Today's ride was the big one, the grand daddy, the last big push before Leadville. I was a bit out of my head last night getting geared up for an All Fucking Day (AFD) experience on the bike and pack for my vacation trip. Some of you may already sense this as I straight up butchered the update yesterday with all kinds of unreadable banter. I'm not winning an awards over here, but even this was below my usual level of incompetence. I'm leaving tomorrow for about a week. I may be able to update while I'm out and about, but somehow I wouldn't count on it.

I feel so much better now.

I left this morning at 9:30 am. I rode up Elden Lookout Road to the turn off for the towers, turned left and rode down Sunset trail to Schultz tank. Went across Shultz Pass Road to Waterline Road and climbed to Abineau Canyon. Turned around, went way back down Waterline, turned right onto the pipeline and cut across to Weatherford trail. Grunt up Weatherford to the top of Freidlin Prairie Road, turn left and head on across to Snow Bowl Road. Turn right and start climbing. Top out at the parking lot, turn around, bomb back down in the rain. Hit 180, turn left and head back into town. Get home at 5:00 pm. Find bed and take nap.

It was quite a day. Seven and a half hours in the saddle with either make me a hard man, or it will break me in two.

I'll let you know in a few days how it worked out.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: I thought the spectacle of a spectacularly shitty contract negotiated by an idiot rapper and a guy walking away from millions just cuz he didn't want to pee in the bottle any more was pretty damn funny too, but I'm not ready to write Ricky off as just another dope-addled nutcase. Here's a guy who was down with the idea of getting paid for his production (which unfortunately for an NFL running back depends on a whole lot of things he has no control over) and who explained his "retirement" by saying "I was never strong enough not to play football but I'm strong enough now." Take if from a guy for whom not a day goes by that he doesn't question whether what he gave up to the man in exchange for his relatively comfortable existence was worth it-there's more out there. Me? Since I've already sold out I think I'd have let the Porsches and Poontang have their way with me a while longer, but I've got nothing but admiration for folks who chose to take the road less traveled. Then again, maybe this is proof positive that the shit really does make you stupid..............

You know, I really don't care if Ricky Williams wants to sit on his ass for the rest of his years and pull tubes. Fuck, he's earned it.

And I don't think I have to say much about the choice Pat Tillman made.

That's it, it's 11:30 at night and I'm catching a plane in the morning out of Sky Harbor down in Phoenix. I am so out of here…

Friday, July 30, 2004

lesbians rule   I   krystal steal   I   lesbians still rule

Go read rebel with a cause over at Daily Peleton.

Check out this car jackin mother fucker.

And lets watch what he plant in our front yards. Could lead to trouble with the local po-po.

From: Bill Subject: weed Big J, I completely understand your (our) disdain for Mr. Imren. However, using the herbal remedy against him (as in Ricky Williams) when comparing performance enhancing/non-enhancing drugs is verging on loco. I know you don't smoke weed. I know this. But I really don't think Williams quit football because he couldn't stop toking. Simply put, and I suspect you know this as fact, ganja does not cause physical addiction. Psychological addiction? Maybe....depending on the individual. Truth be told, if I was on top of my game, with millions in the bank, and some schmuck told me to lay off the bong.....well, I'd tell him to fuck right off too. There now. I feel better. Fuck Wal Mart and Fuck Bush.

Yeah, I don't smoke weed anymore. I sure used to. Anyway, I was taking a crack at Ricky Williams. No offense meant to the many weed smoking fans of the site.

I should have said something along the lines of "your heroes can't lay off the blunts enough to pass a piss test." Bottom line, my joke tanked.

I still think it's pretty fucked up that the NFL even tests for marijuana. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with smoking pot? I can't believe we put people in jail for that shit. What a fucking waste of time.

The shit ought to be legal, that's all I know.

If your computer was straight up fucked in the ass from after some assclown wrote up a virus and unleashed it on the world last year, I'll bet you were pretty pissed off about it. I know I was. Well, meet the assclown.

This next story just warms the heart. "Archaeologists working in southern Peru found an ancient brewery more than 1,000 years old.". Read the rest here.

A reader brought it to my attention that I failed to revisit the EPO test Filip Meirhaeghe tanked. I figure I should say something. It doesn't surprise me at all that he failed. The only way to get these guys is out of competition tests. You test 'em on race day, well, the smart one already figured that shit out. And it ain't exactly rocket science.

It's a bit like testing a weight lifter for steroids the day of the big comp. You're not going to find a lot of guys with drugs in their system at that point. All the drugs were ingested during the "build up" period, way before they tapered off before the actually competition.

At least Meirhaeghe had the common decency to retire. Not like that's any consolation to guys like my man Todd Wells. He's pissed, and justifiably so.

I wish I could say I have the answers, that I can draw a line between the drugs and the doping and the heroes and the cheats and make it all just go away.

But I can't.

So I'll just keep cheering for the heroes. Go get 'em Wells. I'll be right here watching.

Anyone down with the Vuelta?

From: Swil Subject: OLN Vuelta petition Hey Big Jonny, Those fuckers at OLN are considering not covering the Vuelta the same way they do the Giro and Tour. We need to them know that they're fucking idiots if they don't. petitiononline.com/vuelta3/petition.html

This guy has said it and said it well.

From: Lines Subject: Had to say…something Hey Jonny, you asked "For fucks sake, can't I just have a socially liberal but fiscally conservative candidate for one of these god damn election go rounds? Is that too much to ask?", I just wanted to point out what would happen if you got your candidate... he would be done in 4 to 8 years... and then you are back where you started. I say don't bitch about what you don't have. Make the best of what do have. I mean there is a reason that things like unions and interest groups are around. For the most part they are a group of private citizens that give money to a cause they want promoted. Be it the NRA or Green Peace. This is what makes this country so fucking great. I can be ultra conservative on money.... left wing on social rights and not give one good God Damn on the environment if I wanted. Why... because I can. It's America. So all this brings me back to why I am writing this in the first place. I am really looking forward to after the elections because I am hoping that I can start reading about epic rides, people doing dumb shit and motivating events again.

I wrote him and said I'd start working on the motivational events pronto. Right after I link a story about Afghanistan is likely to "implode, with terrible consequences" and this uplifting tale about how "Americans' overall income shrank for two consecutive years after stocks plunged in 2000, the first time that has effectively happened since the current tax system was put in place during World War II..

I gotta start doing something or I'm going to end up sticking my head in a fucking gas oven for the big dirt nap. Which actually might end up nicely.

So, Bush is starting his new campaign, with the smart little slogan: "Heart and Soul Tour: Moving America Forward". In honor of that, I'm going to start the "Tits and Ass Tour: Taking America Back" campaign.

You know, just because I can.

This'd be tits and this'd be ass.

And plain old porn.

If anyone is interested in seeing where it is I live, check out these webcams in the Flagstaff area over at jan.ucc.nau.edu/~wal2/webcams.htm. Just to clear up this common misconception that Arizona is all deserts. You see, Flagstaff is at 7,000 feet above sea level. It friggin snows here.

I also found a controllable webcam situated downtown. Right now some guy (I'm guessing it's a guy) has it set up to see straight down some girls shirt while she's eating. Considering I just had lunch at the same restaurant, on the same patio, just today, I kinda feel weird about it. I wonder if someone was watching me while I was eating?

If so, I hope I was entertaining.

This woman drive me fucking insane.

From: Mike D. Subject: check check this out you little Brown Shirt Let's SIGN UP what do you say?? abqjournal.com/elex/204620elex07-30-04.htm

Too stupid to be President had the top 11 reasons why Dubya fell of his bike. I figure that one is as good as any to end this with.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

silvie thomas   I   yo, what?   I   lesbians rule

I had great plans for an update tonight. It all went to shit. Go figure.

I've gotten over thirty emails forwarded to me that you folks sent to one Mr. Mike Imrem. Good looking out, people.

The one thing I wanted to link right off the top is the story about how Ricky Williams failed a third drug test before he retired from football. The key line is "marijuana was a bigger factor in his retirement than he initially indicated."

I wonder how old Mike Imrem is handling that little piece of information?

Probably not that well.

Hey Mike! My heroes take performance enhancing drugs. Your heroes can't stop smoking chronic for millions of dollars.

I've also heard this Imrem fella has done some baiting before. Check out this soccer related site, October 8th, for some info on Mike Imrem's method of operation.

He must just be really bored.

Check out the videos over at sublime directory. Most of them suck a mile of moose cock. But the first one on the left is totally insane. The bare knuckle boxing one. Now that is a tough ass mother fucker.

And, I've seen the guy who wins the fight before. Usually you can find him lurking about in the beginning of the promo vids over at in the vip. I knew he was big. I just didn't know he could fight like that too.

From: Tony Bagadonuts Subject: 100% Cycling...YEAH BABY!!! Jonny, Thanks for Tuesday July 27th. ALL CYCLING! We get enough Political BS everywhere else.

I was doing pretty good there for awhile. Till about yesterday I suppose. Then it all went straight into the crapper again.

Like, when I read this transcript of the "discussion" between Michael Moore and Bill O'Reilly, I lost me head. And then I linked it.

Bad jonny. No donut.

And, god damn, I love a donut. Can I get a witness?

How 'bout a hell yeah?

From: Fishy 40 Subject: he is running for the presidency! Before his speech tonight, I was going to vote just to get a little Bush outta da office uv da presindency. Now, I actually want to vote for the son-of-a-bitch! Would like to hear a few more details, but there are more certainties with Kerry than with the infantile aptitude of our current Idiot-In-Chief. I'm just tired of listening to a government trying to convince me to live in fear of something they continually create. I am really fucking tired. Tired of Ass-hcroft, Rum-filled, Chain-E, Rice and Bush!! This is the Blue Collar Comedy Tour without the "comedy" and the "Blue collar". Every time I see Bush attempting to portray himself as an "every-man's-man" I wanna puke. This fuck had more silver spoons to sniff his coke from than Kerry could ever imagine. Just a bit o'venting, eh? Although, I used to want to vote for "Anybody-But-Bush!" Now, I want to give my vote to John Kerry! But, that #%@*8 better do something with it!!!!

I didn't catch the whole speech, but I listened to some of it on the radio. I thought the old boy did a pretty good job. But, with me, he's preaching to the choir.

From: John Subject: The Bicycle Corps: America's Black Army on Wheels Hey Jonny, Check these guys out... stuhrmuseum.org/research/BicycleCorp.htm I'd never heard of 'em before I saw the documentary the other day. These guys rode their bicycles from Montana to St. Louis, Missouri on super heavy bikes, sometimes for several days in a row, in the wilderness... with full gear, back packs, guns, et cetera... all on wooden wheels... Man, what a bunch of pussies we've become... The link is just a random one I found by searching. If you get a chance, check out the documentary.

Now, those guys are hard.

I just can't resist this. I really can't. Check out this teaser: "We have to face the very real possibility that the President of the United States is loony tunes…"

Read more here.

Ok, back to biking. This Saturday is to be my last big ride before the slow decline towards Leadville. I'm going big, but I just don't quite know where yet. As long as it adds up to a good seven hours, I don't think I care where I go.

It ought to be a damn good time.

I figure I'll just leave it with this one and be done with it.

From: Gordon Subject: Found this link on another site this morning. It's a decent time waster. click on "Play this game". newgrounds.com/portal/view/180106

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

eve with bike   I   adriana sage   I   susana

The procycling site pick up on, and pick on, Mike Imrem. Sad bastard, isn't he?

Some good news on the economy from CNN.

Kinda makes me feel like river dancing. Or, lying to the pollsters.

"Saturday evening the Texan toasted his imminent consecration as the greatest ever Tour rider with a bottle of Bordeaux Chateau Sieuza 1998. Another prestigious name, Ferrari, was also in attendance." Man, I wish I could have been there to ask Ferrari about my orange juice intake. What a night it must have been…

I know I already linked up the story of the people fucking onstage at a cumshots (yes, that's the name of the band) concert to benefit the rainforest. Fucking for the forest, or something like that. Well, more pics up over at blabbermouth.net for your viewing pleasure.

More in the realm of Mr. Armstrong's Universe:

From: Corey the Courier Subject: Armstorng?! Yeah he won again, but he went a bit too far fucking with the Italians in the midst of investigating a doping scandal. Armstrong is finished. No seven nor eight tours. Just retirement or face the coming whirlwind of controversy about Italy and doping. Although right now in America he's a prince who can do no wrong. In Europe, thanks to extradition, he'll be a zero even faster than Pantani after the '99 Giro. It's nice to know a few cyclists won't get hit because of "Lance", but when this shit hits the fan, the cars will resume the drive-by run-downs. velonews.com/news/fea/6688.0.html

The "…sporting fraud, violence and intimidation of a witness" charges have not yet been filed, only considered. Scary enough that they are even considered.

It does open up an interesting precedent as how can two racers with any legal proceedings between them ever ride in the same race? If they compete against each other, it is because of the race or the disagreement between them? Or, two directors at odds, a rider suing his former team for unpaid wages, etc. The list just goes on and on.

I guess a lot of it might hinge on the discussion between Armstrong and Simeoni. Of course, only the two the them know what really transpired between them.

Unless one of them had their mic on, or the tv guys were able to listen in, or a bird might tell me…

From: S. Subject: Top WC mtn biker busted for EPO? Yo big Jonny, who is the World Cup rider who just got busted using EPO? I just read it on Wells' site but he won't say who it is......

I had read about Adam Bergman today, but the mountain bike rider is a new one for me. First I've heard of it. Lemme see, Wells says "This same rider was not permitted to compete in the 1997 World Championships in Chateuxde because he had such a high hematocrit he was considered unfit to race."

And, at the 1997 Championships four riders were "barred from competition". And they are: Jean Chr. Savignoni, Seamus McGrath and Filip Meirhaeghe. The fourth rider being unnamed.

Well, take your pick of the three. I don't know who it is. Yet. But I have my suspicions. I'm working on confirming it. When I know I'll post it.

* I've got it on good word it's the man from Belgium. *

I'm sure this will splash all over sites like cyclingnews and velonews tomorrow.

A new twist on an old, beat up, seen-it-a-million times kinda deal. I mean, at this point who hasn't seen the dildo bike? Ok, maybe some of you haven't.

Either way, these are new to me, and fuck it, I think you'll like it.

From: jp Subject: babes and bikes dumbvirgins.com/cohf/51/images/1.jpg dumbvirgins.com/cohf/51/images/2.jpg dumbvirgins.com/cohf/51/images/3.jpg dumbvirgins.com/cohf/51/images/4.jpg Nothing better than chicks and bikes. That's one bike I wouldn't want to ride.

I wouldn't want to ride that bike either. But I wouldn't mind owning one. It could come in handy. Never know when you might need something like that to liven up a party.

Say it with me now, "whoops".

From: "M" Subject: i adore you, but jonny, when you think of character and integrity in cycling, don't you think of greg lemond first and foremost? you should. it is common knowledge that lance is a punk- a fine athlete, but a punk nonetheless. even lance seems to know this. lemond jealous? how about considering that lemond is simply sick of armstrong getting so much credit when there are numerous other riders-present and past-who are amazingly gifted athletes sans drugs. i have met lemond, as i believe you & most of the boys from tempe have, and after spending a decent amount of time with him, i will say that his attitude is nothing but positive, his words kind AND truthful. in my humble view, 3 wins drug-free is far more impressive than 6 wins doped. you realize that no matter how much sweetness you talk about lance, you still ain't gonna come home to find sheryl & him in your bed, right???

I'd rather not find him or Sheryl in my bed. Under any circumstances.

And, I guess I wasn't very clear on the whole Lemond thing. I've got a signed poster of the man. He's a hero. And, I've got to side with him on the issue.

Check out Bad News Hughes.

When you're done laughing your ass off to that one, click here for the main page.

I'm about to get all political. I can just feel it coming on. Must be emails like this to blame. Yep. Blame it on the emails. Or the darkstar. Or whatever.

From: Mike Subject: jeez jesus goddamn fukking christ .....fuk, fuk, fuk all goddamn fukking bastards, fuk em, fuk em, fuk em all ... and string Katherine Harris and Republicans up for good measure. nytimes.com/2004/07/28/politics/campaign/28vote.final.html?hp

Damn, what's this? More shitty news out of Florida?

Say it isn't so.

My favorite line in that article is: "This shows that unless we do something now - or it may very well be too late - Florida is headed toward being the next Florida," said Lida Rodriguez-Taseff, a lawyer who is the chairwoman of the coalition.

In conclusion: Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

So this guy writes a webpage about the 9/11 commission findings. The key item is his Update II, way down at the bottom of the page: "I should note that neither I nor the 9/11 Report are claiming that Iraq and Al Qaeda were engaged in an ongoing possible. I merely point out that there was quite a history of mutual overtures, an apparent willingness to work together, and possible historic cooperation on chemical production/training.

I neither suggest, believe, nor consider it relevant to the prewar calculation, that Iraq was in an ongoing cooperative relationship with Al Qaeda. As Bush said, the danger from that relationship laid in the future"

But, we did not invade Iraq because of "a history of mutual overtures". We did not invade Iraq because of an "apparent willingness" and "possible" "cooperative relationship with Al Qaeda".

We invaded Iraq because our leaders told us there would be mushroom clouds over our country if we failed to act and that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

Of course, none of this turned out to be true. But maybe it doesn't really matter in the end, 'cause we all just love to be on the winning side.

My country, right or wrong.

Or, in the present tense, right and wrong.

For fucks sake, can't I just have a socially liberal but fiscally conservative candidate for one of these god damn election go rounds? Is that too much to ask?

Maybe.

And, at times like these, I wonder if anyone is even reading this update anymore. You had me at hello, you lost me at Bush. So much for bikes, boobs and beers. This site is rapidly becoming all about bitch, bitch and bitch.

I made my bed, I'll lie in it.

Because I'm an optimist.

Just ask the Gnome.

From: Gnome Subject: Optimist You? an optimist? Paleese.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

redhead for dave   I   I am going to hell   I   lesbians rule

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Mike Imren. He brings the argument that cyclists are not real athletes. A stupid angle if ever there was one. And, doesn't someone come out with this tired old line every couple of months?

You can email Mike and tell him just what you think of his point of view. You know, if you want to.

