Two things before I pass out:

I fixed all the image links that tanked today. Big whoops duh on my part. I thought they were all cool, and I left for class. Well, they weren’t cool at all. Fine now though. Snake is a butt pirate for Halloween this year. Check the photo evidence. The camera never lies.

One more thing, so call it three things then. I’m pulling those annoying flying ghost things. Fucking things are giving me a headache.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

models   I   whoa   I   whoa again

Tomorrow I leave for four days of fun and frolic in northern, scenic, rural, frozen cold Idaho. Yeah, it’s a life. Don’t expect much in the update department. I’ll see what I can do but no promises, this trip is all about me.

From: Dickson Subject: Sports Drink from Asia Attached are pictures of sports drink I saw and bought at the local Asian market. The reason they don't sell in this country: is it the formulation, or the branding, you make the call.

     

Who knows, could be the best stuff you’ll ever drink. I’ll bet that melon nonsense mixes well with vodka. Maybe.

Hell, I’d try it.

Here are some pics from the sswc. You’ll notice only one pic has someone riding. It’s a single speed thing I guess: It’s all about the beer.

        
  

Kent, the guy who sent me the pics, requested some 80’s porn star links. That I don’t exactly have at the moment, but I do have a links to this and then that and another thing and maybe even this right here.

From: Heff Subject: It’s Heff… Wotcha dude. ignore the Address, Im using a scabby-ass University terminal because Ironically its quicker than trying to get Hotmail to do things my way these days. But we wont go there. Hey, if you cant mirror the fucker, just link to it :) cortosis.co.uk/downloads/Apology.mp3 should leech it from them, *PROMOTES LIKE A BITCH* In other news, Ive discovered that adding multivitamins into a diet consisting entirely of bacon omlettes leaves you feeling much more sharp and awake. and capable of excercise. Im fucking ripped at the moment. Rar. shame its a ripped muscle from hauling Ton Bik out of the way of a fire engine. personal Stereos, being half awake, Foo fighters and a fire engine. Do the Math. Glad to hear your kicking back and appreciating the scenery. Im for returning to Single-Sex Universities. I dont know how the fuck they expect me to get _any_ work done with all this scenery walking about looking... ...sorry, where was I?

I mirred the cortosis mp3 a few weeks back. It was pretty popular, lots of people downloaded it. I had to yank it ‘cause I just can’t handle the bandwidth. Oh well. But, I will link to where the music is.

Speaking of music, this next site has a bunch of mp3’s and a ton of other shit to read and look at. I like this site, oh yes I do. I’ve spent way to much time there already, I’ve had that site up on my second machine for most of the last 24 hours. It was there when I went to sleep, it was there when I woke up. So, go check out freestylin.net.

Be warned though, that music will make you want to fucking kill yourself. I found about two songs I liked out of 50 mp3s. I just had to put on Pantara to pull myself out of the "everything is pain, the bunnies are dead, she hates me, I’m white, 15 and really emotional" vibe.

From: Scott Subject: Re: naked collegiate cycling Big J- I couldn't stop laughing when I read Dave's email about naked cycling at nats. (posted on the 23rd) This is nothing new to us down here in Texas. I was pleased to see that naked racing has become more than just a drunken backyard party crit. (It's a little more than a tradition at team parties here ... It's just a given.) Who knows, maybe they'll make it into an Olympic sport someday! We had a group there racing at nationals and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they were involved ... either riding or instigating it. I'm a first-time emailer, but long-time fan of the site. Keep up the good work. here's a link to the team's website, amct.tamu.edu

Hoo-ahhh, yippee. Check out the This is about as good as it gets in the reader mail department.

From: sfa fasdfasd Subject: And the shit keeps rolling… I was fucking Johnny-on-the-spot for her, yes’sir. When the bitch came back crying I thought I would give it one last fucking try. One. I gave it the best fucking shot I had with flowers, wine and bitchen’ home cooked meals. I wined, dined and danced. Fuck if I didn’t give it half a dozen years off of my life with all of the tries. And that was in a fucking month. She and I just couldn’t get it together. Her ying was my yang and it all was either fucking ON or fucking OFF. The off outweighed the on by far. So we both walked. Goddamn I feel like shit. As I sit here after attending a killer World Series game with her and possibly seeing her for the last time, I sink myself deeper into Newcastle brown. I wish I had fucking stock in this shit. Can a man drink himself rich? Can you have a fortune built upon your drowning 12oz at a time? I got home tonight, a little light headed, and pedaled. I shouldn’t have and the doc hasn’t cleared me yet, but I rode. Jonny, I haven’t been on a bike in six months, since the major knee surgery, and fucking rode. I rode like I was on a fucking mission. I rode like I haven’t ridden in a long time. I was on my gearie mtb and was averaging 19mph with knobbies while passing drunks, skunks and druggies on the local bike path in the dark. But I was flying and it was night. All was almost right. My sprints were tight and fast. My cadence was clean. Standing in the pedals almost felt natural and nearly strong. The world was right again for the first time since May when everything went upside-down. Somewhere, around mile seven I had an epiphany. Bro, there is very little in life I do right, this I know. As I get older that list shrinks accordingly and my drinking takes place in the voids. So I should drink more and focus on the shit I do right more. Sounds perfect. I pedal. Whether it be single, geared, road or dirt hills, I pedal. This I can do well. I cook. Call it a gift or a product of being poor but I can whip something out of anything. Anchovies in a can, crushed tomatoes and left over capers is a puntenesca. I drink... …like a fucking fish. Does anything else matter, really?

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

chica   I   chica   I   chica   I   chica

I got a couple of pics from the sswc today. I’ll be posting them tomorrow. Big drunken fun, wasn’t it?

More pics from this past weekends Super Secret Halloween Party are up at flight of the pigs. Note to self: kilt + mucho barracho = pics of naked ass on internet.

And I have an ugly, ugly ass.

I like the pic with the gnome all on tilt wearing his fucking flower head little kid costume. At least I'm still standing in that one.

Check out this crackup link. It entertained the hell outta me for a few minutes last night, weeee, look at the colors man, look at the colors.

I think this letter ought to be a good end to me posting all kinds of forwarded emails folks out there sent to Michael Gaffney. I brilliant exclamation point to the season.

Er, something.

From: Mike Subject: [No Subject] yo big juan, i don't think there's much point in responding to Michael Gaffney's editorial. we had a bit of a debate over stuff like this around here when all that "lance is not an athelete" stuff was making the rounds a few months ago, and the general consensus (which i agreed with, for once) was that these editors don't really care one way or the other about cyclists, or cyclist-hataz, for that matter. what they DO care about is attention. Positive or negative, ATTENTION to their rag is what makes their world go 'round. 'ts all 'bout tha numbaz, yo. not sure what this says about their credibility, but hey, i don't even have a job. it's too bad, though... as a former resident of roanoke, i've spent many a mile on the parkway. you have to see it to believe it, but editorials like this are only going to incite readers who might otherwise have been on the fence over the issue to maybe swing to the dark side. which is a funny issue unto itself; do these drivers really think we're a bunch of lycra-clad tree-hugging pacifists who turn the other cheek or something? i don't know what they're thinking when they buzz us, but i wish i had a nickel for every bottle i've sent rocketing their way. it's funny how they lose their balls when you catch up to them at the light and invite them out of the car. as for the opinions offered by those "professional" developers... did they even read the fucking site? methinks not. well, i just saw a girl i hadn't seen before in your banner, so i'll be in the bathroom for a while.

Well said. I’ll throw another couple of logs on the fire, so to speak. Just because I can. And also because Laura from Holland brings the goods. Tonight, in homes all across America. Porn, its what’s for dinner.

bdsmguest.net/bicycle/index153.html
jizz-city.com/tgp/dildo-bike/indexfr6piw.html
hotnewstars.com/Silvie-Thomas-pictures/
naked-teens-live.com/allpetite_2807/teen_sex_012.html
digital-whores.com/gals/hotbiker/36.html
cheerleaders.sicfreehost.com/girls/26esg07/sab.html
tgpteens.net/bb/any30.htm
revsharefetish.com/rev310/fiy/sam4.html
sexburn.com/wie/bniu/absolut.htm

Now that I’ve helped out ya'll, it’s time to help out me. I’m talking jonny time here kids. This ain't notin nice.

From: Stella Subject: greetings hey there big jonny, i got your email from robin at kelly bikes, apparently y'all met up at interbike. small world eh? well i finally got around to checking out your website, pretty cool... and thanks for the props, its always appreciated. i guess you don't remember meeting me at downieville, but i remember you... i was the one who disqualified you for requesting number 69 at registration. all in good fun though... that was kind of a running joke we had going, that anyone who asked for 69 or 420 would be disqualified. and you were the only one, believe it or not! so it looks like you have a camel toe thing going on your website, and i'm attaching a contribution for you. it's a little different though... maybe you can bill this as "one for the ladies." enjoy!

