Monday Touched Me Like a Creepy Uncle.

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My Monday sucked balls. Here’s a picture. I already put it on the Facetwat, but since some o’ y’all are allergic to that shit, here ya go. You can caption this, or whatever.


I doodled this at work. I call it “Still Life of Entitled Bag of Dicks Customer.”


Yeah. Fuck it. I got nothing else…

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About D2

I am a writer and a photographer. I never killed a man in Reno, but I once rode a bike through a casino in Vegas. Bikes are cool, huevos rancheros are for breakfast, whiskey is for dinner. Denver, Colorado, USA

43 Replies to “Monday Touched Me Like a Creepy Uncle.”

  1. …@ #02 – & dis is da way to da front door…don’t let it hit ya on de ass on da way out…

  2. bike shops can be toxic. think about it for one second – what kind of fucktards would do that kind of work? not happy ones. the antidote seems to be Wiggle, Chain Reaction, Probikekit, Totalcycling and others. lately i’m in local shops only a couple time per year. but now that i think of it, that’s a shame: laughing at the employees used to be kind of fun.

  3. Fuck you, dolak.

    Local bike shops are the soul of cycling. Those folks create and sustain local scenes. Who knows the good routes? Who maintains trails? Who advocates for cycling in re. local land use? Who stops the kid with the noisy bike and makes it safe to ride? Who shows up at the local races with tech support? Who knows which tyres work best for local conditions? Who organizes group rides?

    Local shops. People doing that kind of work because they fucking love bikes. Asshole.

  4. reverend dick

    Amen. Brother.

    I did 15 years of it. Absolutely the best years of my life. That said, the 2%(YMMV) of customers/riders that were assholes eventually made it so I no longer wanted to do it.
    Tip ‘o’ the hat to the folks that keep it all runnin’.


  5. don’t feed the trolls Reverend. Dolak has proven through past performances that he is holier than thou, just ask him.

  6. On what planet do you live and how old are you?????? EVERY JOB has this problem. Most of us have jobs and ride bikes to relieve our stress and forget about douche customers/clients. We make money and spend them on bike stuff. I would buy more bike stuff if it were cheaper. Maybe you should quit the bike shop and teach yoga. P.S don’t you get your bikes and parts free or at a considerable discount while the rest of us pay full price?

  7. I live on the planet in which I am expected to post amusing and sometimes controversial stuff on a cycling site about bikes. Don’t take it too seriously, sir.

  8. Well I just got this to say about that. I wandered into the LBS yesterday to retrieve my “mountain” bicycle. It had brand-new tars, new “tubeless kits” and a rejiggered control cable run. Dude was like, “You’re good. No charge.” and I rolled out. I felt it was an enjoyable experience.

  9. Hmmm, if anyone is paying full pop still, they have found the one shop who still believes in the Easter Bunny.

    Seems to me most customers asking for a deal, come in with internet pricing for current product, well below what I can buy it for, wholesale.

    Yet they can’t install it themselves, and many will grouse about having to pay to have it installed, having me not be able to do it right then, etc.

    Oh, no problem, I’ll keep the lights on, own all the tools, have all the knowledge, and do work for you for nothing. Shall I send your kid to college for you too?

    Worth noting most of those folks seem to drive late model, high end vehicles, hmmmm.

    This is balanced however, by the awesome customers who come in at the last minute, needing a quick tweak on a bike they bought from me 5 years ago, and have beaten into the ground in the interim.

    What’s awesome about that you ask?

    That they brought a six pack with them, or perhaps some raspberry granola bars baked from stuff out of their garden.

    Goes both ways, but man, some days you feel like the whole world wants everything for free, and feel you ought to pay their mortgage for them, while you’re fixing their flat…..

  10. live on a planet “on” which you are expected to do what? expected by whom, deetoo?

