Boonen won the E3 Prijs Vlaanderen today.  He was the even money bet at 1 1/2 to 1. 

And he'll be the heavy favorite next weekend in Flanders as well.  The only action is who'll fill up the other podium spots.  The top rungs already been sewn up.

Link dump:

[home run ball] cjrdaily.org
[determination, insight, ingenuity] latimes.com
[good times] chick.com
[so fucked] chick.com
[a man and his bike.  sorta.] latimes.com

Today's email:

From: Tomas Subject: caught myself lusting at my Dawg Since the time change this spring its been pretty windy around here, so I've been mountainbiking more than paddling or road cycling. Of course the trails are still pretty wet. Been out six times the last two weeks. Often times people meet at our house and we ride from here. Other times we car pool to a trailhead depending on the ride. I rode alone yesterday, driving to a trailhead and riding from there. Returned to my truck late, just me and the few remaining rays of daylight, muddy and utterly exhilarated. Just a great ride. Wonderful. My truck was on empty so I drove down the two lane road to a lone gas station. As my F-150 thirstily gulped up the Texas Tea, I stared at my bike, strapped upright in the truck bed, front tire tight to the cab. Covered in the glorious mud of Galbraith Mountain from our evening's ride. The same mud that covered my mountainbike shoes, splatterred up my Patagucci silk weight long johns, my Kokatat board shorts and my favorite bike jersey. Yeah, I guess we shared the same mud. I suddenly realized that I was staring at my Kona Dawg Primo the same way I stare at my Fiancee after a good long roll in the hay. The Dawg had mud all over it, like a woman's "just had sex" telltale hair do. Woman look great with that hair do. Actually, I prefer that hair do. The bike was quiet and still now. Resting. Tame. Content. Just minutes ago it was wild with motion, suspension flexxing, cranks churning, tires taking the force of the energy yet holding course thru the twists and turns and the mud. Focus, power, speed, intensity. Harmony. Just the two of us flying thru an amazing setting. I caught myself lusting at the gorgeous lines of the sloping top tube, the mud filled four bar linkage suspension system, the muscular Tomac Signature Series tires, and the notion that even though I knew that I was standing beside my truck staring at my bike, part of my consciousness was still in the previous moment, rippin thru the trails on that same bike. Now she rested. She didn't see me watching. Her five inch rotors, her Fox Float RLC. Then I caught myself staring. I chuckled outloud. Later that night, after a nice long roll in the hay with my Fiancee, I caught myself staring at her the same way I stare at my Dawg Primo after a good long ride on the muddy mountain. No shit.

Happy Friday.

Tomorrow starts the weekend.  And April is coming at us fast.  Spring.  Warm weather.  The Classics.  Riding.  All the good stuff.

I can't wait.  This winter shit is so last year.  It snowed again her yesterday.  Sure, it's not nearly enough to make up for the drought we're currently in and the entire forest will undoubtedly burn down this summer.  But I still hate me some snow.

And so it goes.

Registration for the 2007 Singlespeed World Championships is this Saturday at midnight.  I have no idea what time it'll be in Arizona, or anywhere else in the US when all hell breaks loose.  Entry is limited. Check it out at: sswc2007.com.

And, yes, DC is a sponsor of this fine event.

Link dump:

[blogness] highclearing.com
[old pueblo] basecampcomm.com
[is this for real?] metacafe.com
[it starts with one] prospect.org
[prepare to fall down] metacafe.com
[check it out] konaworld.com
[near hotlanta?} farm1.static.flickr.com
[I gotta hire this guy] cyclingnews.com
[gios. fucking cool.] gios.it

Today's email:

From: Gypsy Subject: Surprise! Rove breaks the rules again... boingboing.net/2007/03/28/white_house_subpoena.html All we need is the guy that hacked into Paris Hilton's phone to do the same with Mr. Rove... I wonder if he has any naked pictures of himself on there... On second thought, keep that guy the hell away from Rove's blackberry...

You just know a brother like Rove is into some real fucked up shit. Just look at that fat bastard. He has sex with children.

I wrote Z-Boy and congratulated him for finishing second at Redlands, a scant 10 seconds back.  

And, of course, since he finished second by ten seconds, I had to wait a few days to email him.  You can't do that too soon, you know.

From: Z-Boy Subject: Re: Ten seconds? Ya. Ten seconds. And I was attacking the hell out of Baj in the last 20km of the race. Good racing. It was fun sticking it to Moninger. Even if he could be my grandpa I still enjoy beating him. Jonny. Tour of Georgia. I'm going to be kicking some Euro ass out there. I will be enjoying it. Greg Randolph is my hero.

He's even posted a race report on his blog. Tonight even. Can you belive it? It's like the guy enjoys typing shit all of the sudden.

From: Tony Bagadonuts Subject: Tell Chopper to open the damned bottle of Chimay BJ, Nice interview with Greg Randolph. Props to him for living the good life (since he was 10). We should all be so fortunate. My only problem is with the pic you posted. It is extremely difficult to enjoy wonderful ale brewed by Trappist monks if you fail to remove the cork. C’mon Chopper, you know better. Really, I’m just jealous that I don’t have a Chimay (opened of course) in my hand….or a sweet job with Smith….or mad bike skills…Etc.

You know Tony, the undiscerning eye might have missed that small detail. But not you my friend. Not you.

From: Big Tex Subject: Great Randolph Interview juan grande, I loved the Randolph interview. I didn't know him well and for sure not enough to call him Chopper. I got to start on the same line as him a few times. He's a 100%er for sure. At Gila one year, I got in a break with him and Jackass Justin during the 40 lap crit. We got good rhythm going and Randolph kept asking us for more and to put it all in the bag. Fearing for the bitch of a day called the Gila Monster Stage the next day, I went back to the pack. Jackass Justin stayed with him till Randolph dumped him and leapt across to the pack lapping the field. Randolph won. Jackass Justin hung on for 2nd. Next day, 100 degrees of New Mexico heat (race used to be in June), Randolph and BoB Roll turned left at the Cliff Dwellings turn with Roll saying "The race is going right so that only leaves me with a left." I think Jackass Justin finished that day at some point. I can see him now riding that golden "Y" bike, mouth open begging to be squirted by the fire hoses as he climbs that oven of a climb called the Sapillo. If you look real close you can probably see the Gnome sucking his wheel.