Ahem, excuse me.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

niki nova   I   nasty teacher?   I   trisha uptown

Email. Fun, simple and entertaining as hell. It’s a wonder I get anything done around here at all.

I’m just going to post a couple of the many responses to Mr. Riley’s anti-bike ravings from yesterday. I’m pretty impressed so many of you choose to write that guy and set him straight. I, on the other hand, wanted to tell him he was an asshole and leave it at that.

From: Mike L. Subject: Gaffney ed. 10.24: Dear Mr. Riley-- Michael Gaffney's editorial of 10/24 represents the worst sort of selfish, dangerous, ignorant and oafish thinking. Even though it's obviously stupid and hateful, and therefore lacks credence, I think it's irresponsible to publish it. The Blue Ridge Parkway speed limit is 35 mph. A "race replica" cyclist is typically making about 20 mph on the level-- 25 mph in a pace line of several cyclists, and 10-25 mph uphill. This speed differential will not cause a competent, lawful driver to "swerve," as Mr. Gaffney suggests. Further, bicycles can't block traffic because they ARE traffic. More cyclists mean LESS traffic congestion on the whole. More cyclists mean more available parking spaces in town. And then there are the air quality, non-renewable resource, foreign oil dependence and physical fitness issues that almost certainly lie beyond Mr. Gaffney's ken. Finally, Mr. Gaffney suggests that bicycles are toys. Serious, high-end cyclists are prone to commute and otherwise run errands on their preferred mount-- the same tasks that dangerous and ignorant car drivers are performing. And heaven forbid any vehicle be on the road-- motorized or not-- for the fun and freedom of exercising the considerable affluence and personal liberty we enjoy as Americans. Ride on.

From: B B Subject: Michael Gaffney's idiotic ed. piece If Mr. Gaffney is in such a goddam hurry, tell him to take I-81. We got enough 80-year old assholes from Florida in Cadillacs and Lincolns without having to worry about his sorry ass cruising the parkway. So the parkway is just for cars, eh? Tell that to the thousands of harley-davidson fanatics that come up here every summer. As a matter of fact, since Mr. Gaffney is in such a hurry, he should try a head-on collision with one of those mean-ass bikers. Whoever he doesn't take out can swing motorcycle chains through his thick skull. As for me, you can catch me on my single-speed between Boone and Asheville. My quadriceps will be so fucking big that I'll kick a size 10 hole through Mr. Gaffney's lazy head. Take it from a local...we hate fuckers like Mr. Gaffney who are in such a goddamn hurry on the Blue Ridge Parkway. That's what the interstate is for. Don’t be a moron. And don't piss off the wrong bikers.

From: irieeyed Subject: hot head Have some patience with the world my friend. People need to slow down and enjoy life more. I believe that is what the bike riders are doing. They are simply enjoying life. You should try it once. You may change your perspective and actually have fun. Sounds like you need some fun since you seem to fill your time with negative ramblings about good people. Bikes are clean quiet modes of transportation which help the environment recover from the damage which speeding agro-drivers like yourself cause to the air water and earth. In addition, bikes make people strong and fit. America sees fat children and adults everywhere these days. But you probably just make fun of them too. Next time you see a biker near Roanoke be patient and give them a little room. It will take less time than it took you to write that nonsense editorial.

From: Mike Subject: speeding letter Dear Michael Gaffney, The speed limit on the Blue Ridge Parkway is 35 miles per hour. According to state statutes, bicycles are vehicles too. If you are over taking another vehicle; you cannot pass it at limits above the speed limit, and you must overtake safely. Your letter is a diatribe that is expressing an opinion to the American public. Your opinion, and your testimony of your actions; endorses violations of state law. It endorses dangerous habits. My question to you is: are you a citizen of some third world country where motor way laws are discretionary? Would you rather live in a lawless land? Maybe you want to make your own laws, by your own decision. You won't be the first one, but in proper terminology, these people are called criminals. It is appalling that you openly state in a editorial that you are speeding on a route as the Blue Ridge Parkway. You admit the road is very curvy, that your speed is so excessive that when overtaking legal traffic, you are almost losing control of your vehicle. That you are needing to take actions such as swerving into oncoming traffic. Can I ask you another question. Why, Pinhead, are you SPEEDING? Bicycles are legal traffic. The median income of your average road cyclist is very high according to marketing polls. These citizens, are paying for that road you are speeding on. They are paying for the emergency medical service that is going to pick up the carnage that you illegal actions might result in. They are paying for the policeman who is going to take evidence of your illegal driving habits. They are paying for the judge who is going to conduct your homocide trial, and they are paying the insurance policies so that their children will not want if you kill them by you illegal selfish actions. Take my advice, don't effectively be a sniper, follow the Virginia motor vehicle code.

Fine letters one and all. I really don’t have anything to add, nothing that hasn’t already been said in better words than I would have used. Outstanding job, gentlemen, simply outstanding.

I hope we can make a difference.

Now, on to porn.

I've been using a program called Xplayer for a while now, and I think you should check it out.

The guy who made it says it’s a lot like a single speed. He wasn’t going for pretty or fancy, just something that works simply and works well. I think he hit the nail on the head.

For me, the best part is how it doesn’t soak up a lot of resources like windows media player does. I can play video while doing other things. We like to call it ‘porn multi-tasking’.

It’s something we’re very proud of around here.

You can download a free version of it here. Make sure to try it out on this kick ass Brianna Banks video.

Of course, that fact you can isolate and loop the best part of a video, and then grab a slider and slow it way down, to get a really good look at the goings on, now that's the addictive part. Brianna Banks in close-up slowmo had me on fire over here. I needed a little jonny time after that one.

And finally, this in from Ward. ‘Cause he knows about this type of thing apparently.

How to have Rodeo Sex:
1. Get wife in good doggy position.
2. reach up with both hands and get her by the hair.
3. pull her head back as far as you can.
4. lean down and whisper in her ear "this is how my girlfriend likes to do it"
5. Try to hang on for 8 seconds.

Hey man, that sounds like a great idea. You try it first.

Let me know how it goes.

Monday, October 28, 2002

devon   I   erica campbell   I   lesbians

It’s Monday. My head hurts and my car has a flat tire. Yee haa.

From: Geoff Subject: Ouch Fuck those developer pricks and their comments on your site. ANYONE even REMOTELY into beers, biking, or porn knows that drunkcylist.com is where it's at. Anyway, just got back from a full 2.5 day bender on the east coast with my buddy Cleatus. (Everyone should have a friend named Cleatus.) I haven't had a drink since the second 2 AM on Sunday and I'm still hungover. I started with PBRs on the road at 9 AM Friday and ended with shots of something that tasted something similar to monkey shit (not that I've ever eaten monkey shit). Add spicy food shits and horrible pepper-induced intestinal pain on top of the hangover I had all day yesterday and you may get the idea of how my weekend ended. However, it couldn't have been any worse than the elderly folks I had to sit next to for the 3.5 hour flight from Chi-town to Boise who smelled like a mix between a 3 day old warm diaper and rotten eggs. I very nearly puked on this woman she reeked so badly. Nothing like the smelly elderly to cap off a weekend of constant binge drinking.

Geoff, You are an absolute riot. I myself I’m pretty fucking hung over from my weekends fun. I’m certainly grateful I wasn’t subjected to anything other than my own sweet stench on the drive back down to Tucson yesterday. I went big to end Roctober for 2002. This is the drinking month. My only regret is not meeting up with Snake and drinking his sissy ass under the table. I own that guy.

I have vague memories of the Super Secret Scary Halloween party. Hazy recollections of women doing body shots off my fat, hairy belly out in the desert Saturday night. Some girl asked me, so you’re the guy from drunkcyclist and the next thing I know I’m getting dollars bills stuffed in my kilt.

That’s right, I said kilt.

I’m sure someone will email me pictures of my balls hanging out of that fucking thing any day now. Oh, it’s going to be great.

This letter has a way to familiar feel to it. I know I’ve linked to and ranted against this type of thing in that past. It seems ignorance is always with us in some shape or form.

From: William Subject: I think we all need to send this guy a message. The speed limit on this road is 35, btw. roanoke.com/roatimes/news/story138524.html I couldn't find a direct way to respond, but the editor's email is mike.riley@roanoke.com

I think we all need to send that guy a messages as well. Now, be aware that Mr. Riley is not the man who wrote the letter. It is an opinion piece penned by Michael Gaffney. I already sent my nice message to Mr. Riley, who was nice enough to remind me of that.

Now, Mr. Gaffney on the other hand needs to be brought up to speed on a few issues. How much of a idiot do you have to be in order to think the pavement is for you alone? What the fuck is wrong with people?

I pay taxes, just like you do. I get to use the roads as much as you do. We are all equal, none of us having any more rights than the other. Get it?

