The wrong war, at the wrong time, in the wrong place.

Sat down with the wife, cracked open a bottle of wine, and listened to the debate on the radio.

Only in America, right?

I didn't expect much in the way of pleasant surprises, and I was not disappointed.

It's a good thing we took the time to make up a pot of chili. At least I have that to look forward to when this is all over.

My God, Bush is such a tool. I can't believe this guy. Really. He's all hat and no cattle.

Shout out to the Axles 'o Evil for that last line.

Don't overlook the strength of Poland. Don't slight their commitment to the Coalition of the Willing. Don't denigrate the troops in the field.

Ok, they're right in line behind Illinois and Wisconsin. Good looking out boys. I really feel President Bush is incapable of speaking the truth about Iraq.

He bullshitted us into invading that quagmire, he claimed it was all sewn up in front of a mission accomplished banner, and he can't face the music, now, for the young men and women who are dying in that God forsaken shithole each and every day.

No offense meant to the fans of the site currently living in God forsaken shitholes.

Iraq. Taking the War to the Enemy. The best way to protect America is to stay on the offense.

Ok, it's settled. Bush should win. Yep. We should give the bastard the election.

Why?

Because then he can inherit this fucking trainwreck he created.

He broke it, and he fucking bought it.

And, think about what will happen in four years after Bush "stays to course" and plows this pill party straight into the ground. The Republicans won't be worth a shit.

Not like most of them are now, but you know what I'm saying.

"Provide comfort for the people that lost a loved one."

What? Who ya doin' that, George? By not appearing at one funeral for a dead soldier? By not allowing the press to photograph the body bags and coffins coming back to out country? By hiding that from us, you make us, oh, lemme guess, you were going to say "safe", right?

The other side of the coin is Kerry wins, Iraq stays a mess for four more year. Which, by the way, will be a mess for a long, long time. Kerry wins, Iraq sucks, and the Republicans hammer him on it for his entire presidency.

And, that's what exactly will happen. Iraq is so fucked, nothing good will come of it for years. Maybe we should let Bush dig his own fucking grave.

I guess the question becomes, how do we keep ourselves from getting buried in that grave with him.

Tell the Iraqi people, "We stand with you."

Or, on top of you as the case may be. What? You don't like your Freedom?

The world is safer without Saddam Hussein.

Yeah.

They're fighting us, because they're fighting Freedom.

No. They're fighting us. Because they want us to leave.

Yanqui go home.

Anyone else notice Bush responds to every query with one of his tried and trued catch phrases. Things like; protect the homeland, core values, changes positions, war on terror, can't lead if you sent mixed messages, support the troops, September 11th, over and over and fucking over again.

I can almost smell the onslaught of hate mail I'm about to receive. Blessed is thy bounty…

Somebody fucking shoot me.

Seriously.

I can't wait to hit the political blogs tonight and get a handle on the spin. I'd say that's one of the biggest reasons I'm setting here listening to this horsecrap, so I know what happened because I heard it myself.

If you avoided this, and relied on someone else, even me, to tell you what happened, you missed out. This isn't a football game where someone wins and some one looses. Clearly, and without question.

The outcome of a debate such as this, with people with vast audience who are incredibly masterful at spinning everything to the right with, you'll never know what happened. In two days folks will come out saying Bush was "strong" "clear" "concise" "powerful" "effective" and "victorious".

Instead of saying he was "full of shit." A "lying ass face." And, "a worthless sack of shit."

Man. I'm a dick.

Anyone want to vote for me?

From: Mike D. Subject: must post dude, you must post this link sltrib.com/utah/ci_2417841 thanks

Jesus. Kinda helps put it in perspective, doesn't it?

There is a follow up article you should also read: sltrib.com/utah/ci_2417984.

And to think I rode part of Little Cottonwood Canyon at the end of this August. It's nice county. I look forward to going back some day.

I think I might just wrap this up with some top notch hate mail.

From: Josh Subject: Riddle me this Would you rather have terrorists plan and exicute horrible acts of death here in our backyard killing our innocent and unarmed citizens? Or would you rather those sick bastards slam hand held rockets into their own homes and blow up their own people. How did it feel when you watched these pricks cut the fuckn' heads off those contractors. What kind fo world do you think this is? They will kill you just as fast they will kill me. Do you think that Kerry will protect us with his I am this, I am that stance on everything. You who vote to change the course of this presidency are dooming the U.S.A. to another attack, another 911, maybe a neuclear 911. How will it feel when more die because Kerry decides on a more sensitive war!!!!!! What happened in 1993 when the WTC was attacked the first time? oh yeah your democratic pres. Clinton was getting a fuckn' blow job. You make me sick........................

Josh, seriously, get a grip.

No one wants some poor bastard contractor to get his head cut off. Not me, not you, not anyone.

Do you really think we're taking the war to the enemy by invading Iraq? Is that what you really think?

Iraq didn't attack us. Al Queda attacked us. There is a big difference. I say, lets kick Al Queda's ass first and foremost.

Since I'm fucked with email these days, feel free to share your comments on the message board. Be it pro or con, or even procon, we want to hear it. You down with Liberal Pussy or what?

Nah, I ain't done. Blame it on the wine. Or, the Whine. Or, Liberal Pussy.

From: Evelyn Subject: Drunken Cyclist Ever get sick and tired of the assholes who say F911 was just a bunch of lies...??? Here is a good retort I ran across... * * * The only people so far who I know who claim that F911 is full of lies are people who haven't even seen the fooking movie. If you've seen it could you point out one or two lies... * * * I think the reality is, the documentary presents a plethora of factual information, but it is done in such a way as to make the viewer draw inferences that cannot be concretely proven. The fact one is inextricably led to have particular suspicions, doubts, and to outright conclude something very stinking rotten has been pulled over on the public infuriates wingers who have such a high capacity for self-deception. Those 7 minutes when the stooge sat there blinking, vacantly staring, and twitches of doubt, confusion, and guilt shadowed across his finally no longer smirking face was not the camera telling lies. Imagine his reaction if instead of whispering in his ear that the 2nd plane had hit the WTC, they had whispered, "Your wife has been in a serious accident." Do you suppose he would have sat there twitching all that time? Our Commander-in-chief...hard at work 24/7 ... 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

Hey, that's my work plan. How'd that bastard find out about it? Fucker. Give it back.

Before I come and straight jack your ass.

From: Mike Subject: 12 Reasons Homosexuals Should Not Be Allowed to Marry 1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control. 2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children. 3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful. 5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal. 6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities. 7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract if coaxed with ham slices. 10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children. 11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer life spans. 12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Hey, I can be coaxed with ham slices. What does that say about me?

The train kept a rollin' all night long…

From: Joshua F. Subject: misty eyes well shit it's been a bit since my wreck.. er when I got pummeled from behind by a bitch ass in a car... swear I would have screamed loud in his fuckin face and beat him with my pump had he not driven away... but bc of all of this it has given me a bit o time to reflect on the more "important" things in life... like political conventions., Too many interesting quotes to even make a crack about that shit but my man arnold wants us to terminate terrorism, and if you think the same you are a republican... nuff said I live in the fuckin state, but yea he is about as witty as he is a fun guy to be around... shut up i'll arm wrestle you and beat you... after if you are a woman i'll grab you all over. and to my friend jacko I think the 5 million you gave me was just for my zoo fund I didn't know you would be wanting a pardon... yea fo sho arnold will be running for pres of this country soon I tell ya... at least he dreams so. more importantly I have been discovering that you can get dirt fucking cheap liquor and sometimes beer at the local FOOD FOR LESS. they are the bomb I picked myself up a handle of canadian mist for a cool 10 spot tonight and I'll have you knowing that all that arthritis the doc said I would have i don't even feel at the moment. one interesting thing I noted on the way out of that grocery berg, the drunken/passed out guy only 20 feet from the exit. shit that guy was holdin down the spot and if you were unlucky enough to smell him he might just wake up and ask you for a drink. I saw him only as I was exiting the store with my proud purchase and I scuttled led along so as to not wake his smelly ass but for real with the medical bills piling up i'll have to be holding down that ol spot of his come december. Hope I still have my bike lock for when I pass the fuck out in public at 11am errrr whenever... I found something kinda lame but instantly thought of your bud the gimp... i mean gnome... bushgnome.com definitely not advocating anyone buying one of these. My neighbor had one but I stole it and it is now being used for target practice in my backyard for my airsoft pistol... don't test I will welt you up, haha. anyway i'm bout to get back in the saddle again tomorrow and try and ride... between not being able to ride and not being able to get a fucking job I am getting way to drunk and sunburnt out in cali... n-e-way its time to get crunk with a bottle of canadian mist

Get crunk it is.

I'm down by law.

And, don't show the bushgnome.com to the other gnome we all know and love. Lets just say he doesn't mix will with others.

From: Primo Huesepole Subject: Fuck, I've been brainwashed Back in the mid-1970s, Eric Trist and Fred Emery, two leading Tavistock brainwashers and "experts" on the effects of mass media, forecast that, by the end of the century, the United States were likely to become just such a fascist police state. The two developed a theory of "social turbulence," by which a society is delivered a series of "shocks"--administered as shared, mass phenomena--energy shortages, economic and financial collapse, and TERRORIST attack. If the "shocks" were to come close upon each other, and if they were delivered with increasing intensity, then it were possible to drive the entire society, into a state of mass psychosis, Trist and Emery said. They said that individuals would become disassociated, as they tried to flee from the terror of the shocking, emerging reality; people would withdraw into a state of denial, retreating into popular entertainments and diversions, while being prone to outbursts of rage. rense.com/general15/tr.htm Fuck now I know why I drink alcohol, masturbate to internet porn and am pissed of alla time!

Me too!

I need a hug.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

brianna   I   brianna   I   brianna

This coming weekend we've got the Tour de Fat, a drunken trainwreck if ever there was one. Trust me, I've seen it. Ain't nothin nice about that shit.

Did you see this site jizz on my glasses yet? Talk about a class act. These guys are top drawer all the way.