Anytime Jackass suffers, I win.

From: Erik Subject: Racing in Guam So here is a late race report coming in from Reno eNVy after racing in middle of the Pacific Guam Feb. 10. The race was only three laps at 1.5 miles a lap ( being from this region I'm used to, and expecting 8-12 mile laps) but plenty of short steep climbs and quick short descents (what do you expect for a place that has a high point of 250'.) The race started out fast as races usually do with several guys shooting their wad in the first mile . I work it and manage to fall into a comfortable pace I could sustain for two plus hours then I round the corner to see the start/finish line a quarter mile ahead, shitty. Start hammering for the last two laps/twenty minutes of the race and manage to pick off one or two more to finish up in 10th overall 4th in age group and only singlespeed. later em

So, what'd you do today? 

Me?  I bagged an interview with Greg Randolph.

Not bad eh?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Link dump:

[wtf] dea.gov
[you're a drunk when] moderndrunkardmagazine.com
[bush is clueless] electioncentral.tpmcafe.com
[redlands was hot] velonews.com
[rove is fucked] talkingpointsmemo.com
[deep corruption of the justice system] andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com

Today's email:

From: Lovedawg Subject: Agency for Cycling Ethics Cycling Kit Offer Jonny, if you could please give these guys (ACE) a blurb or some kinda love it would really be appreciated by all. ACE is the best thing we have going in the US to ensure clean racing: agencyforcyclingethics.com and they are partners with RIDECLEAN for this purpose. Please read below: agencyforcyclingethics.org/ACEKit/ACEKitAD.html Your friend, Lovedawg

And to think I've been misspelling his name all these years...

From: beeter Subject: nobody wants Wal-Mart big, It's beautiful. Wal-Mart was proposing to develop the land of the former Dixmont State Hospital near Pittsburgh into the ever-so-needed next Superstore. But discovering the land contained the graveyard of the hospital and recent major rockslides on the property, "Wal-Mart's person was looking at alternative sites" according to last week's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. People are crediting the ghosts for driving off the corporation of evil! kdka.com/topstories/local_story_292190401.html Background on the Wal-Mart purchase, and a photo gallery: opacity.us/site60_dixmont_state_hospital.htm#gallery98 Ahh, memories of the days at Byberry.... What better a place to party as an underage punk? opacity.us/locations/#site10

It's a good afterlife when even the dead hate Wal-Mart.

From: Charlie Subject: Classics My horse for the classics, pretty confident he is sauced to the gills, but what they hell. I'm starting to think of pro cyclists as the "open" class at tractor pulls. Tom Boonen's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Tom Boonen. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Tom Boonen can piss his name into concrete. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Tom Boonen can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. Tom Boonen's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Tom Boonen once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. When Tom Boonen walks into a dark room, he turns the darkness off, not the lights on. Tom Boonen counted to infinity - twice. Tom Boonen can do a wheelie on a unicycle. Proudly lifted from some Chuck Norris site-Damn imagine getting karate kicked by Boonen...

Ever notice you never see Tom Boonen and Chuck Norris at the same time? Like maybe they're really the same guy?

From: eDLoNNiE Subject: Paris Roubaix Jonny, A big "hell yes" on your props to the classics. Last year, I was so engrossed in Paris Roubaix (and drinking beer), I didn't see my wife drive up in the driveway. I heard my brand new Scion Xb start up & thought someone was stealing it! I jumped up off the couch & tried to run to the side door: the only problem was, I wasn't wearing shoes & my socks slipped on the kitchen floor, causing me to violently headbutt the fridge. End result: a giant gash on my forehead as I went out to the driveway to see my wife moving my truck to put her car in the garage. GOD BLESS THE CLASSICS! eDLoNNiE Lincoln, Nebraska

That is a good classics story. I'll try to top it this year by throwing myself through a window.

From: Joshua Subject: It's on again - The 12 Hours of Power!!!!! Jonny, Last year we partied so hard at the NZO 24 hour in Sydney that it hurt. Actually, it really hurt on Sunday morning, but only because at 6pm the day before we all called it quits and hit the beer supplied by our sponsor, CBD cycles in Kent Street, Sydney. Actually, some of us hit the piss before the gun went off! So, by 6am Sunday (when we started again) we were all seeing strange things (apart from double). Triathlon and “Suited and Zooted” onespeeding, wrestling suits and the tallest, blondest, hottest underwear lap you’ve ever seen. Joe wasn’t sure about the free beer! Our sartorial elegance. State XC champ, runner up downhill, onespeeder, firefighter – all this and single! So, this weekend, it’s on again. A hot lineup – seven teams of four, 120 litres (that’s 30 gallons) of beer, a barbeque and a bike race. The theme is “1980, Tight and Bright” which puts the youngsters at no disadvantage (since they seem to think it’s cool to look like an idiot in fluoro!). But for those of us that were there the first time, it’s a laugh. Beer is provided by CBD, Balmoral Boards and Serfas. Coffee by Belaroma. Organised by Bike_13 with support from Stu at BrightOrangeEvents. By Tuesday I should be lucid. I’ll let you know how it went.

Another day in paradise.  Or something like that.

We're just around the corner from the most important month of the entire year for unapologetic Classic Junkies like me.  I absolutely love this shit.  These are the races that mean the most to me.  Big men who can turn a huge gear and ain't afraid of pain. 

In short, my kind of people.

We've got the following waiting at the gates:

April 8th Ronde van Vlaanderen
April 11th Gent - Wevelgem
April 15th Paris - Roubaix
April 21st Liège - Bastogne - Liège
April 22nd Amstel Gold Race
April 25th La Flèche Wallonne

There are a few other good races I didn't mention in there as well.   Like that little thing they do down in Georgia.  It's all good. 

