liked the comments as much as the painful picture…and wonder aloud: would a guy really wax his scrota for the ladies? I know in Borneo, sorry in Sarawak, there is a penile piercing the gents undergo (is it the Dayak tribe? I forget…wrote astory about Borneo 12 yrs ago)..
    anyhow, I am sure that alifetime of waxing would do more long lasting pain than the one-time whoopsie… furever yrs
    Alice B. hairylegs

  48. that’s an unpleasant situation , you have my sympathy. On the plus side though you have really sexy hairy thighs and a great pair of balls.