Ya’ll mother fuckers can’t fade my shit

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Tonight is the big spooky Halloween Costume Bicycle Scavenger Hunt.

I’m staying in.

And what’s on the list worth all of 15 points out of a max of 20?

My autograph.


I’ve known about it for a few days. But still, the phone is ringing, people are looking for me… It is interrupting my “sofa time”.

I’ve taken the bull by the horns. My autograph. Stapled to the wall out front. Don’t even knock. I don’t give a shit. Just take one and leave.

Don’t forget to tip the ladies…

And, yo, the first person to grab one… came in a car!

Oh, the irony!

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

15 Replies to “Ya’ll mother fuckers can’t fade my shit”

  1. Lucky you are in and enjoying the evening. Mine ended early with a wicked buzzkill. Some chicks roll into the bar we were at and say that some kids just drove through the lot and egged some cars. I immediately head outside, and sure enough, mine got hit. My beautiful, red, spit-shined and polished 1973 Corvette…with egg dripping down the windshield and all over the hood. I’m too angry to drink.

  2. Your beautiful, red, spit-shined and polished 1973 Corvette got egged? Oh, the humanity! Sorry about your penis. But just a little. Maybe big jonny will tie on a thong and soap up his hairy brillo pad arms to wash your car for you. Oh, wait. That’s MY fantasy.

  3. …now if you owned a ’63 split window coupe, i woulda been both impressed & empathetic to yer plight…

    …a ’73, egh, not so much…unless it’s repainted non-standard black, has the 454 big block & ya definitely gotta have, oh, lets see, maybe a set of polished halibrand’s cuz all the ’73 stock wheels sucked…

    …btw, what the fuck were you thinkin’, a red corvette on halloween…ya know yer gonna get tricked, not treated…

  4. Lance: Still got your Malibu?
    Vincent: Aw, man. You know what some fucker did the other day?
    Lance: What?
    Vincent: Fucking keyed it.
    Lance: Oh, man, that’s fucked up.
    Vincent: Tell me about it. I had it in storage for three years, it was out for five days and some dickless piece of shit fucked with it.
    Lance: They should be fucking killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.
    Vincent: Boy, I wish I could’ve caught him doing it. I’d have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It’d been worth him doing it just so I could’ve caught him doing it.
    Lance: What a fucker!
    Vincent: What’s more chickenshit than fucking with a man’s automobile? I mean, don’t fuck with another man’s vehicle.
    Lance: You don’t do it.
    Vincent: It’s just against the rules.

  5. BGW…it does have a 383 stroker and Edelbrock intake, Flowmaster exhaust…and if I did catch the MFs that did it, I’d probably be in jail this morning. You DON’T fuck with another man’s vehicle. Hell, my WIFE was ready to kill.

  6. …i’ll be honest w/ ya, sfb, i hope it didn’t screw up the paint…’73 or not, it’s yer baby & i can dig that…i woulda been apoplectic myself in the same situation…

    …now…when i was a kid, we did some trickin’ but eggs were for the principal & vice-principals houses…

    …just remembering…

  7. …’course if i wuz in some halloween scavenger hunt n’ a guy gave me the 15 point autograph i needed but didn’t meet me @ the door n’ lay on some candy, well i mighta egged his house too, bein’ as it’s halloween n’ all but hey, i’m like that…

    ..nik, never thrown yer wheels on a buddy’s bike rack & driven somewhere different for an awesome ride or race in new territory ???…or are you one a’ those ‘real’ cyclists i so admire ???…

  8. Nik, didn’t really expect sympathy from this crowd for the car thing…the fact that you are so adamant about blowing me shit only leads me to the conclusion that you have never appreciated a fine automobile…either out of spite or because you just can’t afford one. Either way, not my problem. My point is merely a lack of RESPECT for other people’s shit. THAT’S what pisses me off.
    For the record, no mullet here (although I did play soccer in high school and had one then), I’m not gay, my penis is really quite average, and my wife’s family lives in a fine house. As for polluting the air…shit man, I hope you choke on my exhaust, but I’d never run you over. I’m a nice guy.

  9. you are…After reading youre reply, I am now admiring you…You are awsome, and I hope the fucknuts who fucked youre car up are sentenced to death…

  10. Shouldn’t you save that car for nice Sunday drives? Doesn’t a red vett scream pull me over? Maybe you drink as much as you ride. So you don’t have to worry.