The 30 years are up, and the cat's out of the bag. Read it here.

And this news item just makes me want to run into the street screaming. Instead of that, I'll ride my bike in the snow. And equally insane, but somehow more rewarding endeavor.

A couple of wacky new sites to check out.

euro sex parties
we live together
first time auditions
wives in panty hose

Yeah, it's a good time.

"You have to remember something. Everybody pities the weak. Jealousy you have to earn."
  Arnold Schwarzenegger

No shit, Conan. Good looking out.

And how about this wacky stuff?

From: Dr Bike Subject: Help! Jon, I help me! I can't take it any more! my job my kids my house I need help. Put out the word any bike shop that may need an old wrench that can mount the Calfee and Install that keylock on them old 50 Schwinns I'm up for it. I am running way from home. I need to get back to the place I was before. anyway I hope all is well !

Domenic's Alumni across the county are laughing their asses off right now.

From: J Ed Subject: bike porn rawdataserver.com/dude/ or dc.pinkusart.com/sets/may/15/ and page through the pics numbered 1 - 15

Right on.

From: Mick Subject: 12 Hours of Greenman!! PARTY and Race!!!!! Hey Big J; Mick D. from Duluth, MN. here! Just wanted all the drunk cyclists around the country know about a great event that will be goin' on in D-town the weekend of July 16-18. It's the Greenman Music Festival and the 12 Hours of Greenman ( which has been deemed the 12 hour national championships ). If the kick-ass course and awesome view of Lake Superior aren't enough to keep you interested, how about music by Cracker and WILLIE NELSON!!?? That's right, that Willie Nelson. Nothin better than a little "Whiskey River" while you haul ass down some badass single track!! For more info you can link up at greenmanfestival.com. And for more info on Midwest races go to teamskihut.com. Hope y'all will consider it!! Promises to be a freakin' hoot!!

Shit fire! The 12 hour national championship and Willie Nelson? Sounds about as fucking cool as it gets.

And just when you thought that was all the kick ass events I had for ya, there's more.

From: Matt Subject: Aliens and Bikes Yo Jonny - Check out the Alien Run this year over in Aztec, NM, just across the AZ state line. We raced here last year and it was an absolute blast. Pretty cool shit, and it has NM's own slickrock section. aztecufo.com/bike/bike.htm Hope to see ya there!

The website is a little slim on info, but Matt assures me it's a kick ass time.

From: Simon Subject: dutch cycling Here is a link to the voyeurweb.com site to some Dutch cycling pics which may be of pleasure to viewers: ww3.voyeurweb.com/main/fsf04/

Saturday, February 28, 2004

chloe jones   I   dani   I   goo girls

First up, Het Volk cancelled.

Damn. I was looking forward to seeing some real suffering. Not this pansy shit I've been up to, but the real thing. Oh well, March will bring me more racing, and with April, the Classics. And I will be happy with that.

Bradley McGee - living it real.

It's still snowing to beat the band in northern Arizona this weekend. I went out and had myself a grand old time in it last night. Beer and downtown snowball fights can be one hell of a good time.

Especially when a cop car rolls up to find out why the Gnome and I are wrestling in the snow out side the bar. Turns out Gnomie was bored with throwing his bike around and decided to try some new wrestling moves on yours truly.

Mean little bastard. And then when bastards like Tony drill a well packed snowball straight in your grill when you're busy fighting off the lawn ornamentation, well, if you're me, you pretty much fall down right then and there.

Don't worry about me, I got mine.

I liked how when the cop got out to hassle anyone within earshot, some guys on the corner started chucking shit at the cop car. It was a nice touch, and really rounded the evening out for me.

Of course, this morning brought a headache of immense proportion. But, it was worth it.

From: Mike Subject: Thank you Hey, I'm a recently UN-retired Clydesdale racer and have been reading your site for a year now and I have to thank you, If not for your site I don't think I would have missed the days of sleeping next to the car with my buddies on the ground with just a cheap bag and no pad. I'm not as economically challenged as before but I can't wait to practice a mock 24 hour race we are doing in So. Cal, so we can order a heapin helping of pain to soothe our souls. The last 24 we did was the first Idylwild and boy did we pay for being so dumb. I wrenched and managed to keep 2 teams going, even with my friend destroying my bike with every lap (his was broken, What a wonder) and the freezing rain without my jacket because two guys forgot to bring any cold weather gear. I can't wait .......in the mean time thanks and fly low and avoid the radar.

Mike, I consider it an honor that you read and enjoy my site.

With Ash Wednesday in the books, Lent coming on strong and Mel Gibson pissing everyone off with his attempt to thank God for his substance abuse recovery in film version, we need to lighten up. More on Gibson's film here, here and here.

So, lets play dress up Jesus.

It's fun for the whole family.

And check this out: first time auditions.

Big Dave sent me two pics explaining once and for all, without any question, why Chinese students invariably test better in math then American Students.

I found it to be quite valuable. So much so, in fact, that all I can think about is drinking beer.

From: Brad Subject: human powered vehicles Might not be so great for the snowy parts, but imagine how beautiful the world could be if everyone had one of these.... greenspeed.com.au/dev.htm trisled.com.au/speedy.htm

I remember seeing a couple of the tandem recumbent trikes out in Iowa when I was riding Ragbrai. People haul ass on those things. And, it's more than a little unnerving to get caught up in a crowd of those things. They don't come up much about your top tube, they're long and if you touch wheel, you are going to eat shit and die.

So, I gave them a wide berth.

I'll tell ya, today was the first day I actually felt good since that damn 24 hour race. Two weeks. Wow. Now that's a slow recovery.

I slapped a fender on the cross bike and went for a ride today. In the snow. The weather was pretty fucked, but it wasn't so bad. I kept thinking, now this isn't anything like that 4:30 am lap down in Tucson. Now that was hard.

I piddled around in a couple of neighborhoods avoided heavily trafficked roads. I ended up running out of ideas and went out to the bottom of Snow Bowl road on Route 180. Turned around and went straight home.

My hands, feet, ears, etc. were friggin cold. I wish I had a picture of the bike, it was so covered with ice. Total ride time: One hour and fifteen minutes.

Damn. That's a lot of hurt in just over an hour.

I'll see what I can come up with tomorrow.

Friday, February 27, 2004

monique alexander   I   nikki nova   I   susana spears

I've completely wussed out and decided not to do the White Tanks race tomorrow. I still pretty worked from the 24 hour race, and I really don't feel like a couple of laps at full throttle.

I've decided to get drunk instead.

A fine plan if ever there was one.

From: Preston Subject: Irish dead bikes check out the atrocity over the big water. seanhillen.com/bikes1/bikesfrontpage1.htm sad

Damn. That's just mean, throwing a bike in the river to drown.

I guess they're in bike heaven now, right?

From: robert Subject: another game Jonny, here's another game to fulfill your intellectual masturbation needs. freeworldgroup.com/games/furious2/index.html

Fun game, and I totally suck at it. I'm sticking with throwing wadded up paper into trashcans.

Yeah, um, for sheezy.

And then you have this nightmare.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

avery adams   I   aria giovanni   I   first time auditions

Ralph, keepin' it real.

And you thought swinging for the fence with those damn penguins was fun? How 'bout just beaten 'em into pieces? My first swing, I hit 780 feet. Sure, most of Mr. Penguin didn't make it that far, but his head did. Oh, it's a good time.

From: Big Dave Subject: Mas o menos 100K report Hey dude, I hope rosie and her five sisters have fully recovered from your 24 hr solo excursion. Jen and I cruised some nice highways down to Terlingua, TX for the first and probably last Mas o Menos 100k. The entry fee on that thing was a whopping $160 for the two of us. We competed in the coed relay and had one other competing coed team. I believe there were about 7 teams total. There were 3 tandems and about 45 solo riders. Jen surprised everyone by coming in with the first relay male and 5th overall on the first lap. I almost caught the solo leader, but he ended up finishing about a minute ahead of me. The course was excellent. Lots of flat, fast, swoopy single track and then a tough climb about 1 1/2 hours into the race. There was plenty of room to camp and they had plenty of clean porta johns. We went home satisfied with a good training race under our belts, a small commemorative tile, and a t-shirt. The solo winners were supposed to get a little cash, but we're not sure because the race director said he needed 200 entrants to break even. With only about 50 total, I don't think he came close. I can't quite understand that with a $80 per head entry fee. Oh well. Waco is just around the corner. Damn. Already.

I thought that race sounded like a damn good time. Too bad it was right after the Old Pueblo, 'cause I'm about as wasted as I've ever been. I hope they do it again next year.

Speaking of upcoming kick ass events, check out the vision quest. It kicks off on March 6th. I've been talking with the Gnome about making it out for that one, as neither of us are going anywhere near the Tucson Bicycle Classic. I don't really feel like having every out of town big dick give me the business up and over Gates Pass all day long.

The TBC is dedicated to Garrett Lemire this year. And rightly so. It was a sad, sad day for cyclists everywhere. I'm sure many head will bow, prayers will be said and thoughts turn to his family as the race heads down Gates Pass road.

This year, there will be no cars on that portion of the road during the event. A decision I applaud. I'd like to see more road closures. Lets keep it safe for everyone.

Justin says this article, "is worth checking out."

I happen to agree with him.

Robert says, "This one doesn't need an intro." Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ass hat.

From: Mr. Completely Subject: I am free in Mexico, here I am a slave NEVADA MAN ARRESTED SOLELY FOR FAILURE TO PRODUCE IDENTIFICATION In May 2000 Dudley Hiibel, 59, was standing around minding his own business when a policeman pulled-up and demanded that Dudley produce his ID. Dudley, having done nothing wrong, declined. He was arrested and charged with "failure to cooperate" for refusing to show ID on demand. And it is all on video. On the 22nd of March 2004, the U.S. Supreme Court will decide whether Dudley and the rest of us live in a free society, or in a country where you must show "your papers" whenever a cop demands them.

That is some fucked up shit.

Mike calls this carnage.

From: Janet Subject: DC pic Hey - found this on MTBR. good pic of DC showing. forums.mtbr.com/showthread.php?t=6273

Word up. I'm bad, I'm nationwide. And I ain't even in those pics.

From: Gabe Subject: chick on bike Sometimes it's not so great to see chicks on bikes! strangecosmos.com/view.adp?picture_id=14593

Fuck it, I need a drink. I'm going to Pay n Take.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

anka   I   petra   I   jordan

I put together a gallery of pics from the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo last night. It's been a week and a half since my solo effort, and I'm not yet recovered fully. My dick got knocked so far in the dirt, I'm poking some Chinese broad in the sandals.

I thought it would be appropriate to start today off with a little tasteless humor.

From: Erik Subject: Fight the Power I wish someone had told me all this great stuff while I was in school! rise.f2o.org/schoolsurvival rise.f2o.org/schoolsurvival/kit/protesting/waste.php Motorama - the East's biggest trials comp just ended, and it was ROUGH! People 5'ing sections and throwing their bikes, and a lot of huge moves going on. Good stuff! I'll try to send a little video or pictures soon.

Five dabs in one section? Sounds like some tough stuff.

I could probably write a book on how to be a complete asshole in high school, if I could remember half the shit I did. I know I wasn't down with the whole scene, and I just didn't give a shit about any of the jackasses with the rich parents, fancy cars and stylish clothes. Fuck, my grades were straight shit, but I got out and went to college in a different state.

Works for me.

More on Pantani.

