Is there anything the French don’t do right?

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First, full disclosure here, I am ethnically French, mostly French Canadian (yeah, that’s right, we DO NOT claim Celine Dion I can guarantee you that), but I still have some roots from the Normandy region of France. Most would mistake me for Italian, or as others have mentioned before, I look sort of like a terrorist when I let the beard grow out for about, oh, 5 hours, that thing grows fast. But, yes, I am French, I can’t help it. Also, I have to disclose that there is something that the French don’t do right, and recently, that’s been bike racing, and by recently I mean since Hinnault left the sport.

Anyway, I have a co-worker who went to France recently, and brought back this extremely blurry picture of something that she found in a bathroom over there. Apparently, you can moisten your TP with this little gadget, so that you can roll into the bathroom, drop a deuce (or, negotiate the release of some chocolate hostages), and then leave feeling so fresh and so clean (thanks Outkast). I personally haven’t seen anything like this in the United States, but I’m sure they do exist, and if you happen to see something like this around, for the love of all that is holy, please let me know. I NEED to try this out. 

You see, like most bike racers, and I know that there are possibly a few reading this who know what I’m talking about, heading into the smelly overloaded port-a-potty before starting your race is not only required, but it is a right of passage that comes within pinning on a number, and toeing the line. If you’re also a veteran of doing this, you and I both know that it is almost a necessity that you bring your own toilet paper with you, because sure as shit (pun fully intended there), you’ll get in there, drop your drawers, have a grunt and a groan, and you’ll add your discharge to the collection below, and then you’ll reach for the scratchy industrial grade sandpaper, oops, I mean, toilet paper, and the holder will be empty (not to mention the pile of smelly dung below you is almost touching your hairy ass). There are lots of us who have come out missing a sock, or maybe a favorite pair of boxers, so if you race, and you’re reading this, and you don’t already do it, bring an extra roll with you into the can, you’ll thank me later. And, you’ll probably make some new friends because folks will realize that you’re their connection to them being race ready. My whole point is this, if we had these bottom moisturizing units at bike races, saddle sores would definitely be cut way back.

Back to the things that the French do correctly, let’s run down the list shall we?

1. The menage a trois, of course
2. French fries (even though they’re Belgian)
3. Wine
4. Champagne
5. French kissing
6. French dressing
7. French fried onions
8. Time bikes
9. Look pedals, well, before other clipless pedals came around
10. Blow jobs (hey, they said it in Talladega Nights, so it has to be true
11. Support for upstart colonies looking for freedom from English oppression (yeah, that would be us) 
12. Paris-Roubaix (of course, cobbles, mud, and crashes oh my)
13. And le Tour de France 

And, well, that could be about it. I’m sure there is lots of other things, but I’m getting tired, and want to head towards the bed for sleep and rest. I’ve got this raging headache that I think came from eating some food from a local restaurant near me, because last time that I ate there, I had the same thing happen. I think they’re spiking me with some sort of headache powder. I hate it when that happens.

Look, yesterday I was writing about how George W. Bush = fail, and I had some responses about that, one indicating that hey, he didn’t do so bad, he got rid of Hussein (in regards to the things I was writing about the war being a bad decision) after all. Thing is, that’s NOT the reason why we were going into Iraq in the first place. What we were told, and lied to about, was that Hussein wanted to sell WMDs to terrorists so that they could use them in our backyard and you know, turn say, Miami into a post apocalyptic vision similar to Mad Max. I believe several folks, including Herr Bush, talked about a mushroom cloud hanging over American cities. Talk about sowing fear, and pushing to head into war. Of course, we got there, and there were NO WMDs, which, is what a lot of folks were saying, we of course, as usual, were not listening. What did happen though, was that Bush put out the infamous words of, you’re either with us, or against us, which also meant, you couldn’t question anything that he, or his cronies, wanted to do. If you did, you were branded as being un-Patriotic, and un-American, and FOR the terrorists.

Remember folks, don’t let Bush whitewash history. Iraq was supposed to be about weapons of mass destruction, there were none there. I say, pull back to Kuwait, declare victory, and send everyone home ASAP. Let’s pull the plug, and not lose any more Americans in a cause that was predicated on false pretenses.

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About giantcu92

Engineer living in the NOVA, and working for "The Man". Cycling and political junky. All things 2 wheeled are good. 4 wheels? Eh, OK, but 2 wheels better. Washinton, DC, USA

28 Replies to “Is there anything the French don’t do right?”

  1. i don’t know which i would have preferred at the Tour of the White Mtns…. That gagdet-o-freshness or my favorite riding socks….

    good thing my tent was between the turd capsul and the starting line.