Bikes belong.

From: bobby Subject: [No Subject] We gotta get more people to use the message board. I can't believe that people that like to read your rants don't have something to say for themselves. Come on you bunch of drunks, SPEAK UP!

There ya have it folks.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

chanel   I   brianna banks   I   lesbians

Here is what some professional web developers have to say about drunkcyclist.com. They don’t seem to like it very much. Click here for the whole enchilada.

Those guys are the best. They probably have no idea how much they’ve entertained me with those critiques.

I hit the Scary Secret Halloween Party out in the desert last night. You can see there are some pics up at flight of the pigs.

Check this pic of the gnome. Nice flower kid.

That and I’m 16% gay. At least according to the gay test. Maybe I shouldn’t have said I trim the pubic hair now and again?

Fuck, that ain’t gay. That’s maintenance.

Saturday, October 26, 2002

zuzana   I   katalina   I   3 jenna galleries

Saturday. At long last. I can’t wait to get drunk again tonight. This off season thing is all right, baby. No sobriety, no remorse, no problem.

I gave Justin all week to write me a nice little race report as he just won the Cochise County Classic last weekend. Well, he didn’t do it. So, now it’s time to publicly humiliate him.

From: ass Subject: Only 92 miles for Justin? Hey.. from the land of Cheese. Yeah I moved here working for the man of bikes. Anyway...Congrats to Justin on his First place and all....but fucking soft he is. Only 92 miles for him?

Yeah, and if you listen to Justin describe it, you’d think he just cured cancer.

Here is a pic of me, the big man, mere moments before the start of the single speed world championships and my subsequent implosion. Check out how happy I look right before I find out what spending the previous weekend in Vegas will do to your legs, and that I really can't ride a 32 - 18 up any hill, any where, any day.

Humble pie, my brothers, humble pie. Thanks to Chipps at singletrack world for emailing me the pic.

And just when I thought I’d seen everything.

Friday, October 25, 2002

juki   I   daisy   I   sona   I   ashley

I’ve decided my arizona single speed (ASS) page needs a serious overhaul. It had been so long since I’d done anything to that page, that I forgot the links weren’t the same as the rest of the site. I had a few guys buried back there without even really realizing it.

Well, I brought ‘em up outta the basement. I’ve imported a few folks over this way ‘cause they really deserve to be more prominently located.

Say hello to, blue collar, vicious cycles, fireman and rivendell. Good people making good stuff.

And of course, everyone needs a little sheldon brown in their lives.

I’ll be doing something with the ass page, I just don’t really know what that is yet. Probably something a little more mainstream and race related. Or, maybe I’ll just post pics of friends vomiting instead. Could go either way.

From: oli Subject: front page image Hey big guy It's one of those strange eating english guys here. Like the picture on the front page. That's me on the far right and the only one riding...raaaarrrrrrr. Cheers for taking the picture then 'cause think I walked the rest of it. take care big American guy. death to the North Mexicans.

You gave it hell, Oli, be proud. I walked, or rather, stumbled, tripped and slid down that mine shaft of a trail. I needed a hang glider to negotiate terrain that steep.

It was fun, wasn’t it?

And watching you guys have your breakfast was one of the trips many highlights. I simply could not believe what your man phil the horse was consuming. It amazes me he that he even survives.

From: Adam Subject: National Collegiate Champ. Crit Pics You wanted the Pictures, here they are! Glad I could contribute to this kick ass site. Yeah I'm racing, but I'm not telling which one I am because it was really cold that night. This was the biggest naked crit I have seen. Thanks to the huge audience for the cheers, beer, and water balloons. Oh yeah, the cop was the one that broke up the fun. Great site. Keep posting the porn. Go LMC. Just in case you are wondering, yes there was a guy with a road flare up his ass.

So here are a ton of pics from the famed naked crit last weekend at the collegiate nationals. Remember, clicky makey biggy.

                                               

I’m not really sure, but I think I’d have been out there. I mean, chaps? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. How cool is that? Like, did she bring them with because nothing says style like ass-less chaps?

Questions need answers.

From: Tall Paul Subject: Fwd: Too cool not to share: Ok all you bike geeks, let's all say it together..."Ooh, ahh". How cool is this picture? 21 of the 22 living Tour champions on one stage. Hinault and LeMond side by side, without throwing punches, nobody punching Fignon, Miguel kneeling in front of everybody (the only one to win 5 in a row), Merckx (nothing needs to be added)... it just escapes superlatives.

What else can you say about these guys? You are looking at a whole fucking lot of talent right there. Sniff, I love you guys.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

nikita cash   I   anetta keys   I   nikki nova

Today just feels like a reader mail kinda day. I’ve got nothing to say and even less time to say it in. Go figure.

From: Hanley Subject: full moon Fuck this night. I thought my SS Pinarello was unstoppable. I pull a 5 pm to 4am shift at work delivering on my bike. at 11:30 my handlebar snaps in half as I drop off a curb. I somehow maintain control and grab the stem and I daftly made it over the next curb to the safety of grass where I slow, only to have the right side of handlebar stick in the spokes and flip me into the grass. Fuck! I have to ride back two miles holding onto the bar as if it where still attached. A quick fix with duct tape and I can ride the rest of the night with one hand. Then some drunk fucker tried to steal my bike from plain site. After a few punches and more words I got my crippled baby back. Then the guys who stole my back decide to throw a rock through the store window. I return to see two guys on foot running from another deliverer on his bike and I take chase on my limping baby. I can keep up with the guy but I can't get off of my bike quickly with only one hand (I know it sounds easy but try it sometime) I finally get into a cat and mouse game with him, with him on one side of a car and me on the other. I tell him to stay there until the cops come, cause if he runs I'll catch him. he asks If I'm going to hit him, to which I counter, "not unless you try to run again." So we wait there until the cops come and haul him off to jail. Now I have to deal with cop crap, descriptions and accounts and what not. Fuck me it's a god damned Monday. I get out of work at 4:30 and make the lonely ride back home across the bridge with my faithful steed. A couple PBR's now and ready for sleep too. Thanks for listening, I've got to go check out some porn now

Hell of a story and one worthy of a full moon night. The craziness always comes out on a full moon, doesn’t it.

My man Tom sent in a collection of pics he called, "only in America". Right on. Just click the links below to see ‘em yourself.

One more for the Stella files.

From: Man Subject: [no subject] yo big J! it's tough not to dig a chick like Stella! So, those of us who are fans of both your site and Stella quickly recognized your recently posted banner. Dennis, the tattooed cross dressing, big man himself was up in Portland racing X with Stella and asked her if she was aware that she was now famous and posted on your site. "Well Stella, it's actually just a shot of your chest"......... "Was I wearing anything?" Just got to love the girl......and she's nice ta boot! enjoy the toe....sure wish I could.

When I put that new title banner up, I was actually thinking of her brand. The one on her arm, for winning the Worlds. But, I won’t turn down a good chest shot either. Not in this lifetime.

I vaguely remember talking to Stella sometime after the sswc, when I was all loaded. I’m sure I came across as a yammering jackass. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Go check yourself on the gay-o-meter.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

devon   I   ashley robbins   I   monique dane

Yaa tee dah motherfuckers. I am now officially bored. Click here for the cool person test.

I am ready to start riding again. Justin stopped by today in his new Cochise Classic shirt, carrying a trophy. Bastard.

From: Dave Subject: collegiate nationals Hey, I was racing for U of A last weekend at collegiate nationals, and there was some awesome naked crit. action going on. I don't know who has pictures, but there have got to be some good ones floating around. A bunch of naked guys, a couple of girls, and even a team duo couple were riding around all naked like. I'm sure you have better sources then I do, so I'm excepting to see some pictures on the site.

Two words: send pics.

And, who doesn’t like a little cameltoe action now and again?

Go check out romp.com. Thanks to Lou for the link.

So, ya think ya like fixed gears?

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

adriana sage   I   vivian   I   ashley robbins

I got this the mail from my man Mellon Ball. That’s right, I said mellon and then I said ball. Check out isfunsoft.myrice.com/swf/peeping.swf.

Is that you, satan?

Ah, yes, the off season. Soak it up, it’s going to be going again full swing in just a few short weeks.

From: Keith Subject: I’m a fucker Looks like I missed the worlds, again. I'm a shit head. There's always next year. I guess getting so drunk with a chick that she had a seizure and spent 3 days in the hospital wasn't a good idea - true story. That's how I spent last week. Anyway, according to Dub Magazine - the magazine celebrating automobile lifestyles and 20" wheels on cars (Dubs, hence the name) - Ice-T the rapper has a new music projects called 'Sex Money Guns". The gangbang fucker owes you something for that idea. Hit him up. You need money. He's got a couple of tv shows and shit. I can see it now: "DrunkCyclist sponsored by Ice-T" dubmagazine.com. Check this out. I bought a copy in the ghetto and it had Ice-T on the cover. I come out to the beach, and Tony Hawk is on the cover. Same magazine. Same content.

