This weekend was the second MBAA race. And I didn't race. With fitness like mine, a course like Estrella is not fun. Shit, with fitness like mine, nothing is fun.

So, I opted for nothing and drank beer instead. I had plenty of company. Go figure. Two kegs compliments of Flagstaff's finest drinking establishment, and my favorite place to drink, Pay'n Take. Yes, they supplied the beer, I supplied the idiots. Magic time.

I'll be at the next MBAA race with a couple more kegs. And, gasp, I may even compete. Can you imagine that? Shit fire.

I'm just about entirely clueless about who won what. I spent most of the day hiding with the kegs under my easyup from the rain and hail. It came down like a mother. And absolute mother. Kinda wish I had a couple of pics. Next time, next time.

The results will be up on the MBAA webpage sooner or later.

I do know little man T (yeah, I'll be keeping his name off the site for a few more years…) won the 12 and under category for the second straight time. And he's ten.

And he rocks a livewrong bracelet on one arm and a livestrong on the other.

At one point when T and some of his buddies were running around putting flyers on windshields for the next race, and generally act'n a fool, his Dad turned to me and said, "I'm in big trouble, aren't I?"

"Yes." I answered, "Yes you are."

That kid at 18 is going to run this whole thing.

Dejay won the single speed race again. Getting boring watching him ride. I think we'll have to throw rocks at him next time to slow him down and give someone else a shot at the title. Someone like T.

I almost got this next link rocking and rolling on Friday, but I blew it off and went with other things. Seems it was a pretty popular link to email over the weekend. It showed up in my inbox about ten more times, it not more.

So here goes... This one is pretty damn brutal. I guess it's some guy in the back of his buddies car, and he tries to hit some young kid on a bmx bike with the rear door as they drive by. He misses the kid, and falls out the door. And well, he hits something. Something being a parked car. I guess they're calling it "instant karma".

From: Matt Subject: Crunch time Not sure if you had seen or already posted this, but this is a young asshole getting what he justly deserves. From what I can tell, he is leaning out of the car door to smack a young rider on the head, when…… It's a bit painful to watch, but fuckin A! uselessjunk.org/videos/instant_karma_darwin.wmv

More on it here.

Here is some Hustler thing I found on the net today: programmagazin.hu/image.php?mediaid=518.

Oh my God, it's Big Gay Randy

From: Big Tex Subject: Latest Article Check out Outside online to pimp your ride trainright.com/outside/default.asp?article=1&sortBy=137&articleID=1271 or the March Bicycling page 83 to Sprint into Spring. Hope all's well. I'll be down in Arizona mid February to work with some athletes at the Valley of the Sun and to race the Vuelta Sonora--vueltasonoraarizona.com/vuelta_ingles.htm

Someday all of this will be his…

Maybe.

Some better news out of SLC: The system is working.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: it would be nice if she was sentenced to no jail time I'm sure Mrs. von Dieselhorse or whatever the fuck her name is would agree. I'm as liberal as they come, but when I hear this sort of "it's nobody's fault, lets try to find the happiest outcome for everyone" bullshit I just want to scream. IMHO the most glaring problem facing our society today is a lack of accountability. For my first exhibit, please let me present Donald Rumsfeld. When it really gets down to it, this dried-up old skank center-punching a cyclist and getting off with "I'm sorry" is no different from a delusional Administration killing and maiming tens of thousands because "God told me so." Kill a cyclist, go to jail. It's just that simple.

You'll have to be a real redneck who likes to shoot things, like Snake or Paddy for example, to love this next one: Dog be gone.

The video page has all the action. So much, in fact, I can't imagine why you'd need to actually buy the whole 40 minute video.

We live in a very strange place…

From: Ron Hightower Subject: not-so-celebrity boxing ******************PRESS RELEASE********************** ***********ASSOCIATED PRESS SPORTS WIRE************ JANUARY 22, 2005 SAYERS WANTS A REMATCH!!! TUCSON, AZ (AP Newswire) In a shocking development, Mike Sayers (recent winner of the THE SPICE CHANNEL presented by BARTLES AND JAMES sponsored by PABST BLUE RIBBON, 2004 WIDE WORLD of CYCLING AWARDS "SCOTTIE PIPPEN" award) has demanded a rematch with some-time European pro cyclist Ron Hudson. According to our roving informant, boxing correspondent, world crono champion, former Sayers teammate and longtime Sayers confident Danny Pate (and we quote) "Sayers said he wants a rematch!" Apparently the New Year's Eve beat-down of Hudson was not enough to quench Sayers' bloodlust and--in a move usually reserved for the vanquished--has laid down the gauntlet once again. The story took another even more bizarre twist when Big Jonny of Big Jonny Promotions offered to promote the a DCBA-sanctioned boxing watch between the two no-so-famous minor celebrities. According to the "Drunk Cyclist" website, the 12-round championship fight would be held sometime in February at the AVA Amphitheater at Casino of the Sun in Tucson, Az. Details have yet to be finalized (or either party even contacted), but apparently Big Jonny Promotions is requesting that both fighters put up $5,000 as a guaranteed cash prize to go to each contestant's charity. Sayers' winnings to be donated to his MTB Scholarship Fund, and Hudson's prize to be split between himself and an independent organization identified only as "DC." When questioned about the match Jonny commented, "Hey man, I just give the people what they want when they want and they wants it all the time!" Jonny also added that tickets would be available for $10 to $50 and that all proceeds would benefit the "Livewrong" (www.livewrong.net) foundation. Also, since the AVA Amphitheater is on Indian land, wagering will also be available. For those persons unable to attend, but still wishing to get a piece of the action, the fight open for online betting at website www.Sportsbook.com or by calling 1-800-BET-ON-IT. We managed to reach Hudson for a comment and he responded "Well, I'm not sure why he wants to whoop my ass again, and I'm usually not an advocate of violence (especially against me), but hey...throw a few bucks into the mix and I'm pretty much down for anything." At the time of this report, Sayers was a 5:1 favorite according to Vegas oddsmakers.

**Update: Judging from the emails and phone calls (yes, phone calls) I've received so far today I should make clear the preceding email was the first I've heard of the Sayers-Hudson rematch. In fact, I had sketchy at best information concerning the fist round, which, in fact, I don't think was much of a fight. More of a strangling,think Latrell Sprewell. I am not actually promoting it, looking to profit from it, nor do I particularly care to see it. If these guys actually end up boxing, it will be no concern of mine.**

Well, Hudson's getting better odds than the Eagles these days.

Big Jonny Promotions... I like the sound of that.

I should start a collection. Just so see how many people would send in money to watch the Slayer Sayers - Haymaker Hudson Duel in the Desert. The Tussle in Tucson. The bout, fistic sport, fisticuffs, match, prizefight, pugilism and slugfest to end all slugfests.

Maybe a couple of warm-up acts featuring former White Mountain teammates looking to settle a score? Shit, we could have male and female fights lined up working with that criteria.

I'll bet we could get five grand together in no time.

Friday, January 28, 2005

I'm dying   I   more dying   I   dear god

Check out kill all humans. It's enlightening.

Are you interesting in owning a piece of history? How about the letter firing Matt Decanio from the Kodak Gallery/Sierra Nevada team? Do you want that?

Well, bid on it over at ebay.

No shit.

More from Auschwitz over at the NY Times.

Have you read about Jeff Thomason, the Eagles replacement for the injured Chad Lewis? It's a good story, a guy called up from his construction management job to fill in for one game. That one game being the Super Bowl.

Right on.

Tomorrow is MBAA numba two. I'm going, but I ain't racing. Go figure.

I've just filled the van with gas, thrown a bag of ice in the cooler, got two kegs, the jockey box and CO2 ready to rock and roll. The only thing I need is some cups…

Watch me forget that tomorrow.

That'd be great, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Next time you get buried in an avalanche, in your car, with a bunch of beer, just do what this enterprising individual did. Dig, drink and pee your way out. Read about it here.

From: Mitch Subject: what the fuck? Dude, You'll get a kick out of this.. I know I did - I actually checked out your site earlier today, and *forgot to click on the porn*... I actually READ THE POST and DIDN'T check out the porn! What the fuck?! Don't worry, I'm correcting that oversight as we speak... I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again. Keep the good times rolling. By the way, good sarcastic update today. Was a good one.

Well, I guess there is a first time for everything.

More on the Spongebob nonsense over at Keith Oblermann's blog.

More on Josie Johnson.

From: Adam Subject: Just one question… I'm sorry about the Josie story. I hope Mrs. rich SUV gets what's coming, and can't buy her way out. Here's a suggestion; along with jail time, TAKE AWAY HER FUCKING LICENSE. I hate people that write in all caps but I had to get that point across. She's clearly proved that she can't properly function an automobile. Much less a damn SUV. Make HER ride a bike till she croaks. I mean the lady is 67. Has anyone suggested that this lady's reaction time may not be fit for our nations roads. I wouldn't doubt that you have better reaction time after one of your dirty ass martini's and a staring contest with Isabelle Nys. I'd also be interested in what meds this rich beotch was hopped up on before barreling down the road. My guess, she was in LA LA land staring at the pretty biker remembering the old days of riding to the corner pharmacy for rootbeer floats and lollipops, not realizing that her shinny four-wheel drive mini-bus is headed right for Josie's rear tire. How about this one: Old people bitter rage. I'm not saying it was intentional. Nothing on pain-killers ever is. But Josie hit the middle of the vehicle. Old lady thinking, damn bikers, damn whippersnappers. Clouded head. When she's shaking her fist, she's forgetting to turn. Sorry, I'm just pissed. I've finally hit the point that I think the rest of the biking community has. I almost feel like commuting with a collapsible baton just for those special folks who cut me off. Anyway, that 's my rant. I haven't had one in a while. Generally I don't get that bothered. Feels good. I might've tripped on an old person stereotype back there, but stereotype or not, it is an issue. Driving is a privilege. For older folks, it's a sense of freedom. Dammit, I'm gonna stop that potential rant right there. On a lighter side, you've probably seen this but I figured I send it to you anyway. It's quite the collection... dubyaspeak.com/audio.shtml

And this…

From: Jason Subject: Deseelhorst Big Jonny- Not that I'm trying to be a big supporter of the Deseelhorst's or anything and I'm not some bleeding heart no one ever belongs in jail type, violent criminals and a few priests probably deserve a stay, but I would assume that this lady didn't hit Ms. Johnson on purpose. I would also assume that she has no previous violent criminal history (if she does then ignore this and lock her up), if this is the case, it would be nice if she were sentenced to no jail time and community service on behalf of cycling. Seems fair to me but what do I know, my humble opinion would be that in a case like this maybe a harsh and lengthy punishment of jail time wouldn't help anyone and would just ending up costing us a wad of tax dollars. Screw that, I'd rather see the lady right her wrong and help us all instead of rot in jail for a year or even more if stiffer penalties are legislated. While I'm on the topic of jail time, statute changes and my tax dollars let me just add that, yes, other non-fatal crimes are, perhaps unfairly, punished more severely but leaving all those aside (as I won't claim to have any solutions to those), the one thing that really pisses me off lately is when victims right's groups go and potentially make life hard for me in the future. I'm sorry bad things happen to good people and I'm sorry people make mistakes but at least let them try and make it better. What if one day I'm driving and lose it and take out a cyclist? Should I have to rot in jail for five years and have a felony on my record because of an honest mistake. I'd rather the system make me to try and help the family or work building bike lanes with a paint brush. I know I'd be nothing but pissed off if I ended up sitting in jail with taxpayers footing the bill for me to be some very large inmate's little shaved leg bitch for a lot of years. It's like making a little kid pay for the window he broke with a baseball. Should you beat the kid, ground him for the rest of his life or make him sweep floors until it's paid for? He's going to be pissed with any of the three but at least he has to make up for what he did with the last one. Maybe it's a little too much of a mayberry solution but then I kind of like life uncomplicated.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

breanne   I   anita blue   I   purple hair

I've just made myself the dirtiest of dirty martinis. My God, where did we get these glasses? A gift I cannot remember, perhaps?

The damn thing looks like a five gallon bucket. This is going to kill me. And, I suppose, when you think about it, that's the whole point of this little exercise, isn't it?

And why is it the very thought of drinking olive juice sickens me, absolutely churning my stomach? While the addition of 33 degree vodka, oh so icey don't ya know, seems to be the best thing going?

More about poor 'ol SpongeBob over at cnn.com.

Why don't they just let the poor bastard alone? What the fuck are these people talking about?

Ed Vitagliano, American Family Association, "A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality…"

Now, I happen to know Ed is down with the meat popsicle. Namely, mine. That's right. I fucked Ed Vitagliano in a Turkish bathhouse. Plenty of times.

Oh, those were the days. Me and Ed, knocking back dirty martinis and ass stabbing young boys. We thought if we shot enough smack, drank enough wine and knocked around the filthy, immoral, and depraved corners of the European continent we'd find it.

Now, just what "it" was, well, that was open to interpretation. And it was the end of our relationship. I was chasing the demons of Burroughs, Hemingway, Bukowski and Thompson across whatever hell I could create. And I found them. That was my "it".

Ed was chasing young-boy tail. And catching a lot of it I might add. The sly bastard had a way about him. To see him in action was a thing of beauty. Anyway, Ed found his "it", which turned out to be Christ, one day when I was taking the beef truck to Vitaglianoville. I had him bent over a toilet, a hand wrapped in his playful locks, and holding his head underwater. The bastard loved it. I even slammed the lid down on his cabeza a few times to keep it lively. Good times.

I thought I had given him a concussion, slamming his head against the porcelain with such force. It kinda scared me a bit when he passed out. After I finished myself off on his motionless, corpse-like ass, I checked for a pulse.

He said later he had seen Jesus.

It was the beginning of the end for us. I drank myself into utter stupidity, and he chose the path of righteousness. These days, I love booze, and he rails against the evils of a cartoon character.

How the world turns…

I should ad I didn't really have sex with Ed Vitagliano, him being conscious or not. I'm making this up. All of it. I'm an asshole who lies, so please don't sue me, you fucking bunch of assholes.

So, Paige Davis, a hot little piece of ass if ever there was one, is leaving the tv show Trading Spaces. Check out her little goodbye message on the TLC webpage. What a journey, eh Paige?

Now take a look at this:

From: Pete P. Subject: PAGE DAVIS FROM TRADING SPACES SUPRISE SURPRISE sunfyre.com/paigedavis.htm

Surprise indeed.

How I wish it had been Paige instead of Ed…

(Ahem, sorry, more lies. I just can't help myself. It's the booze talking. Er, typing. Whatever.)

