(sigh)….. i have a teenage daughter.

so when did i start caring? when did i, an irresponsible take-life-as-it comes hedonist, actually get worked up over something i couldn’t control? maybe it was when i first quit work and stayed home with my infant daughter. maybe it was when i realized that this precocious little human and i had a vulcan like mind-meld — that we could read each others thoughts. maybe it was when i realized what potential she has…or how beautiful she is…


honestly it was probably when the boob fairy showed up at my house last year and in short order my daughter had breasts, a cell phone, eye make-up, and was texting the growing stream of boy-traffic that digitally transgresses on the pure innocence of my first born.


or maybe it was a week ago when i was at dinner with my wife when she told me that some boy named drew was teasingly upset with my daughters new perfume choice because she had ‘lost her smell’

not a lot gets me instantly pissed but that really took me by surprise. after complaining to a buddy of mine, who was trying to insinuate that my daughter might actually be hot, i decided to rant here in the hopes that i would find a sympathetic ear.

but i don’t really expect to. i don’t really expect to have sympathy from a bunch of irresponsible hormone-driven idiots. why? because i understand that mindset oh toooo well.

and therein lies my problem….

as my regular beer drinking buddy bill says…(he has two boys) ‘dude… i only have to worry about two dicks in town. you have to worry about ALL of them.”

yes i do. and how.

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About Marty

Phoenix, Arizona, USA

18 thoughts on “(sigh)….. i have a teenage daughter.

  1. M.

    If you’re gonna refer to me as your “regular drinking buddy” we better start doing some more drinkin soon… Or at least connect up for that commute.

  2. sympathetic father of a 15 year old blond daughter who has been blessed with legs longer than any of our family ever had, and boobs that don’t seem to want to stop growing yet, so there are others out here also! I find my old broken hockey sticks in the entryway keep the boys wondering how crazy I might actually be! Peace

  3. Mine is nine right now. She lives with her mom and step dad. He and I have a deal. He is an ex-navy SEAL, and I live in the desert and have a few shovels. I sort of feel sorry for the first bastard to try and date my little girl.

    Wanna scare ’em? Laser pointers in the movie theater, especially after he picks her up with you cleaning the guns on the kitchen table. She’ll be home before the sun goes down.

  4. I’m waiting to hear from Jonny.

    I had this discussion with a few of my students recently. (All are adults.) and I was trying to convey that I might rather have boys, because… Well I know how boys raise hell and cause all sorts of trouble. BUT I also know how boys can be with girls and I sure as shit wouldn’t want to deal with that.

    I might, i might not have to… but I’m taking notes on all the most effective methods for deterrence as well as amassing an arsenal of tools to show her SHE is the boss.

    I have no idea, and the thought of having a daughter ever scares the bejeezuz outta me.

  5. Mine’s 18. Boys have not been a problem. The kid has had good parenting from Day One, or at least the best that my wife and I could give.

    She’s never really been a girly-girl. Likes the same kind of music I grew up with (go figure) and has neveer been a dsciplinary problem at all, either in home or school.

    True, she’s a bit of a smartass. I blame myself. Partly do the her having been a target of bullying in elementary school. Got tired of seeing her coming home in tears, so I taught her some verbal judo. You know, the quick comeback, the one liner and like that. The student has become the teacher. And she has always had my warped and sardonic view of life. We could debate nature/nurture all day long I suppose. Suffice to say that I see myself inher rough edges, and her mother in her many good qualities. That’s life, I reckon.

    Boys? The kid couldn’t care less. Recognizes the local crop for the losers that they are. She’s hellbent on making it through college and building a career. When she does fall I expect it will register in the Richter scale.

    For the past couple years her only male friend has been a kid from her school who is gay. I’m fine with that; he’s been a staunch and loyal friend to her, and vice versa. And you won’t find a nicer kid. We’ve practically adopted him. You should see the two of them hanging out at the house. Reminds you of some old married couple. But like I said, when she falls…

  6. This is why, no kids for me. Nope. No sir. If an “accident” does happen though, well, as a few others have been saying, this is what the gun collection is for.

  7. What bunch of hypocrites; look just slightly to your right, all those girls are some guy’s daughter and yours are fare game as well. Happy hunting boys, Prom Night is just few months away.

  8. I don’t feel your pain Marty, but I hear you man. I’ve got a boy going on 2 years now. I already know it will be a bit easier, but it all seems to be hard fought rewards in Parent-land. Luck and peace and plenty of beer be with you.

  9. It’s not about ‘fair game’ really… those of us who were raised to respect women know that… as well as we all know that boys can be manipulative shitheels. (Don’t get me started on how evil gorls can be… )

    the point is, try to instill on your own offspring to be beter than YOU were ‘back in the day’ otherwiise we all end up with generations of G.W. Bush’s under our heels… and who wants THAT really…?

    (Aside from KG i mean.?)

  10. I have a 21yr old daughter. I won’t lie to you either. The teenage years were hard. We made it through them and she turned out fine.
    Just take a deep breath and hold on.