The only thing I found worth a shit on that dub site was this.

Here are some links from a guy names Mike.

And just when you thought you couldn’t hate hippies enough, ya get something like this in the mail. I mean, come fucking on.

From: Sarah Subject: it’s ok jonny it's ok jonny...life isn't that bad....be happy and think of pink flowers and fuzzy bunny rabbits...see don't you feel better already?

Lets get something straight right now, shortstack. Fuck flowers, fuck bunnies and fuck you.

Monday, October 21, 2002

heather   I   close enough   I   kelsey

Oh we’re getting it all sorted now. Yes we are indeed.

You should have seen the Gnomes face when I cracked open the last Pabst last night. I thought he was gonna cry.

This morning at the local coffee shop I heard, "So, you’re in full off season mode, eh?"

Hell yeah buddy. Hairy legs, full beard, sleeping into 8:00 am and avoiding bikes like the plague. Unless it’s riding to the coffee shop on a Kona cruiser. That I can handle.

Especially with the scenery we have on the U of A campus. I don’t know how I even stay upright with all the boob action down there. It’s criminal, I tell ya.

From: Cheryl Subject: beer in Portland Hey, I thought you might like to see how we celebrate victory here in Portland. I also threw in a token shot of Stella racing just because.

     

Yeah, that’s the goods right there. Wellsie is a nutcase. And that girl Stella put 16 hours into me at the sswc. Git at ‘em. It is a good thing I don't race cross.

I had to pull all the remaining video and mp3 files today. It’s a drag, but thems the breaks. I won’t whine about it anymore, sniff, goodbye cruel world.

Fuck it, check this out.

From: filthy lover Subject: don’t knock reno to much its only full of meth heads Hey big man just got back from the states yesterday, no sleep on the flight, drove down to brighton to see fugazi, oh my god they rocked so hard it was fucking awesome however 30 hours with out sleep and driving are a bad idea but it was well worth it! reno is not so bad, they have a bar with those minature bikes the really tiny ones, a few pints of highlife(the champagne of bears apparently) and those bikes are the greatest invention in the world especially when you re trying to derby with your housemate who ways alot less than you but used to play rugby alot and hence knows how to take people down hard, i still havent recovered i will send in some pics when i get hold of them if they turned out ok, oh and 24hr bars are really fucking dangerous to a englishman who is used to stopping drinking at about 11pm. well i am damn impressed with your fine nation all you need is a leader not intent on finishing his daddys work, cars that actually go around corners fast and it would rock very hard for what i saw and as for sun in october that is just not fair i am enjoying the traditional english rain and shit now and sulking alot, ahh sex sun and bikes what more do you need? -- the hors lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music.

Ah, yes. The Englishman speaks. You sir, are a hero among men. And the High Life is the fucking campaign of beers. Don’t you forget it. I don’t even know how to spell campaign.

I learned something today it seems. Beyond the usual reinforcement of life sucks, life sucks and life sucks.

Sunday, October 19, 2002

damn   I   lesbians   I   zdenka

These are two sites I spent way to much time on last night, liquid generation and the spanish guide over at azwardriving.com.

I’m new to this whole wardriving and warchaulking idea. But, I kinda dig it. Free internet access for those willing to try. Fucking bizarre.

I’ve also blown big time on littlecritter and traci lords official website. I think the unofficial websites are way more interesting, ‘cause then ya git to see pics of her all naked. Or, if ya feel like getting your read on, click here

Fucking spooner is back around. Why am I always the last to hear about these things? His site rules.

It never seems to stay around for long, but I’ll link it until it tanks again. Listen to me talking, my site could tank next week for all know. A word to the wise, co-located servers are not on the cheap.

All that and a bag of chips.

So I get this email, and I’m like, holy shit Rene, that's like twenty galleries you just sent me. I don't know how in the hell you found all those, but I ain't complaining one bit. I’ll just post them in one big list.

On to the sad news.

Since this sites increase in popularity the last few weeks, I’ve seen the traffic double. Unfortunately that means about a 300% increase in how much it will cost me to keep this site online.

I’m trying to find ways to keep this thing going, but fuck, money is money any way you look at it.

And I’m now a full fledged member of the lumps, money is the one thing I don't have. Lately Unemployed and Mostly Partying. Fuck it, this is the offseason. Time to get fat.

Saturday, October 18, 2002

chloe   I   susana spears   I   jenna and brittany kissing vids

Wow, I have a hangover and a new trash can this morning. I know, it sounds a little weird. But, I assure you it is true. Something about 4 Budweisers in a bucket for 4 dollars. So, now I have a bucket.

Yeah, it was quite a night. I went out with Sarah, Julz and the Gnome. We took care of business. At least I did. I just like swilling beers. And when you have a place in town like Chez Lounge, and they sell a beer like Pabst for a price like a dollar, well, we’re talking big fun for everyone.

I pretty much just stumbled into the right bar at the right time and saw a kick ass band called greyhound soul. I guess they’ve been around Tucson forever and a day, but I haven’t. So, it’s all new to me.

And my man Michele Bartoli won the Giro di Lombardia. Fuck yeah. Can I call ‘em or what?

Not too well it turns out. I’m pretty sure I said Bettini was a punk at the beginning of the year and here he is the World Cup champion. And he won Liege for the second time this year.

OK, thanks Benjamin for sending in this huge collection of sydney moon galleries. She’s about to become the new drunkcyclist official hottie.

All apologies to jenna, but fuck, I’ve just looked at each and every one of those galleries with nothing less that scientific scrutiny.

Um, I don’t think I can stand up right now.

Here is a guide to beers from around the world. Good to know I can hurt myself all over.

And this is a nice little gallery someone sent in. Wanna run someone down in your car? Probably not a good idea unless you happen to like long vacations behind bars. Fuck it, click here for a link to a fun little game of pedestrian killer.

Friday, October 18, 2002

bobbi eden   I   kathryn lee   I   nikita denise

There is some talk over at Velonews that the, "Giro di Lombardia may turn out to be to be another celebration of the new cooperation among Italian pros." Yeah right. I vote no way. And I’ll tell ya why in two words: Michele Bartoli.

You don’t think Bartoli would like to beat Paulo Bettini this Saturday? Or at least help him lose?

It was Bartoli who wasn’t invited to join the Italian team at the world championship. It was Bartoli and Bettini who had a nasty falling out a few years back, after Bettini "forgot" to lead out Bartoli in the world championship. After that, neither one of them could remain on the same team.

Remember Bettini used to work for Bartoli, sacrificing himself for his team leader. But, that was a long time ago, and now Bettini can win races in his own right.

That’s what I think anyway.

So, I’m at my night class. On my left I’ve got the typing freak from hell banging out every last syllable. And on my right, some bozo working on a practice test for his MCSE online. That in and of itself isn’t that annoying, but he had to read every question out loud.

Some of them even twice.

I’m stuck in-between a rock and a hard place. With no way out.

Good news for all you guys looking for the results at the single speed world championships. They are online at youreatotalfagifyouseriouslywantyourresults.com.

Oops, my bad, I think that url is really yourafuckingtotalyfagifyourserious.com/results_you_pussy.hitler. My bad, dog. Honest mistake.

Now stop emailing me about it.

From: Cullen Subject: [No Subject] Thought you might like to see this webcam that some guy's set up in his back garden: paulwilson.me.uk. And when are you going to link our site, BIKEmagic.com?

Well, you’re linked now, ain’t ya sweetheart?

From: Joe Subject: linkage Hey jonny can you put my site up as a link on drunkcyclist? I make bad ass fixed gear hubs - chubhub.com thanks and I'll put you up as well of course.

Same deal. You are now linked.

And, this is a nice lead in to my next deal. I’ve got way to many links going on all over the damn place. Mostly over there on the left. I need to sort out this trainwreck. I’ll be carving the bikes sites section into a few new smaller ones like news, builders, singlespeed and the like. Hey, I gotta do something.

Mike sent this link in and says, "I don’t even have the words…"

I do. He’s a fucking murderer. And he got away with it because he’s rich. Money buys a lot in this country and it fucking sucks.

And here I am sitting in a one bedroom apartment trying to make my slapdick pill party website at least break even for fucking once. This thing is a fucking money pit. And "the juice" is out playing golf.

Ah, fuck it.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

tabitha   I   nikki   I   zdenka

For whatever it’s worth, someone from across the pond sent me an envelope with a dollar in it last week. I figure they want a sticker, just like everyone else who send me a buck in the mail. So far so good. But the problem is there is no note inside and no return address. Just my name on the outside.

I have no idea who this is from, so whoever you are, I have your dollar. Get at me and I’ll get ya that sticker.

