open letter to big johnny

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dear big john…

i used to have so much respect for you (and by “so much respect” i mean very little respect), but after our recent communication all the respect is gone. when i sent you that message asking “what are your plans for the old pueblo” you responded with nothing. then, when i pressed you further for details you mentioned something about “a lot of school” and your child’s “birthday party”, then you sort of trailed off with a string of “ums” and “yeahs” and i believe i heard something about “haven’t been riding much”.

well john, i’m disappointed in you. and i’m sure the rest of the world, not to mention your family and friends, are disappointed in you as well.

so following i aim to dismantle your arguments individually, a show the world just how much weak-sauce you have been drinking.

argument one: school work.
you claim to be “to busy with studying” to join us in the old pueblo, but i say poopoo. come on john, how hard can law school really be? everyone knows studying is easy, and in most cases, not even required. look at me, i went to college, i even graduated, in four years no less, and i barely even studied. but study if you must, do it in the days leading up to the old pueblo. and don’t worry about missing all that time during the week that is normally reserved for your family, they don’t really like you.

argument two: child’s birthday party.
this is not even true. you claim to be throwing a birthday party for your daughter, but its not even her birthday. and even if it was, its ok to miss it. my dad missed lots of my birthdays, and again, look at me, i turned out fine.

argument three: haven’t been riding much.
jesus christ john, that is the argument of a coward. being fit has very little to do with it. your going to tucson to get drunk with your friends, not to break any records (unless its a record relating to getting drunk with your friends, because then, i am all about it).

so in summation, go to the old pueblo, get drunk, ride some, stop being being a coward.

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About Pineapple

He tried to call himself, "Malibu." But, you know the rules - you don't get to pick your own nickname. The word "pineapple" came to mind. Sorta tropical, spikey & rough, sweet on the inside. And so a nickname was born. "Bike mechanic, poet, sage, former collegiate hockey star. Ok, maybe not a star." (This should really be updated. He works for New Belguim now.) "i am full time bicycle mechanic, and all around nice guy. like to ride bikes, but not very far. like poetry, candle-light dinners, and short walks on the beach. i don't like getting hassled, and i don't like capitalization." Fort Collins, Colorado, USA

19 Replies to “open letter to big johnny”

  1. God forbid someone changes direction in life for the betterment of themselves and family. True friends, of which there are few, understand and adapt.

  2. The old pueblo has, to borrow a quote, “jumped the shark” I’ll take my camping and riding without generators and satellite TV thank you very much

  3. I have our text messages on my phone, as you do. What you posted is not quite what I said, but close enough I suppose: Birthday party, school & I haven’t touched a bike in weeks.

    Because this is fun (no it isn’t) I’ll list our laps last year.

    I rode one (1) lap:

    You rode three (3):

    Who ate all the pies, fat boy?

  4. i don’t know if i’d say the pueblo has jumpted the shark… but there are far too many big ass RV’s & generators. The fact that you have to get there Thurs night to get a decent spot is rediculous. I know that Todd has been trying to get the camping orgainzed into separate Tent / RV areas for the last couple years but there is only so much you can do to control where everyone parks. for the most part, everyone is pretty considerate. all i require is a spot to park my truck and tarps to sleep under when the weather turns.

    let’s just keep our fingers crossed for good weather this year!

  5. a 3 and a half hour and an 8 hour lap, huh? thats amazing, im not even sure how i did that. i knew i was slow, but that is awesome.

  6. And how in the hell am I supposed to best you? I can’t drink half as much as you can. I can’t smoke half as much as you can. And I can’t ride half as slow as you can…

    I’m fucked.

  7. I’ll cover the beer you can’t drink, and i will be going slow enough for all of us…you might be out of excuses.

  8. “people…people who need people”

    …awww, ain’t this just comin’ together all fine & dandy w/ all this cooperation…

  9. “are the luckiest people in the world”

    …damn…the event hasn’t even happened yet but w/ so many helpful friends jumping in to cover all the bases, already the headline reads::: “big jonny, excellent father, budding lawyer, kick-ass bike racer, world class imbiber & all round good guy conquers any & all obstacles at ’09 old pueblo”

    …jeez, pineapple…ya thought ya were stirring up a hornets nest of juan grande’s personal emotions & instead it turned into a big group hug…

    …this is world class shit…

  10. Hey Pineapple, you know-nothing douchbag:

    I’ll survive Old Pueblo before you survive law school. You mindless trailer trash fuck. Big Jonny showed more balls just being born than you ever did riding a bike. And now that he’s busting his ass surviving law school, he’s elevated himself well beyond your comprehension.

    Keep at it, Jonny. Don’t let the world of blind ass wipes (read: Pineapple) distract you. Put your head down, study your ass off, kiss your wife and kid when you can. Save the World.

  11. That’s perfect Pineapple those are my excuses for going too…well except the school part…and the b-day party…but the family hates me anyway…they are better off with dad drunk in the dessert, ridin’ himself silly…Get your arss down there Johnny…I’ll have a beer waiting for you and the crew! At least come and heckle us from the side…You can bring your books and study while sippn’ some stout!

  12. I should put forth the effort to defend out dear Pineapple before he is torn to pieces.

    Or, concurrent to him being torn to pieces.

    Or, whatever.

    He is a friend and, as such, has earned the right to make fun of me just about any time he wants to. Which, basically, is all of the time.

    There really is a birthday party, my eldest daughter is turning three. And, I really won’t be attending the Old Pueblo.

    That said, fuck you Pineapple. I’ll see you in hell.