From: Adam Subject: two oh five twincities.com/mld/twincities/9716733.htm Al Loney couldn't believe his stopwatch. The Minnesota State Patrol pilot had been flying near Wabasha on Saturday afternoon, watching a pair of motorcycles racing each other along U.S. 61. When one of the bikes accelerated dramatically, Loney was ready clicking his stopwatch when the cycle reached a white marker painted on the roadside. A quarter-mile later, he clicked it again. It read 4.39 seconds, which Loney calculated to be an astonishing 205 mph. "I was in total disbelief," Loney said. "I had to double-check my watch because in 27 years I'd never seen anything move that fast." The bike was moving nearly twice as fast as Loney's airplane. After about three-quarters of a mile, the biker slowed to about 100 mph and let the other cycle catch up. By then Loney had radioed ahead to another state trooper, who pulled the two over soon afterward. The State Patrol officer arrested the faster rider, 20-year-old Stillwater resident Samuel Armstrong Tilley, for reckless driving, driving without a motorcycle license and driving 140 miles per hour over the posted speed limit of 65 mph.

Yeah. That's fast. Real fast. Two hundred? Forget about it.

Bush family. Bastards. Read about it.

From: Joe Subject: Bush is a good Christian man If by Christian, you mean "deviant" or "genetically defective," then you might have a point. I mean, how can you explain the whole Bush family and all their problems. I know every family has a "black sheep," but that family has a whole flock: Bush and Harken: Insider Trading and Other Violations thenation.com/doc.mhtml%3Fi=20020722&s=leopold20020718 The Bush-Lay Letters: Old, Old Friends thesmokinggun.com/archive/0708042lay1.html The Relatively Charmed Life Of Neil Bush. washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A35297-2003Dec27 Judge Orders DNA Testing of Neil Bush. washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A1471-2004Jan31.html Neil Bush's $2M Contract to Outsource Jobs to China. cnnstudentnews.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0312/02/ldt.00.html Neil Bush Admits Asian Flings (with prostitutes). tv.yahoo.com/news/ps/20030713/105809116800.html Influence and Bailouts a Business Tradition in the Bush Family. sptimes.com/News/102900/Business/Influence_and_bailout.shtml Neil Bush's 1-Day Profit of over $170,000. cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/01/01/elec04.neil.bush.ap/ George W. Bush: Drunk driving (multiple). thesmokinggun.com/archive/bushdmv1.html George P. Bush: Burglary and criminal mischief. thesmokinggun.com/archive/georgep1.html Barbara and Jenna Bush: Underage drinking (multiple). Love this 911 call: release.theplatform.com/content.smil?pid=n3meun7NMJI1OYPULhfgF9HR3rBivq2v (RealPlayer) John "Jebby" Bush: Sexual misconduct. thesmokinggun.com/archive/jebby1.html Noelle Bush: shoplifting; prescription fraud; violating the conditions of her court-ordered treatment; possessing cocaine. thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/nbushmug1.html Columbia Bush: Smuggling; lying to U.S. Customs agents. cbsnews.com/stories/1999/06/22/politics/main51553.shtml Laura Welch Bush: Drove through a stop sign, killing her high school boyfriend. No charges filed. usatoday.com/news/opinion/e1698.htm

God help us, these bastards run the country.

Check this video: muchosucko.com/video-davidbelle.html

More on parkour: parkour.org.uk/parkour_start.html

Think you can do any of these moves: parkour.org.uk/parkour_elements.html

More on Kryptonite locks, here is the video that started it all: thirdrate.com/misc/locks/krypto_ev_disc_web.php

And here: engadget.com/entry/7796925370303347/

And at the Times: nytimes.com/2004/09/17/nyregion/17lock.html?hp

Talk about a link dump.

God help me. I just downloaded 277 emails off the server. Jesus. You leave town for one drunken weekend on a house boat and all hell breaks loose.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is if you wrote me, it may take me a couple of days to get back with ya.

Good night.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

dallas   I   crystal   I   cathy

Welcome back from the lake.

Why, thank you.

I think I broke my liver.

How 'bout a quick couple of links right off the top? Yeah baby, it's like that. Starving the Beast. Junk science. Global warming.

Feel better? I know I do. This next one is pretty heavy, but you should probably see the falling man anyway.

So, last Thursday, on the 23rd, this site turned four years old. Can you dig that shit? I've been banging out this shit for four fucking years.

From: Gnome Subject: You signed up for these news updates? SSWC 2005 Headquarters State College, PA sswc05.com The Single Speed World Championships for 2005 will be held in State College, PA on August 20th & 21st. This year will mark the first ever visit to the East for the SSWC and promises to offer a challenging course in the East Coast tradition. Racers can expect challenging climbs, rock strewn ridges, and fast, tricky descents. As usual, the event will focus around the main event (25+ mile single loop) designed by local single speeders to highlight the finest trails available. Back from past years will be the Derby to help decide the location for 2006 - be ready to throw down. Men's and women's titles will be decided on the now infamous Go-Cart track (from the East Coast Single Speed Championship of the Universe) - racers will have to qualify for the opportunity to battle in the cars, eliminating Pro racers from an easy day of it. We would also like to offer any professional bike racer under suspension for illegal drugs by the UCI free entrance into the event. Yup, we know your pain and would like to offer the rare chance to attain a World Title while under suspension. In fact, let us know your favorite drugs and we just might be able to have some waiting. Also, Jan Ulrich - patron saint of single speeding. With that grinding single speed climbing style, watching you push those gears brings a tear to our eyes...free beer for you, my friend. You are our hero and a true single speeder at heart.

And how can you argue with that?

From: the dondo Subject: fuck you fuck you. I love tits though. fuck the toyota tundra...16 MPG...fuck the big new nissan....16 mpg and fuck people with nothing more to bitch about then what other people drive. Id love to see what you bitches would drive if you could afford it. I would seriously kill all of you if I could get near you. I love them tits though!

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated Arrrggggghhhhh!

Man, that one just kills me.

Check out this madness, or some of the mad flavor over at little gray guy.

Does everyone already know Tom Danielson is going to ride for Discovery next year? Probably ya'll heard that last week, right? Jeez. One little boat trip and I am so out of the loop.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

bike   I   bikini   I   golf

I'm not really a big fan of breast implants. Ok, I'm big, but I'm not really a fan. I prefer the natural look. Call me crazy if you must.

Now, even I can have a dang good time with a website such as rate my implants.

I mean, its just good clean fun.

I think I should do all my updates with beer on the desk and a pending vacation on the horizon from now one. It's only sporting.

Did you catch the Vuelta today? Damn. I would've thought with three more ugly mountain stages to come, the boys would've sat back a little more today.

Boy was I wrong. Shit went off. I wonder who'll be hurting tomorrow. And the next day, and so on after that. Did you take a look at those stage profiles? They look like a fucking saw blade. Take a look at stages 18 and 19 and 20.

People are going to die.

Bring it on.

From: Adam S. Subject: be afwayd be vewwy. vewwy afwayd. freerepublic.com Free to do what they tell you and believe what they believe. Otherwise, leave. Freepers creepers. Dittoheads.

Now, that's entertainment. How can you not love a site where they applaud the end of network news? Oh, the contortions ones mind must take to comprehend such madness.

Another great link of right wing insanity, and you can find it right on that last shitpile webpage I just linked, is winter soldier.

All your base belongs to us.

From: Robert Subject: Kryptonite Bike Locks So by now, I'm sure everyone has heard about the bic pen's ability to open any lock with a cylindrical key... if you have a kryptonite lock with that technology, you can get it replaced for FREE regardless of having a receipt or not. details here: kryptonitelock.com

Sounds to me like Kryptonite is stepping up. So, I'm talking to this friend of mine who is about to fly across the country to meet the parents. Yeah, the parents, as in her parents. I tell him, you know, as a friend, "Hey, good luck with the whole "meet the parents" thing. Don't light anything on fire."

His reply?

"Oh, I think I'm satisfied with what I've burned to the ground."

I love that guy.

From: Ambomb Subject: fodder First one: aei.org/events/contentID.20031003144313426/default.asp Note the date, then do a word search for "grand." Then check today's "head"lines. Pun fucking intended. Second one: steveclemons.com/GOPMailer.htm What the RNC is telling people in Florida what will happen if they vote liberal, I mean Democrat. Third one: foxnews.com/story/0,2933,133204,00.html Pretty insightful stuff, for Faux News. They want to keep painkillers away from people in pain because the risk of painkillers getting into the wrong hands is too great. Fucking bureaucracy.

Ah jeez.

More in the "Ah jeez" category.

From: Matthew L. Subject: private contractors Weiss says with a shrug. He declines to tell me exactly where he gets his weapons, but it is not hard to guess. Many, if not most, security companies buy their weapons on the black market, providing cash to the same arms dealers who supply the Iraqi insurgents who are killing American soldiers, to say nothing of the mafias that are killing average Iraqis and the religious militias that are getting ready to kill one another. Well, nobody saw that coming did they? I would have thought the US military would be happy to sell these firms arms. Offset the cost of the war. So now, again, US dollars are killing US troops. Super

Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Jove fulfilled from the day on which the son of Atreus, king of men, and great Achilles, first fell out with one another.

From: Bert Subject: Did you date her? Big jonny, Did you ever date this woman? tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/bassosuzanne.htm View the rest at tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/womenondrow.htm Check out the last statements, gnarly Fucked up site with some sad stories.

I'm not sure it gets any more gnarly than this last statement.

And, while I'm sucking down the High Life's like so much water, I may as well throw this one at ya.

Did I mention I leave tomorrow for four days on a house boat?

I hope I don't drown.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

pavla   I   dru   I   kate

Hamilton. What a shocker. I would have banked on him being one of the clean ones. I guess now I know the truth of it. What a fucking mess. And we got tons of people talking about it in the forum. Check it out and throw in your two cents.

The Vuelta is still rocking and rolling. The beat goes on, so to speak. Cyclingnews had this to say on drugs, Hamilton and the state of affairs yesterday:

People were doing their utmost not to mix the Hamilton case with any other matter. Cycling thrives on the spectacle of super human efforts, taxing the body and mind to the limits. The endurance of the grand tours are the pinnacle of this. Cycling is of course not just about sport, the race organisers, the television stations, the sponsors, the fans all demand results. The riders want to gain contracts, keep them, renew them and win. It is part and parcel of the contemporary age where the commodities are information and spectacles. So what falls over cycling on days like this is a grand cone of silence lowered in order to stave off any threat to what is most important - not the riders, their health or the purity of the sport; but to stave off any threats to the investments and returns that the make the spectacle go around. Those labelled "drug cheats", alleged or not, are cast into the same barrel of people who are "against the system". Either excuses and explanations will be accepted, or Hamilton will become another one of the so-called rotten apples - the all-American boy will be discarded or sent off to serve penance. For a while, outside of public view. Drugs, medicine and supplements are sold to us everyday. We are effectively told that there exists a drug or medical process for everything. But this wide-yed myth of cyclists being able perform superhuman feats solely with the aid of a sports drink and energy gel is continued. Whatever happens in Hamilton's case, it is just another chapter in the long story that draws attention to the gap between image and reality that is a daily part of contemporary life. At some point something will have to give.