  2. OK, I believe some self editing is in order.

    Mr. Giantcu92, you sir, are an pretty good writer with lots of ideas. That being said, keep it to one idea at a time. The French bit was great, really, but like your last post about Sir Tatoo, you thinned the soup a little too much with the Bush Bashing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about some BBing but I likes to keep my bikes the hell away from my politics. That’s why all my rides are in the garage and away from harmful ideas/germs.

  3. Dude, that was a funny post. Mix your shit all you want. Froggies, poop, Bush…I saw the connection.


  5. i like the french sense of humor…

    and they are the best cooks in the world… love quebec beer




    and riding…


  6. Champagne and I have an agreement: I leave it alone and it leaves me alone. The rest of the booze world is all good…

    Poutines are good, but those are really more Quebecois than French…

  7. …i’d say hinault & bidets were the last significant contributions the french made regarding ‘assholes’…

    …no wonder they don’t have any decent tour champions these days if the highest they can aspire to is a toilet paper dispenser that sprays lotion…
    …fuck, that’s sad…

    …& let’s not forget french toast, but to make that really happening, ya need french-canadian maple syrup…

  8. If you can’t defend your country or be grateful to those who do it for you I guess you might as well be really good at wiping your ass.

  9. Lack of tp in similar race/training scenario has provided the impetus behind the term I came up with to decribe what HAD to be done…the SOCKRIFICE.

  10. One of the best posts I’ve read in awhile. I just knew you were going to say something about how rough it gets in those Port O Potties when it’s a Hundred degrees outside, makes me nearly faint just thinking about it.
    You go, Giantcu92, I’d like to buy you a beer.

  11. don’t forget the cheese… and the calvados… and the cognac…


    the bidet

    BTW – i guess ya haven’t had kids because the best damn thing to take with you to the races is a pack of unscented baby wipes… these are the best… no saddle sore with those post dropping a deuce

    just don’t use a clorox wipe unless you want your ass to burn for 15 minutes…

    bottom line rule of thumb wetter is always better

  12. I did the 24hr race in Conyers a few years ago and one of my teammates showed with a huge bag of the adult-sized baby wipes that hospitals use for sponge baths. About 5 times bigger than a regular baby wipe. Those things were the bomb.

    There was no greater feeling than coming in from a lap, cooking up a wipe on the radiant space heater, and rubbing away the funk with a toasty warm wipe. One of the guys at the shop (now a Cane Creek employee – Yo Spanky!!) later showed me picture he’d snapped of me with both hands down the front of my shorts with a hot wipe and a glazed look in my eyes. Yep – it felt that good.

  13. Glaze with the wipe. I run a small pack of baby wipes on bike-packing trips because getting rid of the funk es muy bueno. Especially prior to fuming out in the bivy.

  14. I’ll throw another vote in for the Baby Wipes. I’ve got a travel pack in my hydrapack at all times and the baby wipe shower makes ALL the difference at 24hr races.

    ..also, I can’t speak directly to French (France) beer, but even if it’s on par with “lite” beers that all countries can be ashamed of, the Quebecois beer more than evens the score. With brewers like;
    and others the French can hold their heads high indeed. ..this may well be a driving force on why the rest of Canada is reluctant to let them seperate.

  15. The baby wipe thing is funny cuz it highlights something the French are famous for not doing well….bathing. ;)

  16. …let’s keep in mind here yer talking two different animals when it comes to french & french-canadien, eh ???…
    …they got separated a long time ago…

    …a true frenchman would look down his long gaulic nose at le canadien & say “excusez-moi, related ???…mon dieu, non, non, non, ami, c’est impossible”

    …le canadien would say “doz francais pigs can kiss my ‘airy ass, eh ???…dey t’ink dey are so fu-cking spec-ial wit dere crap food & dere ‘oh la la’ boolshit…fuck doz guys, eh ???”

  17. Add to your list
    Nuclear Power. France is 80% nuke powered and they have no waste problem. Complex issue but they run breeder reactors and reprocess their fuel to make more fuel.

  18. Since Quebec is Canadian (or it is according to most people outside of Quebec??) I can’t consider their beer french. Just too much Canadian influence there. Like I can judge shit…

    but speaking of…

  19. Baby wipes are a fucking life saver. Those little minipacks of kleenex also are a good thing to have in the jersey pocket for those special times when the intestines are feeling a little rebellious.

    Speaking of bidets…

    I was once mountainbiking with a friend who was suddenly smitten by explosive diarrhea and had to ditch it without any chance to look for a remotely ideal location. He took care of business and proceded to attempt wiping with anything that he could find, which amounted to handfuls of dirt and small rocks. He was bitching up a storm and then he brightened up and yelled for me to throw his water bottle over. voila, instant bidet. He claimed it did a pretty damn good job under the circumstances, but regretted opting to fill with a powdered gatorade mix. Still, much better than a crack full of dirt.