But the Classics are what I'm looking forward to.  And once their past, I really only have the Giro and a few last season races to get excited about.

Lance Armstrong pretty much ruined the Tour for me these past hundred years.  The heavy favorite shows up with the best team money can buy, lets some 19 year of French/Italian/whatever punk warm up the jersey for a few days and then destroys all comers on the first mountain stage and all the time trails.

Bor-ing.  It was about as exciting as watching paint dry.

Link dump:

[tunes] myspace.com/davedresden
[tunes] myspace.com/preteshrecords
[ball + cheese = fun] flicklives.blogspot.com
[goodbye sky islands] nytimes.com
[the toto of liberty] nyvelocity.com

Today's email:

From: Marty Subject: Great Race Weekend for the Boys... Congrats to Brian "Hamfist" Forbes and Doug Loveday on their victories for RideClean (yeah baby!) in the Tumacacori road race today in the Pro 1,2 and the Mens 35+ divisions... After Hammy's solo move gained 5 min. (!!) and was brought back, there was a counter-attack. Who would have thought Hammy would counter his own move? ...(tactics are SO confusing!)... I had a great view of the policework being done by Sherpa and SnakeMan. They were covering, blocking, policing and bitch slapping anyone foolish enough to put their nose in the wind. Paid off too --- Jake picked up the 2nd place --- not bad for a day's work, eh? And my man LoveDAWG...making it look easy...as far as I could tell as I watched his figure recede into the distance in front of me before I packed it in. Hats off to JD the Dental King for the early break and to Rick and TODD THE SUPERMODEL for his Monster Pulls to set up Doug. Nice. Nice. and once again... Nice.

Those boys are special. Like the special olympics.

From: froboy Subject: another slow day at the shop

Damn. That's just mean.

Happy Monday. Or something along those lines anyway.

Today I am tired. Not like "rode by bike all weekend" tired.  Because it's been so long, I don't even remember what that's like anymore.

This is more like "big weekend of fun" tired.  Friday was the rehearsal and dinner combo; Saturday was wedding time, hang with the boys, pictures, etc; Sunday was a drive down to Phoenix and back for my niece's birthday party.

Today I feel as though I belong in a graveyard.

Link dump:

[oh shitty] fair.org
[mr. 60%] cyclingnews.com
[great bike seat] buzzhumor.com/Girl_Enjoys_Her_Bike_Ride
[nahbs pics] web.mac.com/NAHBS/Photographs.html
[it just keeps getting better] talkingpointsmemo.com

Today's email:

From: Lovedog Subject: Thanks to all RIDECLEAN Team sponsors! Thanks everyone for all your support! The team is off to a great start: EVENT PLACE CATEGORY Swiss Crit: 3rd Pro 1-2, 1st 35+ Usery Pass TT: 3rd, 4th Pro 1-2 Usery Pass RR: 1st, 7th, 9th Pro 1-2, 2nd Cat 3 Mc Dowell: 3rd, 4th, 9th Pro 1-2, 1st Cat 2, 1st 30+, 2nd, 3rd 40+ Sonoita - Patagonia Time Trial: 1st 45+ Sun Devil Crit: 5th Pro 1-2, 1st 30+ Valley of The Sun SR: 1st Cat 3 Copper Valley SR: 2nd, 5th, Pro 1-2, 3rd 45+ Scottsdale GP: 8th Pro 1-2, 2nd Cat 2, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 30+ Hungry Dog Crit: 1st, 3rd, 4th Pro 1-2, 1st, 2nd 30+ Without your generous help it couldn't happen! With gratitude, Team RIDECLEAN Photo below: 2007 Scottsdale Grand Prix Results 30+ 1st Rob Alvarez-Sherpa 2nd Brian Forbes-Hamfist 352 3rd Jake Rubelt-Snake Photo: Clayton Peck

Good looking out, Gentleman. I'm proud to be a sponsor.

You know what I hate? When you inevitably reinstall all the software on your machine 'cause shit tanks and that's how the world works these days, run two discs worth of Microsoft office shit and think you're done. The some stupid excel spreadsheet tanks without autosaving anything and you spend the next twenty minutes trying to figure out what in the hell you just added that isn't there anymore.

Big fun.

So, you have to dig out the fucking disc again to install the "autosave" plug in, 'cause installing two discs worth of bloated Microsoft bullshit doesn't include something useful like autosave

Useful? How 'bout fucking mandatory. You think I want to be tapping keystrokes like a mindless drone and have it all fucking disappear on me? You'd think "autosave" would be pretty automatic. Like auto-install of an auto-option.

What the fuzuckle arbuckle?

Link dump:

[freire wins milan-san remo] velonews.com
[no way…] theksbwchannel.com
[the apple irack] youtube.com
[read] studentsforafreetibet.org
[bye bye gonzo moment?] talkingpointsmemo.com

That's it, I'm out.

Happy Friday. 

Tonight I'm off to Fitty's rehearsal dinner.  The wedding tomorrow.   It's scheduled to be outside and it's been raining on and off for two days now.  Send positive vibes this way.  A little sunshine would be good about now.

Weddings are fun.  And when it's good friends, it's good times. And, yes, I'll be all tuxedoed out for that one.  And I make that shit look good.

Link dump:

[check it] capwiz.com
[more handmade bike pics] dirtragmag.com
[wtf] azcentral.com
[wft # 2] theregister.co.uk
[candy mountain] youtube.com
[coolness] johnledyard.com

From: Christian Subject: Gestapo Police Jonny, This is totally fucked up. The cops here in Colorado Springs have arrested 35 people at the St. Patrick's Day parade. According to people at the parade, there was no violence and the cops used force to stop them. Check out teamfubar.spaces.live.com  I have a link to a news story about it there as well.

No beuno.

From: Todd Subject: Re: grab n git photos Jonny, Did you check out Kate’s photos? orangek8.com/journal/2007/march/grab/13.html That one there is of this guy. tristanschouten.blogspot.com He went to the World’s CX race in Belgium. Didn’t do well, but he was there representing us.