From: Subject: "Fixie Girls" Found this on RBR. Basic premise: "Excuse me, would you pose with my bike." fyxomatosis.com/cgi-bin/pro/emAlbum.cgi?c=show_thumbs;p=Ciao!

Kinda makes me feel like airing up the tires on my fixie. Or putting gears on it. Choices, choices…

If I put gears on it, Big Gay Randy will laugh me down every chance he gets. And he's seen more young-boy ass than Ed Vitagliano.

(Forgive me Jesus, for I know not what I do.)

Hey, here's a thought, how 'bout a partying Jesus? A guy with a message of peace and love that tapped hot tail (chicks only for this one please) all across the land? Eh, how 'bout that? He drank, he gambled, he kicked a little ass. Then he went out like a rockstar…

Now that I could believe in.

But, the religious doochebags have turned it into fairy tale land. Oh, he's so squeaky clean his parents didn't even have sex.

Ah, yeah. What did Joseph do all those years, fuck sheep? You don't expect me to buy into this celibacy crap, do you? I mean, look at how well that plan worked out for all those priests who can't get enough young-boy tail.

And that, my friends, was not the booze talking.

Apparently I'll be seeing all of you in hell, the way this is going.

Oh goody, more goody good news coming out of Iraq.

That place is about to fucking explode. No pun intended.

Just what I need, a dress up Paris Hilton game. I pretty much put the trash bag over her head and was done with it.

This one really pisses me off. Just read it.

From: Mike D. Subject: Story from the KSL TV News web site yeah ..... ugh ..... uh huh .... Driver Who Hit, Killed Bicyclist to Face Criminal Charges Jan. 27, 2005 John Daley Reporting "Any time somebody rear-ends somebody else and kills them, no matter what they are driving, there ought to be some penalty for that." The death of a popular young bicyclist in Big Cottonwood Canyon ends in criminal charges. The accident happened near the Solitude ski resort, and the driver charged is the resort owner's wife. For those who ride bikes in Utah, the story of Josie Johnson has become a rallying cry. Every year in Utah, on average, seven bicyclists are killed when hit by cars--often struck from behind. And prosecutors say that's exactly what happened in this case. The cause of the accident is mystery. The weather was sunny and dry and the road was clear. Josie Johnson was riding eastbound, uphill, a half mile west of the first entrance to the Solitude Ski Resort when she was hit from behind by an SUV, and died from head injuries. Today, the driver of the car, 67-year-old Elizabeth Deseelhorst, wife of Solitude owner Gary Deseelhorst, was charged with negligent homicide. Bob Stott, Salt Lake Co. District Attorney's Office: "The bicycle at the time of the incident was on the far right hand side of the road, and the vehicle at the time of the collision, right tires were touching the shoulder of the road." Yesterday bicyclists rallied on Capitol Hill to pass a new, tougher bike safety law, which would require cars to give bikes a three-foot berth unless the road is too narrow. Richard Johnson, Josie Johnson's Father: "Extraordinary situation because the road where she was hit was the safest part of the canyon with two lanes and so forth, so it's a real sad thing." According to court documents filed today, Johnson was way over on the right side of the road, which has two lanes going east. Deseelhorst's car hit Johnson in the middle of the car and the wheels were touching the gravel shoulder. Ken Johnson, Josie Johnson's Brother: "Josie was riding on the road where she was supposed to be. Certainly she had a right to be there. And in this case, the road had plenty clearance to allow a motorist to go by." Josie Johnson's brother says both the charges and the passage of the new law up on Capitol Hill would make Utah's roads safer and be a proper tribute to his sister. Ken Johnson, Josie Johnson's Brother: "That would be a great legacy as we say goodbye to Josie." We left messages for Betsy Deseelhorst's attorney today; our calls were not returned. Prosecutors say there were no drugs or alcohol involved in this case. This charge is a Class A misdemeanor. If convicted the driver faces a year in prison.

Yeah. Mull over that one for a minute.

I don't usually do this, including reply emails, but this was what I wrote. Mike is a good man. I know him. And this, this case, this tragedy, is complete and utter bullshit.

I'm working with a bit of a buzz tonight, but please know I'm sorry. It was a terrible thing, the death of this young woman, your friend. And the upcoming legal angling are only going to make it worse. This Elizabeth Deseelhorst is what, the wife of a resort owner? So, I assume she has some deep ass pockets... Great. The next thing you know, our Ms. Johnson will be the biggest fuckup in the history of SLC. It'll be all over the papers, right? Every indiscretion of her young life splashed across the pages for everyone to read about, as if any of if matters when you're hit from behind while riding on the shoulder of the road… Anything to keep the rich out of harms way... Man, I'm in a foul mood tonight. I apologize if this letter had become insensitive. I just don't see anything resembling "justice" coming out of this one. The fucking bastards. A young woman is dead for Christ's sake. I'm done, I'm sorry.

Deseelhorst is facing a misdemeanor charge. A fucking misdemeanor.

It's good to know I've dabbled in a few, oh, what should we call them, "investment opportunities" that were felonies. I'm quite sure a lot of the folks reading this crap I call an update have crossed that line as well. What we do is a felony.

This woman killed someone and she is charged with a misdemeanor.

I could, well, let's just leave it at I'm upset.

From: Doug R. Subject: Feith escapes? Jonny; Something you may want to post. It appears Douglas Feith is going to try to get out of the Pentagon before the really big pile of crap hits the fan in the middle east. This is the symbolic equivalent of the child pulling the bottom apple from the produce display and quietly sneaking off into the next isle. see file or link attachments: npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4467941

More on Feith from the Jerusalem Post and the NY Times

Sven Nys, this guy, is really fast and has a hot wife. And then some.

Yo, read about this horseshit. There is some proposed legislation that would "require every bicycling New Yorker over sixteen years old to obtain bicycle license tags from the NYC Department of Transportation." Read about the whole deal at transalt.org.

Read this one: bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/4209531.stm

And then this: bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4213179.stm.

It's a real bbc type day. I'll let the articles speak for themselves. They require no comment from a drunkard such as I.

This one pretty much just scared me, while it made me laugh hysterically and jump up and down on my chair. But, after all, that's just me and my dirty ass martinis.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

dallas   I   hottie on a bike   I   redhead for dave

livewrong.net made the broomwagon section in the February issue of Cycle Sport. How cool is that? We're not only nationwide, we're worldwide.

Black is the new yellow.

Holy shit. Roaming Gnomes. They're everywhere. Check out gnomar for more sightings of the little woodland creatures.

Its coming, can you feel it? The stupor bowl. Hide your sheep, this one's going to be rough.

Since I don't live anywhere near Minneapolis, and I wouldn't miss the Eagles in the Super Bowl if you handed me a crisp hunski, I'll be missing that fine event. Call me what you will, I'll be piss drunk and happy as a pig in shit.

If you can do all that at once.

Are you a super villain like Steve?

I should fucking hope not.

Someone emailed me to ask if these two gentlemen were friends of mine.

I have to say no, I don't know them. But they look like pros.

Pro drunks, that is.

From: Chun King Subject: Jesus v. Spongebob O Titan of Tosspots, Get set for the Battle of the New Millennium as Jesus takes on SpongeBob SquarePants. Bob may be a little soft, but Jesus's punches have lost some zip ever since the Romans hammered those ten-penny holes in his mitts; his haymaker now makes a distinctive whistling sound, and Bob, being keen of hearing (to say nothing of a little light in the loafers), should be able to prance away unscathed.

Hey, he called me Titan of Tosspots…

Right on.

So I pretty much don't get it. Now the cartoon character is gay? Are these conservative wingnuts taking their medication?

And don't they throw this shit out every couple of years? Yeah. They do. Remember when Falwell outed Tinky Winky? Good looking out, Jerry. You're helping protect America.

We live in a fucked up place. Without a doubt.

Maybe we're just a land of suckers?

Whatever. Need some new wallpapers? This site, itzik-gur.com has a ton of 'em. They may not be all your style, they certainly aren't all mine. But, something has got to catch your fancy with so many to choose from.

I'll just throw out a couple of today's finest emails for ya to read and enjoy. Why? 'Cause I'm fading fast, that's why.

From: John B. Subject: more about those stupid magnets… …did you know they can actually prevent erections - and possibly spontaneous coitus?? - well possibly… Was working out at the Rec Center last week when a reasonably good looking chick started up a conversation with me at the leg extension machine. This is unusual, since reasonably good looking chicks are a rarity at the Rec Center as I've found - the good looking, fit ones are usually like me trying to squeeze in a decent workout in the limited time we have before work and are pretty focused…I'm there to work ya know, not troll for gash….anyway so this girl is, as I said decent looking and fit enough and I'm thinking paydirt for sure…I'm not going to pass up an opportunity…usually not… Everything's going just peachy and we meet downstairs and walk out to the parking lot…I'm just getting ready to ask her out for a drink when she pulls out her keys and Beeeeep goes a fucking MINI-VAN (bad enough dude) with a fucking SUPPORT OUR TROOPS magnet on it…….as if the 100 leg presses I had just done didn't leave me woozy enough, I just about hurled right then and there….she could have tried to blow me on the spot and I would have run away screaming….fortunately I simply wished her a nice day and made a bee-line for my Volvo with my Maverick on top…my way of stating my political views… Interestingly, I haven't seen the bitch since…

One more before I call it a night.

From: Brian M. Subject: Harley Davidsons - the best tool in the world for turning gasoline into noise! Jonny on the spot... Your commentary on Harley Davidson's was RIGHT ON. Last summer while riding my bike over Galena Summit (Sawtooths in Idaho - beautiful ride), I was passed by a posse of "hogs". Most likely doctors, lawyers and trust-funders dressed in their leather chaps and dumb-ass half helmets. It was like being buzzed by a commercial jet. It's more pleasant being passed by a semi-truck than by a group of these SUPER OBNOXIOUS motorcycles. My uncle is a "real biker". A Vietnam vet and a member of our local "Hells Angels" chapter. It is fun to get him talking about the new generation of bikers (He calls them "CUBBIES" - Credit Union Bikers - because they bought their bikes through the credit union, they can't fix them and worst of all - they let their women ride them). No real biker would EVER let his woman ride. They belong on the back when they are not on their knees. I am talkin REAL FUCKIN BIKER. I am rambling...but it feels good... like beer and pills should...heh heh heh. But here is how Harley Davidson's are best described: Harley Davidsons - the best tool in the world for turning gasoline into noise! I know you are aware that the Christian Crusades have begun. Check this link from jokers-inc: kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1843 I fear for freedom and democracy in the US. But if I speak out, I will be branded as "un-patriotic". But GW and his crew MUST BE STOPPED! Did you know that they can now bring a drug dog in to "sniff" your car during a routine traffic stop? WTF? It is illegal for me to smoke weed, but GW can kill thousands, torture prisoners, give fat contracts to his cronies, destroy the environment, destroy the nations economy and, worst of all, force his moral agenda on the less than free American public. Another 80 Billion for war efforts, but no health care for my family (self-stitching wounds in the back of a bike shop cause your health care money went to "liberate" Iraq). Not to mention a record deficit. Go Jesus! Hooray for god! Rapture Rapture Rapture! FUCK!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

lesbians   I   lesbians   I   lesbians

I spent an hour and a half of my evening riding the rollers tonight. I tell ya, it's enough to break my will to live. Ok, it's not that bad...

But it ain't that fun either. I should have gone and actually road outside like my man J-Dub today. He saw the sun while he was pedaling. I watched the '97 Giro again.

The livewrong.net webpage got a facelift today. A much needed facelift. And, this is the really good news, we now have secure online ordering configured.

Happy days, I know. No more long distance phone calls. Shit. You think you're excited? Big Gay Randy has been answering calls all day long, and I think it almost cracked him. He's going to have it easy from here on out.

Are you as sick of those "support the troops" magnets as I am? Well, check out antimagnet.com. Your prayers have been answered.

Hey, and what do ya know: Booze boosts brain power. Seriously, this is what they're saying: "Moderate alcohol consumption protects women from cognitive decline."

Good news for all the female fans of the site eh?

Check out madaltradio.com.

From: Greg K. Subject: lefty bumper stickers Johnny, you may get cut off by more fans of Kerry than you realize. It is just that bus drivers, cabbies, and those folks that drive company owned (owner probably being a Bush supporter) rigs aren't allowed to demonstrate their leanings on a vehicle they don't own.

Not really. A Kerry/Edwards sticker on a car up here in Flagstaff pretty much indicates this is a driver who shares the road. Several times now I've seen a Kerry supporter give me 5 feet while passing my slow fat ass. And we only have, what, one bus? Maybe two? I can't speak for the voting preferences of the drivers, but I can say I haven't quite been put in the ditch by one yet.

Of course, someone out there voted for Kerry and is going to ruin the curve. Run me right the fuck over. I've just been lucky so far, I suppose.

From: fareed Subject: h2 drivers are dicks i hate parking tickets as much as the next guy, but these hummer drivers take it to the next level: news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=64590 not a good way to protest a ticket.

I'd say that guy should be going on a little vacation. To jail.

From: Chuck Subject: Salsa Cycles hosts the 3rd Annual Chilly Chili Ice Race Hey Jonny, I know you boys down in AZ don't get to experience mountain bike racing like this so I thought I would shoot you a link to the 3rd Annual Salsa Cycles Chilly Chili Ice Race and Ice Criterium World Championships. That is correct. There is a World Championship of Ice Criterium Racing and it happens right here in balmy Mini-Apple-Pus, MN. superteamracing.com/2005

I'll just wrap it up with this because it's 11:35 and I have nothing else to say.

From: Brad Q. Subject: What I did on my day off... DC Inauguration Stuff. Inauguration success! We didn't stop it, but we did disrupt it. Here is a news link from the DC Indymedia about the march I took part in... dc.indymedia.org/feature/display/115470/index.php Below are two pictures... one of the wedge-shaped banner mentioned in the above article. The other shot is of the "prolonged battle" between protesters and police. Yeah, I was there. It was crazy. The bloc charged the security checkpoint with that wedge banner. People were throwing pvc pipes at the line of cops blocking access to the inauguration route like they were javelins. Definitely the craziest shit I've ever been a part of on the streets...

    

Monday, January 24, 2005

zdenka   I   alexis malone   I   britney skye

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Speech Misheard Round the World.

Don't forget to check out livewrong.net to get your won Livewrong bracelet. We got it going on. Call, drop an email, whatever.

And a percentage of all the Livewrong sales are going to benefit the fine folks at Flagstaff Biking. They make it better for all of us, so we're going to give a little back.

It just feels right.