From: Milk Subject: Pantani… hi big jonny i never was a fan of Marco Pantani cause i never liked his style as a man and i never likes his way to keep in contact with the others riders. It's sad to talk about of a dead guy, but i always had the same idea of him since he was alive and i don't change it after his death. especially his kind of death. It's sad that a guy of 34 years feels so alone, feels so depressed but how many persons around us suffer more than him and are still alive and tryin' to make their lives better? Sorry for all the pantani fans but he didn't have style, and u can separate the man from the athlete: that's the truth! a man and the athlete are the same person. So many times he shown not so respect for the all bunch, i always feeled like he was the one, the only...in victory as in defeat. At my eyes he never shown to be a gentleman. In italy there is a lot of talking now about how the media and the "system" used him and then left him alone...as they are guilty of his death. Media in italy sucks...and a lot.. But everyone know that a lot of persons and friends try hard to help him and he refuses every type of helping. He was a weak while he was tryin to demonstrate again that i can do everything alone. Is not life...if u act so u act such a loser. As u can't win a race without a good team that works for u also in life u can't win without the strength and the courage to ask for help. Is reality. The pain remains for his real friends, for his family, only them know and feel that great pain of losing a beloved one, but i don't think that someone is guilty for is death. A lot of riders passed what he passed about doping (Frigo, Garzelli, Casagrande...) and they just admitted their mistake and start again to ride and live. I must repeat..i am very sorry for him, for his family, but he will never be a myth for me cause in life he never shown respect for life, for cycling and for the other riders. I know that i can appear cynic or maybe a little bastard, but i only believe that drugs don't work, never. Italy is a strange place and italian are strange too. cheers from an italy rider Simone

Good to hear from someone in Italy. What can I say? Sad business.

I've had a few friends who got hooked on drugs, but never from cycling. To my knowledge, anyway. Maybe it just serves to make a bad things worse. Like the guys who would have probably had problems without the cycling. Throw a needle happy doctor and tons of cash into the equation, and you've got major league trouble brewing.

From: Bikeboytad Subject: marco Hey Jonboy, Like you, I was an avid fan of old Elaphantino. I had never seen a soul dance on his pedals like Marco. In his prime, I watched in amazement as he made the toughest climbs look like flats. Guys like us ( 200 lb. + ) can only imagine how it must feel to coast over the Pyrenees or the Alps without blowing a nut. Dam he could ascend. Makes me wonder what kind of talent he really was. The Italian cycling fans need to look in the mirror & decide what a real cycling hero should be. Sounds like the pressure to win has pushed Italian cyclists to the needle other than good old fashioned hard miles. This weekend when I do my weekly jaunt up to the t.v. towers, I'll drop the hammer for the Pirate. My 23 tooth will be screaming for mercy by the time I summit. Ride on my friend & Great job on your solo singlespeed. That takes a pair of bowling balls.

Right on brother, give that 23 tooth the business.

It is something for us big ass mother fuckers to watch, isn't it? Riding up hill that fast always blows my mind. Well, we can always beat 'em senseless on the flats.

Sometimes.

Leave it to our dc missionaries south of the border to come up with this:

From: Mr Completely Subject: The ups and downs of doping. I was reading about those guys getting doped to race. I have been doing the same thing now for 3 months here some 1500 miles south of . I am by far the fastest rider in my town (about 700 people). Since a kilo of decent dope is about 800 pesos ($75 US), I have been doping heavily. My doped up exploits have become so great that my fame has spread to nearby towns and rumors have sprung up that I will get a real challenge. I have increased my usage and begun to include valium and Racilla (Racilla is an ancient spirit which has been traditionally crafted from 100% lehuguilla for generations) which lead to my getting kicked out of my trailer park and getting deserted by Pistol Pete with my .45 that he borrowed and some guy named Primo's wife. That bastard pissed on my tent and assured me that he had rubbed his nuts with great vigor on all of my remaining gear. I suppose the moral of the story is, dopin! g is inevitable, it's got its good points and a lot of bad points. Oh yeah and when doping don't black out near ol Pistol Pete. If anyone see that fucker at the Alleycay Race, buy him a beer and see if he's still got Primos wife, the guys pretty upset. I had to break into the local grade school to use the internet so I gotta bail......fucking 14.4 kbps is no good for downloading porn!!!!!!!!

Damn. Keepin' it real.

I like the part about, "That bastard pissed on my tent and assured me that he had rubbed his nuts with great vigor on all of my remaining gear."

Fucking outta sight.

Here's a great new game I've been fucking off trying to master. Anything besides what you're supposed to be doing, right?

And, Danny Boy, the game link is right here 'cause I know you miss the link half the time.

Just helping you out, buddy.

I'm sure I've just condemned you to a day of throwing paper in a computer generated trashcan. Good luck tearing yourself away from it buddy.

Flattery will get you everywhere around here.

From: Arcadio Subject: Chihuahua Races Jason Tullous sent me your way - he told me you were the man in AZ cycling. I was hoping you could help me promote this little event we're putting on down in Chihuahua - basically this event tries to capture the spirit of mountain biking before it became commercialized - fun, tough, raw, untamed & back to nature. If you haven't ridden in the Sierra Madres - its like you died & went to mountain bike heaven. To begin your at 8000 feet then you have literally thousands of miles of trails out your front door.

Hot damn, that souds like fun. Check out this flyer. You could win a bottle of Mexican moonshine. Or, a live chicken.

And, I have it on good authority that, "the moonshine up in the Sierra's is really interesting - it's customary to put a rattle snake in the bottle (no pussy worms like w/ Tequila)."

And who wouldn't want that?

This is the contact email for the race.

If it wasn't for my man Dru getting hitched up the same weekend, I'd be planning on this one.

Hot damn.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

jenna jameson   I   lesbians rule   I   stuff

Ah, another day, another dollar. And then some.

Nader threw his hat in the ring for reasons I cannot understand. Yep, Ralph Nader is running for President again.

What was it last time? If he got enough of the vote, the Green Party would be eligible for Federal funding in future elections?

Whatever. Look what it got them.

A Right Wing Wacko with a brutal environmental record who pissed away a national surplus as fast as he could. Great. And I'm not the only one saying it, tons of folks are coming out against Nader.

People who supported him last time out are begging hm not to muck it up this time.

It's kinda sad really. The guy has nothing to gain and everything to lose. In fact, when he splits the ticket again, we all lose.

From the NY Times: nytimes.com/2004/02/23/opinion/23MON1.html?8bl.

"Four years ago, when people told Ralph Nader that his Green Party candidacy might split the Democratic vote and elect George W. Bush president, Mr. Nader said Al Gore and Mr. Bush were so much alike that it didn't really matter who won. The worst that could happen, he sometimes added, was that Mr. Bush would turn out to be far more conservative than expected. That would then mobilize Democrats and create a healthy new sense of urgency about progressive issues."

Well, how about that? Bush did turn out to be far more conservative than expected.

Actually, that may not be true. He is definitely farther right than any of us expected, but when it comes to expanding government and spending money like it's going out of style, he's not all that in line with conservative thought. In fact, he's a loose canon who did things his right wing support never expected.

And then today Bush came out in favor of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Trying to look like a Compassionate Conservative, I'm sure. Smooth move buddy. Now you've even managed to loose the support of Andrew Sullivan.

And I thought that would never happen in a million years.

From: Jack Subject: shanghai bikes shanghied news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3513119.stm That's an unhappy picture. Talk about copying our bad transportation examples. Lets replace 9 million bikes with 9 million cars and think the about traffic congestion.

What kind of wacky irony is at work when alternative transportation folks all over the place point to the Chinese and what they've accomplished without the automobile, and all they want to do is be more like us.

And now that a gallon of regular unleaded will be about two bucks by this summer, we really should be thinking about alternative transportation.

I'm confident our Presidents answers will be buy more Hummers and drill in Alaska.

Kind of a "have your cake and eat it too" type thing.

How fucked up is that?

From: Steve Subject: For Immediate Release: La Vuelta de Bisbee The 26th La Vuelta de Bisbee expects sell-out field despite competition from the Tour of Georgia. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE BISBEE, ARIZ - The three-day, four-stage, La Vuelta de Bisbee (LVDB) road race, expects a sold-out elite men's field for this year's event despite the fact that it competes for attention with the relatively new and still-forming Tour of Georgia. The optimism comes from race organizer Albert Hopper's experience in 2003. "In it's first year, the Tour of Georgia was scheduled on top of our race," he says. "But we offer something completely different to the elite men and women who chose to race here instead. So we have a 26-year history, a fantastic and challenging venue and are much more economically attractive to racers, we ended up selling out the men's field in 2003. And we expect to do it again." A USA Cycling National Race Calendar event, LVDB has been hosted by this small, Southeastern Arizona community for 26 years. With a population of about 10,000, Bisbee sits at 5,500 feet and is about 100 miles Southeast of Tucson, Arizona. Unlike its more notorious western-frontier-town neighbor, Tombstone, Bisbee has a relatively tame history as a copper-ore mining camp. Most of the mining operations shut down in the 70's though and the almost thousand-foot deep open-pit mines have since become tourist attractions. And once the mining community moved out of Bisbee, artists, hippies, and retirees transformed the town into what it is today; a quirky destination for historical tourism and art. A community into which cycling seems to be readily accepted judging by the effort put forth by local promoters to put on a nationally-sanctioned stage road race in such a small town. The terrain that made Bisbee Queen of the Copper Camps, is a perfect challenge for cyclists. Nestled in a cluster of high-desert mountain ranges, rural highways both lace through mountainous desert canyons and slope down and away from town allowing event promoters several race course choices. Two of the four stages, of course, include the brutal climb up Mule Pass. These roads were even distinctive enough to attract the 1980 U.S. national championships. A prominent national race since the eighties, LVDB boasts past winners such as Greg Lemond (who won as a 16-year old in 1978), Bob Cooke (1977, 79), Alexi Grewal (1992), Scott Moninger and Jeannie Longo (2002) and most recently, Drew Miller and Manon Jutras (2003). And although some top-level professional road teams will divert their brand-name athletes to Georgia, LVDB provides an excellent, affordable, alternative forum for national-caliber cyclists to contest valuable NRC series points (LVDB is rated with a NRC value of 2.6). "We get a lot of young riders," says Hopper. "19 to 23-year-olds. For me, If LVDB gives them a chance to shine, I'll be happy." LVDB's location is also attractive for racers making an early-season, West Coast swing. It is wedged both on the calendar and on the map between the Sea Otter and Redlands Bicycle Classics (held west of and in the weeks before LVDB), and the Tour of the Gila (one week later and a 2 ½-hour drive east n Silver City, New Mexico). Average climate for Bisbee in late April means racers usually receive a dry and warm welcome (70's, low 80's) in Arizona. This, coupled with rolling enclosures provided by local Sheriff's, officiating by a full USA Cycling crew, professional timing and scoring and scores of dedicated local volunteers, and LVDB is the race of choice in late April for NRC points. The Stages: LVDB opens with a punishing time trial that gains 837 feet of elevation in just 2.8 miles. The three stages that follow will test competitors climbing, sprinting, and time-trialing skills. If this race has not sorted itself by Sunday, the final stage features an extended uphill finish that should leave all questions of who are the toughest racers answered. The field is divided into three elite categories. The A race is comprised of professional Senior and amateur Category 1 and 2 men, the B race is for Masters men and the C race is for Senior and Master women of all categories. Prologue -- Friday April 23rd - the Mule Pass Individual Time Trial climbs straight up Tombstone pass. Course records for the prologue are: -- Men: 9:18 by Malcom Elliot in 1993 -- Women: 10:33 by Leslie Schenk in 1987 -- Master Men: 11:22 by Mark Weideman in 2001 Stage 1 -- Saturday April 24th - in the Sulpher Springs Road Race, riders are tested on the rolling rural highways around Bisbee. The A men complete a two-lap circuit that includes 2,300 feet of total climbing over 79.3 miles. The women and B men race one of the circuits. Stage 2 -- Saturday April 24th - the Warren Time Trial, named for a city founder, tests the riders for a second time on Saturday over10.6 miles. Course Record for the Warren Time Trial Course: -- Men: 19:11 by Chris Wherry in 2002 -- Women: 23:02 by Marianne Berglund in 1994 -- Master Men: 21:35 by Mark Weideman in 2001 Stage 3 -- Sunday, April 25th - Tombstone Road Race - Starting and finishing in downtown Bisbee, Sunday's 65 (A men) and 59 (women and B men) mile road race promises to settle any tension and drama built over the weekend. The race gains more than 5,000 feet and finishes with a 5 mile, 6% grade uphill climb. Most LVDB's are settled on the final climb of the final stage. In all, the elite male field will compete over 156 miles and climb more than 8,800 feet. For complete schedule, event information, host-housing requests and registration information, visit the LVDB Web site at www.lavueltadebisbee.us

Good times.

