Right wing, left wing, chicken wing…

This one showed up in my inbox recently. You’ve probably seen something a lot like it before. If you haven’t, well, lucky you. Lets start ’09 out with a bang then, shall we?

Is 8:05 am too early to start drinking?

History 101 (Crash course)
For those that don’t know about history … Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

I’ll go with the unmentioned, but implicitly implied, choice c): Post it on your liberal porn blog.

I own guns, drink cheap imported beer (Tecate out of a can, without a lime), proudly pay my taxes, eat red meat off the grill, drive a domestic automobile and look at porn. I am currently attending law school, I voted for Obama, I think health care should be nationalized, and I think gays should be able to marry each other if they want to.

I found it interesting that both choices a & b include forwarding the email. Way to cover the bases. “Let your next action reveal your true self”, when either option is, in truth, the same action.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

14 thoughts on “Right wing, left wing, chicken wing…

  1. And, in typical Conservative chain email fashion they simplify the truth so much that it is no longer the truth. I can handle a good joke, even when it is aimed at me. What bothers me is the number of Conservatives who will believe this when they receive it.

  2. I am a liberal and like my vermin grilled – I think the conservatives got grilled this last election.

  3. …they forgot to mention that the highest number of “closet fags” are ultra-conservatives through & through…oft times w/ families simply for “show”…
    …(((requisite disclaimer :– not that there is any thing wrong w/ that…the first part at least…the second part is alarmingly hypocritical)))…

    …whereas “liberal fags” righteously stand up to be counted & simply wish for the opportunity to live harmoniously in society…
    …& that’s why we liberals support ‘gay marriage’…

  4. Whoa dudes I guess because its winter time this guy has got to hate. Get out and ride. Quit your bitchin’. It always sounds like conservatives are bitching.

  5. I am a liberal who has been working most every day for the last 35 years. So are most of the other people who actually work for a living. Most conservatives just shuffle paper before they go out and play golf. And loose everybody else’s money in whatever financial disaster they cause this week. I drink beer from my local buddies at the brew pub.

  6. We liberal bloggers have the trump card over the angry conservatives, they’ve fucked up not just the great country of ours, but also the socio-economic fabric and environmental stability of the entire fucking planet, now all they have is revisionist history on their side. We now have complete control of the US government, due entire to their ineptitude an malice. So, when I see such silly, sophomoric attempts at vitriolic humor, I simply lean back in my chair and chuckle, because really, that’s all they have – sophomoric vitriol.

    Back to one of the salient points of the ‘joke’ – it leaves out one very critical point; who made the beer? Well, if the conservatives were busy killing animals, that only leaves us, so who’s laughing now?

    - it takes more stones to eat raw fish than it does to eat bbq beef, so who’s the real man?

    - your average european dark beer has twice the alcohol content of those wimpy mass-produced domestics, not to mention the fact that such incredibly well crafted domestic micro brews such as Flying Dog Gonzo Imperial Porter and Barlywine Ale both have over 10% ABV – who’s the real man?

    - never put fruit in beer, it’s just wrong.

    So, I’ll just sit back and laugh at a man who can’t grow his own food, brew his own beer, and is afraid of drinking anything with more than 3.2% ABV. Such bravado belies the real testicle fortitude of the conservative.

  7. Libs are mostly fucking useless. Get over your pansy selves and deal with it. Life goes on.