Happy Mondays

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Santogold – Creator


Oh hell yeah. That felt good. That’s the jam right there.

I’m feeling a link dump. You feeling it too?

Link Dump:
[jp6] joesixpack.net
[it’s all the rage] nozzlerage.com
[it ain’t a bike, but….] thisnext.com
[cycling needs me] sports.espn.go.com
[a mountain bike changed my life] cnn.com

Some good news from across the pond:

Bottles and cans of alcohol are to carry labels warning consumers they could end up shitfaced.

Many people are still ignorant of the effects of drinking an absolutely enormous amount of whisky. The move comes as figures reveal a massive 1.3% of the UK population are unable to handle a night on the sauce.
Source: thedailymash.co.uk

Fucking Brits. Bunch’a queers.

What? My father was born there? Fuck! What does that make me?

Don’t answer that. I’d rather go through life not knowing.

From: Paddy
Subject: Quote of the week
“It’s lack of pussy that fucks countries up. Lack of pussy is the root-fucking-cause of all global instability. If more hajjis were getting quality pussy, there’d be no reason for us to come over here and fuck them up like this, because a nut-busting hajji is a happy hajji…. If you took the Republican Guard and comped their asses in Vegas for a weekend, no fucking war…. If Saddam invested more in the pussy infrastructure of Iraq than he did on his gay-ass army, then this country would be no more fucked up than, say, Mexico.”

-Corporal Ray Person

The man may be on to something.

Regarding Gnome’s post of July 26th, Mob Of Bicyclists Injure Motorist In Seattle, it seems the initial media response was one of: Bad Cyclist – No Donut.

Or, my personnel favorite: When Massholes Attack!

But, instead it appears now, in the light of day, the driver nearly killed someone.

Imagine that: The man driving a car ran a cyclist, and his bike, over.

And what got trotted out was something entirely different:

…a man and a woman in a Subaru station wagon tried to pull out of a parking spot. But some of the bicyclists blocked them, sat on the car and began banging on the vehicle. Words were exchanged between the male driver and the bicyclists.

The driver feared being assaulted and backed up, but bumped a biker and enraged the group. In response, some of the bikers smashed the windshield and rear window. He tried to drive away but hit another bicyclist.
Source: kirotv.com

We all got fooled because we thought we could rely on the multitude of seemingly reputable news websites parroting the same line. When you read much the same thing at the website for such a paper as the Seattle Times and that of some local network, in this case, kirotv, you start believing what they’re telling you.

Not everyone out there did. On the 26th, Erica Barnett wrote:

Having read numerous emails from eyewitnesses who say the driver in the incident deliberately drove into a crowd of cyclists with his Subaru, however, I have a few questions for the Seattle media and police.

Why, if the driver assaulted several cyclists with his car, is he being treated as the victim?

Why is hitting cyclists with intent to harm them—or “nudging” them, or throwing things at them, or forcing them off the road—not considered assault with a deadly weapon?

Why does SPD and the media consider harm to property—the Subaru, whose tires were slashed and whose windows were broken—a far worse crime than running over and potentially killing a defenseless person with a 2,000-pound machine?

Why, when cyclists pay for local roads just like drivers do, do some drivers assume they have more right to the road than cyclists do—indeed, that cyclists have no right to the road at all?

Why do newspapers and TV stations always take the cops at their word—and assume that people they can’t identify with, like greasy-haired cyclists protesting car culture, must be lying?
Source: slog.thestranger.com

Good questions. No good answers.

Erica had more up for you reading pleasure in a Critical Mass Roundup

…it was too early this weekend to say whether the incident might change the way the Seattle Police Department handles future Critical Mass rides, which are held on the last Fridays of each month.
Source: seattletimes.nwsource.com

You had better believe this is going to change the way the police department handle future critical mass rides. And it’s going to be in more places than just Seattle.

Get ready for permit enforcement, folks. It is coming to a town near you.

From: Joseph
Subject: Redneck Tank Top
This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama , Walmart while she was going to the Flea market.

Look at it closely.