One more and I'm out.

From: Scott Subject: What's up!!! Big Jonny! What's up! Site's as crazy as ever man! I am sending people there everyday. I attached a photo of Kurt's bachelor party. He was passed out by 12! He puked all over this one bar. Then we were going to the titty bar. He ended up puking all over the bathroom and got kicked out! So we threw him in the Verge Sport Van and proceeded to party with the bitches! Don't worry about Kurt we kept the heat on. Ass you can see every few minutes Mr. Fox gave him some hot air to warm this poor bachelor up. Jonny if you can post this with a pick that would be awesome! Let me know what you think.

You want to know what I think? I think its fucking hilarious. Click here for the pic.

Monday, February 23, 2004

shelby   I   britney foster   I   terri summers

Back from a whirlwind tour of the greater Boise area. Damn good times up there, and I might add, far better weather than we're currently experiencing in Flagstaff.

Yee haa.

Boise, unlike my little podunk redneck town, has some decent graffiti about town. I always find further evidence of our decline as a culture comforting. Ride the wave baby, ride the wave.

Case in point: While I was down checking out the latest and greatest at the Boise art museum on Sunday I came across a bunch of Christian Conservatives holding a candle vigil at a four foot granite rendering of the Ten Commandments. Seems the City has decided to remove it from a City park, well, because some assholes thought if the City allowed one religious monument it would allow another

So, the folks who donated the Ten Commandments said they would rather have it removed from the park rather than leave it and let it open the door hate. Try telling that to the bozo with the megaphone. He ain't hearing it. To him, this is the front line of the Liberal Attack on Christ in America.

Fred Phelps. A preacher, man of the cloth, a hate monger.

I felt the urge to urinate on him.

He's the one who led protests against homosexuality outside the hospital Matthew Shepard lay dying in a coma inside.

Fred Phelps also thought it would be a nice touching moment to erect a monument for Matthew Shepard, in his home town Casper, Wyoming.

And when the people of Casper, of course, wanted nothing to do this his twisted monument, Phelps said he would buy land to erect it upon.

It's amazing what one feels when so you're standing that close to a guy like that. I wanted to smash this man to the ground.

Fuck him.

Check out the Suburban Choppers Urban Legion. Word up.

This is what it's like to be a Philly sports fan.

Yeah, it sucks ass.

From: Jason Subject: check out this site from Tucson Just moved to tucson, was sitting watching public access and saw this show it was so bad i couldn't stop watching this guy is in line with the icy hot stuntas check out all of the photoshopped albums and download some of the music i think you will be glad you moved away(there are some naked strippers there) hlockjawstudio.com

Oh damn.

From: Chris Subject: New team - Cow Town Cycling Team Cow Town Cycling Team 2004 Cow Town Cycling Team is proud to announce its 2004 team roster. Based in Kansas City, MO, the team will field both road and mountain bike teams for 2004. Members will compete in regional road and mountain bike races, and select multi-sport and adventure races. Along with a full racing season, Cow Town will also promote area events, bike rodeos for youth riders and sponsor a junior cycling team. More information can be found on the team website: www.cowtowncycling.com Cow Town Cycling Team includes: Damian Almanza Gerard Arantowics Tim Armitage Brian Bass Mike Classen David Duerr Gina Dunlop Ryan Hollaran Carolynn Locke Chris Locke Christopher Locke Jud Milham Ashley Noll Ed Noll John Oberrieder Jacob Oyen David Pitt Jacob Pitt Rob Prevost Jason Schupp Josh Taylor Mike Taylor Mike Turner Ryan Turner Dave Wathen Tim Whitmore Cow Town Cycling Team would like to thank the following sponsors: Abici Bicycle Company, CrossLogic, Go Fast Sports, Peak Bar, Kelso's Northtown, Landscape Architects Design Group, Maxxis Tires, Multisport Marketing, Sun Ringle' Racing Components, The Wheel Cyclery and Verge Sports

One more and I'm out.

Friday, February 20, 2004

susana spears   I   meriah nelson   I   lesbians rule

I leave for Idaho in a few short hours. The buzz on the net for the last few days has been the latest release of more Paris Hilton sex video action. From what I've seen, the girl has all the moves of a box of hammers.

Sad really. No game at all.

I'm loading and I'm just going to keep the Pantani thing rolling. 'Cause I don't know what else I can do.

From: Christopher Subject: Pantani My thought is a bit clearer now that I have had time to digest this tragic loss of life in sport. Sure we have to rid the sport of dope. That is the consensus universal opinion of athletes, fans and the powers involved. However, allow me to suggest that the efforts have been, to this point, only reactionary pains. Moreover they aim at the wrong target. Manuela Ronchi, Marco's former manager, has made a significant point for all to witness. In reading Pantani's personal note against the cycling authorities and the manner in which they vilified Marco as a person and an athlete in the eulogy, he shifts blame of the cheating and doping back to where it should begin: the process of the professional sport itself. We can not continue to attack the 'person' in a game driven by bureaucratic organization, high dollar corporate sponsorship and huge individual contracts where the players exist in a world of haves and have nots separated by mere seconds. We have wasted time attacking the person when the problem is the process itself. The net result now is that we have only hurt friends fans and families and team mates. The tragedy here to me is that the powers that be (UCI, Team Sponsors, Local Government officials…) chose to publicly slander and prosecute a person, an athlete, a son, a team mate…..to what avail? Personal or corporate gain and to dodge blame. The problem still exists in the sport after all the myopic efforts to eradicate it. We still have a doping crisis; we still had a doping crisis when Pantani was alive. Why? Because the sport itself and the sponsors involved refuse to accept any blame in a system that survives on success and success alone. Team failure in a season equates to wasted advertising dollars. Of course the blind eye exists at that level. And of course some athletes will do what ever it takes to secure the contract and a win. So why just blame the end user? Because it is easy and it sheds the blame from within. If I hear one so-called statesman stand up and say " let this be a lesson to the youth of future generations…." BS I will applaud only if they do so in the name of professional sports and the money machines backing them. Let's hope that if any good can be learned from Marco's death it is that everybody involved stand up and acknowledge the crisis and accept part of the blame and truly eradicate a problem not a person as we bear witness today with the burial of one of the great competitive personalities ever in any sport. Viva Il Pirata, Marco Pantani 1970 - 2004 Athlete, teammate, son, friend and in the end a person.

Word, I'm feeling it like Bobby Digital.

And check the response. This was actually two separate emails, but I stuck them together. Now it's two paragraphs. Should be easy enough to figure out.

From: Kevin Subject: That's bull. The riders ultimately decide to inject shit in their veins. Cop out. I was an impressionable 21 year old racing in Europe, and my experience there left me with a very strong opinion on this matter. Yea those guy's are fast, but they're also drug addicts. The normal hemocratic level is 40 something, those guys put their hands in the air after winning with a 55/60 level, sometimes more. Where's the glory in that. The same shit is happening hear now. Try racing and training all while working full time, taking care of kids, honey dues and your 10 month old who sleeps 3 hours a night because he's teething. Get a good result then, and you've got something to be proud of. Prisons are full of drug addicts who have rationalized the shit our of their lives, but the truth remains, they made a decision. Good or bad, they made one. Pantani was a great athlete before the drugs, he should have remained that way. Any director who say's he's a victim sucks way to much pole. I hope you don't mind me sharing my opinion. You know I'm not the shy type. I'll call you. I left for Europe after doing pretty well at a national level here. I got there, and got spanked regularly. I left my girl friend a good job, everything to race in Spain. I was not successful, and when I got back, I fell into deep depression for a few years. That shit is real. It takes the life out of you. I do recognize that. However, when I was able, I made a decision not to take drugs that would make me faster. We had a Belgian manager we affectionately referred to as frenchie. He would hand out the medication. Most of the other riders took it. I didn't make it on the stage race team once because of my stance on drugs. One of my team mates Bo Hamburger later got busted, and then was cleared for a high hematicrit level. You decide. I'm sad for Pantani's family and friends. It sucks. Smoke weed, don't stick needles in your ass.

I don't even know what to say.

I known a few guy who went across the pond to race, came back and said, damn, it's all fucked up over there. Way too hardcore. I'm a stateside loser myself, worked for a few small teams, been around a few guys, but I've heard some stories.

I think I have a pretty good idea what's going on out there.

It doesn't bother me really. It is what it is. You don't ride like that without a little help. I think most of us understand that.

The thing about Marco Pantani, for me, is that he had accomplished so much, and then fell so far. We've all had friends that have imploded, at least I have. I have a buddy from high school who spent a couple of years living in a car, hooked on the junk. He gave up everything for it, his relationship with his family, his friends, everything. Living in a car and shooting smack was better.

Fucked up, huh?

I know how crazy shit can get, and how fast it can happen. It always tugs at me when someone falls apart like that. You'd think a guy who raced and won like Pantani would be set for life. Sit back and watch your children grow up and shit. Stuff like that.

But, no. Not for him. For Pantani it was prescription drugs and getting coked up by yourself.

Kinda like Chris Farley.

I don't know the answers. Life, as I know it, pretty much sucks. Every day is more bullshit. Never enough money, always too many bills. Forget keeping up with the Jones's, I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

I don't know what life is all about. I just know I like bikes.

Good night.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

tera patrick   I   lesbians rule   I   for sheezy

After a went back and read my race report on the two four I realized I didn't mention the kick ass shower pass jacket that kept me, your loyal scribe, warm and toasty through the night. I can recommend their product as one that is well made and functional.

Great clothes to die in. Just like I did.

You can be just like me.

One mans remembrance of a two four:

From: Wonder Weasel Subject: 24 hrs of Moab- fuck me in the ass Shit me, Did I get sodomized in the 24hrs of Moab or what. We (squeaky rhino riot - duo pro/expert) finished fuckin mid pack in what had to be one of my worst performances yet. What happens when you take a poor Canadian sap down to the desert? He gets fuckin' heat stroke, that's what. After my first lap all liquids went through me like as faster than a fat kid can eat a cheese burger. Shit me, or rather I was shitting water between laps. Miso soup got me a bit back on track, but wow does dehydration thing knock you down a couple pegs. Not to mention the resulting leg cramps. There were so bad I couldn't walk, all I could do was ride. Actually I couldn't even coast because they would cramp when extended. What about stretching inbetween laps? No go, as some other muscle would instantly cramp when I did that, but on a bright note the cramping was symmetrical. Holy was I in a bad way. I have never in my life felt so fucked up, even when doing Ironman. Hell, not only did I want to quit the race, but I wanted to quit racing entirely... wow that's kinda cool. I got back on track a bit around 3 am, did I mention I had to triple up in the night because my partner fucked her calve muscle. This whole thing was about survival for me, it felt like a frickin' miracle that I could turn the cranks. And the funny thing is that Its totally my fault too. We went out partying at the Chili pepper bike shop prior to the race. They had REAL beer, none of that crappy 3.2% water you usually get in UT. I think that is where I went wrong, should have stuck to the UT beer like previous years. Oh well, you live and learn, and this year I learned I was not as nearly indestructible as I once thought I was. Damn! And as for the mystery girl I did the race with. She was cool, it not a little intense to say the least. This year you had to swipe these cards as you logged in. You hand the baton, swip out the lap, next person swips in and gets the baton. Ana nearly strangled me 3 times by grabbing the lanyard my card was on and pulling it over to the place you swipe in, while I was trying to hand over the baton. Wow chill a little. Then she royally fucked her calve muscle and as a result I went and pulled 3 laps in a row while trying to recover from my earlier bought of diarrhea and cramps (not to mention one of these fuckers was an insane 2.5hr hell night lap where I had every technical difficulty known to man). After that shit she had said should would try and double up afterwards, so I took a nap. Then she comes into camp yelling at me after one lap. Why wasn't I there to relieve her. Fuck I thought she was doin' two laps. Oh well so I start to get changed but I am not quick enough so she goes off on the second one. Wow, ok. Good thing too, by then I was in no condition to go out again. I could have done it if the win was on the line, but it sure as shit wasn't. And honestly, I had 7 more days of fun riding after this race. No reason to kill myself to move up from 13th to 12th. Ah, but then again maybe I am just a lazy Canadian. So am I whining about this? Your damn right. So would I do it all again? Your damn right, where do I sign? And Jonny, good luck on your solo... hahahaha

The discerning reader will be able to tell by that last line I received this email before the Old Pueblo race. But, I was busy and I didn't get it online till now.

