Addendum to New Road Bike Owners Manual

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For those in the bike industry, this one rings true.

Congratulations on the purchase of your brand-new high-end road bike. Along with a pie plate, a set of reflectors, and more legal disclaimers than a Levitra commercial, your bicycle also comes with certain inalienable rights, and simply purchasing and owning this bicycle confers these rights onto you. Be sure to know these rights and to act accordingly while operating your machine.

I) The Shop That Sold You The Bike Is Indebted To You Forever

Like libraries, Planned Parenthood clinics, and public restrooms, bike shops only exist for your convenience and betterment, and should not be expected to act in their own self-interest. As such, buying a bicycle at the end of the season for a 30% discount means the shop should demonstrate its gratitude to you for as long as you live. After all, between the substantial discount and the man-hours spent serving you and building the bicycle, they almost made a profit! Remind them of that every time they won’t fix something for free, or ask you to pay for a water bottle, or bother you as you spend three hours trying on clothes so you know what size Primal jersey to order from Performance.

II) You Can Now Race Absolutely Everybody

Owning a high-end road bike means you are now part of the largest bicycle race in the world. Always remember that everybody on a road bike is engaged in a race at all times. That guy who seems to be simply spinning his legs out after a 90-mile training ride is actually attempting to lure you into complacency so that when you ride by he can pounce and beat you to the next stoplight. Don’t let that happen! Other common ploys in which wily cyclists engage include: idly chatting with another rider; stopping to fix a flat; being hit by a car; and teaching a child how to ride. If you see another rider doing any of those things, attack immediately!

III) You Are Entitled To The Title Of Your Choice

Italian National Champion? Tour de France Champion? World Champion? If there’s a jersey for it, you’re entitled to it. That’s right, under no circumstances should you feel awkward wearing the hardest-fought colors in the world of professional cycling on your relentless campaign to dominate the bike path. Not only is it your right to race everybody, but it’s also your right to experience the sheer thrill of dominating them while wearing the coveted Maglia Rosa.

IV) You Are Entitled To Silky-Smooth Comfort At All Times

Cycling should never involve any discomfort, especially when you’ve paid top-dollar for a high-end road bike. Remember: if you feel any pain whatsoever while riding, it is the fault of the bicycle. Fortunately, there is always a component you can purchase (or demand your bike shop swap out for you at their cost) that can alleviate that pain. A bicycle should transmit no more road sensation to you than your Range Rover. If you feel the road in any way whatsoever, switch to a carbon fork. If you still feel the road, switch to carbon bars. If that doesn’t work, get a carbon stem. If it still doesn’t work, get some gel-filled gloves and handlebar tape so that you feel like you’re grasping an overripe avocado.

V) You Should Never Have To Know What It Feels Like To Lose

When you buy a Mercedes or BMW, you get instant respect. As you drive by, people rightfully think to themselves, “Wow, that’s somebody more important and successful than me.” Well, it’s no different with your bike. Woody Allen once said, “90% of success is just showing up.” Similarly, 90% of being good rider is looking like a good rider, and you should never have to suffer the indignity of doing poorly in a race, or being dropped, or being schooled by riders on bikes that cost less than your wheelset. It’s entirely reasonable to expect your bicycle to deliver instant results. If it doesn’t, then something’s wrong with the bike. Immediately inspect your bicycle and replace faulty components with more expensive ones.

VI) You Are Now Part Of The Club

Being a cyclist or bike racer is about one thing and one thing only: owning a bike. So don’t expect any hazing, or funny looks, or jokes at your expense. Don’t expect to have to learn to race before joining a racing team. Don’t expect to suffer, or to get dropped, and don’t expect to pay any dues. If you bought the right bike, you will enjoy immediate respect. If you’re unsure of which bike to ride, simply read the manufacturer’s website copy. It will tell you in no uncertain terms what you can expect. Congratulations, and welcome to the world of competitive cycling.

Update: Tip of the hat to Bike SnobNYC for this one. It was sent to me in an email, and I posted with without knowing where it came from. Now we all know.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

19 Replies to “Addendum to New Road Bike Owners Manual”

  1. F.R.E.D.

    Fucking Race Ego Dick

    As far as bike shops go Fuck Specialized and Trek Concept stores and apart from Tubes on sale Performance can blow me

    and the smaller guy better be indebted to us or he is done. Take time to service and remember your better clients. Get a data base keep them informed and answer their every question.

    BTW I love to hit the brake in at the front of the group ride when FRED sits at the back trying to hang on. I can trust the lads behind and thier awareness and skills but it usually sends dude in Primal or Postal jersey into the gutter

    And I have had BMX champs on BMX bikes sit on my wheel and then drop the boys and it was the greatest thing that ever happened (If you live in OC there are like 3 guys who can and do do this so you know who they are) besides my brother dropping the rent a cop with one blow guarding the ATM at the Asian Bank next to Starbucks when he grabbed his seatpost shook it then let go so he fell over while clipped in because dude didn’t think we should ride up the drive to the shop.

    comfort is shaved legs and tight pants and a bit of chamix cream and a handful of Advil Jell tabs

    then there is jittery Track Stand guy at every light. gay

    Want a real challange and real pain: try a fixie only no brake group ride of like 10 or more riders at speed in the streets. I can’t do it yet and you better thake a beater bike cuz you are going down

  2. …nice, mario…good ta see ya don’t need the new supplements like ‘epo’ & ‘hgh’…so, you’ve gone old school w/ the amphetamines ???…
    …just askin’…have a good ride…

  3. Chippo,
    Put the speed pipe down my friend. If you’d ever worked in a shop, you’d know it rings true.

    Two wheels good, four wheels bad.

    Where’s my mother fucking bourbon…

    el jefe

  4. Nope.

    Can’t come up with nada that compares with Mario’s shit.

    My first full time boss. Henry. 1980. Old timer with a history and a broken back that he worked into a small biz.

    He ID’d three classes of people.

    1) Perm fuck-heads.
    2) Temp fuck-heads.
    3) Normals.

    Mario is a Perm fuck-head.

    I was a normal back then. I’m fuck-head now. Only time can tell if I’m Perm or Temp.

    Question is: How do ya know ??

  5. From the guy riding the cheapest bike at the local crits (but doing most of the pulling), I applaud this.

  6. borrowed or not from another site, that shit is fucking brilliant. i had stuff coming out my nose I laughed so hard.
    and for MarioChipo.
    dude, burn one down fer crisake..


  7. Hey Mario, What if you have the cheapest bike and a primal jersey, does that still count? Will you still send me into the gutter? What if I pull half the time? Will you stil love me in the morning?