Now I ask you…

Who sits and looks at a pair of men’s briefs and says hmmmm… I can make a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand…$6 for a three pack is a good price!!

When I think of a girls wearing men’s underwear, I think back to those many (many) U of A campus bi-sects back when I rode road bikes a whole hell of a lot. The look of the day was a small t-shirt and a pair of men’s boxer shorts w/ flip-flops.

Trust me, it was bangin’.

I’m Voting Republican


As good a list of reasons as anything else I’ve heard lately.

And I’ve heard a lot. Trust me.

I’ll leave you with this one. My man need a miracle or some shit.

From: Cody
Subject: Stuff in your mailbox
SSWC is coming up. I still need help with an entry if you know the right person to grovel to.

Plus, I need a lift down PCH, no one will come get me.

Good luck with that. All of it.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

17 Replies to “Happy Mondays”

  1. As to the Mob of Cyclists in Seattle:

    I am glad they punched the dude driving the car and fucked up his car. I don’t care who goes to jail for what and I couldn’t give a shit less about critical mass and I couldn’t care less about it being associated to cycling in general.

    Simply put, if more assholes like the driver of the car got to taste their own blood, there would be less assholes.

    All other things aside (in other words, forget the car, forget the bikes), that guy and more importantly his wife will remeber the day he tried to play tough guy and got taken to school, back in the day style.

  2. It’s a happy monday because..
    Robert Novak has a brain tumor…Cancer has a fun side.

    (yeah that’s a little harsh, but the longer ya hang out in oncology land, the funnier it gets)

    My, people get up about CM. In the places where I’ve been able to ride in one, it was mostly about helping riders get more comfortable around traffic, and learning from others.

    And Beer.


  3. I’ve had Santogold on the brain lately. I caught their act on Letterman one night and been curious since. Nice. Thanks.

  4. My old lady plays one of the lesbians in the I’m Voting Republican video…

  5. Ode to Santo Gold…

    The only hop
    better than hip,

    Is that of the bunny
    or maybe the kick flip.

    Hip hop is dead, long live hip hop.

  6. Honestly…Critical Mass does nothing by enrage drivers and turn them off to cyclists. I think it helps to discredit a lot of the advocacy others are doing. I commute in Chicago. Live in Chicago. Work downtown Chicago. I love cycling and this city has a lot to offer for a cyclist. There is a lot of work to do, but I think we are moving in the right direction.

    Getting the word out is awesome! Rolling 500 strong through the streets of DT Chicago at rush hour, is not. Like everyone else who rides their bike, people just want to go home after their day of work, regardless of how they get there. They interrupt pedestrians, cars, buses, etc. I ride my bike to work and Critial Mass gets in my way of getting home!

    What are some more solutions for advocay? Organize rides with your friends, not 500 of your closest friends. Work with the city to get permits if it starts to get big. You shoudln’t need permits with good path planning and organization. Start hosting fundraisers that benefit cycling advocacy. Get involved in organized non-profit groups like Chicago Bicycle Federation and CAMBr. Do not unleash mass chaos on the people (drivers) you are trying to get a long with. Do your OWN advocay with people you know, work with, or see doing something “wrong” on their commute or ride. Be-friend other cyclists. I got 6 people in my office to start riding to work in the last year. I did it only by talking about it in the work place.

    My personal asshole opinion? Yeah, I can be a dick and this is what I really think…..Critical Mass is simply a place for hipster douch bags that can’t think for themselves, so they just become one of the pions. A few strong voices rise up and tell the others what to do. Mob mentality develops.

    Iraq comments on “pu$$y” are just ignorant and dumb. If I recall correctly, Person was one of the first Marines into Iraq. He was written about in “Generation Kill”. Read some of the other comments he makes…real genius.

  7. Hey did you see the video of the NYC cop knocking over one of the critical mass riders there? He would have got away with it, scot-free, if someone hadn’t had the camera on him. This is the kind of mentality we are dealing with out there, from the would-be authorities. When there is no legal recourse, when the law is criminal, what is there but vigilanteism? This is the backdrop of critical mass seattle.

