You’re cold? Drink a coat and #occupybikeseat.

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There comes the time in all of our lives when we need to make the decision: to #occupybikeseat or not. Being a reader of this site, you’d think it’s an easy question right? WRONG! There is a bitch in all of us and today I feel like slappin’ a bitch and setting things right.

This time of year, at least for the hairy beasts here in Radison, the temperature has officially dropped to short-dick degrees Fahrenheit. As a side note, Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit was the man behind the measurement. He was part German and if you follow that link on Wednesday, January 18th, the page will be blacked out to protest SOPA. I will also protest SOPA because it’ll most likely affect this website. Cupcake likes the way things are around here and doesn’t want them to change. If you’re anything like him, less government is more better and you’ll call your senator and tell him SOPA is a shitbox and you want to light it on fire.

Anyways, back to the point. This time of year, it’s a hard for us to throw that big drunk leg over that big dumb bike. Maybe because our sticks become twigs or because our tires don’t work on ice rinks. Maybe because we shiver like roadies or because we are hung over (which is fine BTW). Well, Dr. Cupcake is here to tell you that everything will be fine. He is prescribing you a hefty dose of Betty Crocker the Fuck Up and to ride that bike of yours even if it’s six less than zero.

I’ve been riding this fat bitch to work every day for three reasons:

Pack it in, pack it out.

1. You can #occupybeer while you #occupybikeseat and not get hosed.

2. The willies at work think it’s rad.

3. My beard turns into an ice sculpture.


No matter the weather no matter the route, #occupybikeseat or get left out.

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About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

53 Replies to “You’re cold? Drink a coat and #occupybikeseat.”

  1. 11*F when I left home this morning. Tomorrow is highs in the 50s with gusts to match that in mi/h. It’ll be a good day on the dirt roads. New headset and two gears!

  2. -10 in northern Mn. right now.
    -20 something or other by the time I’ll make my way into work in the a.m.
    Live free or die!!!!
    Pedal on!!


  3. Rode the fatties in 1F Sunday evening. The 12 or so inches of fresh powder from Friday was a huge smile maker.

    That fact that it is now destroyed by the 50 F and massive rain we had today, is not.

    Nice Neck Romancer =:)

  4. @TripleF,

    I had to Google that & yep, you’re certainly not the first to call me a Dickhead.

    I would point out that DC is international, (like it or not).

    Different Hemispheres, different seasons, different time zones, (I’m talking to you from 19h09, Wednesday 18th January 2012).

    However I challenge you find an instance on this site where a South African, an Australian or a Kiwi was whinging or complaining, we just get on with things.

    To borrow from AHTBM, “We don’t fuck around, but when we do, we don’t fuck around”.

  5. All them empties from a day at work? God bless you son.

    First thought was you picked em offa the side if the road like my old man did on his bike commute.

  6. Hubren, are you from the Future? In this time plane the clocks only go to 12 and the month goes before the day. PS Can you tell me the winning lotto numbers for tomorrow?

  7. @Hurben It just won’t do, you getting into brawls without consulting the other significant Southern Hemisphere country ;)
    I guess we’ll have to wait for the whingers at Spioenkop? No, don’t tell me you’re expecting me to handle it on my own?

  8. @Hurben

    Seriously ??

    19h09, Wednesday 18th January 2012 ??

    Who the fuck writes a date like that except a Kiwi.

    But I will agree. “We don’t fuck around, but when we do, we don’t fuck around”.

  9. Sideways snow this morning at 5am and I only got to lay the 3rd track down. Number two bike took the good line and effed me for more than an hour. Should have pissed on it last night on the way home just to mark it for the morning ride in.

  10. Dear Mr. Cupcake—

    An excellent rant sir, well-stated, but I’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you a little bit. SOPA is not about “less government is more better;” it’s about ‘less corporate greed is more better.’

    This isn’t the wild west any more. The principal problems facing society today require top-down solutions, and that means government. In this case, we need government to step in and slap those greedy “content provider” bitches and rein in the trillion-dollar gravy train they seek to legislate down your throat.

    3″ of snow here in Seattle; the region is totally paralyzed. I start an eleven-day skiing road trip tomorrow, so I’m kinda digging it. Keep the waxy side down, brothers.

  11. …mikey…didn’t get your take on the ‘finale’ of the ‘specialized’ vs volagi joust…

    …the contract was upheld & the value of big s’s claims were assessed…you satisfied justice was served & the results were all kosher ???…

  12. “The principal problems facing society today require top-down solutions, and that means government.”

    That is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever read.

  13. @BGW— haven’t read up on the case, only familiar with the intardweb rumors. Apparently, Specialized had a case and won. Nothing is fucked, dude. The pecuniary value of the claim seems irrelevant to me; “real world” costs are totally another thing, which neither party are likely to divulge. No doubt, Volagi got HUGE marketing benefit out of it, so they may well see it as a victory.

    @3F— how would you handle environmental, social, or infrastructure issues, overpopulation, resource scarcity, wars and global market issues without government? Are you one of the selfish teenager, self-described “libertarians?” Let me know how that works out, m’kay?