It's probably just a big waste of time, but it might be fun too. I mean, comparing Ricky Williams, a guy who never played up to his potential, to Lance Armstrong, a man who more that reached his potential, is just ridiculous. Didn't Williams come into the league with a crappy incentive laden contract written up by No Limit Sports and Percy Miller. Percey being better known as Master P the rapper.

Yeah, that went well.

I'm thinking Imren has just got to be kidding. I mean, he's joking, right?

Whatever.

You want some eye candy? Check out the selection over at Fair Wheel Bikes. I don't know about you, but I'm drooling on myself.

There has been a lot of chatter lately about drugs in cycling. First we had Greg Lemond's comments in a French newspaper. Since I can't read French, I had to rely on whatever scraps were fed to me by the English language website like this translation over at the cycling forums website.

I'm not too sure of the timing of all this, but I think the Lemond interview came up around July 14th. I can tell you Armstrong's retort made velonews on the 15th.

Another article came out around the 12th, but it didn't splash like the Lemond one did. I'm talking about the revelations by Matt DeCanio of the doping he witnessed as a junior in Europe and the doping he later became involved with himself. It was a gutsy move, and I have tons of respect for Mr. DeCanio for coming out with that one.

I my opinion is takes balls to admit you did something you shouldn't have, that you regret it, wish you could change it, and can't. Sort of like what David Millar is going through.

Then we had the open letter by Andy Hampsten that came out on the 24th. It has been a very busy month.

There are folks all over the internet saying things like Lemond's comments were timed to take away Armstrong's glory at the Tour. That is was to put Lemond back in the spotlight. That it was all just jealousy.

So, explain DeCanio and Hampsten? Since neither of these gentlemen are former Tour winners, I wouldn't expect them to be terribly upset that Armstrong is overshadowing their Tour accomplishments.

If not jealousy, what can it be?

Could it be they really do care about cycling? And they'd like to make a difference?

I'm going to guess it's more of the latter and less of the former.

But, you know me, I'm a hopeless optimist.

Monday, July 26, 2004

ashley robbins   I   barbie griffin   I   damn

I know folks like Snake are fucking sick and tired of the whole political angle of the site. They have even branded me the "political cyclist".

Whatever. I still thought this one was pretty funny, in an "I'm scared to close my eyes at night" kind of way.

"For most of rural America, "values" come down to the three Gs: gays, guns and God."

Yeah buddy. Read the rest of it here.

And, why stop now? I've already forced Snake to click over to some other site to get his porn fix.

From: VLB Subject: Make the madness STOP Is that a lame-ass photo op with the flag in the background or what?! Where do I sign up for a couple of hours in the woods with W. my favorite "bikemen" You might think a couple of mountain bike adventures would enlighten Him to the value of public forest land preservation. But hey if you've got your own 1600 acres of trails screw everyone else. hosted.ap.org

It just defies words. Really. I'm fucking speechless.

Ok, I'm better now. And, what's with the mouth guard thing again? What is that thing?

"There are trees and a drop-off nearby, and the road is littered with rocks, but Bush, wearing a helmet and a mouth guard, is uninjured."

Uh huh.

Of course the article goes on to bring up the old roadie vs. mountain biker drama with this statement: "When the reporter points out that Democrat John Kerry has a $8,000 road bicycle, Bush says, "Who?"

Great. Our upcoming Presidential election boiled down to the lowest common denominator. Skinny tires or knobbies? Pavement or dirt? Trek or Serotta?

What's the fucking difference anyway? They're all bikes after all.

It's old news by now, but the Mt. Evans hill climb record was broken this weekend by Tom Danielson. More about that one over at velonews. Scott Moninger was second at 8:40, but somehow took the hill climb title due to some licensing issue. Don't ask me, just read the article. And Flagstaff's own Drew Miller was third, some nine minutes back. Big Tex was there and came in at around 13th place, at just under two hours.

Nader supporters read this.

Ted Turners beef with big media explained in his own words.

This weekend was the Taylor House benefit ride. A nice little 110 miler with friends. Alas, we did not eat donuts as Big Gay Randy suggested would be proper. Instead we just rode.

On a sad note, there was one hell of a crash at 50 miles per hour that took out Flagstaff local yokel Derek Brown. He's in the hospital with a couple of busted ribs and collarbone with the road rash and abrasions one would expect with an accident at that speed. I expect him to up on his feet and back to his good old self in no time.

I missed the crash as I was in front of it, but damn. Not nice.

I was one of the last guys to make the split of ten riders. We rode well together for a couple of hours, then all hell broke loose for me at the uphill City Limit spring coming into Williams. It was bye bye time for the big man as seven remaining men rode away from me, seemingly without effort. The bastards.

I hoped I could catch back on over the top and down the backside, but no. Those guys were gone, gone, gone. I made the turn onto the interstate by myself and chased the thirty odd miles back into Flagstaff. I did catch the Gnome, who had been dropped not long after I was. He was in a bad patch, and I carried on without him.

Then the fun really started. Rain, hail, thunder and lightening accompanied me all the way back into town. It was brutal. Not a lot of fun out there on the shoulder of I-40 with big trucks blowing by and spraying me with a mix of water, road grim and diesel fuel.

I just wanted to get to the finish. I just wanted it to end.

Eventually, I made my way back into town, through traffic, and up the hill to the hospital where the ride ends. And Derek was having a chest tube installed. I didn't know this at the time, of course.

I thought I was chasing at least six guys, but it turned out they had pulled off the highway at the last sag stop. I didn't . I rode right past the exit for Parks as the last thing I wanted was water with the weather the way it was. Or a cannoli, no matter how good they were. And I heard they were very good. Damnit.

Turns out I was the first guy to make it in. The first finisher. Me.

How about that one Tex?

From: capn Subject: victoire......ribbit. It's nice about ol' Lance. It seems like every one on a bike feels a little sense of victory. I like to think he has helped change the way Americans feel about folks in funny tite-pants. It's nice to be on a bike in this day and age. I feel like finally people might not feel so inclined to throw a yoohoo bottle at me. I am glad for all my friends across the USA who might be less likely to have a yoohoo bottle chucked at them. Hello friends. It's nice to think I can share a bar with an old country bo' and talk about something besides his cheatin' wife. I like making the circles, Big Jonny likes putting his thingy in the circles.

Here's to less yoohoo bottles and a little more room when passing me in your car, thank you very much. Don't much feel like dying today, got enough of that in last week.

Thingy in the circles…

From: Drunkingham Subject: (no subject) I might as well add my two cents about the tour as long as everybody else is. I didn't want Lance to win another, but I have to admit, it probably will do amazing things for American cycling.. And perhaps Ill get 5 percent fewer people swerving at me, yelling at me, or throwing beer cans at me while I'm riding.

Find your pants yet?

And, lookout, sperm donor to pay child support. I don't know what to make of that one, as it clouds the whole "donor" issue quite a bit. This certainly wasn't an anonymous donor by any means, the two folks had a history together. I guess the bottom line for all you boys and girls out there is, be damn sure of who you're having kids with.

From: Adam Subject: on war crispinsartwell.com/labadie.htm this Crispin Sartwell guy is pretty interesting. crispinsartwell.com/slogans.htm

Yep. Check out the rest of his stuff over here.

And to think I just linked this God damn story about terror in the skies or whatever the fuck it was. Find out why it's all a bunch of horseshit over at snopes.com. I'm glad to say I figured out is was crapola all on my own without anyone writing in and calling me dumbass.

You can write in and call me dumbass tomorrow.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

a girl   I   hana   I   marketa

The Tour is in the books. Holy friggin shit, was that ever a monster performance by Armstrong. Straight up crushed them all. Fucking amazing.

This chick scares me.

My mail server is in the shitbox, my computer is a piece of shit and I'm just plain fucking tired. Good riding this weekend, but I haven't had time for a proper write up. Fuck it all. Time to throw together some kind of an update and just be done with it. I can always fall back on the email.

From: B. Subject: Santorum into that Rick Santorum bastard, eh? Go figure. I have the honor of living in that choad smoker's district... Somehow the Democrat's can't seem to have a candidate step up and call that douche on the carpet for the hate-monger that he is. But fuck the Democrats. Take power into your own hands. Santorum has had plenty of people giving him shit in Pittsburgh over the past couple of years. Proudly, I was part of the below story where a bunch of us no-goodnik's dressed up and scheduled a meeting to discuss educational funding. Or more precisely, get into his office to do some scouting of the layout of things for future actions and give him shit about the war. We also presented him with three framed awards from citizens of the community, which are available as a pdf at the below link. indypgh.org/news/2003/02/1478.php Should have firebombed the place instead.

Yep, Santorun is down with the meat popsicle.

From: Gordon Subject: Brianhead Epic 100 Hey Jonny, Congrat's to the Gnome! That course supposed will really knock your dick in the dirt. My man Tony came in second behind your little Gnomey. The gnome may be the National Endurance Champ but, Tony won the 24 hour Solo Singlespeed National Championships this year (I was his mechanic/ Pit Monger/ Manager). In fact we are going to World's in Whistler in September. Tony raced on his brand new (He just built it last week) Kelly Ro-Sham-Bo fully rigid at Brianhead! Just giving him props. I don't know if you've seen this. By the way I hate iFilm but, it's Sydney for Christ's sake; ifilm.com/qt/portal/2644422_200.mov Link to all her "flash" movies (Page 2-7) uselessjunk.org/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=4&page=2 Man, I'd like to pee in her butt.

Sydney Moon is hotter than July.

Nothing but email, this is great. What is this taking me, like twenty minutes?

From: joe g. Subject: the catholic church I'm so proud I got kicked out of catholic school... cruxnews.com/rose/rose-16july04.html

From the looks of things, it may have been the smartest move of your entire life.

From: Tony Bagadonuts Subject: Silverton Mountain Jonny, There is a new chairlift on Silverton Mountain in Silverton Colorado offering DH access to a 12,300 foot mountain. I know there are too many downhillers on the trails in your neck of the woods, so I thought you might like to help spread the word that there is a place more suited for them (& they are more welcome) not too far away. silvertonmountain.com/summers.php

Friday, July 23, 2004

alyssa lovelace   I   tera patrick   I   redhead for dave

This Tour is pretty much wrapped up for the yellow and polka dot jerseys, with the only action left to watch in the white and green jersey competitions. And, of course, the lesser podium spots are still up for grabs. As far as I'm concerned, Basso is in some serious trouble come tomorrow.

He's a fighter and I'd like to see him hold on to second, but I just don't see it happening after a 55k time trail. My money says he's going to get his doors blown off. I hope he brought his woodscrews…

I guess Lance is the Boss and all that shit, but I thought it was a little over the top to go after Simeoni they way he did. What is this, the fucking Mafia? Whatever. It's good to be the King

Read more about the history between those two here.

And, of course, some email on the subject showed up today.

From: Luke T. Subject: It's good to be fucking merciless Big Jonny, Asshat of the Southwest, Lance showed not a single iota of mercy today, reeling in the piss-ant Simeoni, putting him in his place. Of course the legions of idiots will write into velonews, DC, any other outlet who will listen, just to put down Lance for his conduct. I say FUCK THEM. Armstrong is setting the pace and ruling the peloton in the same way as Hinault and Merckx before him. This isn't a fucking love-in, or some kindergarden soccer game where nobody keeps score and you get a big group hug at half-time. It's the Tour, dammit. It means no fucking around, and when there's a score to settle, it's fucking settled. This TdF will mark a massive turning point for American cycling. People who don't follow ANY other sport, are aware of Lance and this year's Tour. Prior to this, the awareness of cycling in this country has been about as big GW Bush's intellect, that is to say, nil. Viz and to wit: msnbc.msn.com/id/5491450/ Mark my words, cycling in America will explode even more in the coming months and years. Look how big road cycling has become in the five years since Lance started winning. The sniveling fucks may whine about his ultra competitiveness, but as an astute DC commentator noted, you've got to love Lance for being who he is. He is not nice. But nice doesn't elevate you above the rest. And as for the doping allegations, it's a cheap shot till proven otherwise, and if Simeoni was on so much dope, why couldn't he win more? I think he's a fucking gold bricker, Lance was right about him trying to destroy cycling, and he's getting just what he deserves. Put that in your chain and smoke it..

You got one thing right, I am the asshat of the Southwest. You know, I don't really understand what The Boss was doing today. Well within reason I suppose, running the whole show like that. But, damn. Why not just beat the guy up and get it over with?

I've done a shit ton of web searching trying to figure it all out, the Ferrari thing. And near as I can figure, Simeoni testified back in 2002 that it was Ferrai that sold, gave, supplied him with EPO. And, that Ferrari showed him now to take it without being caught by the current UCI testing procedures.

Simeoni did not, to the best of my knowledge, give any testimony in court, or say anything in the papers about Lance using drugs. That much can be inferred, but fuck, Ferrari is going to be in court this fall I believe, for his own actions. And not Simeoni's. And then people can infer anything they want about those who choose to associate themselves with a guy like Ferrari.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but that doesn't seem to make Simeoni a dickhead.

If anyone has more information, or a good link, on the subject, by all means sent it over. I'd love to hear about it.

And, yes, Lance is one bad ass mother fucker.

And, yes, he's done more for American cycling than I could ever hope to list on this crackhead webpage of mine. It's a whole new deal in the States now that Lance has won six Tours.

Well, I may be getting a little premature on calling it six. But, barring a giant sandwich falling through the roof, he's got this one in the bag. Or, was that a Young Ones episode I'm thinking of?

One more day to the Taylor Hacienda Century Plus Pain Cave Extravaganza. You ready?

Ever get straight up fucked by spyware? I have, and I'll bet a fair number of you have as well. I've been checking out this page lately, spy vs spyware. It might help you out, so I'll link it up.

From: Joe B. Subject: Protect the back of your hand I face four opponents one at a time 20 seconds each for three minutes then I ride me 30 dollar bike home and eat sushi pussy. life is good oh yeah and 5 dollar 12 packs of busch I love america, could be the head trauma though,,,

Right on man. Good looking out.

From: Jay Subject: the hun on L'Alpe D'Huez Big Jonny, Roadie ex roommate sent an e mail to me: While watching the time trial up L'Alp D'Huez on OLN, all of a sudden from the overhead heli shot www.thehun.net came into view, painted on the road.

I guess that's better than a giant penis, fuck lance or epo lance. But only slightly better.

And the hun fucking rocks.

Friday, July 23, 2004

rebekah parmar   I   adriana   I   lesbians rule

I am still in awe from what one of my co-workers aptly described as a "stamp of authority" by US Postal this morning in the Tour. Although Armstrong winning the stage wasn't totally out of left field, his utter dominance of all his rivals is quite impressive. That, coupled with the performance of Floyd Landis, makes you wonder if these guys will continue to own the Tour in the coming years.

The phrase "head and shoulders" above the competition comes to mind when I think of the last two days in the Tour. Absolutely fucking amazing, isn't it?

Well, we won't have the Cutters to kick around anymore. I'd say they've dropped below the radar.

Can't say I mind it all that much that they're gone.

From: ark36 Subject: FauxCutters Hey Jonny It looks like the FauxCutters aren't just annoying people on this side of the pond. Here is an email sent by a journalist friend of mine who is actually part of the real Cutter's legacy. "Well I did it. I cracked on those idiots and I did it on television. I was in the start village this morning trying to interview this funky old guy with these cool old bikes. Just when I went to take his picture, here come the "NOT Cutters" with their own camera crew and one of them knocked me out of the way. I told the guy they were all posers and didn't deserve to wear Cutter T-shirts. Then I went over to talk to the old guy to see if he would pose for me for a photo without the camera crew in my face. He said sure and while I was taking the picture one of those tweakers yelled, "Hey she isn't a real photographer." That did it for me. I went over to them - and boy was I worked up. I said, "No, I am not a photographer. That is true. But I am a journalist and I write about the Tour spectators and I will never every write a story about you losers." Well that was the beginning of the end. All five or six of those guys gathered around me with their sound guy and their camera man and recorded the whole thing. While I was walking to my car later to head south, this guy came up to me and said he felt bad for me. He remembered me from the Tour in 2000 when he took our trip and was up on the Ventoux. He is now a photographer for cyclingnews.com. I guess he photographed the whole thing and will be sending me some shots tonight. I fought the forces of evil for the good name of the Cutters. but I am done for now. Later... PS - One guy - who seemed to be the nicest one there - said he lived in Flagstaff and was friends with a real Cutter and that the real cutter said it was cool that they were doing the Cutter thing...." The real Cutter was me and I of course did not say anything like that. People need to go on to the OLN website forum and let them know what they think of these FauxCutters.

Well, I guess OLN had seen which way the wind is blowing. You don't see much of the Cutter fellas anymore, do you?

And a certain somebody is going to be catching a lot of hell when he gets back to town after this is all over. You can't very well act like a jackass on national tv and not get a little shit over it, can you?

I think not.

We've just got to bust his chops. It's the only thing to do in this situation. If it were me, I'd expect the same.

What other website gives a FauxCutter a platform to defend himself?

From: Tom S. Subject: tdf and flagstaff well johnny.... the mountains are starting and so is football training camp. these euro keyboards are brutal. i figured I'd take a lot of heat for this oln stuff but hey><<< they wanted to pay for my trip to France. i think recently they started to just film us cheering and getting the crowd going instead of trying to have us do gay skits... They were really gay and NOT funny, oh well... i just hope don't get beat up by art when i get back to flagstaff, i explained it all to him one day a while back when i actually rode my bike for more than 10 min.......... i tried to explain that the only reason we started wearing cutters shirts at the tour 4 years ago (it was just 2 of us then) was to stand out from the crowd and give q shout out to the best damn movie ever Breaking Away. by no means to we ever pretend to be good cyclists (don't know if that is a! good or bad thing).but i am nuts about watching bike races and keeping track of the sport ( and not just lance and postal, etc.)... the other day this lady from Indiana laid into us and she was steaming... what am i gonna do, at least lance likes having us get the crowed fired up around the bus ...and chechu rubiera and eki go crazy over it. all the american riders seem to like having fans going nuts over them and getting loud..... all in all it is just a free way to follow the tour de france, and to do that we gotta do what oln wants, wear cutters shirts and be loud for the riders as well as the people who don't know what to make of us... where not here to cheer for the race like a bunch of Americans pretending to be euros on the side of the road.... we are here 700 level at the vet style....a few years from now Ill come back and bike tour and just enjoy the French countryside with a lady friend and relax with the people, but for now this is the gig… anyhow, I'll bring you back an Euskaltel cap and see you for kickoff__ tom p.s; i hope I'm allowed back in pay n take when i get home cuz i ain't watching cycling at grannies closet. pps if anyone wants to beat me in a bike race come out to the first flagstaff cyclocross race, trust me i suck ppps BIG UP FLAGSTAFF pppps Ulrich looks really fit and so does lance, bummer mayo lost all that time during his bad crash

We'll see you when you get back. And come football season, we'll be watching the Eagles and swilling down beer at the Garage Mahal.

