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Everyone likes to beat up on Strava these days. And, let’s be honest, it’s not hard to do. Hating on Strava is like shooting fish in a barrel.

A big barrel of weak sauce.

Now, all bullshit aside, I use Strava. I have a Gramin Edge 305 and an app on my cell phone. Either will track my time, mileage, and elevation gain. I like to know what I’ve been doing. I don’t need to know where I’m goin’, I just need to know where I been! I used to write such information in notebooks, on calenders, on training schedules. And, now, I no longer have to. It’s preserved out on the web for me. With map overlays. Super easy. I like that.

What I don’t like are the ass clowns who take it way to seriously. Yeah. I’ve heard plenty of stories about some jackass yelling “Strava!” as if it overrides all of well-established trail user etiquette. Uphill, downhill, sideways, just yell “Strava!” and all will dive from your path. Wouldn’t want to crimp your chance at glory, chief.

Fuck that.

So, I got this email the other day:

Uh oh! SOME DUDE (not his name) just stole your KOM!

Hey big (is my name),

You just lost your KOM on SOMEWHERE (not the real ride) to SOME DUDE (not his name) by 9 minutes 46 seconds.

Now get out there, have fun and be safe.

-Your friends at Strava

I’m like, what the fuck? Nine minutes? I lost the KOM by nine minutes? Jesus Titty Fucking Christ, how did that happen? What am I, the world’s biggest pussy? I’ve never even heard of that ride segment. I don’t even know where it is. I had no idea I had ridden it, let alone set a KOM on it. And I just got tuned up by nine fucking minutes? Was I walking?

You never know what you have till it’s gone, right?

Something like that.

I hit the provided link, and yes, lo and behold I had been bested. Check the stats:

8.1mi       0.3%          3,273ft         3,438ft        165ft
Distance  Avg Grade  Lowest Elev  Highest Elev  Elev Difference  Ridden 3 Times By 2 People

Turns out this “segment” was something I’ve ridden all of once, in a part of Arizona I’ve been to all of once, on a road I don’t remember much of anything about. I think I rode it with Big Bruce. Or, gnome. Or by myself. I don’t know…

I figured out it was the morning after our boy Snake’s wedding. (Not Snake Hawk. Snake. Two different guys. Don’t ask. Big reptile thing in our naming conventions. Or they’re both dicks. Your choice.) I was just putting in miles. I wasn’t paying any attention to anything except just enjoying the fact I was out on my bike. And hungover. Because it was the day after a wedding.

I never knew there was a “segment” on that ride. I’m not sure I know what a segment is, or how they are created. Or, why anyone bothers to create one in the first place. I mean, seriously?

I also never know that I had taken (yes, taken!) the KOM on that segment. No idea at all. As of the first and only time I’ve checked it a few days ago, there was all of two (2) people that had ever ridden the segment. Two. Two people.

Isn’t that the stupidest thing you have ever heard?

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

60 Replies to “Stravalicious”

  1. BGR returns! Been a while.

    Strava. I have the app on my phone. Haven’t brought myself to use it. I’m like a high school kid carrying a condom around in my wallet like I’m actually gonna use it…

  2. I am upgrading from my dumb phone just so I can Strava. I might get beaten by 9 mins up the hills, but I like the idea of checking the times on the DH trails on the way back down…

  3. Strava is just a social media medium that is killing group rides.It totally perpetuates the middle age douchiness cycling douch bag that spends his money on 3 pairs of carbon clinchers and hormone replacement therapy. Strava appeals to these fucks cause the program narrows down your field. It used to be, ‘who can get up that whole big giant fucking mountain the fastest’. Now its all like, ‘choose your 1 mile of ascent on said mountain’. It used to be you and some buds met somewheres and then tore each others legs off, and if some fucker dropped you, you would shove your frame pump in his spokes on the way back to the shop. With strava where do I put my frame pump now? I dont give a fuckabout the validity of my argument. Fuck Strava.

