The Oprah Winfrey Lance Armstrong interview drinking game

Yes. This is going to hurt.

We all know what’s coming. There is no secret about it. There will be revelations. There will be an admission of wrongdoing. He’s going to finally admit that he doped in his cycling career.

After more than a decade of denials, cyclist Lance Armstrong reversed course Monday and told Oprah Winfrey that he had used performance-enhancing drugs in winning the Tour de France. http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/lance-armstrong-admits-doping-in-oprah-winfrey-interview….

So, basically this game is heavily slanted toward the abuse of your liver. Suck it up, fatboy. Pimp’n ain’t easy. See Big Daddy Kane – Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy (feat. Nice & Smooth) available at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGRoEfRJSGs.

As none of us have actually seen the interview yet, there are still some things we can play with.

Preliminary matters:
- Immediately shotgun a beer if he is wearing yellow during the interview.
- Take a shot from a .357 if he claps on a stingy brim and starts singing, “My Way.” (We’re kidding.)

Take one drink If Lance:
- says the word “cancer”
- says the word “hope”
- says the word “regret”
- says the word “lie”
- says the word “God”
- uses the phrase “everyone was doing it”
- blinks two or more times before responding to Oprah

Endurance drinking:
- Begin drinking at the first sign of tears forming in Lance Armstrong’s cold, dead eyes, and continue to drink until he stops crying. (This may require close proximity to backup drinks because, baby, here come the water works. See How to Cry On the Spot.)

Finish your drink if Lance says he regrets the way he treated:
- Greg Lemond
- Betsy Andreu
- Emma O’Reilly (Updated, because really. Hat tip IcemanYVR.)
- Frankie Andreu
- Tyler Hamiltion
- Floyed Landis
- Filippo Simeoni
- Mike Anderson
- David Walsh
- Paul Kimmage
(There are so many, I had to stop the list. Please forgive any exclusions.)

Random rules:
- Snort a line of salt if he admits to perjury.
- Throw entire shot, beer, Bloody Mary, glass of Malbec, whatever floats your boat and trips your trigger over your shoulder if he blames Johann Bruyneel.

Note: If you are only twenty minutes into this shitshow interview and you’ve already drank your weight in lager, staggering like a drunken sailor and begging for mercy, you are undoubtedly not alone. If you find yourself up against the ropes, feeling that you just can’t go on, remember this guy. You want inspiration? Look no further.

crazy-eyed-dowhill-kids-bike

You think this guy is scared of a couple of drinks over a multimillionaire squeezing out crocodile tears and faking regret because he seriously NEEDS to compete again? No. This guy couldn’t give a rat’s ass.

So, HTFU, you big baby. You have all of Friday to sober up for the big Saturday Morning World Championship training ride that you are so going to own. Just like you do every week, Champ.

And, feel free to add any additional suggestions you may have in the comment section.

How drunk did you get during the Lance Armstrong interview?… at AnswerGarden.ch.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

48 thoughts on “The Oprah Winfrey Lance Armstrong interview drinking game

  1. …i would gladly buy everyone on that list including emma o’reilly, a beverage of their choice simply because i didn’t “…get it…” much sooner than i did…
    …i make no bones about it…armstrong was an inspiration when i had my own serious medical problems & i allowed that to blind me to the truth for longer than it should have…
    …at this point & for a long time now, i don’t think i’d piss on cancer jesus if he was on fire…

  2. @ IcemanYVR, good call. The omission has been rectified. Thanks for pointing that out. Ms. O’Reilly was treated quite badly. She is now third on the list, as you suggested.

  3. If his insincerity overwhelms someone in the room to the point it causes someone to vomit… Do we have a drink? It gonna be his sickening sympathy grabbing pernicious distortion of reality that will cause the violent sickness, not the previous drinks.

  4. How about a beer bong every time he refers to himself in 3rd person as in…
    “when Lance the cyclist…”

  5. Big Juan, you nailed it. This is going to be more fun than a Ronald Reagan film festival on Lifetime. You forgot to add the words: fans, believers, trust, and bully.

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  7. Put the blame were it really belongs at the feet of the UIC and the USADA. Ya Lance doped as did the rest of the competitors did, they all did the best they could to cover it up so they would not get caught. Was it right no. Lance was better at it than most and more competitive at it as he was on the bike. It takes more than a good chemist to win 7 TDF’s. The people that is responsible for making pro cycling a joke is the people that supposed to police it. They have done a good job of focusing the light on someone else and we have all bot into it .

  8. As an Irishman, I suggest you down a pint of Guinness if he does the celebrity-f**k-up patented ‘regretful but sincere’ expression for more than 30 seconds.

    Additionally, drown yourself in Black Bush (innuendo well and truly intended) if he actually comes out and says ‘I took performance enhancing drugs’ in plain English.

  9. When asked tomorrow why I’m hungover, I’ll just look ‘em in the eye and say with a shrug, “everyone else was doing it.” Then I’ll book an appearance on Oprah to confess. Then? Profit.

  10. Remember, Lance lied to you when he told you he never doped. So why should you believe him now that he tells you he did? Use your heads people. Lance is not a reliable witness; ergo, the allegations are unproven. Lance remains innocent until proven guilty. Don’t get fooled again!
    (that’ll be $1200)

  11. Is no problem because here in Good Ole’ Virgin-i-a, tomorrow is a state holiday know as Lee-Jackson Day, which ironically enough, is parlayed into a four day weekend cause Monday is MLK, Jr Day. So the drink is on! But wait there is more, this interview is now a two-night shit-show, so the Saturday AM World Championships may still be in jeopardy. Just eat more bacon, you’ll be good.