Now, I’ll probably get about a hundred guys claiming that dollar. That’s just the kind of site I’m running here. Total slapdick.

How about Cippo winning the Worlds? Not to fucking shabby for a 35 year old. Maybe there is hope for us old dogs. Read all about it at cyclingnews.com.

There are some pics from the single speed worlds up at mbtr. Someone linked it off the message board yesterday, and I’ll link them again now. Click here and then click over here.

I’m sure there are more over in the mtbr.com forum if you’re willing to dig around a bit.

I’m pretty sure I took one of those pics for old shiggy. He asks nicely and I figured, sure, I’ll take your picture, what the hell? What am I gonna lose, more time? Ha ha ha. I’m so far off the pace I may as well just enjoy the view. And I did.

Looks like I wasn’t the only one giving it hell for all the boys at Iwo Jima. Fuck no, single speeds are everywhere.

From: Mike Creed Subject: Fixed Gear I know its not the same, but I thought I would take a page out of your book at ride a single speed at the World TT championships. I didn’t win, but hey only one guy gets to do that. There are some pics on cyclingnews.

Fuck man, it’s close enough. I don’t imagine you needed to coast all that much anyway. Just throw yourself in the hurt locker and pound it.

Like I have any idea what that’s like, right?

Here are some pics off cyclingnews.com. This is his bike, and this here is a very big gear.

He ran a 56 x 14. Damn. I ran a 32 x 18 and still had to walk. Fuck me.

From: Robert Subject: It’s a Charity Ride. Hey Johnny, Long time listener, first time caller here, lots of dittos.....We at Absolute Bikes are sponsoring the Biking With a Mission Ride in Sedona this year. Its a century (or 40 miler) that rides the highways of the Verde Valley. It benefits the Old Town Mission in Cottonwood, a non-profit do-good organization that helps feed hungry people in the Cottonwood area. The link for info on the ride is absolutebikes.net. Please help us spread the word and get lots-o-people out for the ride.

That sounds worth doing. If I wasn’t such a lazy fucking bastard I’d probably consider getting out of this chair and riding my bike. Nah. Fuck it, chair and fridge full of beer wins again.

More in the upcoming events category, the Mayors Cup race is returning to Payson next week. Be there or be square. Me? I"m square.

From: Dan Basinski Subject: payson mayors cup Hey Jon, nice hangin' with ya this past....here is flyer....

My man, you just have a way with words. Direct and to the point I’d say.

I’m sure of two things. It’ll be a great event and I ain’t doing it. I’m holding off for November. Then the mapping of the pain cave starts up again.

From: Response Subject: Bicas I spent the Worlds in Tucson because old Pistol Pete's wussy hurt and I wasn't about to go without my partner in crime. Took the bus and ended up at Bicas to rent a bike. They didn't have exactly what I was looking for so they built one out of spare parts in a few minutes. I was fucking impressed by these cats. I had a great time cruising drinking and shooting. Might be moving our world headquarters to old Tucson. If that turns out to be the case, I will not be contributing to the stucco housing, suv driving, latte sucking, former Californian, anti gun, pro development bullshit that is cropping up on the OTHER side of town. Those people can all fuck themselves and go move to Irvine Ca or most of Orange county for that matter, where they can be extremely small fish in the big plastic swimming pool of fakeness that they try and perpetuate. Poseur yuppies LOL!!!

Sounds like you hit all the high points of the worlds all on your own. Maybe you could have slept on the ground a few nights for good measure, but an outstanding job none the less.

And if you’re coming to Tucson, I may as well put in for a liver transplant and get a lawyer on retainer now. This could get messy.

I can’t wait.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

courtney   I   teen dreamer   I   devon

"The malls are the soon to be ghost towns, well so long, farewell, goodbye..." modest mouse.

I’m slowly getting back to normal. Kinda. Sorta. Pretty much.

I had steak for dinner, with yams and pickled cabbage. Washed down with four cans of pabst blue ribbon. Thanks to Adrian for the twelve pack. Yeah, it made it all the way back from Downieville to my fridge in Tucson.

OK, fuck this shit, lets have a look at that email.

Spence from liquorgunsandporn.com is doing this, the booty ride.

Here’s what he has to say about it: "The deal is a 24-hour road ride on a nice little 3-mile circuit in Charlotte, NC, that goes right in front of Queens University (yummy coeds). It'll be open for solo and 4-person relay teams in the spring, and all proceeds go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. It may turn into a crazy-ass RAGBRAI type ride, even if only for one-day. Who knows?"

Raise money for charity and have a good time? Sounds like a win - win from where I’m standing. Even though I’m sitting. You get the idea.

Mike writes, "That's one biker not to fuck with." I'm inclined to agree with his assessment. Click here for the whole story.

Yardsale says this is our new theme song. He may be right.

David writes, "What you call erasers we call rubbers, what you call rubbers we call jonnies. So a site run by a Big Jonny can never be 'clean'. Thank God. Amen."

Amen indeed.

Oh, and this is a test from Phillip.

Laura from Holland always delivers the goods. And I mean always. Check out these two sites. It ain’t always what you’ll think it’ll be, but it’s always good. Click here and then over here. And remember to say thank you.

Um, this was not a good idea.

From: Charlie Subject: ‘ello guv Nice to see things are all bikes and beer stateside. Us english folk have been busy. I organize the world orienBEERing championships (like crappy old orienteering but with bikes and beer), and the clunker classic, both beer/bike events. I'm also 105th best SSer in the world 'til this weekend. I've attached the clunker race report and hope that you will stick it on your site, the yanks put in a good effort and it was a race to death - I will be scared for life.

Click here for that race report. Looks like those boys know how to get it done.

Here is some more mail from across the pond.

From: malcolm Subject: Yippie; no more races till next year. Yahoo ! Racing and daily training over for another season. Which means gym work and the dreaded turbo trainer. Hey I'm glad your site is back up because I need your humour to brighten things up as the weather gets wet and cold and the evenings get darker here in little old England ! To celebrate crashing and making more scar tissue in my last road race I went and got drunk. For 4 nights in a row. Last night was fun; some of us from this hotel I'm at went into a number of bars in Manchester and sampled as much beer as possible, then went to a casino in Salford. Salford is probably the worst town in NW England, dereliction, drugs, drive-by shootings so a bit like LA. The casino wasn't Vegas. Oh no sir, but the wheels span and there were plenty of folks happy to take my money. This morning I woke up in my hotel room, I noticed the light was on, the tv was on and I was fully dressed. Well that saved me having to get out of bed and get dressed. One of my companions in last nights lairiness said I did well on the wheels. News to me, all I could remember was a miserable croupier taking my cash. As I walked into the office I discovered a wad of notes in my back pocket. All I need to do is work out how much I took out the ATM helpfully situated in the casino lobby to see if its more or less than the cash in my pocket. Tonight I'm laying off the beer. Which doesn't mean I'm drinking wine, it means water only. I need a few days of water to prepare for next weeks adventures of the liquid variety.

Right fucking on man, I’m taking a well deserved break myself. After this weekends thrashing I need to just chill for awhile. And, I happen to like drinking, so I’ll just concentrate on that for a while. I might look at my bikes again around November. Maybe.

We’ll just see how that goes. Fucking Justin had already been by the house today with full kit trying to entice the Gnome and I back into service. He’s got big plans for some long ass rides. Some of them are even overnighters. I’m so going to die.

Chris from up in Canada sent in this link. Ouch. Yowza.

OK, I’m ending his little pill party with this one last link. I’ll see you in hell.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

sydney moon   I   tiffany   I   bobbi eden

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Single speed worlds, what a fucking weekend. 950 mile drive, sleep on the ground, get real drunk, sleep on the ground, ride for fucking ever, get real drunk, sleep on the ground, 950 mile drive.

I’m sitting in my apartment wondering what in the hell just happened to me. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my attention span is gone. Coffee isn’t working, beer isn’t working and worst of all, porn isn’t working.

I may as well shut the windows and put my head in the gas oven. Just end this now.

Fuck.

I’ve been in Tucson around four nights out of the last four weeks. I’ve got no food, no money and well, you get the idea. It’s time to start working again for the big man, as much as I hate to admit it.

And I do hate to admit it.

I imagine I should say a few things about the single speed worlds, as it just took ten years off my life.

Made it to Flagstaff, Arizona Wednesday night at 2:30 am. Pass out on the ground and watch the stars through the trees. I wonder what I’m getting into?

Meet up with Sarah, a girl I ran into at Ragbrai this year. She’s going out to Downieville with the Gnome and I just for shits and giggles. She told me she tries to never pass up a chance to go somewhere she’s never been before.

Sounds A-oh-fucking-Kay to me.

We head west, then north. Through Kingman, over the Hoover Damn, and blaze through Las Vegas. Then out into the great wide open where whore houses fly like so many mileposts. We’re making good time. Three friends, three bikes and one big Buick. This is going to be a good trip.