After this weekends ride, I've come to a couple of conclusions about cars the stickers that adorn them. Or, perhaps more telling, stickers and the cars that parade them around. One, when I get cut off by a car on my bike, more than half of them have a W04 sticker on the back. A good third have a "support the Troops" sticker. And the combo of a "W04" and "Support the Troops" is running a strong 100%.

What I mean by 100% is every single assclown that rocked the combo damn near hit me. Every single one.

What the fuck is up with that?

The second thing I noticed is about the type of car. The W04 stickers mean danger danger cyclist when on the back of either an import or a pickup truck. But, never an imported pickup truck. It's a Mercedes, Range Rover, Audi, or a mother fucking domestic pickup.

And the absolute worse pickup truck for "damn near killed me" status is the full size Dodge. They must market those things exclusively to the "I hate fucking cyclists" crowd.

When I die, it'll be a Dodge truck with a dubya sicker. Mark my words.

From: Don Subject: finally a positive experience with a driver Big J, As a long time fan of your work, I feel the need to share a heartwarming experience with a motorist (in a pickup, no less!) I was cruising down the road, getting ready for a right hand turn. I see a pickup coming the opposite way towards me, about to turn to his left (down my intended street.) He hits the turn about 30 yards in front of me (no big deal, right?), maybe going 30 MPH, then honks his horn. I'm like WTF? Do I know this guy? So I make the turn and he waves at me thru the window. He slows down. I'm still trying to figure what the hell's going on, whether I know this guy or something. He's driving this shitty blue Datsun pickup with what looks like pool cleaning supplies in the bed. So I pull even to his window. He says, "Hey, sorry about cutting you off back there! Have a nice day, ok?" I'm like whoa . . . ??? "Uh, yeah. Hey no problem. have a nice day, too." I was floored. How often does his happen? So he pulls off and I can't even ride straight, I'm so baffled by what just happened. Crazy. I guess not ALL pickup drivers are assholes, just most of 'em.

I love the old 'why you beeping do I know you' routine. I figure it's just better to fucking wave. I mean, why not? Shit. I wave even when they call me "faggot". I got fans everywhere man. Everywhere. That bottle that just whizzed past my ear? That guy wanted an autograph.

Which leads me, believe it or not, into this next thought: Fuck a Harley Davidson.

I used to think someday I wanted one of those motorcycles. I sure don't anymore. I feel bad for all the guys that rode 'em years ago, before they became this big fad thing. Same with choppers. Not so many of the actual chopper bikes around, but the logo for the West Coast Choppers is friggin everywhere. Wallets, t-shirts, ashtrays. They should put it on toilet paper so I could wipe my ass with it.

Having a Harley used to be cool. Now, every doochebag and his fucking brother has one. And they're all dicks.

Every time I'm out riding, I come across a crew of dentists, doctors and lawyers covered with black leather gear, and just a rumbling down the road. A couple of them always have a snide look for a brother like me in my lycra. I'm like yeah buddy, I like what you do one weekend out of the month with your pals. I'll be out here Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday while you're in the office ordering more accessories off the internet to complete your "look".

Fuck those guys.

From: Tyler Subject: ifilm ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2663486?htv=12 Hey Jonny, Did you see the Fair and Balanced Inauguration on Ifilm? Enjoy!

Yeah, I caught that. Pretty much what you'd expect from the bozo's at Fox. I suppose they thought the woman from Vanity Fair would be a pushover. Instead she's rock solid. So, the cut the interview.

Classy. Just like you'd expect from Fox.

That from Fox.

And this from me.

"The following is an account by Getty Images photographer Chris Hondros from Tal Afar, Iraq, about 40 miles west of Mosul. A U.S. military statement released after the incident said "military officials extend their condolences for this unfortunate incident," according to the Associated Press. The military said that, so far this year, at least five suicide car bombers have struck Iraqi security troops and U.S. military patrols at checkpoints in the area." Read it all here

And then tack on this piece by Radley Balko, where he says, among other things, "This little girl had no reason to hate the United States. Now she has two. So does everyone who knows her, and everyone who has anything in common with her."

This is what happens in a war. This is what war is. And this is why you had better be damn sure of what you're doing before you get yourself in this situation. His words are far better than mine; "I've written before that I think out troops are on par the most measured, humane, restrained military force in in history. I still think that. I think we do more to avoid collateral damage than can really be reasonably expected of us. We ought to be proud of that. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Reality isn't important. Perception is. My point with this picture isn't "look at how brutal the United States is." My point is, "what do you think the world's billion Muslims think when they see this?" What happened before the picture doesn't matter. What happens after doesn't matter either. What matters is the picture. Screaming kid. Covered in blood. America killed her parents. For the people who we're trying to win over, that's the entire story."

Good times, eh?

About as good as this: A Nuremberg Lesson Torture Scandal Began Far Above 'Rotten Apples'

From: David Subject: minor corrections Greetings from Evil. Hightower's attempts are humorous, but he's a little off base on one item. Decanio has been asked to resign from his team. This sucks.

Yep, looks like Decanio is jobless at the moment. Read it all over at velonews. He ain't pulling any punches on his site. And I'm sure his ruffling a few feathers. Actually, I know he is.

I hope he keeps doing what he's doing.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

pink   I   ice   I   hello ladies

I'm gonna say one word: Eagles.

That's right. Eagles. First Super Bowl appearance since 1980. When I was ten. I can still remember watching the Raiders win that one. Even the mighty Polish Rifle couldn't save us that day.

The line out of Vegas says the Pats are favored by 6 to 6 ½ points already. Big deal. I'm not worried about shit like that. I'm just glad we made it to the big game after three shit years. What was it last year, three points? And the year before that, six or seven? Oh, it sucked to watch that.

So this time we got it. We're going to Jacksonville. And be "we" I mean them. Not me. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here in Arizona watching the damn game on television.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm out of here. After the three and a half hour ride this morning and watching those games, I'm a wreck. Goodnight.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

larisa   I   katya   I   three beach babes

So am I nervous about the Eagles? Hell yeah I'm nervous about the Eagles. Real nervous.

But, that's why we follow teams and cheer them on, isn't it? For the excitement of watching them in the Big Game.

I just hope it's a good one and not some three point bullshit like last year.

iFilm may be annoying, forcing you to watch the same 30 second But this video from Aphex Twin is off the hook. And that guys shit it always freaky. What is it with his busted ass mug being superimposed on women's bodies?

Whatever.

Just in case any of you are wondering about Social Security reform, also known as the Conservative New Deal. I got my four hours in today. Went around the lake with the usual Flagstaff assortment of tankheads. I asked if they were riding base, and a lot of them are. Fastest base I've ever seen. I dropped myself on one of the bigger climbs. I certainly don't need to go that hard in January.

The upside is I met up with the ladies group. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Here is Snake's race report from Thailand.

From: Snake Subject: Thailand Day 1 or 2, I can't remember. So I am here racing in Thailand for the week. I thought that I would come over here and get some miles in my legs and some warm weather. First the cast of thugs that I will be riding with. Million is the manager for Giant/Asia. A good guy who wants the best for his riders but doesn't really know what it takes for the riders in a 5-day stage race. Funny because this is his 4 year as the manager. David McCann. The Irish National TT champs for the last couple of years and has gone to worlds and the Olympics for Ireland for the last couple of times. Paul Griffin. In a few words Classic League winner in 1996 and a hell of a good climber. Ryan Conner the next big thing to come out of Ireland. He is young at 20 and asks me questions about racing every night when Im trying to sleep but still a good kid. Lye is the only Asian on the team and a great guy who has that quiet yet confidence about him. He has some respect in the group because every time he wants to go somewhere they let him. Then there is David Barrows. Or Barro, or OZ depending what you want to call him. He is from down under and is coming off their winter/summer of riding and always wants to go and get a coffee. A real good mate. Then me bringing up the back of the bunch. So I fly for I think what is almost 30 hours strait to get here and for some reason Im not feeling top notch. But I go for a ride with some of the suspects and the power looks good so I will have a go at the prolog. Well come to find out that Million didn't bring any TT wheels or anything to help with the prolog. Somehow he comes up with a non-legal TT helmet. Most of the guys ride it I say fuck it and ride my helmet. Somehow I think that this UCI race is more of a bad stepsister race compared to the UCI. So off we go and McCann gets 2nd place by a second. Thank god because we cannot defend for tomorrow is 220 K. Did I mention that it was hot here? It's a fucking jungle. Heat and humidity is though the roof. I stand there and sweat let a lone try and rides a bike. So we have 3 or 4 in the top 25, which is good. We should just have to sit and follow wheels tomorrow. Fuck was I wrong about this. Day 2. So we get lost trying to find the start. The whole team gets fined 250 Swiss francs. You do the math to figure out what the hell that is. So we miss the break right off and have to chase by 100 or so K. Im fucked. Ive come off riding in Colorado where it's cold and snowing to all of a sudden Im in the jungle and its fucking go time. So we cut the break from 6 minutes to about 2 in 100 K just riding tempo at the front but I start cramping and things are not looking good for me. So I get dropped with about 20 K to go with Lye and the we get lost looking for the finish line. So we lose about 36 mintues on the stage. Oh well. The UCI idiots let us start today so we will see whats going to happen today. The start list for today was 120 riders now we are down to 74 I think. It only took one day to trim the fat. Fuck. It was unbelievable to think that tommorow is going to be just as hard because the new leaders team wont ride for him so the first hour of riding should be a fun one. I wonder how many people to day wont make the time cut? Day 3. Today was a joke. We got Ryan off in a break of 4 from the gun. It was uneventful because all we did was sit around and ride for 180K. Ryan however was busting his ass and is now only 1 point out in the KOM jersey. We will see what we can do for him for the next couple of days to keep him up there and mabee snake it from some one. Day 4. Holy shit. I have never hurt so bad in a stage. The race goes like hell as it always has from the gun. Its crazy here the flag drops and you go from zero to 35mph in the drop of a flag. As most races we miss it and have to chase within the first 10 K. But we do such a good job of guttering it that we set it up for all 3 of our GC guy to get into the next big one. Well it turns out that the big break that we set will be the GC for the rest of the race. About 15 get off with all the Whales in it. So me and Harro are left holding the bag, but its good because we are both fucked anyhow. So what is supposed to be a nice 170 K through the mountains now turns into survival because the team car (just one car per team) is now 15 minutes up the road. Lye tells me in broken English "in race Asians only care about who is in front". Roughly translated were fucked so start begging for water. So for the next 100K we are hanging on for dear life with no water or food. Fucked is an understatement. Did I mention that its hot in the jungle? So some how we keep it together until the last 40 when its supposed to be a flat run in. As some of you know by the tour of the gila stage profile for the fort bayered stage its supposed to be a flat run in mabee even slightly down hill. What a bunch of bull shit. Hill after hill of never ending hills. All about a K long and steep that you have to stand for them. At one point Harro looks at me and says see you at the finish mate. What????? Even the big ass germans that were there all of a sudden spoke fluent English asking me when will the hills stop? Fuckers welcome to the the pain cave and your all invited. So I roll the last 20 K or so seeing stars and all sorts of shit. I see an Thai ambulance go by at warp speed and all I can think about is I wonder if they have any water to give me. Turns out some idiot when over a barrier and over a cliff and broke his arm. Idiot. So I finish on a string and Im sitting there and the crew is like where have you been what took you so long. I say get fucked and sit down and have a Gatorade and some rice. They ask me were Harro is and I say way back he wont be in for a while. Harro says Im right here. What the fuck. He smiles and says hes been hanging on a truck for the last 15 K at 70K an hour. The horror the horror. We have a good laugh and head to the pool. He tells me some crazy story about taking a Kindom of Bariam out the back and leaving him for dead because he wouldn't pull. You had to be there to understand that one. Harro you da man! Stage 5 What was I thinking. I got into a 160 k break today with what on paper should have been a give away due to GC and tatics but the Danes who were in the jersey kept us at 5 minutes instead of 7-8. Idiots they rode too hard then when the shit hit the fan the Yellow was all alone and from what I hear was getting beat like Me beating Big Jonny. Easily and often. Hahahahh Fuck you Big Jonny. Bastard. Anyway we get caught with 20 to go and I think to myself if I cant win then Im going for the Lanton Ruge. So as Paul and Harro go by at Mach 1 compared to my 10 mph Harro screams out jump on I says back to him Lanton!!! He starts laughing and they are gone. So I roll it in with another 20 minutes or so down and I think I have it sewn up. Fuck was I wrong. On a side note note with the race. This is something that only the Gnome will know about. Broken AC units in the hotel room. Well Gnome I got another room that was just has hot and just as bad. Have you ever been so hot you thought that it would be better to sleep in the lobby of the hotel? I almost did. So with no sleep last night today was going to be extra special! Stage 6. Its over. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blha a break went we had a guy in it. Blha ahbhalbhbalhblahb jibberish jibberish jiberish. It all came back together field sprint blah bhal bhalalhalha jiberish jiberish. Im sittin in Japan right now writing this starving and I cant find any food. So I fucked up the Lanton by 7 seconds. I could have won this huge silver bowl but instead I am just pack foder. Moral of the story is that if there is a 10% time cut each day then stop in the last 10 K of every day take a piss eat some food have a drink and a smoke and come in last. Because there is always some son of biotch waiting in the bushes to get last. Fucker, I cant win and I cant lose. So to the boys on the team, Dave McCann, stop fucking with your saddle 10 seconds before the start. No wonder you have saddle sores. Paul Griffith, (Dave made me spell it that way) in a word League Classic winner 96 and a hell of a good guy. Now get a tan! Ryan "Questions" Conner. The answer is I don't know. David Harrington "Harro" You want some more water mellon? Lye you're never going to see this let alone read it. Big Jonny See you in hell Snake

Sounds like fun, Snake. I'm glad you're not fucking dead.

Friday, January 21, 2005

radka   I   luba   I   girls on bikes

Ah, good 'ol George Bush. Such a good man. Even if he is in league with Satan. I will say this much Bush, I can't fucking stand him. But, what we had to do was beat him with a ballot. And not with a bullet. I won't be posting any of the "lets shoot the bastard" emails. Not just yet anyway. Even if that assclown is a puppet on a string.

Damn good article over at the NY Times by Bob Herbert. I'd call that one required reading. It fucking sickens me that Bush skirted the whole Iraq issue yesterday. Like it doesn't really matter. Well, maybe not to him. But I'll bet you dollars to donuts there are quite a few friends, families and loved ones of American Service men who would tell you differently. To them, nothing else matters.

How the hell do you think Social Security reform is a hot issue, when there are children whose parents may not come back from that fucking sandbox in the middle east? Job one is putting Iraq back together. Job two is working to insure no one blows us up.

