Dear sweet little 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus…

This is the story that is going to make me stay so far away from any cycling related forums on the internets, because now for the following, oh, I don’t know, 7 months or so, all we are going to hear from the Lance Fan Boys that have been absent for a few years now is how the old great one is coming out of retirement to ride the Tour. Again… Yawn… Wake me when le Tour de France is over this year, and let me know who won, and if it is Armstrong, gouge my eyeballs out so that I won’t have to see him riding down the Champs once again reveling in his ego maniacal self.

Sure, I was OK with him coming back, especially since he was going to leave le Tour alone, and ride the Giro, and maybe a few other races. Maybe what he should have done (yeah, I know, Monday morning quarterbacking over here) is to ride a full Spring schedule, as in, Flanders, GW, Paris Roubaix, Fleche Wallone, Amstel (so maybe he could win it, at least once), and the list could go on from there. And then go and ride the Giro d’Italia, and maybe even win the damn thing. That could top off his career nicely, and stop making people like me, say that he was and always will be, a one trick pony (and yes, before anyone says it, I know he won Fleche before, and the World Championships, and some Tour DuPonts, and other craptastic races), but the man has never won a monument, and he has done all that there is to do, as relates to the Tour de France. OK, he could win 8, but at this point in time, with nobody near his record of 7 in a row, what’s the point? It’s all about ego stroking at this point in time, and if I didn’t believe it before, now I definitely believe that he’s the biggest psycho ego maniac out there in the world of cycling, hell, in the world of sport in general, nah, I take those both back, maybe in the whole wide W-O-R-L-D.

But do you know what I really hate about this guy coming back the most? The questions that I’ll get when I arrive at work, oh, the week after le Tour starts. Because, most of the drones that I work with, if they know anything at all about the sport, they know one word. Lance. I usually brush them off with answers not revolving around Lance Armstrong, mostly, I say that I respect what he’s done in cycling, but I’m more of a one day race type of fan anyway, and don’t pay much attention to what Armstrong is doing in France in July (OK, that’s a lie, I still follow the damn race regardless of who is racing in it, and have been since my introduction to the sport during the Lemond reign, where I quickly found the one day races were more exciting). Usually, if I give them an answer like that, they leave me alone, but most of the time, they don’t. They keep asking me, and asking me, and asking me. It’s sort of like being Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, where Ferris keeps calling him, and he finally answers, because if he doesn’t, “He’ll keep calling, and calling, and calling…” That’s how I feel. Luckily, and mercifully, the race is ONLY 3 weeks long, and since the 4th of July week usually falls in there somewhere, it’s more like 2 weeks, and I can gut out anything for 2 weeks. OK, maybe not anything, but you assholes know what I mean.

Look, Lance, my cycling career is over, for the most part, actually, it never really started, but let me give you some sage advice. Let the younger guys battle it out for le Tour. You’ve been there, done that, and come back with the jersey more than a few times. Go where you haven’t been before, as in Italy. Battle with Simoni and Basso in the high, and steep, mountains there. Hardly any good time trialists show up for the Giro, you’ll beat them down, and then you can have a nice pink jersey to match the yellow ones you’ve got hanging around. I know that this puts a crimp on your yellow Livestrong style and all, but couldn’t you add a pink edition as well? Don’t be a douche for crying out loud. Help Contador whip everyone else’s ass while in France, and make him your heir apparent, since that whole Tom Danielson thing didn’t work out so well (psst, turns out that kid, oops, I mean middle aged man, is more fragile than fine china, and a psycho to boot). Thing is champ, you’ve got nothing to prove really. If you want to race, fine, I don’t doubt you can do it, but I just wish you wouldn’t, mostly because of the chumps that you bring out of the woodwork.

Does this mean that Robin Williams is going to be as well? God, I hope not. I can’t handle anymore one ball jokes.

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

About giantcu92

Engineer living in the NOVA, and working for "The Man". Cycling and political junky. All things 2 wheeled are good. 4 wheels? Eh, OK, but 2 wheels better. Washinton, DC, USA

24 thoughts on “Dear sweet little 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus…

  1. Fuckin’ Kill It Lance! Oh yeah, and stick to the skinny tire cause you’ll never beat Wiens.

  2. I greet the news of the return of big tex with some enthusiasm.
    My hope is that Lance = increased televised coverage, even if it means Al T. is on the mic.
    No matter what is going on with doping etc. I’ll still watch it, just can’t help myself.

  3. …i say if the man has got the legs & the ball(s) to make a comeback, more power to ‘im…

    …& if anything, this just raises david wiens stock in trade…

  4. fuck em. can we recruit that woman with the purse from a few years back to get out there with a bunch of her friends to line the course? ?

  5. At least this means no Lance on RAGBRAI. Now we won’t have to see a full page spread titled “Watch Lance Eat Pie”.

  6. Name a cycling legend that isn’t a egomaniac? You think Eddy was some humble champion?


  7. Back in the day, didn’t the Italians want to arrest him because of his association with Dr. Ferrari?

    Personally, I think he should forget about the Tour, let someone else have it. Ride the Giro, Vuelta, and some classics. What does he have to prove at the Tour?

  8. …el jefe…he has the chance to prove to us that he does have a taste of “humble” in that ‘suitcase of pain’ he carries to work…beyond all the allegations, i don’t think there is a shred of doubt the man knows how to suffer on a bike…

    …win something strong (ie: a classic) in the spring, glorify a giro finish in the maglia rosa & then ride w/ levi in support of contador for the yellow…he could show the world that he honestly did appreciate all those years of guys riding themselves into the pavement for the glory of lance…

    …but then, maybe not & heaven help mr contador should he falter…krist, talk about pouncing…

    …i’m definitely intrigued, either way…no secret i’m still a fan despite my reservations about certain aspects of the man’s character…

  9. I didn’t think he should have retired at all. Hell, stick around a few more years, ride the giro and vuelta, some of the northern classics, knock off a few wins, then retire quietly. But then, that aint exactly his style, is it now….

    You know who I’d much rather see make a come back? Paris Hilton. More bootleg porn with her looking longingly into a night vision camera with a giant hog in her mouth. There’s a ‘cum’back I’d like to be a part of….

  10. All great tour champs should die with their boots on in the alps with the new young riders riding past them and finish off the podium no matter how many tours they’ve won. what is this bull about younger cyclists and rights of passage? what a bunch of crap. thier right of passage is on the slopes of Galibier or Mont Ventoux and the like. drop a ther great ones. make the best hurt as a show of the next generation. What is that like “Lance is back now I can’t have my time”? what a fucking pussy of a statement.

    get a nut

  11. holly shit pirata that is funny. Perhaps Levi is stoked now that Lance has the goods with all the new masking agents. I mean the people his foundation suppports are the ones creating all the new meds and tests….why the fuch else would he stick around? he should have bolted to Columbia or Garmin whatever

    all in the game people

    and Giant what I mean is Hate the Game man. Not the players. Sounds like you wanted to be a player at one point. Don’t we all

  12. OK we all hate pop culture because we are cool

    I hate him everywhere but on a bike.

    I hate Roger Clemons everywhere but the mound.

    I love gnome everywhere but here

    hate the game bitch