We’re No. 3! We’re No. 3!

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Read it and weep, bitches — Bibleburg is the third drunkest city in the Benighted Snakes of Amerika, according to Men’s Health magazine. Only Denver and Anchorage, Alaska, pound it down harder and faster than Bibleburgers, who apparently will drink anything from stolen communion wine to Aqua Velva. And Flagstaff? Doesn’t even crack the top 10, despite Big Jonny’s legendary thirst.

Here’s the top 10:

1. Denver
2. Anchorage, Alaska
3. Colorado Springs
4. Omaha, Neb.
5. Fargo, N.D.
6. San Antonio
7. Austin, Texas
8. Fresno, Calif.
9. Lubbock, Texas
10. Milwaukee

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About Patrick O'Grady

Making stuff up for money since 1977. Making stuff up about cycling for money since 1989. See VeloNews and Bicycle Retailer & Industry News, found crumpled near the crapper in stylish homes and pro bike shops worldwide.

13 Replies to “We’re No. 3! We’re No. 3!”

  1. I’d like to thank the academy, and the breweries, and the distilleries, and my Mom, but Jesus can suck it.

    Shots all round \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/

  2. Its amazing that we’re 3rd and that many C. Springs drunkards also contributed to Denver taking the gold.

  3. DAMN! What’s up Midwest and East Coast? Ain’t ya gots no love fo’ the drunk?

    Try my best in ChiTown..

  4. Whoever made this list doesn’t know shit. Alaska I’ll believe, but where’s Louisiana? Those fuckers can out drink all of us put together. After all the towns in AK or LA, no place else even makes it in the door. Colorado Springs and Denver? Please. My sides hurt from laughing.

  5. wtf, Omaha nebraska got 5th? those lazy bastards couldn’t finish a 6 pack of cold bud light if their lives depended on it.

    we don’t have the nickname,

    drinkin lincoln for nothing man…

  6. …clearly, by drinking your troubles away because yer disappointed in the old hometown standings, only assures a better placement on next years list…

    …i believe this is called a win/win situation…

  7. The way I know this thing is f’ed up, is Miami is at the bottom. If you’ve ever spent more than about 10 mins anywhere in Florida, you know its better after about a gallon of rum.

  8. I beleive the list..Other than Denver and Austin, I’m sure that the locals in any of the other cities would tell you “Well wha else we spose ta do?”

  9. Where the hell is Fuckin’ Pittsburgh!? THOSE Fuckers can put it down, gawdammit! Clearly, these results are skewed. I’m thinking maybe those doing the research were participating in their own study, as it were, and were too hung over to bother with anything east of the Mississippi. I volunteer to lead the East Coast team.

    Wait a minute, Patrick O’Grady READS Mens’s Health?

  10. Just another bit of proof that this town is FULL of hypocritical bastards. They will condemn you for drinking as they get together will all their friends and plan on how to take more of your money through tithing while they get all fucked up on martinis. Fuck ’em all…I need another 2 Below…