First thing: Way cool. One of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt, is coming to the Rialto Theater on the 29th of April. F for Fat Fuck Nation.
Patton, if you can read this, please make some jokes about this ridiculous irony I see every day, to change my anger to laughter, because frankly, this shit ain’t funny:
What you are looking at is a pothole, one of thousands in Tucson’s streets, but this one is a special pothole because it is directly south of this sign:
The sign is along a very heavily ridden bicycle route: 4th Avenue. The City of Tucson decided that big, ugly, asphalt filled TRAFFIC CIRCLES would be a bicycle or pedestrian improvement. I have been nearly thrown from my bike several times by the pot holes in the neighborhood that this road is a part of, and the way drivers are reacting to the new idiot circles is more of a danger than ever, I have found. Does Tucson ride a bicycle? Clearly, its focus is keeping asphalt workers employed, but not on the simple, low cost tasks.
LIKE FILLING THE FUCKING POTHOLES. F: Failure to deliver. This sign is a very un-funny joke.
Tucson’s grade for being bicycle friendly: F for Fucked. Also, F for FUCK YOU, POLICE. While the government sits on deciding to make safe approaches to intersections without stopping legal, one of your asshole revenue generating ticket monkeys pulled me over for ‘failure to come to a complete stop’ – something I do hundreds of times a day, and it is not only completely safe but very necessary for me. If I had to come to a complete stop at every stop sign, my knees would be even more in pain than they are. Tucson, you just don’t understand. The random holes all over the city get bigger and remain un-filled. The police threaten to issue points on driver’s licenses for so called ‘violations’ on bicycles. F for Fraud.
The south side connector path still remains un-built. You still can’t get to 22nd on the Rillito path. Tucson’s government doesn’t give a an F – – F for Flying Fuck about the safety or peace of its cyclists. These white elephant projects just mock our common sense. Unlike other “bicycle friendly” cities, here it appears to be the intent.
If I come in first in the Special Olympics, do I get a pony?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMXYE_50Ts
I note that Gnome has once more pulled the plug on comments.
Which is a bit disappointing as once this thread had gotten over LJ ranting & various responses, it just became a random flow with everyone have a goodtime bullshitting, no threats of violence or verbal attacks.
Counting up, the lack of abuse is probably a record on this site.
My feelings are that if you don’t like the thread, ignore it.
If it’s a bandwidth or storage issue, set up some form of donation mechanism & I’ll happily throw dollars at it.
If you come home after a shitty day at work pushing bedpans or whatever you do, don’t throw everyone out of ‘your’ sandpit because you don’t like the game.
Given that I know the secret of how to comment while comments are disabled, I’m tempted to continue to push to the Magic 300.
But I won’t because the goal has lost it’s lustre, but full credit to Triple F, Tony, Capt’n Tony, Sparky, BGW, mikey, el jefe & others, it was a great ride.
Take care out there.
What he said.^^^
…wore my cool, designed by snegg hogg, drunkcyclist jersey for the first time today on my birthday ride…considering the “comments by” box was eliminated this morning, i couldn’t quite wear it with the pride i had hoped to…
…& if ya can’t wear a jersey & be proud, well, hmmm…
…wonder if i’ll wanna wear it anymore ???…
…guess we’ll see but right now, i think something got pissed on & that’s a damn shame, ya ???…
Totally with Hurben.
This thread started off a “piss on lj” deal and ended up a silly, off the wall chat about anything and everything.
Damn shame the plug was pulled.
Comments seem to be cut right after my post #251. So it was my fault. Mea culpa. Retarded is ok. Horses are ok. But retarded horses is NOT ok. If you didn’t see the video go back and click on it. It’s guaranteed to lower your IQ by 50 points.
ThejerkoffformerlyknownasTony is now gone. His pirate friends got sick of his nonsense so we keelhauled him, then seasoned him with a spicy dry rub, smoked him all the next day lo and slo. He was a skinny feller, little bit gnarly but he still tasted good. Is cannibalism an unfit topic for DC?
@BGW Happy Birthday you old bastard!!
And hopefully I’ll see you pirates on the next post we hijack.
Arrrrr. Prepare to be boarded, ye scurvy dogs.
…‘arrr’ is right, joe…& thanks, cap’n tony…is that a cutlass in yer scabbard or are you just glad to see me ???…
…so, mateys…are we gonna have our sails “reefed” from now on or is this “ship of fools” gonna float, sails unfurled, full speed ahead into uncharted waters ???…
…“…it’s a pirates life for me..”…
bgw wants pirates. bgw gets pirates. DC style.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dysG12QCdTA
…ya know, fff, despite the romanticized image of pirates over the years, that just might be a more realistic version when ya consider the circumstances…
…for every available female on the high seas, ie: not many, there were more than few ragged horny pirates…
…maybe “walk the plank” was really a euphemism for what pirates did with ‘morning wood’ ???…
…‘arrrhhh…tell the cabin boy to get in the barrel…i’s feeling romantic, me buckos’…
“Give me a fast ship, for I intend to go in harm’s way.”
John Paul Jones, American naval hero
“Fortune favors the bold.”
ibid
You mean this John Paul Jones eh ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXxFK_OjM38
Many years ago I helped chaparone a field trip of my daughter’s class. We went to Annapolis MD, toured our state Capitol and (pre-9/11) were taken on a tour of the United States Naval Academy, where the best our country has to offer are trained to be the best this world has ever seen.
In the Academy’s chapel are entombed the earthly remains of John Paul Jones, American naval hero. He lies, as they say at Arlington, “in honored glory”.
Well, our guide was a Petty Officer First Class. Female, and yes, smokin’ hot. She was telling of the heroic exploits of John Paul Jones and some idiot made the Led Zeppelin quip. You never would have guessed by the Petty Oficer’s demeanor that said wisenhiemer would have been two seconds away from the ass whuppin’ of his life at another time and in another place, and from a split tail, no less.
Professional and disciplined. Like I said, the best of the best. I thank God every day that her brothers and sisters in arms are watching out for us.
Damn, I think I could use a drink. And maybe a Kleenex.
Now we’re talkin’ pirates? Sweet! I’ve got the avatar here tattooed on my arm…Blackbeard’s flag.
And bgw…I rocked my DC jersey yesterday as well.
I tried on my DC jersey the other day. First time since I got it.
Oh the horror. The horror.
I gained way too much weight over the Winter. I am now a certified fat fuck. Going to be a couple months before I try wearing it again.
35 to go. Can we do it? Yes we can!
Oops, I meant 34. 32 when I post this’n. Usually right decent at math, but one of my cats is on the desk all up in my face demanding my undivided attention. More fun that a barrel of turtles in the hold of a npirate ship.
Dear Gawd joe.
How drunk are you ??
I am so jealous.
FUCK YOU POTHOLE!
Source: http://donedid.tumblr.com/post/5217413054/fuck-you-pothole.
Aah poor mite ?
But….
YES!!
Thread has the official seal of approval from the site deity!!
Permission to come aboard fellow Turtle Pirates ?
“Arrr Jim Lad,
Twas a rough passage!
Who put sand in the vaseline? “
@271-Wasn’t drunk at all. Just got home from work. One of my spoiled rotten cats was all up in my face while I was trying to type. He missed Daddy, I guess.
Actually do my finest posting when I’m about half in the bag.
Um Sparky,
That’s @269.
But it’s those Kittehs again..
Akshooly, teh kittehs nawt responsbiblol. Was kaffeen defishinsea.
kbai
…littlejar has a sister !!!…who knew ???…
…i see riding bikes isn’t the only thing that runs in the family…
…just sayin’…
Is her name Francine?
Actually that’s lj as a kid. Sex change operation don’t ya know.
Only something went horribly wrong. We don’t discuss in public beyond that.
–
And now we’re back to ragging on lj. This thread has jumped the shark fer sure. We should get to 299 and then shut it down.
(in best pirate voice) Nevarrrrrrr!!!!
My nomination for worst pirate joke evah.
—————-
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrrrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”
…favorite pirate joke…
…A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”
“Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”…
…#280 & there’s still some life left in this baby…
…@sfb…somewhere in my subconscious, i knew i’d seen your avatar before & that’s it !!!…as you mention, that’s edward teach or as he became known, blackbeard’s pirate flag…
…i recall doing a report about blackbeard, way back in public school, so i’d seen that flag but it’s pretty amazing to have that as a tattoo, matey…
…there was a picture posted here on drunkcyclist last summer of moi avec road bike, all kitted up in a black ‘skull & crossbones’ pirate jersey…
…avast, me buckos…it’s a pirates life for me…
300? Can of corn.
@joe
Can of corn ? I had to look that up.
You Sir are a repository of useless information.
“…had to look that up.”? With an attitude like that, you damned sure ain’t battin’ cleanup. Park it, son.
Park it ? So I’m not a one gear antique like you. Sue me.
And I was a major diamond player growing up. But I never heard that can of corn thingie. That’s from the 30’s I guess ?
Bad News Bears. I was the fat catcher. What ever his name was. Englebert ?
I bet you were the nose picker who couldn’t catch eh ?
…triple f n’ joetheelectrician…
…“…ride the pine…” or “…walk the plank…”…
…your choice, gentlemen…selig’s folly or pirates of the caribbean…
So. Uhmmm. Pirates don’t play baseball is what your telling me ??
Well. Fuck baseball then. Pirates are so much cooler.
Arrrrrrrrr. Shiver me timbers, ya bilge rat. Avast mateys. Etc, etc, etc.
…the ‘pittsburg pirates’…in name only…
…real ‘avast, matey’ pirates are way cool…
…somalian pirates, not so much…
…just sayin;…
Won’t be no Somali pirates if Obama give ’em the Osama. Just sayin’.
@285: “…one gear antique…” FYI (look it up if you need to) I had my first freewheel ride today in dog’s years on my ’91 HooKoo.
Guy at bike shop: “Remember, this one keeps going when you stop pedaling.”
Me: “I’ll be careful.”
So this is what it feels like to pedal up a nine percent grade, seated. What an odd sensation.
Arrrr shipmates,
I be suspecting that the villainous troll Gnome be keeping the comments sidebar under lock & key until this merry thread be sunk.
Therefore I be proposing that we gets our 300, securing our legend in thread pirate history & then we scuttles this thread. Then we seeks out new threads to board & plunder.
What say you shipmates?
Please note, no turtles were harmed in this thread hijacking, no chemicals were used & only decent beer was consumed, just as God intended..
I be a fair musket shot when I be up in the rigging, Cap’n. And no slouch with ye cutlass neither, if I do say so meself. Permission to come aboard.
Arrrr Sparky, ye be welcome anytime, and yer pirate Kitteths
http://danshive.deviantart.com/art/Pirate-Turtle-95529572
We must never forget the turtles.
…shit…i was expecting more out a’ you guys…i just get home from work, it’s 4:00am & i wanted to be able to hit maybe a warm up with a #298 & a #299 & then finally splatter the deck of this reeking hulk with a mighty, mighty #300…
…but nooo !!!…you give me nothin’ so now i’m only batting .295…
…i could a’ strapped a turtle to each foot & moved faster than this…
Sorry bgw. I for one am running out of steam on this post.
I mean really. How much baseball playing turtle pirate crap can we come up with ?
4 more and we can shut this sucker down for good and go hijack another post.
Courage Shipmates!
The prize is in sight.
Let us gird our loins, (make sure that the girding material is black otherwise there’ll be the inevitable sausage fest), and with a MIGHTY Turtle Pirate ROAR count down to the finish,
THREE……
I say #300 should go to our brilliant, magnanimous, slim, good looking glorious leader.
None other than the Dark Lord his-self.
Anything else would be an insult.
Do I know how to kiss ass or what ??
I love turtle soup.
Two…
DOS
…hey…are we @ #300 yet ???…