Stuff Saturday: The Beginning

A couple months ago, while I was hanging out with Caveman up on Cave Mountain, we realized that our post ride bullshitting always came back around to talking about bike gear. Tires, handlebars, frames, grips, packs…you name it, we covered it. We also realized that the both of us are extremely hard on our gear. Ride it hard, put it away wet, then ride it hard again. The bottom line is that we break a lot of stuff and the stuff we don’t break we stand by religiously.

The idea was born that we should just randomly write about the gear we use. It doesn’t matter if we buy it ourselves, if somebody gives it to us, or whether we love it or we hate it. We are going to let you know what we think. The only problem is that most product reviews are ridiculously boring regurgitations of industry press releases. D2 tried to mix it up with his last bike review and it definitely kept my attention. Even if some people questioned our legitimacy as a cycling news source because of it. You know how serious we are around here. This is extremely serious shit. All the time.

For my first review I will discuss something very serious that should be brought to everyone’s attention. This actually goes beyond product review and into the realm of public service announcement:

Gatorade G Series “Lime Cucumber”

Now let me set the stage for you. It was a hot August day here in the desert. My buddy LoLo and I had stayed up most of the night killing beers and chasing skirts when we thought it was a good idea to go for a nice long mountain bike ride at dawn. It was 92 degrees at the start and well over 110 by the time we finished our little 25 mile lap around the mountain. We both agreed that what we needed at that moment was a beer so we stopped at the nearest quickie mart for supplies. I figured that I should probably get a little hydration to go with my beer(s) so I grab a Gatorade as well…

We all know you shop for sports drinks by color, not by flavor or nomenclature, and there before me was a new color. Like a bird attracted to something shiny, I instantly go for this intriguing sea foam  green beverage. Parched from hours of nightlife and riding, I proceed to pour about half the bottle down my throat before I even taste it. Then it hit me. The flavor of pre-chewed cucumber mixed with and un-frozen green Otter Pop. All I could do was wretch and look at the bottle in disbelief like I was just betrayed by an old friend.

This stuff is so awful that I don’t even understand how this got past the quality control robots back at the CocaCola factory. Who was sitting around the boardroom one day and said “You know what guys? When I’m really thirsty the one thing I want is a salad poured down my throat” I’m pretty sure that didn’t happen. But what probably did happen was some market research that said if they made the label in Spanish it would appeal to a whole different demographic.

yum?

In my delirious and angered state, I decided to go back inside and give it a piece of my mind

F U

You have been warned. My work here is done.

 

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About dirty biker

I am a fan of singletrack, singlespeeds, single malt, and single women. Tempe, Arizona, USA

20 thoughts on “Stuff Saturday: The Beginning

  1. …you disgusting, kiss ass, corporate fucking lackey – you prob’ly get your electrolytes by licking the sweat off the balls of the coke executives that slide those big checks under the table to you………

    …ummm, what ???…oh, wait ???…wow, really, you mean you DON’T like this stuff ???…oh gosh, my bad…i thought this was the typical ‘bicycle magazine’ product review, you know, the kind…“we’ve never met a bicycle we didn’t like…”

    …your review was more REFRESHING than this product…

  2. …clamato ???…i thought that was when you went down on a chick who was………oh, shit, never mind…

  3. In the early to mid sixties when I was a kid caddying the old blue bloods would, at the 9th hole turn, on those hot steamy summer days, would have a drink of cold consume on ice with lemon, poured straight from a Campbels soup can. I would take anything I could get and so I would always have one too. Leaning now about protein and elecrolytes it makes good sense. Tried the mix not too long ago, still tastes pretty dam good.

  4. A bottle of Kraken and a case of beer in less than 24hrs and 60miles with 2 podiums….
    Enuff said

  5. Excellent write up sir, fucking hilarious!

    Currently sitting in Newark airport, and was informed that we should buy a book or something, as the entertainment system on the aircraft is non functional. Many young kids on this flight too, nice. You know you envy me.

    Vegas, here I come.

    Wait, all these little kids are going to Vegas?

    WTF is going on in this world…..

  6. at a SF bike event ~8 years ago, i was handed a free can of Monster. i didn’t really want it, but after a few minutes my subconscious noted a cold can of something in my hand and cracked it open and took a sip. I went “uurrrgh!” and made a wretched face, telling my buddy V how bad it sucked. but didn’t have anywhere to pitch it, so carried it, and on a warm day within a few minutes my subconscious moved cold can up to lips again, where again I ended up swallowing, vomiting a little, saying “grouuuuluraaauck” and twisting my face. to which V said: maybe that’s why they call it monster?

  7. That is some serious shit right there.

    Have you tried the 2-cis-6-trans-nonadienal? Just a thought.

  8. “I figured that I should probably get a little hydration to go with my beer(s) so I grab a Gatorade as well…”

    I’m confused. Isn’t beer considered hydration? I mean it’s liquid, right?