Pretty much says it all, doesn't it? On to other things, like mountain bikers not having to fix their won shit in UCI races. Andrew Juskaitis and I may have disagreed in the past over the viability and need for a single speed class, but, on the issue of the UCI changing the "outside assistance" regulation for next season we're on the same page.

Here is the whole story from Velonews. Kinda seems counterintuitive, don't it?

And don't forget next Wednesday is World Carfree Day. What the fuck is that, you ask? Well, "September 22 is World Carfree Day, when people from around the world gather together to show alternatives to the automobile."

How cool is that, eh? Check it out, worldcarfree.net

So Pro Jones.

Lets get to some mail.

From: Crack Baby McGrady Subject: Big SUV's What is the trip. NOBODYS Avalanche gets 19 mpg, just ain't happening bro. Its a chevy v8 right? Chevy is so embarrassed of the fuel economy that they don't list it right on top chevrolet.com/avalanche/ . You gotta search for that embarrassing factoid. Wake up and leave the denial at starbucks.. You are getting 16 mpg average and it will get significantly worse as the engine ages. If you drive an SUV and think you are getting a great deal, you've been brain washed. The Avalanche weighs 3 tons. My Grumman P30, 3 tons. Both have a chevy small block. We get similar gas mileage. The difference? I am running duals have a better tranny with cooler, bigger brakes, bigger oil capacity, bigger suspension, bigger gas tank, and have a light weight aluminum body. My rig is 23' long and can hold two couches full of people, 15 bikes and more gear than you could possibly need. Also, you can STAND UP and walk around in it. If you want to have a pull for pinks, I'll drag you backwards to mexico where that thing was slapped together. So wheres the great value of your SUV? I can live in my truck, make money hauling expensive things in it or use it for a storage unit. In addition, it was made to last and already has lasted longer than your SUV was ever designed to stay out of the scrap yard. Also, my parts are on average only 30% the cost of a chevy landslide. So the few miles that you actually utilize your ride by toting your friends and their gear, can hardly make up for the miles that you inevitably put on it with your lonely ass and a latte bouncing around on your "pimp leather seats". Oh, don't get my started on H2's....

I think that about says it all.

Of course, I just got a full size '89 Chevy van to take on road trips. I can't imagine I'm doing the world much good in that land yacht.

From: Damnit Janet Subject: Mercenary's in Iraq? could it really be true? Mad Max in real life.... rollingstone.com/politics/story/

Yeah, that's fucked up all right.

I'm not really down with this whole "private security" deal. I think its bunk.

And, then, we pay these guys, with tax dollars, far more than we pay our own soldiers.

Talk about a kick in the nuts.

One more and I'm out.

From: John F. Subject: Coroner: 9 drugs found in Rick James' system Dude was a bad mofo. Knew how to party and how to treat the ladies. Apparently enough was clearly not enough… cnn.com

Rick James was off the hook. He'll be missed.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

silvie thomas   I   sydney moon   I   lesbians rule

News flash: Tyler Hamilton positive.

Add your comment here.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

katka   I   nikki nova   I   jenna jameson

What happened to Saturday? A very good question, my friends, a very good question indeed.

It went something like this. I woke up early, ran through two loads of wash, got 'em out on the line, ran by the grocery store, made some breakfast, and went for a ride. So far, so good, right?

I get back from my three hour tour, and what do I find in my living room? None other than Big Pun, Fitty, and Youngblood kicking it with a 12 pack of PBR. Youngblood hands me one and says, "How 'bout some recovery drink?"

Oh shitty.

The rest of the day descended into chaos as we ran back and forth to the beer store securing more soldiers.

Nuttin like getting a nice buzz on when it's still light outside.

From: Johnny Smoke Subject: Conflict of what now? And the beat goes on.... atsnn.com/story/80928.html

What great news, eh?

From: roydrink Subject: link I thought you'd like these bikes: bikemecca.com/sickweird/sickweird.html

Nice work with that park cone wrench. What is it, necessity is the mother of invention?

Check out the rest of the bike mecca webpage.

From: northwave Subject: Where democracy can be found Looks like at least one country has some common sense: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/3665098.stm I'm still waiting for some fucked up shit to go off over here, because those in command of the security of this fine nation seem to think that security is about just about talking about it, but not actually doing anything. And when they do get round to actioning something they'll probably use a Kryptonite lock or some other flawed piece of crap. There are 14,000 security pass holders to the House of Commons, yeah they're going to be able to lock that place down real tight. I can see it now. news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/3667932.stm Grrr.

I think "Grrr" might just have said it all.

And, oh yes, Kryptonite locks.

From: Doug Subject: Got Bic? Hi Folks; More info on the Kryptonite fiasco. I have successfully opened more than this brand with the Bic Pen technique in the last day. This aired on NPR, as well as many local & national new papers. Kryptonite announced that on Sept 22 they will start accepting communication on processes for upgrades to the tubular key locks that open with a Bic pen via their website. Attached is the statement from the website. As with most things of this corporate nature just having the crappy product in your possession does not make you eligible for a replacement, it must have been registered or you must have the original proof of purchase, no mention what transpires if you have had the said item and had not yet registered it before it was stolen while attached to the perfect get-away vehicle by any Goon with a $0.19 ballpoint and no integrity. My prediction is it marks the death of any tubular key (ace) security device for the bicycle market. Attached see the "official" verbiages.

Ugh. Click here for the word doc.

Also, more info on the subject to be found at bikeforums.net.

Maybe one more and I'm out.

From: Uncle Milt Subject: Jury Duty? I'll drink to that! story.news.yahoo.com/news?nm/od_nm/odd_jurors_dc Notice the addy has DC at the end. I am going to get straight fucked up and make some decisions about peoples lives. No more throwing that Jury Duty letter inna trash! It's about time that we get the same privileges that Judges and Law Enforcement have enjoyed. I might even bring my Penis Pump and a smut novel to stay entertained.... Shit, I am getting my high right now.

Friday, September 17, 2004

roxy carter   I   shannon lea   I   zsusuana

When you're weekends are like mine, the post your wrote for Friday end up getting posted Sunday morning. I'm a fucking idiot. Enjoy.

Fixed Gear Friday. The very name strikes fear in the hearts of men. I thought I could duck it, escape it, come up with an excuse, a reason, not to throttle the ever loving shit out of myself with the boys.

Turns out the strippers don't go on stage in my tiny, cracker-head, redneck mountain town. Kinda blows the afternoon for me and J-Dub don't it?

And for that reason I ended up going out on my fixed gear after all. Many beers were drank, many circles turned. I was relieved to hear we were not going out to race a miss-n out on the crit course at Ft. Tuthill. I couldn't get out of work early the previous Friday (thank god) and missed Big Gay Randy's sick and twisted new creation.

This was no ordinary miss-n out. BGR had some equalizers and punishment planned for the participants. For ever inch about a 60.3, the ever popular 39-17 combo, one shot of whiskey was to be consumed before the race even started. And BGR and a calculator in hand to sort out the math.

And you can guess what fate awaited the last poor bastard across the line, can't you?

A shot of whiskey.

What a fucking trainwreck that must have become in short order.

There was a mountain bike race out at Ft. Tuthill last weekend, and I missed it because I forgot to pre-register. For some reason the race day registration is a tall $50 bucks these days. I'd like to see that little problem rectified for next race season. It serves only to punish the stupid lazy people of the world, like, for example, me.

I asked my man how the race went, and here's what he had to say:

From: Bike Boy Tad Subject: Re: S. Mtn. Park roads to be repaved. It was s nice race. Good swag--free tube, t-shirt New Belgium bottle opener, Gu, tire levers & a few other things. My fat ass got 2nd in the singlespeed class. Won a gift certificate to Swiss Bikes in Phx. All in all was a nice job by the MBAA.

This week's version of Fixed Gear Friday was more of a dirt circuit race up at Buffalo Park. Con cerveza. Being the fat lazy fuck I am, I didn't even race the first lap. I sat on my top tube and rapped to a couple of buddies who happened through on the way back from a ride. I had a couple of cold PBRs and noting but time, baby.

Felt good.

I watched the boys chase each other around, come in for their second lap mandatory beer stop, and head back out. I was dead last on the second lap, and fuck it all, I just didn't care.

I could only motivate BGR into heading to the East Side of town with me for a few more miles. I plied him with cocktails. It worked well.

Next week I say we ride out to a bar and back. You know, 'cause big jonny style is get swizzled till ya throw up.

From: Joe M. Subject: hearse game pumbo.com/juegos.php?id=2857 mash the right and left arrows to make it go faster and hit space when you're in the red area to lock up the breaks enjoy

Right on. Second try, after I figured out how not to just kill myself, I got a 499.1.

I'll be sitting on that score for awhile because I cannot seem to do any better.

I'll blame it on the beer.

Why not? Works for everything else.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

india   I   trinity   I   erica

Oh hell ya. Did ya check out the Vuelta today? That shit kicked ass. Too bad OLN decided to blow their whole budget on the Tour de France and not leave anything left for the Vuelta, the Spanish national tour. Which will be won this year by a hard, hard man.

As it is every year.

Two new sites to promote. These go out to all you boys (and girls) who ain't afraid of the dark meat. Word. Check out mike in brazil and round and brown.

You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

And my guess, if you read this website, you probably are.

How'd ya like to sign up for your Federal Identification Card next year?

Fuck dude, I can't wait to get mine. Shit is gonna be boss.

From: Mister Completely Subject: Enslave your girls and women robertscheer.com Published May 22, 2001 That's the message sent with the recent gift of $43 million to the Taliban rulers of Afghanistan, the most virulent anti-American violators of human rights in the world today. The gift, announced last Thursday by Secretary of State Colin Powell, in addition to other recent aid, makes the U.S. the main sponsor of the Taliban and rewards that "rogue regime" for declaring that opium growing is against the will of God. So, too, by the Taliban's estimation, are most human activities, but it's the ban on drugs that catches this administration's attention. Thank god for the war on drugs, if not old Reagan's diatribe, there would probably be dealers going door to door. Now I have to walk all the way to El Cahon Blvd (30 seconds) to get my crack smack wack or trick on.