News about redheads. Attn. Dave.

From: Hampton Subject: redhead from july 18th? jonny, i know that girl. she partied with us one night at our apartment, then hers. she showed us all her weird sex toys and all her business. it was great and I wondered why God didn't give me more nights like that. I can't remember why i didn't try to bang her. oh, cause my girlfriend was there. by the way, this was at Rancho Marietta apartments in Tempe like 5 or 6 years ago and she worked at some strip club on Scottsdale Road so go get 'er.

Really, that girl is in Tempe? Or was? And working in a Scottsdale club? Like maybe Babes Cabaret?

Fucking unreal.

And here I thought she was from some friggin Eastern Block country somewhere stripping for Vodka money.

Shows what I know.

What till Dave gets wind of that news. He'll be haunting the Phoenix strip joints trying to chase down that trim.

From: David Subject: New Terror in the Skies Big J- Ran across this article the other day. It's scary stuff about terrorism on airplanes but people really should know about it. It seems there are a lot of people in this world that are intent on killing lots and lots of Americans. womenswallstreet.com/WWS/article_landing.aspx?titleid=1&articleid=711

That is some scary stuff. It's a fucking nightmare. And, believe me, I have no problem with increased and more effective searches of airline passengers and their luggage. What we do in this country is a joke.. And I wouldn't mind if they got rid of carry on bags entirely.

It's a fucking mess.

While I'm on the terrorism tip, I might as well post this email as well.

From: john Subject: terrorism list hey from illadelphia, loving the site, especially the cycling coverage. although i was with tyler the whole time over ullrich and of course armstrong, who is fucking king george II's pick to win (of course!). at this point i'd love to see basso pull of something huge but he's no time trialist and let's face it, armstrong the former triathlete (which i've dabbled in, but FUCK RUNNING!) knows a little something about pain, so basso's out, and ullrich is going to have to pound around a 60 chainring to come out on top. and i do miss the full-on bianchi celeste time trial suit. but the real subject of this email is the terrorism list. being that it's under the auspices of the u.s. state department it neglected to mention in the entry on the assassination of chilean exile orlando letelier that that assassination was paid for by the u.s. government and authorized by henry kissinger. letelier had been a diplomat in the socialist salvador allende regime and was exiled when the u.s.-sponsored coup in chile on SEPTEMBER 11TH, 1973, led by general augusto pinochet overthrew his government and murdered him, along with around 3,000 other chilean leftists and many american journalists and students. the u.s./pinochet regime still considered him a threat 3 years later because if i remember correctly he was going to testify to u.s. involvement in the coup. prior to the first wtc bombing in 1991, the letelier assassination was the most recent act of terrorism by foreign nationals (the u.s. paid chilean operatives to do the deed) on u.s. soil. on september 9th, 2001, two days before the world trade center attacks, 60 minutes aired a meticulously researched piece in which henry kissinger's role in the pinochet coup as well as the letelier assassination was exposed. on september 10th, the newspapers were full of pieces which cast henry kissinger in a similarly unfavorable light. on september 11th, kissinger was on every major network in america as a 'terrorism expert' commenting on the attacks. everybody forgot in the wtc aftermath what kind of 'terrorism expert' he really is -- an expert in sponsoring it. just another minor episode in the bloody history of the united states. put this up on yr site, the people need to know...

To be honest, I just don't know enough about it to comment at this point. Sad, but at least I'm honest.

So, I dig in. This article at the nation seems to hammer the point home as well as any of them. Another standout would be the dissident voice webpage. And, also check out the transnational institute for additional information on the subject.

These are the results from my google search on Kissinger and Letelier in case you interested.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

tylyn john   I   nikki kyle   I   jenna jameson

Every time you think you're starting to get ahead of the game, life feeds you the piss pipe. One thinks of interesting things to do with no money and no foresee able recovery in the near future. I've been down so long, it looks like up to me.

And then you have Jesus. My pal. My savior. My Shepard.

My drinking buddy.

Shits and giggles keeping that bastard off the cross, kinda like everyone's old favorite, that hangman game. And, as an added bonus, a haiku generator thrown in for good measure.

Who doesn't need a little of this in their lives?

I am the robot
Rock you like a hurricane
Squirrel in pants. Help!

And, Well-Lubed with crisco.
They will celebrate my death
I feel like struttin'!

I feel so much better now.

While I'm working hard to ensure my one way ticket to hell upon death, let me just say you do not want to miss the hate mail section of Christ on the Crapper. A gem like that only comes along once every, well, couple a days here at drunkcyclist.com.

More in the assclown department over at intellectual conservative and projectusa.

Check out the shouts and murmurs over at the New Yorker online.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Laurent Brochard in all his glory. And check the 80's wrist band action. It's a good look. So in right now. A guy wrote me today, and mentioned Clinton getting a Lewinsky from Lewinsky. He said, "Surely a guy on top of the world can do better…"

I wrote him back and told him that was my biggest complaint about the Monica as well. The President of the United States of American should be pulling in World Class Trim. Not backyard boogie. Remember Gary Hart? At least he fucked up his political career for a real piece of ass.

If you're going to go down, go down in flames.

Tons of email, but I'm leaving it with this one from Big Dave of Operation Santa. I know a lot of you guys and girls who read the site have done a lot to help out with the OpSanta project over the last year, and I want to make sure you know how much I appreciate it. Thanks for helping out.

From: Big Dave Subject: Opsanta Christmas in July fund raiser Well it's that time of year. The end of the second quarter for all you stock followers, Tour de France time, and the mid-way point to Christmas for all of us here at OPSANTA. With temps over 100 degrees F for the last few weeks, we can't wait. So far, we've spent about $1000 on bicycle parts and tools. Combined with donations from individuals and the bicycle industry, we have been able to stay ahead of the days in the year for our bike numbers. We are currently at 202 bicycles and one tandem. We have 3 new summer volunteers (teenagers) who are eager to learn how to fix bikes. I even have one who fixed up an old schwinn road bike, and now I hardly see him except for riding around town. The Opsanta board of directors is very pleased, but they've been spending lots of money on other types of toys and our funds are running low. The bike shop is hanging in there, but there are some things we could really use. Remember, our focus is on kids' bikes. Most of these are Barbie and Pocahontas bikes (I have about 7 of each), but our volunteers are progressing into the geared bikes. Here's a list of the items we are always scrounging (though anything donated will eventually be used): Cheap seats (kids size- any color) Cheap chains (mostly bmx) 12" tubes 7 speed shifters (grip, rapid, or thumb) Front shifters (all styles for triple) For financial donations, send your check to Opsanta Inc., P.O. Box 16270, Ft. Bliss, TX 79916. Make sure you write on the bottom left of the check BICYCLE FUND. If you want a receipt, enclose a note requesting one. For product donations send UPS to Bldg 1123, Baldwin Rd., Ft. Bliss, TX 79916. I'm out of here for 20 days (Idaho/Aspen swing of the norbas). I've got some great volunteers handling the show. On Sept. 17, I'm officially out of the Army, and I will become a volunteer....as well as a grad student, house boy, and anything else my wife wants me to be. :) Thanks for all your help

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

kind girls   I   renata daninsky   I   erica campbell

The time is just flying by with Leadville coming up fast. It's just around the corner. The whole damn summer is blowing by me. Maybe next year I won't sign on for such a serious event for mid-August. I should be drinking beer right now and enjoying the high life. Or, a couple of cold High Lifes, if you know what I'm saying. Instead of working on a buzz, I'm working out details on putting yet another bike together. And figuring out what I want to eat for the duration of a 100 mile epic. And, it ain't fourteen cheeseburgers.

I'm beginning to think this is stupid. Sorta like an armless drunken midget.

I'm missing parties, bar-b-ques and throw downs every week. Big Pun can't even look at me anymore.

The upside is I'm suddenly rich from all the money I've saved not blowing it at the bar. Amazing how that works out.

Need some new bar lingo? Of course you do. Check the latest modern drunkard.

Anyone up for some Christian home schooling?

Have I linked this yet? Who doesn't need a shirt proudly proclaiming, "Jesus loves Dick" or "My killer robot skull fucked your honor student"? Say it in style, say it with class. Suitable for weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs all over this fine land.

So, are you shy?

From: Racin J Subject: the dizzle Yes it is with great sorrow that shaq leaves my so cal community... well shit we don't live anywhere near each other but I live in so cal and he used to.... boo hoo... shit I remember when the lakes could win... they were really only enjoyable to watch because like the dream team they had the ability to throw down at any moment and show some skills... fast forward to this years finals (thank god the lake lost) and my man rick fox and shaq want to kill some of their teammates bc instead of thinking about b-ball they are like college freshman trying to figure out how to get that girl that they fucked to not press charges or how to mend that broken knee because they are too old... or just plain not having any game and hoping the team will pull them through... everyone hoping that someone else will win for them? yea thank god shaq is gone he needs some people that will play with him so he can win... rick fox... he needs a hair cut and some game time... On to more important things. I have never seen a guy be redlined for so long and keep commin back to make contact... voekler... wow he's the wiener in yellow and you have to think virenque is worshipped by the french after tutoring guy all the way up the climb... virenque telling hamilton and voekler... come on you can make it... its just a little further.... voekler holding on to hope that todays massage will take away the torment he just put on himself... hoping his legs will move when he gets off that bike. I think I forgot how much fun it is to be a drunkass fan... I'm going down with a case pbrs to southridge if you see anyone sitting around pounding pbrs or walking around aimlessly at a venue with prbs stuffed in his pockets... feel free to bum one

This may be the end of the Lakers for a while. But, then again, if Kobe can stay out of prison, they may get their collective heads together and start playing like a team. Or, hell could freeze over.

I was talking to my Mom on the phone the other day, and even she was pulling for Voeckler. She thought he showed a lot of character and promise. And I happen to agree with her.

So, do you like black and white photos? If so, check out these offerings at the Artseal Gallery.

How would you like to get arrested covered with nacho cheese? You think they'd let you clean up before the arraignment hearing, or would they send you in front of judge like that? I can almost see it now…

"Son, you want to tell me why you're naked and covered with Nacho cheese in my courtroom?"

"Well, sir. It's like this, yesterday was my birthday. And my friends are assholes."

Monday, July 19, 2004

neriah davis   I   damn   I   redhead?

Tonight was interesting, to say the least. I was expecting a quiet night at home, alternating reading a couple of books I've been working on and napping. Sounded like a fine plan to me. Well, looks like I got the bonus plan.

I got a jingle from Nic the Dick and a girl I will refer to as "M". Now, M just had a birthday, like yesterday, and she's never been to a strip club. So, naturally Nic the Dick decides, well fuck all, she's going.

I've avoided the local topless offerings on the notion it was somehow sub-par. I had heard nothing but bad things about the place from pretty much everyone except Nic. So, when he suggested going a couple of times over the last ten months, I declined each time.

Now I know I have really been fucking up. Big time.

We had a fucking blast. The drinks, although I was keeping myself in check with only two shots all night, were of decent size and cost. The girls were great. Now, it Monday night is banging like that, just think what that says about a Friday or Saturday. Prime time.

I'll be back. Probably every Thursday for amateur night and .50 cent PBR's after I mop up this Leadville things and get back to living like a normal person.

God damn I miss smut and booze. I'm like a fish out of water with all this training crap. I dare say it might just kill me.

Tyler Hamilton = hero. And check out the tdf blog.

From: Michael C. Subject: (no subject) ah yes, it's Monday. what better way to start off the week than with a little sing along. enjoy your week! dissonant.org/~pjammer/movies/mirror.html p.s. a little long on download but worth the wait.

I'd say its worth the wait. I friggin love it. Someone sent me that link a couple of days ago, and it wouldn't work as the server was totally overloaded. Well, someone helped out with hosting and this bad boy is ready to rock and roll.

From: Mike Subject: critique "The Drug Doc" Ferrari, is in the mix on the criticism of Armstrong by Lemond (brouhaha). So, check out this comeback by Dr. Drug. He is writing a column about the Tour, and then slips in an entry Where his "essence" is to call Lemond "fat". Yep, we are witnessing a HIGH level of debate here!! cyclingnews.com/road/2004/tour04/features/diaries/ferrari

One does have to wonder what the jab about Lemond being "fat" has anything to do with the point he's making about watts vs. heart rate. What does the size of the cyclist have to do with the effectiveness of one training theory over another? It just comes off as petty, a cheap shot and nothing more.

Foggy writes in with this link from dailypeloton adding, "What's happening to our sport?"

What is this, April 1st?

I'm going with horseshit on that one.

Some emails, you just gotta post.

From: Cos Subject: Fat Jan, Sheryl & Arlen Why is Lance being crowned before the Alps? Given LA's track record its understandable but c'mon. Ullrich probably won't catch him but he did win the Tour de Suisse; what did everybody just give it to him? And if ol' John L. wouldn't tap Sheryl don't let him behind you in the shower ya know what I'm sayin? Also that douchebag Specter voted for the spunkmeister Santorum's nonsense as well; what is it with Pa. senators? How bout a shout for Joe Hoeffel(sp?) ala Stern(also 1/2 buttmuncher but at least on the anti bush wagon). I don't know what reality (70%?) that shithead Rob is living in but his boy is going down just like his lame ass daddy. Whew,I feel better. Rock out.

I don't know what is up with PA. The, what do you call 'em, Blue Laws? Those things fucking suck. No booze sales on Sunday? Are you trying to fucking kill me?

Ah, forget about it. 'Nuff said.

Go read the Mud of Dreams. It'll make you feel better.

Have you read the black table review of cheap beers? Well, you may have since I've linked it on the site before. But, since I'm thinking that was over a year ago, there is a good enough chance that you haven't seen it. It's a balance test, really. Whereas the benefit of the link reaching folks who missed it the first time I posted it outweighs the annoyance of seeing it twice.

From: Chris Subject: fatass Look, first off, I have no sympathy for any one who is obese. If you take in more calories than you use, it is turned into fat stores, plain and simple. This is how the human body works. People are fat because they are lazy, and eat shitty food. It really pisses me off when, (1) my tax dollars are being used to help lazy people continue to be lazy, (2) I see people calling obesity as disease, (3) see people using excuses for why they are fat. As people become more and more neurotic in America, I wonder what other unhealthy habit will be classified a disease. I hate people! Misanthropy rules!

Yeah buddy. One more email and I'm done for. Six long, blissful hours of sleep then get up and crawl on down to the coffee shop to watch the Tour. It's a life I guess.

From: Ian Subject: for fuck's sake… Big Jonny, I am losing my grip on reality. There is so much Lance hating on this site. Does success really breed this much jealousy? It fucking pathetic. Let's review the facts. 1. Lance is a prick. The Lance Chronicles have tried to do everything possible to make Lance seem like a cool laid back guy, but the truth seeps through. He's an A+ ultra competitive fuck. However, besides Big Mig, which one of these guys is not? Do you think Hinault was a fucking joy to ride with in his hey day? Ask Lemond about that. Do you think Merckx, Coppi, or Bartoli were laid back go with the flow types? 2. Ullrich is cool. He drinks, he eats, he fucks women who are not Sheryl Crow. Very good if he were a single speeder. Hell, if he weren't too lazy to learn English, I'd probably want to hang out with him. (notice, I'm not learning German.) However, his job is to win the Tour. Period. The only time he won, nobody was expecting it. Last year no one expected much and he almost pulled the upset. My point? It's not the food, the drink, or the ladies, its the pressure. The guy is fucking cup cake. When the pressure is on, he folds. Maybe if he were an ultra competitive fuck like Lance, he would be drinking wine out of any one of his 8 Tour Trophies, wearing any of his 98 yellow jerseys. 3. Stop building up Americans. Tyler is cool. I love the guy. He is what we all wish Lance was, modest, laid back, etc., I don't know enough about Levi, Julich, or any of the others, to comment on personality. However, when compared to you or I they are bad ass cyclists. When compared to Lance, they suck. I would love it if an American would win the tour for the next 60 years. Hell, the French would probably outlaw cycling if we get over 15, just for spite. But let's not fucking pretend we have 8 or 9 guys with the ball(s) that Lance has, we don't. No one does. 4. DEFINITELY stop building up the Spanish. What does it mean to be a 'pure climber?' My assumption is, it means one can climb hills very well. At least better than most other riders. However, in this tour, it is apparently code for losing 20+ minutes on each climb, and still sucking at sprints and time trials. Every fucking year I have to endure pre-race diatribes about how Lance and Jan need to watch out for the 'pure' Spanish climbers in the mountains. Where is Aitor, IGD, YoSheba, and Botero. (he is not from Spain, but he is Latin... right?) Success in one's home tour does not equate to victory in THE tour. So my point... I don't have one, fuck it. I will sum up... Lance is an asshole, but he's the best climber in the world, he's a top 3 time trialist in the world, and he's going to win the fucking thing again. Stop hating him because he's the best, stop wishing he were a nice guy, because if he were, he'd suck too. Accept that Jan is cool, and will never win again. Understand that Spanish climbers suck in France, and stop giving Americans their own teams, because they are not Lance. Oh, hey Jonny, I forgot to mention, I like beer, whores and single speeds... ps. Simoni is right, Italy's tour is better, prettier, and more fun to watch... and as an added bonus, it's Italian, not French.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

lesbians rule   I   blonde   I   redhead for dave

I ride through a couple of Flagstaff's less than prosperous neighborhoods every day on the way to and from work. Not all that scary, but things do get interesting. The other week as I was rounding a corner I saw a .22 cartridge in the street. I stopped, picked it up, and threw it in the bushes.

