Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

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Or don’t. Today marks 10 months of “don’t” for me. Suffices to say I think I’m over it.

Used to LOVE the Marlboro Reds. They made me feel like a skinny, bow-legged, motherfucking cowboy with glasses. I never felt any kind of hurt when riding as a result of being a tuff guy smoking guy. Read More Here about the results of smoking. In fact, I found no better place to keep a cigarette straight, unbroken, and drier than inside a handlebar. Perfect way to pass the time waiting out the rest of Big Kitchen’s effort up a hill. While Thunderham of the Lowlands was busy installing switchbacks accross the breadth of a fire road, marking his progress with an offering of pre-digested sausage patties, I would enjoy me a Cowboy Snack and take in the view.

I thought maybe if I smoked enough of the damned things, I’d be able to save up enough miles for the Marlboro ‘Cross bike:


Like fat kids by a cereal box prize I was fooled, grubby hands and all. You gotta mail the miles in. Postage on 174 pounds worth of cigarette UPC’s could get you a Surly Cross Check, but the bar-end shifters would relegate my cigs to the lonesome, vulnerable seat pack once more.

I was over it anyhow–at least until i saw this bundle of guiltless cautionary sex-appeal:


Maybe if I smoke enough of those little beauties, they’ll give me one of these:


Fuck it. I’m just gonna buy a football and some Marlboros. Happy 10 months.

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About Snake Hawk

good, bad, funny, sad, stupid, rad, has, had. non-joining funhaver from coast to coast(er brake). buster of the chops, drawer of the logos. North Carolina, USA

9 Replies to “Smoke ’em if you got ’em.”

  1. Happy 10 Snake… I quit after my dad had a heart attack and I saw him in the hospital after a quintuple-bypass. I was no longer a real smoker, to be sure… but it knocked the wind outta me (pun, ha ha) since he never drank or smoked or had any fun that I saw.

    As for moving to the Fatherland, where bars are open till 5 am and smoking is a birthright… well, lets say there are the occasional coffin-nails I enjoy… but the feeling the morning after is worse than drinking PBR out of the can and eating something that shouldn’t be eaten.

    Point is, it sucks first off… but as the days grow into months then years, you become the typical hypocritical ex-smoker.

    Welcome to the club.

  2. “Perfect way to pass the time waiting out the rest of Big Kitchen’s effort up a hill.”

    Reading that I snorted out a precious amount of beer that is now lost forever.

    Well worth it.

    Thanks a lot Snake. That made my week.

    I’m going for another beer and a smoke or two in your honor.

  3. I am on my 5 month marker today without the chemical pleasures of nicotine. All I need to see was that they are charging up to $10 a pack now to keep me on the straight and smokefree trail. How can anyone afford that shit? Rather get me some bud for those prices.

  4. I liked the ‘installing switchbacks’ part. LOL, great sentance, never thought of it that way but I’ve installed several switchies of my own.

    Never thought of the bars as a place to stash the green cigarettes either, have to give that one a try ;)

    Quit smoking years ago, due mainly to MTBing. Now they just seem so nasty to me, the smell, the taste, the nauscious feeling (yeah, I have had one or two, something about a sultry, sweaty sucubus after the fact wanting to share bent my willpower for mere moments).
    Glad it happened though, the long term effects are much less glamorous than made out to be. Would suck to have to catch a breath walking up a flight of 10 stairs.

  5. all smoking is great. congrats to all. congrats if you’ve quit; it’s hard as fuck to do. congrats if you still smoke cigarettes; smoking them is bad-ass, sexually attractive, calming, great for your handsmell, and most of all–very professional. congrats on being such a pro, reading-this-smoker.

  6. E’rbody nos that smoking rocks ass! Just like the cartoons say. Shitgarettes only make rich folk richer, and smoke folk jonesers. As a trusty t-rex j-hill told me once “quit the butts, rhye.” They don’t take you anywhere but back to the store for more. I like cartin ’em behind das ear, ever skepticle when those cops a comin’ near. Grow, blow, ne’er show, I think case flake was speakin’ of the so mo, yo. big kitch, (sans) son

  7. Whittled my two pack a day habit down to nuttin’ in just one short year! I had a little help from MJ, she’s still helpin’ out. That was about 12 years ago. I love you MJ.

    Husky, you type funny.

  8. As a non-smoker, it sucks when you’re trail riding (and before, and after) and you find out all too late that what was just handed to you was rolled by someone who prefers Dutchies.