Christmas wish list (late edition…)

First I’d like to say I got 2 things for Christmas. Jack and shit.

This would be nice though.

Considering how infuriating the news is, and how much I really want to punch the TV/Monitor/kittens, this would come in handy. Yes it would.

Next up on the list is the snark required and focus demanded of me to come up with shit like this from the 50 most Loathesome People list.:

43. Sherri Shepherd
Charges: Perfectly illustrated the Creationist’s level of intellect when she declared her disbelief in evolution, and was immediately stumped about the shape of the earth, explaining her ignorance was due to the fact that she was too busy feeding her children to acquire rudimentary knowledge about… well, about anything, presumably. Further compounded her astonishing lack of basic knowledge when she authoritatively declared that Jesus Christ came before the ancient Greeks, and that she didn’t think “anything predated Christians.” Judging by these statements, Sherri probably thinks there are dragons on the other side of her desk.

Exhibit A: Accurately reflects the intelligence of her viewing audience.

Sentence: Pushed off the edge of the earth.

32. The Founding Fathers
Charges: Lionized as moral pillars and demigods ad nauseum without the slightest hint of irony. Can’t be judged by today’s standards. Electoral College? Dumb fucking idea. Invoked by every asshole in the last two hundred years to support every stupid idea ever. The original liberal elite. Able to withstand lightning strikes and the British military; unable to fathom poor people voting.

Exhibit A: Owned wigs, Africans.

Sentence: Depicted as cartoons on rapidly devaluing currency; beaten at effective democracy by former monarchies.

17. Hillary Clinton
Charges: Began in politics as a teenage Nixon supporter — that’s twisted. Moved on to corporate law, representing Wal-Mart and bravely defending Coca-Cola from disabled employees. Married out of ambition. Failed miserably as the first lady of health care. Has spent whole of senatorial career as a hawk and a panderer. Would have no shot at becoming president if she didn’t just happen to be married to one already.

Exhibit A: Has deftly avoided the flip-flopper label — by never, ever answering a question directly or committing to a position in the first place.

Sentence: Victim of vast right wing conspiracy to shove a brick up her ass.

Read them all, it’s a good laugh aside from the inane jesus-crap some of these people spout. (Seriously… ‘I don’t know if the world is flat???’ WTF?? The holiday shit I just laid in the bowl knows the earth ain’t flat but he isn’t on a tv show spouting off…)

I do hope all you fine readers have a great week, from X-mas of champions to New Years’ Hurlathon. Make every beer count, and drink every shot without a grimace.

—bikepunk

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About bikepunk

“Cuts, scrapes, bruises… all in a day’s riding. Then it’s off for some good german beer in a local biergarten.” Munich, Germany

8 thoughts on “Christmas wish list (late edition…)

  1. 31. Dana Perino

    Sentence: Sent back in time to ’62; Strapped to bottom of U2 spy plane for extreme history lesson.

    Sweet baby jeeezus! Bwahahaha

  2. This one is great especially since we beat out Bush, Cheney, Pelosi/ reid, Guliani and Eric Prince.
    9. You

    Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

    Exhibit A: You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

    Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

    Brilliant Post. Happy New Year.

  3. A few of my pics:

    30. Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman
    Charges: Shocked a handful of innocents and turned into self-recriminating chum for Sean Hannity with the revelation that a redneck bounty hunter is-gasp!-a racist. Looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Married to a silicon-based life form. When a guy’s own son intentionally destroys his career, you know he’s got to be a singular fuckhead. Played at extraordinary rendition this year; got arrested for trying to physically extradite a Mexican national.

    Exhibit A: “I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine.” Yeah, ’cause not saying “nigger” is just out of the question.

    Sentence: Neutered, dewormed, given to Michael Vick’s buddies for sparring practice.

    26. William Kristol
    Charges: Bears the burlesque Cheshire grin of a sophist born with a large silver spoon jammed sideways in his mouth. A second generation neocon raised in the tradition of Straussian perception management and myth creation, Kristol is basically lying about everything — always — and he knows it. Whether at the helm of Rupert Murdoch’s Weekly Standard, appearing on Murdoch’s Fox News Channel, or co-founding the disastrous Project for a New American Century, Bill is arguably the most egregious media hawk of a generation. Seems to have suffered no ill impact to his career or prestige despite

    10. Alberto Gonzales
    Crimes: The most truckling, amoral flunky to ever serve as Attorney General. A jurisprudent organelle, he manifests no concept of the law independent of its expediency to the president. Would smilingly accuse himself of providing material support to al Qaeda at President Bush’s request, hurriedly plead guilty, sign his own death warrant and flip the switch himself. His testimony before congressional committees is to public service what cholera is to the small intestine. As first Hispanic Attorney General, Gonzo typifies the self-betrayal and ethical compromise necessary for minorities to become successful Republicans. Been felching sweet approval from Bush’s lily-white ass since Texas. A conscienceless, memo-drafting, loophole-crafting liar for hire, pushing for all the worst administration policies, including nixing habeas corpus, denying and then defending rendition, torture, political firings, and a ton of other evil stuff. He even visited a seriously ill and disoriented John Ashcroft at the hospital, attempting to coax him into reauthorizing a clearly illegal wiretapping program. The only Attorney General who ever could have made John Ashcroft a sympathetic character by contrast.

    Exhibit A: “The fact that the Constitution — again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away.”

    Sentence: Death by dull guillotine, head bent by Beckham.

  4. …if elvis had had a screen like that, he might still be alive today…

    …& that list of 50 loathsomes would be humorous if it wasn’t so bloody true…