Today Was Too Awesome

14 scheduled repairs at 10am. Walk in, try to take it in stride. First custy I help shows the dim bulb response. After minutes of contemplation over combos or keyed locks, he brings up the key version and asks, can you open this so I can test it out?”

I knew the day was on the downhill from there.

11am, 15 repairs. One snuck in from behind. Lucky me, shop hack, and the only one on for the day. I snapped the lock out of its package with a blank stare and slid it over the counter. I walked into the back of the shop where I just stood for a moment in an attempt to regain my Zen. Things aren’t hard here. U-locks, cables, keys or combos. You need to make a choice. Need education? OK, here it is:

Combos have numbers. Keys have keys. Which one are you most likely to remember?

U-locks are stronger. Heavier. Limited on what they can lock to.

Cables. lighter. Easier to cut, but lock to almost anything reasonable.

What bling factor does your bike have? How much do you love it?

It’s not a hard choice. All seems obvious. Maybe I’m too close to the fire though. I Walked back out, and sure enough, the “test” worked. The lock opened when he turned the key. Sold.

Next up: A dumb ass walked in with a taco’d Bontrager wheel, a 28 hole unit at that. He said “sorry for not having a shirt on”. Precious asked if he needed a bandaid he was so obviously proud of the chiseled work he put in on his pecks. Nice work Douchebag. Hey, would it be cool if I jerked off right here while I check you out because you’re fucking hot pal? Oh, and sorry, no 28 hole rims in stock. I’m sorry your disappointed. Believe me, I am too.

4 hours later, he returned without a shirt still, and asked more stupid questions. All I can think is “You have got to be kidding me”. I say that to myself over and over again, and it doesn’t help. It just festers. The next time some Too-Awesome-D.B. rolls in and shows off his manhood, or begins to tell me how good they are at hucking, or how they mash gears like nobody can, I’m snapping pics so I can post visuals of the shit I have to shovel. It is fucking ridiculous. WTF is wrong with people?

Comments

23 Responses to “Today Was Too Awesome”

Josh on August 28th, 2008 5:44 pm

Gnome I too had the same douchbag come in to the bigger(not better) shop around the corner and ask the same stupid questions. No shirt no shoes… no dice bro learn to impress us with your knowledge of bike shit not your waxy chest. Goosefraba……..
uglyyeti on August 28th, 2008 6:45 pm

Dante and Randall?
el serracho on August 28th, 2008 7:08 pm

well at least you brought your A game to this post. funny shit jonny, thanks.
marty on August 28th, 2008 7:15 pm

festers.

festers…. i don’t even have a real job and i somehow know what you mean….

festers….

grrr

grrr

wine and beer fighting in my head…

grrgr..r…
gold member on August 28th, 2008 8:08 pm

“Custy, DIm bulb, Glass eyed Jellyfish, Too-Awesome-DB!!” Jonny may be gone but DC’s edge is back.
Grodee on August 28th, 2008 8:19 pm

My ass hurts.
Shiney Nipples on August 28th, 2008 8:27 pm

Did I leave my razor at your shop? Thanks.
Sincerely,
Shines
bikesgonewild on August 28th, 2008 8:36 pm

…i AM laughing, gnome, but i’m laughing WITH you, not AT you…

…btw…i think you came through w/ flying colors & believe me, i’m very aware that that is not always easy…

…& i HAVE paid the price…
Cody on August 28th, 2008 9:38 pm

Today was too awesome is a great title for the speech we just heard from Barack. Wow.
TC on August 28th, 2008 11:12 pm

I uhm, well I think I made the wrong decision on the key lock, mind if I exchange it for a U lock? Will you be in tomorrow morning?

I always though it would be fun to work in a bike shop, but your story puts it all in perspective.
boomerbaird on August 29th, 2008 12:30 am

oh my man gnomey, you work in a bike shop bro, all those customers are dimmer than dim…. I said fuck you to the owner when he didnt want to pay me more than 30k to manage and repair for 3 shops. I didnt do shit today, built a x/c wheel out of the new king hub they sent me that the flange just snapped off of in storage… Oh well another day another lift line, I only have 20 more days here in whistler, been here since july 4th. get out of that shit bro, you are too smart, too talented and above all too NICE!
That Fucking Guy on August 29th, 2008 12:38 am

Story of my GD life… just liiiiiving the dream as they say. You should have cut that dudes nipples off with some side cutters, I cant stand that knob job.
Pistol Pete on August 29th, 2008 7:09 am

Gnomie needs a vacation…working in bike shops almost made me hate bikes and it made me one of those asshole bike shop “Pros” who disrespect everyone who walks through the door.There is a cure-a fulfilling job w/a real paycheck…
peg leg on August 29th, 2008 7:15 am

Thanks for the Band Aid.
butthead on August 29th, 2008 7:30 am

I was the roadie who expects free service and a pro deal because I am at the level
Johnny Smoke on August 29th, 2008 8:25 am

OK, here’s what you need to do. Get yourself a game console like an Xbox, PS3, or even load up your trusty home computer with something good and violent.

Something you can shoot people with is what I mean. Because if you start shooting the customers it’s bad for business. Shooting virtual people is what kept me sane when I was wrenching.

Just remember, always pull the trigger twice.
Christian on August 29th, 2008 10:30 am

I vote for a Gnome helmet webcam. You will just have to be careful while you beat your head against the wall.
L on August 29th, 2008 11:52 am

Why is it so satisfying to read tales of woe from other wrenches?

I think my favorite is the person who eats up an hour of your wrenching time quizzing you about something inconsequential like a bike lock, but then bitches about how much the shop charges for the lock. Especially when the customer is some fucking lawyer that probably gets paid hundreds of dollars an hour when he’s on the clock.
Chewy on August 29th, 2008 3:08 pm

I don’t know which is my favorite…the dimbulb dingdongs who ask questions like “How come no kickstand?”, or the douche who plops down in front of the shoe wall and wants to play Stump the Bike Guy with questions about the difference between lorica and real leather and which will stretch after getting wet and should they buy a half-size smaller and FUCK YOU, go to Performance!
Loren on August 29th, 2008 3:29 pm

Yeah, people tell me at work all the time I need to open a bike shop, and then I tell them, “What, so I can help out idiots like you?”.
Mikey on August 29th, 2008 3:38 pm

I want a CARBON kickstand. Is that so hard to understand?

(Note: attempted humor.)

Mikey
butthead on August 29th, 2008 3:43 pm

I’ll take a Trek and the Astana Jersey? Wait that Lemond is on Sale…

“Taco’d Bontrager wheel”… not another one…jesus
MJ on August 30th, 2008 4:53 pm

Wrenched bikes for 15 years, gave up 3 years ago cause I lost the love.
A good line to remember for the “tough” custy is “My boss allows to tell one person a year to fuck off, and I am not going to waste it on an asshole like you!” or you can take Johny Smokes advice, he’s a better man than I. That buffed up fucker should have a good old Mavic 36 spoke 4 cross, 28 spoke wheels are for road bikes.