Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMD’s turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

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About Flodizzle

Another cyclist toiling away in graduate school. Go figure. Tucson, Arizona, USA

35 thoughts on “Dear Red States:

  1. sucks this website is hosted in a red state. Luckily with everyone from CA moving to AZ it wont be red much longer

  2. I will take PBR over Lone Star or Dixie any day of the week. I will be sad to lose Shiner, but anything made in California makes up for that loss.

    Great post, Flo. Keep, ‘em coming.

    —BP

  3. Will refugees from Oklahoma be able to get citizenship in Nuevo California? It would also be nice to actually have my vote count for something of meaning rather than Jesus, guns, et al.

    When are we seceding?

  4. …fucking brilliant, flo d…

    …you’ve proven once again that the best humor is/b> based on reality…

  5. AZ will only be red until Janet comes out of the closet… then cali get’s a run for it’s money.

  6. Please take Austin with you. We’ll be like West Berlin during the cold war. Already feels like living on an island anyway.

  7. Hey! We got some Condors here in AZ. Well, maybe there’s still some left if they haven’t all been shot….. H.

  8. From Dan “sucks this website is hosted in a red state. Luckily with everyone from CA moving to AZ it wont be red much longer”

    Maybe the reason why Cali is Blue is all the damn reddies are moving to AZ.

    I’ve lived over 99% of my life in this red state, yet I prefer the Blue shade. Could I become a spy or possibly an assassin for the Blue States? I know how to blend in, I know the red language. I can deny knowing how to read. I can pretend to believe in a god. I know how to maintain, load and shoot a gun. And I can hit what I’m shooting at. I’d love to start working in the Sedona area. Those red fucks have built ridiculous homes over land that was once my playground and try to come off as being environmentally friendly and spiritually sound. Fuck ‘em. Keep in mind I wouldn’t shoot to kill, just shoot to scare the living shit out of. That would help keep their migration from stopping here.

    You all let me know if you need my services.

  9. Yeah well trust me you’d rather have the Ole Miss coeds than the Harvard ones. We red shirt Miss Americas.

  10. Pretty funny—-but if you’re going to concede the entire Gulf coast and half of the Atlantic, I hope you plan on getting your oil from somewhere. You realize that Houston and New Orleans are the most important ports in the US in that regard, right?

    This red state/blue state nonsense is just that—-nonsense. There are good people and morons everywhere. The most racist people I’ve ever met have been from Boston. I know New Yorkers who sound like Klansmen. I’ve met hippy-dippy liberals from Georgia.

    Stuff like this post shows that people are real quick to join teams and not be individuals.

  11. Excellent post Flo. Nice to know there like-minded individuals ranting the same as me. I wanna write about why I think Capitalists are more evil and a greater threat to our country than Al-Queda. Just haven’t found the right droll tone, yet. I like Cali but we need a different name.

    And to you Mike from Florida, I take offense that you think we Massholes are racists. We’re just direct.

    We’re also gonna claim Austin and N’awlins as twin Berlins. If those two cities are satellites of the blue states the average IQ of Southerners should drop below 75.

    Oil, no problem. We’ll get oil the old fashioned, Republican, Wall Street way-we’ll steal it.

  12. Neal—give me a break. Did I say all Massholes were racist? No. But the most obnoxiously racist people I’ve ever met have been from Massachusetts—-and I grew up in Louisiana, FFS!

    As far as I’m concerned, from here in Florida, the Northeast is welcome to secede—if they’ll take their old Yankees back. Can we deport them? I’d like to be able to ride my bike without living in fear of being run over by a Lincoln. And I can damn sure live without hearing some obnoxious old New Yorker chewing out some waitress because his dinner was not good and the serving was too small. LOL

  13. flodizzle and his izzle-likes are why i heart dc in spite of the shortage of porn or even decent boobage anymore.these are indeed the times that try men’s souls (even with the phillies winning).less than a month(or 3 to inauguration)until the end of an error

  14. Golly Mr Pyle, don’t get your panties in a twist. You’re more excitable than a 12 year old boy who’s just discovered masturbation.

    And no you didn’t say all Massholes were racist. You were thinking it. I can read minds.

    Bad news on Florida. It’s going blue. But maybe we can reach a compromise. You get Florida from Orlando up. You get Disneyland, the panhandle and the trailer parks. We get the cool beaches, the everglades and the Keys!

    I gotta agree with you about New Yawkers. They’re ruder than Bostonians and that aint easy. Let’s drop a neutron bomb on NY-save the buildings, lose the assholes. But who will fill the void? I know!
    Hot Southern coeds. Yumm! They’re getting tired of all you mullet headed, guntoting savages anyway. And besides all our women are feminists wearing comfortable shoes. Maybe we could trade?