On the upside, there are tons of pics over at pure hot models for your enjoyment.

From: Brad Q. Subject: The 2004 Interbike Alleycat is almost upon us. Bring on the Rat Pack. Sinners, Suckers and Sprinters. Thursday October 7th, 8pm, Double Down Saloon. Followed by punk rock show at 9pm hosted by JGH Marketing. Bring your bike, bring your legs, bring $5. All proceeds donated to the Bicycle Messenger Emergency Fund.

I guess I know where I'm going to be Thursday night.

Getting my drink on with the white trash underbelly of the cycling industry. Where I belong.

So, the question I want answered is, are we going to bring back the draft?

If we're resorting to what only can be called strong arm tactics to convince soldiers to re-enlist, we're pretty much fucked, right?

You want funny? This is funny.

Also, the hubbub on Kryptonite locks not being worth the cardboard their packaged in hit the AP line today. Read it at newsday.com.

If you listen very closely, when the wind is blowing right, you just make out the screams of pain and frustration from the Kryptonite headquarters. Ya gotta feel sorry for those bastards. They are definitely going to take it in the shorts on this one.

Can you imagine how many people are about to either a) demand a full refund, or b) send it a bogus theft report and a lock opened with a fucking bic pen?

It's going to be a friggin mess.

Have I mentioned lately that Andy Hampsten is a card carrying bad ass? Well, if I haven't I should have. Click here to read about his Alpe d'Huez win in 1992.

From: Corey the Courier Subject: Naked Soldier Damn. Who sent her to the front? Why are we sending our beautiful, young, large breasted women into harms way? Oh yeah, sex. During the last desert war, there were lots of enlisted "prostitutes" who ventured to make a quick buck on those lonely troops. More fraternization! Not all of the women did it, but there were a few that got caught with several thousand dollars stashed away in their stuff. Months and months (soon to be years) without any porn or pussy in that extremely Islamic country will make even the Gomer Pyle types crazy and homicidal. What's up with the fat man insulting all things Philadelphian? What a sour mother fucker! I hope to high heaven he wasn't talking smack about the "kit" sent from Philly! Tell Mr. Lost in LA to keep that negative shit to himself. We Philadelphians don't have time for his antics. The bars, ball games, booze and beautiful women all over this glorious town make it far closer to paradise than anywhere else in the US.

You hear that Big Pun? You done pissed off Corey the Courier. And that just ain't good. The Eagles play the late game next Sunday, so I figure I can ride and watch the game with plenty of time left over for beer. Sweet beer.

I know I already linked this day after the party bullshit, but damn, is it ever funny.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

office babe   I   alyssa lovelace   I   yo, what?

Do you use a Kryptonite, or any other U-Lock with the round key? The buzz on the net these days is, well, negative at best.

You might want to read this.

More at Bicycle Retailer.

In other shitty news out today: The United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan has told the BBC the US-led invasion of Iraq was an illegal act that contravened the UN charter. Read the rest here.

From: C Bills Subject: "Another Whiskey" man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow". The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow go and get it or I'll give you a slap!" In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!"

Here are the results from the 2004 Arizona State Championship Road Race for all categories.

From: Bike Boy Tad Subject: S. Mtn. Park roads to be repaved. Good News for Phx roadies. All the roads in S. Mtn. Park (Central Ave. entrance) will be repaved beginning Oct. 4th. The roads beyond the ranger station will be closed for about a month. The 14 miles of smooth roads will be much appreciated.

No shit? You mean that shitty ass pavement is a thing of the past? A distant memory?

I can't wait to take ten minutes off my best time up that whore. With smoth pavement on the horizon, how can I not go faster?

It ought to be interesting.

From: A. Subject: with wings? cyclingnews.com/photos.php?id=photos/2004/ I think this innovatio gave him wings.

Or, her, as the case may be.

You just gotta love that "make it work now" kind of repair one comes up with at 3:30 am in a hotel room. One time Big Tex crammed Q-Tips down inside his suspension fork to slow the rebound.

Q-Tips.

And it worked.

Fucking amazing.

I assume you've heard about the Fixed Gear Desert Championship down in Tucson on October 9, 2004.

Check it out, Fusty Luggs is playing.

I'd love to make it, but the 8:45 am start is a tall order after thrashing myself up in Vegas at Interbike all week. I don't see how I can teleport myself 400 miles overnight. Unless I somehow figure out how to eliminate sleep. Run the gauntlet trucker style.

Yeah, that might do it.

I might have already linked this, but shit, you gotta see it again. How'd ya like to get drunk without taking a drink? Sounds like a no-brainerk, doesn't it? Oh course you'd like it. Check out awolusa.com.

From: Adam S. Subject: rant Who was it that said something to the effect of "anyone who wants to be President should not be allowed, and the right person for the job would likely have to be forced into it, kicking and screaming?" It speaks volumes of the fucking incompetent blowhard fools who wind up in office these days. Shrub thinks he is Moses leading us to the promised land, free from the remote tyranny of gay marriage, stem cell research, and liberal "values." We didn't elect a pope, we elected a president. It's just really sickening to read the propaganda, and if you dig a micrometer into the message you literally come away with crap. But it makes us "feel good." I want a president who makes me get off my ass and do something for myself, not one who thinks he's going to do something for me, that I didn't ask for, or quite frankly don't agree with. That more importantly is not part of his freaking job. I just cringe at the fact that he probably listens to the voices in his head "ie. God" more than he does the real live people in this country. The fact that people believe he is a a ho-hum, down to earth texan is just a testament to the effectiveness of his propaganda machine. He must hate those 7up commercials, because image is everything in politics these days. All this Bush idolatry has got to stop. You gotta ask yourself: He's the commander in chief, would he stop a terrorist bullet headed my way to protect me, a citizen of this "great land?" Would Kerry? I guess that depends on which propaganda machine you believe.

Yep. You had me at "hello."

You didn't say hello? Well, it must have been this then: "We didn't elect a pope, we elected a president."

I took my single speed out for the second ride in so many days. I put a rigid fork back on this week, just because I can. It certainly isn't as fast down the hills, but its fun as fuck.

I started late, and in the true sense of "fuck it all" I grabbed a headlight out of the kitchen drawer that hadn't been used, charged, checked out, or even looked at in six months. I was really rolling the dice on that one.

I climbed up Schultz Creek, feeling Ok. Not great, not shitty, just Ok. And some days, my friends, that is all you can ask for. I ran into a couple of guys I know, kicked it for a few minutes, and continued up the hill with them. Once we got up past the tank, and started into the meat of the climb, the sun light was rapidly disappearing. I plodded along for awhile, realizing maybe I can't climb Sunset on a 32-18 tonight.

Oh fuck it. I spun it around, fired up the light, thought, I wonder how long this thing will burn? I checked my watch, figured I've got about a half hour where I really need to see. Then I can get on some fire roads and make my way in the dark if I have to.

Turns out the little voices in my head won out early. I only braved about fifteen minutes of darkened single track before I bailed out on the fire road. There was a good chance this light was going tits up, and I figured I'd rather be rolling in relative safety on a big, wide, sorta smooth, hard to crash dirt road than risk center punching a rock/tree/boulder/deathtrap.

Turns out the light made it back to the house on the wide-open full tilt boogie setting. Who knew? I even had to leave it running for another 15 minutes in the living room to draw it down towards empty. I was pleased with the cheap little headlights performance. Good looking out, buddy. You're alright with me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

new bike chick   I   nikki benz   I   dani

Once again it's on.

Single Speed Worlds 2005 to be held in State College, Pennsylvania. A whole hell of a lot closer than Australia or Germany. Not that it slowed down my man Dejay. He went to both.

There are a few things to catch up on over at Bikes against Bush. Seems our hero was arrested back during the RNC, and even had his bike checked out by the bomb squad. It's no ordinarily bike.

Oh yeah, and Finch, baby, here are some Olympic babes for ya. I'll let you figure out who won what medals. Another page of the same on a much slower webpage.

There is no God.

I think Cheney sucks as much as the next guy. Take that sentence whichever way you please. But, even I find this war games story a little over the top.

Another in the conspiracy camp, this one about the CBS memos. More over at econopundit, you know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Totally forgot to link this article yesterday about how the decade-long U.S. ban on assault weapons expired Monday.

I kinda like shooting big old cannons and all that, but certainly one must draw a line somewhere. I don't know if I'm any safer with, or without, assault weapons available to the general public. Maybe we should restrict that sort of thing to the Class 3 Federal license holders. You know, check a guy out, and make sure he's on the level. And, if he in turn flips the weapon to someone he shouldn't, we have a paper trail of where the weapon was and who sold it to who.

Maybe it makes a difference, I don't know.

Maybe I should go by an AK-47 today and just say fuck it. Go dig me out a proper bomb shelter up on the hill, knock up the old lady, and start raising my own army in the woods.

Good news on the trail front: Rocky Ridge is getting rockier.

Not what it once was, but becoming a bit more challenging than the ultra-smooth marble like track it was a year ago. I figure that will make some folks happy.