  4. …dumbest thing for competitive cycling i’ve ever heard of…

    …one more way to pimp your ego for those who have a sad need to hold a psychological advantage over others & that are willing believe they’ve found superiority despite undoubtedly varied riding conditions notwithstanding…

    …just sayin’…

  5. I mostly just get on my bike and ride. I get there when I get there.

    If I get there at all.

    If I don’t, I don’t.

    Life is only as complicated as you make it.

    Good to see you around these parts, Counselor.

  6. Pingback: Link roundup: September 25 | Tucson Velo

  7. I hopped on my 24″ Contraband this morning rode just shy of 9 miles to work in about 45 mins. I could of gotten here faster but there are some sweet gaps along the way and a bitching under the freeway bridge, 45 degree, wall ride. Fuck Strava I have fun on the bike!

  8. Word of advice. Use Map My Ride ( It has the same level of interactivity with smart phones that Strava does without the douchyness.

  9. Well…I have to say, I use Strava and I like it. I don’t abuse it. I don’t blaze by people yelling ‘Strava’. I live in Montana, where I never know if I will run into a group of horses, hikers, or bikers. If I am trying to beat my time…too bad for me. I stop, smile, and let people do what they need to do.

    A lot of people talk smack about Strava, and I agree with the ass clowns that abuse the app. People can make anything look bad if abused…shit, there is a woman that cruises through this small ski resort town with her boyfriend motorpacing her in a non-pass zone all the time. She makes me want to run her over and her fucking motorpacer. But I am a road biker too…I follow the appropriate etiquette.

    Back to Strava. There are not a lot of people in my town that ride as much as I do…so I ride a lot by myself. In the past, I have not had the motivation to push myself when riding alone. Now, every now and again…I start Strava and try to beat a PR. It has made me a much stronger rider than I ever have been…even back in the day when I used to race. I like it. It makes me feel good for a 30-something single speeder.

    That is just my two cents. Strava aint so bad…it is the few douche-bags that are bad that abuse the frigging thing.


  10. …back in the early ’70’s, i worked out a very sophisticated scientific method of calculating how my rides compared to previous ones &/or those of my riding buddies…

    …i’d look at both my wristwatch & around me to see if i was in front or behind those guys at the town limit signs throughout the day…

    …i even had an appropriate name for it…i called it “riding”

  11. There are plenty of apps for mapping your ride that don’t include the whole posting on-line component. That part turns useful information into a sad chase for the “glory” of beating some amateur you don’t know. Feels like I’m losing some friends to crack or something.

  12. I’ll bet you’re not as big of a puss the next time you ride that ride! Or, find yourself ok without KOM. Its like TV, gaming, or whatever, dont turn the fucking shit on. I like STRAVA cuz it corrects the fucked up elevation shit that my garmin 305 gives you. You could be like the dudes family that is suing STRAVA because the guy died trying to get his kom back. Or, you just do not like being told you are slow……. Funny post though.

  13. @14, Yep. I was going to say Map My Ride or RunKeeper. Both record your track, elevation, approximate calories burned, allow you to see how your own fitness is progressing etc., and don’t turn you into a douche. The basic idea of Strava isn’t bad, and it’s fun to see how you compare to other people. That’s called racing or a hard ride with your buds. The people that go douchey on Strava are probably Cat5-3, and think they are badasses. Any Cat 4 who thinks they can cop an attitude because of how fast they are, ever, deserves a swift kick in the flump.

  14. Going for a ride is the best thing for a hang-over. Well, once you’ve had sex, that is… it’s a bonus when you get to be king of the mountain, even if it’s only for a day.

  15. Strava is masturbation. Pleasuring oneself whilst alone, all the while dreaming of doing it with others. I admit that used it a couple of time (with my phone) but thought, WTF, why? Haven’t used it since.

  16. I use it as a logbook and also to check out new rides.
    Your information doesn’t have to be public, that’s an option.
    It is kinda jinkey when there is no cell reception.
    Overall I like it.

  17. I’m not hatin’ on masturbation. Remember when you “discovered” it for the first time? Did you think you were onto something that no-one else knew about? Not hatin’. Just drawing the analogy.

  18. As if anyone could ever forget the first time they discovered that little nugget of bliss… and just as no-one walks into the office of a morning and says “Wow! I had the best wank last night!!” nobody wants to admit to using Strava.

