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This past weekend, Madison morphed from the laid back and predominantly liberal community it is, to the hyper-competitive and dorked-to-the-max machine that is Ironman. While the more astute of us dirt bags here in the cheese state fled for cover, cars packed with bikes, tents and mushrooms, others like myself, chose to weather the carbon fiber shitstorm that hit this city like Katrina.

Chasing the action of an Ironman race (if you can even call it that), is like watching paint dry, except it’s slower, and doesn’t smell nearly as good. Sir Kenny Powers does us a favor and sums it up in this classic scene: YouTube Preview Image

It was a relief, however, whilst sporting DC colors,I found myself in the company of family members, usually wives, of the racers. They appreciated our Drunk Cyclist mentality, and how some of us “bikers” don’t actually take these silly races and two wheeler machines so god damned seriously. I assured her that my job at the Ironman was akin to religious folk on a mission trip; I was there to convert. You know, “Two wheels, one dark lord.” <— that religion. Yup.

Anyways, we watched, we slept, we drank, ate some waffles, and they eventually finished some 15 hours later. The over-hyped and under-climactic event came to a close for the 2000 or so “racers” who forked over two weeks pay in order to do something their bodies probably weren’t built to do. I’m still pondering how and why this sport has blown up the way it has. As these Ironmans, and Ironwomans crossed the line which capped 140.6 miles of stroke, pedal, trot, the announcer proclaimed, over and over, “first name, last name. YOU ARE AN IRONMAN!”

I sat there next to my bike, supported by a slick two-legged Pletscher kickstand, with a 6’er of Dale’s inside my Remington ammo box, saying to myself, “Cupcake, YOU ARE AN ALUMINUMAN!

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About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

23 Replies to “YOU ARE AN ALUMINUMAN!”

  1. Hello Tom,
    Just a quick message to ask if you would be interested in a ‘mutual’ following on twitter. I am currently following you now and am awaiting for your follow-back. (#FYI I do RT’s ‘anytime’ for all #Triathletes #Cyclists #UltraRunners & #Marathoners who follow me on Twitter and have something important they want mentioned…)

    All the very best for the rest of 2012 and beyond Tom. Look forward to hearing from you…


  2. Well I’m training seriously for triathlon myself, only I don’t swim or run, don’t participate in fee-based events, drink copious quantities of beer and don’t count calories and my bike has brake levers right there by my hands. Other than that though, I’m totally into it.

  3. “…well no, actually i don’t – i play real sports…”

    …i’ve always maintained that triathlons are great…except for all the goddamn running & swimming…

    …cupcake…yer gonna break darin’s little heart…guy sounds pretty serious about this triathlete shit…

  4. Darin, things are getting pretty warm on the “Armstrong” bandwagon. Might be time to jump. May I suggest a last name change? As the Asian man in the Jerk said, “You no call that dog Lifesaver! You call him Shithead!”.

  5. …livestrongers are like scientologists…nothing is wrong, everything is good, remain in denial & just keep believing in the figurehead…

    …when you don’t have to think or face reality for yourself, life is easier…

  6. I do NOT understand the BS about the one nut wonder doping.

    Every pro athlete on the planet dopes.

    Get over it and enjoy the game.

  7. They’re both among my faves, but Oskar Blues Gordon’s Beer-now THAT’S the most stunningly indescribable goodness I’ve ever tasted. I kinda balked alittle at the price. I think four years ago it was fourteen bucks for a four pack. But after one sip I had to wonder how anyone in their right mind could sell something that good for that cheap.

  8. @Rob, thanks for posting that

    I’ll start training for those kind of events.

    Otherwise I’ll run if I don’t wanna get caught, and I’ll do my swimming back to the rope swing/cliff jump.

  9. @joetheelectrician you are absolutely right sir. G’Knight, formerly known as Gordon, is OG. Gordon Knight was also an OG. Dude was hard. Hard as fucking nails.

  10. Cupcake, I just googled the man. “Hard as fucking nails” don’t begin to cover it. I am saddened that he is gone.

  11. “The ONLY triathalon wisconsin needs is drink beer, ride bikes, eat. That is all. Thank you.”

    You left out fuck. Are you gay ?? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..blah blah blah.

  12. Beer? I clicked the link to gather info on the beer you were drinking and I had to have some. It’s apparently a local beer BUT i do drive through Denver twice a week. Found a liquor store still open at 1030pm and scored two sixers of said Dales Pale Ale.
    I just got back home, southern California, and i placed said beer in fridge.
    Tomorrow I drink.
    Thanks for the heads up.