And now, a product review:

I recently became the proud owner of a brand spanking new vest from Shower's Pass. I admired Jonny's vest for a long time and asked him on several occasions to get me one. As a very infrequent beneficiary of the wonder we call drunkcyclist.com, I was surprised that one of my requests made it past Big Jonny's cluttered desk. Needless to say, I rarely reap the benefits (of which there are so many -ha) of the site, unless you include the countless "oh, my god, you poor girl" looks that I often receive from women lucky enough to have been duped into visiting the site. However, on this joyous occasion my wish came true and the angels at Shower's Pass answered my prayers. Excitedly, I opened my new package to find a beautiful, American made, red, burnt chili is what they call it, pile vest. Upon trying it on it was a little big, not because I am a tiny, little, feminine thing (as those of you who know me can attest) but because, for once, I overestimated my girth. But, I figure that it will fit nicely over heavy winter garb. This thing is made for layering. All I needed now was an excuse to test my new vest in the wild. My opportunity would arise after a long night of drinking in celebration of Big Pun and Snake's birthday. The morning after, I awoke feeling not quite up to . . . well . . . anything. Big Jonny, the fuck-head, decided that the only way for me to feel better was to sweat it out. Christ. So up to the peaks we went equipped with my newest accessory and about a gallon of water. The first part of the hike was fine. It was a little brisk but my new vest was keeping me quite toasty. When I needed to unzip it, I found that the zipper was very easy to manipulate with one hand. I thought this ingenious as one who, no matter how hard I try, still can't ride my bicycle with no hands. All was good in new vest land, until . . . Until twelve beers from the night before came a-callin'. I could feel the heat rise. I could feel the blood rush from my face and the cold sweat. I ran from the trail into the trees. I ran as fast as my legs would go, because even though we have been married five long years, I still can't bring myself to puke (or fart, or poop) in front of Jonny. So, I ran, with the dog at my heals. When I could hold back no longer, it came. Like a tidal wave, twelve beers, a breakfast burrito and German chocolate cake came back like a bad dream. I threw up everything and after it was over, I wiped my mouth with the collar of my crisp, clean new vest. Very absorbent. I felt good for the rest of the hike. And although my vest may never be new again, it sure did its job, and more, on the day Big Jonny took me to hell.

Doesn't exactly beat around the bush, does she? Take a look at Showers Pass for quality, American made cycling and outdoor apparel. I'm impressed, and I think you will be as well.

There will be more products given the drunkcyclist once over in the coming weeks and months. I think it's going to be fun.

Monday, September 13, 2004

sydney moon   I   lenka   I   erica campbell

Quote: "Nobody was able to say anything useful or memorable about the September day on which the American dead in Iraq passed the 1,000 mark. I shall not try to improve on this. John Kerry used the lame term "milestone," which only shows the general inadequacy of words. There were some conventional remarks about "our brave men and women in uniform," which could have been uttered on any day. I become irritated or disgusted only when anyone attempts to enlist these now voiceless dead for their own purposes. Respectful silence would be a far better response."

From: slate.msn.com/id/2106466/

I'll leave it at that.

From: Nick Subject: 9-11 Big Jonny, My wife is also one of the unlucky ones who shares her birthday on that day. Needless to say her birthdays pretty much suck, and this was a big one. The big 4 0

Someday, for all of us, it will get better.

Gee, ya think 473 spam emails will bog things down a bit? Well, let me be the first to tell you, they will. They will indeed.

I've linked it before, and now I'm gonna link it again. Stolen Underground.

My man Matt isn't pulling any punches. I just hope he lands them in all the right places, you know what I mean?

Read this. And then read this. The truth is in there somewhere.

And, we all make our own truth, do we not?

I bitched up yesterday saying Drew Miller had won the State Championship last year. That honor goes to Rob Alvarez.

Rob's a good guy. Sorry man, didn't mean to slight ya.

Two things about the results of the 2003 State race, one, take a look at who came in fourth. Would you believe Genevieve Jeanson? And, second, check out my man Erik Kuhlman who may well have come in dead last two years in a row.

Rock on Bobble Head Erik.

And, here I am looking forward to Interbyke and all, when this strike up and happens. What's up with that noise? I mean, really. Can't I count on spending some quality time with my lawyer getting absolutely shitfaced by noon without having to face a picket line?

I'd really rather not be faced with that.

Two words: Bush wins.

Two more words: Naked soldier.

Tonight I put a new rigid fork on my single speed. The Gnome (or is that Gomie) took one look at it and said, "Why?"

Ah, he's a man of few works, ain't he? Sorta like the sloganator.

If you need a time fuck game to try out, have at this fucking impossible shit. I've ruined my chances with too many years of pleasuring myself it seems. I can't move that little dot around with anything close to confidence anymore.

Yeah, as If I ever could.

From: Big Dave Subject: What a bunch of pussies velonews.com/race/mtn/articles/6920.0.html Pansy ass mo fo's. Send these bastards out on a 5 hour epic with no laps, then watch the rich teams break the bank with helicopter support or something stupid like that.

Maybe then can have a single speed class sans support. Or maybe if you take assistance, you have to pound a full can of beer while your bike is being repaired. That would work out just fine I think.

Another little slice of mayhem. I think I got that link it no less that eight different emails today. I guess you could say it was making the rounds.

Something about two sides on every coin, I dunno. Just a passing though I suppose…

From: Brain R. Subject: Big SUV's I must speak. I'm finally tired of all of the Fucking perfect cyclists with gay names for the SUV's. I have an Avalanche, almost 3 tons, 285 HP, and a pimp leather interior. I've had it for 11 months and put 7000 road trip miles on it. I can travel with 4 people, bikes, camping gear, and still get better mileage than my old S-10, about 19MPG. What MPG does your boat get Big J. How many hippy cyclist end up needing two of your little toyota pickups to get 4 peeps to the race, 25MPG X 2. How many yuppie subaru's to get 4 people with gear to the Flight of the Pigs, RAGBRAI, or Leadville. How much fuel was burned to get the zen, soulful, simple, no technology lover single speeders to Germany this year in 747's? I'm sure my Rig burns a lot cleaner than anything built in or before the 90's. The War is crap, driving to the store is crap, subsidized gas is crap. We should pay what the rest of the world pays. Now that I've pissed off more than a few, I'll see you all at the soul ride, I'll be camped in the shade of my HUGE SUV!

Well, the Buick gets in the low twenties when she's feeling up to it with a couple of bikes and a couple of people. The best I've seen in a while was 24, and I'll take it.

Maybe it's time for an upgrade?

From: Adam S. Subject: as if… ...getting the ole cowboy brush-by (wink wink, nudge nudge) by H2's on the back roads of Pennsyltucky weren't scary enough...cnn.com brings you: Fisher Price's "I still wet my bed and suck my thumb even though I'm 45" Tonka Truck: money.cnn.com/2004/09/13/pf/autos/monster_truck/ To quote: "The new CXT, short for commercial extreme truck and built from the same platform as the heavy truck maker's typical tow truck or cement mixer, will be sold starting this week by Navistar's International Truck & Engine subsidiary." That's right folks, for all you commercial eXtreme fucks out there, now you can fulfill your wettest of Freudian Genital Phase dream's (see also: childstudy.net/genital.html). This bad boy vehicle brings self-flagellation to new heights! As my good friend Buck says to his Hummer owning neighbor, sorry about your penis! You fuck.

I need me one of them. Because I have a small penis. It's pathetic.

And I know all about pathetic it seems. I'm not cool at all.

From: Big Pun Subject: The expected e-mail Dearest Jonny, How are you? The Pun is doing just fine. The Pun hopes that this e-mail finds you in a fine mood and in possession of a cheery disposition. Although the Pun enjoys trading such quaint formalities, I am afraid I write this communiqué under great duress and lack of understanding. Despite the fact that the Pun lost his hometown football team at an early age to a long battle with owner induced stupidity, he was under the impression that he understood the need in this world for loyalty to one's team. Today my friend, you have caused the Pun to doubt the foundations of his sports allegiances. Have no doubt in the level of regard with which the Pun holds Philly's teams. Philly, in numerous sports, has been a fine opponent to watch get beat over the past decades by Los Angeles based franchises; however, it seems as though the Pun's enthusiasm to see Philly get beat outweighs your enthusiasm to see Philly win. This, my friend, is unfortunate. Of all the sports in the world that the Pun enjoys watching, synchronized diving not included of course, football is not necessarily at the top of the list. However, at least the Pun has the balls to watch football on the first weekend of the regular season. As mentioned above, the Pun does not even have a hometown team for which to cheer. And yet, that does not stop the Pun from watching a complete game or three and drinking copious amounts of beer. It is with some bitterness, but mostly sadness, that the Pun is forced to expose you for the lily-assed pumpkin-twat that you are. How the fuck can you ever show your face in Philly again? I ask you this out of both curiosity and concern for your masculinity. You were only able to watch just over THREE MINUTES of the Philly game today because of your lack of dedication. This lack of focus and commitment shall not stand my good man. While the Pun consumed liter after great and wonderful liter of frosty malted beverages, your rode you bike. Fuck you. The Pun understands your love of the bike and those things that are bike related. And yet the Pun still posit to you my good man that your priorities are fucking fucked. A casual non-essential Sunday bike ride over the Eagles games? That is inexcusable even to fans without teams such as the Pun. Oh, and less we forget your sorry-assed pussy-footed excuse revolving around the Eagle's unique ability to lose no matter what and how you can't get too into the season this early since it's only the first game and they're going to lose in the end anyway. Once again, fuck you. At least you have a team to lose with. Have some fucking compassion. All that the Pun can offer to you at this point is advise. The statute of limitations on forgiveness expired sometime around halftime of the Eagle's win. Next time the Pun and Fitty show up at your house in order to escort you to the bar for football, follow your wife's advice and go. Don't think about it, just go and cheer on your team. Its good for you and it will help you to avoid e-mails like this one in the future. (By the way, the kit that you were wearing really was quite gay; ever that lunatic dog of yours thought so, yes I actually asked her. Not wearing it ever again would also help you to avoid e-mails like this in the future) I hope that this is all clear. I'll see you next week at the bar assuming that you can get your high heels and purse to match. Peace, love, and hookers for everyone, Biggus Punnus III

I'll just leave it at that.

Or, I'll leave it at this.

From: Response Subject: Good tequila I got a bottle of "El Duende Tequila" rough translation "Garden Gnome Hooch". You can't buy this shit at the local store. And if it weren't for The Gomes massive upper body strength (and unchecked bravado) I would whoop on all yalls asses

I'll drink to that.

One more and I'm out.

From: Biff Tatum Subject: Jumping the shark Has DC jumped the shark? You mean like jumping in a jacuzzi with a great white and a mile of cock cabled in yer fist? Or going offa ramp sideways on fire riding a fixed gear with a gooey blender drink in hand whilst looking forward to a soft parking lot landing?? Or just "Leaving Las Vegas Style", barebacking a tasty whore, double down on every fucking hand while spending your life savings on booze and wasting the rest on hotels and cab fare? Please be specific.

Let's just say I hope it was all that and more.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

chrissy moran   I   lesbians rule   I   lesbians rule

Another anniversary for 9-11 has come and past. Jesus, what mess. I've got a buddy, the Husky Midget, who shares a birthday with that awful anniversary. Talk about getting screwed. He took it in the ass on that one.