Three, four and all the was down the list are things like jobs, the economy, health care, the environment, and so on. Social Security reform is a sick joke at this point.

Just keep telling yourself we're number one. Maybe someday it'll be true. When monkeys fly out of my ass.

Feel like killing yourself in a shopping cart? Of course you do. Who doesn't? Check out the idiotarod. Coming at ya January 29, 2005.

And, I might need myself a moan tone. And I don't even have a cell phone…

From: Chris Subject: couple things Gutted to read your posts about Kyle. It was fun having him hang out in our camp at the Pueblo race last year. I could be wrong about this, but I think he was racing with a husband and wife duo team or something, and they only needed him to do one lap, so he did the run and the first lap, and then hung out drinking beer and enjoying himself for the rest of the race. When you had that thread on your forum up and running, I think Chipps posted a picture of someone bunny hopping the rear wheel into that 'DANGER' sign where the trail has a chicken route. That was Kyle. Also, I read the letter you got from Chris (Fuck Keith Bontrager). Keith posted something on the forum thread for Kyle anonymously. The first time he met Kyle he was on the road. After 20 minutes or so Kyle invited Keith back to his house to stay. Keith really liked him. I think if Keith had his druthers, this race would be dedicated to Kyle. In case we don't make the race, do me a favor and raise a glass to Kyle on our behalf? -Rubber Side Down

Hey man (er, sorry, Hey girl), you got it. We'll be raising pints that night. The story as I now understand it he helped out a guy who couldn't get into the solo category because it filled up so fast. So, Kyle did a lap and pretty much chilled out the rest of the time so the guy could bury himself with all the remaining laps.

The biggest reason I have very fuzzy recollections of all this is since I was riding solo, I had my head rammed so far up my ass by the end of it, I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

I only met the man once. And it was at the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo last year. Super cool guy. Man, this has been quite a year.

From: Hurl Subject: Convenient Parking BJ, That's a nice Modest Mouse paraphrase in your intro yesterday, which also happened to be my birthday (37). We tore shit up real good on the Wednesday Night Ride, riding across a frozen Lake Harriet and then shredded down a frozen Minnehaha Creek bed right thru the heart of Minneapplepuss, a group of turbo alcoholics on everything from Large Marge one speeds, to fender-clanging Huffy cruisers, to fixed gear road bikes. Five solid days of below zero temps meant no open water, but still allowed falling through the dry, crunchy layers of ice several times in a hopscotch cross race from hell. Riding under the creek's bridges without the luxury traction of 2" snowcover was extra special, ice so shiny it seemed a Zamboni had been across it. EVERYONE took turns falling DOWWWN! I'm sorry, but I really doubt there's anything as Hard Corpse as a Mpls. Mafia night ride. Digressions aside, back on the topic of drinking away the parts of the day that you cannot sleep away, just don't fall asleep at the wheel: t-n-t.us/archives/images/grolsch_accident.jpg And finally, a shameless plug: bikesatan.blogspot.com Don't Drive in '05

Well Happy Fucking Birthday.

And don't forget to check out livewrong.net for all your subversive needs. I can't wait to see a ton of pros rocking that shit this year. Oh yeah, you know it's going to happen. And speaking of pros, I got an email from Ron Hightower. Not sure if her really wanted this on drunkcyclist, but I did call him "Hightower". Check it out.

From: Ron Hightower Subject: 2005 Cycling Awards ok, it's here. it's that time of year when all the award shows are on TV and that means it's also time for the "8th ANNUAL, SPICE CHANNEL presented by BARTLES AND JAMES sponsored by PABST BLUE RIBBON, 2004 WIDE WORLD of CYCLING AWARDS" WARNING: some (ok, most) of the shit contained in this email is pretty fucking offensive. if you are an easily offended motherfucker and don't like that kind of foul shit you should probably stop reading now. so, enough bullshit. straight to the awards. The "SIX FLAGS" representing the best domestic ride of the year goes to Gord Fraser at tour of Georgia (applause). beating cippolini and armstrong in a sprint made this the only domestic ride that we heard about in italy, which is impressive enough in itself. it also made me look like a genius after i proferred Gord's name in a discussion of "the greatest sprinters in the world" a few weeks earlier. the "WELCOME BACK KOTTER" goes to the rider that is we are most happy to see back in cycling: Matt Decanio. it's gonna be a fucking pleasure to have someone with some personality and the balls to say some really interesting (and true) shit back in the mix. anyone know where he can get a good lease on a benz? the "WORLD TRADE CENTER" goes to the rider who is fixing to really blow up this year, Tom Danielson. after a rough year in the homeland, i have it (on good authority) that some good ol' fashioned payback is in order for Fassa. new team, new director (thank you very much), and a land line have danielson about to fucking kill it this year! the "TICKLE ME ELMO" award goes to Phil Zaijcek, the most likeable rider in the world. i mean, how can you not like this guy? talent, focus, humility, friendly...and what a macchina per caffe! the "SIERRA NEVADA" award for the best practical sponsor in the usa goes to...Sierra Nevada. i wonder what the fuck they kick down to the riders? and now that they merged with OFoto, you can get stupid fucking drunk and take pictures of it too! the "DOMINO'S PIZZA" 30-minutes or less award goes to Tim Johnson. 2-year contract, then back in 1 year--thanks chris! but then again, he is going from a Pro Tour team to jittery joes. is that what you call a lateral move? overheard at interbike: "sure, i know it's long and hard, but just how long and hard is it?" they were talking about the season. the "TONY SOPRANO" award goes to David Clinger. after going to Domina Vacanze to be the "next Mario Cippolini" and ripping his director on the way out, clinger raced last year like he was in the witness protection program. however, i have it on good authority that jon profaci saw him somewhere in georgia...rumor has it that he had put on 10kg in an attempt to disguise himself. the "SCOTTIE PIPPEN" award goes to...Mike Sayers. as Robin to Gord Fraser's Batman, sayers has had a prolific career as one of the sport's all-time best "strong men." apparently, hanging onto someone's coattails it a very effective method of developing upper body strength. the "ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON" award goes to the one rider who really didn't do it: Tyler Hamilton. however, it seems that hamilton is going to attempt to clear his name...ok, tyler, and while you're at it why don't you help the juice find the real killers too! by the way, while there is such a public show of support for hamilton, where the fuck are the "i believe adam" buttons? the "COPS" award goes to the only person stupid enough to believe the authorities when they tell you "just admit it and we'll let you go"--David Millar. shit man, at least try to lie! or do like our next award recipient and take as many down with you as you can. the "PC" award (as in protective custody) goes to Jesus Manzano. motherfucker sang like sinatra. oh, by the way, jesus, you might not want to show your face in the yard. the "I.N.S." award goes to a cyclist who has apparently been deported from his native country: Davide Frattini. after successfully making the leap from Alessio to Monex last season, frattini has proceeded to shaft his importers and has signed with an unnamed domestic squad in an obvious attempt to gain access to better pasta and olive oil. in boca al lupo, davide! the "MOST UNDERRATED" award goes to tucson rider Rob Alvarez. after countless wins on the saturday shootout, alvarez has finally signed with regional power Landis. what the fuck is healthnet waiting for? he kisses, er...i mean kicks your asses every week. sign the motherfucker! the "SHERYL CROW" award goes to the most overrated cycling girlfriend: Sheryl Crow. sure, she's not that hot, but she sure can't sing! i mean...player makes like 10-gazillion euro per year--get a fucking HOT girlfriend! oh, but then again, he is a cyclist. and finally, the last award goes to most everyone's "cyclist of the year" the "BITCH MOVE" award goes to Lance Armstrong for chasing down Filippo Simeoni and then saying he was doing it "to protect the sport." what's worse, is saying that all the other italians in the peloton were in accord. hmmm...not according to those i talked to and what i read in La Gazzetta dello Sport. but hey, what's wrong with a big, strong american bullying someone from another country? it's the american way, right? so there they are. don't like them? tough shit! i'm wrong? could be! i'm out.

Yeah, he's looking to make a lot of new friends in '05.

Whatever. I had a good laugh. In fact, I laughed my ass off.

And just when you thought 'ol Ron was finished, oh hell no. Another gigantic email showed up in my inbox.

And, of course, I'm looking to share it.

From: Ron Hightower Subject: LATEST CELEBRITY UPDATE as with most awards, THE SPICE CHANNEL presented by BARTLES AND JAMES sponsored by PABST BLUE RIBBON, 2004 WIDE WORLD of CYCLING AWARDS, have a way of drastically changing the lives of their recipients. so...we like to check up with the winners from time to time and see how it's going after the big presentation. here's the rundown: gord fraser: it seems that gord is taking his success in stride, and wants to give a shout out to his legs for being so fast. matt decanio: we caught up with matt while he was out doing some car shopping. decanio said that he's trying to "keep it real" in the wake of his win, and is currently working with ron hudson on legislation that would make it lawful for cyclists to discharge firearms within the city limits of tucson. tom danielson: tom is ostensibly settling into his new digs in "little usa," spain. danielson also reassured us that his telephone is fully operational. phil zajicek: as he geared up for stage 3 of the tour down under, we sat down and talked with phil about his up-and-down season and asked him how he liked racing on the continent with navigators. however, we were unable to get a response since zajicek spent most of the interview offering us homemade scones, various and sundry confections and cappucino. man, can that cat bake! tim johnson: after being directed to chris horner, nathan o'neill, tom danielson and trent klasna, our reporter got tired of saying "no! the other guy from saturn!" and gave up on getting a response from tim. david clinger: it seems as though clinger was actually offended at getting this prestigious award and reminded us (and accurately so) that between him, lance armstrong, and freddy rodriguez, american riders won no less than 6 stages in the three grand tours last season. geez...sorry! mike sayers: apparently mike was also offended by his victory, but was astute enough to use the accompanying notoriety to start a charitable foundation; and in a bold move, sayers started a scholarship fund. his first choice seems to be the high school diploma program, but according to mike "i've always dreamed of driving the big rigs," and "you don't need no diploma to do that." when asked if he planned on retiring after this season, sayers said that he would issue a statement after gord made a decision. tyler hamilton: we caught up with hamilton on the 15th tee at torrey pines, and before he called security on us, we did get a response to the allegations of doping when tyler said "other than the test results, they ain't got no evidence against me!" other notable celebrities in hamilton's foursome included jason giambi, barry bonds, and an unnamed veterinarian only referred to as "Dr. F". david millar: millar was unavailable for comment and is reportedly busy confessing for everything he has ever done wrong in his life. at the time of this report david was currently working his way through his teenage years. jesus manzano: manzano--on the other hand--wouldn't stop talking, and our reporter had to cut the interview short after his micro cassette recorder ran out of tape. davide frattini: despite his current professional contract, frattini informed us that he was in negotiations with an "elite 2" squad, and--at the end of the season--had plans to downgrade to "cat 2." according to his agent, davide is currently attempting to persuade long-time friend damiano cunego to ride the "baby giro" in 2005. rob alvarez: in an interview with rob, he expressed how privileged he felt to receive the award and always welcomes any positive exposure. however, he was unsure as to the source of the "ass-kissing" remark and reminded me that he had never been kicked off a healthnet ride, or beaten up by mike sayers on new year's eve. sheryl crow: crow was apparently in the studio beginning to record her upcoming album. therefore were asked to wait until the project was finished. we decided that since we were tight on time and the next bus came in only 20 minutes...well, we'd only have like, what? 5, 10 minutes max. we decided to go. lance armstrong: well, we tried and tried, but were unable to speak with "the man" himself. it seems as though lance and his lawyers were in the middle of some litigation against all those people who are making those annoying green, pink, blue and black plastic bracelets. apparently, armstrong and nike suing them for some copyright infringement. lance's main argument is that every person only has 2 wrists, and (if you have a nike watch on one of them) only one is really available for a "livestrong" bracelet. a statement issued by the armstrong camp states: "not only are we donating money to fund cancer research, but we're also doing this for the kids! five-tenths of a cent from every bracelet sold goes to pay the wages of every underage sweat-shop worker at every nike factory in cambodia, thailand and laos. sure, armstrong could donate half of his 20-gazillion-dollar-a-year income, but what would that leave for you to do? how would you feel like you were really contributing?" in an unrelated story, TV show "home makeover" and charitable foundation "habitat for humanity" were engaged in a bidding war over the rights to remodel armstrong's austin, texas mansion. more news to come soon...

My man Ron is out of his Goddamn mind…

God bless 'em.

And now, the bad news.

From: Big Tex Subject: No lantern rouge? Jake Rubelt failed to capture the Lantern Rouge on the final stage of the Tour of Siam. Going into the last day, he had the Lantern Rouge all wrapped up. After taking some time bonuses in the intermediate sprints, Jake was surpassed by Khanmachan Leothai of Thailand for the most time down from the leader. Leothai won the Lantern Rouge. This disappointment was highly overshadowed by Jake's Team (Giant Asia) taking 2nd and 6th in the general classification and finishing 3rd in the general team classification. Jake's team mate Ryan O'Connor came away with 3rd in the mountain points. Overall the team had great success even though each individual was just out of reach of being the best in their respected classifications.

Well, at least he went down swinging. Swinging his dick, that is.

I can't wait to see that race report outta 'ol Snake. He's been silent this whole time. I figure that's 'cause he's working out a fine manuscript for all the DC fans he's got. Yep. That's my story. That's what I'm going with.

I too know the pain of missing out on Lantern Rouge. It ain't as easy as one might think to come in dead fucking last. Oh, it's tough out there.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

sofia   I   marketa   I   katya

Yee haa, the Cowboy just started his second term. I could not be more pleased. What is it with the Bush's always throw'n the horns? And don't tell me it's a Texas thing. It's a Satan thing and we all fucking know it.

There is a raffle going on over at the Ridemonkey forums. *update, I flaked coding in that link last night. I should really get more sleep!* Mark Stone is putting it togther. All the proceeds are going to Kyle's parents, Deb and Harvey Bielenberg. If you have anything to add to the raffle, please contact Mark directly.

I might as well start telling you about my 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo plans for this year. The first time I did the Old Pueblo, it was Kyle, Dru, Yardsale and me. It was fun, and we were all hooked.

The next year, it was Kyle, Dru, Nate and me. After that Kyle and Dru raced duo against the Angry Hippy and me. (Kyle and Dru beat us, by the way) Last year, when I went solo, Dru was living back east with Kelly, and Kyle raced with a bunch of fast ass motherfuckers. I'm pretty sure they won whatever division they raced in. But, the results page for the 2004 Old Pueblo race is down at the moment and I can't recall the exact lineup or the placing. One of you guys want to email me with that?

