Race Report from EL Pasoooooo

Howdy all, just thought that I would write in a race report seeing how its been a couple of years since I have done one. People used to say that they were cool to read someones tales from the gutter so here we go.

So Hamfist, Hightower, Dafidile, and yours truely Snake load up the battle wagon and head to El Paso. A real jem let me tell you. So from Tucson to El Paso has to be some of the best parts of the western united states if your looking for jack shit. I tried the method of making the trip a whole lot shorter by going to sleep but that wasnt working. Hightower had decided that it was ok to bring one of his girlfriends along so she wouldnt stop talking to me. Unreal. Im trying to answer in one word answers to get her to shut the hell up but she rambled on and on and on and on…… You get the point. So a few stops for snacks along the way and we made it to the great city of El Paso. Although the next time Dafidile is giving directions from the race map we should just go and find the only traffic jam in El paso at 10:30 at night and sit in it. Fuck I could see our hotel but for some fucked reason that city has to have an traffic problem at 10:30 at night. On to the races……

So after one hell of a good nights sleep, and Hamfist can back me up on this one, The downtown Hilton has the best beds I have slept in ever. We get up to go to the hill climb TT. Hightower drills it for the win over some really good names so it looks like some work is cut out for us in the crit that night. Well turns out that the promoter is going to run the cat 3s with the 1,2s so anything goes. So after 45 minutes of an absolute attack fest we finish up 5th with Hamfist, 12th for Hightower, Dafidile has the sprint of his life to beat me for 21, and Snake gets 22 out of 22. Nice fucking lead out eh??? I dont think we said one word to each other on the drive home from the crit. Hamfist is absolutely pissed at missing the very last move, Hightowers yellow jersey is gone, Dafidile is so tired he falls asleep and Im wondering what the hell just happened. So the last thing we say to each other before the lights get turned out is we better pull a fucking rabbit out of the hat for tomorrow.

Chapter Two…… Heres your fucking rabbit shit dick now give us our prize money so we can go home.

90 mile RR with two 16 min climbs and some rollers on the back side. El Paso in June… Makes for some hot racing. So up and over the first climb and we have dropped off all the dead wood in the middle of it somewhere. Im trying to breath out my gills and Hightower looks like he is happier than a pig and shit. I hate climbing these days. So over the top I give it a go to no avail. It must be because my shit smells like roses or something but this entire year I cannot for the life of me seem to get into a break. But if Hamfist goes everyone just sits there and watches me….. Un-fucking-believ-able…. Like WTF… Hamfist has only won 14 races this year…. Maybe and just maybe you should follow him and not me…… Un-real. So with the rabbit coming out of the hat and going up the road and nobody chasing it looks like we have the win sewn up. But this is where the old snake gets greedy. You see I have been taught in racing by the best. Its not enough to just win. I want to win everything. I want the prize money, I want the pen that writes the checks. Hell I want the cooler that the promoter has, I want his truck, I want the tent that hes got, I want it all. So with Hamfist up the road by a safe margin, Dafidile and I start attacking to soften up the field so our climber/sprinter/tt man/funny fucking story man/ Hightower can kill the field in the sprint. So Dafidile and I start going one two buckle my shoe on the field. Well Hightower said it best. Da

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About Snake

Tucson, Arizona, USA

3 thoughts on “Race Report from EL Pasoooooo

  1. c’mon snake…finish it off. don’t leave me hangin’ like a fat chick on a sober night.

    what the fuck was that? damn.

    was that the best simile I could come up with? oh Ms. Ohman, how far I have fallen.