The Eagles play the Giants today, first game of the season. I'm excited, as I am this time every football season. It's wide open and damn near anything can happen. Makes for some good weekly entertainment from here on out. I'm just hoping for something less than the public shaming I took during last years opening rout.

You like pictures? Well, you're in luck.

Yesterday, Arizona had its State Championship road race. I went out and helped with the morning registration. Good time. I'll tell ya, getting up at 5:00 am with three hours of sleep and sitting at a picnic table when it's 48 degrees and the fucking sun hasn't even come up yet sure is living.

And living large at that.

After fulfilling my obligations at the registration table, as in we ran that shit up till a few minutes before the start time, I donned my devil costume and hit the course.

I figured someone had to go it, and it might as well be me.

It's either that or stay at home and work on my drinking problem. Seems I am "Exceeding 'Safe-Use' Guidelines".

Drew Miller took it home for, I think, the second year in a row. He's a bad, bad man down here in the South West. He got away with Steve Sheppard, another local gun, and they just rode away. Of course, Miller's Landis squad had plenty of selfless strong men in the field to neutralize just about anything. And, as we all know, that can make all the difference.

More results to follow as I confirm them.

From: Luke B. Subject: The Fire Extinguisher Story Last night two friends of mine and myself went to the local bar. I had already started drinking at home. we did shots. we drank lots of beer, as it was two for one until ten. we did more shots. and more shots. the girls leave. I do a shot in their memory. I leave. I go back to my house to collect the girls. or go to bed. I'm not very sober. we walk back to the bar. we do a shot. we try to collect people to go to an after party we've been invited to. in an attempt to find them, we drink a shot to their names. we leave. we are still missing people, so we do another shot in the hopes that it will attract them. (this is the part of the story where my recollection basically stops and I piece the narrative together from other people's accounts.) Aimee and I sit on the roof of a toyota 4runner. the roof creaks alarmingly, so we get off and do a shot to the truck. we get everyone in the car except Renee. Aimee, Joe, Alvin, Avery and myself go to look for her and take a shot. while we're inside, someone else comes inside. he introduces himself as "Dick Smash." we do a shot with him because his name is cool. we go to a grocery store. I announce to Aimee that I will buy her anything she wants as long as she cooks. we leave the store with a block of cheddar, a package of tortillas, a small american flag, and an enormous fake flower (easily four feet long). at this point in the night, I have spent at least $100. we go to the home of Alvin (pronounced alveen...he's puerto rican.) and Joe. and possibly Jose, but I don't really know. (here the night becomes decidedly hazy for everyone, so our narrative is now based solely on four photographs, scattered memories, a little bit of deduction, and two voice mails, one of which threatens Luke with physical violence.) I make quesadillas. I eat them. I leave the enormous block of cheese in their kitchen to rot. there is a puerto rican man attempting to rap. Jose is making "bedroom eyes" at Renee (her quote, not mine) the three of us decide to leave. I, in some way, be it stupidity, my inability to walk, or some other cause, release the majority of a fire extinguisher into the hallway. then we run. curiously, several police vehicles and a fire truck pass us as we walk home. we think nothing of this. Aimee urinates openly on the lawn of the courthouse. we pass out. I awake on my floor. strangely, I am not covered in vomit. then I remember, I threw up repeatedly in between shots the previous night. I check my voicemail. voicemail #1: "Dude, uh...this is Joe. we think that maybe there was a hose that you sprayed or something in the hall, we think it's you, but either way man...uh, call us back or something. man." voicemail #2: "This is Alvin man! What the fuck did you do man? you fucker! You better hope that I don't see you in a dark alley or anything. Fuck man! I want to kick your ass. Fuck you. call us back. I call Joe. I apologize to his voice mail, but since I cannot honestly remember what went on, and as it appears that there were no fines or citations, nothing is wrong that can't be fixed by some free beer, courtesy Luke, and some cleaning. Joe agrees with me and we decide to meet up later. I am apparently wrong. I get a phone call from Avery. Alvin has a history. apparently last year, he stabbed a guy. I am not going to the bar tonight. this story is not yet finished, but I will keep ya'll updated.

Right on. Way to get out there and live life to the fullest.

I'm glad I kept last nights damage content to two pictures of margaritas and four or five beers.

Call me a lightweight if you want, but I had fun.

This site, aspd.net should keep you occupied for awhile. At least it did me.

How about some old news about a critical mass ride right before the RNC in New York where the cops arrested over 250 people? I'd call that pretty fucked up.

From: Joe B. Subject: Thousands of cyclists snarled traffic news.yahoo.com/news? "Police said they arrested 264 people and seized their bicycles in the protest mounted by a group called "Critical Mass", which wants to boost the rights of cyclists in traffic-clogged city streets. It stages rides in cities around the world on the last Friday of each month. " That is the most ignorant statement I have heard in a while. However, now that they have Identified the "Critical Mass Terrorist Axels of Evil" , what the fuck they gonna do about it? Oh, can I be commander in chief of this "Critical Mass"? Do they have a dental plan? Seriously, I think this sends a message out that I have been saying for a while, keep your critical mass ride cheap "rodeo style" and run it like a tight ship. Let em steal it, build another and keep the rubber side down. The fucking fucks, break me off a piece of that shit!

Yeah, that is pretty fucked up. Good think I can balance it out with something that is actually pretty damn cool. Check out this next one.

From: Todd S. Subject: Have you heard about this? Johnny, Have you seen this? soldierride.com

I like this idea. A lot. Tell ya what I'm gonna do. Since I don't exactly have $420 bucks to secure a white lever sponsorship, I'm going to put it out there to all of you who read the site. If you would like to toss in a few bucks to make this happen, I'm going to be putting up the first $100.

That's right, drunkcyclist.com is putting up a $100 bucks to help support those soldiers who have come back from fighting overseas severely wounded. I may not support the war, I may not like our President, but I support the god damn troops.

If you are interested in helping me with this effort, drop me an email. I will be able to take checks, money orders or paypal payments. After a week or so, I'll bundle the money together and make one payment to Soldier Ride. Hopefully, I'll be able to write them one hell of a big check.

Oh course, if you would rather just donate the money on your own, please feel free. You certainly don't have to go through me to help make a difference.

Or, you could just drop your spare coin on a pair of spinners for your bike. My man Bert says, "Do they make them in 26 inch?"

Wacky.

Check out protestwarrior.com. Kinda insane, kinda wacky. This is a quote from that webpage just to give you an idea of what you're getting into over there:

"Our war in Iraq has truly separated the wheat from the chaff, as we've seen the true agenda of the leftist mindset come to the fore. Loathe to admit that they hate freedom, they will desperately cling to their shopworn canards, about this war being at the behest of Halliburton, or Big Oil, or a shadowy cabal of neocons, rather than just admit that they don't want to see the Western values of freedom and individual rights spread. And since every society that has ever been run under socialist or Islamist precepts has degenerated into barbarism and tyranny, our enemies can only respond by demonizing America rather than defending their position."

Holy shit, that is fucking scary, eh? You could spend a half hour just talking about that one paragraph. With phrases such as, "our war" and "western values of freedom" to mull over, you might miss the line about Islamic societies. Far be it from me to mention our country has been in existence for a short 200 years and some "Islamic" societies have existed for thousands.

If Bush wins again, I may have to take a real long look at moving on down the road. I'm not sure I can stand another four years of this shit.

From: Pouch Subject: Tour de Satan What up Jonny? Saw your post about hitting up Alta for wedding a bit ago, figured I'd chime in from Mormonland and tell you about a little thing called Tour de Satan. Wednesday may be amateur night in Flagstaff, and frankly I'm a bit jealous, but here in SLC Wednesday means "no boss in the shop" night at the Wild Rose. Usually a bunch of half-wit derelicts show up to hang out and guzzle PBRs in the shop while bewildered customers look on. Every once in a while this weekly meeting of the mindless turns into the Tour de Satan and last night was one of those special nights. The Satan is basically a pedal driven pub crawl in and around the depths of downtown SLC. Last night's edition was a great success rolling about 20 deep on everything from fixed gear bikes to freeride bikes to clunkers to hard-tail jumpers. Well, after getting chased out of Temple Square twice (a few guys even got tackled off their bikes by missionary security guards) hitting several hot spots for refreshments and eluding the cops three times, the ride finally broke apart around 2:30 am. Definitely feeling it this morning in the office (hangover and bruises).

Fucking A right on! SLC rocks. I like it up there. Maybe I'll move there after Bush wins the election. It's either Vancouver, France or Salt Lake City. It's a toss up.

Or a toss off.

Take your pick.

Thursday, September 9, 2004

stormy   I   big stupid tits   I   alissa

Has drunkcyclist jumped the shark? Maybe. I'm too close to the flame to tell. Something about Icarus and the sun and wax and feathers and fucking up could be said here. But that would require skills I seem to lack, so I will leave suck endeavors to others more well suited to the task.

A game that must be played.

Another short hour and a half ride in today. Woefully inadequate, but what can you do? You gotta play the cards your dealt, and all that. If you only have an hour and a half of daylight after work, then that is how long you'll be riding.

'Nuff said.

From: gEERT Subject: representing DC in switzerland. just letting you know that I rode the Grand raid cristalp in verbier this weekend and that somewhere around the 100 km mark I catched up with a guy wearing a drunk cyclist jersey. The guy was standing at the side of the trail puking his guts out. he was reeelly representing DC in style.

I'll call that representing DC in style. Fuck yeah.

Kinda like Pantani. That guy kicked ass.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: I figured you'd appreciate this...... Someone recently added this to a nice climb in Portland's west hills.....

Yeah. I'm feeling it.

From: Adam S. Subject: this falls under the… mywebpages.comcast.net/atrios/bushlove.wmv what the jesus fucking christ is he talking about?

I dunno. I've watched it three times now. My wife said, "Is he for real?".

I don't think I have an answer for that right now.

Anyone got any good links for Finch? His email reads as follows: "How 'bout an appeal for pics of hot Olympic babes? Some of the volleyball grrls would be nice, along with some of the track stars..."

Pretty straight forward. Send 'em in if you got 'em. You'll make Finch's day.

Maybe even his week.

Am I slipping? On the 23rd of this month, it'll be four (4) years for this pill party trainwreck of a website. Can you believe that? Four fucking years of almost daily updates?