Somehow I knew that wasn't a leisurely stroll type of weekend. That was racing pure and simple.  And you sure he ain't the cat in all the Trek gear?  tristanschouten.blogspot.com

From: nate Subject: listen to this: Tom Delay Ahoy. If you missed this, have a listen. If you heard it, listen again. npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=8991717 Talk about your bassackwards, crooked, self/party-centered politicians. There are these sorts all over, democratic and republican alike. This guy is just so self-diluted that he has no problem saying these things out loud. These people don't understand who/what they are supposed to represent and why we even have elections in this country. Also, see the Bolton interview on the Daily Show. There's another politico with a skewed interpretation of our democracy. To make my position clear: elected officials are not there to represent the interests of those who voted for them. The democratic system of electing officials is designed so that there isn't a specific group that places officials in offices to represent their views. Once in office, elected officials are supposed to represent the values of the constitution and do what is in the best interest of the entire country, not the small majority that supposedly elected them based on a very few number of key issues. This pisses me off, especially because these elected officials are supposed to have a better understanding of our democracy than we do; that's why we elect them, right? They certainly know how to use the system to push a small personal agenda right on through. These people are typically capitalists with immense wealth. They do not really care about what our system of government is supposed to stand for or how it's supposed to function. end of rant.

The one nice thing I can say about Tom Delay is he can sure stay on message. That guy never goes off course, he just sticks to the talking points and keeps hammering away the same bullshit lines. He probably figures if he keeps saying it enough, it'll be true.

Has an old familiar ring to it, doesn't it?

“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.” Joseph Goebbels

Filler like it was still yesterday. Man oh man.  I've been mad busy trying to get together the latest issue of the Bi-Opic for Flagstaff Biking.  

It's a labor of love, really.

And it's still all about the filler.  Oh, registration is wide open for the Whiskey.  Get at it or you might miss out.

This next picture is simple inexcusable.  Such bad taste.  Really.  You'd think I'd be above this like this.

Well, I'm not.  Just look at it and say: "Yarrr Tuggy!"  Say it with me. Yarrr. Tuggy.

I am so sick of that lying bastard.  I cheered for the guy, I believed in him. But when it got to "Believe Tyler" I was out.  Done.  Kaput.  That was the line I could not cross.

Take for example, "...the cases of Santiago Pérez and Tyler Hamilton, who both tested positive to homologous blood transfusion - same blood type, different donor. Allegedly, they were both clients of Fuentes and their blood was stored in his refrigerator."

Yeah.  It's like that. Read on;"... the only plausible explanation; that the blood bags had been confused and that the both cyclists were lucky that their blood groups were compatible.  To date, former teammates Hamilton and Pérez are the only two cyclists to have tested positive for homologous blood transfusions."
Source: cyclingnews.com

The only thing wrong with that pic is it makes pirates look bad.  And that's what I believe, kid.

And I am so going to hell. Immediately upon death.  I don't even think I'll be getting any face time with Saint Peter.  It's straight southbound for a brother like me.

As it should be.  As it should be.

Link dump:

[the game is afoot!] tpmmuckraker.com
[snow job] cbsnews.com
[wal mart follies] kvoa.com
[guess what's in my pants] glumbert.com
[blogness] whoisioz.blogspot.com
[hummer down] 9news.com
[damn] nytimes.com
[yeah right] hardware.slashdot.org

From: Chris Subject: Filler? did you mean this kind of filler? youtube.com

Yeah, that'll work.

From: Tom Subject: Single Speed Rally Yo Big Jonny, The single speed rally that you posted about a week or so ago went down this weekend in Cary, NC. Good stuff right there. Check out the small video from the event, which does not do it justice at all. Hopefully, more to come later. I hope that it's freakin' huge next year. youtube.com

Good looking out. Looks like fun from where I'm sitting.

And check this one out too.

From: Kate Subject: grab 'n' git Hey Jonny! The 4th Annual Gravel Rouser Grab N Git was this weekend, and I told ya I'd send you pictures of the completed number plate! Here is the plate, and also a link to pictures from the weekend! It was a great time, as always. Pictures: orangek8.com/journal/2007/march/16.html

Looks like another good one.

Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler

(The use of the work "filler" over and over again is on purpose.  I have nothing at all to say right now that's worth a damn.  And that in and of itself is saying something...)

Link dump:

[blogness] recoveryjoel.wordpress.com/hard-realizations
[bush the shitbag] talkingpointsmemo.com
[yo, it's on] tpmmuckraker.com
[booyah] salon.com
[snow job] tpmmuckraker.com
[blogness] tomi-mcmillar.blogspot.com
[show trials] whoisioz.blogspot.com
[eco-warriors unite] proteinwisdom.comindex.php
[fucked up] theagitator.com
[retarded] thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com

Time flies when you're having fun. Or, in my case, no fun at all.

Ok, I'm lying through my teeth. Life is good.

Could it be better? Sure. Who among us can say it can't? Could it be worse? Yes. It could be far worse.

One day at a time, baby. One day at a time.

Link dump:

[toto time] nyvelocity.com
[blogness] lolololatyou.blogspot.com
[blogness] pop77.com/blog
[I might be gay... continued] myspace.com/villeneuvemusic
[its settled; I'm gay] profile.myspace.com/index.cfm
[blogness] pudgycyclist.blogspot.com
[clusterfuck nation] jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com

Today's emails:

From: Sideburnz Subject: 4 hummer pile up I was riding to work today when I happened upon no less than 4 hummers that had managed to crash into each other (35 W and 4th st, Minneapolis). Needless to say I had to ride home and get my camera. I laughed all the way to the bike shop.

I won't be shedding any tears over that one. And good work on the photo. Shit like that deserves to be immortalized.

