Link Dumpster

Yeah, it’s Sunday. Time to get out my shovel and dig through this pile of emails I’ve been ignoring.

Authorities in Grant County say a 48-year-old Woodinville man nearly drowned after he deliberately drove his Humvee into the Columbia River near Quincy.

Undersheriff John Turley says Merle C. Sorenson told deputies he “was not thinking” and drove into the water at a boat launch to see how far the vehicle could go and still back out.
Read the rest: www.katu.com

Stories like that make me feel good inside. You know how I clean the tires on my 1996 Oldsmobile?

I don’t clean the tires on my 1996 Oldsmobile.

Hummer = Fail.

From: Aaron
Seriously. You can have the world series. . . just don’t leave the city.

You know what the difference between a Philly fan and a Raiders fan like you, Aaron? We don’t dress up like a world wide wrestling federation homo on Sunday.

Not that there is anything wrong with that… I’m just saying.

From: Big Jonny’s Mom
Just a reminder

Ladies & Gentlemen: My mother has spoken.

From: uglyyeti
“I done seen ’bout everything, when I seen an elephant fly…”

Ugly Yeti? Is there any other kind?

From: Graeme
Just got this in an email…

Scottish Romance
Who said Scots Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in beer, cigarettes, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82 .

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life’s beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton’s Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who’s not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

Man. I gotta move outta this Phoenix bullshit. Too many trim chicks. I might get all kinds of crazy. I need to live on some rain soaked rock in the north Atlantic so I know what I’m missing.

Whatever.

From: Chris
scroll over stuff and click and make sure your sound is on
www.palinaspresident.us

Dude. I need a hug.

From: Latin J
…stumbled across this one today – made my fucking day….

Mudhoney – Touch Me I’m Sick! Live in Madrid, July 12, 2007

Too bad it clocks at a mere :42 seconds. I need me a lot more Mudhoney that than. Gimme like a minute and half or some shit at least!

This one’s got some meat on her:

Mudhoney: Touch Me I’m Sick – live in Rome [20-05-2006]

Ok, I’m done. Fuck all.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

10 thoughts on “Link Dumpster

  1. Actually, no. Why the fuck did they pull it out? Woulda been fun to see how long it took him to undo his safety belt as his head went under water.

  2. ‘Ugly Yeti? Is there any other kind?’

    Mine leans towards the ‘more ugly’ end of the Yeti spectrum – it’s a solid orange (custom ugly) ’93 steel Pro FRO with a blue/purple fade Pepperoni fork.

  3. Re: Top pic.Do you know.Do you even know?You don’t know.Signed, Not A Loser from Philly.WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS

  4. …driving late last night i saw my first ‘<b>republicans for obama</b>’ bumper sticker…

    …almost accidentally drove into the back end of the damn fancy ass clk 55 merc that was sporting it because i was digging on the sentiment..

  5. I haven’t watched the movie Singles in a while – does the Mudhoney tune have any link to Citizen Dick’s ‘Touch Me, I’m Dick’?

  6. Yeah..something similar to the Hummer thing happened around here this summer…only it was a BMW SUV and the dude said he was literally trying to clean his tires/rims.  Fucker slid right in, and since he did it at night, the fire dept found it relatively easily cuz the headlights stayed on.  We need more of these people around…they are what make life fun.

  7. just so happens i’ve got a spare hummer.  i’d be happy to give it to you mr. sommers.  it does however need its tires cleaned.