What I drive past every day, redux

I was going to post this as an update to my “What I drive past every day” piece from yesterday. But, it got long enough (and with a video embed) that I figured it was time to call ’em up to the majors. Welcome to the Big Show. Don’t stare at the lights. And remember to wave to the crowd. They’re the reason we’re here.

I may not have been clear in what I wrote yesterday, so I wanted to clarify – I was not suggesting it is a left v. right political issue. Only that both sides of this particular street leading up to the corner I turn at every day is saturated with this madness. And, one side has all white cars while the other is unfailingly black. It’s just weird. I should take a photo one morning as the light gleams off these monster automobiles. I feel like I’m driving through an auto-mall.

The stickers are all for McCain. This is Arizona. 90% of what I’ve seen on cars (and used to see staked out in front lawns) was McCain-Palin. Or, in some cases, McCain-MILF. Which just freaks me out. About as much as this video:

Damn turkey never knew what hit ‘em.

And, remember, when shoving turkeys into a metal funnel so you can remove their heads and let ’em shake out their last moments on this planet without getting your shirt dirty, former GOP vice-presidential candidates choose to wear Burberry.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

76 thoughts on “What I drive past every day, redux

  1. …i think the guy in the background was getting rid of “past relationships”…

    …& ms palin ???…well i’ll just bet she’s glad ta be back ta where there’s some animal killin’ goin’ on…

    “mmm, you betcha”

  2. I’m in favor of people being shocked into awareness of how food gets to their table. Mindlessness is a necessary condition for things like the Palin phenomenon to take root and flourish to the extent that it did.

  3. Sorry, I couldn’t even watch due to the sound of her stupid, stupid voice. I’m glad she’s gone, and don’t want to see her again.

  4. Unfortunately I don’t think we have seen the last of her for a while, just read somewhere earlier that there are a lot of people lining up to get her for talk shows, books, movies (fucking movies???) etc.
    Oprah was on the list.

    All other issues aside, she really does annoy me too.

    Burberry scarf probably came from Saks, one of the “missing” clothing items. I know, that is totally unfounded, but in my mind, real Alaskans don’t wear Burberry.

  5. Video makes want to thaw that turkey in the freezer right now and start brining it for the smoker.

  6. “I’m in favor of people being shocked into awareness of how food gets to their table. Mindlessness is a necessary condition for things like the Palin phenomenon to take root and flourish to the extent that it did.”

    Right on John! Is it possible that Palin, by letting this vid out, is actually helping western culture? Or was she just buying a turkey?

    John (the spare one)

  7. She was punked. That guy killing the turkeys is looking at the camera, thinking “Really? I just killed a turkey on Turkey Pardoning Day? Can I get away with another? Crazy bitch made Alaska look bad…”

    Don’t know if I’ll be smoking a turkey, but I’ll certainly be trying to win the pie contest… I need to go hunting…

  8. ‘it’s nice to get out and participate in something that isn’t so heavy-handed political that invites criticism’..

    regardless of the fact that you’re standing in front of a guy whose job it is to shove a turkeys head through a metal funnel and cut off its head so it bleeds out without making a mess, and does so twice in the background while you’re giving the interview….

  9. ColonelSanders, you can have her, she’s in charge of the turkey, maybe yours too. To think that a large number of people really thought she could be Vice President of the USA. Good post jonny, but please no more of this (unless it’s the porn video )

  10. What, numbnuts? You thought turkeys grow on trees or come from a nice antiseptic turkey factory or some shit? If you are “shocked” by this video it’s because you are STUPID!

    Things have to die so other things can live. If you’re that damned clueless about it, tough shit if the video grosses you out. Ever catch a fish, clean it, scale it and flip it rght into the skillet? Mmmm, good. Ever shoot a rabbit on Saturday and have it for Sunday dinner? No? Then you don’t know what you’re missing. Ever harvest a moose? Me neither, I’m outside their habitat by about a thousand miles. But I’ve cut up plenty of deer. I also humbly believe I’ve a clearer understanding of my place in nature, and indeed a deeper reverence for life.

    My extended family are farmers. I’ve been lucky in seeing how work and sustenance are so directly connected. It’s something that’s missing in what passes for education these days. Some hack with a video camera-So what? Bet he thinks food comes from gub’mint checks that come in the mail.