After the monsoon rains started, the waters washed all kinds up rocks and broken glass out on to the street. And, at just about the same place I found the bullet, I saw a hypodermic needle.

That I left alone.

Then, on last Friday, as I walked across the train tracks like I do every day, I found a black wooden cane with a cheesy brass cobra head for a handle. And when you pull the snake head, you reveal a blade. I picked it up and took it to work with me.

Now I've got an 18 inch letter opener. And, I've been promoted to head up the complaint department.

And how fucked is this? A list of the significant terrorist incidents from 1961 to 2003. In chronological order, of course.

Shit like that will just bum out your day.

I should have maybe mentioned it earlier, but here was a police shooting here in Flagstaff the other day. I drove right by it while I was out running a few errands. Not the shooting, just the aftermath. I suppose you could call it the investigation.

A fucked up car, tons of cameras and little yellow card things to mark where all the shell casings were laying. And there was a lot of them.

From: Robert T. Subject: fat people nytimes.com/2004/07/16/politics/16obesity.html? ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. Some predetermined amount of my paycheck goes to medicare every week, and I will probably never use the service (though it's nice to know it exists on some level). It just pisses me off to this that some lazy, fat asshole - who's weight problem was probably 99% preventable - will be blowing my money on stomach stapling so he can continue to eat McDonalds for lunch every day. Here's my prescribed treatment free of charge, stop dragging your lazy ass via car thru the drive-thru for breakfast on the way to work and ride a bike there instead.

As much as I feel empathy for people who can't control their weight, and agree that treating the source of the problems of hypertension, stroke and congestive heart failure, I'm going to have to go with Robert on this one.

Controlling how much food you put in your mouth is not a disease. It is a lack of self control.

Case in point: Snake. That fucker eats like a God damn bird. You think it's easy for him? Hell no.

I say we empower the fatties. Yo, tubbo, take charge of your fat self. You hear what I'm saying? The fork, the fridge, your mouth. Why bring anything else into it?

I am so going to hell.

Ever wonder which are the worst beers in the world. Please notice PBR did not make the list. Thank you.

And, speaking of Tubs of Fun…

From: John L. Subject: Lighten up on "der Strudelmeister" "Fat boy Ullrich?" I agree that it's unfortunate that the guy apparently never met a donut he didn't like, but you've gotta admit he's set the bar pretty high for guys that like to ride their bikes, drink too much, and eat crappy food. The fact that he's never dipped his dog in Sheryl Crow has be worth something too......

Hey, don't get me wrong, I love the guy. He was my pick for the win this year, and I put my money where my mouth is. Looks like I can kiss that cash goodbye…

I've been a fan of Ullrich for years, ever since he got second to Riis back in 1996. His eating habits, penchant for drugs and booze, and running his floozy filled Mercedes into shit while bombed out of his mind in broad daylight is only serving to deepen my appreciation and respect for the man.

In short, he's a fucking hero.

And I am absolutely serious.

From: theros Subject: Ullrich suffering Yes Lance has padded the gap with Jan, but I think most are underestimating him.......the guy just keeps clicking them over....plus there are plenty of big mountains to go. But he could make it easier on himself. He should just ride a stripped down track bike up the mountains though, because I truly don't think he knows how to change the gears on a bike....at least take those useless sprockets and derailleurs off of the bikes. ....the weight reduction might just make the difference right there for him....More pain is coming, the tour is far from over.

Yep. Pain train is coming. I'd say it'll be here about Tuesday. Wouldn't you agree?

And, both time trails are going to totally flip the script. Big time gaps. Like my man Jar Jar Binks would say, "Lotsa people gonna die?"

How 'bout some news from across the pond from Damnit Janet? Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

From: Janet K. Subject: Stories from France and Stage 12 I could stay here forever..... The Story of Reine - After dinner last night; Derek and Jim asked our waiter for recommendations for a good tittie bar. The waiter had conference with his co-worker and informed us that there was no such thing in Toullouse, but that he could tell us of a Swingers club or a cool Night Club. We chose the NiteClub. He called up the club owner to tell the owner that we'd be coming and gave us directions and a note written in French to the owner. Just Derek, Jim and I were up for the adventure, it was already close to midnight. It took us 1.5 hours to find the place which was located down an alley way, or a small French street that looked like an alley way. We found parking in a parking garage not really the right size for our huge van, we barely fit. At the nightclub we rang the doorbell to be let in. Once inside we saw that a doorman sat in front of a monitor to see who was at the door. Three Euros each to get in. Fifteen Euros for 3 Heinekens. The bar consisted of a spiral staircase that led to dark corners with couches, a small bar and tiny dance floor. French and American rap/dance music and all well groomed attractive men. Derek found the owner, Reine, and Jim practiced doing the French double kiss handshake thingy. Panic set in when I left the boys standing alone together to find a couch. As I walk away I hear "hey where are you going". Very quickly Derek had his arm around my shoulder and was on the couch with me. The beer went down quick, though Jim may have lingered a bit, and we left. As we walked back down the alley the boys discuss how the only woman in the bar was the owner, Reine, who was a hot looking tall black woman with long blond hair. Then it occurred to us that the owner mentioned to us that "Reine" means queen in French. Here's our story of Le Mongie- We all loaded up backpacks and hit the road to climb Col du Tourmalet before 8am. The 15k climb was heinous for me. Over the last week we had already ridden Alpe d'Huez, Luz Ardiden and Mt Ventoux and I was cooked. Anyway at the top we all waited for each other and had cocoa or Coffee/croissant. The DC jersey was recognized by a crew from Crusty Butte. Flying down the Tourm., Jim made a U to check out the goat that nearly took him out and I ended up pile-driving into Jim. Stupid americano's! Jim got to ride slower with a bent rim. No more riding fast; the crowds were thick with Basques and goats. We met up with Kimmie's friend Ken from Trek Tours and also found Bob Roll. He signed the DC jersey and said that he wanted one. I'll email the pic when I get back. We also found Phil L. He called Derek 'Johnny Cash'. It was quite an ordeal to make our way through the barricades down the course. We found a parking spot near some trees, just before the last tunnel. Trees made for a public restroom. It was hot, we opened our wine and slathered on sunscreen. I got my pic taken holding the Basque flag with a bevy of Basques; Good times. Suddenly there was thunder and the skies opened up on us. Everyone headed for the trees to huddle for an hour or so. It was damn cold. My espaniol knows how to ask for refreshment so soon I was partaking in a mix of red wine and coke. The sun came out and the caravan came through. My only freebie was a bag of coffee. cool. We hung with some Texans for awhile. We saw Basso looking strong and pain on Lance's face as they come hammering by. Kay wore a wedding dress and proposed to George. He and Landis looked back to see where the proposal came from. Afterwards, Kay gave her dress to a petit Basque who was a bit snockered and with the help of his friends put the dress on and wore it all the way home (I'm guessing). The crowds were heinous getting back up to Le Mongie. Had another chat with Bob Roll and then stopped at a cafe for a beer before our ride back up the Tourm (4k) and ran into Perry Farrell, Odessa Liepheimer and Sheryl Crow at the table next to us. Guess Sheryl rode Alpe d'Huez in 1 hour 30 min. Off to London tomorrow.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

petra   I   zdenka   I   ray-ray's workshop?

Another colossal Tour stage. Armstrong riding scary strong. Ullrich swinging around the mountain looking for the donut cart. Hamilton climbing off. Mayo almost climbing off. God damn, can that Voeckler kid suffer or what? He's my hero of the race so far, hands down. They say he has "du temperment"

And, I've got to say, Ullrich can also suffer. Anyone else think Ullrich's gonna big diesel his way through that 55k time trail and straight up blow the doors off? He ain't climbing with the leaders, but I'll bet he'll be tappin out one hell of a rhythm, and turning a huge gear in that TT. I don't think he'll win the GC, but I think he'll climb a few spots.

Don't miss O'Grady's foaming rant.

One mans opinion on Ken Lay.

From: A Subject: grr cnn.com/2004/07/12/news/newsmakers/ken_lay/ what, because he's so rich and powerful he gets to defend himself on national television? anyone else in this country won't see prime time. Martha Stewart gets Larry King. What dope seller gets Diane Sawyer? What car jacker gets Wolf Blitzer? Ken Lay shouldn't get the back of the roll of toilet paper I wipe my ass with. White collar criminals should get ass fucked like the rest of the criminals in this nation. So white, so clean cut, so pretty, so fucking what. I'm glad I don't have cable. Wake up and smell your ass being fucked America.

If you thought that was bad, wait till you get a load of this.

From: jt Subject: You know the Atkins diet has gone too far when... ...they're actually telling you to freebase your booze. awolmachine.com For the love of god people, why don't we just legalize crystal meth as a low-carb coffee substitute?

That's just wrong. It's un-American for Christ's sake.

What will those bastards think up next?

Feel like getting pissed? Check out the Right Brothers. Couple of dumbass redneck crackers singin' and pickin' some of the most twisted, fucked up bullshit I've ever heard in my entire life.

I'm only going to type the lyrics from one song because listening to this crap is driving me crazy.

"Tell me why do we allow the illegals?
After all, they're illegal.
So, why do we allow the illegals,
To keep comin in."

Jesus Christ. What a bunch of bullshit.

Remember the same-sex marriage Amendment that 48 of our very confused, and very anti-gay members of the Senate voted for last Wednesday? Well, here are the one who supported it.

I mean, what the fuck were these guys thinking?

From: Erik A. Subject: "I can't wait to find a list of all 48 douchebags who supported this travesty." guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,1280,-4310822,00.html Democrats Yes Byrd, W.Va.; Miller, Ga.; Nelson, Neb. Republicans Yes Alexander, Tenn.; Allard, Colo.; Allen, Va.; Bennett, Utah; Bond, Mo.; Brownback, Kan.; Bunning, Ky.; Burns, Mont.; Chambliss, Ga.; Cochran, Miss.; Coleman, Minn.; Cornyn, Texas; Craig, Idaho; Crapo, Idaho; DeWine, Ohio; Dole, N.C.; Domenici, N.M.; Ensign, Nev.; Enzi, Wyo.; Fitzgerald, Ill.; Frist, Tenn.; Graham, S.C.; Grassley, Iowa; Gregg, N.H.; Hagel, Neb.; Hatch, Utah; Hutchison, Texas; Inhofe, Okla.; Kyl, Ariz.; Lott, Miss.; Lugar, Ind.; McConnell, Ky.; Murkowski, Alaska; Nickles, Okla.; Roberts, Kan.; Santorum, Pa.; Sessions, Ala.; Shelby, Ala.; Smith, Ore.; Specter, Pa.; Stevens, Alaska; Talent, Mo.; Thomas, Wyo.; Voinovich, Ohio; Warner, Va.

Ah, my good friend Mr. Santorum. We meet again.

From: Steve S. Subject: Santorum Last year, sex columnist extraordinar, dan savage urged his readers to come up with a word for "the foamy mixture of lube, semen, and poo that frequently is the result of anal sex", and the good followers of his article agreed unanimously that that word should be 'santorum'. I urge the followers of Drunkcyclist to use this term with reckless abandon.

Well, how about that? People all over the country already hate the guy. Why am I always late for everything?

Check out the spreading the santorum webpage. It kicks ass. Don't miss the rotten.com explanation either.

And, you really don't want to miss the google search results.

I'll bet that really pisses him off.

Fucking Santorum. What an assclown.

From: Chris H. Subject: yo Hey big jonny, You quoted a bunch of shit from prominent men recently, and I wanted to send you one that shakes the foundations a little further, this quote speaks volumes to me… "nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle." Thomas Jefferson to John Norvell, June 11, 1807

1807, eh? Shit. Sounds like it could apply to last week.

From: PC Greg Subject: funny fucker Big Jonny, You are one funny fucker and I would adopt you if you didn't already have a family! Damn straight...you help me forget about my job. DC is the first thing I do in the morning at my desk...of course..while I eat my Bacon, Egg and Cheese straight off the truck. Even when I am at work I forget about work... The only thing that I couldn't get off my mind this morning is my wife yelling at me for shaking my prick all over my bathroom this morning. Tell me this....how do you explain a fly landing on the tip of your prick while your taking a wiz......then as you shake...you piss on the floor as your wife walks in the bathroom. The fly is gone (surprise) and I can't even begin to tell her what just happened. WTF.... Thanks for all the great laughs....keep it coming.

Right on man, I'll do my best.

What else have I got to look forward to anyway? Riding till I crack and sleeping? Ah, my life sucks ass.

If you were Saddam Hussein wouldn't you have at least called Johnnie Cochran?

From the "oh fuck" chronicles.

From: Jason O. Subject: Doping Dude, Check out this link from Scientific American.com. EPO and HGH will soon be a thing of the past, this has too much potential to not find its way into sports.

You are probably right about that one. It's a long article, and pretty damn scary as well. I suppose we'll be seeing that type of stuff in sport soon enough.

And Lord Tebbit is out of his god damned mind.

Friday, July 16, 2004

masha   I   tons of b/w pics   I   spring break collection

Stages like today are what make the Tour great. The only two things that happened today that did not surprise me were Armstrong throwing down the wood and Moreau losing two minutes. Everything else, Basso winning, fat boy Ullrich suffering, Hamilton imploding, Heras disappearing off the radar, and Voeckler keeping the yellow jersey, was a complete and utter surprise.

Well, Voeckler did have nine minutes this morning. I guess I really wasn't that surprised that he was able to keep five of them.

From cyclingnews, "After his teammate Andreas Klöden finished third only 20 seconds behind Armstrong, Ullrich said that there may be a role reversal. "We'll see how he goes in the next few days. If it's not going well, I will ride for the best riders in the team. I've always said that."

How 'bout these guys flippin' Lance the bird? And, is this the gnome?

Gotta love this: Should Kerry and Ullrich pack their bags and head for home?

One thing I haven't talked about this week at all, and I really should have, is Shaq leaving LA for Miami. I, for one, couldn't be happier. Being no fan of the Lakers myself, watching the Lakers franchise fall apart brings tears of joy to my eyes.

I guess Kobe is staying on for another seven years. But, for me, it was always about Shaq more than Kobe. And Fox. Love that guy.

Now the Shaq will be squaring up in East against the Sixers, and I hope to see some ass kicking next season. Of course, being a Philly sports fan, what I'll probably get is the Heat beating the Sixers like a red headed step child all year, but a man can dream right?

How 'bout a guy making graffiti by cleaning the walls he's writing on?

My email is apparently shot to shit today. Great news, eh? Hopefully I'll be able to sort out this mess come tomorrow. I hope.

Oh well, once less thing to waste my time on. Things like swingers. Where some are hot, most are not, dudes with Viking hats and it all just scares the fuck outta me

July 15, 2004

roxanne galla   I   krystal steal   I   jasmin st. clair

The results are up for the Brian Head Epic 100. Looks like Gnome was 11th overall and 6th in his age group for shifter bikes. And we beat the second place guy by twenty minutes.

Good looking out Gnomie. We at drunkcyclist.com are proud to have you ride for us. And by "we" I mean me. I'll bet Kona is pretty stoked you took the Championship on a Unit.

Word up.

From: John C. Subject: Helmets I read your link about helmets and had to put my two cents in...this guy(or gal?) claims that cyclist hit their heads more often if they wear a helmet(yeah, that doesn't sound at all stupid), and claims more or less that the claims of being saved by a helmet are bogus, so i wanted to weigh in with my thoughts and experiences... i have been hit by cars twice. well three times actually but once was crossing the street when i was a youngin so i will leave that one out.... the first time a big as ford truck was beside me and didn't see me, he started to turn right into a parking area and pegged my bike, i was thrown head first into a parked car, i was pretty much fine, blacked out some cuts, but i split my helmet in half. I am no physicist, but if that force could split my helmet in half, i would think that it could have made my head look pretty too. the second time i got hit i actually wrote to you once before about, i got hit head on by some fucking jackass who thought he owned the road nailed me head on i sailed into his car at 50-60 mph. that one left me not feeling so good, but the doctors who treated me told me that my helmet had indeed saved my life. granted i am no expert, but i find it pretty fucking difficult to believe that these devices are useless. maybe i willed myself to hit head first like he claims, i don't know, i can't remember either accident, just waking up...but i don't understand why some fucking pissant wants to make a web page dedicated to whining about people who don't want to protect their fucking brain?! it's like an abortion, if you don't fucking want one, don't fucking get one, but don't fucking tell me what to do. one more thought...his stupid fucking chart, people in the us wear more helmets than the netherlands and have more deaths? WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK!!! am i really supposed to believe that riding in the fucking netherlands is like riding here? i have seen the fucking suv's bearing down on people here, and i don't believe that the netherlands are quite so treacherous...and i really don't fucking believe that these people are dying because they wore a fucking helmet. cars are everywhere here and they don't give a shit about cyclists. i don't wear my helmet because i don't trust myself, i wear it because i have seen what drivers will do to my fucking head. fuck that stupid web-site, fuck his bullshit claims, and fuck him for trying to convince other cyclists to take the same stupid risks he does...maybe if that dipshit had taken a few less blows to his head he would see why his arguments make no god-damn sense at all. it weighs almost nothing, and feels fine, and it isn't that hot, if it might help, why the hell wouldn't you?! that said, i think i'll put mine on and go ride my fuckin bike. i'm out

You know, I've got to go with helmets are a good idea. I've been tagged by a couple of cars, and I'm still here. So I'm either really lucky, owe a lot to wearing a helmet, or a little of both.

One for the big man in my life, Big Pun.

From: Heff Subject: Big Pun and 'Blue' "I hope I never, ever, have to face a south Londoner in a drinking contest; ever...ever; especially on my home court. I am ashamed." A south londoner? Christ, you guys must be outta shape on the drinking score. you got any scottish over there? any derbyshire lads? or yorkshires. Londoners can't drink. The UK is the opposite of the states: In the states, hard drinkers are isolated to cities above (below?) the mason dixon line, right? Down south, they drink. In the UK, its the other way around. This guy blue? He's almost certainly a pussy. Tell Him I said so. and call pun out for me, will you? If I got out-drank by a bloody southerner I'd never be able to show my face back home. For shame. Your Death-defyin buddy, Heff.