I have an annoying habit of losing and misplacing emails.

Oh well.

Today's awful joke:

From: Alex Subject: Joke for your collection Coma recovery A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened, to which the man replied, "She choked."

Ha ha, weee.

Ah, damn. I'm Ok.

One two and it don't stop.

From: Heff Subject: It's another mp3 dude www.cortosis.co.uk/content/downloads.htm You'll want to listen to blind, if the recording is any good. the others are pretty sweet too... this is the same band I sent you... links for fucken ages ago. they rock. go. listen. link. and do me and them a favour, flag us up a link to their EP; www.cortosis.co.uk/content/iou.htm anything to help my guys along, you know? In other news, weather here is fucken freezin and wet and shitty, and I got rubberrot on my back tire. great. new rims, new tyres. this bike is fucken cursed. cursed. sweet. I'll rename it "cursed". which is kinda apt considering how many times Ive nearly died on the fuck. anyway, I got babes to antagonize. you know how it goes.

Yes, I know exactly how it goes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

jessica   I   jenna jameson   I   lesbians rule

Long live the The Pirate.

Just to show my life is back to normal, I come home from work and my dog has taken a huge dump in the front room. Oh great. Some harsh words and a prompt trip to that back yard for that little lassie.

I get the shovel, the paper towels, the brush, the simple green. I'm on my hands and knees cursing the day I ever met that stupid mutt.

Floor clean, I take out the trash, hose off the shovel and so forth. Time to get little miss bitch from time out.

She is no longer in the back yard.

That little bitch. She went right over the fence and is having a night on the town while I'm cleaning up her shit. Great. Fuck you too, baby.

So now I'm walking around the neighborhood. I don't know why I even bother. All the other times she's run away, I don't think I've ever found her. She either comes back, someone else finds her and calls, or she ends up in dog jail somewhere.

Great. Have I mentioned how exciting I find all of this? How happy it makes me?

I come back from a fruitless tour of the local alleyways and back yards to the Veterinarian calling on the phone. Some cat named Noah found Ms. Thang about a half mile from here and heading north.

Jesus, where was she going?

Anywhere but here, probably.

Homeboy wheels her over in his truck and I give him the last beers in the fridge for his trouble.

He tells me, "With a name like Cheeba I was expecting something else."

Great. Well, enjoy my last two beers buddy.

Fucking dog. Man's best friend, my ass.

From: Tall Todd Subject: News from America Bikes Last night, the Senate passed S. 1072, the successor to TEA-21 by a vote of 76 to 21. Our bike stuff fared well. Existing programs such as Enhancements, Rec Trails, CMAQ, etc continue. Safe Routes to School is funded at $70 million a year. Debate on the bill centered around the $318 billion price tag. Fiscal conservatives complained that the bill's spending was not in line with the 2004 budget, and that the funding package was laced with credits, offsets and other "funny money." But other Senators, eager to send "jobs, jobs, jobs" back to their states, overrode those objections to pass the bill. Senators also chose to overlook President Bush's threat to veto the bill which calls for $62 billion more than the President's proposal. HIGHLIGHTS of the bill: * Safe Routes is funded at $70 million per year. * Enhancements is slated to receive $4.79 billion over the next six years, up from $3.33 billion under TEA-21. * Rec Trails will receive $360 million over six years, up from $270 million under TEA-21 * A new Alternative Transportation in National Parks Program, funded at $25 million a year, includes bike/ped projects in the eligible activities. * Bicyclists and pedestrians have been added to the list of "interested parties" invited to comment on transportation plans (both TIPs and Statewide Plans). * funding for a bicycle and pedestrian information center is included. a more detailed funding chart is at www.americabikes.org/transportationbill_fundingchart.asp ONE OTHER AMENDMENT: * In last minute amendments, language was added to Enhancements which reads "Among the bicycle and pedestrian facility enhancement projects under consideration, the Secretary shall urge that a priority be given to those pedestrian and bicycle facility projects that include a coordinated physical or healthy lifestyle program." This language was introduced by Senator Harkin (D-IA) who said "possible examples of such efforts might include an exercise course on the side of a trail." WHAT'S NEXT: The Transportation & Infrastructure Committee of the House of Representatives is scheduled to consider their bill H.R. 3550 "TEA-LU" the first week in March. Then the House bill will go to the full House of Representatives for a vote. Then the two bills will go to a conference committee to work out the differences. Given the circumstances, we are pleased with the outcome in the Senate. It's not revolutionary, but it could have been much, much worse. Many thanks for your assistance. As always, we'll keep you posted. If you don't receive these updates directly, "join the team" at americabikes.org. Thanks and have a good weekend.

I'd say that's good news.

Check this shit out. Fuck Starbucks. Word.

Anyone else down with a human powered bus? I mean, besides me and my man Hurl?

I actually got on the rollers tonight. I had to spin out the legs. I wore my Mercatone Uno socks (only because I don't own a jersey) and watched the final time trail of the '98 Tour on video.

It was an emotional half hour.

I was glad to have finished my first solo attempt at a 24 hour race. It made the pain in my legs tolerable. I was proud of Bobby Julich, the first American since Greg Lemond to finish on the podium in Paris. I was stoked to watch Jan Ullrich tear shit up like the beast that he is, averaging, I think, 31 miles per hour and just crushing everyone.

And I was awed to watch Pantani in that magical year of 1998. It may be a long time before we see another Giro/Tour double. What an incredible achievement.

I was saddened to think that as I was out in the desert alone, digging deep to finish the Old Pueblo, halfway around the world, one of my heroes was also alone, and losing hope.

Damnit Marco, I made it. Why couldn't you?

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

aria giovanni   I   sandra   I   it's like a trainwreck

Today is Tuesday?

Really?

Feels like Thursday.

I'm still a wreck. Just destroyed. All the contact points, feet, hands and ass are pretty well fucked. I have to shuffle along as I walk, my crotch is a wound and my hands are a sampling of what arthritis is going to be like later in life.

I can still type, thank god.

At one point late Saturday night during the race, as the handle bars were vibrating out of my numbed out hands, I realized I had broken my girlfriends. A sad moment to be sure.

Of course I should mention the neck and back discomfort one feels after such an event. But, I'm beginning to bore myself detailing my ailments. I mean, who cares? It was hard, no shit. It's ride around in circles for 24 hours until you no longer can. It's supposed to hurt.

Check out homeboy. You think he knows how to suffer? Yeah, he knows about the pain cave.

Ok, enough about pain, caves and the state of my crotch. Lets talk about women.

There was a little foresome of sweethearts this yead, and they called themselves The Girls of Drunkcyclist. They gave it hell and came in 8th. Great job, ladies, I'm stoked. You girls rock.

What an event. I'll tell ya, epic rides throws down like no other. I've done this race the last four years now, and I can't see missing it.

I would recommend it whole heartedly.

One of my favorite lines from the race, late a night while I was out throttling myself somewhere on the course, Gnomie was sitting 'round the campfire kinda staring off into space. Big not-really-gay Randy asks him, dude, you ok, need anything?

Gnome says, "I'm having a dark personal moment" and leaves for another lap.

The guy is a fucking tank. Fucker was a lap up on me before 11:00 pm. There was a mistake at the awards, which has since been straightened out. Gnome got second, not third. He took it home for the squad, and, and I say, he had a couple of flats and a broken frame to content with.

Now, a flat doesn't sound all that bad, until I explain it in more detail. The luck of the Gnome goes like this: Get a flat, change it, new tube flats immediately. Run back to the start/finish, oh, say a mile in the dark, get another tube or two. Run back, fix bike, get going, flat again later on the same lap.

Can you image how much that would drive you friggin nuts? I probably would have disemboweled myself on the spot. As it was I was trying my damnedest to do just that with a bike seat.

A pissed off Gnome is a scary, scary thing. Trust me on this. He just starts pounding it. And, look the fuck out when that happens. That's when he passed me. We exchanged greetings, not so much on the conversation really, kinda like, hey, how ya doin', and he rode off into the night.

As a rule, I can barely hold his wheel. And when you add ten hours on the saddle, pushing a 32 - 18 compared to his 36 - 18, it's a foregone conclusion. Wave goodbye as Gnomie climbs off into the night.

I knew at the moment he was not only going to finish, but finish well. Head down, charging into the gloom, he's the Mike Alstott of Arizona bike racing.

I've supported him in another solo attempt up in Moab and a couple of other races. And I've ridden enough other bullshit with him to know what I'm seeing. He was in the zone, baby.

I need me some of that.

I'm not complaining. I'm stoked to get a top ten on my first attempt at solo. Sure, I took some long ass breaks towards the end, but it was all about survival at that point.

The first six hours mean a sum total of dick. 'Cept you get to change your clothes and eat something resembling dinner in a bottle round about sixish. Then, it's on to midnight. Get to midnight. Stay hydrated. Don't bonk.

Two in the morning: Coffee. Keep moving, keep warm and aim for dawn.

When the sun finally came up, I was shuffling along, walking up a climb. Yes, walking. I was deep in the pain cave. My lower back felt like hell. The pain, when it hit, took the breath out of me. That is the one thing I will really have to work on when I do this again.

Sick. I'm already talking like I'm doing it again. Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway, the sky is warming, the stars are fading, and I'm walking. I stop to face the sun, and she's not yet over the mountains. But, I can see down the valley and the acres and acres of cactus in front of me spread out forever are waving back and forth like a field of wheat in the wind.

Cool. I'm tripping.

I am so fucked. Right then I knew. Get back to camp, get some food in me, and crack a mother fucking beer.

That's right. Beer. Tell all your troubles to those great golden bubbles…

It was one of the finest beers I have ever tasted in my life. I enjoyed it immensely. I changed clothes, got a few bottles of mix in my gullet, and went back out.

What a difference. Now I had my head on straight. I no longer cared what lap I was on, or how much it hurt. I was going to finish this mother fucker. And that is all that mattered.

I'd like to thank everyone who helped make this happen. Todd Sadow at Epic Rides for putting together one of the best events of the year. All my boys for helping with the support and comic relief: Big Gay Randy, Jackass Justin, Nik the Dick, Angry Hippy, Gitty, Terry, E.K., Jon, and anyone I might have forgotten.

Tall Paul for the Cliff bars and shots. They were absolute lifesavers. The guys at niterider for making the most kick ass light systems I've ever used. All the guys and girls at Kona bikes for making sweet riding single speeds, super comfy shorts and gloves. And Toshi at Bell.

Did I ever mention Nik is a dick?

From: Nik Subject: what up money? Jonny what about your awesome crew and your absolutely beautiful , and all around awesome girls team...No Props?...What with that...I guess your gay lover died so that took precedence...Good job this weekend..And for me give some killer props to your girls..they also did great

Props given all around. You wanker.

And now some more on Pantani.