Dumbass fucking Hummers... fuh2.com

From: Ethan Subject: Dream Ride for Humanitarian Orgs Hey Big Jonny, I've been reading Drunk Cyclist for a few years now. Great stuff man. A buddy of mine is organizing this long distance ride called the "Dream Ride" to raise money for humanitarian organizations working on a variety of issues (global poverty, HIV&malaria in Rwanda, disaster relief, secondary school education in Kenya etc..) I am sending you a link in the chance you might want to link to it on your site. Although there are already tons of rides to raise money for different causes, this ride is pretty sweet because its relatively small group of people and will be a serious adventure. There are actually two different ride routes. Transcontinental from Seattle to Boston and a shorted ride from Boston-Montreal-New York. At this point we are looking for interested riders who care about these issues and want a challenge over the summer. Check it out at dream-ride.org

Consider that shit linked, kid.

Check out this next one.

From: Mike Subject: Booby Traps in Marin by public agency Hey Jonny, first time writing you. Wanted to let you know about some bullshit shenanigans by a public agency in Marin just north of SF who thought booby trapping trails closed to bikes was worth a try. What's a few decapitated or impaled mtn bikers when you have such a noble mission as keeping some people from enjoying open space, right? Hope your recovery is going good enough. I was hit by a drunk driver while on my motorcycle a couple years ago. She sent my ass flying 50-60 feet, then tried to drive away pushing my motorcycle in front of her until a witness caught up with her and stopped her with his car. If I was more religious, I'd say it was a miracle I came out as good as I did. Her punishment though? Misdemeanor drunk driving. As light a punishment as she could get even though I could have easily died or been paralyzed. No wonder people feel free to turn off their brain and drive like shit, or have a few too many before driving....the system won't recognize that cars can be weapons in the hands of shitheads. What if I walked down the street shooting a gun in the air? If I haven't hit anyone, what's the harm, right? Well, that's the "logic" people seem to embrace with driving. team.motionbased.com/marin-county-booby-traps marinij.com Bounce back strong. Great website.

What do they want to do, kill someone?

From: SnakeHawk Subject: Saint Fartrick's Day We had a nice time tonight writing limericks, having a stew by the pot, doing a reaky shot of irish whiskey, and watching a game of sports; not unlike any other American bunch of assclowns celebrating the days prior to what made us unique today. Pre melting-pot woes. The whitest of us in this land get together on this day and make excuses for drunkenness in it's most inherited form: the notion that once before us on this land stood noble ancestors, salt from the journey still between their toes, celebrating the thread of common cheer: the land from whence they came. And some punter with a magical fucking flute who tore from the land all the serpentine creatures, rendering it safe for generations of hole-probing youth and misguided foot travelers. But tonight I stood amongst blood of the same celebratory ilk, nary a thought of the past in mind. We huddled around the Auld Weber Grille, top astrewn far from flaming sight, to watch logs burn and simply be friends in its glow, speaking of the fineities of moderne civilization and the ways in which we appreciate it. Laughter was being passed around the orange circle of warmth in lieu of a joint (as the next generation of us was present), and we rejoiced in the accomplishments of our age. Those being the ingenuity required to successfully build a rocket upon which one could attempt to soar across the length of a body of water. Not for science, mind you, but for laugher, for the outcome has long since been proven. Other accomplishments need not be mentioned, for as I sit here typing in a box that may be read by a meager but important few, I realize that I wear upon my skin this eve, the accomplishment of a lifetime. I sit here typing this not in an attempt to redefine the stupid holiday which we so blindly observe year after year, but rather to shine a new light in which it could be seen. I reek of the fire around which we gathered. It reminds me of all prior fires, and all of the conversations that happened to take place around them. This simple and completely identifiable odor is one that instantly links me to my true heritage: The garden-raised American that I am. Having been fortunate enough to embark on weekend quests for tranquil, inebriated, and truth-telling circles of friendship on practically whatever soil we chose, My dearest friends and I will be snapped into the highlight reels of our lives when bringing home this smell. Every pinecone, crushed can of beer, cigarette butt flicked carelessly into the coals has stood not as a mark of time, but as a mark of my heritage. A moment preserved in my mind forever as one that I pray my children will get to experience in this country as well. That is to say, if only they will realize that the only good thing of a cig is the flicking it into the fire part. And the best thing to drink on Saint Pat's is Wild Irish Rose, brewed in Chanadaigua, New York. HighLife & Hotpants, Snakehawk.

Sunday without football is just, well, Ok. I guess. Sorta.  And I'm talking about it on Monday.  Go figure.

We've got college basketball out the ying yang, if you're into that sort of thing. I was watching the WSU Cougars go double overtime against Vanderbilt Saturday night.  And it was a pretty good game. Then either a) the phone rang b) I saw my shadow or c) I had to take a piss... and I didn't watch the game end.  And I didn't give it a second thought.

Yeah, I found it really captivating I guess.  Just like the rest of television.  Evil black box that it is...

Link dump:

[new doping investigation in belgium] velonews.com
[the walking cadaver] usnews.com
[bitch'n] goodweatherforairstrikes.com
[coolness] shotsringout.com
[i might be gay] myspace.com/femmesfatales
[very cool] shocker.club.fr/music.html
[more of the same] beam.to/cosmodrome

A real music angle to tonight's links. Go figure. Enjoy.

That dopplebanger shit is not to be missed. They got a, what do you call that shit, a mashup? Whatever. They got this one joint called Look At My Celebrity Villeneuve feat. M83 vs Twista. It's "Look At Me" by Villeneuve and M83 (the fucking bomb) with the vocals from "Overnight Celebrity" by Twista. That one is getting mad play up in here.

As in I've played it ten times a day since I downloaded it.

Today is my sisters birthday.

We are eleven months apart to the day. That means that for one month of each year, we are the same age.

Every time I tell her she's old. And she tells me you're older.

And then we laugh.

Happy Birthday, sis. Life wouldn't be the same without you.

I was talking with a woman I know today about her grandson. He was hit and killed by a car a year and a half ago in New Mexico. There is a rather large hole in her heart, as you can probably imagine.

She told me that she wasn't sure about god and all that before this happened, even though she was raised Catholic.

But she's sure now.

Her grandson has been leaving her coins.  Pennies, usually.  New, shiny ones.  And always face up.  Sometimes there are two pennies and a dime.  And once or twice just a dime by itself.