I can't wait to tell Pun that one. Oh hell, I'll just post it on the site. That'll stick it to him good and proper. And, to think, Big Pun is a fucking talent behind the bottle. A legend in out time.

The guy can out drink me with his liver tied behind his back.

And now that big bastard is going to come and find me. He knows where I live. Fuck.

I'll be sitting in here with the blinds drawn and the lights out. Come to think of it, nothing usual about that really.

So, now the communists support Kerry? Will wonders ever cease?

This next one just fucking kills me.

From: Tall Paul Subject: Words that are remembered "I have always strenuously supported the right of every man to his own opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies another this right makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself the right of changing it." -- Thomas Paine, 1783 "Free speech exercised both individually and through a free press, is a necessity in any country where people are themselves free." -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1918 "The truth is found when men are free to pursue it." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1936 "If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." -- George Orwell, 1945 "Any time we deny any citizen the full exercise of his constitutional rights, we are weakening our own claim to them." -- Dwight David Eisenhower, 1963 "What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant." -- Robert F. Kennedy, 1964 "Go fuck yourself." -- Dick Cheney, 2004

It doesn't get much better than that.

From: Cosmo br>Subject: jiveturky The single greatest event of my life. Please tell me this is bs. Too fucking much! The leader of the most powerful nation on earth, the man we as a country depend on to command respect as a leader in international affairs reacts to a banner like a putz on the expressway? Its more depressing than funny; god help us. Please followup on this story. I know le Tour is ready to blow up but these guys story is a perfect example of dubya's true self; just like the cheaney thing. Its a slap to all us free speaking non sheep dc types. Also had to remark on Tyler's pet dog comments. Such a human reaction is uncommon in athletes talking to the press; I love the guy! Doubt Lance would reveal so much during the race. And all hail Floyd, the fastest fucking mennonite in the peleton. PS saw another Kerry-riding photo; why can't I get behind him? Ralph rules. Over and out. livejournal.com/users/jiveturky/185733.html

Now I've gone and posted that link two days in a row. I just get tired of it. Maybe I never will.

Is Bush gay or what? I mean, really. Inquiring minds want to know.

And, yes, I'm joking for fucks sake.

Sorta like last week when I posted some link straight outta the tin foil hat crowd. It was called neurocops to patrol brain. Anyway, I get this crazy email from the same tin foil hat folks....

From: Rob. Subject: There's a sucker born every minute - PT Barnum...yeah, he was referring to you dumb-ass liberals Big Jon & loyal Lib, Drunk cyclist readers - see if you have the wherewithal for this: I'm absolutely amazed that you left-hugging, "I-don't-have-enuff-sedatives-to-escape-reality" degenerates actually keep believing this shit. Wake the fuck up!!! And most of all, how can you "head-up-your-ass, I'll believe anything from anyone but W." people keep thinking that W. is behind & responsible for everything "big gov'ment"? Stop and reevaluate what you numb-skulls are falling for!!! (Hint: read below) WHATEVER!!!!! Adam S., you're a fucking moron that deserves to be in Abu Graib prison. I understand you boys like to be on the receiving end any ways. Bottoms up! Speaking of which, any of you "shit-for-brains" ever been in an NYC jail in the eighties? How about the jails in Mexico over spring break? No??? Then shut the fuck up about what some Nat'l Guard week-end warriors did to captured terrorists & Saddam sympathizers. I hope they do it again!!! Fucking hazing was all they're guilty of! Go Frat boys, go frat boys!!!! You numb-nutted idiots will believe anything that comes from liberal_news.org, won't you. (In gross drag-queen voice - sounds kinda like Susan Esteridge) "George Soros - eww, he has our best interests in mind. He is soooo reliable. I mean, although he's a foreigner, he's going to buy us our next election because he's richer than Bush" Yeah, you "let's only be fair to the little guy" libs would allow that to happen & never see anything wrong with it. Hmmm, reminds me of a Ken Lay or a Bernie "numb-nuts from WorldCom" type of tactic. (Yes In know, you're already pointing your little greasy fingers at me saying that the Repubs bought the Supreme Court in 2000 - again I digress.WHATEVER) Hmm, speaking of which.. Teresa's Ties John Kerry has accused the Bush administration of dragging its feet in the investigation of former Enron Chairman Ken Lay, suggesting that Lay's ties as a friend and contributor to President Bush were to blame. But Lay attended a reception at the Georgetown town house shared by Kerry and his wife Teresa - ten months after the Enron scandal became public. Kerry was out of town at the time. What's more, Lay continued to serve with Teresa Heinz-Kerry on a charity board even after he was implicated in the alleged fraud. The Boston Herald reports that the Kerry's owned more than $250,000 in Enron stock before the company's collapse. Provocative, isn't it? Well, since this didn't come from CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, NBC or Moveupyourownass.org, it must be full of lies & vile, mean-spirited hateness, right? Eat me if you believe that! Your candidate, your last president and all of the Looney motherfuckers out there pumping you tools up with garbage poised as "news", are just as, if not more (I believe so - my civil right to speak my own opinion still, until you fucks have your way, that is) more corrupt than anything I have seen since Nixon & LBJ. Hmmm, a repub & a demo, one begat the other & they both were dirtier than a Bronx whore. Imagine that could happen here in America. What am I saying; you buffoons still believe that Gore won the election & that high taxes are the key to paradise. I got a radical one for you: go blow yourselves up (yes, with explosives) in front of some event you are against (a hint here: some conservative movement) & I'll make sure you get blessed with rivers of honey & wine & that there will be 75 virgins waiting for you. That's where you all will find your paradise. And I'll feel the same way too. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! As will about 70% of most Americans. I dare you chicken-shits!!!! Smoke some of your good shit first though; it will deaden the pain of your ass & head coming apart!! As our constitution grants us all: Freedom of Choice. and that includes where you can live. Don't like the America of today? Well then get off of your lazy, "give me my free shit" asses and move somewhere else. Fresh out of cool liberal locals? Allow me to help: France, Germany, Spain, Philippines, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq (but not for much longer - Bush-tainted, ya know), Syria, Somalia, Bosnia (well, the majority population still believes in killing all the Muslims - what happened to their freedom of choice??? I mean you all condone the choice to kill our innocent, unborn American babies, right?) and maybe a few other lame-ass countries I'm too tired to mention but you get the picture. Freedom to move your ass right on out of this place. I like that choice - think I'll start moveyourasson.org. Bye!!!! Thanks! Bush-Cheney 2004 P.S. What will you all do when they win again??????? Please tell me you'll move to France because Canada is still within bitch-slapping distance where I & my mean-spirited, right-leaning friends will come find you. What will these non-researching, political drag-queens in the "make-believe media" come up with next?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I know! That Kerry & Edwards are bi-leaning metros that will be "outed" by a dumped, jaded former bitch McCain. I bet they'll even put a video out on the web.. Well I might be too late for that one, huh? noedesign.com/dev/KerryEdwards/index.html There you have it. now run with it & make it real. You'll believe anything else. Oh, by the way, beware the Martians are coming!!!

Let me clear something up for you, pal, half the links I post on this site are just to get a few laughs out of people. I'm just here to help you forget about your stupid job, stupid car payment, stupid mortgage, and stupid school loans for a few minutes. The other half of the links are split between porn, cycling and political bullshit. If you didn't find the link as funny as I did, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

It's not my fault if you don't have much of a sense of humor. Well, if that email you just wrote me is any indication, you're probably making a fine living as a stand up comedian. Hey, in a couple of months, you'll probably have Larry the Cable Guy warming up the crowd for ya in shit hole clubs all across the mid-west.

And no offense meant to the shitty bars in the mid-west. You know I have always loved you and always will.

I'm not leaving the country 'cept to visit. Regardless of who wins the Presidential election, I'll be right here in Arizona sucking dick for beer money. Just like I've been doing for years.

I don't even know why I bothered to post that. I mean, what the fuck am I going to do? Change the guys mind?

Somehow I doubt it.

Ah, Bush just sucks.

"Loyalty to the country always; loyalty to the government when it deserves it." - Mark Twain

So, what's up with Lemond and Armstrong? I guess it's still a little on the icy side between them. Read the latest in velonews today.

Can you read French? If so click here. If not, go here and scroll down for the shitty translation.

While I'm at it, here are some of the Emma O'Reilly talking points.

Here is what Jeff Cross has to say about Lemond. I can feel it. I've had a signed poster of Lemond on my wall for years. The guy is a hero.

And some stuff about the sprinter Tim Montgomery, Balcony (like baloney, or bologna) and drugs. If you're into that sort of thing.

Can you believe this Lovelace guy might be a cop again? The guy is a loose cannon and is not the type of man who should be wearing a badge. I have a lot of respect for the police. Sounds funny, I know. We need to have someone watching over us. And this ass-clown ain't it.

Jesus Christ, he belongs in jail for shooting Dawn Rae Nelson.

And, homeboy was acquitted even though five witnesses said he was running along side the car and shot the woman in the back. Why? Because the bar is set higher to convict a police officer.

The whole things stinks. The only Lovelace I want to see more of is this girl alyssa. The Police Department down there in Chandler should be encouraging that guy to spread his wings. You know what I'm saying? Kinda like, don't go away mad, just go away.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

adele stephens   I   friggin huge boobs   I   redhead for dave

This morning Tour stage was not as explosive as I had originally thought it would be. Except, of course, for the long solo effort by my man Virenque. Good looking out on Bastille Day, Richard. Can you say Polka Dot Jersey for the seventh time?

Check out Jalabert's take in the climbers in this years Tour. He was always game for a Bastille Day break-away, wasn't he?

I guess I have to wait until Friday to see Voeckler get tested. I hear he got a little gapped today, but he still finished in the group. Maybe we'll see Sylvain Chavanel do something special. At 12:48 down, he is poised for a long break.

Do the right thing and buy something for the League of American Bicyclists. The auction is live.

In case you want to read the Ten Reasons to Fire George W. Bush, and nine reasons why Kerry won't be much better as much as I did.

The same sex marriage amendment tanked in the Senate today after Republicans could only muster 48 out of the necessary 60 votes to "move the amendment to the floor."

Well, thank fucking God for that. I'm glad it died, and I hope the fucking thing stays dead.

"Bush, who defeated McCain for the Republican presidential nomination in 2000, has championed the amendment, saying it is necessary to defend the institution of marriage from "activist judges."

Uh huh. You want to see an "activist judge"? This is an activist judge.

These people are a god damn nightmare come to life. I can't wait to find a list of all 48 douchebags who supported this travesty.

Like Senator Rick Santorum, a Republican from my home state of Pennsylvania who said, "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" (Update: the cbs site I linked no longer has the Rick Santorum quote. But the NY Daily News does.)

You have got to be fucking joking.

Monsoon season explained.

Part two of the White Trash party. That was a good one and it'll be hard to top for next year.

We might have to roll the trailer over and start a fire.

And, how'd ya like to get flipped off by George Bush? Might just be the coolest thing that's happened to you in you entire life, eh?

I'd write more, but I'm in the shit box about now so fuck it. Good night.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

heather   I   kyla   I   susana

Tomorrow's stage is going to be a doozey. I can't wait for the whole script to get flipped. Although, they say young Thomas Voeckler can climb.

I guess we'll see about that tomorrow, won't we?

How 'bout I start this shit off with the Gnomes race report from Brian Head?

From: Gnome Subject: give Brian head So it went like this- Nicole(unsure of spelling) and I rolled on up to give Brianhead on Thursday and man, lemme tell you that of the one thing those crazy Mormons got going it's got to be the place the claimed as theirs. Utah, in a word, very cool(sorry that's two) I'd never been to that part before so it was refreshing unlike the shit hole of Salt lake. As for the peeps there? Well, aside from those perfect little hot daughters they make, they all got some kinda funk about them. We ate Mexican food in Kanab, and I was never so scared to eat Mexican food in Mexico as I was there in Utah. Go figure? Any how, the race- We rolled out of bed at 6:15 after some great hump action the night before and rode to the start at 7am about a mile downhill from us. Cold. Very cold. The start, at least the first 100 meters was nonchalant but then you wouldn't believe it... A huck-idiot (who did the whole hundy) full of self complete with those gay-ass shimano clip-in sandals hits a rock the size of a baseball while adjusting his rebound or something and no shit, that dude takes a swerving bee-line straight at the gnome. I thought I could cope but the next thing I know I'm on the deck saying "WTF douchebag?". He says "duuuuude.... So Sorry uh huh." I thought how fucking appropriate that a guy with all this travel(talent replacement) wipes out on a fucking pebble. Incredible. And so, that's how my day started. Not one minute into my first hundy and all I want to do is throttle some big idiot. Nicole, who saw it all wanted to punch the shit outta him to proclaiming "Dude! You hit the fucking GNOME man!" Onward- I recovered and rode up to the front group by the base of the climb. Up the first few miles it slowly whittled down to 5 and then 3 and then the gaps between us developed. I think I hung onto the top three for the first thirty miles but then slowly faded out of the top 5 by the half way mark. I couldn't hang to well on the flats for the most part. I really felt like I was in the same gear all day... Weird huh? Yea, so I pedaled a lot. It was one of those "pedally courses" for sure. Occasionally I'd get onto the wheel of a geared bike and was able to do the 'spin-coast-spin' routine and hang on them while they ran 44/13 down the flat sections. I ran out of water between aid station 2 and 3 which was at 58 miles and was very paranoid of cramping but came out lucky on that. The Virgin River Rim trail was probably the highlight. The views were amazing. At times the course ran right up to the edge of this redrock canyon that was thousands of feet deep. At times I could see Zion about 80 miles away. Pretty intense. A guy that I was consistently passing on the climb then being passed by him on the flatter parts asked me how I figured out my gearing for the race. I told him that I guessed. The whole course was rough as hell. As Grandpa Neat said "it's bumpy". Yea, that turned out to be an understatement. I started falling apart at 70 miles or so. The last 30 were mostly a climb finishing at Brianhead summit of 11,300 feet or so. A very tuff climb. I had to walk a few places at that point and really began to wonder of I was going to make it or not. The summit was incredible and then the final downhill was painful bliss. I must have looked like a rag-doll as I flailed down that thing. A cool detail to the race was that at the finish, I was hanging with the regular hoodlums (DJ, Stewy...)and a couple of fella's that I just then met that were from Riverside, CA.- My home town. They graduated from the same high school I would have had I not dropped out and, they were the same year as me. No shit. I checked out my old year book from my freshmen year and sure as shit, they were in there. I vaguely remember John, but not Steve. However, 13ish years later, we all have found a certain amount of worth in the love of dirt bicycles. Very cool. Very cool indeed. They were touting the Vision Quest so maybe next spring we'll have to hit that one eh? So there ya have it. I'm a national champeen of the bastard class that is Single speeds. Go figure. Details- There was about 11,000 feet of climbing in the race. I rode a 36/18 gear combo. I don't think any part of the race went below 8000 asl, maybe 9. Nicole finished 3rd in the geared-girls class. Charlie Gibson won the geared-boy class. He finished in 7:10 or so. I finished in 8:08. Nicole finished in 9:10 or so. Dejay Birch hit 4th in the SS class. I think 2nd place was 20 minutes off my lead. The course is great and hard and I suggest it to all Good times, Gnome Ps- People were still finishing 13hours after the start when the day was heading toward night. Sad Cow did this race last year. His time was 13:03. Damn.

Let's just call it thinking outside the coffin.

A bit old perhaps, but still and interesting look at the Tim Russert interview of Colin Powell on Meet the Press.

Bored out of your mind? Try this for some entertainment. Hey, it did me right.

Gord. Gord. Gord.

From: Mike D. Subject: somebody don't like you ok, you blow a tire, fly across the road, hit the side, shoot off in the air, hit a backhoe way high, just right, fall upside down (in the car) that the backhoe has dug, then the backhoe falls in on top of you .... somebody, somewhere, who controls cosmic forces ... does NOT fukking like you .... end of fukking story .... deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,595076752,00.html

I think Mike might just be on to something.

Feel up to the Burly Adventurer quiz?

You down with Jack McCrackin?

From: Sarah B. Subject: oh dear hey big J, so I went to a bluegrass festival over the Fourth of July weekend out in bumfuck nowhere Fossil, OR population 405 where all the little girls wore shorts that rode up their legs and the streets may as well have been gravel. my clan and I were to youngest ones there, the next age being about 75 and I'm pretty sure I heard a local use the line, " I think it's our duty being made in God's image to reproduce the images...." or something like that. Anyway, the point is that I met this guy there whose name incidentally was Jon and if he wasn't the 20 year old version of yourself I don't know who is. He was big and jonny like, wore a crazy looking cowboy hat and threw back the PBR's faster then he could shoot his mouth off to every pretty lady that crossed his path. It was scary really, and every once in awhile I just looked at him and shook my head thinking, boy I know exactly where you are going and it's straight to hell... I hear your talking shit about the cream puff already...maybe that'll give you a good excuse to get up and visit my new homeland...of course I go through homelands faster than Jon goes through PBR's and I know you talk more shit then you spew out after a night on the town so I guess we'll just have to wait and see. happy days to you, jonny

Yeah, I got protégé's everywhere. We're bad. We're nation wide.

And, me, talking shit about the Puff? Say it isn't so?

This next one is a gem. Seriously scary weird and wacky. And a total time fuck for you bored-at-work folks.

From: Adam Subject: P2P The guy wrote a script that scans P2P networks for photographs users have uploaded to personal folders, then he uploads them to the website. It's like randomly snooping through the world's collective photo album. You can't help but wonder what stories led up the moment the pictures were snapped. Or what happened after. 10eastern.com/foundphotos.html

Like I said, weird and wacky. Where else can you see pics of someone's daughter right next to stank buds?

Monday, July 12, 2004

alex   I   april summers   I   aria giovanni

God damn. The Gnome just won the Brian Head 100 single speed class. That makes him the National Champion. He gets to rock the Stars and Bars all year. Fucking A right on, you little bastard. Good on ya, mate.

I think he's going to be dangerous come Leadville.