From: Tom Subject: Eddy O'Rourke I read the piece that Eddy wrote about Marco and the hair stood up on the back of my neck. He put into words how I've felt since this morning. I'm one of Eddy's customers, and I'd feel honored if he considered me a friend. You couldn't hope to meet a nicer guy, and it's people like him and shops like his that help our sport keep its soul. Keep up the good work. Tom Pawtucket, RI PS - Eddy's shop is Velocite, Seekonk, MA (508.336.3397) . I buy what I can from him, and any of us who might be close by should do the same.

I agree. That's the type of shop you want to keep around. Good guys like that aren't as common as they should be. And it's a shame.

Point, and counter point, more or less. Keep turning circles my friends. In the end, it may be all that matters.

Even though Casey starts out with a you-don't-need-to-post-this disclaimer, I think you'll agree it quickly becomes the type of email you just need to share.

And, those point the Buick north and start swilling beer runs were some good times, my friend.

From: Casey Subject: Can I get a little table dance? So I just want to chat with you, buddy. Not like, "Lemme write Jonny a letter and get a real gas outta him putting it on his web page." More like, "If I were on the way to Flag on a Wednesday night with a suitcase of Busch, some spray paint, some bikes, and a wool Nogales Blankie in his blue Park Ave., what would we be talking about?" We'd talk about Pantani, of course. We'd hammer down Busch, until we stopped for another sack of 'em at Cortez Canyon. We'd be like, "Fuck, dude, I don't wanna be famous. I wanna camp in the dirt, wake up hungover, dig my bike outta empties and go for a fuckin ride. I wanna be the Pantani to your fat-ass Ulrich all the way up to Snow Bowl, or Elden, or whatever 'I used to live here' ride you decide to take me on." Yup, that's what I'd be like. And on the way outta the Verde Valley at 1:30 a.m. on a Thursday morning, we would actually be saying something like, "Fuck. I'll take $8 an hour, a shitty bike, no sponsor, an understanding woman, and a bag of 'brown frown' ANYDAY over the cranial barometric pressure of the European media, ignorant Catholic grudges, and ever-fucked expectations of the UCI." Drugs, doping, whatever. I really could not give a shit what those fuckers put in themselves. I will not cry for him. It's all spawned by a jackass motive anyway. They steal from the sport what I love the most. The cramps, the struggle, the sweat, the occasional triumph over mechanical failure - the ride. Take look at guys like Dave, Jake, or even The Wolf. Do they dope? Fuck no. Do they kick ass? Fuck Yes. Why? Because they like to. If one of them were to put the time and heart (even money) into, say Med School, as they did cycling, they would be far more wealthy, far more quickly. The Pirate fell short. He amongst others fell short of our expectations as cyclists first by taking the fucking dope. "Ill Pee-RAH-tay" then fell short of our expectations as a human by refusing to deal with the cards life dealt him. Don't blame the media, don't blame the UCI, don't blame the Italians, The Catholics or Lance. Blame Marco. He'd be just fine if he woulda taken a few rides from Tempe to Flag in the Blue Bomber with the boys, shitty bikes, a suitcase of Busch, and an actual love for making circles, making circles, making circles. I love you man. Don't get caught up in the drama. Just keep riding the way you do, and don't stop loving the fucking circle. Great Job in the Pueblo. I'm drinking for you.

Right on.

Monday, February 16, 2004

alexus   I   aliya   I   girl and her bike

The Old Pueblo is in the books.

I had a good ride and came in 7th the solo single speed class. I'm happy with it. I probably could have gotten in another lap if I wasn't such a pussy at seven thirty in the morning when I got off the bike, drank a beer and took a completely awful dump in a murder scene potta potty.

Climbing into a rented plastic shit box after 18 hours of bike riding is never fun, and when it has apparently seen some action as this one had, you're in for a real treat.

Not as bad as the blue water splash back episode on Mt. Lemon, but a strong second.

The Gnome got third. He was in the lead, and I think would have won it. But, wouldn't you know it, he cracked his bike frame and had to ride a borrowed bike a size to big for a couple of laps at the end of the race. Of course, switching someone else's bike around and trying to get rolling again will totally screw your rhythm.

The dude just kicks ass. He lapped me at ten at night. I couldn't believe it.

Let's just say I got passed a lot.

663 emails. A quick run down for virus bombs and I'm cut it down to a manageable size. 663 and three quarters of them are bullshit. What's up with that shit?

Pantani is the topic of choice. There must be a dozen emails about him. What's up with that shit?

I read a few emails and start getting a picture in my head. And I don't like it one bit.

Marco Pantani is dead.

This is horrible news. Just terrible. I feel sickened by the news. Marco Pantani was a hero to me. His riding was incredible to watch. What a climber he was.

I had to back up and change the tense of those sentences. Was, not is. Past, not present. I can't believe I'm writing in past tense about Marco Pantani…

This is really taking the wind out of my sails. So much for riding the high from this weekend straight into Tuesday.

Thanks for all the emails you guys and girls sent in. I'll try to post all the links ya'll sent in.

velonews.com
cyclingnews.com
yahoo.com
sportsillustrated.cnn.com
cyclingnews.com #2

I'd like to wrap this up with an incredible email forwarded to me. This gentleman says it far better than I can, and I'd like to share it with you.

From: Bruce Subject: FW: Ciao Marco Eddy-O wrote this: From: "Edward M O'Rourke" E morto il Pirata Where were you on the morning of September 11? When you heard the news JFK was shot? Lennon? Elvis? The Space Shuttle? Or when you heard, "E Morto Pantani"? I'll always remember what I was doing. I was selling a new bicycle in my store, one filled with European cycling posters and jerseys, many of which celebrate the triumphs of the Pirate of Cesenatico, Marco Pantani. Framed L'Equipe front pages from his '98 Tour win. A giant Bicisport poster of that bandana covered head in a splendid Yellow jersey. Bianchi publicity photos. Battling Armstrong to the summit of Mont Ventoux. A public shrine to Il Pirata's glory days, a bit at odds in Lance's America. I'll always remember that I was just delivering a beautiful new European road bike, to a aspiring competitive cyclist. A young guy excited to start a great new sport. Happy with his choice, eager to climb on his new machine and sprint up a climb. I'll remember his face. The gear he chose. And I'll remember that in the corner, on the front of the closeout rack, hung a Marco Pantani replica Mercatone Uno jersey and shorts from last season. Half price. Still unsold. Obviously unwanted. The phone rang. It was for me. One of my best friends, the ex-professional cyclist, two-time Ras Tailtean (Tour of Ireland) champion and Irish Olympian, Paul McCormack. "D'ya hear? It's sad Eddy O, isn't it?" "What Paulie?" "About Pantani." "What about him?" "Dead. Found him in his hotel room dead." "Oh Jaysus, I can't believe it. ." My thoughts raced to the fact that I was just thinking about him, just that morning, as I'd read about the latest 'take' on his personal problems in pages of the newly arrived Procycling. How he'd withdrawn into himself, and was suffering from depression. How even his fan club and family couldn't get through to him. As I read, I again had a recurring thought. Perhaps I should take a minute and write a note on the "Magico Pantani" fan website. Or maybe an open letter in my bad Italian to BiciSport. To tell him that in America, there were fans who cared about him. Who wished he'd be happy. That he'd given us a lot of joy by his performances. That there weren't only Armstrong fans in America. That I'd enjoyed following his career since he was an amateur. That he was appreciated. That I hoped my seven year old son would be inspired by his exploits someday. That he should say screw what people think and say, and just live a happy life because many of us believed that of all people, a great champion like him had earned happiness. I wanted to see the guy pull out of it. I felt an urge to help pull him out of it. But like always when that thought crossed my mind, I never did anything. I rationalized. 'What's a 43 year old cycling nut doing writing halfway around the world to a guy who doesn't speak English, that he never met? Like it would really matter. Like I could make any difference.' Like most Tifosi, I guess I just didn't care enough. And now, probably like thousands of Pantani supporters worldwide, I wished to God I'd done it. I stood in my store recalling the slights I heard said over the last few years: "Why do you still have his posters up there? . He's yesterday's news. Pantani's finished. He's a nut. a doper" I remembered an insider comment by a former Pantani sponsor, one who'd profited immensely from his '98 triumphs, but by 2001 would confide in me over grappa, "But really, Ed, he's not a very nice person." Now he'll probably run a tribute ad. Well, the tributes should simply say that Marco Pantani was all that was right with cycling. A fragile, not very good looking working class boy with no education from a beachside resort, whose mother ran a simple piadina kiosk, who rises to stardom thanks to spectacular mountain exploits that inspired thousands. That mobilized an army of fans driving days just to cheer their boy on. The fighter who came back from devastating injury to win the Giro and the Tour in the same year. Something we may never see again in this age of cycling specialization. And Marco Pantani was all that was wrong with cycling. The doping suspicions. Sporting fraud court cases. A too high hematocrit. That mysterious insulin syringe. Legal wrangling. Crashed cars. The inflated ego and isolation that's a by-product of insincere hangers-on, and greedy commercial interests. And finally, inevitably, getting rejected and spit out by the machine once your sell-by date has passed. And now, so eerily like Fausto Coppi, that other tragic Italian Campionissimo who left this world too soon, he too will become legend in yet another tragic Italian opera. While I missed any chance to make a difference in Marco's life, I know how we who will miss him can make a difference that will honor his memory. Not by turning our back on the flawed sport we love, but by collectively demanding a higher standard of ethics from cycling's ruling bodies, coaches, directors, and sponsors. To cry out, and fight against the use of performance enhancing drugs in our sport. By racing clean. By exposing and tossing out the cheats. By being selective and voting with our dollars, and only supporting sponsors who do the right thing. By putting pressure on peers, parents. And by never, ever giving up on the sport. Only in this way, can we ensure that no more cycling champions end up alone, dead on a hotel room floor at age 34. We've lost too many in similar ways. Shay Elliott. Claveyrolat. Jose-Maria Jimenez. Basta. Enough. I'll always remember that the day e morto Pantani, before locking up the shop, I went over and removed that Mercatone Uno diviso from the closeout rack. Ciao Marco. Grazie per tutti, e resto nelle pace. Eddy O'Rourke, Riverside RI, USA

Well said, Eddy. Well said.

Friday, February 13, 2004

damn   I   hannah harper   I   britney skye

Friday the 13th. Spooky

I wonder if some bozo will be running around the race course tonight wearing a hockey mask and a bloodstained jumpsuit terrorizing the fuck out of all the campers. Yeah, that would be fun.

In talking about the 24 hour race, my legal counsel had suggested the use of narcotics. Well, Father knows best.

I've got all my shit packed. And I mean shit. It's a fucking mess. How to you pack for throttling yourself straight into the ground for the better part of two days?

Answer: You pack damn near everything you own.

I've got five pairs of jerseys and shorts, maybe seven pair of socks, two pair of shoes, two helmets for reasons I cannot explain, tubes out my ass, two Blackburn hydrapaks, and a milk crate full of bottle, mixes and potions.

Think that's enough for two laps and passing out drunk at 7:30 pm?

Yeah, I hope so.

This is going to be great. Word up.