  11. …we’re (the empirical ‘we’) are making inroads on mars…

    …guy named armstrong was the first to ride on the moon…

    …i wanna be the first to ride on ‘the angry red planet’

    …just sayin’…

  12. Imagine a world where the term “bike mechanic” only applies to the guy at SportsAuthority/Dick’s, whatever box store. Minimum wage dude with no heart and love for the game. Keep chasin’ the little guy out and you all better get a lot better at fixin your shit. Sorry, but fork o-hauls, wheel builds, brake bleeds, frame alignment, blah blah blah are beyond the scope of many riders. And hell, even if you’re a ninja mechanic, who’s got the time? I’m probably the archetype for the bike wrench character of this South Park episode called life…went to school for something else, came back to the game, strapped on my apron five days a week for 21 years now, and still you haters haven’t killed my passion for the sport. So fuck you mail order guys and shit talkers…we ain’t trippin’.

  13. it’s a two way street. i try to show up with a tray of coffee or 12 pack to show my appreciation for unfuckinbelievable service.

    way back during the bi-annual super sale, i had a mechanical riding to the trail on a saturday morning. the place was mobbed, but i was handed the part, the tools and escorted to the alley out back. in and out in 10 minutes despite a packed house, amazing.

    over the years these guys have become friends and we’ve gone riding, boarding, kayaking, etc. i’ve watched their families grow and mourned their passing. they are my bros, but i would never ask for a discount BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING JOB.

    all the wrenches out there, thanks.

    all the riders – support your local. the web will never offer such service and community. it’s an investment.

  14. @#16-bgw, speaking of bikes on the Red Planet, have you read Robert A. Heinlein’s “The Space Family Stone”? I guarantee you’d like it.

  15. A good bike mechanic is worth his/her weight in gold. A shop with a good attitude is great but very often the guys working in shops are douchewhistle know-it-alls who only feel cool or important while being dicks to customers. Now let’s face it, a lot of times they have seen customers acting entitled fuckburgers and they are tired of it, which makes sense. Unfortunately however plenty of us do not expect a bro-deal and walk into a shop fully intending to spend money, support it, whatever, and we get treated like dirty cat litter by some self righteous bikedick and it makes us wanna say, “fucklesteins on that shizzle” and buy our stuff from distributors on the “information super world-wide wi-fi internet highway.”

  16. I mostly buy my shit at the LBS and install it myself. That way I support the local guy while learning valuable skills. To me it seems like the best of both worlds.

  17. I don’t work on my bike. I just ride the fucking thing.

    The local LBS, Sussex Bike Shop of Northern NJ has always treated me perfect. The owner is way cool and he knows how to hire. I’ll spend whatever I can in that shop. Loyalty to the 10th degree.

  18. Hey, I’m just tryin’ to learn to fish. Maybe you’re too fucking stupid to be taught.

  19. Trailerpark :

    Stop using your hands to type and kindly use them to fuck yourself silly. WTF? Yeah we get a discount, it goes along with our discounted wages, you half twitted bastard robbed of the nipple. Our discount is a mere pittance for the crap half tards like you pay us in attitude and respect. You are probably the douche pouch Mendon was speaking of, the one with the Bimmer parking across two spots so as to not get a scratch ( one of them most likely a handicapped spot ).

    For anyone who wants to stand at the counter and belittle a mechanic through direct or indirect means…I tell you what, try using that tone and attitude at the next restaurant you visit. I guarantee a little extra will come your way.

  20. I’ve been a wrench for 12 years and I can say, -dan, that those salaries seem a bit inflated…most mechanics are hourly anyway…

  21. @dan. You just helped me decide whether to give my bike mechanic a 6 pack or a 40 of Lazer. With wages like that he probably won’t be offended by the shitty 40 oz and it will cost me a lot less. Just kidding. I’m gonna hook that brother up with something cool next time he works on my bike.

  22. yup D2, i agree they are inflated. i’ve been at this full time for more than 8 years, and now i own a shop and am making even less. we do it because we live this shit, we love this shit, and it makes our lives better.

    it’s just that the respect for the craft and experience has dwindled, much like many other crafts. these days, anyone with an internet connection is an expert, just ask them.

    either way, as long as the good outweighs the bad, it works out. it’s when the bad begins to trump the good that we lose yet another great local shop.