  11. Dave,
    Quit taking yourself so seriously. There are a bunch of people in the world who choose not to pay attention to where their food comes from, and I doubt there is a political bias to it. What is funny about the video is that none of her handlers realized that it is was a stupendously bad idea to have her stand in front of the slaughter machine. Even when people know where their food comes from, most people don’t want to be reminded of the bloody reality of it. I found the video hilarious. Beyond that, I think we actually agree on some things outside of the political spectrum. Growing up poor, on a ranch, and having to slaughter animals for dinner, did give me an appreciation for the order of things and an appreciation for animal life, but didn’t turn me conservative. People can have that experience and see through the rouse that is Palin.

  12. Oh, a’right. Gotcha.

    Well, for what it’s worth I don’t see no ruse. Governer Palin is the real deal, and if the so-called “journalists” who were in the tank for Barack Hussein Obama had a shred of integrity, more people would know it. That gal can pretty much write her own ticket. But if it were me I’d go back to Wasilla and grow fat and happy because who needs the grief. Obviously I’m not her, thank God.

    Having said that, I could give a flying fuck about party affiliation. Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, et al were largely responsible for our current mess. The Annointed One hmself helped put us where we are.This is evidenced by the spike in stocks after his announcement that he wouldn’t raise taxes, at least for awhile. But hey-Party, shmarty, I could really care.

    Bottom line? Your boy, pal to unrepentant terrorists has about two years to get things squared away. If he fails he can kiss the Democratic majority buh-bye. The grownups will probably take over in 2012.

    Or maybe not. People (mostly on The Left) are saying this is the worst the economy has been since the Great Depression. Well Jimmy Carter was worse than what we are experiencing right now. Hopefully B. Hussein Obamahas learned something from history. Our 40th president, Ronald Wilson Reagant marginal tax rates. Jobs were created. Revenue increased. Eventually the Soviet Union toppled.

    Anyway, we are in for some interesting times. If The Annointed One can get us through it, fine by me. We shall see.

  13. grow’n and think’s and do’n and be’n

    the real deal?

    I just can’t believe how myopic this woman is. She still has nothing to say at all… Great we all wanted to have a beer with a dumbass president. now we want to fuck a dumbass Gov.

    Hey Sara, does that dude still have to marry your daughter?

    what a dumbass

    can you call a chick a dumbass?

  14. …it’s written all over yer, ah, writing…as a matter of fact…

    …just pointin’ out the obvious…

  15. You’re a turd, dave, and an ignorant turd at that.

    The current economic situation is far worse right now that during the carter years, and if you were paying attention at all back then (I was) you would know that carter inherited a mess left over from nixon/ford.

    The reagan years were no better. You can quote stats about job creation, but that economy was entirely based on the government propping up the defense industry, as evidence you only need to look at the crash of october ’87. And you people keep saying the neocons want to allow the free markets to work. If that’s the case then why did reagan bankrupt us by spending the treasury dry on big business? Why do the bushies want to hand over treasury dollars unfettered to the financial industry?

    And as far as finger pointing at the dems, our current situation was initiated when the neocons had both houses and the white house, so spare us your neocon pabulum about a few committee meetings a year ago where the dems took a ‘wait and see’ attitude to see if your greedy pals were right.

    We know now, don’t we dave.

  16. ola el gee-nomie,

    saw your smug ass walk into pay n take tonight and purchase a six pack o beer. damn, you are short and bespeckled. gee-nomie – you ain’t no local so stop frontin’ like one. spore. your ticket into dis town was KR and she dumped your ass eons ago. go back to pheenix. JM and his voodoo skillz sold their shit out to you for what? i’m sure you went to the danzig-less misfits tonight.

    team mutant.

  17. …fuck, senor elgruppomutanto…you calling gnomer out fer bein’ all smug & shit is hilarious…you got attitudo enfermedad, amigo…

    …jeezus h krist, what are you, like fifteen w/ this shit ???…

    …& why do i give a fuck enough to have gnome’s back ???…cuz instead of letting this shit die on the vine while juan grande works on life, el gee-nomie has the heuvos to pick up the slack…

    …hey…you ever come out to nor-cal, get in touch w/ jonny & i’ll let ‘im give my address…i’ll buy ya a beer…i wanna be lookin’ ya in the eye when ya say “fuck you” or “cheers”

    …then i’ll let ya see how the locals around here accept interlopers like me…

  18. if she stays in the media eye and keeps running on like she does. this dumb @#^t is going to fracture the GOP.

    can you imagine what it will be like to sit there and listen to her hogwash as the ghost writer of this new book?