  14. @Mikey,

    Environmental, I would subsidize corn, soy and beef.
    Social, I would make America a Christian state.
    Infrastructure, I would build damns that fuck up rivers.
    Resource scarcity, I would bomb the shit out of Iraq.
    Overpopulation, make abstinence an essential teaching to our children.
    Wars, drones.
    Global market issues, outsource all of our work to China.

    Government, oh yes you do me good. Eat cupcakes, drink beer, #occupyyourgoddamnbikeseat

  15. Dear Mr. Cupcake—

    I’m not sure that I understand your position. Aren’t you arguing against rampant corporatism? You know, the profit-driven end game that Karl Marx predicted, where private monopoly trumps the public interest? If so, we are at least somewhat in agreement. Ride on, brother.

  16. Dear MJ,

    I am a capitalist. Profits aren’t evil. Profits motivate people to drive value. There is obviously greed. When hasn’t there been? The rampant corporatism you speak of, what exactly are you referring to? It can’t be the small businesses that employ most of this country’s workforce can it? When I hear of rampant corporatism, I think of government, for there is no other industry that the common citizen has zero control over, yet is forced by law to pay its wages. I am no socialist, nor a communist and nothing should be equal. It never can be and it never will be. That is not a reality.

    People need to be motivated to drive value, and most people are driven by money, or in my case, beer. Nobody is entitled to anything in life. You must expect what you put in and you can’t be a world class shot-gunner if you don’t drink beer fast every day. You can’t be a pro tour cyclist unless you put in the miles, and the drugs. The government, unfortunately has become an endless money pit for the majority of this country’s hard earned tax dollars, and it needs to be competent and streamlined for everyone to realize the value it provides and not the burden it’s become.

  17. What Cupcake said in a simple equation.

    Capitalism Crony Capitalism.

    Get used to it and get over it Mikey, you socialist shrill.

  18. Fuck.

    You can’t put greater than or less than signs in a post ??


    That second line reads Capitalism “does not equal” Crony Capitalism.

  19. >>>>The rampant corporatism you speak of, what exactly are you referring to? It can’t be the small businesses that employ most of this country’s workforce can it?<<<<

    Mr. Cupcake—

    No, it's not.

    Rampant corporatism is a trillion dollars pissed into the sand of a couple of distant "terrorist" nations. How's your buck fitty gas, anyway? Tree fitty, you say? Sorry brah.

    A trillion dollars spent annually on "health care" while 20% of the nation (fifty million citizens) have no access to medical care. This is twice per capita what the next-highest country (Switzerland) pays, and ten times what Japanese pay.

    A trillion dollars spent on Hollywood "content" from three mega-corporate "providers" who legislate the prosecution of their distribution monopoly via SOPA (see above).

    A trillion dollars to the banking industry while tens of millions of individual homeowners default on their mortgages.

    A trillion dollars to the petroleum industry, posting all-time record profits. (Disclaimer: I hold positions in CON, PEO, SLB, etc.)

    In all, six trillion dollars lost in the last ten years to tax cuts, subsidies and loopholes, according to the non-partisan CBO. I have more examples, not that you need them.

    From what I've read, way over half of all jobs in the U.S. are with billion-dollar corporations. I dabbled in that myself for a while. About one job in six is provided by "small business," which is bizarrely categorized as under $50M in annual revenues. Been there too. Just a wild guess, but your small business is probably well shy of that figure. Tough luck there dude, eh?

    I really don't see where we disagree. Keep your eyes peeled, my brother. Follow the money. Do not become rigid in your views. No one gets out alive, but some of us muddle though this short, brutish existence by riding and skiing a lot, and camping in the desert and shit. See you out there.

  20. >>>>Get used to it and get over it Mikey, you socialist shrill.

    @FFF— I reckon you mean “shill,” and clearly we haven’t met. I made my nut in technical sales and retired at 49. My income is derived from unearned sources, that is, if I reported any income after writing down my “losses.” (I bought into a bank in Mesa AZ of all places, and lost the entire play, goddamit, it’s taking YEARS to write that one down.) Everyone should be so lucky. Enjoy the ride, sir.

  21. @FFF— Keep repeating it. Maybe you weren’t “innovative” enough while I was out there making hay in analytical, semiconductor, aerospace, nuclear, biotech, automotive and whoever else I could peddle my schweet techy boxes to. I spent ten years in the laser business, and it was a bit like the bike industry: cool, but hard to make a living. I was lucky, I had the shizznit thin-film trimmer during the dotcom boom, I loooved that badass little back-end yield-enhancement tool, even if it took me years to get paid. See you on the hill!

  22. Hallelujah Brothers!

    We’re here to save the sick, the poor & the sinners!

    So give us ALL your money & we’ll spend it WISELY in the pubs of the Lord!

    PS. Your Political system scares the shit out of me.

  23. Join the club Hurben.

    Our Political system scares the shit outta me too.

    2nd Civil War anyone ???

  24. The trajectory that our debt is taking now beyond $14 trillion is going to keep having a negative impact on our currency. It goes south, and our currency’s going to have an impact on our standard of living and affect every family in this country, and over time, our international competitiveness.