I hand the wheel over to the Gnome and hit the store for a six-pack. OK, I grab a twelve pack instead. The girl at the counter, God bless ‘er, tells me, oh, you want the 18 pack.

Really, why?

Well, this is $10.49 and the 18 pack is only $10.99.

I tell her I’ll be right back. Shit, an extra six beers for .50 cents? How cool is that? I’ll tell ya this much, this candle’s getting lit right now.

After much deliberation I have decided Reno is best seen at 85 miles per hour. Floor it and keep on trunkin; there ain’t nothin to see here.

Not after spending last weekend and most of my soul in Vegas. After that, Reno is about as impressive as Atlantic City. And that ain’t very impressive at all. I've taken more impressive shits.

We’re into some road construction and Gnome notices the engine stuttering a bit. He looks down at the gas gauge and, well, yes, it’s on empty. The little red light that usaully alerts the driver to such things, yeah, it's on.

We Roll into Truckee, Cali-fucking-fornia, somehow we've made it on fumes. Open the door and I’m falling out of the car. I find six or seven spend cartridges around my feet and stuffed in-between the door and car seat. I manage to get them in the trash and even open another. I am totally flagged.

And it’s a good thing the Gnome is driving. Bastard damn near ran the tank dry on us and he even pegged a bat. Fucking bat killer.

Day three. I’m actually in Downieville and it looks like I’m early. We have breakfast and try to register. Ha ha, jokes on you fuckstick. Registration will happen when we say it will and not a moment sooner.

I hang out in the bar with Garro. We’re drinking long necks and they’re going down like water. Is it even noon yet? When can I register and get the hell on my bike already, fuck.

I’m just busting balls. This was a well put together event from top to bottom. And it was no small task I’m sure. I can’t imagine the man hours put into an event such as this. I don’t know the names of half the people involved, so let me just say thanks to all of you right now. Great job all around.

When I pulled my bike off the roof rack, I was surprised to find our dead bat friend wrapped completely around the little piece connecting the seat stays, right above the rear tire. Fucking sick little splattered bastard must have lasted a hundred miles up there.

I figure he bought the ticket, he’s taking the ride. I zip tied him down and decided to take him racing. I named him crash. I found it somehow meaningful and appropriate.

The Gnome and I think about catching a shuttle to the top and pre-riding the second half of the course. Neither of us can get past the whole shuttling part, kinda dumb idea isn’t it? Friends don’t let friends shuttle.

So we try our luck at the climb instead. We’re camping across the street from the race start and the bottom of what I was told was an eleven mile climb. A local told me, Oh, I spin out my 2 - 1 on that climb. It’s not bad.

Either he’s in a whole lot better shape than I am or he was trying to kill me. Maybe both. After climbing for an hour, I come to the concusion that I had better gear down. A 32 - 18 sounds a whole lot better than the 36 - 18 I’m trying to push up this beast. Easy climb my ass.

I mistakenly believe I can climb anything eleven miles long in under two hours with my new and improved lower gearing. To paraphrase Bob Roll on descending Gavia in the Giro on that epic day when Andy Hampsten took the lead, I have never been so wrong about anything in my life.

I stood, I swore, I walked, and it took me a whole lot longer then two hours. I hung out in the "laughing group". That climb went on for fucking ever. And, once I passed the first aid station, I mistakenly believed the climbing part was over with and it was all going to be downhill from there on out.

Um, no. Not really. Up, down, over, around and fucking up again. For ever. I died a thousand deaths out there. It was pretty hard, I’ll tell ya that. One of the hardest loops I’ve ever done, and easily the hardest thing I've ever raced. If they were trying to make it hard, they succeeded.

The strongest man and woman won that day, that’s for sure.

The best part about going so slow is the company you keep. Back in the laughing group I was riding with my man Joshua from Jericho, a welder from Independent, guys from all kinds of websites (none as cool as mine), a girl from Bianchi and a guy from Pauls Components. Even a guy on a drop bar Matt Chester with fenders. It was fun back there.

And, going as slow as I was, most of the race came by me at some point. I saw about 6 or 7 people wearing red drunkcyclist jerseys. Now, considering I only sold 38 of those bad boys, that is a pretty damn good representation.

At the second aid station, Steve told me they were cutting it off in ten more minutes. There were people all over the trail at this point, and many were not going to make it. A little bit down the trail there was a turn off, a short cut. I thought about it, even made a wrong turn and started down it. Nah, I didn’t come all the way out here to not finish.

And, this close to the back, I could be last. Last. Think about that one a minute. Dead fucking last. How cool would that be?

I hatched a plan. Go even slower. Walk everything. Get dropped on purpose. Hell, I’ve been getting dropped all day, this is going to be easy.

I stopped, sat on a log and ate a cliff bar. I stopped every time a decent view point afforded itself. I stopped at every rock, log, switchback, you name it. I let everyone who came up to me go by.

I asked everyone if they had made the check point. Many had not. This might actually happen. I might be in last place.

Well, to make a long story short, it didn’t work out. There were all kinds of people on the trail, and try as I did, I just couldn’t get to the back. Once I got onto the last two miles of single track, I cracked. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was actually pedaling up hills. I stopped stopping. I finished and I wasn’t last.

Damn.

Travis Brown took it home for the men’s side of things and a really nice girl named Stella won the women’s title. I’m sorry, but I just don’t remember her last name. They both got branded and everyone got loaded.

The beer was flowing and it seems everyone likes to give Canadians shit. At least I did. I told one guy we love you Canadians here in the states, sure, you guys are great. You’re like our 51st state.

He told me to fuck off.

I got a chance to talk to Travis Brown at one point during the night as people were handing me beers left and right. I started feeding him lagers and asking about the race. He told me he ran two to one gearing and had been in town for a the week. He had prerode the course with some of the locals a few days back, and they were putting some time into him on the downhills. I figure knowing your own trails accounts for that. He said that just meant he had to make sure none of those guys were anywhere near him at the top of the climb.

Looks like his plan worked. I asked him about the brand, did it smell like bacon when they burned ya? No, he replied, it just smelled bad. I’ll bet.

Now, Stella I didn’t get a chance to talk to very much. Not because she was distancing herself from the public, not by any means. It’s just that I started swilling down the free beer like it was water, and my memory starts to get a bit fuzzy.

I do know she told me the brand didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would. She said the climb hurt a lot worse, so it was OK. I can relate to that one. That climb fucking sucked ass.

I’m a strong climber, for those of you who don’t already know this. At six foot four and two hundred fifteen pounds I literally fly uphill. It’s a joy.

I woke up the next morning to discover I had been camping next to Phil the Horse for two days. I love that guy, what a fucking riot. He’s a long time contributer to the site with his great emails detailing the adventures across the pond. To borrow a phrase, simply brilliant.

Watching him eating breakfast was one of the highlights of the weekend for me. He spread margarine on two pieces of bread, humus over the margarine on one side, then smashed potato chips in a pile on top of all that. Spread on the hot sauce and consume. Repeat as necessary till no longer hungry.

Fucking amazing watching him eat. Amazing. And the rest of his buddies do not fail to disappoint in the entertainment category. After sitting around bullshitting for a few minutes, one of his mates pops his head out of a tent flap with a short, ‘ello. Startled I ask how may more are in there?

Without missing a beat one of the others replies, four. He then proceeds to show how his one hand is without feeling by pressing his cigarette against the fingertips and pulling things like hot dogs and toasted bagels off the fire. Says its "nerve damage".

And so it went. They make good coffee, served chocolate with hot sauce. I thought, what??? Chocolate with hot sauce? Don’t knock it till you try it. It’s actually pretty good.

The Brits were heading to Reno for some action at the skatepark and shooting range. They figured while they were in the states, they ought to shoot some guns. I agreed. One of them wondered if you could pick your target. He wanted to shoot something with a maple leaf.

Wednesday, October 9, 2002

sydney moon   I   tera patrick   I   aria giovanni

As much as I cannot believe it, I am leaving tonight to go back on the road. I just fucking got back here yesterday and I’m already packing to leave again. I feel like some kind of demented traveling salesman. I go around and talk to people, but nothing get sold, I just get real drunk.

I am nothing if not effective.

I also have the very real threat of another site shut down on the horizon. As soon as everyone gets back from the trade show and into their normal routines, I am fucked. The site traffic will go through the roof again and blammo. The switch will get thrown and the site will go bye-bye for awhile.

That’s just the way it is, baby.

This is the band I saw Saturday night, burn it down. Muy bueno.

If anyone has any mp3’s by those guys, well, I’d like one. I’m going to try and find something in the record store today, but with my luck I’ll just get hit by a car.