  23. @24 Dear Angry Buddhist and D2
    First, not all mechanics are ASSESS. As a consumer, I can only speak from the outside of the industry. I believe that if you want to secure your future, you should really see things from our side. No one should treat anyone badly or demean others however, proudly, I have threatened, with a biblical smiting, a customer that was horribly rude to a waiter.
    I AM that person that buys from the shop and installs myself because I like to fix things myself. I AM the one that shows up with a new found IPA to the shop. I ride with the shop owner (It took some time recently finding the right shop because MANY shops are like the one Norbert@20 speaks of). I will say it disgusts me to see people pay your salary then you bitch about it. I, in the past, have tolerated a mechanic placing my cassette on inappropriately and another not tighten a chainring and I snapped it. I would say I tolerate them. Dick Head know it all mechanics have a tendency, whether conscious or unconscious to belittle consumers. When I have moved to new towns and try to find a good shop I see this. I listen in to the conversations. God help a guy who brings a girlfriend in to shop and you belittle him to make yourself look cool to the chick. You wonder why people shop online, DICK HEAD EGOTISTICAL SHOP EMPLOYEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you blame them? YOU create the environment!!!!! YOUR income is determined on YOUR attitude to others (EVERYONE). Don’t expect everyone to massage your ego because they may not understand how skilled you are. Listen to your customers, I am sure many that don’t return feel the same (This has an impact on your income).
    Also, Angry Buddhist, sounds like you are jealous of me. I do make a 6 figure salary. I busted my ass to get it too (I actually come from the trailer park and have made good (40% of my customers(patients) don’t pay a cent for my services, so fuck you, (apology possibly in the future)). I have worked fast food, hung dry wall, washed dishes, waited tables, and anything I could to support myself. I owe a mortgage in student loans. I work my ass off and love to get dirty on a bike. I also envy your job and the ability you have to live the life around bikes. If you are not that mechanic spoken about above, GOOD ON YOU, but many are and as you are not a true consumer of bike products, listen to those that are!!!! Go to another shop where no one knows you and ask elementary questions or even a dumb question. Become a fly on the wall. You will see. Be nice and friendly, then listen. Oh, D2, you just screwed your shop owner by ripping a customer publicly.
    Many of us wish we had your job. Just for your information as well, most of us have to go through many shops to find the vibe of the Domenic’s in Tempe where guys like Gnome and Big Johnny used to work. I miss those days. If you want to drink some beer, ride a 12 hour and discuss this more, let me know and I will see what we can arrange. I assure you Buddhist, if you knew me, you would apologize. I would gladly pay for your services and provide beer and chips if you are real deal!!!!

  24. I don’t know, $19K/yr works out to about $9.15/hr for some pretty big urban areas. Seems about what I recall paying average full-time mechanics in Austin (not counting benefits). Good mechanics were more, starting kids a little less. Seems like not enough for living in an urban area or even a semi-touristy resort town. Shit, $22K/yr for NYC, that is sad.

    I had some great customers, and I miss that aspect of the business. But there were also the douchnozzles and after 15 years they ran me out of the business because I was tired of their self-entitled bullshit and superiority complexes. I think that attitude infects most retail. People don’t value the work or the people who choose to do that work.

  25. Wow, Trailer Park. That is quite the high horse you just rode in on…and a helluva dump it just took here on the site! You’re going to need a big shovel. I just happen to have one here…would you like a discount?

  26. Oh, and having met Angry Buddhist, I wouldn’t hold my breath for that apology. A solid dude like that has no need for that.

  27. That’s funny, D2. I have a friend that rides for a “team” and the bike shop backed out cause there were 30 some odd strap-hangers looking for discounts on EVERYTHING. I would go on public assistance before trying to run a bike shop around here.

  28. Hey TrailerPark:

    Be humble, homie. No one owes you anything. Everybody works hard, and whether or not you materially started with a leg up, you have been given some gifts that most people would give their left nut for. No one even owes you a good attitude: sometimes a bad attitude is all a man has, so why don’t you just let him keep it? You’re of course able to take your bizness anywhere; I’ll settle for yeoman work and settle it at the shop ride or out on the road. (Which usually confirms for me what I already knew: that I may be pro at one thing, but these other dudes are pro at something else, and they’ll slay my slow ass).

