Hump Day

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The one: You haven’t touched a bike all week. You’ve been drinking like a fish. You’re coming in a bit heavy.

The two: My wife drives to work, so I get a ride with her telling myself, if she’s already going that way… The liver is evil and must be punished… I don’t know and I don’t care. Believe me, I can’t wait to get out in the forest and the fuck away from all of you. Last Sunday, shit was off the hook in my hood:… Yeah, and some cat I work with pointed out that, yes, jonny really does roll through with and Eagles sweatshirt, Tims and a gold chain.

Lets kick it off with this one from the fine folks (I’ve no idea really, just seems like a nice thing to say) over at I’m getting shit tons of emails about that one, like off the hook crazy emails.

I posted it. You can stand down on the email tip any time now. (late edit: BikePunk already splashed this. I wrote most of this last night, and only got around to actually posting it on my lunch break. Sue me.)

And if you’re interested, I didn’t see the fucking bear either.

From: Stevil Kinevil
Subject: Must Ash
You’d better fucking believe its time again.

Hair Ye, Hair Ye!

It is with hesitant excitement that I officially announce the highly anticipated yet not so long overdue return of the Mustache Bash. Only time will tell if we’ll come to regret said excitement, but for now I say: Gentlemen, Start Your Mustache. That’s right fells – stimulate those follicles, work on the costumery and test out your finest pick up line. It is rumored that people are traveling from far off lands for this one. The competition is bound to be tough.

Saturday, May 24, 2008
Your mustache will be judged in various categories. There will be a winner for each as well as the crowning of the Super ‘Stache. Every good mustache should be able to deliver an equally epic pick up line. Be prepared to lay your best one on the judges.

The rules are simple:
-NO FUCKING BEARDS! Miscellaneous face fur is highly discouraged. If you insist on showing up with additional facial hair, the mustache must stand alone.

The entry fee:
-1 mustache related piece of art per contestant. These pieces become your prizes, so think about something you’d be delighted to receive.

Stay tuned for additional information about registration, location, categories, judges, and the like. May the best whiskers win.

Could this bring the kid outta retirement?

Yo, I gots to represent.

More on that tip here:

A sign that the apocalypse is here
How the hell can drug testers justify doing that?

How can they justify it? They can’t. No need to go there. Ever. There is a line. And that one danced all over it.

You gotta take the high road. If he’s doping on such an occasion, fucking let ’em. You’ll nab ’em up next time. ‘Cause anyone willing to use that as an excuse to mainline some of that Belgian Bunny Juice (Bruyneel style – ya heard?) is a sloppy ass bitch who’ll misstep in no time.

From the article:

Belgian cyclist Kevin Van Impe was taken for a routine drugs test just as he was at the crematorium filling in papers following the death of his baby son, media reported Saturday.

The Quick Step rider was at Lochristi crematorium when a drugs tester turned up and demanded he provide a sample, warning that otherwise he could face a two-year suspension.

“He wouldn’t even come back later in the day. It was either do it right on the spot or it would be taken as if I had refused,” Van Impe told Web site

Van Impe was arranging the funeral of son Jayden, born prematurely on Monday and who died just six hours later.

That ain’t right.

I’m not sure this is either, but fuck it.

From: Big R
Subject: this had DC written all over it
this might be the coolest yet most disturbing thing i have ever seen

i guess it is safe to say that if you have to order BMX stuff mail order, then you should do it through these guys

you freeriders think you are badass with all your stunts and suspension!

Yeah. Shit. Or. Something. Kids are crazy.

From: Sess Dog
Subject: Dave Moulton’s Bike Blog
don’t know if you read this blog or not. have heard various rants on your site about the fixed gear bikes, or fixies, or whatever… check out the march 10th post.

Random closing nonsense:
How they hold it down at the Slick 50
Steroids in America
Skinny guys fight til they’re burger, man.

Fair play: “Hank IV is a San Francisco panic-skiffle rock band with no relation whatsoever to the Hank Williams clan.” From their site:

Good to know, ’cause Hank Williams III is off the chain.

Yo, on that last one with the skinny dude: I don’t know who that cat is, and I don’t ever need to. He is my hero tonight.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

5 Replies to “Hump Day”

  1. “you freeriders think you are badass with all your stunts and suspension!”


    Wow, flippin’ sweet double tailwhip. That’s a big trick, boyz.


  2. I have just read an article about the extreme dangers of drinking and it has scared me shitless, thats it, no more for me, I will never read again!!!!