    I rode with critical mass seattle one time. I dress more or like some of those other kids when I ride, even if I don’t really fit in with them. If a cop thought I was just some “punk kid” and had lowered his shoulder and put me into the curb, I could have broken my collarbone, my wrist, my neck. In most jobs, you can’t work with a broken neck, or so I’ve heard. And I’m lucky: as a physician, I make a good living, and I have disability insurance. But what would have really happened after the cop accused me of assaulting him?

    More likely, no one would have had the camera on his ass, and I would have been hauled to fucking jail, and charged with a felony. Then my license to do my job would be revoked.
    His word against mine. And he’s the cop. And the outcome? Well, let’s just say that’s a pretty huge fucking difference in what can happen to a man, to go from calmly riding along, to having his life sacked by criminal charges. Thank god for that film, whatever this kid does for a living, he doesn’t deserve to have it turned into shit.

    Drivers need to realize that these people on bikes that they think might be jobless, shiftless punks who don’t have anywhere to be….that these people might be the doctor going to the hospital to take care of their grandmother. That they might be their stockbroker. That they might be the guy who was going to open a new restaurant down the street. People keep assuming that the bicyclists are the “other,” and not the “us.”

    Ride safe out there.

  8. I wasn’t at the Seattle Critical Mass, but live in Capitol Hill where the ride started. I’m not gonna make judgements on the specifics of the incident, but reading between the lines of the news articles sounds like fault on both sides. Yeah yeah yeah bikes are traffic too, we pay taxes for the roads, I agree with all that.

    I bike commute 40 miles round trip, and to have a bunch of city-riding, skinny-pants, hipster no-helmet-pushing-your-fixie punk-asses get all belligerent, provoking the slightly perturbed driver into road rage, get all the news and hate, does NOTHING for the people who actually commute, not just ride their Crayola bikes from Lava Lounge to Lindas. Fucking posers giving cyclists a bad name. Fucking grow up.

    I’m glad no one was seriously hurt, but the mob mentality was just waiting to bust out, and that driver got the short end of it. When its one car vs 20 cyclists I wonder who the “defenseless” one is, especially if there are U-locks and knives involved.

  9. You mean this video Dan?
    “Modified Assignment” If I was caught on tape standing in the middle of a stream of moving cyclists then randomly picking one to violently assault, I would be leaving the scene in handcuffs.

  10. Guys-

    Today, both Seattle dailies (the Times and Post-Intelligencer) ran the CM altercation story on the front page, above the fold. I get the Times, and read their article. Among today’s letters to the editor are numerous vitriolic rants against cyclists, directly generated by a few asshats on the CM ride.

    One woman wrote of her experience riding a CM, “While I found that many people involved with Critical Mass are friendly, considerate and eager to promote a positive image of bicyclists, I observed that many other members participate solely to show off their trendy bikes and purposely annoy drivers.”

    Ouch! That’s a little close to home, eh? Is it a coincidence that the guy who was run over by the Subaru last Friday evening was riding a custom fixie?

    Cascade Bicycle Club (over 10,000 members, me included) posted this extremely rational statement yesterday:


    A story: I was out with a Cascade group ride (Tuesday night EST) a couple years back, when an unfortunate incident occurred, but was extremely well handled by the Cascade ride leader.

    We had at least two dozen wheels out on the road, and a minivan slowed and signaled to turn right into a driveway. Our group split to allow this driver to make their turn. Just as the vehicle slowly turned into the driveway, some dick on a touring rig shoots out of the following group, bangs his elbow against the quarter panel of the minivan and screams, “HEY!”

    A teenage girl jumps out of the minivan, shaking like a leaf and with tears running down her face. Our ride leader immediately took her aside, apologized and offered contact information at the club. He then took the dickwad touring guy aside and dis-invited him to all future club rides.

    I very seriously doubt this task was at all pleasant for the ride leader. I really don’t imagine that’s why he volunteers to lead dozens of riders all over the east side every week. He totally stood up and did the right thing. when one of his own riders fucked up.

    The lesson: Cascade good, CM asshats. QED.


  11. Newsflash…Cops are assholes, not all, maybe not even most but way too many of them are.