I guess I don't really have much of a life...

From: Michael K. Subject: Where's the vuelta link on the pages like you did for the other tours? Huh? I get all my news here, so why make it hard for me to dig and set bookmarks and stuff? You slipping over there, man?

Shit. Maybe I am slipping. After all, four (4) years is a long time. Oh yeah, Vuelta, I'll get right on it. Check out this next email. Ya gotta love the way it all just fits together around here. Seamless, baby. Seamless.

And, you get all your news here?

Jesus, no pressure there. I had better pull my head out of my ass.

From: Brian R. Subject: la vuelta live audio For those of us who wake up early in sept with La Vuelta withdrawal I found a bit of an answer, Live audio from eurosport. eurosport.com the commentary is not the greatest but better than none. Enjoy the Fix.

Right on.

My man Clive sent this crazy gallery site. I don't have any idea what's going on, but I understand bikes and beer. Call it an International language.

Sorta like love.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

ashley robbins   I   stormy   I   fucked up shit

Well, it's official. We hit a 1,000. From the BBC. For me, the best line is, "Bush said the Iraq mission must be completed to honour those killed."

And what exactly is "completed"? Are we going to hand a fucking banner on a ship, take some pictires and call it a day?

That didn't really fucking work last time, did it?

Fuck this guy. America, we can do better than this.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

danni   I   veronica zemanova   I   redhead, dave, you know the rest…

Back in the swing of things now, aren't we? Coming back to work after a fun filled three day weekend can be a little tough, even for us seasoned veterans. And I don't mind telling you, I would have rather sat in the back yard all day drinking beer than go to work this morning.

But, that kind of shit just goes with the territory.

It wasn't quite as hard as the drive back from Alta, Utah, I suffered through two weeks ago. That long in a car with no air-conditioning after a drunken trainwreck of a wedding party, damn. It'll make your skin crawl just thinking about it.

At least it did me.

I drank 4 quarts of water during an eight hour drive, just to give you an idea of what I went through. Most of it wasn't really all that hot and uncomfortable, but when I came down from Jacob's Lake to Lee's Ferry and the temp went up to a that nice and shitty 94, well, lets just say I wanted to die.

I'll tell you this much, the riding up in the Wasatch is kick ass. I met some folks with the Wasatch Mountain Club and checked out their Saturday group ride. And I got my ass pretty much handed to me on a four and a half hour loop. Good times were had and they were followed by beer. Glorious beer.

Man, I'm gettin' kinda thirsty. Those cats know what they're doing, and I would ride with any of them again.

From: chris Subject: floyd brooks has anybody else noticed that Floyd Landis looks just like Dru Brooks? Once again proving the cycling clone theory. You know...like how Ricky Charmichel and Anne Caroline are the same person.

Yeah, and did you ever notice how you never see Floyd Landis and Dru Brooks at the same time in the same place? Coincidence? I think not. They're the same guy.

Oh, the horror.

From: Sluggo Subject: WO4 Jonny, Greetings from sunny Tucson. W04...Kinda rhymes with W Oil Whore. The thought just slipped into my mind as I was getting run off the road by the huddled masses of republican rednecks in their Ford Exploitations.

Yeah, not a lot of love out there on the roads these days, is there? I seem to almost get killed dead while riding my bike, well, about once every day. Go figure.

Check out a little bad news hughes to lighten up your day. Hey, it works for me.

If that doesn't work, try the G Dub girls. It'll either make you laugh, or make you cry. Not a lot of middle ground with something like that.

Can't forget the christian news media service. Always good for a laugh, that bunch of fucking pinheads. I love reading the crap guys like David, Brad and Mark write on that website. You want to know why? Because somewhere there is a lawless young buck feeding David's, Brad's or Mark's daughters all the pills she can handle and straight fucking her senseless. Probably doing the nasty in the old man's house as well.

It makes me feel all warm inside just thinking about it.

One more and I'm out.

From: Lotusfinger Subject: Good Christians WWJD indeed. thedenverchannel.com/news/3710608/detail.html? But I guess pointing out transgressions in the name of God IS a little passé'. How's it go 'not perfect but forgiven"? What would Jesus do? I know he wouldn't run for office. These self described "Christians" seem to forget Jesus avoided politics altogether when the Israelites wanted him to overthrow King Herod and rise up against the Roman occupation. I guess their shepherds uh er preachers don't interpret that for them. And as far as the election goes here's my take: Most Bush supporters seem to support him based on intangible ideology such as conservatism, straight talk(whatever that is) and being tougher on terrorism. Fine whatever but what I know is this: Osama is still at large, Al Queada is still functioning, there is no plan as to how to end our occupation of Iraq, no WMD's found, Al Sadr is still at large, Africa is about to blow up while we watch (I'm sure we'll have to send troops later), Cheney & Rumsfeld are old Nixon cronies, Cheney is still on Halliburtons payroll, ... That's about all I have to say right now

Ok, I'm not done. Read about what Cheney said today in Des Moines, Iowa. And, I'll also throw you another link about how much Bush just plain sucks.

Now I'm done. Rode a whole hour and a half today on the mountain bike. It was pretty damn fun.

Tomorrow will bring another attempt at the strip club's .25 cent PBR draft night. Why? Because I'm stupid, that's why.

From: Steve S. Subject: pabst i once heard a dirt bag messenger i used to work with refer to it as 'hobo beer.'.. ' I've seen it reduce scholars into gibbering idiots.' he continued. now as much as i appreciate the merits of alcohol abuse, pabst on tap is something i tend to steer clear of. that shit will fucking kill you. in the bottles its the nectar of the gods, but out of a keg, never again...

Oh God...

Monday, September 6, 2004

erica campbell   I   lonnie   I   redhead for dave

Labor Day Weekend. Yeehaa. Bring it on.

We got ourselves a bike race going on. The Vuelta a España, and it promises to be a good one. I'm limited to reading about it. I guess that will save me the trouble of spending every morning down at the coffee shop, now won't it?

Landis in the lead? I didn't see that coming. I guess winning the opening team time trial stage will pack the GC for ya. Looks like a whole lotta Postal for the next week. Till about Stage 9 when all hell is going to break loose. Someone asked me if I thought Landis could be the man to win the damn thing about a week ago. My answer? No.

Stage 2, my man Alessandro Petacchi opens up another can of whoop ass in a full bunch gallop. The man just flies when he sees the line, doesn't he?

And, you think it was a little windy out there maybe?

I'm liking the looks of this race. Oh yes I am. How 'bout some non-political shiznit:

From: Reg Subject: Bike Babe Jonny, How could you have possibly missed this one; chicktrainer.com/thehun/024rz/clean.htm, spending too much time reading all that political bull? Come on man, get your priorities straightened the hell out.

Hey, if you're going to get loaded and drive, I always say you might as well be running a horse and buggy. I mean, do it in style, right?

Like rocking gold bar tape and gold shoes just because you are a P I M P.

Ever wonder just what goes on in the Olympic Village with all those hard bodied athletes packed in like lemming? Two words: Fuck fest.

And some political shiznit:

From: Ray Subject: Arnie's script contained flaws shock! Hi Jonny Love the website and have been watching the speeches in NY - from across the pond - with some amusement (and some horror it has to be said). Arnie's childhood recollections were a particular favourite but I'm assuming you won't see this on Fox News any time soon... guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,1297108,00.html

Imagine that, another example of someone being not so completely truthful at the RNC. I just can't believe it.

What a surprise.

From: Jake G. Subject: The W. can't speak I just came across this link: public.iastate.edu/~hoyj/dubyaSpeak.html Particularly funny is the last snip, where the President so badly muddles his own speech that one can only assume he's drunk (not that there's anything wrong with that): public.iastate.edu/~hoyj/sounds/4000hours.mp3 You know, Kerry may have dropped his Boston patrician pronunciation in order to seem more like an everyman, but at least it all still comes out clearly.

I can't knock a drunk. I am one these days. But, damn homeboy, you got a mouth full of fucking marbles.

Can you feel the love tonight?

From: Response Subject: Bush can't fight I fight almost every day. I am covered with scars and fresh marks. I study fighting. Then I listen to old gw say that he has a rigid approach on terrorism and is unyielding in his fight (our fight) on terrorism. That sounds great to the unlearned. But those who understand how a fight works know that when you become predictable, you are easier to defeat. Maybe if he ever fought, he would know this. Lets take a lesson from Dr. Jigoro Kano the inventor of Judo, the first martial art recognized by the Olympics....judoinfo.com/kano4.htm "It might have been the day when Kano first defeated Iikubo. Until then he had never managed to get the better of the Kito-ryu stylist (then master of the art Jujitsu) . But that day in randori practice, Kano blocked every move Iikubo made, then called on his "uki-waza" and "sumi-otoshi" to throw the Jujitsu master no less than three times." "Kano explained: "Force your opponent to make his body rigid and lose his balance, and then when he is helpless, you attack." Iikubo replied: "From now on, you teach me." This defeat of his master was accomplished by Dr. Kano without ever striking his opponent. With an opponent as flexible as we have, they are making us move, not vice versa. And so, old gw could learn a thing or two if he had ever stepped into the ring... Instead he's a draft slipping, coke snorting, death penalty enforcing, womanizing, beer guzzling, never had ambitions for the presidency (on tape) piece of lying sack of shit, reborn to contradict his former lifestyle! Flipity flop.....Now that we are on his former path we are sinners? Nice way to burn your friends. Imagine going to a bar with this guy, he runs up a tab (the deficit) and says he inherited that debt and he needs 8 years to fix it instead of the 4 that he thought. Does that work in any bar in the USA? Honestly I would have GW pissing his pants and admitting that he's a sorry excuse for a woman in one round, whether drinking or on the mat or street for that matter. Talk that shit and I'll pull your card.

When I see you in Tucson, I'll buy the first round. And remind me never to piss you off.

A guy named Frank wrote in about a bumper sticker he saw that said, "Terrorists are the result of making enemies faster than you can kill Them."

He might just be on to something with that one. I'm hypnotized just thinking about it.

From: G Subject: If everyone is the world was allowed to vote Since your current president seems to think that he is president of the whole freaking world it seems only right that everyone in the entire world would get a vote in the presidential elections betavote.com gives you an idea of the possible outcome, strangely enough Iraq is one of the only countries electing bush.

