Drunkcyclist.com

This just in from cyclocross nationals in Kansas City: “Beer sales, they say, have lagged as the temperature has dropped.”
And we’re stuck there for another year? Time for Flagstaff to put in a bid. They’ll still be pounding ‘em down there after the sun’s burned out. “Fuckin’ dark, huh, Jonny? Fuckin’ cold, too. Better gimme [...]

Beauty and the beast
My newish Subaru
has a drinking problem.
It swills coolant
And then, feverishly,
pukes it back up.
The ’83 Toyota pickup
shakes its greasy cylinder head
in disgust
at this stationary wagon
with its heated seats and power everything
and like Old Man River
just keeps rolling along.

I can’t wait to see Bike Snob NYC tackle this one — a crew of teens in Queens riding two-wheeled sound systems.
Nick Ragbir’s DJ booth-slash-bicycle includes an amplifier, two 15-inch bass woofers and four midrange speakers; it plays music from his iPod and is powered by car batteries.
“It’s really big where I come from in [...]

Read it and weep, bitches — Bibleburg is the third drunkest city in the Benighted Snakes of Amerika, according to Men’s Health magazine. Only Denver and Anchorage, Alaska, pound it down harder and faster than Bibleburgers, who apparently will drink anything from stolen communion wine to Aqua Velva. And Flagstaff? Doesn’t even crack the top [...]

. . . here comes Masters Cycling magazine, your guide to the world of sand-bagging, treachery and egomania. Every issue will have a mirror on the cover and contain a number of cutting-edge features vital to the gray panthers of the peloton, including:
The Mercedes-Benz GL550: Six Bikes That Look Fast On the Roof!
‘Watch Your Line, [...]

. . . comes this item from The Associated Press:
Man Killed by Gator While Fleeing Police
MICCOSUKEE TRIBE INDIAN RESERVATION, Fla. (AP) — A man who jumped into a lake to flee police was killed by an alligator more than 9 feet long, officials said Tuesday.
The man, whose name has not been released, was allegedly [...]

This just in, from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram via The San Francisco Chronicle:
Police Cite Man for Watching Porn in Car
Police issued a citation for a man accused of watching pornography on his car DVD player. Cameron J. Walker, 24, of Irving, was issued misdemeanor citations for obscene display or distribution, not having a driver’s license [...]

On a board, gasping
As his tormenter pours, smiles
Dreaming of surfing

. . . to Jerry Thomas, “the Jupiter Olympus of the bar,” according to “The Bartender Who Started It All”, a story in today’s New York Times.
The tale’s jumping-off point is “Imbibe!” (Perigee Books, $23.95), a biography-slash-recipe book by David Wondrich, the drink correspondent for Esquire. Wondrich follows Thomas’s perigrinations from Sackets Harbor, N.Y., to [...]

A lap full of cat
All too soon, it is empty
The earth is hungry

From today’s Los Angeles Times coverage of the Southern California wildfires:
Rod Percival, 46, coasted his mountain bike down Las Flores Canyon Road, his dog Ayla skittering behind him. Like many residents, Percival and his wife had refused to leave Malibu. Late Tuesday morning, he used his trusty bike to take stock, as best as he [...]

You just can’t make this stuff up. From The Associated Press, under the headline, “Rice worried by Putin’s broad powers,” we learn the following:
MOSCOW (AP) — The Russian government under Vladimir Putin has amassed so much central authority that the power-grab may undermine Moscow’s commitment to democracy, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Saturday.
“In any [...]

Track goddess Marion Jones — surprise surprise — has copped to using performance-enhancing drugs, according to a story in The Washington Post. She won five medals in the 2000 Olympics, three of them gold, and according to the AP “was one of track’s first female millionaires, typically earning between $70,000 and $80,000 a race, [...]

Snarlin’ Arlen Specter (R-Twilight Zone) doesn’t know who Jenna Jameson is. Well, actually, he didn’t know who she was, but now he does, because she got a tour of the Capitol on Thursday — reportedly from one of Spector’s minions.
According to “The Sleuth,” a.k.a. Mary Ann Akers of The Washington Post, the adult film industry [...]

Business name of the week: Morning Wood, seen stenciled on the back of a beater Dodge 2WD pickup riding ominously low on its springs today in Bibleburg, Colorado. The outfit apparently delivers wood, perhaps to our many Repuglicant family-values sky pilots, maybe even the sort used in fireplaces and woodstoves. Who could know? Don’t ask, [...]

You’ll be pleased to learn that cycling isn’t the only sport plagued by lying, cheating sacks of runny owlshit. From The New York Times comes word that McLaren Mercedes, the leading team in the Formula One championship, has been fined $100 million and excluded from the constructors’ title as part of an ongoing spying scandal:
The [...]

Big Jonny has neither been caught up in the Rapture nor sent onward by Christian Soldiers (although rumor has it that he has agreed to pose for a series of new angel statues to be installed at Nude Life Church). It’s just that The One Dark Lord decided to spend his tour of duty in [...]

I must take exception to Big Jonny’s description of my hometown in the vile post below. “Graveyard with lights,” indeed. The actual phrase, as employed in the late Seventies by Rusty Mitchell, former food editor for the Gazette Telegraph, is “cemetery with lights,” although she occasionally used the slightly less pejorative “suburb without a city.”
But [...]

Former New Life Church pastor Ted Haggard, who resigned in disgrace after a dubious relationship with a meth-dealing gay hooker, is at it again. This time, he’s begging for money to keep him and the family in bacon and beans while he “ministers” to the downtrodden and attends college in Phoenix.
According to the Gazette, Haggard [...]

Comes the news from The Old Gray Lady that some of NASA’s space cowboys have gone from the right stuff to the good stuff, which is to say that they’ve been getting good and hammered before slipping the surly bonds of Earth. Are you shittin’ me? You want me to sit on top of a [...]