OK, lets have some links.
ist-socrates.berkeley.edu/~fajans/pub/pdffiles/StopSignsAccess.pdf
shawnsdomain.com/xxxgallery/mar/publicly_naked/08.html

From: dennis Subject: SSW VS DFL Outlaw hey Jonny been readin your site for a long time.... some seriously funny shit on there. I will be missing SSW for CX race. The SS scene is cool, but I am a truly big guy and there is no way I can push a 2:1 up anything. I do think you need to know about the other way cool scene we have out here.....the very finest in Outlaw Racing. The 7th Annual DFL Outlaw Cyclocross- Cross Dressing Race Series.. it is pretty simple, no permits, no BS, just show with $5 or a dress [then its free] and race. Lads, Lasses, SS or whatever. all go at once, 45 minutes or an hour of pain. Series Winners for men and women, then Best Dressed and DFL [Dead Fucking Last] I won the DFL prize last year and am not a whole faster than last year. They said the were charging double if you wore team undies [lycra].Well, I run a team for SyCip and actually own some SyCip boxers....so I got to race in team underwear....the a little Catholic Schoolgirl Number over at the Berkeley Marina....and finally, a friend of mine checked out the race and gave me a real cool cranberry number. I knew I had a shot at best dressed, so I was off to shop for nail polish and some hair color.....so I My, dress, my bike,my nails and my beard matched. I was a shoe in. Don't have any pics of my get up yet. So, yup, I got best dressed but no DFL prize this year. They did not give one. Good thing, I think the cosmos would be destroyed if the same person got those highly coveted awards...... Here is a pic of the cool trophy and a pic of one of the better get ups..... You will no doubt run into some of these guys at SSW.....You should seek out Big John Girade...he is loud and will be drinking lots of Bud, and will be heckling all the right people. I will send you a pic if I get one of the get up..... but here is what this big man looks like getting lapped at "real" race abbiorca.com/bike/cross/cross2002/cccx1-prunedale

There’s a man missing the worlds for all the right reasons. Well, a couple of good reasons anyway. A race like that would be hard to miss. And with prestige on the line, forget about it.

Now this next guy is all about going. And he can’t even fucking ride. Read on, my brothers and sisters.

From: sfa fasdfasd Subject: Yeah, and shit happens Days away from SSWC 2+02 and life sucks. Does it really? Yes'sir, it does. My kitch and I broke up last Saturday. Sucks to be me. She rocked and I rolled and we couldn't figure it out in between. I was dating my mirror image and couldn't pick my right nostril with my right hand without causing problems. Mars this, Venus that, fuck, I suck. What the fuck is new? My knee has me walking but not riding anything but a bike that looks at a fucking TV (at least I am near a bike for the first time since June). Great, Sienfeld again. Fuck, George is fat and Kramer has rockin' hair. I wish I could pull that off... Damn, this is about as exciting as jacking off to Friends. Give me some open space, dirt and a fucking hill that never ends. Instead, I get a bunch of bitter New Yorkers and a story line that means diddley squat. Beat the fucking soup Nazi already. So she calls tonight. Great. Twice. She covers all of my digits with messages like "I have to speak with you. We have to give this a shot otherwise I will regret it for the rest of my life." And I don't already? Where the fuck do you go from here? Did you ever see Titanic? Give me a Newcastle and drown the little bastard that has the urge to call her back. Air bubbles, mother fucker, air bubbles. The only way up is down and if I pick up the phone I am pulling down the entire fucking fleet. Watch out bastards, nuclear explosion coming soon... Eight cocktails and I dial....oopes I did it again. Me and the socal boys are packing up the party van with the best and greatest, my crippled self excluded of course. Fucking greased lightning, these boys. We plan on being as irrevent as possible and I plan on winning my class on "drinking/non-riding due to knee injury". Brand me mother fucker. The punk rock and odd funk will be flowing out of the speakers (I am thieving it right now off the interneck) and my old school Bad Brains attire will be self-evident. Remember, I am the big boy... See you then, Jonny.

That letter sounds like a threat. Bring it on! I’m sitting here listening to Big Black. Motherfuckers are screaming something about ‘set me on fire with Kerosene!’

It’s just seems appropriate somehow.

Tuesday, October 8, 2002

veronica   I   sandy   I   chloe

I think I just took ten years off my life.

Vegas is always more than just a good time. It’s a full blown dance with the devil. My soul is scarred to the point of no return.

It’s a good thing I like the gutter, ‘cause I spent the whole damn weekend there.

I got into town Friday night, boozed it up proper for a few hours. Sleep just didn’t take. I drank till five in the morning Saturday night, taking in all the sites. It started out with shots and beer at 9:00 am and went downhill from there. I had lunch at the Olympic Gardens, took a nap, and drank every waking hour from then on out.

It hurt me bad.

I saw some band at the Double Down Saturday night that blew doors. I can’t hardly remember their name, something like ‘let it burn’ or ‘burn it down’.

If anyone knows anything about that band, like who the fuck they were, where they’re touring to next, or if they have any albums out, let me know.

I did a quick search on google and found this record label with a similar name, let it burn. I linked it ‘cause the first couple of mp3’s I check out fucking rock.

And I’m not talking about the Nebula show on Sunday at the same bar, even though they have an album out by the same name. I passed out and missed that show. Sad but true, I was gone by 12:30. Call me a pussy if you want, everyone else did. I couldn’t even walk at that point. I was holding my own in the night points competition until then. I abstained from the mysterious "trucker speed" pills that were going around and was dropped. The gap widened and soon even the groupetto passed me by. I climbed off awash in tears of shame, and into the team car.

There will be other Grand Tours and other chances of victory. It was not my day.

Yardsale on the other hand is a fucking rock star. A potential Tour winner some say, he’s got all the necessary strengths. They say he has no weakness at all, no chink in his armor. Hell, he might have even won this one for all I know. I had to leave a day early and probably missed the best of his exploits.

I was a blubbering moron by the time the trade show opened on Sunday. What a fucking waste. Oh well, I hope I made a proper ass out of myself about ten times.

On Monday I tried to make an advertising proposal in the morning at kinko’s. Yeah, that worked well. I threw together little something on my laptop, and took the floppy in to print. Of course, they were running a different version of word than I was and my carefully slapped together layout and font choices went straight into the toilet.

I came out of there with something halfway presentable. I stumbled around and handed it to some folks. I only hope it helps me find some funding for this whore of a website.

At some point I gave Phil Ligget a drunkcyclist sticker. He looked at it and said, "I can do that."

Right on.

I think I also said something to him about he was the best sports commentator in the business. Whatever it was, I meant it. He’s the fucking tops.

Thanks to all of you who said hi, like the site, bought a shirt, or gave me beer. You all rock. Especially the bastards at Bell and Kona. You bastards. And Jericho, and Kelly, and Marzocchi, and Verge and whoever the fuck else I forgot.

I’m just glad you dig what I do.

I’d try and share more stories, but I really haven’t any at this point. I’m a shell of a man. My head is gone. Just a fucking wreck. Who knew three solid days of boozing it up could hurt so much? How did I spend so much money on beer?

And now I’ve only tomorrow to do the laundry, fix my single speed and get ready to drive all the way to bum-fuck Downieville for the single speed worlds. The gnome and I are probably going to leave Tucson tomorrow night for a nine hundred mile drive. Christ, this month is breaking me in half.

I’m just about broke, my site needs more bandwidth (dollars) and I’m so far behind in school and sleep it’s fucking amazing. There’s no food in my fridge and my dog doesn’t recognize me anymore. I have no fitness, my legs are gone and I’ve drank myself to the point of no return.

Down in flames, baby. Down in flames.

Fuck it, I’ll see you all in hell.

Saturday, October 5, 2002

lisa marie   I   chasey lain   I   charisma carpenter

It took me two years to get to this point.

A T-1 line is no longer big enough to handle the traffic this system generates. I can’t believe it.

My hosting company had to pull the site down yesterday. I had been doing a little over 8 megs a day in transfer, and now I’m way over that. Fucking unreal.

I’ll just have to take it a day at a time for awhile.

Stopped at a traffic light coming into town last night, two hot young things in a Jeep next to us. Nic says, "They’re young. Good. I like ‘em young."

Ang shoots back, "Yeah. And I’m sure they like ‘old’."

Game. Set. Match.

Las Vegas. The city of sin. Yee haa.

My sites in the shit can, my liver is the size of Texas and I’m hungry.

Fuck it.

Nic tells me this morning, "Anyone want to get wasted today?" and hands me a beer as he washes down a handful of pills.

Turn the screw mother fucker, turn the screw.

Friday, October 4, 2002

sydney moon   I   sydney moon   I   sydney moon

Getting ready to leave town for yet another weekend on the road. I just barely recovered from the last one. This time, it’s Las Vegas, the city of sin. Immoral to the core, I shall fit in nicely.

