This is the story that is going to make me stay so far away from any cycling related forums on the internets, because now for the following, oh, I don’t know, 7 months or so, all we are going to hear from the Lance Fan Boys that have been absent for a few years now is how the old great one is coming out of retirement to ride the Tour. Again… Yawn… Wake me when le Tour de France is over this year, and let me know who won, and if it is Armstrong, gouge my eyeballs out so that I won’t have to see him riding down the Champs once again reveling in his ego maniacal self.
Sure, I was OK with him coming back, especially since he was going to leave le Tour alone, and ride the Giro, and maybe a few other races. Maybe what he should have done (yeah, I know, Monday morning quarterbacking over here) is to ride a full Spring schedule, as in, Flanders, GW, Paris Roubaix, Fleche Wallone, Amstel (so maybe he could win it, at least once), and the list could go on from there. And then go and ride the Giro d’Italia, and maybe even win the damn thing. That could top off his career nicely, and stop making people like me, say that he was and always will be, a one trick pony (and yes, before anyone says it, I know he won Fleche before, and the World Championships, and some Tour DuPonts, and other craptastic races), but the man has never won a monument, and he has done all that there is to do, as relates to the Tour de France. OK, he could win 8, but at this point in time, with nobody near his record of 7 in a row, what’s the point? It’s all about ego stroking at this point in time, and if I didn’t believe it before, now I definitely believe that he’s the biggest psycho ego maniac out there in the world of cycling, hell, in the world of sport in general, nah, I take those both back, maybe in the whole wide W-O-R-L-D.
But do you know what I really hate about this guy coming back the most? The questions that I’ll get when I arrive at work, oh, the week after le Tour starts. Because, most of the drones that I work with, if they know anything at all about the sport, they know one word. Lance. I usually brush them off with answers not revolving around Lance Armstrong, mostly, I say that I respect what he’s done in cycling, but I’m more of a one day race type of fan anyway, and don’t pay much attention to what Armstrong is doing in France in July (OK, that’s a lie, I still follow the damn race regardless of who is racing in it, and have been since my introduction to the sport during the Lemond reign, where I quickly found the one day races were more exciting). Usually, if I give them an answer like that, they leave me alone, but most of the time, they don’t. They keep asking me, and asking me, and asking me. It’s sort of like being Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, where Ferris keeps calling him, and he finally answers, because if he doesn’t, “He’ll keep calling, and calling, and calling…” That’s how I feel. Luckily, and mercifully, the race is ONLY 3 weeks long, and since the 4th of July week usually falls in there somewhere, it’s more like 2 weeks, and I can gut out anything for 2 weeks. OK, maybe not anything, but you assholes know what I mean.
Look, Lance, my cycling career is over, for the most part, actually, it never really started, but let me give you some sage advice. Let the younger guys battle it out for le Tour. You’ve been there, done that, and come back with the jersey more than a few times. Go where you haven’t been before, as in Italy. Battle with Simoni and Basso in the high, and steep, mountains there. Hardly any good time trialists show up for the Giro, you’ll beat them down, and then you can have a nice pink jersey to match the yellow ones you’ve got hanging around. I know that this puts a crimp on your yellow Livestrong style and all, but couldn’t you add a pink edition as well? Don’t be a douche for crying out loud. Help Contador whip everyone else’s ass while in France, and make him your heir apparent, since that whole Tom Danielson thing didn’t work out so well (psst, turns out that kid, oops, I mean middle aged man, is more fragile than fine china, and a psycho to boot). Thing is champ, you’ve got nothing to prove really. If you want to race, fine, I don’t doubt you can do it, but I just wish you wouldn’t, mostly because of the chumps that you bring out of the woodwork.
Does this mean that Robin Williams is going to be as well? God, I hope not. I can’t handle anymore one ball jokes.by