Hey man, don't over look the world power which is Liechtenstein. At last count, they were 85% in favor of Bush. Sure, it was 12-2, but it's a small country.

If we overlooked the small ones, Rhode Island would be forever marginalized.

And we just can't have that, now can we?

Maybe just one more of these before I start wrapping up this fucker.

From: Drew Subject: Bush website Jonny, I guess that because Bush is president he thinks that he can make up words and change the grammatical workings of the English language. dubyaspeak.com

Friday, September 3, 2004

ass parade   I   there outta be a law…   I   dirty birdy

If you're a left leaning doochebag political junkie like me, you listened to the Republican National Convention in awe. Idiotic, drooling awe. Here is a good write up by Paul Krugman over at the NY Times website.

Another good article on how Opposing Bush becomes unpatriotic by William Saletan over at Slate.

GOP strategist Scott Reed was quoted by the Reuter news agency this week as saying the Bush camp's position is that "two debates are sufficient and will not dominate the entire fall schedule… Three debates would have a tendency to be a little overbearing on your campaign strategy and tactics,"

So, Bush doesn't feel participating in the planned Presidential debates is important? Overbearing on campaign strategy?

It's a good thing the world is a safer place now. Otherwise, a liberal pussy such as myself might worry himself to pieces. Pieces I say.

From: Tom M. Subject: Can you tell the difference Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question: You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a loaded Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that is not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? What does my wife think? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. Republican's Answer: BANG! Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"

It's a good thing I'm just a liberal pussy who doesn't own any guns. Other wise, I'd just worry myself to death. Ok, I don't own any more than three guns. And they're certainly not, like, loaded or anything. Ok, they're loaded.

I just want to move to France. Is that so bad?

Man, Zig Zag Zell can't even catch a break these days. He even got snubbed by the Republicans. After all that red meat he heaved out on the convention floor, you'd think they'd all want to be seen sitting with him soaking up the glory of Zellyvision. Jeez. Talk about the rough treatment.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: Re: This about sums it up The republicans have put so much distance between themselves and any rational frame of reference in the last several years that even their most outlandish words and deeds seem perfectly reasonable to far too many people for my comfort. If Kerry doesn't get over a bad case of Al Gore disease fairly quickly, we're fucked; he could lose this thing as hard as that is to believe. Thanks for keeping this stuff in front of peoples' eyes. Hopefully people will begin to realize the extent to which a state of suspended disbelief has stood between them and the deep moral outrage many of us have felt for quite some time. We saw last time how important just a few votes can be. Especially the votes of Supreme Court justices........ Didja catch Maureen Dowd on Letterman last week? Wow. Talk about your basic hot redhead.....

I missed Dowd. Kinda wished I hadn't.

God damn it all to hell. I just realized I spaced posting this link to chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=9359 with an email from last week. Shit fire. I went back and added it to the archived page. I'm a fucking retard, I swear to God. Oh well, you can check it out now I suppose.

Today I joined Big Gay Randy for yet another edition of Fixed Gear Friday. It's a little something he and I used to do back in Tempe a few years back. But, instead of the butt crack of dawn, we're doing this shit at the sensible hour of 4:00 pm.

Meet at 4:00 and start riding at 4:20. Don't ask me, that wasn't my call. I'll stick to the Tecate, thank you very much. Anyway, be at AZ Bikes next week at 4:00 pm with a fixed gear (39x17 gearing or close to it) and maybe a six pack or flask of hooch. We'll head out, chill somewhere and after a few minutes of damaging ourselves, we'll get rolling.

If you show up with gears, or something that ain't fixed, you had better be a chick. Or else Big Gay Randy might just get hostile.

And I really don't need that in my life right now. It's frightening enough that the Gnome will make an appearance and kill us all. He hands out beat downs like he's handing out breath mints.

And I don't even like breath mints.

From: Matt E. Subject: bush by numbers news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/ This was front page and pages 4,5, and 6 in The Independent newspaper today. BBC and The Independent know where it is at :)

Word up.

Thursday, September 2, 2004

hey now   I   oh hell   I   trashy blondie

I awoke this morning to a hangover of unparalleled fierceness and viciousness. I literally feared by head was damaged in a fall I could not remember taking. Did I wreck coming home on my bike last night, I asked myself as I stumbled through the back door an into the yard.

I sat, tossing the tennis ball to my ever loving insane little dog, and thought, no, I don't think I hit my head on the ground stuffing it up somewhere between here and the bar. This was self inflicted PBR on tap and $2 dollar well drinks damage. And, oh, did it ever hurt.

I made it though a breakfast of toast, a shower and the ride to work without vomiting. An impressive feat considering the savagery I had done to myself the night before. Damndest thing is I can't remember drinking all that much. Not so much that I would be feeling this badly.

Get to work and get a look at Ray-Ray and J-Dub. Nice nicknames, I know, but I do try and keep real names off this pill party of a porn site as much as I can. Anyway, the long and short of it is that I'm not the only one who feels like a truck hit him last night. Ray-Ray was the first to leave the bar, hours before I left, and he's as bad as I am. J-Dub took it easy on the sauce, smart little bastard, and he's a little rough as well.

We figured it had to be the PBR on tap. Something with the CO2 maybe, I dunno. For my own part, I don't imagine swilling down well liquor did me any good. That evil rot gut shit rum is running a god damn freight train through my fucking head right now.

I'll see you all in hell, I suppose.

More than 1,100 people arrested outside the RNC.

Hot damn, we got another race in the works. September 12th, at Fort Tuthill. Come on up and race in the pines. More info here and even a pdf entry form.

And, you want to talk about drunk? This guy absolutely owns the "This one time I was so drunk that…" story. Probably for ever.

In the "you gotta be shitting me" column, I have this to offer up. Voting devices with no paper trail, just bits, bytes and a whole lotta bullshit. I'm confident it will all work out just fine. Because I'm a Patriotic American.

Today's recommended reading:

talkingpointsmemo.com
newdonkey.com
nytimes.com/2004/08/29/magazine/29REPUBLICANS.html
slate.com/id/2105912
slate.com/id/2106023
slate.com/id/2106097

Be warned, this next one is kinda tricky.

From: Tony Baggadonutz Subject: Hey, Can you spot the five differences in these two pictures? I could only find four. This is difficult. members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

Ugh. That was difficult.

Do these 527 groups have any shame? I put it to you, fair and educated reader, drunks that you may be…

From: evelyn Subject: Pleasure boat captains for the truth pleasurecaptains.com "Unfit to be served beer" "George W. Bush says he gave up drinking in 1986. That's a lie. I remember a night back in 1980 when he gave up drinking, after only three or four beers. I asked if everything was okay, and he nodded. Another lie, because then he threw up all over the deck. When I asked him to help clean it up the next morning, he started crying so hard that I figured, just forget it." --Wilbur Buckley, Skipper, S.S. Xanad

Damn, that one rules.

And it just keeps coming:

From: Response Subject: Bush and Hitler and God 3 of a perfect pair I don't know if you posted this yet but, freepress.org or even bobpayne.com Sez Bush; "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." "I understand," the President bristled, "that Saddam Hussein got on TV immediately thereafter and said -- and I quote -- 'OK, I choose you.'" As far as four more years goes, I think George said it best. There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, fool me once, shame on...... (long pause) shame on you. Fool me …(long pause) can't get fooled again." Neither can we George, neither can we...

Maybe we should all just vote for Harry Bottoms this time?

Read this one about Bush. A key quote: "…during the early days of the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003, Bush authorized the bombings of civilian targets, including a restaurant, merely on the belief that Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein or other Iraqi leaders might be there."

If that is true, and I fear that it is, I will say this: Blowing up a restaurant full of innocents in an attempt to get one or two bad guys sounds a whole lot like fucking terrorism to me.

Another link to check out, Muslims for Nader. Hey, who knew? Also, a good bit on what really gets blacked out on those super scary secret government documents by our fine public servants of the Justice Department at memory hole.

Come to think of it, you should probably be reading just about everything the memory hole posts. Think of it as a civic duty. That and tipping strippers.

Hey man, we all gotta play our part.

Check your political pulse.

What's up with these fucking 9-11 hijackers? Do we know who the fuck the were, or not? Jesus Fucking Christ. Read about it over at BBC.

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

jaroslava   I   yana   I   naughty

Wednesday night in Flagstaff only means one thing this time of year. Amateur night. That's right, at our one and only strip club, it's fucking amateur night. And, as if you needed another reason to go, it's .25 cent PBR night.

Holy Sweet Jesus, how could I miss that?

I asked myself the same question.

Last week Nic the Dick went and said:

"Yes...and I must say, It was interesting to say the least...PACKED w/ chicks and guys…4 amateurs, 3 REAL hot…Schools is back!...Naughty girls for the picking...Missed a good time.....Next Weds, you should go...Its my Birthday on Thursday.......Will destroy…"

Pretty much says it plainly, doesn't he?

Yee haa. George Bush, Nice guy? Or, the Devils Spawn?

I'm Rick James Bitch. I'm one of the baddest mother fuckers of all time. One of the best singers, and one of the best looking mother fuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.

Its not often I make a thirty four word hyperlink, but for Rick James, I'll make an exception.

May as well dip in the mail bag…

From: Brad M. Subject: Links from Australia Hey Big J, Good work at Leadville. If you feel like coming to the other side of the planet, check out this bad boy simpson desert cycle As the Queensland government says.... "In the dry heart of Australia, Simpson Desert National Park contains part of the world's largest and youngest parallel sand dune desert. This is Queensland's largest national park. The parallel, wind-blown sand dunes up to 90m high are about 1km apart, extend up to 200km and run north-west to south-south-east. Between the dunes are gibber-ironstone flats, claypans, saltpans and sand plains. There are no tracks in the park and walking any distance is not recommended. Stay with your vehicle. Always wear a hat and sunscreen and drink plenty of water." What better place for a bike race? Well, let me suggest Byron Bay, home of these lovelies wickedweasel.com Fuck the desert. Cheers.

Right on.

From: Karla D. Subject: Yellow Ribbons Do you see those magnetic yellow ribbons all over vehicles in your area? The American Legion in this area, (Montana) sells them with touching, "Support our military" type messages. I think someone (like YOU!) should make a Black ribbon that says, "Let them have their Fucking Oil, lets bring our soldiers home!" Do you like it??

Like it? I love it.

Oh shitty, it's time to go to the club. Later skater…