They've got this thing called Interbike this weekend. I think that maybe I’ll check that out. I mean, what the hell, I’m already going to be there and everything. Not like it’s inconvenient or anything like that/

Check out this kick ass collection of beer .wav files. Thanks to Mike for the link. I had some fun clicking around on that one, let me tell you. My favorite? The one about Pabst Blue Ribbon!.

But you probably knew that much already, didn’t you?

And check this shit out. It’s the IMBA epic in Wisconsin. Looks like I missed another good time, damn it all to hell.

I’ll just have to make up for it this weekend.

I had read that Ulrich is shopping his talents around, after Telecom was a little maybe not so excited about paying him what they used to after the drunk driving thing and the failing a drunk test thing. He’ll end up somewhere, like maybe CSC?

My vote: That would be a good thing for both Ullrich and Riis. They enjoyed some of the best years when they were together in the mid-ninties. And, I see no reason not to expect more of the same if those two are paired up again. It would make CSC a very exciting team indeed.

And now I read that US Postal is to loose Tom Boonen. That hurts as he is the best young classics rider they have. A sad day for Postal, I think. Read about it at cyclingnews.

And, enough had been said by plenty of other people about Postal in San Francisco already. Three guys in a seven man break and not one of them makes it to the podium. Good job "directing" that one. I realize it’s easy to be an armchair quarterback, but come fucking on. What the hell was that display of stupidity?

But, I don’t care if Hincapie didn’t repeat. It was his race to lose. Charles Dionne is a deserving winner and the 7-up squad is a good bunch of guys. I’m pretty much cool with all of that.

Thursday, October 3, 2002

sydney moon   I   sydney moon   I   sydney moon   I   sydney moon

For all of you who have not seen the recent O’Grady cartoon featuring yours truly, I’m just going to post it here in all it’s glory. Click on the image for a special treat.

I'm a player a pimp and a prostitute. Did I just call myself a prostitute?

Matt sent this link in a week back, but I haven’t gotten through all the email yet. So, I’ll post it now. Good story about a man, a redneck and a paintball gun. Connect the dots on that one.

The rest of the forum ain’t bad either.

Well, I thought up a few more things to say about who I am and all that shit. I rode bikes around when I was growing up, but then, as happens way too much, I turned 16 and it was bye bye bike. None of my friends would ride anywhere. Bikes were kids stuff and we weren't kids anymore.

Then when I was 20, I moved out to Arizona to go to school in Flagstaff. I bought a bike and gave up in the whole car thing for a couple of years. It was great. I rediscovered everything I had once loved about cycling. The wind in my face, the sensations of effort. The freedom.

Now I'm 32 and have been riding ever since.

Wednesday, October 2, 2002

sweet georgia   I   sylvia saint   I   kacey

I’d like to thank Geoff for sending me this kick ass .wav file. ‘Cause it’s all about the beer.

I haven’t really been hyping up the single speed worlds on the site because, as near as I can tell, they don’t need any additional hype. This thing is going to be huge. I can’t imagine how many people are going to show up for this one.

Everyone is talking about gears and tires and whatnot. I don’t know shit. In the words of my man the gnome, "Fuck it, I’m running what’s on my bike right now. I may just be fucking myself."

So, there you have it. I’m leaving my gears alone and that is that.

From: tom Subject: more bike porn hey, hey jonny! heres another from the hun. woodyhosting.com/www/teensthrills/TotallyTeens/laura/thehun.html gotta ask yerself a few things.... #1: why is it called "a girl repairing her bicycle" on the gallery page? seems to me if its busted its gonna stay busted if she keeps that up! #2: whats she gonna do with a friggin hammer? cantis must be out of adjustment again. think we worked with the guy who trained her. #3: what DID she do with that screwdriver? and why dont we get to see THOSE pics? #4: and what the fuck is that stuff all over her tools? damn girl! clean up yer work area! ok so shes hot and id hire her on the spot but no high end repairs. oh fuck it. she can do whatever she wants just as long as she can work OT.

I’ve decided to switch the forums around a bit. This is now the new forum. Don’t anyone panic. You can still find the old forum under the site features panel and by clicking right here. The new forum, many of you will notice, is actually the boozemasters forum with a slight facelift. And I mean slight.

The php deal is just better at handling all the traffic and posts. The old one was getting pretty bogged down, even on a fast internet connection. And no one wants that. This should work out a lot better. You can still talk a whole bunch of shit in there if you want. And, Snake, I’m talking to you, baby.

Let me know if I should add anymore categories. I made all the ones I could think of, but I'm sure someone will want somethinig else. Maybe a "Flagstaff Bitch Riders" section for Snake and his buddies? I'm sure he'd love that.

Check this out.

From: MTB Journal Subject: ride it like you stole it MTB Journal Staff Coup (October 2, 2002) MTBJournal enters the second October of its existence, adds two new editors, and road trips to Interbike and the 2002 Single Speed Worlds. "After months of intense negotiations," says co-founder Rob Reed, noticeably exhausted, "we finally signed two of mountain biking’s most notorious delinquents. Todd ‘El Jefe’ Downs and Joe ‘RiderX’ Whitehair embody everything MTBJournal looks for in editor-administrators: passionate, well-rounded riders who tear it up on and off the trail." Mr. Downs is currently driving cross-country from Boston to report on the Interbike tradeshow. When asked to cover it with brutal honest, he had this to say: "I've never much liked the idea of being a fluffer to the egos of the industry, so cheers to that. This is why I'm so glad to be a part of the 'Journal." Todd will drive north from the show to represent in the 2002 Single Speed World Championships for the ‘Journal…as well as for his charitable foundation: The Angry Bitter Single Speed Society. Mr. Whitehair a.k.a. RiderX has a seemingly ubiquitous presence in online mountain bike forums (indeed, there’s no escaping his reach), and he is the sole founder of the notorious web ‘zine SingleSpeedOutlaw. Joe lives and rides in the mountain biking mecca of Baltimore, Maryland. Based in Santa Monica, California, MTB Journal is a community news and commentary site where users are the prime source of "news, reviews, and trash talking," according to the company’s mantra. Users can report on events, rides, and trends; share opinions on bikes, gear, and people; and otherwise keep tabs on the bike industry. A sister site, Skier’s Journal, does the same for the online ski community. Following are Internet-wide traffic rankings based on the Alexa tracking system as of today, October 2, 2002:

Yahoo!: FuckedCo: MTBR.com: Velo News: Singletrack: Mountain Bike: MTB Journal: DrunkCyclist: BRAIN: Bike: Dirt Rag: Mtn. Biking:

1 841 8,946 2,108 39,567 72,728 117,470 123,578 179,527 192,360 322,758 396,707

Ha ha, would ya look at me? Way the fuck up there. Weeeeee. I'll have you know this site fucking rules. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

boy meets girl   I   lynn thomas   I   veronica zemonova

Many of you probably noticed this morning a little problem I had with the site. Every once in a while, for reasons I cannot fathom, this page wants to revert itself back about a week.

Gnome brought to my attention that I was on Sept 16th this morning. Um, what? Yeah, I can fuck up just about anything. Just ask around.

Well, I know I’ve made the big time. I’ve been immortalized in a O’Grady carton. Yes, you can read about me in the newest Bicycle Retailer. I’m the fucking man.

Want to meet a woman behind bars?

In other news, the Arizona State Championship road race went down this Sunday. Staying true to form, I was no where near it. Dara Marks, whose name I may have spelled incorrectly, won the woman’s overall. She’s a Cat III, and she can climb. Outstanding ride. And, she’s on board with Athlete Octane. Results up at az cycling.

And Drew Miller takes in home for the men’s side of things. How many other guys in the top five work full time jobs I wonder? I’ll bet in ain’t too many of them. Drew is a hard, hard man known for riding centuries clutching a big gulp in one hand. Results up at az cycling.

Looks like my man Peschka DNF’d. I’ll be sure to bring that up when I talk to him later today. Can’t miss a chance to knock a friend down, now can we?

Hell, he’d to it for me.

Speaking of being knocked down, I managed to knock my dick in the dirt this weekend something fierce. It’s day two and I haven’t recovered. Fuck me, I am totaled.

From: wvshark Subject: How about some background for a new visitor What up? Dig the site, funny as shit. Question: how about a little perspective? You know- a little background on Jonny to put it all in place. Age, life story, what the hell else you do with yourself. The usual crap. Know it's lame, but I gotta say I'm curious as hell.

I'll just throw it all in a nutshell for ya. I'm 32 years old, I'm in night school learning about system administration. I worked in bike shops for the last ten years. I like porn. I'm big for a cyclist, over six foot and over two hundred pounds. I grew up in Pennsylvania but have been living in Arizona for the last 12 years. I’m all about the east, but the west is the best. I like single speeds, but am riding road bikes mostly these days.

That’s about it.

This coming weekend is interbike, then it’s the single speed worlds a week later. It’s going be a hard couple of weekends.