But she finds one almost every day.  And it makes her believe he's watching over her.

She told me of finding coins in parking lots, at the filling station, hotel lobbies, the grocery store, you name it.  Once, as she was arguing with a family member and a car door was slammed shut in anger, a penny came out of the door handle and landed face up on the seat next to her.  She took it as a sign that the argument wasn't really important, and that family was.

I was also raised Catholic.  And I don't believe in much of anything.  But that, as they say, is another story. 

I'll tell you what I do believe: If you find a coin every day and it helps you make some kind of sense out of this fucking life, it's a good thing.  And you're one up on me.

Link dump:

[blogness] bigdicksplace.blogspot.com
[game. set. match.] craigslist.org
[crazy acid throwing woman] youtube.com
[bitch'n] tribune-georgian.com
[eagles resign buckhalter] mcall.com/eagles
[vid] alloutprodux.com/whambamjam.mov
[snow job] tpmmuckraker.com
["it's quite an offensive case"] mcall.com
[the post gonzo trainwreck] andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com

Today's email offerings:

From: pimpy Subject: is it just me.... ... or is Valerie Plane really fucking hot? Just an observation.

Maybe that's what got Rove's panties all in a bunch when he referred to her as "fair game"? (three sources: msnbc.msn.com, msnbc.msn.com, washingtonpost.com) 

He's like the fat loser kid that wants to destroy the hot popular girl he'll never sleep with.

I tried to find some of her testimony today on youtube, but came up empty. I did find short blurb and a pic on talkingpointsmemo.com.  I'm sure it'll be on the net somewhere by this time tomorrow.

And, in regards to that washingtonpost.com I listed above, read down the article a bit to where Bush is quoted about the leaking of classified information.  Remember that?  Bush made it sound like this was all news to him. First he'd heard of it.  Leakers in his administration?  On his watch?  No!  They'll cooperate fully with the investigation.  We'll get to the bottom of it. 

His answers from a Q&A session (which I assume is what the washington post is referring to) following a discussion on job creation with business leaders at the University of Chicago is quoted below:

"Let me just say something about leaks in Washington. There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. There's leaks at the executive branch; there's leaks in the legislative branch. There's just too many leaks. And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of. And so I welcome the investigation. I -- I'm absolutely confident that the Justice Department will do a very good job. There's a special division of career Justice Department officials who are tasked with doing this kind of work; they have done this kind of work before in Washington this year. I have told our administration, people in my administration to be fully cooperative. I want to know the truth. If anybody has got any information inside our administration or outside our administration, it would be helpful if they came forward with the information so we can find out whether or not these allegations are true and get on about the business." Source: whitehouse.gov

He made this statement knowing full well that he himself had already "declassified sensitive intelligence in 2003 and authorized its public disclosure to rebut Iraq war critics" through Dick Cheney and his jackboot henchmen. (source: msnbc.msn.com) One of which, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, was just convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the investigation of just what who said what to whom and when. So, the whole bit about "if the person has violated the law" as bull.  He knew he send 'em out to talk to reporters armed with recently declassified info.  He knew it. 

And when the investigation proceeded, none of them cooperated.  Scooter sure didn't.  He perjured himself in front of a Grand Jury. 

Of course, the "sensitive intelligence" in this case was the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate and not the covert status of Valerie Plame Wilson.  But that doesn't change the fact that what Bush was publicly saying at the time wasn't exactly on the level.  It was that typically vague language he uses that offers noncommittal clarity while remaining foggy enough to maintain a level of plausible deniability for when things go pear shaped.

"I want to know the truth."  You already know the truth, it started with you and went straight down the line. Scooters just the poor bastard who got caught holding the bag.  And you'll undoubtedly pardon him as you prepare to leave office.

I've really got to wonder if these guys were willing to declassify an NIE on the hush (remember, not a lot of people knew it had been declassified) solely for the purpose of leaking it to the press and discrediting Iraq war critics, what other classified information were they considering for leaks?  Do you think they knocked a few ideas around over coffee in the morning?

I do.  Remember Cheney's handwritten notes in the margin of Joe Wilson's New York Times Op-Ed?  He jotted down a few ideas to discuss with the boys later, a few angles to leverage their argument.  A plan of action if you will.  Read about it here: msnbc.msn.com.

It isn't much of a stretch to think there was a purposeful and deliberate effort to smear Joe Wilson utilizing any and all means necessary.  And I mean any and all means.  His wife was "fair game".

Not much of a stretch at all.

From: Nat Subject: The Keyesville Classic MTB Race Hey Hey Big Jonny, We almost lost a great Race, after 18 years the old director (thanks) hung up his hat, so with months before race day, my buddy Zac stepped up to keep a great thing going. What better way to kick off the Green-Beer-Weekend than race your brains out in the hills above beautiful Lake Isabella. Check out the event at ssfta.com DH, short track, Cross Country, and good times. We get an e-mail a few days back from an agent asking about reimbursement if a 'pro cyclist' girl nikigudex.com comes and talks to the media. Yes Honey, there's 100% payback in the men's and women's pro fields, come and win your prize money just like everyone else. If you need a warm dry place to rest your mousy little head between races, that can be provided for you. Shit if you let me ride your bike, I'll cook you oatmeal when you wake up in the morning. Muchas hugs man, Nat professional adventure cyclist (that means l just bike around and f-off all day) natbikes.com/blog

So Gudex wants "show" money these days? Whatever. She's probably getting used to guys falling all over themselves around her. I saw her up in Vegas once and offered her a pair of drunkcyclist socks. She held them at arms length and asked, "What are these?"

"Socks."

I sure do have a way with people. 

File this next one under WTF.

