Warpspeed, you steamy box of shit.

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They were the bane of every mechanic with whom i wrenched, these corn bespeckled wads of Christmas cheer.  The product of bullshit efforts that rode tandem with the sweatpants boner explosion of corporate BMX,  the Everyman’s Dually instantly reeked of rotting integrity.  As wrenches from coast to coast began having to massage these turd lumps between their palms in the name of 2nd fiscal quarter success, the smell of balls grew stronger on every chin.  We’d slurp it up, assembling Gary Fisher TunaBoats, Trek Why bikes, and Mosh BMXes ill-suited to carry even the most sedentary of lard bag drool farmers taking a break from the Mortal Kombat.

And then there was the Giant Warp.

I’d have forked over $20 in a second to dump one of these bound-for-the-big-box boat anchors in exactly the predicament you see below.  Alas, almost 15 years later, on my way out the door after a glorious day of magical bike tinkery, I spied one lying just where i’ve always wished to.  I cried a tear of joy much akin to the one a homely band fag once shed upon sighting an upside-down jock in the cafeteria trash can.  I do not wish this fate upon many bikes, but these can now and forever fade into the desert sunset along with the embarrassing balls smell from my chin.  Soap?  Anyone?


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About Snake Hawk

good, bad, funny, sad, stupid, rad, has, had. non-joining funhaver from coast to coast(er brake). buster of the chops, drawer of the logos. North Carolina, USA

19 Replies to “Warpspeed, you steamy box of shit.”

  1. I was right there with you, shoulder to shoulder in bullshit. Too bad that poor girl went out like that. Stem, bars, wheels, cranks, all that stuff could keep another bike rolling for someone.

    The parts don’t know where they came from…

  2. Is that a warp speed COMP or warp speed SPORT?
    BS But Seriously,
    The crankset looks like it actually might be decent.

  3. Snake Hawk,

    clicked on the picture & was transported to Nest of the Hawk.

    You rock & absolutely beautiful family, I hope that you count your blessings.

    (you can tell them I said so)

  4. Cyclist hit outside Macy’s – $900 (Macy’s)
    Date: 2010-04-06, 1:06AM MST
    Reply to: sale-bjtve-1678532108@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

    March 15th I was nailed by a White VW Van turning right into me, in front of Macy’s. I did not yell at the women who was driving, I did not even frown. I smiled I was very polite, and told her that I would see what the bike shop had to say and she would have to pay for the damages to my bike. She gave me a number, she called herself Claire. The number was a phony and my bike is totaled, can someone help me track her down? She drove a very distinctive Van. It’s back is covered with bumper-stickers, and the sides of the car are covered with maps. Any information would be appreciated. Plates are Arizona: 230-RDP

    Got a hold of the driver, she’s being a bit slippery, but I got her information. Thanks for all your help CL Community!

    * Location: Macy’s
    * it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

    PostingID: 1678532108

  5. Well said. I down with your comments on piece of shit bikes. We are lucky enough to have a loading dock outside the back door of the bike shop where I work. It is about a 3′ drop to the pavement, and is a perfect launch pad for shitcans such at the Warpspeed. Keep on wreckin.

  6. While I share the sentiment that all these junk bikes whould have never been made it’s a shame they don’t at least get recycled for the bare materials they are made of.

    instead it’s just more corporate made crap pawned off onto unknowing consumers on it’s way to a land fill.

    Still, looks like it is in good enough shape to salvage for some poor kid without a bike.

  7. “I made a warp replica frame with a few two by fours. I need parts for it.”

    Gnomer— did you use two nails in each joint? “Cause if you use three, it’s way too stiff.

  8. seriously. i would have been in the dumpster in 2 seconds. it’s better than a next, magna, or roadmaster. liberate wasted bikes!

  9. that snake, he sure can paint a picture with words. when he says BULLSHIT you can smell it.

  10. The phenomenon of unsafe, shitty bikes; is it a global conspiracy to get people to hate riding ‘bicycles’? as these turds should all be recalled, systematically turned in with a government grant to buy a reasonable Bianchi or Trek Hybrid, something $200 for god’s sake – idiot Americans buy these bikes NEW?

    I had a Huffy mountain bike for a short stint as a 12 year old. Rode it in the woods and the stem broke. It missed my neck by inches. I could have been a dead 12 year old because of some Taiwanese business man’s desire for profit – cutting the quality of the steel and the welding to maximize PROFITS.

    Where is the Ralph Nader of the bicycle world? Where are the OSHA standards for bicycles, are they met??

    I envision more than a dumpster score for someone hard up, who will eventually have a component failure and go down. Should have had a sledge hammer handy for that one, for sure. I’m all for mandating that shitty bikes get recalled in a ‘cash for clunkers’ program, but our gov priority is the personal big box coffin, not the bicycle.
    You’d think if the president cared enough he’d extend that $$$ to people that need it most – people who can’t afford good bikes, and ride these single-wall pipe-stock tubing nightmare ‘machines’.

    Hacksaws are good for disabling the shit rigs once and for all. And one more reason to never go to Wall Fuck, they purvey these death traps with a smile and a ‘thank you.’

  11. good thoughts from all. the romantic notion that all usable parts can be spared from a trip to the dumpster is simply not sustainable in any bike shop where the person signing your hard-earned paycheck is no one you’ve ever met. by all means, though, do dive in yourself. yes, it is a pity. a pity that the funds used to make that turd hunk couldn’t have been more sensibly spent. the whole trend reminds me of the fat fucks that think heart attacks are manly. sometimes more is less.

    sorry to see the good parts go, but sometimes you just gotta pull the plug.

  12. A Snake, that reminds me of Flagstaff.

    Worked at a bar near the hospital, The owner had me cook up a monstorous slab of red meat, throw it on a bun with NO VEGETABLES and a vat of lard covered potatoe strings.

    Then I had to deliver it to a 50+ year old biker dude in the hospital, must’ve been a good 300 lbs.
    Heart attack, monster meat slab, no veggies and lard… They go so well together.