Between him and Snake, there is going to be a whole lotta DC jersey representing at the head of affairs. Which is nice because I'll be mid pack at best, sucking dick for beer money. Hey, it's just what I do.

And I do it well.

Did you see this Kerry - Edwards let's get it on shit? Too funny. I can't even watch the whole damn thing.

Way to gay.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

From: Chris R. Subject: dru is a homo tell that pansy dru to stop whining and move his married ass back to AZ.

I'll just let you tell him.

Some sad news coming at ya. Cecil John passed away on July 6, 2004. Info up over at the Greg Romero webpage.

I'll try to follow that up with some good news:

From: jef and jul Subject: finally!!!!!!! on july 10th the reverend casey robertson from the church of convenience hitched up jul and jef in a brief one minute ceremony that was followed by pinata bashing. it was an unannounced event to everyone that came and so now we are spamming this information to you.

Thanks for spamming. The card is in the mail.

Check out the United States Beer Drinking Team.

Now that is one great idea.

Kinda makes me think of Big Pun.

From: Big Pun Subject: Reaction Jonny, I and Fitty would just like to thank you for your generosity and benevolence in not mentioning the quote, unquote "rest of the conversation" as it were; and it were, that we had at your place of residence tonight. I hope that the computer work that I completed was successful. The videos that I quote, unquote "stole" from from the Buick on the night of the white trash party were scrum-tpul-escent; although, I think that they would have been better had some of the quote, unquote "residents" actually watched them. But, I digress,...Blue, he is from South London (that's in England) , He done went and kicked my and Fitty's cheap and easy American asses into oblivion at the bar tonight. I hope I never, ever, have to face a south Londoner in a drinking contest; ever...ever; especially on my home court. I am ashamed. However; I am more than willing to take on a Tucsonian such as yourself. Perhaps you and I can meet up in the proverbial Tour de France of Drinking on my birthday on August 19th, 2004. From what I understand; Brinkman may be lending a hand to the festivities. Not just because I am me and you are you; but also because it is Rubelt's birthday and it follows Leadville. So, in that spirit, I am officially in training for the 19th. I am both apprehensive and excited. Please let me know if you are planning on continuing your streak as a Vag because I will stop drinking. now and save my strength for more important things such as sex. Hand Jobs and Cheetoes for all my men; -Biggus Punnus

It shamed me greatly to turn down your call for reinforcements last night. But, at 11:30 at night on a Sunday when my pansy ass is sleeping… Well, lets just say my drinking legs weren't about me at the moment.

I will try and do better on the 19th of August. I'll bring my helmet. And my shoes. So I have them.

And, coming up on the following weekend, we got ourselves a mountain bike festival. With, mind you, with, a single speed race of some thirty miles.

I don't have a map of the course to link up yet. But, I'd say go ahead and register before this thing fills up. Lets see how many single speeders we can get together for this thing.

That ought to be fun, eh?

Thoughts on the Tour:

From: JH Subject: Why all the crashes Since you are on the rumor tip I thought I would add my pet theory why these cats are crashing left & right in the TDF. Those new carbon wheel sets everybody is rocking now. Takes longer to stop, harder to bleed of a bit of speed on those twisty run ins on the finish line. All for the sake of lightness on flat as hell stages. Nothing scientific, just one loons wacky idea. Conti tires must be loving the fact that Phonak gets 10 flats per stage. Couldn't pay me enough to rock those shits.

I don't know, could be. Makes as much sense as anything else I've heard. Guys a wrecking the shit outta themselves for no apparent reason. I mean, the sprints are always dangerous. But these guys are falling all over themselves on straight roads.

It's always bad the first week of the Tour. Beats me why it seems to be worse this year.

From: Pete and Georgia Subject: Please Help My wife and I, are riding in the Lance Armstrong Foundations, Ride for the Roses, which is a bicycle ride in Austin Texas that benefits cancer research. We are trying to raise at least a $1000 for cancer research this year. We would appreciate it if you could help us reach our goal. Please donate at: laf.org/Donations/Donate_amount.cfm?sid=200041662

Sounds like a good thing for all the right reasons.

I'm feeling a lot of love all of the sudden.

From: Big Tex Subject: Whine whine whine Jose Grande, I've been hearing a lot of whining the past week about how every one is faster than you and they never do what you want to do. We should have Big Jonny weekend where everyone rides your ride at your speed. That would be fun!? We did our own little 4th of July special since I couldn't make it down for Cruiser Nation. It's a downhill race with a mix of dirt and pavement from the top of High Drive to the local pub downtown. The only rule is you must ride a Pixie bike. Good fun since the first dirt downhill is like the steepest sections of Elden road. This goes down in the evening since we have daylight savings. So the morning of, three of us headed out on a 7 hour adventure of our own---Phantom Canyon loop. We basically rode downhill for 2 hours then turned right and climbed a 28 mile section of dirt road. We made it Cripple Creek and hit the local Starbucks for a little zoom zoom. We had 50 miles left and mostly downhill---plus a tailwind. We arrived in CO Springs 1hr 15 minutes later. That makes a 7 hour ride beautiful when the last 50 is basically downhill. If you need to whine more, come on up and I'll punish you.

God damn. A guy wins one World Championship and it goes all to his head.

I'll bet you can't even spell "championship" you inbred product of the Texas state school system.

(Did you see how I worked in some Texas slander on him? That was cool, huh?)

From: Eric S. Subject: Goddamn McEwen procycling.com/news.aspx?ID=228 Jeezus, what a wanker! Somebody needs to give that boy the ben-hur treatment. No, not ben-wa. Ben HUR--complete with razor sharp QRs and everything. Drop his ass on the third-last circuit, then razz him on the second-last: "Hey, Wobbie! Get yer ass off the street, you scum-sucking rotter! Whassa matter, little guy, fall down go boom?" Then a nice lemon juice bath. Then Zabel or George in the sprint. Ya, last day--revenge should be cold enough by then. "'Scuse me, garçon, but this here payback is tepid! I wonder could you deposit it in a refrigeratory receptacle til its about fitty-fye degree fahrenheit? I like my whoop-azz like I like my women: ready to pass out!" Apologies to Mr. Williams.

And, here is McEwen's version from the same website.

One more and I'm out.

From: Chris D. Subject: OLN Ok bro, let the OLN slamfest begin, How in the fuck can Chris Carmichael have anything to do with Lance success? That assclown can't even explain VO2MAX. Did you hear that non word merchant when Al Troutnig asked him about it? Al: Chris, for the average viewer how do you explain VO2MAX in cycling?> CC: Well VO2Max measures higher in great athletes than it does in other athletes. When Lance is great and when he is riding up the hill he can breath errr well his is higher than most uhhh. You know, his blood count err uhhh once he uhhh. What? Thank God they gave Roll time enough to save his ass. He summed it up in one sentence and even my kids got it. As for Frankie and his new whiter teeth and canned intro and conclusions fuck him too. I love the guy but shut his piehole down man. Did you see that tech report about the new Mavic and Michi tubeless set up? He was like: The new Michelin tiers have 2 types; light ones for climbing and then heavier sticky traction ones for on the descents, Phil?. WTF like they are going to swap wheels at the top. Why can't he talk about what he knows best: filling his jersey with water bottles and sucking support vehicle wheel. Props to that dude who emailed about the fucked up coverage. He was right on. The roadside tour sucks ass for the most part. However Hans Rey is the man. He saves that show. Did you catch him asking LeBlanc to speak English? Holly shit I thought I was going to blow out like the old wobler invulnerables. That was large man. To LeBlancs credit he said something like " not this early in the day.." Yea no shit that elitist fuck drinks more cognac than 50cent with a room full of white chicks fosho More of Hans, Bob, Phil and Paul. Less of the That dumb ass Carmichael, Trout, Frankie and the blond cunt. OH and Axe the loud obnoxious American OLN Street Team running around fucking with the locals. What a bunch of fags. Your Daddy Out Post that and don't change the Troutnig spelling that was intentional. Thank god for email cuz I've done so much trip I can't look you in the eye. Ditch weed rules. You suck

Well said.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

monique   I   zoro?   I   victoria fuller

I'm riding out on Townsend-Winona road today with Big Jackass Justin. And I may have just misspelled that road name. Something like that. No matter, anyway, we're riding along and this late seventies Ford two tone four-by comes up on me, really fucking close. Dude lays on the horn, scares the shit outta me, and the passenger gives me the finger.

Jackass notices the wheelchair in the back of the truck ( I'm trying to to shit in my pants) and that the guy who just flipped me off is wearing those sporty leather gloves like you'd wear if you were in a wheelchair.

Jackass yells, "I'm glad you're in a wheelchair, asshole."

And I almost ride into the ditch laughing.

Life is one big sick joke sometimes, ain't it?

I'll see you all in hell I suppose.

So, is this how rumors get started in the office?

It if is, it sure does look like fun.

From: Corey H. Subject: Attack anyone but lance when they're down No, fucking no, fucking no. The whole idea is to wait for the really good contenders who happen to fall. Otherwise, there are always one or two weaker team members who can "oops and crash out" the competition. Shit happened a long time ago before the World Wars. Bullshit I tell ya. Same shit as Passage de Gwa when uniball won the first one. Fuck everyone who asks why I want "anybody but lance" to win. Matter of fact, same thing for Bush, too! Fuckin sheep. Go Hamilton, Go Leipheimer, Go Julich, Go Heras. May the ex-teammates/four horsemen bring the apocalypse for the Postal squad.....

Damn, homey. Damn.

I tell ya, I just don't want to see any more crashes. I'm getting sick of good riders who can influence the outcome of the race getting decked by some bullshit touch of wheels.

I guess that's racing and all that, but I'm just saying.

And while I'm spouting off my shit, how fucking cool is Wednesday going to be? That stage is going to totally flip the scrip. The top ten GC will look completely different by Wednesday night. And Friday? Big pain coming. Lots off attacks. We'll see who has got it and who doesn't on Friday. And Saturday looks like a fucking saw blade turned upside down.

Oh, it's going to be great.

I can't wait.

From: Mike D. Subject: down by crushing 166.70.44.66/2004/Jul/07112004/public_f/182478.asp

I don't usually post emails that are comprised of only a web address and nothing more, but today, I'm making an exception. You see, the subject of the email, "down by crushing" is a nice little segue into a discussion about yesterdays ride. And, I can't pass up a "fuck cars" story either.

I make a few phone calls during the week to round up the boys for a long one. The boys being who they are decided to ride really fast instead of the long steady type of effort I was looking for. The bastards. The fucking heartless bastards.

I was pushing all week for a go at the Flintstone loop. Just to get a look at that bastard before we all tackle it again on the Taylor House benefit ride on the 24th.

I got shut down. Snake wasn't hearing it. He just loves that out and back ride to Clint's Well.

"We're going to the Well.", Snake deadpanned. I see. I guess being the Gord Fraser of Flagstaff just isn't enough for him anymore. Now he wants to be the Paul Wolf of Flagstaff too. Or, some shit like that.

Whatever. A hundred and twenty mile out and back is just about ever bit as good as a hundred and fifteen mile loop. Either way I'm coming home covered in bar-b-que sauce with a fork sticking out of my ass. So fuck it.

So now Bensy, Fitty, Steve-0, Justin and myself are now cogs in the machine that is Snake's God damn land speed record attempt. Full throttle all the way, with my stupid ass getting gapped off left and right.

In short, it sucked. Fucking guys are going a million miles an hour. And I'm aiming for a long steady effort. What I'm getting is a steady, way above threshold, hang the fuck on, and you better keep pulling through or I'll kill you effort.

Thanks Snake, big ups.

When it finally ends with a sprint (that Snake took) after about five and a half hours of riding, I come to the grim realization that I have to continue riding around to make this the seven hour day I had planned. Justin rode that next extremely slow hour and a half with me, probably just to watch me suffer a bit more.

I did it. Seven hours. Must have been 140 miles when it was all said and done.

I went home and went to sleep. Got up, ate, went back to sleep.

Here is what Big Pun had to say about it, or rather, what he wrote on my laptop for me in a moment of inattention on my part. If you can't write dumb shit on your friends computer, what can you do? "I think the worst part was not being able to drink with Big Pun and Jackass once it was over. I am a big wet Vag; I tell you what."

Ouch.

From: Michael K. Subject: Colorado Bulldozer! I'm sure you saw this on the news… here is a great tape of it… this guy just had enough of City Hall. Your site fucking rules man. Everything is Bicycle.

Homeboy in Granby straight up fucking lost it.

Kinda sad, really. He drives around for awhile, runs a bunch of shit over and kills himself.

Makes about as much sense as walking into Burger King and shooting everyone.

From: Steve S. Subject: (no subject) oh yeah, did i tell you this one? whats the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds? theres twenty of them..

Oh yeah. That would be nice.

I'd ask for pictures, but then I'd go to jail.

Jail bad. Coffee good. Must get more coffee.

From: Adam S. Subject: the man corante.com/brainwaves/archives/004767.html The Man keeping you down? Trying to fight the good fight? No worries, they'll read your mind and arrest you before you act. Brought to you by the Man, keeping people down since 1492.

Great news.

Sorta like Brandt testing positive for methadone at the Tour.

How the fuck do you take methadone and remain a competitive cyclist. Methadone is what you take to get off a heroin addiction. You don't just up and take methadone for recovery.

What the hell do I know? Maybe you do. If anyone happens to know a little something something about that sort of thing, drop me an email. I'll keep your name on the DL and all that shit.

I'm just curious as hell about why anyone would be taking methadone.

Time to just start banging them out.

From: Mike D. Subject: Five minutes everybody says "W" Bush was a failure in the oil business, and was involved in weird deals that always seemed to have rich benefactors, including Saudi's, appear at magical moments, so Bush came out on top with lots of cash here is the best; organized, concise, accounting (pun) of it I've ever read; hope you have the five minutes Bush's Magical Touch in Making Money

Ah boy. It never ceases to amaze me. We spend years and millions investigating Whitewater. And not a fucking dime on this mess.

Whatever.

Fuck all.

From: Matt D. Subject: The Republicans are funding Ralph Nader. Does anyone still not understand that a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush? sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/07/09/MNGQQ7J31K1.DTL

Well, if they didn't understand it before, maybe they understand it now.

At least I hope so.

Friday, July 9, 2004

dita von teese   I   redhead for dave   I   young guns

Check out the war on porn. Kicked off in Utah of all places. Go figure.

Porn is bad, mmmkay…

Have I mentioned how glad I am that it's Friday? Well, I am. Very glad. Glad glad glad.

Tons of kick ass pics from the Tour up over on Graham Watson's webpage. If your into that type of thing.

And I'm going to guess that you are.

From: Tom M. Subject: Military instructions "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on United States Army Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -United States Marine Corps Training Bulletin "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate." "The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -United States Air Force literature "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantryman's Journal "A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it." "That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -United States Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantryman's Journal "Tracers work both ways." -United States Army Ordnance Manual "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantryman's Journal "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantryman's Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Combat Decorated Captain "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." -Anonymous Naval brass "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

How many wrecks today in the Tour? I think at last count it was up to something like 375,000.

Ok, I'm exaggerating a little bit here. More like five wrecks. But, damn. How many guys are going to get hurt? Petacchi is out, Cippo too. McEwen looks to have a nice case of baboon ass. Hamilton is all bitched up.

I'm not worried about Tyler Hamilton. I don't want to hear about it unless his arm is torn completely off. He's hurt, he just rides better.

The guy is like a tank, I tell ya. A tank.

Flagstaff's own Tom S. chasing down some poor bastard on a highwheeler. Yeah, he's one of the "Cutters" on OLN. From the looks of my inbox, those Cutter fellas aren't to popular this year.

Too bad, Tom's a good guy. He's from Philly. He's got heart.

I've watched the Eagles lose many times with him. Now that's bonding.

How long have the other Cutters been around? The ones out in Indiana I mean. Seems to me it all started back in 1984. But, I could certainly be wrong about that. Read more about the history of the Little 500.

Good thing we've got ourselves and Indiana boy named Art here in town who knows a thing or two about it. He's a real Cutter. He'll tell ya. Just ask him.

From: Dru B. Subject: OLN's coverage Ok Jonny, I just hooked up satellite at work today in time to catch one of the 12 times the team time trial was on today. We don't get OLN at home so I had to get it at work on someone else's dime. I've been watching the tour on tv since it was shown only one weekend a year on the wide world of sports in the 80's. But I have never been more disappointed than with the coverage of the cutters and OLN's effort to suck the marrow out of the essence of the sport we both love. I feel like a fool being a serious cycling fan. And another thing. Can OLN suck Armstrong's' dick any more than they already are? They are sacrificing good journalism (if there is such a thing) at the expense of telling you that some drunks on the street wish Bobke happy birthday, or have broken into the velodrome and reproduced a scene from Breaking away. What the hell? Who the Hell cares what Cheryl Crow's opinions are of how Lance looks in spandex? What makes her the resident expert on Cycling? I think those berry floor red stripes makes his ass look fat!! I want to hear how Euskaltel is going to attack at every incline because Mayo is out of contention. How He will win the mountain time trial, because he has nothing to lose. I want to see an expose on Ulrich and how he can upset the Texan. Or even some serious news on Hamilton or What about the contenders? OLN handed lance the Yellow in Paris 6 months ago, the next 2 weeks are just filler for cable tv and the morons pushing trek bikes down your throat. Granted, I am pushing Treks as well, but this is ridiculous!! I'll watch but I wont drink the kool-aid!! So once again, I'm with Ang, go Jan!! Pray for the upset and that US. tv watching, beer guzzling, nascar fans will get off their lazy asses and start riding a bike and stop plowing over the innocent cyclists they don't see because they're sipping a late, talking on their cell phone, driving their behemoth land yacht to the mall.

Right on.

Check this out: Fucking to save the rain forest.

Most have got that link twenty times today…

More on the Tour.

From: JR210BEER Subject: Paybacks are a bitch! Jonny, I don't want to hear anyone bitch about sportsmanship when it comes to Mayo. Has everyone forgotten Mayo's stunt during last years tour, sucking Ulrich's wheel up a mountainside and dashing past him, taking away a valuable time bonus that Ulrich needed and Mayo did not? The peloton has not forgotten! I hope he was happy with that 3 or 4 seconds, 'cause it turned into 3 minutes yesterday! Mayo got exactly what he deserved. Go back and watch yesterday's stage and you'll see just how disinterested everyone is in helping him back. Postscript - Keep up the great work, more porn, go Happy Fun Racing!