Cool.

So, this year it's going to be Kelly, Dru, and Brian, who was Kyle's roommate, Kyle, and me. Yep. We're doing a five person coed team, and we will all be taking Kyle's race number out for a lap during the race.

Believe me when I say there are going to be some tough moments out there. But, this is the way Kyle would want it. And this is the way we're going to do it.

From: Subject: Yo Big J. This new movie, Off Road to Athens, detailing the trials and tribulations of the bikers attempt to make to the Olympics is gonna be heading your way. They have not announced the dates yet but you can check for viewing dates here...offroadtoathens.com/filmtour/index.htm and this is the main page - offroadtoathens.com. Local boy (well local to me) done good Jeremiah Bishop is featured in it, along with Todd Wells, Adam Craig and JHK. It looks to be pretty cool. I'm gonna try and catch it in Harrisonburg, VA and I'll try to send a review if I do.

I checked out the trailer, looks pretty cool. I look forward to that review. And, I see the film will be playing in Flagstaff, Phoenix and Tucson in the coming months. I don't know about the other venues, but the Orpheum in Flagstaff serves beer.

And we all know that's cool.

Good article on the Big and Bad SUV. Even if it was written a full year ago.

From: sean Subject: NYTimes.com Article: Pieces of Jazz History Head to Auction Block deep pyschic pain today, more than other days. was actually hoping for a killer tusnami to bash up the potomic, whatever collateral damage acceptable. the main problem w/having bush in whitehouse is that his leadership destroys the collective spirit of america. why do we do it? (actually, if you want to get technical, my state, county, township (suprisingly) all went vs. bushno suprise i feel like my country is being pimped out from under me/us. i will gladly meet any bush loving faggot for a throwdown (not to dis faggots) please print my name and address i will meet any bushlover and fuck them up the ass after i'm done with beating them senseless, unless they would enjoy it. happy happy happy lets go birds (unfortunately several birds came out as pro bush 11/02, maybe weight class restriction on the ass fucking) winter is finally here but no desert 4 hrs away for us. i hate hate hate love cosmo nytimes.com

I know, I left out his name and address. I figured he really doesn't need the barriage of "move to Canada" emails he would catch if I posted it.

But I did laugh like hell. And today, I needed it.

Maybe we all do.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

ummm, ladies   I   redhead for dave   I   & another…

Where do I begin? Where do I end? Some days you're just up against it. Some days you wish you could drink away the parts you can't sleep away. Some days you wish you were somewhere else, someone else.

Some days are not like others.

I really gave the old set of rollers a shot tonight. As you can probably guess, it didn't work out so good with the rollers and me. Oh well, there will be other times. Many, many more. For this is winter. And for a fat pussy like me, that means riding indoors.

Call me what you will, but I'm so fucking hardcore, I got a flat tire riding in my living room. Yeah, I know, how the fuck did you manage to do that?

And excellent question, one that deserves and equally excellent answer. And the answer is: I'm a dumbass.

I got a flat on Monday when I riding in the sunny warmth of Tucson. Ran through some glass and got a couple of good nicks in the tires. On little brown sliver of Satan's wrath punctured my rear tube, and I fixed it on the side of the road. I dug out the little bitch that flatted me, but I imagine I failed to get all of 'em. I must have left a few of his (or, her) brothers and sisters in the tire somewhere, because shit was fine yesterday. And all that bike has done is sit around hanging on a fucking hook.

So, I rode it for a half and hour and flatted the rear tire riding in my living room. Good thing I had a videotape of the '97 Giro to stare at, else I might have gone crazy.

What a fucking life I lead…

From: Chris Subject: fuck keith bontrager I was thinking that anybody that has a Kyle Bielenberg memorial wife beater should line up front row at Old Pueblo to represent the missing man. For anybody that doesn't have one... pull out the sharpie and make one! See ya down there. ride a bike

Wow.

I was going through some of Kyle's stuff tonight. I've got his original DC wife beater. And, his Mercatone Uno/Bianchi jersey.

It was last year on the 14th of February, as I was out there suffering through my first solo 24 hour race, that Marco Pantani died on the other side of the globe, in a hotel room, all alone.

The irony of all this is making that bottle of Kettle One in the freezer pretty damn appealing right about now.

And there is going to be a hell of a lot of drinking at the Old Pueblo this year.

Like my man Brian just wrote me, the live is evil and must be punished.

I've got some plans for this year's race. Let me sort it all out with my teammates and so forth and I'll let ya'll know about it.

From: Steven Subject: …and now for something completely different dood, i know lots of cycle dudes and dudettes will appreciate iron maiden. well, probably just the guys. anyway here is a link just for fun. let's give the politics a rest... spazoutny.com/ironmaiden.htm enjoy.

I did notice that website looks like shit with Firefox. But, use Explorer and you can actually read it. And, I would recommend reading it. Nothing really beats a good look at the Harry S. Truman High School Stoner All-Star Team. Good looking out Nicklebag Norman, Walter, Bobby, Poodlehead and Alistair P. Hollingsworth, III.

And, it makes a nice lead in to this for no discernable reason whatsoever.

From: Josh Subject: poop breath Ha haven't been around in a while to send you drunken ramblings but did get to share in the ill prepared food dept with ya this week. Anyway pistol e-mailed me with copious amounts of notes regarding mexico and how to find the chicas with good loving... even warned me about wearing weasel suits down where the drinking water is tasty. thanks for shooting him that e-mail for me went down to baja on my dakota with bob en tow... never "toured" before but aside from my bike being set up like a jackass due to lack of funds it was sweet to not be where they lie to you in the same language you speak... word on the street is you are going in for lipo(suck)tion in some southern zona chop shop so you will be at racing weight by end of the month. any comment? also what the fuck is up with the forum I was wasted the other night and wanted to talk shit on there.... instead I left with friends for the bar and well you know what people do at places like that... I call it "training" So with that in mind keep the faith that your "training" will get you through your rough patches and when its not... train harder, or give those strippers more coupons from chuck e cheese (see how many lap dances you an get next time for 10 coupons)

Life is too short not to spend most of it on a bike.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

bomb diggity   I   damn   I   I can die now…

You'll notice I started running a big link for the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo. It's one of the finest races we have here in Arizona and one you do not want to miss. I've done it for the past four years, and I'll be out there again this year. Come on out and turn a pedal in anger. It may just be the most fun you can have in the middle of February.

One man I'll be missing out there this year is Kyle Bielenberg. For the first two years we raced on the same four man team. We were on single speeds before there was a single speed class to race in. Then we busted up the squad and tried our hands at fielding two duo teams. Last year, I went for the solo experience, and Kyle raced his balls off with a collection of other Arizona tank heads.

When I say it won't be the same without him out there this year, it couldn't be more of an understatement.

From: Dave Subject: Sable the Whore Juan Fucking Grande: Roger that on Sable doing anything for money, we saw what he'd do for Nike/Trek gear on the OLN. Give that kid some cash and next thing we'll hear is that he's doing gay porn! Thanks for the redheads, you are one cold lamp'n motherfucker!

I'm thinking Sable would suck off farm animals if the price was right. And I'm probably not alone in that assumption.

Just kidding buddy, you know we at drunkcyclist love ya. And by "we" I mean pretty much me. There ain't non one else here at the moment. Can't really count the dog, she likes everyone. And she tongues her own ass.

A lot.

In fact, I see she's enjoying a little of that backside buffet right now.

This kid so deserves an A for effort. I mean, it's hard to write something that completely insane when the topic is supposed to be a character out of Greek Mythology.

The kid is fucking crazy. Dude, you get an A in my class. I laughed till I cried. And I'm talking about when I got to the part about Lou Gehrigs disease. About, oh, fifty words in. Tears. Fucking tears.

So, maybe it's all a bunch of bullshit? Maybe this really isn't some kids term paper? Who cares? Still funny as hell. I was waiting for him to start talking about his bow staff skills or his new favorite animal to draw, the "Liger".

I'm still saying fuck a hummer. That site has been around for a while now. I think I linked it a year ago. Good to see it's still going strong. And the galleries are chock full of new submissions. I laughed till I cried. Ok, not really, but I did laugh.

There's been enough crying up in here tonight.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: RE: Your boys looked good Birds/Pats is gonna be a great super bowl. No way Vick beats the Philly D with his arm, and when those guys hit someone, they pretty much stay hit. He gets his hundred on the ground, Atlanta gets crushed. Next.

I'm about as happy as a man could be after that game. Fuck. Go Eagles.

Blingy blingy blingspeed. Check it out. They've got a few bikes listed already. I'll bet it gets huge quick.

If case you're wondering (and boy was I ever) just where in the world Snake is getting his fucking ass handed to him, look no further. Boys and girls, friends and neighbors, Snake is currently racing in the Tour of Siam.

And, yes, you have to scroll way down the page to see the guys who barely made the time cut. In his defense, I can't imagine doing the Colorado State Cross Series is much of a preparation for a 204k stage on the other side of the globe in mid February. And, then there's that heat and humidity to deal with.

From: Tom W. Subject: Whisker Biscuit? Maybe this is why they are so confused in the red states: sbtoutdoors.com/whisker.htm

Yeah, it's beyond me. And I'm blue in a red state.

I'd make a comment or two about the photo section of that webpage but my Momma always said, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

And you see how far that's gotten me.

From: Adam S. Subject: cnn.com/2005/LAW/01/13/evolution.textbooks.ruling/index.html I fucking love it! "Rather, the distinction of evolution as a theory rather than a fact is the distinction that religiously motivated individuals have specifically asked school boards to make in the most recent anti-evolution movement, and that was exactly what parents in Cobb County did in this case," he wrote. "By adopting this specific language, even if at the direction of counsel, the Cobb County School Board appears to have sided with these religiously motivated individuals." The sticker, he said, sends "a message that the school board agrees with the beliefs of Christian fundamentalists and creationists."

Yep. There's a lot to love in there.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

bauble   I   shower   I   sofa

The new line for the day: Do you want to be Maren-ated?

Rode for three and a half hours for the first time this year. Had to drive to Tucson to do it. Go figure. How the fuck does that work?

I shouldn't complain. At least I can drive to Tucson and ride my bike in January. Plenty of folks around the country have it far worse than I do. Kinda hard to remember that in this me-I society. Or something along those lines anyway.

It sounded good when I first thought of it. Type it out and read it twice and it sounds like a load of horseshit. Maybe it's the beer talking.

I've been corrected. I'm sitting in the "breakfast nook". Panda tells me this is not the kitchen table. Well, asschurl, this looks like a fucking kitchen table to me. And, I can see the stove, sink and coffee machine from where I'm sitting.

But, this is a breakfast nook.

You know, just in case you were wondering about that.

From: Big Tex Tullous Subject: Nice legs Snake, Good luck over there in a couple of hours. Rip their legs off! What's up with the teams' legs in the photo? Did they tell ya'll to flex or somethin'? And let your teammates know about the black socks. White's no good. They need a tan, too. You know I'm just jealous. Nice to see you sporting the DC logo and lettin' all of Asia know where it's at.

Here is the pic of Snake's race team. I can't even remember the name of that race...

From: Chipps Subject: BBC Hello old chappie... Wondered how widespread this news was made in the USA... bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4169107.stm Cheers matey

It ain't playin to beat the band, I'll tell you that much…

It's like we're almost forgetting the "reason" we went to war in the first place. And since part of George's concept of leadership is "never saying you where wrong" means, well, he'll never admit he was wrong.

What a mess.

Check out engrish.com.

From: Sable Subject: go birds… hey jonny....true to philadelphia form I already have an upset stomach.......bad gut feeling. hopefully this will cheer you up as much as it cheered me up. oh yeah and one other thing...."team Discovery" picked the lamest colors for their team kit ever.....they look like a bad Ouickstep knock off.....obviously they decided to make the uniform so it would appeal to the middle age american male masses.....you couldn't pay me to wear a uniform that ugly, well actually if i got paid i would pretty much do anything!!!!! go eagles

Go Eagles. For now and forever.

From: Brad Q. Subject: not one damn dime my ass This Not One Damn Dime Day bullshit is pretty sickening. Doing nothing isn't activism. If you're pissed, take it to the streets. Rebuild your communities. Hand out literature on the street. Refuse to go to work. Wheatpaste your local business district. Bust up your local military recruiting station. Do something. Doing nothing achieves nothing. This Not One Damn Dime Day is just mental masturbation to make people feel like their opposing the government without taking any real action or risk. I'll be in the streets of DC.

Lets just say it's a start. It can only get better from here on out. Because, after Bush starts his second term, it really can't get any worse.

From: Finch Subject: I don't get it Please explain why punishing retailers (me) has anything to do with our cocksucking president and his idiotic policies PLEASE!? WFT?!

Um.

I got nothing.

I'll end it with this. Think of it as a public service announcement.

From: CA Subject: Registration, smegistration! Hey, Jonny -- Your recent columns have contained links to both the Washington Post and the New York Times websites. Both of these require readers to register in order to read their contents. Registration is free, but it's also a PITA, and what do they need to know your job title for, the nosy bastards? Bug Me Not! (at bugmenot.com/) hosts a database of registration logins and passwords for free sites. Just go there, pump in the URL of the website you're looking for, and more likely than not you'll get valid codes for these sites. You can also contribute your own, if you're generous, so that others can use them. Alas, Bug Me Not! doesn't work for those nice for-pay sites that we all know and love ... no, http://www.Playboy.com, http://www.GingerLynn.com, http://www.CockRing.org, etc., won't work in Bug Me Not!. (Uh, no, I didn't really try the last one. Well, oh, all right, I did! But just because I wanted to make *sure*!) Also, if you do register for a site, you might not want to give them your standard email address, lest the mean fucks distribute it for spam. Assuming that you don't care if the world sees your registration codes, give them an address at Dodgeit.com. For example, plug in "jonny@dodgeit.com" as the email you where want your registration codes sent. Then go to http://www.Dodgeit.com, and enter "jonny" into the edit box. You'll see a list of the last 50 emails that were sent to that address. One of the recent ones (at the top) will probably be your registration information. If it's not, come back to this page in a little while and refresh it, and it'll be there. Dodgeit email addresses are receive-only. You can't send email from Dodgeit, so it's kind of like an on-line trash bin that you can sift through when you want to. This makes it great for catching spam.

Friday, January 14, 2005

young gun   I   hola chica   I   redhead for dave

Sitting in Panda's kitchen with the Gnome. Down in Tucson, post a little No Anchovies action, we're the same two losers we were yesterday. We just drove 300 miles to do the same damn thing we do at home.

