The Accident

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Friday, August 11, 2006
my stupid ass interviewed by Channel 2 on youtube

On August 5th, 2006 I was hit by a drunk driver at 12:11 pm in board daylight. I was on my road bike, which is now smashed. I was in the bike lane. I was wearing a helmet.

And I am lucky to be alive.

I was interviewed in the hospital a few days after the accident by a Phoenix television station.  Fellow bikers like me who also got into a recent accident can definitely try financing options such as benefit loans.

This is that interview.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Drunk, Cyclist Collide v2

Dear Loyal Readers,

Good news from the Drunkcyclist front, Big Jonny was discharged from Flagstaff Medical Center at approximately 2:00pm and is recovering at home. He is healing quickly from two compression fractures in the L3 and L5 vertebrae and all x-rays and MRI scans up to this point have been negative for fractures or other major injuries. The last few days at the hospital were a fair bit more subdued than the first. Jon was moved to a private room where the nurses seemed to be more masculine in gender and decidedly less gorgeous in our humble opinions. In addition, his medical advisory committee finally figured out an acceptable combination of pain killers which unfortunately allowed Jonny to be coherent enough to try to start following politics and other things related to the real world once again. Not to say that anyone was really “happy” to have the same exact conversation with Jon while he was in a drug induced haze; but, hearing about Landis’ positive second test five times in ten minutes does have some sense of odd humor about it.

Amongst other developments, Jonny was interviewed by both Phoenix’s Channel 3 as well as Flag’s illustrious Channel 2 television stations. I would offer the excuse to him that the television camera adds 10 pounds, but, well….I don’t think that Channel 2 has that many cameras. Either way, he did a great job as the newly appointed spokesperson for bicycle safety and if you get a chance to watch the interviews they are pretty decent. Apropos of Jonny’s new celebrity status as a bicycle safety advocate, he had a special visitor.

We have no idea what this “visitor” was supposed to be (That’s not true, we have many ideas. They range from Bunny, to Wolf, to Large Mouth Bass [Double A-Ron’s guess]. I’m going with Bear upon video review but the discussion is ongoing. At any rate, it was creative and the culprit is still anonymous despite walking through the entire hospital dressed in a costume borrowed straight from the carni-porn set. But you see dear reader, I only told you that story to tell you this one: The “Bear” brought Big Jon recovery gifts…that’s right folks: chocolate Hershey Candies and Hustler Magazines. I don’t know when FMC instituted this new program; but I think that all involved are now big big fans. Nothing helps a guy take his mind off of a hurt buddy suffering in bed like good ol’ fashion porn. Someone has really got to start letting a brotha know when Hustler runs proficiency exams like this month’s “Beautiful Beaver Talent Search”. I suppose that the porn was probably there for John’s perusal, but really, don’t the loved ones suffer too? Don’t we deserve the nudity just as much as the guy who was hit by the sedan? Perhaps not; but, we are the ones who will suffer permanent scars from viewing his hairy ass with only a small towelette hiding the proverbial twig and berries.

So that’s it for now. Jon is starting to loosen up a bit. He was able to roll onto his side in order to watch himself on television. I hear that mama and papa Drunkcyclist will be in town from PA taking care of the little one for a bit so I doubt that the Porn Bear will be making too many more deliveries. For those interested in sending Jon messages, good or bad, Bike Punk has kindly set up a thread under the Updates forum for well wishers located here.
I imagine that the big man will be up and typing with his bloody knuckles soon so write him if you wish or keep tipping back the pints to aid in his recovery.

This may be our last post, it has been fun for us despite the circumstances.

Big Pun and The Gnome

Monday, August 7, 2006
Drunk, Cyclist Collide v1

Dear loyal readers,

Sad news on the DC front.  The man himself, Big Jonny, was struck by an automobile on his way back from the Saturday group ride and is currently in the hospital with multiple lumbar fractures (fortunately, no paralysis) and severe road rash.  Big Jon was legally in the bike lane at approximately 12:15pm and was hit squarely from behind on an uphill section of the road by a sedan traveling approximately 55mph.  The driver left the scene but has now been apprehended and charged with felony hit and run due to the diligence and efforts of multiple other drivers on the road who witnessed the collision.

Jon is currently in good spirits and is expected to make a full recovery. An unforeseen, yet fortuitous, byproduct of this horrific incident has been the opportunity to have numerous conversations with Jon while he is under the influence of numerous pain killers.  For your reading enjoyment, and in the spirit of, we would like to showcase a few of the conversations that Jon has had with the amazing staff of Flagstaff Medical Center and the friends and family who have been visiting over the last two days:

(Medical personnel are preparing to move Jon from the stretcher to the bed in the ER)

FMS Staff:  “Are you ready sir?

Big Jon: “Wait!”

BJ: “Ladies, I must warn you.  I’m naked under here and extremely good looking”

(Nurse enters the room with water and cloth to give Big Jon a sponge bath and clean some of the superficial wounds)

Big Jon’s Wife: “Do you want help with that?”

Big Jon: “Hold on, are you going to do this?  (Looks at wife and frowns) Or are you? (Looks at nurse and grins)

Silence from both wife and nurse

Big Jon: “How about both!”

(The Snake stops by in the AM to see how the Big Man is doing)

Snake: “So is there anything you need?”

Big Jon: “Three Asian girls would be great.”

Snake: “I’ll work on that for you.”

(Nurse comes in to check on kidney function)

Nurse: “Jon, do you have to urinate?”

Big Jon: “I might, but I don’t really want to since I’d have to pull my penis out in front of all of these people.”

(Talking about Jon’s left arm which had swollen up and become extremely rigid do to a reaction with an IV drip.)

Jon’s Wife: “Geez, look at that, your left arm is swollen up like the incredible hulk.”

Big Jon: “Yeah, I look like I have one popeye arm, I wonder what that stuff was?”

Pun: “I wonder if it would work on other parts of the body as well?”

Big Jon: “I bet that you could sell that stuff down at the coffee shop to Germans.  It’d be like a stiffening elixir.  They’d be like ‘Vat is dis?’ and then the coffee shop person would say ‘don’t worry, you’ll like it, just drink it’ and then they’d all be walking around with giant arms and penises.”

(Editor’s note: the preceding conversation may not seem to make any sense.  This is not because it was one of those “you had to be there” moments.  He really made absolutely no sense.)

(Nurse walks in to get Jon latest dose of pain killers)

Jon’s Wife: “See what I mean Pun, all his nurses are beautiful”

Jon: “Yeah, no shit.  I’m glad I was on drugs down in the ER when they were all around me.  Otherwise, Lil’ Jonny would have come out and I would have been swingin’ him around like a damn baseball bat.”

Anyhooters, that’s all for now kids. We will post again if there is anything new.  Jon should be back in the saddle again soon and hopefully he can post the next update.

Although I’m sure that he would enjoy hearing from everyone, he is bound to fall behind on e-mail replies.  Let’s all just tip a pint or five back at the local bar and hope for a complete and speedy recovery.

Yours Truly,
-Big Pun & The Gnome

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA