Check the Schlecktacles

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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, now you too can be outfitted with a pair of genuine Schlecktacles. Perfect for the cyclist who spends 90% of his time looking at what’s going on behind him. Just like Andy Schleck.

Check the Schlecktacles

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Yes, you too can save yourself from the neck strain incurred when constantly turning yourself half-way ’round backwards while trying to win the biggest bicycle race on the planet.

Check the Schlecktacles

Image Source:

Check the Schlecktacles

Image Source:

Check the Schlecktacles

Image Source:

* Warning: May cause irritability, lack of spine, difficulty breathing, difficulty with shifting, pedaling, turning, and going. Particular problems have occurred in use descending La Côte De La Rochette and riding in circles in Dairy Queen parking lots. May cause hair loss, noticeable shrinking of the testicles, and the open disdain, ridicule, and mockery of millions. Some test subjects (henceforth and hereinafter dismissed as a statistical anomaly, but we’re providing you sue-happy vermin with notice anyway) have experienced difficulty in trying to harden the fuck up. May cause an irreversible dependency on Vagisil and like products. May lead to difficulty winning bicycle races. And, in some cases, full blown AIDS.

For the photoshop inclined among you, feel free to put together your finest efforts in superimposing a set of Schlecktacles on the conjoined twin Schleck sisters. Please post links in the comment section. (I’d say email ’em to me, but I’m straight buried at the moment.)

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

44 Replies to “Check the Schlecktacles”

  1. Yeah, they should both go to the front and time trial…geez, they (really Andy) are fighting against a 3 time tour champion who hasn’t shown himself until yesterday.

    I’m digging this years Tour…I’m may end up regretting saying that but so far I think it has been fantastic and the Schlecks should keep doing what they’ve been doing.

    I do also think it is pretty cool and fairly rare to see to brothers competing at that level.

  2. HAHAHAHAHA ,twice as much in the warning as the pitch , reminds me of a Pharma ad. Makes me want it more.

  3. Jonny, Good to see the books haven’t dulled your sense of humor. One more week, my friend.

    Here’s hoping that the next two days do not disappoint.

    Anyone but the Schlecks, FTW.

  4. Here’s a tweet that sums it up perfectly:

    MagnusBackstedt Magnus Backstedt

    Why the hell are the Schleck brothers riding looking backwards all the time. No wonder they crash a lot and find downhills tricky!!!

  5. Should send one over the Cadel, he looks like he’ll be getting neck strain the next week or so …

  6. tippycup, I don’t know where you’re from, but the W cat 4s in NorCal are harder than those two pansies from Luxembourg!

  7. Maybe tippycup does a tape under and races the W cat 4’s and knows what he is talking about.

  8. What happened to the fire in his belly?

    Here’s to seeing Tommy on the Podium on Sunday.

  9. Great product! Put me down for three. You could follow up this winning idea with the ‘Cavendish Claws’ – grab on to any passing car and coast your way to the finish!

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  11. I guess Andy Schleck has just been looking over his shoulder waiting for his suitcase of courage to turn up after being lost in the flight over from Luxembourg, today it did!

  12. ha. not a big fan of the bros. andy goes with 60k left. kinda manly. the only person in his rear view now is Marco. Conta-who? i guess it was kinda hard to for Cadel to make up ground with nobody to wheelsuck. ha.

    Viva la Voeckler.

  13. Either this board is full of dipshits as suggested or….perhaps….this board challenged ol’ Andy boy to stop acting like a whiny bitch and man up.

    I bet he saw this post last night and cried himself to sleep. Woke up this am to avenge the honor this post maligned.

    Yep. DC is responsible for today’s win. That’s my bet.

    Course I wouldn’t put any real money on it ya understand.

    Just saying…

  14. Whatever, Cadel drove that train and cut the gap to Andy S in half. Even with no-one else doing any work, Clenbutacuntador and Cunego were gone. Voekler and Basso were barely hanging on at the end, and Frank S had to wait until the final 100m to make any sort of attack. I think we can stop with the Evans never attacks bit. His attack was over 10K long…

  15. It really didn’t take the Schleck’s to expose this board as being full of dipshits. I thought that was common knowledge?

  16. Don’t worry everyone, the Schecktacles will come out again on Saturday when they attempt to time trial

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  18. @ #34 – is “sfb” now codetalk for sommersflyby? you know, the pussy from last year’s exchange(s)? if so, eat shit.

  19. How come everything AlpinePorch says is always so negative and confrontational? I thought this was a site about drinking and bike riding…sorry about your dick, homeboy.

  20. I dunno. I spend a lot of money and brain cells on the porch at Alpine Pizza. I see no reason to stand on a log and scream it to the world. I mean, really, who cares? It’s bar in a town much like many other bars in many other towns. Good times? Sure. People have good times all over the planet. Whatever. I’m too tired.