From: Johnny Smoke Subject: hit by rock.... Really. I'm serious. This (bb.nsmb.com/showthread.php?t=93433) happened to this chick (nsmb.com/images/shore_news/bunnies/sarah.jpg) what..........the..........fuck

A race report I got a week ago and never actually posted:

From: Jason Subject: Globe Hey Jonny, Contrary to Loveday's race report of the road race up in Globe, there were actually five guys who survived the break and made it to the finish. I know because I was one of them and had the misfortune of trying to sprint Denny Vaughn for 4th place. As you probably know, that didn't work and I took 5th, just in front of JR and Matt Cooke. The final throwdown came on the climb with about twenty miles to go. We had hit the climb and dropped one guy immediately, due to a series of attacks coming out of the break. About two miles into the climb, Nick put in a hard attack, and only Ulrich and eventually winner Buck Miller could cover. That was pretty much game over for me, as Denny is Nick's teammate and wasn't going to help on the rest of the climb. Those guys rode a good race, and I think that all of us were pretty happy to make it to the line in front of the pack.

He's referring to an email I posted from Lovedog back on the 7th.  Better late than never, right?

Sure.

From: froboy Subject: Unions are killing this Country Unions are killing this country. Here is a prime example. It is not that uncommon for as many as 14 to 18 union people to just stand around and watch while only one person is doing the work.

Yo, it's a god damn shame ain't it? 

And I like the guy on his hands and knees next to her.  What the fuck is he doing?

From: Mark Subject: perspective A bit long, but worth the read... Mark in SC bigbeargrizzly.net

Yes, it is worth the read. There is nothing one can feel other than the deepest empathy for the families of all those young soldiers. And all I can say is thank you.

This is his myspace page. Take a look.  Then read this: airforcetimes.com.

When is this week going to end? Just yesterday I couldn't believe it was half over. And today I can't believe it's not over yet.

Go figure on that one.

Just when you think it couldn't possibly be that bad, I give you several tpmmuckraker links to chew on.

[mother fuck karl rove] tpmmuckraker.com
[it's time to shit can gonzo] tpmmuckraker.com
[bush: either accomplice or clueless] tpmmuckraker.com

Boom.

Anyone else smell smoke?  I mean, really, what's next for these guys?  Is nothing beneath them?

That's about all I gots for tonight.

Oh dear lord god in heaven, Wednesday already?  I mean, really? We're halfway through the week? 

And what have I done with my life to this point?  Not fucking much.

Good times.

The new Flower Tucci website just dropped.  If you haven't heard of her before, consider yourself warned. 

That's what I do, I warn people.  You can thank me later.  Preferably much later.

You just gotta know her site is about to blow the fuck up. It'll be like Hiroshima up in here by the end of the week.  I'm going to get email thanking me for linking her shit and emails telling me I'm the fucking devil.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

The porn business is a like a traffic accident: I can't look at it and I can't look away.  Pretty much at the same time.  It can get confusing, believe me.

And, yes, I am going straight to hell.  Quickly.

Whatever.

Link dump:

[rove is so damn lame] tpmmuckraker.com
[schumer advancing the ball] tpmmuckraker.com
[it really is that bad] time-blog.com
[gonzales is a toad] tpmmuckraker.com
[clinton did "it". define "it"] electioncentral.tpmcafe.com

Yo. Email.

From: Charlie Subject: rays linky Keep you rolling with the rays action. Vid from the recent mtb comp, check my boy jd, turning out the lights. Props to theo at allout for the vid. alloutprodux.com/rays07.mov

I gots to give the kids props. Your man brings down the lights in that one.  And I like how a lot of 'em on are single speeds. Less cables to deal with. One more thing - the remix wid Wu-Tang & Gang Starr is tight.

After we sorted out the oven mitt suits and got ourselves back in the car, we decided it was time to sort out some dinner. We were to hit up El Charro, a favorite of the Pun and I. We left Congress and Pun took the lead, the rest of us following behind on the sidewalk engaged in bullshit conversations about this and that. Basically everything except where we were heading.

Once we got to the convention center, that all changed.  Now everyone was asking Pun just where in the hell we were going.  I'll tell you this much, we weren't heading towards El Charro.  We had walked six or seven blocks in entirely the wrong direction.

We reversed course, and with a little bit of luck, found the restaurant.  After rounds of drinks were secured at the bar, our table was quickly readied.  More drinks arrive as the house Mariachi band strolled by.

I waved the leader over and explained our friend was getting married.   He expressed his condolences as he placed his hat to his chest and played taps on his trumpet.  Then I requested something along the lines of Vaya con Dios (meaning "Go with God" in Spanish).  The gentleman obliged in fine form.

There wasn't a dry eye in the place.  Mostly because we were howling with laughter.

Drinks, food, fun.  Eventually it came to an end and we wandered back towards Congress, albeit in a rather direct fashion. We had already been on the tour of downtown Tucson.  This was go time.

Several rounds of drinks later, and its time to take Fitty to an adult establishment.  AJ researches our options in the back of Tucson Weekly.  He settles on the one with the best "free entry" coupon, secured eight issues and tears out eight coupons.  Pun is really fired up on the joint as it's called Raider's Reef and he just can't let go of them Raiders. (It seems to reviews well)

AJ is the new designated driver.  He rolls into the parking lot and parks us in the VIP section.  We didn't know this until we stepped out of the car and met a rather large gentleman who asked us for five dollars.  AJ moved the car one row over and saved us a Lincoln.  Smart man, that AJ, he's going places.

The building is shaped like a boat. Sorta.  About as much of a boat as the Raiders are a viable football team.  So not much like a boat at all.

I start throwing dances at Fitty.  All comers. Him. Getting married.  Dance. Don't be kind.

At one point, when Fitty isn't being murdered by dancers, Budweiser, or both, he taps my arm and points at a rather full bodied lass on stage.  I know what I have to do.  I have to get a dance for Pun.

He's in heaven.  Best $7 dollars I've ever spent in my life.

At some point, I'm talking to one of the girls and cracking jokes. She smiles and I realize she's missing a tooth.  I tell her that since she works at a place called the Raiders Reef, she should wear an eye patch.  I cover my eye and say "Arrrgh!" for effect.

Then I buy Fitty a dance with my new pirate friend.  Oh, endless fun up in that joint.  Let me assure you of that.