From: Joshua Subject: the beer tally grows…eh…slightly I'd like to start this email with a question: Can there be such a thing as "more beer than all of 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo can handle," as Random Guy's email suggested? Fuck man, I'd call that Nirvana. And I'll be there on Friday, baby! Heffaschleutz, for lack of a better segue. We have a friend named Bill who brews his own beer. Very, very well in fact. Today he came by the workshop and brought us not only two 5 gallon kegs filled with Payback Porter (7.2%), but also two filled with his special Whamber (7.5%, daddy), AND three yummy oatmeal cookies, but I ate those, so you'll have to trust me about how good they were. Anyway, I will take it as a personal affront if you do not stop by and have a beer with the Jericho crew this weekend, and I think we might even have enough for anyone who might happen to tag along with your hairy tall self. Or be lured by the glow of the shiny bikes on Friday afternoon. Or by the delightful aroma of fajitas cooking on Saturday night. Or by the pungent stank of Sunday morning headset adjustments. Or by the unmistakable scent of free beer all weekend long. Because, truly, nothing goes better with bike racing and free beer than a faceful of knuckle sandwich, wiseguy. Which reminds me, you mentioned something along the lines of..."bitch, bitch, bitch, fistful of mushrooms with a half bottle of scotch, bitch, bitch, bitch." That middle part sounds like fun. Lemme know how that works out for you, and we can compare stories. Jake K. helped me out with the first half of that plan down at the 24 in Wildwood last year. Was on my first night lap and having a great time when I augured at speed while peaking. What follows is an honest retelling of the "Fucking Best Crash Of My Life"(guesstimated reality in parenthesis). I slammed into a rise on the big descent at around 30 mph (closer to 15, maybe even 12), followed by an eternity of hang time (probably less than a second), while doing endless loops (flipped upside down), after which I landed in the softest bushes I've ever felt (I think it was some sort of fucking cacti), and had the most interesting realization (remembering the key word here, cubensis): When you're riding at night you can tell if you're bleeding and not sweating, because the blood doesn't evaporate as quickly as sweat would (um... This is your son on drugs?) And I still pulled a 57 minute lap, fastest on our team all weekend (actually, that part's true. Our team was having that much fun). Meh. Sleepy now, but thankful for: Departing Oakland in 10 hrs. Bringing 20 gallons of homemade beer and 6 homemade bike frames. Driving 1900 miles roundtrip to endure 24 hours of sleep deprivation, dehydration, bruises and a wicked hangover. Probably burning 100 gallons of highly refined Stegosaurus (and a few grams of unrefined green). Making a public ass of myself no less than 5 times this weekend. Being really in love with this stupid sport despite all reasonable arguments by my family and more sensible friends. See you soon, man.

In case your wondering what in the hell "cubensis" is, as I was, click here.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

jana cova   I   aston moore   I   alley baggett

This is it. Tomorrow we leave for the Old Pueblo. This is going to be great. I simply cannot wait for it to start.

The waiting is the hardest part.

The Gnome pics me up tomorrow at noon. And he's bringing his little gnome buddies with him. You'll see them hanging out trailside. We'll be just down the road from the start finish, just as you are about to cross the cattle guard. Look right.

Short notice, but if anyone feels like bringing a little buddy down for the collection, you could win a prize.

John Kerry, a Navy dove runs for congress. In 1970, exactly two months before I was born.

Good read. Hey could be the one to take back the Whitehouse, as it were.

From: Justin Subject: Wal-Mart Jonny, Here is some proof of the buying power a big-box store like Wal-mart has! thnews.com/archive/ar2004/february2004/top2-9.html

Wow. Looks like Tucson is going to be short one Hector Aquilar-Corona for awhile. Won't see him around. I'd say he's going to be on a little vacation. For a couple of years.

Poor bastard. Well, driving a truck with 660 pounds of coke in the trailer is some risky business.

Damn.

And you just gots to love this little bit of news: "The military will have no money to pay for the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan for three months beginning Oct. 1 because the White House is declining to ask Congress for funding until December or January, well after the presidential election.".

Oh, that is so great.

Bl4ckh4am. Word up.

Need a little lift? Try this.

Tall Paul told me that last link was the "gayest thing ever".

This is a close second.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

chasey lain   I   lesbians   I   girl on an exercise bike

Only a couple more days till the Old Pueblo kicks off. Goodbye cruel world. You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.

I've been sorting out gear and packing up for the trip down to Tucson. Since I drove Gnomie down in the Blue Bomber last weekend, he's offered to roll his truck down this weekend.

His ride pretty much blows the doors off mine, so we should shave about an hour off the three hour drive. And, when you've got the room, you can bring a whole ton of stuff with ya.

Like, hmm, which gloves do I bring? Answer: Bring them all.

From: p Subject: rumor yo jonny, down in oz and heard a rumor that's gonna throw you for a loop. walmart is taking over postal's sponsorship in '05. hmmmm.

No shit. Damn. That'll be interesting.

Speaking of Walmart.

Another little piece of the facade falls away.

From: Erik Subject: Who could resist THIS sales pitch? Best email I've gotten since the one about girls who liked getting "fucked in the head"…. OH THAT'S DISGUSING! WHAT IS THAT IN HER.. The Foulest, Most Disgusting and Offensive Sexual acts EVER! Veggie Fuck Fest! Champagne Bottle vs. Recta! Orifices STUFFED with Bottles! Chained and Tied Up in PUBLIC for ALL to see! Chained and Tied Up in PUBLIC for ALL to see! Check out how DISGUSTING and OFFENSIVE this shit is!

Hey, they had me at Foulest.

Andy sent in the worm game. So, you can blame him for it.

This is my wallpaper at the moment. I'm just feeling it, Ok?

Remember Bush is 30 seconds? Well this is Bush in 41.2 seconds.

I got an email today with the line, "OK, I'm convinced Bush is hugely damaged" and a link to this article on slate.

Then I laughed. Yep. He's off his rocker. And, after reading all that Plato vs. Aristotle stuff makes feel as though I should take another look at Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.

I'll tackle that after this weekend.

My man Wesley Clark pulled out today saying, "I will support our Party's nominee, to continue this campaign until we take back the White House next November. This soldier stands ready for duty. It's not going to be easy. So I've got one bit of advice for our nominee: give 'em hell and never retreat. "

Well, Kerry's still kicking ass. He's almost a gimmie at this point like an eight inch putt.

From: Mike Subject: degrees of difference Kerry did the Fifth Ring of Hell on a hardtail at Warp Factor 9 Bush sukked on lollipops while sitting on his tricycle with daddy sweeping the driveway for loose grass and pebbles. read all about it here: motherjones.com/news/update/2004/02/02

It's subtle, isn't it? I had to read it twice to see the slight differences in those two military careers.

I've spent the last two hours fixing up more of the archives for your viewing pleasure. There is still a ton of broken links and other fucked up problems, but it's getting better. With the race this coming weekend, I don't imagine I'll be mucking around with that mess for another week or so.

And I'm out.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

barbie   I   more barbie   I   lesbians rule

High scores hitting penguins dominated this mornings emails. First in 320.8. That one got knocked outta the box with a 323.3 from the same guy a half hour later.

A newcomer blasted us all with a 323.7.

I managed to pull a 322.9 out of my ass. A personnel best and still in the medals. At least I up'd the high score around the office.

The real game is getting the combo number for five at bats. The best I could do was 1386.3 for long ball. The short game is totally sick. Every time I tried to get five pop ups under 200 I'd end up smacking one for big distance and fucking up the program.

At least I have something to look forward to tomorrow.

I little bit about Cheney to cheer us all up and make us feel good about things. Who wants a hug?

If you think Antonin Scalia is a dick, you'll probably like this cartoon. I know I did.

Karaoke sucks. Word up.

From: Bob Subject: camel toe, cyclists style Johnny you left leaning, Bush hating, tree hugging, SOB. This guy always cracks me up, and this week's update has a nice cycling touch. cameltoe.org

Damn. I really didn't need to see Alex Zulle's junk like that.

I did a bad thing this weekend. Lucky for me, I had help. Willing help. And, around here, evil hands are never idle.

Here is a pic of the race out a Reddington Pass this past weekend. Fun course. I've never ridden out that way before, and now I wish that I had. There are tons of jeep roads going all over the fucking place out there. A brother could get himself lost for days.

Anyway, back to the evil, Snake had to sent his SRM in for some work, warranty something or the other, a week back or so. And it was just killing him not to have it. He's addicted to that little gadget, and life without it is unimaginable for him at this point.

He was expecting it to show up on Wednesday. Well, a note the door for the UPS driver left behind while he went riding was for naught. No SRM on Wednesday.

Same story with Thursday. And it was killing him.

Get to Friday. He's got to leave town for a couple of bike races on the weekend, and he really wants his SRM. So he waits.

And waits.

And waits.

He finally cracks, gets in the car and rolls. Not more than fifteen minutes after he leaves, the package arrives.

So, what do we do? We fuck with him.

Jackass Justin cuts open the box, takes out the SRM and replaces it with an empty jager bottle. Then he hid it somewhere, and left me with the box.

Not satisfied with leaving the empty box for Snake, we decided to take the box out for a night on the town. And we took pictures to remember the moment.

Ain't we nice?

Snake was so happy about it, he called me up on Monday and said three words, "Where's my SRM?"

I told him Jackass hid is somewhere and he hung up on me.

Oh yeah, it was worth it.

From: Chris Subject: check this out Johnny, Love your site, I just wish the Eagles had beat Carolina. I'm still getting over it. Do you like the Grateful Dead? Check these out! velogear.com/grdeje.html

Yeah, you and me both. Fucking Eagles. Fuck.

I'm not so down with the Dead. Never been to a Dead show or anything like that. Closest I've been to Woodstock is partying down at a 24 hour race.

One I wasn't stupid enough to actually enter. The support end of it is way fun.

My plan for this year is if it all just goes to shit I'm going to wash down a fist full of mushrooms with half a bottle of scotch and see what happens.

I figure that will take sleep right out of the picture.

Tons of email about the cycling who shot the driver of a car during an altercation.

Understandably, most cyclists are stoked about it. Who doesn't want to shoot the bastard that just threw a beer bottle at ya?

Check the mail thread.

From: Geoff Subject: armed cyclist Sounds like self-defense to me. The truck driver yells at the guy to get off the road, the cyclist flips him off, the truck driver turns around to run him over with the truck, and the cyclist shoots the guy. What's the problem? Apparently, motorists are permitted to threaten cyclists with multi-ton weapons, but cyclists are not permitted to defend themselves.

Can ya feel the love? Can ya? I think I can.

I can smell it too. It smells like bacon.

Mmmm bacon.

From: Michael Subject: RE: armed cyclist I'd have to agree with you. I've had many an angry confrontation with passing rednecks. One time I had to restrain Sliney from going after a car full of idiots who yelled out the window at us as they passed by us, inches away. He didn't want to back off until I pointed out that they had a Rottweiller in the backseat and we were armed with only lycra and waterbottles. That would have been a better time had I felt secure with a nice firearm stashed in my Camelbak. At any rate, I think that it is surprising that we don't see more of that kind of stuff happen given the bad attitudes many drivers have towards cyclists. Time to get that permit. I'm thinking for weight, I'd probably not want to carry anything bigger than a 9mm, esp. as it would be used in close range. Glock, maybe?

Monday, February 9, 2004

cathi o'malley   I   amber   I   crissy moran

Big ups to Team Burrito.

Requested shout out delivered.

I spent a good long time today swingin' yard at these damn penguins. This is the database version of the game, the remembers your score bashing the living hell outta these penguins. Ah, c'mon, they like it. Little bastard was smiling as I pasted him. I had a pretty damn good score of 319.8 that stood for awhile. Till my man Jeff crushed it with a 320.3.

I was able to crawl up to a 319.9 and stayed there for what felt like an eternity. Then I matching him with a 320.3.

Neither of us could beat it. But, tomorrow, I'm breaking off somethin'. I got a little special thing I'm working on. Oh, you're gonna love it.

Short update, I know, but I was talking with Big Pun about the Old Pueblo next weekend. Gotta hammer out the details and all that. Anyway, not it's damn near midnight and I'm about to fall down. That, and my damn computer has been fucking up all night. Screw it, I'm done. Goodnight.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

merritt   I   tera patick   I   ashley robbins

I'll be down in Tucson getting my ass handed to me at MBAA #3, the Reddington Rumble. Oh dear Lord, let me die well. With dignity. Like William Wallace.

I've heard the shuttle buses to the start area concept had been shelved, and I hope they prove correct. I would much rather park within, say, a mile of the start and then ride my bike. I could use the warm up.

It may prove to be my best performance of the whole day.

On Sunday, I'll be checking to the 24 hour course. Seeing which way the wind blows and picking out a nice tombstone.

I'll have it say, "Here lies big jonny. He had a big 'ol ass."