  29. Post #35 and nobody’s put up the Monty Python bicycle mechanic thingie? Un-freakin’-believeable.

    Fuck, wish I could link it. I am SO not a geek.

  30. I think that trailer park dude made some valid points (and pissed off some people) and we should all drop this crap ‘fore it gets shittier.

  31. This is funny shit.

    TP, the only idiots wishing for or envying bike shop wrenches are people who have never been one…Rocky, “It’s a living”… Mickey,”It’s a waste of a life.” (Applies to owners as well)

    A decade as an owner was enough for me, this thread brings it back though.

  32. I ain’t got the patience to put all them squiggly lines up on the screen, just so’s folks can see what someone else said. Maybe I got ADHD. Maybe I’m lazy. Or maybe I just don’t give a fuck.

    But what the hey, at least I can work on my own bike.

  33. Trailerpark,

    If a person puts your cassette on incorrectly they are NOT a mechanic. That is a grom, who makes $7 per hour and leads me to believe you chose either the wrong shop or actually were a dick and the real mechanic didn’t want to be bothered.
    I hardly need an ego massage. I change flats. An elemental part of bike riding too many can’t be bothered with, so they bring it to me and then proceed to bitch me out because we charge $10 ( and by we I mean the people who actually own the shop and get that $10 ). These people ( You? ) seem pissed because, after 1 million of theses things, it only takes me 4 minutes and most of that is trying to find out what caused your flat. But I am the guy who has to hear your mumblings. All I did was get you going, the money part is between you and my boss.
    As for being jealous, wow pull your head out of the Bimmer for a sec and wake the fuck up. I chose to work in the bike business. I made a shit ton more money doing something else, chose to be happy over the money. Why? because bikes make me happy. Not like you, the 6 figure guy who wants cheaper parts so he can drive his luxury car to the trailhead and forget how tough life was for him. No. For you it is belittling people and demanding cheaper parts so you can buy more. Dude I buy parts to RIDE more. To laugh my ass off after you leave the store, because you are a preposterous asshat who thinks charming me with a sixer you got as an afterthought makes you my bro. It doesn’t. I am not jealous of you at all. My hands are full of filth from your weekend shred, I have to sneak a ride in the darkness because I stayed late helping the new guy to biking really get dialed in. Not because he gave me a sixer, but because he really wanted to ride. You know? the guy you claim to be…I help people fall in love with the culture of bikes, not the bro deal.

    You stated you were jealous of wrenches. Go back to your shop. Leave the sixer at home. Talk to the real wrench. See if you can hack $7-9 an hour, dirty hands, sore back, and smelling like China rubber for a few weeks. See if you can be a cyclist instead of a deal hunting bro…I am telling you that’s all it takes to open up the world of wrenching. Get dirty, be fucking real, and remember your 6 figure salary makes those parts you want four times cheaper for you than the guy spinning the wrench. The guy who gets other people riding.

    You will get no apology. You may be an actual cool dude. Your first post in the thread says otherwise. You ride bikes to forget the douche client. The people spinning wrenches enable you to do that when your talents cannot. Why would you ever be a prick to them? That’s like pissing off your bartender.

    Good day sir, and better yet — have a kickass time riding this weekend. I know I will.

  34. …here’s a gary fisher quote that fits the mix – ” A bike is only as good as the last wrench that touched it…”

    …good comment…

    …but i also note that g-fish is absolutely silent regarding his ol’ pal cancer jesus…tryin’ to protect that market share, i’m bettin’…

    …trek themselves are backing their longtime golden goose ‘cuz there’s plenty of support from the gen-pop & the newer roadie types but i’d generalize & say most straight up mtb types have a ‘fuck armstrong’ attitude & i’m guessin’ g-fish doesn’t wanna upset any financial apple-carts…

    …i’m sure he’d suggest – “…it’s complicated…”…bwahahaha…