    I can see the self-help groups now… “Hello, my name is Babbles, and I’m a Stravadouche.”

  19. …dammit, gutpile…a car ???…

    …that kinda attitude completely goes against the spirit of the whole concept…

    …i’d suggest an electric bike…

  20. And as far as masturbation.

    I discovered that at the age of 12. I spent the entire summer in my room wanking off like a mad man.

    So…how did we go from Strava to masturbation ??

    Only DC could pull that off.

  21. I call it my hydrocarbon doping program. Strava doesn’t have a test for it yet so I’m sure it’s cool for now.

  22. Sorry, I like Strava… of course I can see how it is abused, but it motivates me to improve my time and it is fun to see how fast the local pros are.

  23. My wife just started riding, plays with Strava and loves looking over the statistics of her ride. It motivates her and adds another level of fun to the hobby. If someone acts like an asshole on a trail because of Strava (something I’ve never experienced, and would be surprised if it’s actually common), I’m willing to bet they’re just assholes regardless… kind of like the haters on this site that think it’s cool to criticize everything that’s popular.

  24. Dammit Triple T

    Now you’ve made me want to turn on my Strava app while stroking it…only problem is, I’ll have to masturbate outside so I’ve got good GPS signal

  25. For $10 I’ll take your little strava out for a ride on my dirtbike. I’ll get you the fastest trip across all the Ft. Valley trails gay-ron-teed.

  26. All my favorite rides take me out of cell phone coverage, during large parts of the ride. Also my phone’s GPS is widely regarded as the worst ever on a phone. It will put me in the middle of the Atlantic then put me somewhere in the Pacific. Occasionally it actually works and shows accurately where I am.

  27. KOMmie pig: someone who thinks Strava KOMs are real and takes them seriously.

    “Strava Fail” group started on Facebook

  28. I like Strava. I live in the country, I don’t get to ride on weekends very often, and when I do it’s with a group that are on the whole weaker than me so racing “virtual” dudes is the only racing I really get. I guess I’ve got the privilege that a UCI WT race uses my local bitumen hills so aiming at top 5% is satisfaction enough, and our gravel climbs are steep as fudge so developing ‘grudge’ battles with the only other buggers silly enough to ride them is fun. And on the XC bike it’s cool, I’d love to be able to race again, so having benchmarks of where the local guns are at keeps me on my toes for the one or two events I do get to make it to a year.

  29. @Nyhc00

    I would but I lost my magnifying glass so I’d never be able to find it to blow.

    And who put a rocket up yer ass ?? I see no problem with you in this or other posts. Don’t tell me your a Dick too.

  30. Triple T, you clearly called me an asshole for no reason. Not sure about you but I dont particularly put up with unwarranted insults. My KOM question was mostly rhetorical, if I cared what the answer really was I would have looked it up. Correct me if I misread it, and this falls into the “joke was lost because it was typed not spoken category.”

  31. @Nyhc00

    Sorry it came off that way. I misspoke. The asshole part was not directed at you. It was directed at BJ’s post but I phrased it wrong.

    We have a new thing. KOMA.

    Again sorry.

  32. Conversely, Strava-raging assholes can quickly go incognito with the shield after running everyone off the road while playing with themselves…

  33. “”


  34. …but mikey, it’s designed by tom ritchey & he’s like a god to his true believers…

  35. $300?! Fuck that. For 300 bills I’ve got Thompson stems for my 4 bikes with change in my pocket for beers.

    As light & as strong as I’ll ever need them to be.

  36. yeah, but those thompson stems are all symmetrical and no one rides symmetrical stem systems any more. plus, they don’t have the “full race” decal set like the specialized, i mean cervelo, i mean bontrager, oh fuck it.

  37. Yeah, Thompsons don’t come w/ the “full race” decal set. THAT must be why I suck.

    That & the fact that I, well, suck.

  38. dude, if you only have two reasons why you suck, you’re way ahead of me. :)

    me, I froze my feet and hands on starting out, had to holler at a big whitetail doe to get out of the road, but managed 35 miles.