  19. “anointed one”? funny isn’t that what Palin thought she was supposed to be. I mean McCain knocking on her door was divine intervention wasn’t it?

    I was thinking: why is it that ball players never point to God after they strike out or drop a TD pass? They only point to the sky when they complete a pass.

    Ever notice that this woman can’t describe herself and what she believes to be her abilities with out creating a villain to compare herself too? ” I can’t tell you what I am but he sucks” “therefore I am better”

    Dear Sarah. God would think it peachy if you could conjugate a verb and get you tenses straight. Speak in complete sentences and complete words. Her language skills alone demonstrate an incomplete thought process. There is not a reasoning bone in her body.

    she is the real deal indeed my friend

  20. team mutant,
    How many Mutants does it take to type a comment?
    None. Mutants can’t type.
    Ha ha, ho, I kill me. Mutants can’t type. Oh, my sides hurt. Don’t hit me.

    Hey, one question: Didn’t el gnome-o go to NAU back in the early nineties? Didn’t he finish second in the collegiate national mtb cross county in an NAU jersey back then too? I think he was in Flagstaff at least a dozen years ago (if not 15). Does that make his parents (or whomever paid his tuition) his “ticket” to Flagstaff? All respect to KR, but what does that have to do with anything? I’m not even 100% sure I know who KR is. I think I do, but I may be mistaken. After hanging ’round Short Stack for the last decade of my life, I cannot begin to list his “companions” in anything close to a sequential order. I don’t care to try. And, it’s just none of my damn business.

    Does that make my parents my “ticket” to Flagstaff? If so, I’m comfortable with that. When I moved to Flagstaff in 1990 I didn’t have to nickels to rub together. Hell, I still don’t.

    That said I’m fine not being a “local” of anywhere. I moved out of the town I grew up in as soon as I was able to. I’ve never looked back. I don’t feel the need to indentify myself with any particular town, city, neighborhood or borough. Flagstaff, Tucson, Tempe, Phoenix, whatever. I’m fine with “Arizona” or “southwest.”

  21. When the fuck did DC become an-Oprah-esque bitch-fest more concerned with what the other shithead thinks?

    Fuck me… Im not coming back to DC for a good while.

    And Gnomie… Boo-fucking-Hoo… If this guy warranted nothing, then give him/her/them just that. Fuck those guys, or break a bottle of three. As they say… put up or shut up. Kick ass and Just wear your maxi pads somewhere else.

    Jesus… can we get back to fucking bikes eventually …? Fucking shite.

  22. i bet this mutanto turd is good at picking out us smog laden valleyfidels when we’re up Flag way. i would like to challenge mutanto to call me out after recognizing me as a phx’er next time i’m sitting at the pay’n take enjoying a beer. i bet he’s so good he see’s me coming before i pass San Dominique.

  23. I found this interesting article that may relate to the subject…

    Big-mutant-little-pond effect (BMLPE) is a term introduced by Herbert W. Douche which hypothesizes that the self-concept of mutants is negatively correlated with the ability of their peers in riding: Thus, mutant self-concepts depend not only on one’s cycling accomplishments but also the accomplishments of the trails that a mutant rides.

    An implication of this effect is that low- or medium-ability mutants might prefer to ride a low-ability trail instead of a high-ability trail, as this would be better for their self-concept. These mutants can receive additional motivation from low- or medium-ability mutants on their trail because their own achievements appear more significant. They feel more honored and may be motivated to keep their edge over the other mutants. This is especially true for mutants with a lack of self-confidence. Some parents send their mutants, with the explicit recommendation of doushbags, to trails that are known for requiring a moderate level of riding skills.

    An opposite effect is the reflected glory effect (or assimilation effect), which describes the stimulation a gnome may receive from singlespeeding a trail which requires a high level of riding skill.

    ok this sounds more like sandbagging after I read it??? disregard…

    Scooby… see you boys on the flight.

  24. Yeah, fuck you Gnome. Im a local, and extraordinarily proud of the fact that Ive never done shit with my life. In fact, I’m such a local that I still live at my mom’s house. I’m never leaving Flagstaff, cause the worlds, like, much too scary.