I think you're on to something there. Ullrich certainly made sure Mayo wasn't going to get back on, didn't he?

And I guess you really can't blame him for that.

If you haven't seen the Happy Fun Racing folks, you can check them out peterfagerlin.com.

Team Time Trail? What a mess.

From: George C. Subject: Screwed up TTT The new TTT rules are so screwed up on so many levels. Check this out. Phonak only beat T-Moble by 12 seconds, but due to the new rules, the time difference if 20 seconds. Not only does Tyler get a gift by cutting his losses to Lance, he gets a gift of 8 seconds over Jan. As you know 8 seconds is enough to win the Tour. It's screwed up all the way up and down the results.

Yep. That was fucking stupid. I have no idea why they Tour organizers would set it up like that.

I mean, why even have the stage if you can't put the time into your rivals that you earned? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

From: froggy Subject: more TTT folly If you look at the Hamilton/Ullrich gaps, the T-mob stayed within :12 of Phonak but will be dealt a :20 gap on GC courtesy of the Tour director. So Ulrich had minimal loss to Armstrong based on his team's fourth place but is actually took an :08 hit against Tyler due to the rule. It seems ludicrous that a race that is so closely run by the clock for 3 weeks on end could bastardize the timing to such a degree. I'm not in the cult of Lance but any team that put in a performance like Postal's would take the win bitter-sweet. Keep up the excellent work!

Like I said, makes no god damn sense at all.

Upcoming race in Flagstaff:

From: Scott S. Subject: stuff We are putting on a race in Flagstaff on Sunday, September 12. It's at Fort Tuthill, and although I am well aware of its relative lameness, it might turn out to be pretty cool. It may be especially cool when you consider the other races that won't be happening in the fall. I am pushing this as a Tandem Off-Road and XC Mountain Bike race. Thus, anyone who has a mountain tandem should bring it on out. I can count maybe 10 tandems I know will be there, and the more we get the more fun it'll be. Of course it'll be a race with other classes, but many will be combined and there might be some fun competition. Details will be up at MBAA soon.

Sounds good to me. Click here to check out the MBAA website.

Thursday, July 8, 2004

hottie on a bike   I   not quite as hottie   I   lauren phoenix

God damn O'Grady looked good this morning. Homeboy was hungry after a couple of shitty ass days. Did he wreck three times in three days? That's gotta piss a brother off.

I've got a sticker on my cross bike that says, "What would Danzig do?"

I guess the answer is: Get knocked the fuck out.

Big news in AZ hardcore at the moment; Danny from the North Side Kings piled a big old ham fist of love into one Glenn Danzig on Saturday night up in Tuba City. Yeah. You can see it yourself over at AZ Punk. You can read all about it over at the Blabbermouth message board.

I'd link the NSK site, but it's down at the moment. Go figure.

I've met Danny before, and he a stand up guy. I have it on good authority he can bbq like nobodies business. And I certainly wouldn't want that big ass mother fucker to punch me anytime soon.

I'll even post a little .gif I found of the "incident" over here. Quicker than the vid, and every bit as fun

I just can't stop watching it.

From: Dave Evil Subject: Cutters I have directed the whole roster of the Evil cycling team to focus their efforts on one single goal: abducting and murdering the Cutters. They suck. Not funny. If I want halted, stuttering humor, I'll go watch the old folks at the home. How dare they sully the name Cutters of Dave Stohler fame? How dare they sully it?!?!?!?! I will tape all their eyes open and make them watch as we ass rape their stupid whale, and make a burn pile of all their USPS stickers and envelopes. Then we'll mount our steeds, with Kirsten Gum strapped to the back of one, and ride off to the nearest bar.

More of the same line of thought over at the velonews forum. It's getting rough out there, kids.

I only made the mistake of watching the "recap" coverage once. I can't stand it.

Never again.

I watch the live coverage in the morning. Give me Paul and Phil and racing. I don't want any fluff, I don't need any fill. Just keep my coffee cup full and keep your god damn voice down.

We got the Tour on the telly.

Yo! Down in front!

Wednesday, July 7, 2004

school girl trainwreck   I   must be really good friends   I   redhead?

Team Time Trail means one thing: Pain. And a lot of it. Now, can someone please explain to me this sliding scale of limited losses dreamed up by the Tour organizers? I just don't get it.

And I don't think I'm the only one.

If you can put two minutes into your rivals in TTT, well, good on ya mate. Turn the fucking screws. That's what its there for.

So now what, limited losses on uphill finishes?

This is bullshit. Postal crused today, and there dominace is being nullified. And I'm not just talking about the really, really slow teams. I'm talking about guys like Ullrich and Hamilton, who should be farther back than they are. They didn't earn that.

From Yahoo News:

"As a result, Hamilton lost only 20 seconds to Armstrong despite the fact his Phonak team finished 1:07 behind. Ullrich's German team T-Mobile were 1:19 slower than U.S. Postal and were fortunate to lose just 40 seconds. "

That is complete fucking bullshit.

And this is coming from a man who is cheering for Ullrich and Hamilton to win this fucker.

From: Chris S. Subject: tour stats from Tallahassee, FL times I've been called Lance by passing motorists: 4 times a customer has ruined stage results for me while working at my shop: 2 vive le tour

I'd say the Lance to Spoiler ratio is working in your favor. Lets hope it stays that way.

Tony brings the pain.

From: Tony Bagadonuts Subject: Another Tour Drinking Game Remember the Drinking game "Bob"? You know, while watching the "Bob Newhart Show" you have to drink any time someone says "Bob"? Try this one on for size. While watching the Tour, any time anyone says "Lance", you have to drink. Unless you are a professional drinker, good luck getting through the first 10 minutes of OLN's coverage. For those who really are professional drinkers, this game continues 24 hours a day until the tour is over. AND in the event of a 6th win, the game continues indefinitely until people finally get tired of talking about LA. Better get a keg. T-Bag....adonuts

An excellent idea, and one that would feel the big timber of drinking professionals. I don't think the legendary Big Pun could handle such an onslaught. It simply cannot be done.

That said, he'll be at the bar tonight proving me wrong.

Other fun ones I've heard are: Drinking every time there is a Bob Roll commercial, Sheryl Crow interview, or when the "cutters" act like, well, themselves.

Hey, it wasn't my idea. I'm just passing it on.

I'll stick with cheering.

My man Kevin Nobel just got 16th overall and 5th single speed. in the Cream Puff. Nice ride. And, he was rocking a drunkcyclist.com jersey. Really nice.

Next year, I think I'm doing the Puff. I'm sick of all this mamby pamby bullshit. I'm going big.

And then I'm going to curl up in a ball and cry like a little girl.

From: June Bug Subject: The Collegiate Cyclist's Forum Hey Big Jonny, Just in case you knew of any collegiate riders who might be interested in my team's new forum. Collegiate riders unite! I encourage you to check out The Collegiate Cyclist's Forum. It is hosted by the University of Idaho Off-Road Vandals mountain bike club. Please register! This is brand new and only the beginning; we will change it to make it better. uiorvandals.com, then proceed to the Messageboard. Registering only takes a minute of your precious time. I am hoping to make this a homebase for all of the nation's collegiate cyclists to connect, since I have noticed some Conference mailing lists are somewhat inactive, some aren't. Enjoy. p.s. This is Ullrich's year...

Well, you heard the lady you collegiate jackasses. Get to it.

And, I've got good money on Ullrich. Long cash. Enough to buy a whole six pack of beer and have some left over for dounuts.

From: Todd S. Subject: Waiting in the Tour Hello, A few month reader, first time emailer. In regards to people not waiting for Mayo, but waiting for Armstrong last year.... Wasn't the reason that Hamilton stressed waiting last year when Armstrong went down because Armstrong was wearing the yellow and tradition is to wait for the yellow when it is down? Mayo wasn't in yellow was he? Just a thought.

I think you are exactly correct.

From: Johnny Smoke Subject: Tour Gossip from the Forum on Velonews velonews.com/phorum3/read.php?f=4&i=441&t=441 Re: sheryl crow Author: 60cycle Date: 07-07-04 09:11 anyone else notice that lance tends to date women that look a lot like his mother?

Ouch.

More Tour related bullshit.

From: Mark S. Subject: I TOLD YOU SO. ( I love the I told you so's ) He's about to quit, You watch. I told you Mayo didn't have a team. If he did they could carry him a bit. Now that he is down they are useless. Heras?? I told you so. Tyler?? I told you so. Alessio is doing alot better than I thought. Thats nice because I love those guys and they ride Bianchi's. Stage 5- only one climb and unless there is a big crash.......BORING Stage 6- Flat, Needs a crash to not be ..... BORING Stage 7- Beautiful rolling hillside with a sprint finish hopefully someone will crash or.....BORING Stage 8- A bit shorter and more rolling. Unless there is a Break or a crash......BORING Rest day, Finaly a break from the BOREDOM Fuck sprinters, they're boring. Lets talk around stage 10.

Damn. You sound like a NASCAR fan with all that crashing shit.

Mayo's team is going to look a whole lot tougher as soon as the road tilts upward. We're going to see a whole lot of orange at the front of the field come next Wednesday.

Is anyone surprised a team like Euskaltel had difficulties on the cobbles? You think any of those guys have even seen cobbles before?

And I think the sprints are bad ass. McEwen is the man. Did you see him with the Green Jersey last year? (yeah, I could write 'Maillot Vert' but fuck it. I'm not French.)

McEwen is much like out own little garden gnome he'll punch his way out if the box and show you how it's done. You just gotta love the whole, "Shut your mouth or I will fill it with my fist" line he threw at Armstrong back in 2002.

That fucking ruled.

Tuesday, July 6, 2004

jessica drake   I   barbie griffin   I   lesbians rule

First up, John Kerry has chosen John Edwards as his running mate, describing him as "a man who understands and defends the values of America."

I happen to find great comfort in that at the moment. More over at Slate.

New Krugman piece up at the NY Times as well. Worth a look as always.

Pretty sure I linked this flash fireworks thing last year. Still fun.

What did Mayo end up losing today? Four minutes? Jesus fuckin Christ, he just lost the Tour. And tomorrow is going to put him back even further. Luck for him this year you can only lose two and half minutes in the team time trail. Or is it three? I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Good thing my bet has him down for third behind Ulrich and Hamilton. That he can still do.

This is off the Cyclingnews live coverage. The italics are mine.

16:19 CEST 170km/40km to go The Mayo group are coming back towards the leading bunch, but only slowly - it doesn't look as though they're going to get back before the second section of pave. T-Mobile, US Postal and Phonak are all working hard on the front (whatever happened to not attacking favourites who crash, I hear you ask - and have no answer). Illes Baleares have moved up to help in the chasing group, to work for Denis Menchov. The sprinters' teams are all taking it nice and easy for the moment.

The writer has made an interesting point. All year, all over the internet, I've been hearing about who waited for Lance and who didn't and this guys a bastard and this guys an ass and so forth after what happened on stage 15. Bottom line; Ulrich, Hamilton and Mayo all waited for Armstrong after he fell. But, as my man Ray-Ray says, that was apples and this is oranges.

On the flats of the first week of the Tour, this is how racing works. Wrong side of the split on the climb/cobbles/corner/hill too bad. Good luck catching back up.

In a small group, like you had on the climb of Luz Ardiden, you can play a slightly different game and act like gentleman. Try pulling that one off with 90 nervous and motivated men on the third day of the Tour. Today was straight up gansta shit. Bye bye time. The crying game, er, waiting game just isn't going to happen.

It didn't happen on the Passage du Gois back in 1999 where, "Armstrong, Abraham Olano of ONCE, Pavel Tonkov of Mapei and Bobby Julich of Cofidis, realized that they had a chance to leave some formidable rivals far behind and spurred their teammates into hyperspeed." And it shouldn't have happened today. Zulle, Gotti and Boogerd each lost 6 minutes on stage 5 that year. Want to avoid the split? Stay at the front.

Remember the part in Fahrenheit 9/11 where the point was made about police funding being slashed to the point where there is hardly any cops on duty and empty police stations? Well, look what just happened in Florida.

From: Chris D. Subject: Who told you… ...that Mayo would not get the help when he needed it? Who's your daddy? It was perhaps the best moment of "Cyclysm" truth in the tour yet to see Mayo alone at the front of the second group for 4 hours while Lance and Jan laid the wood to him. Fuck 'wheel-sucks' like Mayo; it all comes back to hurt you when you have a history of NOT sharing the pain. Today's AOL key word is: OVER BTW is it me or does fucking OLN play more commercials than ESPN ever did?

Who told me? You told me. The "D" must stand for "Daddy". So, why are we in Iraq again, daddy?

I didn't see the wreck the split the field, but I did watch the last hour and I saw the damage it caused. I can't believe Mayo lost that much time today. I did hear Euskaltel was at, or near, the front of the field when it happened, so I don't know what else they could have done.

I think that Unai Etxebarria was doing the Lions share of the work, but whatever. Euskaltel still got jacked.

Nice day in yellow for Thor Hushovd, eh? Well, at least he had one.

And that's more than I'll ever have.

Monday, July 5, 2004

jari valentina   I   hello nasty   I   april

Yeah, sure, the bike is nice and all, but check out the tools. The guys got it all: Some assorted allen wrenches, a spare saddle, a container full of hardware, some park tools and a nice looking tool chest to keep it all in. Nice kit. Nice and tidy. And, of course, a big ass cordless drill.

'Cause even in the Tour, sometimes you gotta start drilling holes in shit to make it work.

And this letter commenting on O'Grady's foaming rant from Seamus Weber is up over at the velonews letters section.

"This is the very best piece that I have read - humor and the ability to get your point across, too. Mr. V and his hired help - very, very funny. You know, you're not that far away from the truth - my people tell me that something big is about to be exposed at Le Tour. Millar is the tip of the iceberg. Watch this space."

I'm thinking much the same thing, something bit is about to come to the surface at the Tour. I have no inside line on this one, just a hunch. A feeling. It's due time the French blow the lid off this mother fucker much like the Italians did in the Giro a few years back.

Riders were jumping out the windows of their hotel rooms when the police hit the door. It must have looked like a episode of cops over there.

I find it questionable that the Italians can find a ton of drugs in a sweep, and then a few weeks later in France, everything is just hunky dory. All the same teams and riders just up and decided to clean up their collective acts in a little over a month?

I don't think so.

The corner stone of the Freedom Tower was put in place in New York over the weekend.

Sometimes wonder if that wound gouged into all of us on that fateful day will ever heal.

Maybe someday it will. I hope.

And, also on the BBC webpage, a story about Michael Berg, the father of Nick Berg. Interesting I have to go to a fucking British news site to read that.

Maybe I'm being unfair. You can read the interview on ABC. In an article penned by their European correspondent. Go figure. Maybe I need new sources of media? Something other than the usual American crap.

More on Zabels wacky cable routing choice. I mean, this is fucking ridiculous. Not a real good pic, but check out the fucked up cable routing here. I don't know why he'd even bother, it just can't work all that well. And, what in the world is he trying to gain with that get up?

Beats the hell outta me.

If you like get your war on like I do, check out this interview with the strips creator, David Rees.

From: Bruce E. Subject: jogger story Hey Big J, Kind of funny in a sad way. I've raced that crit a few times on my biz trips to the Bay Area. But anyway... This reminds me of one of the incidents of which my friends invariably remind me of when I start talking to loudly. Namely the: "the time you almost killed the jogger" Back in the day when I was pretty strong, my job was to keep the pack together until a break we liked was off. One of these times, during a regular old Thursday Night World Champion of Salt Lake Crit, I saw a break we didn't like getting away, or trying to get away, and simply went to the front and put my head down, like so many times before. I could squat 550+ pounds (1000+ plus on the Snowbird Fitness machines) at this time and could pull at 35+ for a kilo or so, thoroughly enjoying the pain being registered behind me. So here you have me, in the 1-2's pack, doing a quick kilo pull to bring a break back, head down, 70-80 guys single-lined behind me with gaps starting to open in the first ten. Flying. And then all of a sudden I see a bit of color in front of me, looking up with my eyes, and in the space of less than a tenth of a second I simultaneously threw myself left and up, in a forward flip, as I nailed some guy jogging on the course with his back to us. Man, I thought I killed him! I crushed my helmet between his spine and left shoulder blade. He flew at least 20 feet, and I ended up beyond him, landing almost right on my feet, and immediately running back to put my Alta Ski Patrol medical skills to work. But he was OK enough to keep on jogging for a few more laps... And my so called friends, actually they were all close at that time, were ribbing me so hard about how they were right in line behind me wondering why I was going so close to the guy, and then I whacked him! I was just peeking at the curb through the tops of my glasses and putting the wood to it. But the bastards never forget the stupid stuff, do they : ) Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Old stories...

I'm surprised you didn't kill him. Must have been like ramming a fucking brick wall at that speed.

Ugly.

From: E.C. Subject: lance thoughts on the day before Ok so my landlord decided that I need to be outta here, wife in tow, by Monday. I have to get packing. As I am doing just that, I come across the August 6 2001 Sports Illustrated my sister got me as a going away/ moving to Munich gift. (There were other things, but whatever.) I paw thru it and re-read the article. the fact that Indurain would 'punish' the peloton with 40kph days is more proof that those guys are really inhuman. here's a snippet. "After hammering up the Col De Madelaine on a rainy day in May, he [lance] was frustrated to learn that the L'Alpe d'Huez was snowed in. "Anyone else would have gotten in the car, had some hot tea and gone home" says [ Johan ] Bruyneel. "Lance turned his bike around, rode to the bottom of the Madelaine and went up it again, just so he could get in another climb that day." That, my dear Drunk Cyclists, is commitment. I said it once and Ill say it again. There is something about coming from Texas that makes you insane, and does more for sheer will than those who have never lived there can ever understand. When Texans say "REMEMBER THE ALAMO." They are not celebrating the slaughter of Mexicans, the advancement of the white guy, the displacement of various ethnic groups. They are in essence saying "Don't give up. Whatever the cost, don't ever stop until you're dead. If you do, you might as well be..." I know if he does Ill have to eat my words, and I expect many others will also. But how many naysayers will have to eat theirs, when it comes out he's truly a master and a sicko, and an inhuman cycling machine? How many people will apologize for ranting against him? How easy it is to cheer for him the first time, the second, and even the third. Then how much easier it is to pick away at someone who had some genuine talent. Slammin the guy who is out there doing it harder than most of us. I guess I'm done with that. Just wait till it's all out, is all I'm saying. Until then, lets just enjoy what will [in my humble opinion ] be the best race since he won back in 2000.

