How to tell I am a Drunkcyclist…

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Just check out that sweet beer gut growing out from beneath the DC jersey…you know, the one just above the lycra and a bit below the burgeoning double chin.

That gut contains Ranger IPA, and Boulder Porter, and O'dell Levity, and shamefully, a Honey Brown.

Mr. B and I went for a little jaunt through Williams Canyon just outside of Manitou Springs, CO, and the weather was perfect. 75 and sunny, but shade in the canyon. There was even flowing water! That may not sound all that special to you east coasters, but in the desert southwest, encountering running water is like encountering a virgin in a whorehouse. It just doesn’t happen.


Mr. B killed it today on his Voodoo singlespeed. I asked him what he was weighing in at these days, in preparation for the Whiskey Off-Road. "145," he says. I've got 40 pounds on the guy. It's all hidden right beneath the DC jersey.


The ride started with a 5 mile climb up a dirt road from Garden of the Gods. This was perfect prep for Mr. B, who is headed to Skull Valley pretty soon when the Whiskey Off-Road goes off. I suffered through that bitch of a climb a few times. It’s the kind of self-flagellation that could get a guy cast in The Da Vinci Code. Brutal, hot, boring, long…but bookended with pretty killer singletrack. Luckily, the climb up to Williams Canyon today also featured some stellar singeltrack.

The trail was a bit more technical than I expected, and I have discovered that I am not riding with a whole lot of intensity lately. I think it’s time to step up my game…ride with MORE INTENSITY.

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About D2

I am a writer and a photographer. I never killed a man in Reno, but I once rode a bike through a casino in Vegas. Bikes are cool, huevos rancheros are for breakfast, whiskey is for dinner. Denver, Colorado, USA

42 Replies to “How to tell I am a Drunkcyclist…”

  1. Awesome pictures D2,

    what are you talking about? your jersey fits you like mine does, sleek, studly men.

    Sadly we’ve had this shit down under, If I was was in ChristChurch I’d happily punch this fuckers lights out.

    Hopefully he reads this blog so that we can set up a date.

  2. Upon being inevitably linked to that video by friends: “Ugh, cycling really is the new golf, that wouldn’t have happened if at least one of them had figured out they were on the trails and not still in the rat race. The fast guy could have stopped and chilled, the slow guy could have stopped and let the fast guy past. Both wankers.”

    Fight video:
    Full video:

    Fuck those guys, I’ve ridden that trail hundreds of times and run into hundreds of riders without getting into a fight.

    Keep it real like D2 out there.

  3. …hi, hurben…long time no hear…

    …while “…it takes two to tango…”, it seems to me that if mr rock-shox-jersey is out enjoying riding through the surroundings, he could simply announce he’ll pull over when he’s comfortable doing so, giving that it is a narrow trail & just as simply, give the rider behind the opportunity to pass, ya ???…

    …we all ride at different speeds, so why play “…dog in the manger…”

    …of course, we dunno how insistent the guy in back was about getting by initially but fuck me, a little cooperation goes a long way…

  4. That section of trail is only 5 minutes long. If I was camera guy I would have pulled over and waited for the angry loser to disappear down the trail. If I was Mr Rockshox, I would have pulled over and let the helmet cam wanker past. I’ve been in both their shoes, and on that trail. They both took the worst course of action and the situation blew up. Don’t get me wrong, the Rockshox guy has no right to try punch out camera guy. If just one of them had made the right decision though, the confrontation wouldn’t have happened. That shit doesn’t belong on the trails.

  5. …@ specialneedz…100% agree…it isn’t always easy but sometimes it’s about putting yourself in the other guys shoes…

    …& you can’t demand respect unless you’re willing to give respect…

  6. Watching two kids (or full grown men acting like children) fight over who has the right-of-way on some mountain bike trail has got to be one of the stupidest things imaginable. And, trust me, I can imagine some pretty stupid shit.

  7. If I’d a been the faster rider in the video (fat chance, but just sayin’) I’d a probably struck up a conversation with the bloke in front of me. Postride, I’d a bought him a pint or fifteen.

    I mean, with trails like that I’d be too happy to start any kind of row. Jeeze.

  8. Yeah, I’m with Joe and the rest of the blokes here. WTF? Me, I usually watch the faster wankers go by from my customary (yet surprisingly comfortable)position upside down in the trail-side bushes.

    But that anger-geezer seemed to be suffering from blood sugar issues or something. For a moment there I thought he was channeling the Green Goblin. Having said that, I am pretty sure that irritating twit with the camera was some kind of Oz-style MTB Hipster.

    Sadly, as an American I overall found the video quite lacking. No blood, no boobs, no guns or karate and as far as chase scenes go, please. Ya could at least have got a dog in there somewhere.

    By the way, do you guys realize even your toilets don’t flush right?

    C’mon. We’re rootin’ for ya up here. MORE INTENSITY, Aussie-san!

  9. Never been to Oz, but I’m pretty sure shit runs downhill there, same as anywhere. The Coreolis Effect only applies to massive huge items over a considerable period of time. And I gots maths to prove it.