    Prediction 1: Lance turns the tables and portrays himself as the victim, having no choice in the doping matter because of the tremendous pressure of representing a nation that could give a rats ass about bike racing.
    Prediction 2: Lance uses interview as a spring board to reinvent his career, within 2 years he will be the (insert acronym of national/international sanctioning body here) doping program administrator to give the next generation “the opportunity he never had.”
    Alt. Prediction 2: “meet Mr Armstrong, freshman congressman from Texas!”

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  13. Rum is restocked and DVR is set. I know I’ll be hammered by the midpoint with a good chance of unconsciousness by the end. I’ll have to rewatch the interview once I sober up. Do I have the start the drinking game again when I watch the replay? I may never be sober again.

  14. My plan is to simply sit in a dark room and take a drink every time I blink, or as I like to call it, “Monday through Sunday”.

  15. I picked up a fifth of rum to augment my viewing pleasure, but it’s already almost half gone. Oh well, Pawn Stars reruns are go.

    Chumlee! Get back to work.

  16. Stevil
    You so hip. Be sure to build a giant can dildo with your empties

  17. I can’t wait for him to drop Fat Pat straight in it. I just hope I don’t have to tune in for tomorrow’s installment to witness that. This is a 2am job for your UK readers.

  18. Just told the Boss about it. He is going to do it. I have to be quiet about. The girlie has a CPA exam tomorrow early. I don’t want to fuck up her day.

  19. The Oprah Show must be paying him a fortune.The money just keeps coming and coming no matter what he does

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  21. Jonny

    Seeing as you have a forum such as this to put the word out why don’t we declare this “bread and water” day. Why don’t we use this to celebrate and recognize the clean athletes? F*ck, Lance. I feel bad for all the athletes who get included in the “they all dope” bullsh*t. To all the cyclists and athletes in all sports who compete clean, here is a tip of the hat to you and I raise my glass in a toast.

    Ivan Pulaski

  22. I got REAL drunk, REAL fast. Now I must vomit and pass out and have a hangover.
    Damn your drinking games.

    It’s your fault.
    Not mine.

  23. I can’t help it. I have to confess, I was wrong. Livestrong is a wonderful thing. I was so wrong for so long but now I see the truth. I was a bad person before because I just wanted to be right at all costs, but I was wrong and I can see that now. I’m sorry.

    Can I be right again now?

  24. Jonny

    Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. The f*cking cheaters have had their day in the sun, let’s celebrate the folks who played hard and fair. You and your site have long supported the clean riders, thanks for that.

    “Paniagua Day” has a nice ring to it. Let’s make it happen.

    Ivan Pulaski

  25. Still telling packs of lies with a straight face. The only thing I’m convinced of is that he could beat any lie detector…to him lying and telling the truth are moral equivalents.

  26. All I know is that I hurt today… I’m too old for that shit. I may have to switch to tea for tonight’s half.

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  28. Holy shit, he just listed everyone but Simeoni, Anderson, and Kimmage. I have some drinking to do…

  29. Oprah lit his shit up ! He needs alot of therapy and time off before the next interview . Oprah was really good tonight ! That was Oprah’s best session ever .

  30. …sorry, lance but congratulations are just not in order…you thought you could pull it off & all it would take would be a few hours of oprah’s time but that didn’t happen…

    …it was nicely strategized & carefully conceived & maybe those who have no concept of what any of this is really about bought into it…

    …after so many years of your vigilante denials, the constant drone of “…i never tested positive & i’m the most tested athlete on the planet…” & suddenly your public image & income source were plummeting faster & more recklessly than joseba beloki on a mountain descent & so i guess you thought by ‘oprahfying’ & answering “yes” to a few straight questions & waffeling around a bunch of others, you could be seen as just another frail & flawed human being…

    …but it’s too deep, bro, it’s just to fucking deep & complex & the reality is you went out of your way to hurt & fuck with the lives of too many people on the way up, so now, you gotta expect it’s gonna bite your ass on the way back down…

    …so, ya, this might a’ looked good to the clue nada crowd BUT for those of us with half a fucking clue, you just wrapped yourself in more deceit, bullshit & cover up…

    …i mean, c’mon, dude, really ???…“…ohhh, look at me…i’m admitting i’m human…i was just one of the guys & all the guys did it…see, now you CAN love me again…”

    …’whitewash’ & subterfuge, comes to mind, dude…rather than contriteness, you offered up more conceit…

    …7 tour de france wins in a row is fucking remarkable, bro…the focus, the drive, the determination — but maybe you just proved that only a sociopath could achieve that kinda feat…

  31. bgw, “cancer Jesus” jokes aside, he wasn’t expected to live. He recovered and went on to win arguably one of the toughest challenges in the world, not one, but seven times in a row.; I don’t give a flying crap how many of the drugs he took that everyone else was taking. It’s still a remarkable achievement.

    And I don’t need to watch some fat ho on tv for an excuse to get drunk. Just sayin’.

  32. …ummm – “…7 tour de france wins in a row is fucking remarkable, bro…the focus, the drive, the determination — but maybe you just proved that only a sociopath could achieve that kinda feat…”

  33. ‘Kay I haven’t had my coffee yet, so alttle help here-Seven wins makes you a sociopath. So four wins puts you in what corner of the nuthouse?