Yep. Texas is fucked up.

And the Tour kicks ass.

One more and I'm out.

From: Tony Bagadonuts Subject: Dude, remember bikes? BJ, We've got some tour watching to do this month brother. Check out Phil N Paul Bingo here: geocities.com/fourlakes_99/home/cycling/pnpbingo.htm I'm going to find a way to turn it into a drinking game. For instance, you have to slam a beer instead of marking your card. Last one to take a piss wins. Later you drunken left wing hippy singlespeed porn purveyor.

Now that is some funny shit. I might have to start playing that while watching the live coverage in the morning. Just to liven it up a bit.

That and gambling.

Saturday, July 4, 2004

tiffany lang   I   lesbians rule   I   xara diaz

The Tour has started and everything points to this being a very special year. However it ends up, we are in for a treat.

I could be wrong on this, but I think this is the first time Ulrich is on Shimano in the Tour. In fact, I don't know if he has ever ridden anything besides Campy as a professional. Maybe this is what he needed all along?

I didn't find a good pic, but Zabel is running his Shimano shirft cable housing on the inside of his bartape. Yeah. That's easy to pull off. No drag there, nope, none. Ought to shift like a charm, Eric.

And, while I'm talking about it, I wouldn't be surprised if all three podium spots were taken by a rider on Shimano this year. Doesn't seem like much, but before Lance Armstrong, Shimano had never won the top spot Tour de France. Not once.

This one had me laughing, Tyler Hamilton just wants to get his crash out of the way as soon as possible.

And, remember to read the Scott Sunderland Tour diary.

From: Tom M. Subject: 9 speed is for pussies and those richer than I what the fuck is wrong with 8 speeds? all 8 of my bikes are 8 speed and I'm happy as a pants less child pornographer in a preschool with 1000 fresh feet of 8 mm film. here I was thinkin you were gawds own messenger of "less is more". what happened to ya pal? gettin soft in yer old age?

I'm softer than a babies bottom these days. To be frank: I suck.

And here I thought I was backing of the political tip? I guess not. One email I got this weekend read, "bush sucks, kerry is no better. He wants to put even more people over in the oil fields and spend more money on that deal. Fuck. We can't win. I want clinton back. He was a dirty no good cheatin adulterer but thats my man. Whats the point in being married if you aint cheatin? Thats what makes it ENDURABLE....."

Now that's poetry, ain't it?

From: Josh F. Subject: 3 things that's coo about bush 1. If your getting to see bush hopefully you are gonna do more with it than look at it... 2. if you got a problem with bush beat that fucker with a "dick" and then you have kept two assholes busy. 3. bush isn't so bad... wait I was thinking of something completely different... I'm moving to Canada no need for fake America freedom might as well move somewhere that we openly enslave. FREE CANADA

That's about it for tonight. I got in 7 hours Saturday and 3 and a half today. I'm about as done as done could be. Stick a fork in me already and flip me off this grill.

Friday, July 2, 2004

bucci twins   I   dru berrymore   I   fishnet thingy

"If you can't explain it, that just boils down to as asswhoopin."

Less then twenty hours till the Tour starts. This, my friends, is going to be a good one. I foresee small time gaps and multiple lead changes over the next three weeks.

I also foresee me spending a whole lot of time sitting in the coffee shop every friggin morning watching the live OLN coverage and spending enough money to cover the electric bill for the month. It's just what I do.

You think this thing looks fast? Damn. And, the frame was made by Birkenstock?

Wacky.

From: Brad C. Subject: Asian TV show Forget about that show being fucked up........I wanna be a contestant!

The line starts immediately to my left. More random thoughts on Japanese porno game shows.

From: Kristoffer M. Subject: friday's japanese tv show hey man. long time reader first time douchebag. i live in japan right now, so i was much surprised when i fired up that clip, and heard, blasting through my speakers, "WHO LIKES COCK?!?! MEEEE!!!!" Good thing all my windows and doors are open. Good thing also I'm a teacher at a middle school here, and two of my students live next door. Well, they had to learn about the realities of a healthy sex life some day. anyway, there's no real good reason for shit like this. japanese porn thrives on creativity at any cost, particularly the cost of logic or actually being remotely erotic. i've seen a two hour porn based on a darth-maul lookalike with a computerized voice hypnotizing a woman so she enjoys sex (but not with darth maul). i've seen a man make an omelet with eggs he used to give a woman an enema. but of course, i haven't ever seen any genitals. it's a crazy place over here, man. but in a cool way.

I'd say it's crazy over there. The folks the brought us the new Dura Ace ten speed group also brought us, what was it, enema omelets? Jesus fucking Christ, is that ever some sick shit.

No pun intended.

Any, why is it whenever I see some really fucked up porno, and I mean the really fucking depraved shit, it's always either Japanese or German? Do they hold some kind of monopoly on it?

Or, do they just get better distribution?

Big email day. Go figure. Let's start with Mr. Moore.

From: David B. Subject: Big J- Michael Moore ain't the best journalist/documentarian of all time. But the criticism of Mr. Moore has been rather acerbic. Here's a great article. You will enjoy it: zmag.org/content/print_article.cfm?

It is a good article. Man, we're talking a metric assload of email.

From: Josh O. Subject: Chris Hetchins is an asshole Hey Stretch, I went and saw F9/11 today. Wow. I saw Spiderman 2, too, which was really good, but that's not what I'm here to rant about. Anyway, I read the counterpoint by Chris Hetchins even before I saw the movie; And now that I have seen it, I have to say Chris Hetchins is a great big piece of shit. Lemmee s'plain with this one quote which fairly well embodies the spirit of the whole article: "More interesting is the moment where Bush is shown frozen on his chair at the infant school in Florida, looking stunned and useless for seven whole minutes after the news of the second plane on 9/11. Many are those who say that he should have leaped from his stool, adopted a Russell Crowe stance, and gone to work. I could even wish that myself. But if he had done any such thing then (as he did with his "Let's roll" and "dead or alive" remarks a month later), half the Michael Moore community would now be calling him a man who went to war on a hectic, crazed impulse." How exactly would excusing himself from the kiddies' room to handle a national emergency have equated to a hectic, crazed impulse? That would have been respectable, responsible (dare I say brave?) leadership. But, no. He froze, then he ran and hid, the worthless piece of shit. Only after he became the focus of ridicule and derision for his cowardice did he start to pound his chest and shriek like an angry monkey. Fuck. Hetchins pulls every trick he accuses Moore of in that article. And although I said I was only going to use the one quote, here's another good one: "I'll merely ask this: In the film, Moore says loudly and repeatedly that not enough troops were sent to garrison Afghanistan and Iraq." Umm, actually no, Chris. The quote was only Afghanistan. He didn't say Afghanistan and Iraq. Besides, that wasn't even a question, you lying piece of shit. How the fuck is this guy a paid journalist? How the hell did he get Slate to give him 2000 words? You know what this reeks of? Sour grapes. And here they are: "Yeah, well, I have myself written and presented about a dozen low-budget made-for-TV documentaries, on subjects as various as Mother Teresa and Bill Clinton and the Cyprus crisis, and I also helped produce a slightly more polished one on Henry Kissinger that was shown in movie theaters." Wow. That's comedy gold! Low-budget made-for-TV? This guy's pretty obviously angry about his crappy-ass career floundering and lashing out at Moore because he's getting the publicity Hetchins so desired. Fuck. I'm tired. Out.

Chris Hetchins pretty much sucks it.

Rock out with your cocks out, ladies and gentlemen. And, for all you ladies, just borrow a cock. It's all good.

From: John A. Subject: Consider this, hoss… Big Jonny.... I'm sitting here, drinking my double Black Jack (neat) with a Corona back thinkin', fuck man, you know, it might actually be BETTER if W and his pansy ass crew won re-election. Hear me out for two seconds before you delete my email.... W et al have managed to fuck up things domestic and foreign since they took the reins. Why should ANYONE else, be it Kerry or Nader or whomever, have to clean up that mess? W made the shit-sandwich, he and his crew should have to eat all of it. Iraq is a mess and will continue to be a mess for at least a couple of years. And because of what W et al have done, we're going to be there for years. Why not make the people who got us into the mess stick it out and take the BLAME for all of it? Don't get me wrong: in my heart, I think W needs to go and go NOW. But shouldn't there be at least a little bit of accountability? 'You fucks got us here, you fucks take the blame and clean it up.'

I've heard that referred to as the "pottery barn plan" where, you break it, you buy it.

From: Adam S. Subject: RE: voting republican A vote for Bush at this point is a character flaw. badnarik.org There are alternatives. Read through that shit, it makes some sense. Let's not back ourselves into only two corners, especially since we're in a fucking geodesic gangbang. It's no wonder the country is so polarized. There are only two *viable* contestants for Jackass of the United States. "Oh, the only way to derail Bush is to vote for Kerry." "Oh, fuck you, you tree hugging gay marriage humping socialist pinko fascists, I'm voting for Bush." "Well shit, um, uh, I hate you so I am voting for Bush. Yeah, take that tough guy. Where is Charlton Heston when you need him?" "It's on!" I'll show you politics in America; here it is, right here: I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs! I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking! Hey wait a minute, there's one guy holding up both puppets! Shut up! Go back to bed America, your government is in control… Bill Hicks Wake the fuck up, all of you. Divide and conquer, bitches. No progress will come from either *viable* candidate. That would ruin the game. Reality is what you make it. Subvert the dominant regime. Yes, this was the Corona talking. At least my thesis is in.

Corona is a popular beer with the folks out there lately. Kina makes me thirsty just talking about it...

I'm hearing ya, baby. Most of what the Libertarians say appeals to me, except when they get a little extreme on property rights. That tends to distance me from them a bit. But, as we are all already aware, I am a moron.

From: Tim T. Subject: A couple of reasons to vote for Kerry Big Johnny, 1. Kerry actually went to war. He even did some fighting in a real combat unit. Bush where the hell was he at? Any body ever claim that 10 grand reward yet? So at least Kerry has a pretty good idea what war is truly about. Bush thinks that playing dress up in a flight suit gives him credibility. 2. Kerry never went to bed with any big oil companies. Hello... Halliburton and no bid contracts. 3. Kerry never started an unjustifiable war. I understand that the Taliban needed an ass whipping but were the hell are all those WMD's. With all our resources going to Iraq Afghanistan is left out to dry. But then again Halliburton wouldn't be making all that money. Check out my web site build your own. earthlink.net/~halcar2000/

More of the same.

From: Randy H. Subject: Kerry Reasons Big Jon, I am disappointed in your three, I mean two, reasons to vote for Kerry. Yet I don't completely blame you, for Kerry doesn't seem to stand for a whole lot. Yet, after the many months you spent discussing (and hopefully thinking about) his candidacy vs. the Bush administration, I'd think, if Kerry were really worth electing, that you'd have three good reasons to vote for him permanently burned into your memory, and be able to rattle them off even upon waking up hungover after a hard night draped over a keg. But, you offered your pathetic list with the excuse of "caffeine deprivation", and yet moan about voter apathy in the same breath? Given the reasons you gave to vote for Kerry, we could just as well vote for Adolf Hitler if he were alive. He's not Bush, and given the ignorant, apathetic voting population, his galvanizing speeches, and the organizing power 'Dolf would have, he'd be electable. I am not a big supporter of Kerry, but I do believe that he's a better choice than Bush. How about I start off your list? I will qualify mine with the caveat that I don't believe we have many good reasons to vote for Kerry. We have mostly reasons vote against Bush. It's fortunate for Kerry that Bush is so bad, for if the incumbent Republican president were better, Kerry would get slaughtered in November. Here goes: 1) Kerry has a real military career, and is not a chickenhawk 2) Kerry does not have an obvious axe to grind with any foreign leader and, therefore, along with reason #1, might make more sensible decisions regarding national defense. I'll include here the fact that Kerry doesn't have a slew of Saudi buddies to protect like the Bush family does. 3) Kerry has not proven himself completely incapable of running things, unlike Bush, who has failed miserably in every business venture in which he had (in most cases handed to him, not earned by him) any amount of control, and now has proven himself unfit as a president (at least in my opinion). 4) Kerry does not confuse dissent with treason. 5) Kerry has a better environmental position. I welcome input here, for as you can see, I'm also having trouble defining this man and why I'd want him to lead my country. I slip easily into comparing him with Bush instead of stating his merits. Maybe it because I think he's much the same as Bush. He has access to, and uses big money, he's got lots of big money friends, so he's beholden to special interests. He's voted to maintain big business subsidies, and in part, has contributed to the growth of multinational corporations that speed the loss of American manufacturing jobs. He's another politician's politician. It's damned hard to get to that level without getting shit on your shoes.

You got me on the apathy point. Needing a pot of coffee in the system is no excuse for ducking the challenge. Lucky for me, I have about 4,000 guys willing to write in with there own lists and save my lazy fat ass.

Good looking out, I'd be lost without you.

Maybe it all just comes down to dueling banjo's in the end.

Some more links, in no particular order:
msnbc.msn.com/id/4286105/
back-to-iraq.com/archives/000778.php
npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=3087023
auntiefashions.com/
homepage.mac.com/stevelyon/vacation/imovie.html

If ya got bored with it, make sure you hit that last one. You won't be disappointed. Trust me.

From: NorCal Subject: What the hell!!!! I've been coming to your web site for about two years and am pissed that there is more political talk than cycling talk. Presidency is american. Cycling is not. What ever happened to drinkin', ridin', and smokin'? LAME SHIT HERE!

Yeah dude, I hear ya. I'm about off the political tip. It's fucking killing me.

I'm pretty pissed the fuck off about the way things are being run in this country and I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut about it.

I'm sure I'll get all good and fired up about something in a couple of days, but God Damn. I've got to find something else to talk about before I stick my head in the fucking gas oven and just end it all.

I'll leave ya with this one. Have a good 4th of July. Let's see if we can keep all our fingers this year.

From: Tall Paul Subject: You know you're trailer trash when… 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people." 6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this." 8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 10. Your junior prom had a daycare. 11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines." 12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. 14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 15. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Thursday, July 1, 2004

heather hunt   I   jenteal the cowgirl   I   what up hottie

Happy Canada Day.

Let's start this one off with the really fucked up shit.

From: Joe P. Subject: What is this? Since you have a pretty big audience I thought one of them might be able to tell me what, exactly, is going on here: ravenscientific.com/wth/

I've watched it twice and I still have no fucking idea what I'm looking at. Jesus Christ that is some fucked up shit.

Must be Japanese for "You're the next contestant on suck the dick! Come on down!"

Fucking wacky. Sort of like Catfish Bush: All mouth and no brains.

From: Albacore Subject: axis of assholes El Guapo Juan, In response to the Captain's letter let me go on record as being the one viewer of your site that will vote Republican. I second the chill the fuck out sentiment. It is a good thing you offset your leftist, save the world with government, Michael Moore hand job commitee, liberal propaganda with Nikki Nova pics. I can filter through your drivvle with bikes, beer, and porn. Always know both sides of a topic. I appreciate the service you offer. Someone needs to be the 40 pound Wal-Mart bike to us custom steel singlespeeds.

So now I'm a 40 pound Wal-Mart bike?

Maybe not.

Ok, tell me three positives about Bush's Presidency. Three. List 'em out and email them to me. Three things he'd done right. Three things you're proud of. The top three reasons you'll be voting for him.

Because I'd really like to hear what you have to offer as the other side of the topic.

I'll be here waiting.

Two sides. Like a coin.

From: Bruce E. Subject: Q: How stupid does the DOJ think we are? A: Very. A Department of Justice database that details millions of the dollars spent on stateside lobbying activities by foreign governments, companies and foundations is so "fragile" that it cannot be copied. At least that's the explanation Justice has been peddling as an excuse for denying Freedom of Information Act requests to export the database's contents. But not to worry, says Justice -- anyone who wants access to the database can head over to the DOJ's Foreign Agent Registration Unit, fire up its Win '95 machine and, for 50 cents a page, print as many lobbyist records as they'd like. Said Bryan Sierra at the Department of Justice's Office of Public Affairs, presumably with a straight face: "The information itself still is very accessible. The basic mandate of the office is to provide information to the public." At 50 cents per page, if you can get to the Washington office... See publicintegrity.org/docs/FARA.pdf and publicintegrity.org/report.aspx?aid=332&%3bsid=100 And remember to fucking get off your ass and vote this November. Especially if you are in a "swing" state!

A very dirt, grubby little coin it is, eh?

Hey, look, vote however you want. Just get out and do it. I'm a bit sick of the fucking apathy.

And since I'm asking for reasons to vote for a mother fucker, I guess I can be expected to come up with the same.

From: James W. Subject: Well at least they are better off..... or are they? Hey DC, James from CA here, thanks for doing the good work day in and day out. I just saw this - realcities.com/mld/krwashington/9041465.htm - which may come in handy when talking to folks who claim that that Iraqi's are better off now than before we busted in and started blowin stuff up. I think you are wrong about the Nader thing by the way. I'm still looking for one single solitary reason (other than he aint bush) to vote for this Kerry character. You come up with one between now and the election and I'm on board. Over and out.

Ok, reasons to vote for Kerry.

1)  He ain't Bush. Shit. Can't use that one.
2)  Unlike Nader, Kerry can actually win the election.

Pretty stupid reason, but it's the best I can come up with in this coffee deprived state. I guess what I'm trying to say is that with Kerry we actually have a chance. With Nader, I feel we do not.

Adam writes in and says, "This will scare you." Click here to see what he's talking about.

Read the whole story here. And more here.