Maybe I'll have a braying donkey in across the top in relief.

I think it'd be a nice touch.

If you need something to do this Saturday, and you're somewhere in the vicinity of the Twin Cities, you might want to check out the Snowballs Chance in Hell race. I don't know much about it besides what I read on the flyer. One part I really like it that the entry fee is a receipt from a local bikes shop showing a purchase the week of the race.

I don't imagine a piece of paper from SuperGo would suffice, eh boys?

Probably get dissed for that one. And then wrecked in the first corner by the thug squad over at QBP. Dude, Sov will total you.

I just spent the last hour in my living room putting my bad ass Unit back together. The poor girl has been hanging from a hook since the last race two weeks ago. Actually, three hooks. One for the frame, and two more for each wheel.

Thank God it's a single speed and only needed the freewheel lubed, the rear hub tightened, the rear break arms greased so they'd stop fucking squeaking, the headset overhauled so it'd stop making that annoying grinding noise when you turned the bars back and forth, two new tires, and the chain lubed.

If that thing had gears, I'd be straight fucked.

The geared bike I worked on destroying this afternoon when I went up the Lowell Observatory hill five friggin times. You know it's the middle of the shit winter when the road is so fucked your rear tire spin on a pavement climb while your seated. It makes it exciting.

From: Ken Subject: Where can I get a job… ...that let's me spend the office's resources on finding another job, let's me take a few months off to go find a job *and* get paid for it, let's me tell everyone in the world I'm looking for another job, and let's me keep my old job if I can't get the new job? Be a politician. I still can't believe all these people who ran for President can just keep their old jobs if they don't make it. Why in the world would we want people like this in office?

That is a very good question. One I do not have an answer for.

It's interesting that people with a full time job, as Kerry is supposed to have, can find the time to campaign that hard.

Now, my man Clark, he's retired. He can do whatever he pleases. It's not on my dime.

Sorta like when Bush stumped for all those Republican candidates in the midterm elections. You'd think he would have been to busy as our President.

Ah, whatever. I guess we'll be seeing a lot of these brakes by zero gravity this year. Hell, as long as they actually still stop, make 'em as light at you damn well please, right?

Tonight's horrible joke:

You here the one about the priest and the rabbi walking down the street? They are walking down the street when the priest sees a little boy walking ahead of them. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Hey Rabbi, Let's go fuck that little boy!" The rabbi replies "Fuck him outta what?"

I am so going to hell.

If I get there first, I'll save you a seat by the fire.

Seems my fucked up hit a curb, but a new tire lunch break wasn't the record setter I thought it was. But, I'm a strong second.

From: Adrock Subject: expensive lunch You are penciled in the books as having the second most expensive lunch break. In my days of working at a bike shop myself I logged the most expensive lunch (at a bike shop lackey's salary to boot). It should be noted that I drive a lifted truck with a CrMo tubular prerunner bumper in place of the factory bumper. I made a lunch run for the everyone at the shop and was on my way back. One of the sodas fell out of those useless cardboard carriers onto the floorboard. I was approaching a stop sign as I reached down to right the soda whose lid had not yet come off. This is when I thought my foot was sufficiently planted on the brake pedal. My truck did stop -- where it rested on the trunk lid of a Honda Civic. I looked up over my dash to see a trunk with more of a taco in it than wheels I have destroyed. We pulled to the side of the road where I did my best "You can just buff that out" with a straight face. They asked what I wanted to do about it. Not wanting to add an incident to my record I offered to pay to settle this right there. Of course they asked how much I had on me. Mr. Dipshit that I am told them I had $150. Grand total for lunch that day: $27.48 for food and $150.00 for pick-up/delivery.

Damn. Always a bridesmaid and never a bride.

I don't imagine I'll get much done in the way of updating the site this weekend, but look for some fresh new content on Monday.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004

inari   I   danni ashe   I   bobbi eden

My man Big Gay Randy just blew outta town this week. He beat the snow by one day on his new Surly Karate Monkey. Saddled up with full racks, a grip of cash and a solid month off work, he's good to go for all of February.

Since it was pretty muddy up here on Monday, he took the highway down to Verde. But past that little 40 mile mud avoiding jaunt on pavement, he's planning for doing the rest on dirt. What the rest is I'm not to sure.

He said he'd meet me down in Tucson at the Reddington Pass race on Saturday. I'll be driving out to the race from Tucson side, and he'll be coming around from the backside. Yeah, he's like that.

I don't know much about his plans for the rest of the month aside from supporting me at the Old Pueblo. I'm considering handing him my sleeping bag and saying, "Don't let me have this."

That ought to work. I can see it now. I'll be saying, randy just gimmie the damn bag.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have this yummy donut and another lap, tubby?"

Damnit Randy, where's my tent? And gimmie the damn bag already. I'm just want to lay down for twenty minutes.

"How about a slice of pizza, fatty. Here drink this, smoke this and stop being such a wuss. You're embarrassing me. Get back on the bike. Let's move lard ass."

I expect that exchange to take place, oh, around 3:00 in the afternoon.

Yep, I'm going to crack in daylight of the first day.

From: s. Subject: no subject You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time. As you round the corner you find a little girl crying because she has spilled her ice cream all over herself. What do you do? A) You are so late that you keep on going and hope that no one sees you. B) You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up. C) You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream. Click here to find out if you answered correctly.

I've got another story about Wesley Clark dropping by the bar on Sunday night. An 'ol hippie told Clark about how he had been protesting the Vietnam War in Wisconsin, and had been tear gasses by National Guardsmen. This was way back in the late sixties, and the hippies said, "I just wanted you guys to come home."

Clark to his hand and told him, "Thank you. I wanted to come home too."

I thought that was pretty fucking cool.

I came across this webpage tonight, quite by accident. Talk about a lot of links. And, no, it's not porn. All cycling related. All good.

Mike calls this "the funniest headline of the year."

How 'bout a race report from the Cyclocross Worlds.

From: Brain O Subject: world 'cross race support Bonjour, We got back last night from watching Bart and Super Mario battle it out for the title. Wellens won by the width of a muddy, fat tire, with Sven Vanthurenhout in third. Our boys performed admirably, Andy J-M had a very good race, and our girls performed even better. Ann Grande-Knapp and Alison Dunlap were 4-5, just missing the podium, but actually a good way from the front. I don't know what we're going to do now that almost all of our top girls are retiring. France's Laurence Lebouchet ran away with her title, the only non-Belgie to get gold. So of course, the big headline in L'equipe was about the French woman, not that the Belgians dominated everything else. I guess in Belgium, women don't belong on bikes. The Czechs were on Moratis and Tufos, but most of the other big guns were on Dugast tires, with various treads glued on. The course was a bit muddy after rain on Saturday, but otherwise fast and rolling - a good power course, with short climbs and drops, only one sort of extended riding climb with barriers at the top, plus one other spot that had a series of railroad tie sized steps that forced a dismount. The finish was flat and paved, into the wind, after a paved, shallow climb. We ate lots of butter disguised as croissants, crepes, galletes, and cream sauces. We topped up the fat reserves with frites and sausage sandwiches, washing it down with cheap Cote du Rhone (one Euro/cup) at the races. The Belgies were getting hammered every afternoon between races, celebrating their world domination. The Swiss were ringing their huge cowbells, and the French were smoking and pretending to be relevant. We flew our California Republic flag proudly while pissing off the locals by cheering for Yanks and running all over the course. We left all the course-side banners in place, though, since we were, after all, ambassadors for our sponsors. Look for pictures soon on the Pilarcitos cycle sport web page. Unfortunately, no boobs. 'Cross fans seem to be the Eurotrash equivalent of NASCAR fans -- fat, drunk, smoking up a storm, and overwhelmingly male. But do they ever know their players. They all walk around wearing jackets from their "Supporter's Clubs," e.g., the Bart Wellens Supporters Club, or the Sven Nijs Club. The talent is so deep, they don't just root for any old compatriot, only their favorites. So the Mario fans were not happy for Bart's win. We did, however, enjoy the smattering of chattering Dutchie girls. They melt me every time. Something about being tall, slim, fair, with good teeth and high cheekbones. But they kept their clothes on, at least in our "Restauration Public" tent. So, next year in St. Wendel!

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

edita   I   erica campbell   I   ashley robbins

It's been snowing here all day like crazy. I think we had a good five inches on the ground before I went home for lunch. Turns out I've been driving too much, and I was reminded of it today.

I was rounding a corner today, not really going all that fast, but it was slicker than shit and I started sliding curb side. I downshifted and gave it a little juice thinking that would swing the front end around. Hell, its front wheel drive and things like that usually work pretty well.

Not today. When I realized I was about to tap the curb, I straightened out the wheels thinking I had better have 'em faced straight on rather than offer the broadside of my front wheel. That, I figured, was bound to break something.

Flagstaff is like many towns where the curbing isn't all that standardized. On my street there isn't any curbs at all. Now, I was sliding into a snow covered something, I knew not what.

I was hoping for no curb, or at worse, one of the short three to four inch variety.

What I got was the bonus plan.

I put my wheel straight into the sewer grating, where the curb is a mean old son of a bitch, a good eight inches high and rimmed with a steel edging.

My tire did not like it, no sir it did not.

It popped.

I get the car about ten feet up the road where someone has been parked for most of the snowstorm and just recently left. It's a clean piece of pavement, thank God. I don't think the jack would have worked to well otherwise. So, now I'm out in the snow doing my best Indy 500 impersonation. Open the trunk, dig out the donut, jack up that big blue bastard, tear off the ruined tire and bolt up that pathetic little mini donger. Drive to tire shop, have them mount up the cheapest rubber they offer, make it back to work an hour late.

Great. Just great. This is going to be on record as the most expensive lunch break ever.

New tire = $65.00.

I love snow. Love it love it love it.

Nah, it ain't that bad. I should've taken the corner at two miles and hour instead of pushing my luck at five.

Hey man, live fast, die young, know what I'm saying?

More on Janet's boob, if you're into that sort of thing.

It's still snowing like hell. It looks like ten inches of the fresh stuff in my yard. Maybe even more. I dunno. For years I've been convinced four inches is actually nine, so I'm not the one to ask about that sort of thing.

Fuck it, I'm going to bed. I got home and rode the rollers for two hours. I've about had it with the fucking rollers already. Big night on politics. I'm listening to NPR right now. Looks like Lieberman just bowed out. Kerry may have taken Arizona. I was pulling for Clark, who still might get Oklahoma. It'll be tomorrow before it's all sorted out.

Good night.

Monday, February 2, 2004

mason marconi   I   nikki tyler   I   heather

I've got a little thermometer thing on the dashboard of my car that tells me the temperature outside as I drive. A cute little novelty, or a deadly distraction? Jury's still out on that one.

Last week as I was driving back up the hill, as it were, to town, I watched in muted horror as the pleasant desert temps plunged far below a good time. Before I even hit pine trees coming out of the Verde Valley I saw 22, then 20. It leveled off for the next ten miles or so before plunging to 12.

Twelve degrees? Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus, it can't get worse.

And you had better believe it did. Nine. The number in between eight and ten. Yes, ladies and gentleman, we have hit rock bottom. I stabbed at the heater controls in defiance of Old Man Winter. Fuck you buddy, I'm rollin' hard in a Park Ave.

I should be straight pimpin' in a 1971 Riviera. You better ask somebody.

Did I just get all ghetto and shit up in this bitch?

