BuzzClickBuzzClick

Oh lookie! The newest shiniest ultra super duper uber high end gatta charge your bike before you ride it buzzclick buzzclick buzzclick stupidity is available for the 1% of the people who think technology will make their proverbial little penis into a herculean cock.

Ladies and shitbags, I give you the abso-fucking-useless AND latest innovation.

$4000 kids.

buzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzz clickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclickbuzzclick

I write this thinking about my commute to work, which I did on my steel road bike. It has 700 38c tyres, an 8sp 11-34 cassette and 9sp chain, Ultegra bar cons, Sugino triple with the little ring taken off, a Campy Record (all metal for the good of my mettle) front derailleur, and an XTR short cage 8sp rear d’. And finally Paul canti’s, because why the fuck would I spend my hard earned money on anything else.

This bike rides smoother than a stripper’s freshly shaved pussy, it shifts as effortlessly and powerfully as a politician up for re-election, and is as quiet as you were when your girlfriend gave you head under the tree at your grandparent’s house on Christmas Eve. It doesn’t buzzclick or make noise or struggle. It works silently and smoothly like it was meant to. It is old tech, solid as a rock, easy to fix or replace, and doesn’t need stupid ass, environment destroying lithium batteries. And guess what… I don’t have to plug it in to charge it before I go for a ride and end up looking like this jackass.

Seriously. What the actual fuck? Why?

And this is yet another one of my boringannoyingbadgeringsmearofhotvomit verbalized state of the bike industry and proof that they are in fact shitting the bed. Cuz this is what happens when the Friedman Doctrine driven conglomo buys up a bike company focusing only on their fiduciary responsibility instead of growing the joy of cycling.

And, if I may say so, what I find ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ASTOUNDING is that if they were to make bikes for the masses, if they were to use some of their lobbying power to create infrastructure (as well as get the fucking cops to charge drivers when they hit cyclists) if they were to put effort into actually increasing the number of beginner cyclists, they would make even more profit for their shareholders. What idiots.

Have you seen what the kids are riding these days? Old mountain bikes. Lots of them. They were made well in the ’80s and ’90’s, so were the parts. And they are cheap – well, they are now but who knows for how long. I could probably pawn that short cage XTR derailleur off on some hipster for enough to cover my rent. But I digress.

How about punching out some inexpensive – good – easy to ride bicycles that use HUMAN POWER just like these old mountain bikes? Huh? How about that industry? Stop putting all your effort into buzzclick and batteries and increase the number of riders instead of dumbing it down for the high end Cybertruck jockeys.

So yet again, here is my big fat sausage looking broken middle finger in the face of the industry that proved time and time again just how stupid it is by filling their warehouses with high end shit thinking the covid bike boom was gunna last and people are gunna pay piles of cash for shit that runs on batteries made by slaves that is outdated within a year for the sake of one more cog, bold new graphics, or whateverthefuck marketing thinks is the new cool thing.