Unique Opportunity for Unemployed Dirtbag

Where was this before I went to law school?

My Problem: I share a 2-bedroom apartment with a slovenly, inconsiderate, self-righteous guy. His repulsive girlfriend comes over for semi-nude couch groping, and they both emit a foul hippie stink. I want to chew my own arm off and beat them with it. I’m itching for some payback.
Where you come in: I need a phony boyfriend to lounge on our couch, swill beer, scratch and belch, openly grope me in a shocking fashion, and then have loud, keep-him-up-all-night-while-he-struggles-in-vain to-go-to-sleep sex with me (weeknights after 10 are preferable). And if you could find it in your heart to spend the night so that the next morning he’d see you wearing boxers and rooting through the fridge I’d be extra grateful, although this is not required. I’m also open to screaming “couple fights”, and you hitting on his girlfriend and/or him.
Me: 24, attractive, 5’8″, athletic body, red hair, brown eyes, a hellcat in bed
You: Between 21 and 27, Attractive enough that he’ll buy it, preferably tall and muscular/athletic, hopefully also fun in bed
Compensation: I’m afraid the extra loud sex will have to be enough as I can’t afford to pay you (no s&m, role-playing, etc., just plain old sport fucking). I supply the beer and condoms.
Location: Williamsburg
Stipulations: Must be available weeknights and once or twice on the weekends (I’m hoping you can come over at least 3 times in the next 2-3 weeks), must not be allergic to cats, must NOT become his new best friend and stab me in the back
Contact Info: Please send me a photo and a brief note. References are not required. Serious inquiries only please.
Source: craigslist.org