Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France

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Leave it to the Onion…

Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France
August 30, 2007 | Onion Sports

PARIS—A small but enthusiastic crowd of several dozen was on hand at the Tour de France’s finish line on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées Tuesday to applaud the efforts of the 28 cyclists who completed the grueling 20-stage, 2,208.3-mile race without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs.
Enlarge Image Non Doping

“This is a very, very proud day for me,” said the 115-pound Kvistik, who lost 45% of his body mass during the event, toppled from his saddle moments after finishing, and had to be administered oxygen, fed intravenously, and injected with adrenaline by attending medical personnel. “They say it is physically impossible to ride all of the Tour without drugs, but we prove them wrong this day.”

“What day is it, anyway?” asked Kvistik, his eyes rolling wildly in his head. “I can no longer tell.”

…Kvistik remains in critical condition at the Hôpital Neuilly-sur-Seine, where he was placed in a medically induced coma to aid his recovery from exhaustion, malnutrition, and loss of bone density. Attending physicians say he is not expected to return to cycling.


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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

7 Replies to “Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France”

  1. yes, “The Onion” is quite often funny. unless, of course, you lack the mental capacity to comprehend and appreciate the humor within. probably not in SC though. I understand your predicament. best of luck with that.

  2. They were perhaps the only people to successfully figure out how to handle the events of 9-11 in a comedic way. Their headline the next day?:


  3. Thanks Bruce! Nothing quite like an insult from another DC reader. Kind of like being called a retard by another retard…

    My MIBS degree from the University of SC thanks you…(look it up)