I’m about to go pro.

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I’m back in the bike shop. Maybe I never really left. Maybe it’s better this way.

I woman came in today, one of the rudest short stack Phoenix Princess’s I’ve ever had the bad luck to run across. And I’m the middle of quite a spell of bad luck.

I showed her our cheapest mountain bike, a Giant for $239.99. She asked why we didn’t have any used bikes. I said we did, down in the basement. There was an old red Schwinn for $125.

“No Schwinn. I hate Schwinn. Do you have a Trek?”

“No used Treks.”

“Do you have a Trek?”

“No, we’re not a Trek dealer.”

“Do you have a Trek? I have a Trek in Phoenix.”

“What, like me personally? Do I own a Trek? No. I don’t own a Trek bicycle.”

“So if I want a Trek I have to go somewhere else? But I can get a Specialized here?”

“Yes, we are a Specialized dealer. And we sell Giant.”

“I don’t want a Giant. I want a Trek. My husband has a Specialized in Phoenix. It fits him. So I have to get his bike here and go somewhere else for a Trek?”


Her husband finally shows his face after parking the car in New Mexico for all I know and walks in. She turns to him and says, “All the bikes here are twice as much as they are in Phoenix.”

He says two words: “Let’s go.” And they leave.

I’m pretty sure you can’t get a new Giant mountain bike for $120 bucks anywhere on god’s green earth. But what the hell do I know?

I was home alone all last week with my daughter while my wife was away at a conference. I was feeling pretty lame after Vegas, just beat down. I had lost my voice (and some thanked god) and it took a few days to right itself. I never hit a fever, but I sure felt all that good either. I would come home from work, but my daughter to bed after dinner and crawl in-between the sheets by about eight thirty each night. Sometimes it was closer to seven.

My wife comes home on Friday, listens to me hacking in bed and says, “How long you been like this?”

“All week.”

“Did you call the Doctor?”

“Yeah, I got an appointment for next Thursday.”

In the morning, she tells me we’re going to Urgent Care. I apparently kept her up all night coughing and wheezing. They open at 8:00 am and we hit the parking lot at 8:03.

I walk out with four prescriptions. I’m now on a course of ten days of anti-biotics, five days of steroids, a bronchial inhaler and codeine cough syrup.

I’m about to go pro.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

19 Replies to “I’m about to go pro.”

  1. As far as your pro career goes…

    I hear Astana has a new director that’s never had an athlete get caught on his watch…

  2. As far as your pro career goes…

    I hear Astana has a new manager that’s pretty good at getting clean tests out of dirty riders…

    Wait, did I just type that out loud?

  3. Eh. You wuss.

    Should have just downed a bottle of Dayquil at the first sign and been done with it.

    You let your wife see you like that ?? Oi vey.

    Pro ?? Muwhahahahaha

    Back to the minors for you young man.

  4. …glad yer alive, bucko…been wonderin’ what vegas went ‘n’ done ta yer body ‘n’ soul…

    …marion jones will be popping by all this week to give ya prostrate massages…all part of her, “give back to the people” penitence thingy…
    …m. j. diary—‘return medals, erase records & “help” big jonny w/ that “medical need”…nice…you’ll be singin’ by saturday…

  5. Sounds like that chick’s lucky her husband hasn’t committed suicide yet! Especially if he’s been puttin up with her shit! He apparently has realized that she shouldn’t be out in public, so thank him for doin us all a favor! He just walked up because he was fuckin tired from chasin that bitch down from Phoenix, ain’t no cage gonna hold her back, once she’s out, she’s gone! Either that or she just caught a ride on the Trek Band Wagon.

    And if you ask me, if Alka-Selzer Cold and Cough can’t get the job done, nothing can.

  6. thank god I can start caring about pro cycling again. looking forward to seeing you in yellow on the Champs on that pink Moser. should be a great after party……

  7. They should hand out complimentary scripts for Cipro at all Vegas points of entry. Would have saved you the trouble Big Johnny.
    And as for the the 2 a-holes (Chad,that SNL bit is a classic) from PHX, we should hand them all a complimentary packet of of tranqs. when they enter FLG airspace… but a special variety that will allow them to still spend their money of course…. and take away their 4-wheeled vehicles until they are ready to leave.

  8. Do you have a Trek?…

    just sad that some things don’t change much in shops.

    Back in the day in Maine a couple came in early one morning with two new Cannondales decked out with panniers. The gent complained that “something was squeaking” and was concerned that it might be the bottom bracket. As quickly as he came in, Tom, still covered in mud from his ride, jumped on his bike and rode away leaving the owner totally bewildered and wondering who that was riding off on his bike. A short time later Tom returned with the cause of the squeak – a loose strap on a rear pannier.

    good times and good luck with the high rollers in the shop

  9. How do people get that far in life behaving so poorly? Jackasses like that are why I don’t work in shops any more. I put up with it for 15 years and got to the point where I hated people and bikes and the next ass hole that copped an attitude with me was going to get punched. You (customer) came in here because I know how to fix something you don’t. That service costs money. GRRRRRR. It still makes me mad. There are reasons that longtime mechanics are so surly.

    Take care of yourself, before it becomes pneumonia. That happened to me last summer. My lower GI is still a little off from the antibiotics…

  10. I worked in a shop for years. I want to figure out what these people do for a living so I can make their jobs harder.

    Oh wait, most are GOP and never have had to work a day in their lives.

  11. Ahh. Yes. Lot’s of GOP with no dirt under their fingernails…plenty of hard-workin’, representin’-the-common-man Democrats workin’ at bike shops. I can still remember that day John Edwards changed out my bottom bracket…

  12. *** rhetorical warning ***

    just wut is the difference between a rich republican and a rich democrat?

  13. Former bike shop owner here…All I can say is there is a whole other world out there. You can stay in a shop and feel like your head is bleeding (which is self-inflicted) or you can grow up and get a REAL JOB!!!

    I’m not saying one is better than the other, but the option is there.

  14. I’ll bet it’s nothing that a little “Plinky” can’t fix…

    By the way, DO you have a Trek?? Do you??