  25. dear moist butt-pirata,

    whenever one brings in the cliche ‘small penis defense’, it’s over. i know da local boys here have nailed every square inch of snatch you and your transplants so covet. we even sneak our way in with your ladies too. ha. ha. flag locals without doubt have the high altitiude advantage. before pay n take, before fbc and beaver st, there was the original joe’s place, and always the monte v. and one cannot forget the epic episodes which transpired on the Alpine Pizza porch (and hinterlands too).

    Viva mutantos; tequila tonight, tomorrow we ride. you know where and at what time. dem transplats boys still can’t figure where locals’ trails are.

  26. “dear moist butt-pirata,
    whenever one brings in the cliche ’small penis defense’, it’s over.”

    Dear Mr. Mutanto-

    I’m trying to follow your line of reasoning here… if you then bring in the ‘moist butt’ foil, what is ‘it’ then?


    The level of rhetoric in here would be mind-numbing if it wasn’t so amusing.

    Logically yours,


  27. if you’d ever understand the climate of this slice o four corners, then you’d surely know that ‘moist’ is the utmost term of endearment and respect. without moist wishes, super salve, carmex, etc is needed. yes, many of you are uncomfortable with the pronunciation of the term moist. but for true locals, it’s respect.

  28. per elgruppomutanto – “dear moist butt-pirata,

    whenever one brings in the cliche ’small penis defense’, it’s over.”

    Yeah, the dick size stuff is hackneyed, but its like fishing with worms–low class but likely to catch something. Couldn’t resist.

    As for the moist-butt, well, heh, actually that is pretty much dead on accurate. Just got in from a little ride and the crack is not exactly arid.

    As for my transplant status, it has long ago transplanted away from the AZ scene, so if the locals are nailing my ladies, they are some industrious MFers and probably deserve it for the effort.

    What is the High Altitude Advantage? I hope it is not like the super dudism you find in places like Aspen, Breckenridge etc?

    Moistly yours, pirata

  29. Seriously jackoff, why didn’t you just man up and say Hi to the Garden Gnome, and buy him a beer, or at least make an effort to be less than a fucking dickwad. Maybe the reason you were all up in pay n take, sitting in a corner, by yourself, watching each and every soul that passed into the hallowed drinking quarters, was because you have no fucking social skills.

    I am the first to admit I am no native, I am from Michigan, and spent many a winter in PHX, training my ass off to be a good cylcist, and have fucking sweat, suffered and left in on the roads with Gnome, Snake, Hammy, and the like.

    From my experience in training with the Gnome, and living briefly with Big Johnny back in the R.J. Rooks can climb like a motherfucker days, I know this, Herbold is solid, good people. As is Johnny… So quit being a little fucking whinny bitch and just say ” Hey man, whats up?” You would be amazed what that can do for the little, fragmented, righteous, amazing, badass, multifaceted, cycling community we all have the opportunity to be part of…

  30. You should check out THIS Podunk little shithole (Hancock, MD) for freakin’ localism. The Mrs. and I have been here for 27 years. We’ve been paying a mortgage on the same house for 15 years. Our daughter (now 18) has known no other hometown. And STILL we are outsiders*.

    *Not that I give a fuck.

  31. FYI man from the mitten:

    who was sitting in a corner by him/her self? what the fuck are you even talking about? you speak as if you know us? the dynamics at work in our little corner of the universe are multifaceted and you have no idea (let alone most on this site) what’s going on.

  32. So you are saying there’s top-secret mutant mountain bikers in Flagstaff? Shit man, when I move there, I bringing my gun for sure.

  33. …and I thought I lived in a cute little hick town. Can’t find me specs, is this DC or DWanker?

  34. …elgruppomutanto…

    …lemme say it again…“jeezus h krist, what are you, like fifteen w/ this shit ???

    …you are defending a position of idiocy…

  35. a position of idiocy? defending what? there’s nothing being ‘defended’ here and nothing that needs defending. what else do you have besides the 3 usual suspect rebuttals:
    1) you’re gay.
    2) your dick is small.
    3) you’re young and immature.

    hit us with something substantive and quit the shallow dismissals. locals are for real. that simply cannot be argued or defending. at least it’s snowing on the peaks. perhaps such a fortuitous event can shift the discussion around here. and yahoo for you, at least you can go sledding now. i hear hart prarie is going off right now. just don’t forget the chains.