    Economic recovery must be earned. And it will be earned by entrepreneurs and it will be earned by small businesses who by the way:

    Employ just over half of all private sector employees.
    Pay 44 percent of total U.S. private payroll.
    Have generated 64 percent of net new jobs over the past 15 years.
    Create more than half of the nonfarm private gross domestic product (GDP).

    Mikey, we have lost that which has made us great over the generations, and that is the sense of individual and personal responsibility that we can come up, we can pursue our dreams and our aspirations and we won’t be blocked by government regulation, by the inability to get a loan as a small business to make our dreams come true.

  25. Holy shit. Joe didn’t get in until #36, and then HE DIDN”T SAY ANYTHING! What is the world coming to? Fuckit. I’m going riding.

  26. @Cupcake— Seen.

    I’m all about personal responsibility, it’s partly why I was able to retire comfortably at 49. Never the less, I notice lately that most of then guys going on about “personal responsibility” are privileged and/or fortunate. I’ve been fortunate. Make it easier, don’tcha think?

    I remain slightly confused by one other aspect of your position. You imply that “government regulation” is “blocking” “small business” from getting a loan. Hm, I wonder if there is a profit-driven, “too big to fail” banking corporation that fits into that scenario somehow?

  27. “personal responsibility”

    That excludes the Gubmint you so love.

    Once again, you are a dick.

  28. …personal politics aside & while mine might be different than mikey’s & even yours, fff, through drunkcyclist, mikey & i met when he was down this way on a road trip 2 years ago & we rode together twice in two days & i’ll be honest with ya, if either of us were uncomfortable with each other, we’re both the kinda guys where i doubt there would a’ been a second ride…

    …besides, mikey’s younger & fitter & could a’ ridden away from me on numerous occasions on those rides but we rode together & i’d venture to say we both enjoyed each others company whist putting in some nice pave’ miles…

    …so, please, as a personal favor, dispense with the ‘dick’ business & find something perhaps more apropos or quite literally more ‘politically correct’, ya ???…


  29. Bgw.

    I would like to meet you one day. You are obviously a brilliant, educated and thoughtful man. Someone I would like to be when I grow up

    As far a Mikey is concerned, would peckerhead be better ??

  30. …well, thank you for the compliment, fff…

    “…brilliant…” – ya mean like a shiny new penny ???…on my road bike, in all my gear, i think i look like a shiny ‘older’ penny…brilliant in the sun…

    “…educated…” – nothing to joke about there as i’d bet i’m undoubtedly the least formally educated person who enjoys time spent on this august site…well read ???…yep…willing to research subjects i find interesting ???…yep (& well before this internet thingy made it so easy), but i dropped out a’ high school (we didn’t ‘appreciate’ each other) a month after turning 17 & hit the road with my thumb out & with a copy of kerouac’s ‘desolation angels’ in a duffel bag (nope…read ‘on the road’ years before)…

    “…thoughtful…” – like, sometimes too fulla thoughts to the point of it being a detriment, ya ???…

    …& growing up, even at 62, is something i’m working on, myself…“…& miles to go, before i sleep…”

    …ummm, i was thinking more politically directed as therein lie the differences & thus an opportunity to be more “…correct”

    …just sayin’…

  31. To bgw’s detriment.

    To Mikey,

    I am very sorry you are a dickhead.



  32. …it’s not to my detriment, amigo…to my displeasure perhaps but that’s neither here nor there ‘cuz this site ain’t about me…i was only asking…

    …to be honest, i’ve used language as strong or stronger to call out individuals but i try n’ make it relative to their ‘pronouncements’

  33. Been away skiing (the Epic Flag has been snapping in the wind for four days now) and the ice storm bitch-slapped my internets for a couple of days, but I’d like to belatedly note that I’m in total agreement with Mr. BGW and thank him for the kind words. With any luck, we’ll ride again when I roll through NoCal. I’m totally doing the ARPF ride in June.

    Me? I’m off to Schweitzer Mtn. ID where I have a couch and lift service waiting. Then down into western MT for more drinking and couch-occupying, plus some glissé up at Lookout Pass. With luck, I’ll catch a chance to ski in Kellogg or maybe Spokane on my way home. Keep the waxy side down, brothers.

    Oh, and I also have dates this summer in southern AZ, will bring bikes, and in autumn in Austin TX, where if I’m lucky, Mr. el jefe can show me some flowing sick tacky whatever you punks call it these days.

  34. Bring it Mikey. Did they ever work out the F1 schedule? I’ve been ignoring the local politics of it (big state taxpayer funded incentives to some Perry cronies… on again, off again, on again?) but I see it on the schedule for mid Nov. (far better than August…)

  35. The USGP is starting to look solid for Sunday, November 11, 2012. They recently had a showdown and the fat cats fronted some more benjamins. (Only I don’t think they use benjamins, you’d need a fucking truck to haul it.) When I get back to the flatlands next week I’ll take a look at their tix. We always buy the gold seats; face it, in F1 you wanna be there from the standing start down to lap one, turn one. My F1 bros (and maybe even the wife) are cyclists all. More as it develops.