Go figure.

I guess some things never change. Anyway, tomorrow we ride. Tonight we'll have to occupy ourselves with other pursuits. I'm sure we'll think up something to do. The only thing I can suggest, is anything that tears me away from this fucking machine. I'm beginning to thing I'm tied to these damn computers. Sad, in a way, and not so sad in others. Without the internet as my portal to the world, sitting around by my self like this would seem depressing.

I could try my chances at whateverthefuck conversation BGR and Maven are having about digging up skeletons in the living room. On second thought, I'll stay here where it's warm and safe.

Did I mention I'm pretty much over my cold. And I couldn't be happier about it.

From: Jon S. Subject: Not One Damn Dime Day"--Inauguration Day--1/20/2005 Not One Damn Dime Day - Jan 20, 2005 Since our religious leaders will not speak out against the war in Iraq, since our political leaders don't have the moral courage to oppose it, Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005 is "Not One Damn Dime Day" in America. On "Not One Damn Dime Day" those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending. During "Not One Damn Dime Day" please don't spend money. Not one damn dime for gasoline. Not one damn dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Not one damn dime for nothing for 24 hours. On "Not One Damn Dime Day," please boycott Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target... Please don't go to the mall or the local convenience store. Please don't buy any fast food (or any groceries at all for that matter). For 24 hours, please do what you can to shut the retail economy down. The object is simple. Remind the people in power that the war in Iraq is immoral and illegal; that they are responsible for starting it and that it is their responsibility to stop it. "Not One Damn Dime Day" is to remind them, too, that they work for the people of the United States of America, not for the international corporations and K Street lobbyists who represent the corporations and funnel cash into American politics. "Not One Damn Dime Day" is about supporting the troops. Now 1,200 young Americans and an estimated 100,000 Iraqis have died. The politicians owe our troops a plan-- a way to come home. There's no rally to attend. No marching to do. No left or right wing agenda to rant about. On "Not One Damn Dime Day" you take action by doing nothing. You open your mouth by keeping your wallet closed. For 24 hours, nothing gets spent, not one damn dime, to remind our religious leaders and our politicians of their moral responsibility to end the war in Iraq and give America back to the people. Please share this email with as many people as possible.

Well, I'd call this "sharing" the email with as many people as possible. And, not only will this webmaster refrain from dropping any coin that day, I happen to know of a major bike company that has made it policy that nothing is to be purchased on November 20th.

I'd like to see some more of you step up to the plate.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

jade   I   angel   I   lesbians rule

I'll be heading out of town this weekend, for the first time in far to long. I'm heading for the promise of sunshine, warmth and road miles. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about Tucson. Where the men are gayroadiefagcyclists and the women are the hottest in the state. Tucson, how I love thee.

This time last year, I checked my old schedule, I was riding a 16 hour week, with two back to back big ass five hour rides on the weekend. This year, I'm just coming off being sick, and will most likely ride a total of five hours for the whole week, all of it being on the weekend. How much thing change.

Of course, last year I got sick at the end of January. So, maybe it's more like, the more things change, the more they stay the same?

Sorta like the Eagles. The more thing change, new acquisitions, new players, the more they stay the same, I've got a pit in my stomach as the playoffs loom.

Randy Moss, this Sunday, in Philly. Think he'll be looking to pull a stunt like the one he did in Green Bay? Yeah. I'll bet he will. Who you think the fans will kill fist, him or Pinkston?

God damn it Pinkston, you had better learn how to take a hit going over the middle by this Sunday. You puss out against the Vikings, and I may well empty my bank account, point the car eastward and make the sum total of my existence on this earth finding your sissy ass. You owe me, Pinkston, after last year. You personally owe me.

Make the catch, take the hit, make the big play. Do it for Philly. Do it for all of us. Do it for yourself.

Fourth NFC Championship game in as many years. Without Terrell Owens.

Oh, the horror.

If the Eagles end up with three fucking points on the board again, I don't know what I'll do.

And the things that come to mind aren't pretty.

Bring on the jokes.

Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet. In a year's time, whichever family had become more American would win. A year later they met again. The first man said: "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud... ... how about you?" The second man replied: "Fuck you, towel head."

I like Firefox, you like Firefox, we all like Firefox.

From: Victor Subject: FIREFOX PROPS DUDE, YOU JUST SOLVED MY FUCKING ENDLESS WEEKS OF SCREAMING AT MY GODDAMN COMPUTER!!!!! ITS THE FUCKING INTERNET EXPLORER THAT HAS BEEN SCREWING ME THESE LAST WEEKS, I AM THE MOST NON COMPUTER LITERATE GUY IN THE WORLD AND DON'T KEEP CURRENT WITH SHIT. SO INSTEAD I GOT MY INFO FROM NONE OTHER THAN YOU ON THE FUCKING DRUNKCYCLIST... YET ANOTHER REASON OF THE MILLIONS OF REASONS TO TELL ALL OF MY FRIENDS... YOU INDEED ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT.. THANKS MAN VICTOR S. CHARLESTON, WEST BY FUCKING GOD VIRGINIA

Firefox. A browser that works. Make the switch today. You can download that fucker for free at mozilla.org/products/firefox.

Then, pair that up with a good spyware and adware remover like ad-aware from lavasoft and you're ready to get your machine fixed up and ready to rumble. Can you smell what the Gnome is cooking?

This would rate as one of the good things.

From: Erik S. Subject: Johnny, I don't know if you do this kind of thing but I know you're a big cross fan. If you could post this it would go a long way in helping out a promising group of juniors riders get to this years world championships in Germany without putting their families into debt for the next decade. doperssuck.com Buy Coffee send a kid to worlds. Not a bad deal.

Right on. Drink coffee and send kids across the pond to take on the world's top riders. Very cool.

From: PK Subject: "I met Ann Coulter" and I think she's a cunt Big Johnny, Thanks for posting the Ann Coulter interview. I read it and now I feel like going homicidal on every craptastic Republican I know. I'll be calling you from jail. Oh yeah, WTF... "I think it would be fun to nuke North Korea"??? Goddamn, what a crazy bitch.

Yeah, she's a freak. I can't wait till she gets busted in some seedy hotel room, and comes up as the drug addicted, sex crazed freak that we all know she is. Maybe a sex tape will surface and we'll all get to see her gettin' freaky freaky screaming shit like "Christ was a Jew!" while taking pole from two or three young republicans on one of her campus tours.

Or doing lines of coke off Paris Hiltons tits.

That'd be the day.

When livin' strong is livin' wrong.

From: Matt Subject: LIVESTRONG Porn Jonny, You have to keep your eyes peeled for this kind of stuff. wannawatch.com/hosted/index.php?wsc/swpro/ispycameltoe_mov45 It's good to see these types supporting a good cause! Now It will be really cool when LIVEWRONGs appear in porn.

More of it out there than you'd think. Check this next one.

From: Chris Subject: Maybe this is the place for a livewrong bracelet Flipping through the riff raff and killing the day, I saw this: wannawatch.com/hosted/index.php?ws/cosis/barefootmaniacs_mov25 Check the left wrist of the fellow making a deposit on the young woman's feet. And who said sex workers had no conscience? Yipes

Damn. That's all I gotta say. Damn. Must me a wanna watch thing? And, remeber kids, you can get your very own live wrong armband at livewrong.net.

Read about Bush's mark on history.

That's it. I'm done. See you all in hell.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

on a bike   I   oh my   I   tasty

Why is it guys like Tom Delay come to mind when I think of the word "asshole"? Could it be because he is an asshole? I'd say the odds are pretty good on that one. Oh, don't even get me started on the evil, twisted men who run our country. Did you catch drift of this leaked memo on how to sell the Social Security crisis? They consider it the greatest possible achievement of the century. Oops, I mean, one of the most significant conservative governing achievements ever.

This is the greatest battle they could wage and win. This they want to achieve, 86'n Social Security and any other pieces of the New Deal they can get there hands on. While there are people in this country with no health insurance, people dying everyday in Iraq, things that are now, that are here, not 75 fucking years down the road in some "it might be bad" scenario. And this is the battle they will wage. That, and regime change. Ok, regime is changed, why are we still there? And thinking of sending more troops? Oh yeah, because it's all fucked up. You want me to trust you to fix a system that is working, when you completely bitched up your little Iraq adventure? How 'bout you try one thing at a time, tough guy. You know, then we'll talk about multi-tasking.

Because it really is worse than fiction.

From: Michael Subject: For the Jesus Freaks This link should really piss off some the jesus freaks out there. Click abuse me and hear what Jesus really thinks. starterupsteve.com/swf/swearingjesus.html

Did I mention that I love me some firefox? Ok, maybe I didn't. But, I've been running it for a few weeks, and I'm impressed. Now go check out Milwaukee Cycles.

From: MoveOn.org Subject: Don't use government funds for propaganda On Friday, the Bush administration admitted that it secretly paid conservative commentator Armstrong Williams $240,000 to promote its controversial No Child Left Behind program [1]. And Williams claims that he wasn't the only person on the payroll -- that there are other pundits who have taken bribes to support the Bush administration's programs [2]. In fact, this is only the latest -- and most outrageous -- example of the Bush administration's repeated practice of using public funds for propaganda. Last year, when the Bush administration paid actors to play journalists in fake news reports promoting the Medicare bill, a government investigation called those videos an illegal use of taxpayer funds -- but no one was punished. And just last week, the White House's drug control office was caught doing the same thing [3]. It's illegal for Bush to use taxpayers' money to propagandize on behalf of his programs, and it's time for this to stop. But while Democratic leaders in the House and Senate are calling on President Bush to take back the bribe and to come clean about any other pay-offs for good coverage [4], most Republicans are silent. It's time for them to take a firm stand against this manipulation of the media and misuse of our money. Footnotes: 1. "Education Dept. paid commentator to promote law," USA Today, January 7, 2005 usatoday.com/news/washington/2005-01-06-williams-whitehouse_x.htm 2. "Armstrong Williams: I Am Not Alone," The Nation, January 10, 2005 thenation.com/capitalgames/index.mhtml?bid=3&pid=2114 3. Government Accountability Office report on Office of National Drug Control Policy Video News Release gao.gov/decisions/appro/303495.htm 4. Letter from Senators Lautenberg, Kennedy, and Reid lautenberg.senate.gov/~lautenberg/press/2003/01/2005107954.html Letter from Representatives Pelosi, Waxman, Obey, Miller, and Cummings democraticleader.house.gov/press/releases.cfm?pressReleaseID=804

You know, I always kinda wondered about those assclown rightwing pundits. I've always assumed they did it for the money. It's gotta be the money, right? They don't actually believe the shit they're saying, do they? Bill O'Reilly? Ann Coulter? Rush Limbaugh? They all bring in some major league bread. 'Cept that brilliant Michelle Malkin. She coughs it all up to her pimp. No big take home for her. Good work, dummy. You could at least land yourself a quarter mil for spewing that trash like Williams did. Shit. Rush makes a shit ton of money acting like a complete doochebag. People just eat it up. And I'm sitting in my underwear, typing away on the kitchen counter with this fucking laptop… Ah, it kills me. Maybe if I slam my dick in a drawer a whole bunch of times, I can get mad enough to start writing shit like those assclowns.

Then again, probably not. I'd just end up with a broken penis. Try explaining that one to your wife.

Lemme see if I got this right: Terrell Owens said Jeff Garcia might be gay. Garcia dates this girl, who on trial for beating up his previous girlfriend. Did you see that chick? Yeah, she was in Playboy.

Um, yeah. Garcia is 100% not gay.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

hello ladies   I   see you in hell   I   redhead for dave

My cold has settled in for the long haul. It's been alternating all day between rain and show, with a heavy emphasis on gloom. This place sucks ass. I pretty much hate this winter shit. And yeah, I live in the mountains. I know. it's self inflicted. I'm a fucking dumbass.

So what else is new?

Results are up from last weekends bike race. Yeah, the one I missed. See 'em here.

All hail the Dark Lord.

More on Johan Museeuw.

From: Tres Subject: Museeuw Fuck. Another hero down the tubes, and an old guy too. Watching him crush guys ten years his junior made the looming big 5-0 somehow easier to imagine. I guess at least I can stop being so bummed about his near miss at Roubaix last year.....

Don't sweat it. The guys he beat were on dope too. And, check out the article over at daily peloton.

He's still a hero.

From: Ryan Subject: Frozen in Time Icebike Race Ladies and gents, In the spirit of brain damaged cyclist across the lands who just can't seem to hang up their rides during the winter months, Missing Link Racing will be holding the first annual Frozen in Time Icebike Race in Park City on March 12th. This will be a time trial format mountain bike race on the Nordic track at the PC Municipal Golf Course with proceeds going to support the Trails Program of the International Mountain Biking Association (IMBA). For more information and for registration visit our web site at missinglinkracing.org/utah.html See you on the snow!

Well, you won't see me there. But have a good time anyway.

Philly Phorever. Or something to that effect. Read on, dear friends.

From: Corey the Courier Subject: '04 Ending with a bang Forget about it. I've found a better girl for my quiet evenings. Miss Mushroom is out of luck. A lady friend goes to Washington DC to visit her family. I wanted to see her for New Year's Eve, but have no car so.... I decided to ride my bike from Philly to Washington DC. I don't know the exact mileage, but it is a 2.5/3 hour drive. The route was a bit difficult to plan as most roads in Maryland are designed specifically without bikes in mind. I thought I'd take route 1 because it is mostly on local roads and goes pretty close to where I was headed just outside of DC. My friends in the bike shop told me to loop through Delaware as a coastal state would have less climbing than southeastern Pennsylvania. The travel plans were changed and on the following morning, New Year's Eve, I left on another epic ride. The weather forecast was an unusual upper 50's for the day in Philly, 60's for DC. Rain was expected as well, but was a welcome no-show. I rode away from Philly and it's familiar suburbs, unsure of what the roads ahead would hold. I got lost in Wilmington, Delaware, as there were no visible signs for Route 13 leaving town. Although friendly, everyone at the Dunkin' Donuts had a different set of directions to get me on the right path. I chose the most dangerous and direct route which involved traveling for a mile along a highway. As I rolled along trying to go from the left side shoulder to the right side shoulder (with cars speeding pass at 55 mph) I got a loud horn and a whazzup from an old bike messenger buddy hanging out of his window while driving a huge 18 wheeler. I later stopped at McDonald's to eat several double cheeseburgers and apple pies. To hell with salads and fish, I needed fuel for the long haul. I rode several more miles, getting pulled over by the police in Havre de Grace, Maryland for illegally crossing a bridge on a bike. Yeah, I saw the sign that said "NO BICYCLES", but I didn't feel like waiting to see if I would have gotten a ride hitchhiking while wearing some crazy ass spandex. I put the warning citation in my pocket, wished the cop a good day and rode some more. I stopped at another McD's just before Baltimore, getting more double cheeseburgers, sampling their fries and shakes to keep the engine on full. Baltimore is one ugly city. I rode out of town, arriving at my final destination at sundown. For the rest of the weekend I began or ended every type of activity with a meal. All of the Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas blubber and booze had been metabolized during that 10 hour period. Fitness can be had quickly despite months of hard drinking. Just pick a destination over 150 miles away from your house and ride to it (in one day!).