  36. elguppo… Pot. Kettle. Black.

    Jeez. Flagstaff was on my list of places to consider when I’m done getting my PhD. If you are representative of the cycling community I might pass. Do you beat people up when they get close to your wave? I deal with too many ass-holes in my life as it is. Way to represent.

  37. I think if you get caught riding a local trail at the wrong time (Local’s time) you get punched in the face and they stomp your spokes out.

    Or worse yet, they pull down your lycra shorts and all laugh at your small dick, call you a homo etc.

    May be a bit off on this, more like a wild guess.

    Or the ultimate horror, you move into town and they sell you a wicked overpriced piece of property.

  38. …el gusano…

    …you are myopic…get help but do it local…the real world beyond yer door will be scary for you…

    …& as regards your little finger pointing fantasy: “what else do you have besides the 3 usual suspect rebuttals:
    1) you’re gay.
    2) your dick is small.
    3) you’re young and immature.”

    …dude, if the shoe fits, be my guest, wear it…

  39. pirata @59: Oh the humanity, a local might BENEFIT from someone moving new coming to town….

    spore @60: Kid deserved it. That was an etiquette issue, not a local v. interlopers issue.

  40. “…dude, if the shoe fits, be my guest, wear it…”

    …clearly you thought deeply about this…way to articulate.

  41. so easy to hate, so hard to contemplate. i am so sick and tired of people who say they “hate the grateful dead”. have you really listened to the band? have you seen the band? i admit, i am an equal fan of early suicidal, dead kennedys and milkmen, SOD, blackflag, misfits, badbrains, etc. but come on, how can anyone HATE the dead? i knew when my buddy posted this it would elicit the typical “hate that band response”. but seriously, do you hate “dead heads” or the band? two different things. with all do respect BJ, do you really hate a band that did so much and you know so little about? generic. you couldn’t be a black-sock-wearing cyclist, angst-ridden neoliberal and admit to liking the good olde GD. and to hate a band more than “anything”..what about liver and onions; genital warts; flat tires; texans; phoenicians (sorry); downhillers; born again republicans???? whatever. hate sucks, no matter to what or whom it is directed.

  42. Yeah, hate’s not cool. And music shouldn’t be described in absolute terms–it’s a matter of taste. When I contemplate the Dead’s music, I think of words like woefully tedious, wandering, dissonant, aimless, pained, flaccid, uninteresting, beat-less and grueling–the aesthetic equivalent to a feast of cold stale toast, a star-studded migraine headache, the nagging discomfort of low-level tooth pain, or time spent in Phoenix. Worse even than this:

  43. el jefe, per #63: “pirata @59: Oh the humanity, a local might BENEFIT from someone moving new coming to town….”

    Said tongue in cheek. I can’t honestly mean that without being the ultimate hypocrite as I have been the beneficiary of inflated real estate sales, and I didn’t put a gun to anyone’s head. If someone is willing to pay the asking price (or overbid on it), then so be it…that is their choice. Very rarely do you move to an area without a choice, so dealing with real estate and other prices is usually part of the decision.

  44. the Dead were/are completely awesome, though I thought they peaked in the mid-70s. Bill Graham his own bad self sold me my ticket and wished me a good time in Eugene OR in, uh, 1978 or so, and I fucking did. Hitchhiked all night back to Seattle, went straight to work. And I liked it. You talk about American music, the Dead stands up.



  45. Yes, tay, it’s a matter of choice. you chose some choice words to describe your dislike (read hate) but again, all boils down to a matter of taste. would you prefer some soul (ass) cracker circa 1994?

  46. Never listened to much Dead when I was coming up. Mostly a factor of so much great stuff to listen to and so few hours in the day. But what I heard I mostly liked.

    Deadheads, otoh-Can’t say I hated ’em; sure couldn’t understand why all the hubbub. Best I can figure it was 90% about the community (and the drugs); 10% about the music. There did seem to be a pretty strong “live and let live” vibe to the whole thing though. Got to say I can’t argue with that.

  47. pirata @ #71: Understood. I was pointing out the hypocrisy as well. In Austin there are tons of “locals” who complain about all the people moving in over the past decade and changing the city. You don’t hear too many of them complain about their property values going up unless their paying their tax bill. They are all REAL happy come sale time, but I guess if you were here during “Slacker” you get to complain…