First I’d like to say I got 2 things for Christmas. Jack and shit.
This would be nice though.
Considering how infuriating the news is, and how much I really want to punch the TV/Monitor/kittens, this would come in handy. Yes it would.
43. Sherri Shepherd
Charges: Perfectly illustrated the Creationist’s level of intellect when she declared her disbelief in evolution, and was immediately stumped about the shape of the earth, explaining her ignorance was due to the fact that she was too busy feeding her children to acquire rudimentary knowledge about… well, about anything, presumably. Further compounded her astonishing lack of basic knowledge when she authoritatively declared that Jesus Christ came before the ancient Greeks, and that she didn’t think “anything predated Christians.” Judging by these statements, Sherri probably thinks there are dragons on the other side of her desk.
Exhibit A: Accurately reflects the intelligence of her viewing audience.
Sentence: Pushed off the edge of the earth.
32. The Founding Fathers
Charges: Lionized as moral pillars and demigods ad nauseum without the slightest hint of irony. Can’t be judged by today’s standards. Electoral College? Dumb fucking idea. Invoked by every asshole in the last two hundred years to support every stupid idea ever. The original liberal elite. Able to withstand lightning strikes and the British military; unable to fathom poor people voting.
Exhibit A: Owned wigs, Africans.
Sentence: Depicted as cartoons on rapidly devaluing currency; beaten at effective democracy by former monarchies.
17. Hillary Clinton
Charges: Began in politics as a teenage Nixon supporter — that’s twisted. Moved on to corporate law, representing Wal-Mart and bravely defending Coca-Cola from disabled employees. Married out of ambition. Failed miserably as the first lady of health care. Has spent whole of senatorial career as a hawk and a panderer. Would have no shot at becoming president if she didn’t just happen to be married to one already.
Exhibit A: Has deftly avoided the flip-flopper label — by never, ever answering a question directly or committing to a position in the first place.
Sentence: Victim of vast right wing conspiracy to shove a brick up her ass.
Read them all, it’s a good laugh aside from the inane jesus-crap some of these people spout. (Seriously… ‘I don’t know if the world is flat???’ WTF?? The holiday shit I just laid in the bowl knows the earth ain’t flat but he isn’t on a tv show spouting off…)
I do hope all you fine readers have a great week, from X-mas of champions to New Years’ Hurlathon. Make every beer count, and drink every shot without a grimace.