    But I’m still out of Bourbon. And I’m in no shape to bike (let alone drive) to the LB(ooze)S.


    Fuck, even.

  10. How did Australia get into this ?

    You may have the maths but the geography bit is missing.

    That there action took place in the Port Hills above Christchurch, South Island, New Zealand, (otherwise known as GodsZone).


  11. What?! Drat! Why didn’t you say so? Hold on, let me get out my trusty Replogle World Nation series 12 inch diameter Globe…just a minute here…(I thought ChristChurch was some form of swearing…)AH! There it is! New Zealand!

    Well, that certainly is embarrassing. Not the Country, my dumbnosity.

    I guess that’s how to tell I’m a Drunkcyclist. Carry on, then.

  12. …c’mon deetoo, you got the triple goin’ on…

    …beer gut, burgeoning double chin & hey, let’s not forget that receding hairline, ya ???…

    …damn, amigo…now i think i owe you a couple a’ beers…

  13. Don’t worry D2,

    Everyone knows that you pack on the blubber for warmth & sustenance over the bleak cold months of winter when food is scarce.

    Wait, it’s Spring up North…


    Hey, on the plus side, at least I have an excuse.

    Even the woolly Mammoths are shopping for down jackets down here, no wait, those are Aussies….

  14. Southern hemisphere and as such a perpetrator of that myth. Beyond that, who gives a fuck?

  15. Sparky,

    You’ve got to stop licking them wires to check if they’ve got current in them…

  16. Listen Sparky,

    You’ve got about 2 years on me, 5 tops.

    We’re ‘thoughtfully aged’ & ‘matured’.

    Old is for those arseholes who don’t ride bicycles.

  17. Perhaps, but ponder this: Do we ride because we are fit and vigorous, or are we fit and vigorous because we ride? In either case we’re just postponing the inevitable.

  18. Dylan Thomas said it best,

    “Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

  19. “The best you can hope for,
    Is to die in your sleep.”

    Kenny Rogers,
    “The Gambler”

  20. …being ‘older’ than you two – (63 comes up in 4 weeks from today) – i gotta side with hurben (& dylan thomas – welsh poets for $500, alex) from the perspective of, if you constantly tell yourself & others “…i’m old…”, you’re constantly reenforcing that notion in your own head…

    …ya, sure, it’s kinda obvious that nobody gets out alive (& like kenny sez – hopefully in our sleep) but have you ever noticed how some folks make a lifestyle out of the ‘winding down’ process wherein their “…i’m old…” becomes their crutch & yet others just embrace life & go for it ’til they drop ???…

    …you’re far from that point, joe but why reenforce that negative…we’re (the 3 of us) of an age that we’re all aware that “getting older” ain’t for sissies but it’s how ya deal with that shit that counts…

  21. …i’ve just been informed by my social secretary (ie: calendar) that i will have progressed to the point of having spent 63 years on this ball of dirt in 3, not 4 weeks from today…

    …fuck…that could mean another week closer to dyin’…or not…bwahahaha !!!…

  22. bgw, “reenforce the negative”, my ass.

    1-“far from that point”-I guess time will tell.
    2-“reenforce the negative”, my ass. It’s only negative if you grant it that power, which I ain’t aboot to do, eh.
    3-“how ya deal with that shit”-Well according to my chiropractor, my6 general practitioner and the guy that treated my recent torn hamstring, I’m in damned good shape for a man half my 60 years, so I guess I must be doin’ SOMETHIN’ right. But what the fuck do I know?

  23. And ya know what’s got me thinkin’ about this shit? My brother-in-law (two days older than me) just had knee surgery. Went to visit him yesterday at the horsepistol and guess what? He looks every nickle of 60; maybe more. And he wouldn’t ride a bike if you held a gun to his balding head. Cause and effect: Discuss.

  24. Oh yeah, and I’m the big six-one if I’m still alive come July. You ain’t that much older. I think pollsters would call it a statistical dead heat.

  25. @D2

    HA! wait’ll you hit the big FIVE OOH!
    Then realise that you’re all you’ve got & you’ve got more sun sets behind you that sun rises in front of you …

    WoooHoo, talk about an emotional train wreck.

    Whippersnapper, look what you’ve got to look forward to.

    @Sparky, I almost nailed it, you’ve got 4 years on me, looks like I’m the youngster of the bunch..

  26. @D2

    Mate, you’re exactly as old as you were meant to be & you’re exactly where you were meant to be, at this point in time.

    Worrying about it isn’t going to change a microsecond of it.

    It’s all good, every new decade brings a new perspective & different priorities.

  27. …sometimes, joe, if you don’t critically dissect something line by line but rather take note of the whole concept, it might make more sense…

    …you said & i quote – “…i’m old…” & i addressed that ‘cuz it’s a line you’ve used on more than one occasion…

    …that being said, i don’t wish at this point to be redundant…

    …so i shan’t be…

    …now, hurben, at #41 has proven himself to be both wise & quite eloquent…