  15. KG,
    Edges? I’d call it the western edge with a little incursion of blue into the middle around Sac. Alturas and Susanville certainly aren’t blue. Barstow and Bishop aren’t blue.

    Neal,
    It’s California. If you want to contract it: NorCal or SoCal, or CA. I may live in Texas, but I’ll always be a Californian.

    Not yellin’, just sayin’…

  16. Neal—If South Florida goes anywhere it’s going back to Cuba. LOL. They’ve pretty much seceded there anyway. But remember, if you take south Florida you have to take all the old New Yorkers who’ve retired there.

    I’ll be happy to keep the Panhandle beaches. They’re regularly voted among the best in the world.

    You can’t have our women. They like real men here, not man-bag carrying metrosexual Yankees. Nah, you can keep your hairy feminists. We’ll keep our hot belles, thanks anyway. :-)

  17. …thank you, el jefe…

    …politics aside, i fucking hate to hear people refer to california as “cali”

    …& yer quite right…norcal, socal or even the governor’s “calyfornia” but good lord, “cali” leaves me cold in my tracks…

    …again, flo d’s piece was beautifully comedic even though it created such a polarizing effect amongst we, the great unwashed…

  18. Although I’ve hated the diminutive “cali” for longer than she’s been around, “cali” makes me think I’m stuck listening to Rachael fucking Ray talk about EVOO and how things are “delish”. Or listening to an Australian talk about going to Brisi (Brisbane). Or having a student write me an e-mail in texting language.

    Hopefully, the drunks can keep from getting too polarized about this. There’s so many other things that are worth the effort.

  19. Here is the equal opportunity response as posted on politicalhumor.com:

    Dear Blue States:

    Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we’ll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

    We’ll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you’re actually going to follow through–for once–on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

    But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you–just the Blue parts.

    We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually “blue.” Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the “Blue” counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

    Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want ‘em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you’re going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

    Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won’t rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles–meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

    So, the bottom line is that you don’t get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

    But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you’re going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can’t have them.

    Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you’ve come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

    You get the labor union shakedown artists, “teachers” who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

    (And don’t come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We’re putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

    We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

    Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don’t call it “the breadbasket” for nothin’. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

    We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

    And don’t even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America’s natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

    Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington …ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

    Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

    Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

    That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

    You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia–which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

    Lucky you, it’s all yours–enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar…Blue “voters” up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol’ trigger finger.

    In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit–a Blue bastion, of course–the proud showplaces they are today.

    We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and…well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England–and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

    You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

    The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up–for a small consulting fee, of course

    If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We’ll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we’ll be fine.

    Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you’re apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you’re offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

    Hey, a deal’s a deal. Done.

    True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)

    For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

    And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

    So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.

    And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

    We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

    And we’d like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we’re happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It’s much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

    Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they’re volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

    Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

    But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak–who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much–blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.

    Sincerely,

    The Red States

    PS: You can keep the marijuana. You’re going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.

  20. …ya know, redhead for dave, i guess it was a valiant attempt at a response but it just didn’t have ‘it’…if ya know what i’m sayin’…

    …in fact, it dragged on & on & got kinda morose & unreadable towards the end & well, in never really had the comedic ‘sparkle’ of the original…

    …but hey, i guess somebody somewhere felt the need, huh ???…

  21. This is one of the bullshittiest comment threads in the history of DC. There are no red states, there are no blue states. Don’t allow ignorance at either end of the spectrum influence common sense.

    Once again, I highly recommend Eric Hoffer, _The_True_Believer_. It’s a short book, even you hate-spewing colorized folks can get through it in a few days. The bottom line is this: people at BOTH ends of the spectrum are cannon fodder for the moderates that actually REACH CONSENSUS AND MAKE WORKABLE POLICY.

    Abortion and gun control are irrelevant. Anyone who gets riled up on those issues is an idiot- even the non-religionists. A few weeks ago I heard former senator Bill Bradley (D, NJ) speak… he spoke convincingly to this very issue. The REAL issues are jobs, health care, social security and so forth. Don’t allow your opinions to be manipulated. WE ALL WANT THE SAME THINGS.

    No red, no blue- don’t be fooled.

    Sensibly yours,

    Mikey

  22. Pingback: Dear Red States: | Drunkcyclist.com : Ten One Hundred

  23. Yeah Mikey, you actually make some sense. Most people are moderates and want the same thing whether they live in Taxachusetts or Texas. But there’s no fun in everyone getting along. I came here for an argument. Or at least some good natured abuse.

    I was just thinking I may have not offended someone in my previous posts. For that I apologize. If I left you out please enlighten me. Until then it’s time to piss off all you Calyfornians who take yourselves way too seriously.
    CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI CALI