Ah yes, the things we do for love. Or, pussy. Or both.

And speaking of Philly…

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: What the fuck is wrong with my boys? Not sending Todd Pinkontheinside down the road after he got punked in two consecutive games was a huge fucking mistake. By keeping him around they made his shame their shame. Here's another cool Philly story to help dull the pain: Philly Tale No. 1 comes from reader Philip L., who illustrates the depth of the Eagles fan's depravity: "One of my buddies," writes Philip L., "used to dress up for important games -- Monday night games, playoff games, Dallas games -- as 'Box Man.' He dressed, head-to-toe, in a suit of Rolling Rock boxes, with the Eagles symbol cut out on the chest. He could barely move. After a playoff game in January of '02, the pipes burst in a 700 Level bathroom. Toilet water was everywhere, and created a slushy, slippery mess on the ramps." "After the Birds won," Philip L. continues, "Box Man slid the entire length of the ramps, with a spectacular wipeout at each landing." Box Man, apparently, could have run for King of Philly that night, so wild was the reaction to Box Man sliding down the ramps, the cardboard gliding over the, um, moisture. "By the end," says Philip L., "there were so many people cheering his idiocy, you would have thought Donovan had thrown a 60-yard bomb for a TD."

'Ol Pinky's getting one more chance. You fuck up this week, and the fans will charge onto the field and tear you apart, you rat fuck.

There. I feel much better.

Anyone for a little Tyler?

From: Christopher Subject: Tyler Dear Big J. and Gnome I never want to read about his fucking dead dog and twin puppy dogs again. Just because he looks and talks like Oppie Taylor or Ritchie Cunningham don't mean he is. Those boys would have come clean on the blood brotherhood secret handshake. Or would have used their own blood anyway Dear Tyler, there is only one "incredible story". Please don't write a book about dog loving and how they motivate you or dirt worshiping or whatever the fuck it is. Phonak is done. The deep pockets are pissed regardless weather or not you are guilty; net result: you lose. I happen to think you got fucked BTW. Time to spend your money wisely. Now look us all on the eye and tell us you are going to Manchester to break the hour record and just do it. Then tell the UCI and all to fuck off like a man. That's what The Fonz would have done dumbass!

The Hour. Now that would be something.

Ah, the mail. The fucking mail. Just tons of it. Well, enough about that. Back at it…

From: cole Subject: No Subject channels.aimtoday.com/news/story.jsp my name is cole and i am a bike junkie. man...it's gettin easier to say that every time. well i like all the porn man. you do a great job of peddling smut. i hear your almost just as good on a bike. my buddy mark is movin your way to suckson, az. so give him some shit if your in the area...i think you know him. well i was readin this article and the best part is when it says that the ruling rubber was "able to take the most punishment" yeah that was pretty fitting (no pun intended) to the article. well hope you post my link or maybe a shout out to the boys at the starbucks of bike shops, supergo fountain valley (the other ones suck)! yeah we all love your porn over here. peace, love, happy trails, and don't forget to teach the kids about marijuana.

Word up. Hey, how 'bout that Gonzales cat? Ain't he just a barrel of fucking laughs? They love 'em out in Pittsburgh. I hope they give him plenty of stick up on the hill. Kinda looks like they are already. I wonder just how tough 'ol Arlen "backpedal" Specter is going to be throughout these hearings?

Lots of links coming at ya pretty soon. You might want to be checking out bug me not for this onel. Either that or use a throw away hotmail addy for this shit. Good artilces, worth your time. And, yes, I actually read all of them.

From: Adam S. Subject: dudeman you gotta get the word out about this gonzalez mofo, attny general for hire. fucking rat bastard: washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A48446-2005Jan4.html?sub=AR "They asked for a legal review -- the first ever by the government -- of how much pain and suffering a U.S. intelligence officer could inflict on a prisoner without violating a 1994 law that imposes severe penalties, including life imprisonment and execution, on convicted torturers. The Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel took up the task, and at least twice during the drafting, top administration officials were briefed on the results." washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A48618-2005Jan4.html "It was Gonzales who led the administration's internal discussion of what qualified as torture. It was Gonzales who advised the president that the Geneva Conventions did not apply to people captured in Afghanistan. It was Gonzales who helped craft some of the administration's worst domestic decisions, including the indefinite detention, without access to lawyers, of U.S. citizens Jose Padilla and Yaser Esam Hamdi. "By nominating Gonzales to his Cabinet, the president has demonstrated not only that he is undisturbed by these aberrations, but that he still doesn't understand the nature of the international conflict which he says he is fighting. Like communism, radical Islam is an ideology that people will die for. To fight it, the United States needs not just to show off its fancy weapons systems but also to prove to the Islamic world that democratic values, in some moderate Islamic form, will give them better lives. "White House counsel Alberto R. Gonzales chaired the meetings on this issue, which included detailed descriptions of interrogation techniques such as "waterboarding," a tactic intended to make detainees feel as if they are drowning. He raised no objections and, without consulting military and State Department experts in the laws of torture and war, approved an August 2002 memo that gave CIA interrogators the legal blessings they sought. washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A45727-2005Jan3.html "A dozen high-ranking retired military officers took the unusual step yesterday of signing a letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee expressing "deep concern" over the nomination of White House counsel Alberto R. Gonzales as attorney general, marking a rare military foray into the debate over a civilian post." washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A51032-2005Jan5.html "U.S. Army doctors violated the Geneva Conventions by helping intelligence officers carry out abusive interrogations at military detention centers, perhaps participating in torture, according to a report in today's edition of the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine." as crispin writes it: "when they say "freedom," they mean "our power." infuckingdeed.

You can read more of Crispin Sartwell's stuff over at eye of the storm.

Ever hear of a "no bike" rule? I hadn't either. Check this out, seems that in the sleepy little hamlet of Lawson, Missouri, you can get a ticket for riding your bike in a "no bike zone". It happened to Ed Chasteen, it could happen to you.

From: Jason Subject: extra bike shit for victims in SE Asia Hey, Johnny. Love the site. I check it every day. Since you seem to talk about social justice on the site, I had an idea for you. I don't have a ton of money. But relative to a bunch of people in the world, I am a lucky son of a bitch. We cyclists are probably better off than most of the people in the world, including the tsunami victims. Every bike person you know has extra bike gear. An older bike they don't ride, spare wheels, forks, etc. Just stuff we are hanging on to. I am asking you to post something challenging people to think about this, and to consider ebaying extra shit they don't need and sending the cash to an aid organization. Those people over there are completely fucked. Thanks for your time, and thanks for the site.

Don't mention it. You've got yourself a great idea. I hope it takes off in a big way.

Monday, January 10, 2005

stormy waters   I   dita   I   jessica

Home sick from work. Good times. I wish I could say I'm playing hookie like Huck Finn, working up a nice collection of catfish and smoking a pipe. Or, up to no good like Ferris Bueller.

Instead I'm working on my second cup of Theraflu after sleeping past 2 two in the afternoon.

I just don't get why these colds always fuck with your sleep schedule so much. Last I'm tossing and turning till 3:00 am with nary a hint of sleep. Then, the walls come a tumbling down and I'm down for the count for nearly 11 hours of dreamy, tranced out, drug-like weirdness.

Tack that on to the whole fever/chill scnario and you got yourself a real fucking party. I'm hot, I'm cold. I'm hot again. I'm freezing my nuts off then I'm sweating my ass off.

Kinda end up leaving you with no ass or nuts, doesn't it?

Museeuw: "I have 52."

Landuyt: "Take salt and drink a lot."

Museeuw: "I still have 52."

Landuyt: "Snuff salt and drink a lot."

Read the rest over at cyclingnews.com.

Does driving an SUV make you stupid? Maybe. How should I know?

Sunday, January 9, 2005

swimmer   I   I got nothin...   I   no shit.

In yesterdays update I posted an email stating the US has only given $35 million to the Tsunami relief. Well, it's up to way more than that. And if I hadn't have been so lazy I would have easily found a news link stating such. As is stands, I was lazy and didn't link shit. It seems I rather misstated the fact, and now I'm correcting it.

I'd post one of the ten emails I received on the subject (good looking out fellas) but I haven't taken the time to set up my email on this machine. More on that later.

Ok, that aside, I'm sick as a fucking dog. Good thing I didn't brave the weather and go racing this weekend. Not only would I have undoubtedly put the Big Gray Whale in a ditch, but I would have totally clobbered myself even more than I already have. If sleeping in my own bed for ten hours at a stretch ain't doing it, I can't imagine what camping in the rain would have done.

I mean, besides outright fucking kill me.

So, I've spend these last two days watching the snow. Then the rain. Then more rain. And I've entertained the shit outta myself with my "hotrod the wife's laptop" project. Yep, I've given up the archaic desktop machine for a sporty new model. She's sleek, light, and faster than shit.

When it came time to pop in some more ram, I didn't stop at a measly 512. Oh now, I went with the gig. And fuck me is this thing a rock star.

I can say that now, after installing all the necessary shit to make this little bitch work. I don't ask for much, but it sure took a couple of hours. A nice clean install of XP Pro, Microsoft Office and Dreamweaver MX. The virus shit can wait till tomorrow as I can't image I could get myself in much trouble tonight.

That said, I'm sure to doom myself somehow.

Anyway, the new (to me anyway) laptop seems to be the ticket. And, it's all paid for. Sure, I'd like to leave Microsoft in my wake and step up to a Mac, but that shit costs money. Way more than some additional ram. And, I've already got all this fucking PC software. It'd be like starting from scratch. And that shit just scares me.

I did get in a little quality time with a new book. I picked up Joseph Wilson's The Politics of Truth over at Bookman's for $13 bucks. Yeah, you can call that a score.

And the way this week's been going, I'll take what I can get. So far, what I've managed to "get" is food poisoning, bad weather, a cold and a missed race I already ponied up the $35 dollar entry fee for.

Yeah, I know, Jesus fucking hates me. What else is new?

Take a good hard look at the first 1,000 American service men and women who have died in Iraq.

I did. And it floored me.

My cold (yes it's a cold now) is in full swing. So I spent the day in an attempt to placate the bastard with booze. At least a little bit. And, wouldn't you know it, it worked.

I feel a whole lot better.

At least for now anyway. Damn tomorrow, full speed ahead.

Nah, I'm exaggerating. Tomorrow is going to be great. Tonight: I sleep like the dead. I put down a couple of toddy's. Markers Mark seems to do quite well. And where that lagged, the Kettle One stepped in a took over. Throw one hot ass Tai meal in the mix, and well, I've done some damage. Hopefully, more to the cold than to me, but that awaits to be seen.

I likes me some modern drunkard.

It's time I dig in the crates and post some of this email I've been hoarding. Mine! All mine!

From: C. Subject: The Fuckwit Vote Your 12/22 entry contains a link to the 12/17 transcript for _NOW with Bill Moyers_ (at pbs.org/now/transcript/transcript351_full.html ). There, it says: ------------ MOYERS: Consider this: as people were preparing to vote this November, a Harris Poll found that 41% of American adults still bought the line that Saddam Hussein helped plan the September 11th attacks on the U.S. Although there was never a shred of evidence to support that, and even after the official 9/11 commission said there was no evidence, the constant drumbeat of a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda continued to reverberate through the echo chamber of right wing talk radio and Rupert Murdoch's media empire. ------------ That's the key to what I call, "The Fuckwit Vote." What's the Fuckwit Vote? Well, it's the new method to get elected from the right! How do you use it? First, you build your core support of gun owners and evangelical Christians. Which is to say, if you own a gun or go to an evangelical church, and you voted, then you voted for George W. Bush and for any other candidates in your neck of the gulch who supports George W. Bush. Add to them the rich and richer and super-rich, who simply don't want to pay taxes, and tell them that they won't -- not on corporate income, not on capital gains, and certainly not on inheritances. Then you recognize that large numbers of people didn't watch any of the three debates, don't look at Sunday morning talking heads programs, avoid All Things Considered, and so on, and so they never really get informed. They could if they want to, but sorry to say, they choose not to. These are the Fuckwits. They are ignorant by choice. They also feel powerless, afraid, that things are out-of-control, and that the world they've been handed by the party in power during their parents' time didn't ensure their safety, security or financial well being. And their fear is real. It's natural to feel afraid for your family, yourself, and your futures if your dad worked in a factory at union scale, while the best you can do is minimum wage at Winn-Dixie. So you chant, and keep chanting the Fuckwit Mantra: "... 9/11 ... Saddam ... Weapons of Mass Destruction ... Terrorism ... Saddam ... 9/11 ..." Repeat this over and over. Do this especially in ten key states where the electoral votes are on the line. The Fuckwits are highly susceptible to the Fuckwit Mantra. Reach them with it, get them to switch off the NASCAR channel to go and vote, and they're yours. Lump them in with the religion & gun nuts, and the rich, and there's your coalition! Congratulations! You're elected! Once elected, you can throw a bone to the religious extremists ("Fags can't marry!") and gun nuts ("Get'cher assault weapons here!"), and forget the Fuckwits completely (except to encourage their kids to sign-up and re-up for the military, that's crucial!). That leaves the people who you really work for, and who you have to satisfy. We'll all see what they're getting next month. Glad to be of service, &c.

That little gem had been on ice over at my place for weeks. I've had it in the freezer right next to the big ass bottle of Kettle One. Can you hear it, softly, barely, but yes, it is calling to me…

Big news this week has been that fucking incredible tsunami from hell. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, have you seen some of those pictures? It's like a trainwreck, you can't look & you can't look away. What a fucking mess.

You can check out pics here and here.

From: Colin Subject: Tsunami vs. iraq war $ Greetings, The generous USA has pledged at least $35 million in aid for the earthquake/tsunami relief effort. The United States government spends $177 million dollars a day keeping us safe from Iraq. What the Fuck?

What the fuck indeed.

Friday, January 7, 2005

flower   I   beach   I   sydney moon

Looks like the whole race thing is a no go for me and the boys. The snow started just after noon and piled up quick. By the time I left work at 4:00, I could barely ride my bike home. I helped some poor bastards push his car out of the ditch on some random corner. And I just about got killed by some dumb son of a bitch who couldn't control his or her car about four times. Maybe five.

It'd take me four hours, if not more, to drive down there tonight. And, there is a good chance we'd stuff it up once or twice on the way.

I talked to Big Pun on the phone, he just got back from Brianhead, Utah, this afternoon. I asked him how bad the roads were. He said, "No way in hell I'm going back out there."

At the moment, Big Gay Randy, Nic the Dick and the Angry Hippie are all sitting around drinking at BGR's place. I'm at home staring at my packed bag, feeling sorry for myself. And Gnomie and Cole are heading out to the bar.

Yeah, we're all just fucking stoked.

What the hell? Maybe I'll go chop some wood.

From: J. Hill Subject: Keep your dick up dude! Let me implore you to not get bogged down in the Eagles fan bullshit which is to let the hype, and the nonfans - which include many people from the Philly area - get you into that "My team kicked ass all year-round but................they are the Eagles, and of course, they'll let us down" attitude. Be a bigger Eagles fan. The team is bad ass. And I know it sucks to go into the post season after losing 2 games, but Andy Reid is trying to position this team to win the Super Bowl (Ooh, I better watch myself, I'm not Coors, Bud, or Miller sponsored so I mean, THE BIG GAME)! Don't get down on the team dude, it is way too "typical Philly fan" I heard an interview with Marv Levy recently (we remember all those Buffalo Bill runs to the SB only to result in a loss). I will paraphrase - Marv was talking to a Bill fan who said, "Marv, I've been a Bill fan for years, and I just can't take these losses." To which Mr. Levy replied, "I can understand your feeling, and the only thing I can say, I'm just glad you don't play for the team." Don't lose hope in the Eagles, dude! It's our team - they have had an amazing run the past couple of years, and it is our destiny to win the big one! KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, I must be drunk, listen to my optimistic Philly bullshit! BTW - big shoutout to Corey the Courier, cause I worked with that dude as a messenger for American Expediting in Philly for a summer in '90 - you old fuck!

At this point, I will take optimistic Philly bullshit over anything else. I'm just afraid, and we all are, the T.O. is going to mean Total Offense.

Thursday, January 6, 2005

fishnet   I   sittin round at home   I   cuties

Heading down to Phoenix tomorrow. In the van. With the boys. To go race. Good times.

I haven't mentioned it on the site yet, I suppose, but I got myself a touch of food poisoning on Tuesday night. Round about 3:30 am I was up and on the pot. Not good times.

And I've been a little on the messed up side since. Yesterday I was just worn down, man. Wiped out. I can't seem to pull my head out of my ass these last few days.

So, all bullshit crying, bitching and moaning about coming into the race season way under form and fatter than Jan Ulrich aside, I am not very excited about racing. I figure there is a better than average chance I'm going to shit myself on the first hard effort. The start is something like 10:30 or 10:45, maybe I'll feel better by then? I don't know. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Twenty miles.

Not that far, is it? Maybe I'll just bring, oh, I don't know, half a roll of fucking toilet paper with me. That way if I get the Kentucky Quickstep (again) I can stumble off into the bushes and paint the desert brown.

If you put my destroyed insides on top of a 40% chance of rain Saturday, well, yeah. I'm just chomping at that bit.

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

damn.   I   damn?   I   damn!

I'm such a fuckup, I even failed the cool person test.

Yep, it's official. I suck.

All of the backordered bracelets are in the mail. I'm glad to have that finally wrapped up. And I'll bet a few people are glad to have their bracelets.

It's been snowing here like all hell. This article in the Arizona Daily Sun pretty much sums it up. Something like 35 inches in the last 24 hours, depending on where you measure of course. My yard is way over two feet. My cars completely disappeared. If I was one of those "on top of it" webmasters, I'd be posting a picture of that. But, I'm not. So I won't.

As of yesterday afternoon, there were still something like 1,000 homes in town still without electricity. I was lucky on that one. My lights only flickered a few times, and never went out. Goody for me. I do have branches down all over the place. I moved the ones that were leaning on the telephone line, and left the others where they lay. Too much worky work. I've shoved the side walk in front of my place at least five times so far. I kinda hope I'm done with that for awhile.

I did manage to ride my bike to work this week. It was a little pedaling, a little dragging, and a whole lotta fun.

Did I mention the first mountain bike race in the state series is, gasp, this Saturday? What the fuck is up with that? I'm going to get killed. I'll be surprised if I even finish, let alone finish last. Ah, the things we do for love.

At least I'll be drinking beer out in the desert. That can't be all bad, can it?

Word.

Monday, January 3, 2005

myrian   I   reward   I   redhead for dave

Live Wrong bracelets now in stock. Friggin tons of them. It's like Christmas around here lately. Mailing shit out like it's going out of style. Luckily, I'm only mailing about a hundred myself this time. I've got other hands stuffing envelopes this go 'round.

Also, I'm pleased to announce the arrival of the new t-shirt. It's black, it's simple, and it's available right now over at livewrong.net.

  

I don't have much control over the look of that webpage, and by that I mean to say, I have nothing to do with it. So the only pics of the new t-shirt may well be the one I just posted. But, take my word for it, it's cool. Call the number, make an order.

It's been snowing like a mother fucker here all day. Unbelievable amounts of snow. Fucking crazy. We've had something like eight inches already. And we're expecting up to another eight to ten later on tonight.

Too bad I don't give a flying fuck about snow.

The good news is I have a few products by the fine folks over at showers pass to help me in this awful weather. You all know I don't pimp shit on the site unless I think it's some good stuff.

This is the real deal. I rode work today in the heaviest snowstorm we've had so far this winter. And this year, it's been snowing like fucking crazy. We could have a foot and a half of snow on the ground by tomorrow morning. And when I get on my bike to go back to work, I'm going to be wearing showers pass pile vest and century jacket elite. There is nothing else I'd rather be wearing.

Some bad news coming your way:

From: Kelly B. Subject: Another cyclist dies My relative (father's cousin) was hit by a Dump Truck on his bike and killed, while on an intersection corner. I have attached the newspaper article link. It's ridiculous and maddening. The crazy thing is the driver of the truck didn't even get a ticket. He didn't violate any laws. Hello he hit someone! AND they said "they are not sure if he (William) was walking the bicycle and tripped and fell underneath the vehicle" Are you kidding me!? That is exactly was an ignorant non-cyclist would say! The intersection he died at is known to be a very busy intersection in Woodbridge, NJ. Tonight is the wake, we will be attending and tomorrow the funeral. c-n.com/news/c-n/story/0,2111,1161389,00.html. Last time we saw William was at our wedding and Dru was talking to him about cycling. Such a nice person and only 59 years old with wife and children. Another sad day for cyclists.

Yeah, it is another sad day for cyclists. I am very sorry for your loss.

I'm about wrecked. Good night.

Sunday, January 2, 2005

merry christmas   I   radka   I   sofia

Talking about how the group had begun to splinter, and I could taste your lipstick on the filter…

Live Wrong bracelets in stock now. Get one for your bad self over at live wrong.net today.

Feel like playing with some elves? Teaching your kids about weed?

Spent last night spread out on the pullout sofa bed watching movies. Friday hurt that bad. Sorta like the fucking Bengals opening up a can of whoop ass all over the Eagles today. Yeah, it hurt.

What the fuck is wrong with my boys? Do they think these last couple of games don't matter because they've already won enough games or something? Come the fuck on, you can never win enough games.

The Eagles just jumped the fucking shark. Fucking losers. So, you got home field advantage sewn up Get serious, you bunch of fuckin assholes. This is the playoffs we're talking about, something you've apparently had a little problem with that last, oh, three fucking years. You cocksure idiots are about to get your collective clocks cleaned by a team that actually gives a shit about things like pride.

Jevon Kearse, who did not play, said, "Once we start practicing again, we'll get the same momentum we had."

Practice?

Like what you do on Tuesday and Wednesday means shit to me? How 'bout putting out a little effort on Sunday? We're talking about the Bengals. Playing them is pretty much like practice, isn't it?

Or, it damn well should be to a team that thinks it can win a Super Bowl.

Fuck me. Welcome to the world of a Philly sports fan.

And now I gotta break my porn addiction. Yeah. Fuck that.

I'll just leave it with this:

From: Tom Subject: winter product review Last year I used my $15 seirus fleece balaclava with awesome results. I keep referring to these seirus products because they're cheaper than other stuff and work great plus they seem to last so far. you can adjust it to cover your whole face or use it under the chin. some larger strap readjustment will be needed but it should still fit under your lid. amazon.com/exec/obidos/ I'm also thinkin of tryin the under armour hood at $20. it looks like an excellent way to cover your head and face without needing to readjust your helmet so much. tons of adjustable positions to cover the face depending on how cold you get. and colors! underarmour.com I've also been considering trying my new $150 giro fuse ski helmet on my next super sub freezing ride to see how it works. tons of venting at the touch of a sliding switch and removable inserts. typical great giro fit and construction, super light and comfy removable ear pads. it just might work or it might make me look like a dork! giro.com PEDALS: ya gotta go with the $120 crank brothers egg beater s models. I got these last year when I got my boots after 10 years of spd use. these do not ever clog with mud, snow, horse shit or road kill. perfect entry and release, lots of float, bombproof construction and ultra light weight. with their stainless steel construction ya will never see rust. all the talk of unclipping on a rock strike is bogus. its gonna happen on any pedal if ya hit hard enough. don't think ill ever go back to my 747s. crankbrothers.com TIRES: I've been experimenting with tons of stuff from studded 2.1 irc mythos to big ass 2.3's to skinny ass 1.8's. so far I like the 1.8 panaracer line. last year I rode the fire xc pros and loved em. the narrow tread cut right through the soft stuff and into the hardpack even without studs but they got a bit sketchy in the faster corners. this year I got some 1.8 panaracer fire mud pros but I haven't used em in the snow yet as we don't have any. they look a lot like the fire xc's but with harder and taller knobs. panaracer.com/eng/products/mtb/xc.html as far as studs go I tried some alloy units we had in the shop with a lot of work and much success but the rolling resistance was major as was the added weight specially with the modified tr tubes I uses as liners. I just scored some of the studs that nokian uses in their tires but haven't installed em yet. my other cheaper thought is some sheet metal screws and stans no tubes. I think this may be the way to go but I've yet to try it. I'm figuring about 200 studs per tire are needed give or take depending on conditions and tire type. and there ya have it! toms guide to winter and snow riding in comfort and style.

Saturday, January 1, 2005

redhead for dave   I   damn   I   sheezy

Still alive in two thousand five. Yee haa.

Hope you all had a fine evening last night. The northland treated me well. I dropped a ton of coin on booze and felt each and every drink this morning when I woke up with an absolutly pounding headache. I think a few of those cocktails stung me twice. Go figure.

The pinecone (yes, we have a pine cone) dropped at the stroke of midnight. And, as if right on cue, it began to snow. Good times.

From: Fitty Subject: Who's On First for the Next Generation--A modern day 'Abbott and Costello' old time comedians for you youngsters! George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

This one in from my man Yard Sale. Seems he hit on a pretty good idea.

From: Swilliams Subject: it only takes a minute well it's like this big guy, our bike shop in chapel hill nc. is trying to get some bike action happening at a new city park..nothing has been built yet, but a school and soccer fields are in the plan..we need signatures to take to town hall in two weeks for a bike park,,ie. dirt jumps and some cement bowls for the people of this lovely planet to enjoy...it will work, and they have a huge bugget..sooooooooo any how if your holidays have been like mine no bikes for a week of heavy drinking its not that bad....happy new year ham hawks.   "Build a Bicycle Action Sports Park in Orange County" hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, the free online petition service, at: PetitionOnline.com/bpinoc I personally agree with what this petition says, and I think you might agree, too. If you can spare a moment, please take a look, and consider signing yourself. help some bikers out, thanks

Ah, that witty Rumsfeld. He's a real card. Check out his latest.

I just love that guy. And I can't wait till he gets fired.

From: Mike B. Subject: Canada, eh!! Hi there, I just finished reading the nice comments coulter and calson had to say about my country. Very interesting how much they don't know about Canada…….for example……….. We can go anywhere in the world and proudly display our flag without being killed. We love peace as much as we love a piece!! We don't always back war mongers just because they think we have to!! We love life without having to take lives We don't live in constant fear brought on us by our government We have never sent our people to death over our hunger for oil We don't spend trillions on our war machine while millions starve in our own country We would much rather be compared to Honduras than to the good ole US or A We have real beer not watered down piss We think it is silly to have a gun We invented basketball not you We won the last war between the US and Canada We play hockey better than you do We know we live in the best country in the world We hate war and love life We don't make the poor fight wars for the rich We love the Drunk cyclist website We are Canadians and we are VERY proud of it!! Any Americans who agree with any or all of this are welcome to defect to the great white north. We have lots of beer and the Ice is thick on the lake so maybe we could teach you some Hockey!!

Right on. If it wasn't for the fact you guy (and girls) are so fucking far from the equator, I'd already be living there.

I can barely stand how cold it gets here. And I'm in fucking Arizona.

From: Dave H. Subject: the wilds of western canada Whats all this nonsense about 20F... why just last week the windchill hit a bone chilling -55F here in the wilds of western canada... and the year round commuters and the bicycle couriers in their kick ass single speeds were still out tromping on the pedals... saw one gorgeous lady on an off roader with frostbite all over her cheeks... poor lass, she left some skin exposed.

Yeah. Like I was saying…

From: Sean C. Subject: didja……?? didja ever wake up at 7 at night and stand around waiting for the sun to come up? thought i would glide thru holidays w/o pushing envelope. semi successful i guess no arrests(yet)perplexing(diary of a worthless mal/ben -evolent sack of shitski?)how do we do it?

Damn homey. Looks like you got the memo I got: The liver is evil and must be punished.

I tried to drink the town dry last night. It didn't work, but I did put a big dent in my bank account. Go figure.

I'll end it up with this one.

From: Brian Subject: Send some vibes. Yo Juan, trying to get some good healing vibes out to a fellow cyclist. Dennis Riebe was hit in Phx at 56th and Cactus today and is now in the hospital for a few days, mostly ortho injuries. Dennis is 62 and has been riding a hybrid for a few years now and planning on a summer tour. His spirits are pretty good and he is looking for a new road route in the Scottsdale area besides 56th St. if anyone knows of any. Let's all pour out a bit for an injured Homie, my Dad. Thanks.