King Kong Hong Kong and more

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More in from our Far East correspondent Response.

From: Response
Subject: fuck dc (big jon)
Well,
I rewrote this, because it turned into an “I hate fucking arab motherfuckers” rant…
Apparently Malaysia is Muslim, and now that the rabs are making too much money, the place is flooded with them. The rabs seem to relish looking down at their less fortunate Malaysian muslim brothers (not that the malaysians are much better) The rabs are in general, rude, stinky, arrogant and just plain fucked. To see them herd their women around with the woman’s face covered throws me into a frenzy. Every time I see a woman struggling just to eat or drink around her face shroud makes me want to stomp some ass. Old Georgy boy is over there suckin’ rab cock, telling those fucks that we (Americans) “Understand and respect” their culture. He does not speak for me. I would love to see oil become worthless so all of those bloated fucks can go back to eating camel shit and butt fucking each other in obscurity.

That said….

Langkawi, the Jewel of Kedah
My 1st experience in Malaysia is a little island of Langkawi.
Have you ever got on a plane and seen someone from the middle-east decked out like some 911 suspect? Kind of freaky! Now imagine being on a plane FULL of those characters. Ugh. You can imagine that I was anxious to hit the ground and find a bicycle so I could do what I do best, get lost, get pissed (drunk) and find adventure.
I got to my hotel, no bikes to be had. The concierge lined me up with a shady looking kid with a goatee and various ragged scars on his face and neck, who drove me to a rental shop. The rental guy seemed mystified why I would want to rent a bicycle. “No Car? How ‘bout scooter?”. I looked at the road weary brace of scooters lined up. Every one of them had been laid down, hard. “No thanks just a bicycle please”. He hooked me up with a newish Giant mountain bike with loose spokes, loose shifters, loose brakes, and tight headset. I think it cost $2.00 for the 24 hour rental. I asked about helmet laws, my friend was unsure. He said it might be 300 ringgits ($100) fine for riding without a helmet? He handed me a clapped out motorcycle helmet compete with massive grind marks, nasty stink and fresh spray paint. I put it on and threw a leg over.

The weather was overcast, humid and hot. The roads were two lanes wide, and of course drive on the left. The wet asphalt lead into the jungle which provided some wonderful shade. Jagged green peaks on my right were sometimes viable through the dense foliage. Someone told me that this island was older than Malaysia proper, as a matter of a fact it was older than 500 million years! The road wound gentle through the jungle. I stopped and checked out a wounded scorpion. A magnificent blue back creature nearly 5 inches in length, (without stretching the tail) gimping across the road. Also, there were monkeys. All kinds of monkeys. They were brazen and curious. I suppose they were used to getting fed by people in cars. A bigger male ran along beside me. I picked up the pace; my chaser gracefully sprinted ahead of me, crossed in front of my front wheel and then jumped into the thick brush. Those fuckers are big and fast! If we did evolve from monkeys, we certainly lost some toughness.

Rain began to drizzle. No Big deal. Well, until it began to rain so hard that the drops hitting the ground were bouncing up and blinding me with their spray. I knew I had become invisible to the traffic and it was time to find shelter. I pulled into a seemingly friendly beach town. A dozen or so shops lined a street that dead ended into a black and white sand beach. I ducked into the nearest shop and smiled at a woman with a shawl covering her head (a lot of women do that here). She did not return my smile; instead she gave me a hard stare. I asked her where I could find a beer. “Not here”, she said and turned her back on me. Puzzled, I went from shop to shop only to get the same response. Finally I ran into a thin old German guy who looked like a pirate. “My name is Wolf”, come and have an Iced Lemon Tea with me.” We walked across the way to his little shop. Wolf handed a ceramic mug full of ice cold beer! He explained that there were no Liquor licenses in the area, and the locals were very apprehensive. Wolf took me out back and showed me “wiper”, I stared hard into the trees and realized that he meant VIPER. A four foot long checkered snake was sleeping in a bush at about waste level. Wolf said that the snakes are pretty docile, but if you disturb them, they will bite and usually leave you dead.

Wolf and I crushed the better part of a case of beer. The rain subsided and the sun peaked out of the clouds. I settled up and wished Wolf the best. I checked my map and glanced at my watch. There was plenty of time to take the long way back. BIG MISTAKE. The gentle jungle road began to widen and traffic picked up as I headed to the city proper. The drive on the left thing was freaky, but these locals pushed things to the limits. Guys on scooters with the throttles nailed down were passing me on both sides as I worked the gutter. Scooters on the sidewalks, scooters going the wrong way, limping scooters that belched smoke that were hard to pass that would catch up with you at the next light. Plus 4 lanes of auto traffic and stop lights that were more of a distraction than a help. There was no falling into a rhythm. Cars were parked in the gutter and had to be passed, taxis and tour busses gave no quarter. Finally when I though I had seen it all, a car
came at me head on, then another. This intersection was bad. It was too late to turn back so I did what I could. I stopped and took a 6 beer piss on a street sign. I then looked at my map hoping for a way out. Hmmmm, with any luck, there was only another hour of this.

Just my luck, I was pelted by big drops of warm rain for the last half hour of my ride back to my hotel. Exhausted, I locked up my rental bike and headed to the bar for a much needed beer. The waitress frowned at me as I drug my nerve wrecked self into the high ceilinged lounge. The waitress didn’t want my soaking wet ass on her upholstery. She found a chair without a pad and sat me next to a guy that looked like Bin Laden, robes and all. I ordered a tall Carlsberg (the Budweiser of the Orient). As I sat there, I began to realize that I was surrounded by Arabs?? Lots of women dressed from head to toe in matching jet black robes that covered their faces. Accompanying them were casually dressed (some in white robes), dark skinned, chubby men with beards wearing shitty looks on their ugly mugs. All of them, just sitting there with glasses of water or nothing at all, not spending a fucking dime. Was I the only person drinking?? The entire scene was 2 notches above uncomfortable. No one smiled, no one made eye contact. Fuck it! I drank and listened the droning bass line of “Left hand Suzuki Method” while I pretended that I was in the bar scene from Star Wars.

Kuala Lumpur, the Capitol City of Malaysia.
All I have to say is fuck that place. It’s crowded, dirty and the traffic sucks ass. I didn’t bother to rent a bike. The cab ride from the airport to my hotel was fucked. People drive like they have balls on their chins. A dick measuring contest to be sure. All of the cars bear the marks of rubbing each other as changing lanes is a mix of cutting people off and hoping for the best. Again, scooters on sidewalks, people running traffic lights and casual homicidal moves. Also, once on foot, it was a constant shake down. Someone always looking at you for something.

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