From: Ron Hightower Subject: Fwd: DEAR LARRY i have noticed--while reading the diaries/columns/rants of a number of cyclists--that many of these offerings (yours notwithstanding) contain a fair amount of ebonic-laden prose. however, in all honesty, the closest any of these cyclists has come to "kickin' it in the 'hood" is wearing their knit Pearl Izumi cap down low on their heads as they sat--sunglasses on--inside starbucks sipping on a double mocha cappucino with soy. face it: just because you've seen "boys in the hood," "menace II society," and "colors" doesn't mean you're a gangster. you're not from the ghetto--you are from the suburbs! you are a "GHETPRO." hey, don't get me wrong...cycling culture is very cool...very euro...very fashionable. but...YO! it's just not "hard," and it never will be! ever tried to mean-mug somebody with a half bottle of mousse in your hair, decked out in Dolce Gabbana and reeking of Acqua di Gio? the smart money says that they weren't shaking in their Timberlands... all this madness just begs the question: why? who are you fooling? look to jonathon vaughters, my good fellows. he is an articulate, humorous and intelligent guy. he was also a pretty fair cyclist if i can remember back to, say...last year. a hard guy? yes. a gangster wannabe? no. i say to all cycling columnists: stop denying your roots! embrace your culture and heritage as the prep-schooled, VW/Audi/BMW-driving, Calvin Klein-wearing, Gap-shopping, espresso-guzzling, eyebrow-sculpting, hair-waxing men that you are. be proud in your metrosexuality! revel in your euro-trash ways! so--in the interest of cleaning up the sport--i suggest that all internet-based cycling contributors (NOT REALLY FROM THE INNER CITY) abstain from using the following words/phrases when writing their diaries/columns/rants: BLING (in the suburbs, it's the sound your doorbell makes!) BURNER/GAT (hunting for ducks, elk, etc. doesn't mean you're "strapped") CHILL (only if you're putting the champagne on ice) CRIB (do you have a baby? no? forget it, stupid!) CREW (if your school had a team for this, don't even try it!) DAWG (listen to limp bizkit? linkin park? weezer? stick to dude, bro, etc.) DIS (only if you have a lisp. but who the hell writes with a lisp?) DOPE (unless you are a mountain biker, or referring to UCI-banned substances) DOWN (only for purposes of direction) DUBS (do you even know what a "dub" is?) FLAVA (unless it's 31. and in that case use an "OR"!!!) FRESH (only to describe the condition of food or water) GANGSTA (only as a misspelling of the forgettable 80s music group) HARD (see "pimpin") HIT ME UP (do not use if you have never owned a cell phone bigger than a pack of cigarettes) HOLLA (if you think nelly is "old school"...well, you're just plain stupid) MAD (to you, it's the opposite of "happy"--write accordingly) MOMS/POPS (even if your parents have been re-married 3 times...you don't have one) MY PEEPS/POSSE (if you high school had the word "St." in it and you weren't recruited, don't even try it) OFF THE HOOK (unless that's why there was a busy signal) PEACE (only...only...only if you're from berkeley) PIMPIN (trust me...you're not) PLAYA (see "pimpin") RESPECT (show some for yourself--you're not Snoop!) ROLLIN' (again...mountain bikers excepted--and only when used in conjunction with "papers") SHIZZLE, NIZZLE, SHEEZY and NEEZY (these are not 4 of the 7 dwarfs) SHORTY (not unless you had to take the bus to school--the PUBLIC bus!) SICK (unless you really are) TIGHT (except referring to clothing or the resulting fit of piling 5 guys and their gear into you car) YO (what the fuck are you thinking? stop writing and keep watching TRL!!!) thank you.

Good thing I'm not pro.

I get home, and my fancy digital thermometer reads 48. Inside my house. I just love relying on a woodstove for heat. Quaint my ass.

More like a pain in my ass.

Good thing I got me a big ol pile of lumber out back and a history of pyromania. See, the Boy Scouts was good for something. Now I can burn things like a pro.

A pro I say.

Could Cheney suck any more?

Another attack on my political rants:

From: nine Subject: no subject Your link to the 'scoop' on Bill O'Reilly takes me to a pro communist web site. There are still a few countries that are wallowing in the miserable failure of this social utopia. You're welcome to go there if you like. Here's the site's self explanation; COSMOS LEFT is a supporter of Bolshevism, the Third International under the leadership of Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky, and Trotsky's Fourth International. COSMOS LEFT considers the Cuban Communist Party under Fidel Castro as part of the communist international that working people worldwide should support. Are you completely ignorant? Why the hell would advocate this garbage? Do you even know what bolshevism is? Look it up nut head. Stick to the porn and your cycle drivel.

Look buddy, I'm not a Bolshevik. Fuck the Bolsheviks, Lenin and Trotsky.

The only guy I have any respect for is Zenon Jaskula for his podium spot in the '93 Tour. And Warren Zevon for just doing what he did.

It was a funny link about Bill O'Reilly, whom, as readers of this site should know, I think is a doochebag.

I just went back and checked out the article again. Yep. Its still funny. They said, and I'm not making this up, "COSMOS LEFT will expose this liar as a deadly enemy of working people; a demagogic windbag railing against the weak and bankrupt liberal elites who refuse to discipline unruly Black kids in public schools, and won't militarize the borders to keep out those damned illegal Mexicans."

Dude, that's friggin' hilarious.

You can't make up shit that good. It's so over the top. So completely ridiculous. So, O'Reilly.

And, using your logic, since I've linked to masswheels.com showing off my fine piece of crap car, I am endorsing Mass Wheels as a fine retailer of used automobiles. But, I'm not.

I don't know anything about Mass Wheels. For all I know they sell piece of shit lemons. Like my car, for example.

Ok, now that we've got that squared away.

An interesting thing happened last night during the Superbowl. Besides the drinking, screaming and carrying on you'd expect.

Wesley Clark walked through the door of my favorite bar.

It made for an interesting second half, to say the least. It's a small place, so we all got to talk to him. I shook his hand and thanked him for entering the race. He asked me for my support, and I've got to tell you, I think he might just deserve it.

He asked me what I did. I told him, "I ride bikes, I drink beer and I run a website."

He said, "Oh, Ok.", as his smile broadened across his face.

I liked him immediately.

The local boys and girls were sharpening up their best nail 'em to the wall questions. We're an interesting bunch, typically over educated and under employed. And, pretty damn drunk at this point. I thought he did well.

One friend of mine thought his answers sounded scripted, or cookie cutter. But, you've got to figure, when you're out pressing the flesh like he's been doing, you're going to hear the same question a couple of, say, hundred times.

It would be hard to sound original the 99th time.

I even had my picture taken with him by a nice young woman with the smallest digital camera I have ever seen. I'll call her Julie the Cruise Director. She works for Dean, and is about as honest and enthusiastic as you could ask for. I also liked her immediately.

I'm waiting on Julie to email that puppy over.

C'mon baby, come to poppa.

And, it was a damn fine football game, wasn't it? The action lasted all the way through the closing seconds. Man, that was a good one.

To be honest, the Clark visit did kinda throw us all for a loop. I was so damn distracted talking to Julie the Cruise Director, I missed a touchdown.

Thank God for replay.

One thing I did miss was the Janet Jackson boob flash.

Thank God for the internet.

Sunday, February 1, 2004

tanya james   I   sandra   I   looks like trouble

The Godfather of Soul in trouble again? Say it ain't so.

Day two of snow bound fury. I'm starting to like it, at least riding in it. At the moment, it's a fair bit below freezing. Below 20 actually. Everything is frozen solid. Not like yesterday, where I found quite a few muddy spots while riding.

The mud here is something else. Down south where you might find a lot of crushed granite and the like, the trails can soak up an amazing amount of water. Not so much on the mud side of things, but here, man oh man. Here it is a sticky, formless muck that stuffs up your stays, packs around the bottom bracket, fucks up your shifting and fills your front fork crown. All in about the span of twenty feet.

I was out front yesterday, after one hour of riding, taking the hose to my bike in the driveway. Anyone driving by most have thought I was nuts. Maybe I was nuts, it was fucking cold.

By the time I had rode back, the muck had started to freeze in places. Going from the consistency of peanut butter to a solid rock. The brakes were grinding something fierce, I was surprised they worked at all. The drivetrain was a disaster. Just pick a gear and stay in it.

If my single speed wasn't in pieces all over my living room floor, I should have ridden it. Bike sans derailleur do so much better in mud, snow and ice. No shifting to muck up if you only have one gear, my friends. Turn off brain and pedal. Just how I like it.

Ashcroft. In a word: Asswipe.

Oh, that Rummy, what a card.

My man, Bill O'Reilly.

From: Heff Subject: That Mistress Karin of whatever yeah, some blokes do pay, and quite highly for that kind of thing. this side of the pond, I know a few who do a bi-monthly budget for stuff around £300 [$450-475] for a 2-3 hour session, which as a rule doesn't feature sex. I think they are insane : but then I was always the dude on the other end of the hitty stick, laughing my ass off. Your perverted, death-wish urban cycling pal in Merry old England. p.s. My Helltest score was 256. Don't ask. I didn't lie, either.

Right on Heff, nice Helltest score. And, whoa, "I was always the dude on the other end of the hitty stick"

Damn.

Ok, how much cash is it going to cost for you, or own of you friends in the business, to strap Phil the Horse across a barrel, stuff a ball gag in his mouth, and unleash the gimp on him? He's been sending me some unsettling emails of late, and this ought to put and end to it. Although it is clearly cruel and unusual, I feel threatened, yes threatened, by Horsy pants.

The world would be made safer by teaching him a lesson. As only a sick fuck like you can, Heff. I call on you in this hour of need. I want to build a coalition of the willing, lop dick fascists one and all.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Never mind. Devil had me in his clutched for minute there.

I'm much better now. Heff has assured me he was limited to "whacking the lassies."

Well, thank God for that.

Today's dumb joke:

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says, "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

"Let me tell you why military engagement with Saddam Hussein's regime in Baghdad is not only necessary and inevitable, but good."

Ah, fuck you.

From: Matt Subject: Canadians gone mad Hey Jonny Not related to porn or bikes but something that is on the same level of stupidity as Bush. In Canada there is an organization called the Canadian Private Copying Collective. What they do is impose levies (or tax as most people call it) on anything that could be used to store music and though it is the manufacturers responsibility to pay it, to quote CPCC, "While the levy is paid at the wholesale level, it is generally accepted that the costs of the levy are passed on to end users". What this means is that every time a Canadian goes out and buy a writable cd to put their porn collection on or whatever, they pay a levy (currently 21 cents per cd) that is distributed to the music industry. Somehow or other. I'm sure it's very fair. No really, I trust them. Like I trust Bush to form brilliant strategies. There is also a levy on mp3 players and mini disc players, but you are allowed by current law to record music you have bought on to these devices for personal use. You still have to pay, again, for music you have bought though. Now these levies are sensible because.....no, I give up. Not getting it. Guess some people in the music industry expect to get their money for nothing and their chicks for free. However, there is an anti-cpcc coalition, the Canadian Coalition for Fair Digital Access, formed by manufacturers and retailers to fight the evil CPCC. Companies such as AMD, Intel, Apple, Sony, and Wal-Mart (yes, Wal-Mart!) are fighting the good fight. I am not Canadian, I am British. But the Canadians are like family to us (apart from the french bit) and I hate to see them persecuted like this. Spread the word, down with the CPCC. Arsehole wankers. Further info Canadian Private Copying Collective cpcc.ca/english/index.htm Copyright Board Canada cb-cda.gc.ca/new-e.html Canadian Coalition for Fair Digital Access - The Good Guys ccfda.ca/index_eng.html

One more and I'm out. And, no, I don't really care about the Superbowl Goddamnit.

From: JA Subject: Hitler Youth BJ, Get a load of this little Hitler Youth fuckhead: sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/01/31/ Know what? What we're probably going to find out that this punk is actually a self-hating closet homosexual or something of that nature. Not that there is anything wrong with being homosexual, mind you (I couldn't care less what someone else's sexual orientation is). What's wrong with this kid is that hate is not OK, regardless if you are liberal or conservative, straight or gay. But if you're a hypocrite to boot, then that's just evil. All I can think is that this kid must have some real anger in his heart. I feel sorry for him. Someday he's going to wake up and wonder why he's so unhappy and maybe, just maybe he'll figure out that it isn't others who are causing him his pain.

That is one confused young man.