Link dump:

[off road fixed] 63xc.com
[this is so fucked] whatdoiknow.org
[these guys are big fun] timothysaccenti.com/..battles - atlas
[keep on truck'n toto] nyvelocity.com
[bmx kids tear the lid off ray's] youtube.com

I've been listening to this tonight: dischord.com/embrace. Because I can.

Reminds me of high school.  Or something like that.

The past weekend was a fucking train wreck. 

From: Chris Subject: Kill Grant, Why? What did Grant ever do to you besides pimp an unusual tire size, the 650B, and try to introduce a new size. You mean you haven't heard of Rivendell's proposal of yet a new tire size the 603? I figured when Grant Peterson spoke the ENTIRE cycling world sat up to hear what he was saying. I know I do but I drank the Bridgestone koolaid long ado and am a Riv member even though I'll probably never own one of their frames. Unless you're talking about a different Grant, well then nevermind.

Yo, it's a whole different type of Grant. Your Grant, fine.  Our Grant? Fuck 'em.

Where do I fucking start?  How 'bout with Friday? 

I've packed my bags and finished up what passes for work around here lately at the drunkcyclist world headquarters.  Pun phones me 'round about the time when we were hoping to leave; Fitty (aka Grant) is in Winslow for some work issue he or I can neither explain or condone.  We'll be here in Flagstaff for another hour at least.  More time to plan Fitty's demise.

I drive across town, pick up the boys and we fucking finally leave.  I have to stop and pick up a cup of coffee on my way out as I'm, well, tired after a week of what passes for work around here.  I'm the busiest unemployed guy you know.

Pun and I event a new game on the drive down.  Since my ride has, gasp, a cassette player (yo, I'm old school like that) we take turns playing god awful songs off our god awful old tape collections.  I hit out strong with some Lench Mob Guerilla in tha Mist.  He came back at me with Vanilla Ice. Which he also sang.

We tortured each other with hits by such notable acts as: Ice Cube, Weird Al Yankovic, Bad Brains, Hank Williams Sr., and Eminem.  Finally he offered up Metallica's Ride the Lightning which ended up owning the stereo for quite some time.

Four hours of busting each others balls later we roll into Tucson.  And straight to the bar.  We were smart enough to get rooms at the Hotel Congress where we'll be doing most of our self immolation with Pabst Blue Ribbon.  And so it goes.

Fist night, Kill Grant Dead is a smashing success.  He's against the ropes and begging for mercy by 1:00 am.  Pun and I feel like heroes.

Andrew 40 Hands rolls through and tries his luck at knocking back pints with Pun.  It goes as one would expect and Pun takes two out of three rounds in style.  At least 40 Hands had the guts to try, I'll give him that much.  Me?  I don't try to keep up with Pun.  He's a machine.  He doesn't feel remorse.  Or Pity.  Or Pain.  And he absolutely will not stop until you are dead.

Close the bar, head upstairs and finally call it a night around 3:00 am.  I get up at something stupid like 8:30 and try to figure out the shower.  There are four knobs, none of which seem to make water come out of the shower head. It just comes out of the faucet at my feet.

I eventually take a knee and just give up.  I'm having a bath this morning it seems.  Getting back up, dressed and trying out some other rooms shower seems like far to much work.

Splish.  Splash.

Rally the boys and we're enjoying breakfast downstairs in no time.  Pun orders the days first bloody mary.  I follow his lead as I have to.  He'll mock me endlessly if I don't.  Mine hits the table first as "dieder" or whatever the "I want to be European" assclown bartenders name is can't be bothered to, say, make the two identical drinks at the same fucking time.

I'm hamming it up, really enjoying Pun's pain.  I'm sipping loudly and telling him how really, really satisfying it is.  What a good job dieder did.  How glad I am I ordered it.  How much better I feel already.  I run the icy glass across my forehead and sigh, ahh, that's living.

Pun's ready to kill me.  Life is good.

We head to the Tap Room (aka last nights murder scene) for more drinks made by actual pros instead of pretenders.  Case in point, the man mixing drinks at 10:00 am is still there hours later on the other side of the bar drinking.  You can't fake that kind of commitment.  

We are now ready for baseball.

It should come as no surprise to readers of this page that I couldn't care less about baseball. I find it mind numbing slow, tedious, pointless and just plain stupid.  Just about what most of America says about cycling.  Anyway, Sox - A's at TEP.  Good times.

Fun the sun with beer, hot dogs, and friends.  Big M drove us over as I'll soon be in no condition to drive and don't plan on changing up the game plan in the near future.  As soon as we sit down Big M manages to drop mustard all over her lap.  I enjoyed it immensely.

We see a couple of double plays, three broken bats and all kinds of white trashy blonds. Ok, I made up the last part.  I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

After the game, our new designated driver is Snake.  We head out for some go-cart action at some rental place near the county fair grounds.  It's out there.  I'm pretty sure you could hit New Mexico with a rock from the parking lot.  They require long pants, sleeves and closed toe shoes to operate their fleet of finely maintained vehicles.   We show up like the train wrecks we are in shorts and sandals. 

The guy who runs the place says he has some "loaner" outfits in his trailer.  What he comes out with are these big, quilted, flame retardant one piece jump suits.  Un-fucking-real.  But we still need shoes.  We drive a few miles to a Fry's grocery store and outfit ourselves with stylish aqua socks for $6.99.

I somehow squeeze myself into this thing, and it feels like I'm wearing an oven mitt.  And if you think that sounds bad, you should have seen me cram my fat ass into that cart.  There was no seatbelt, but I don't think it would have mattered as I was in little danger of being ejected from the vehicle.  Or, for that matter, of being comfortable.  The steering wheel was so close it felt as though it were a belt buckle.  My knees were splayed out wide and the pedals were awfully close.  Leg room wasn't happening.

Anyway, we drive a bunch of laps with gloves, full face helmets, neck braces, oven mitt jump suits and aqua socks.  After railing about seventeen really hard corners I start to get a bit nauseous as my head sloshed around.  And around and around. In a rather warm helmet.  Too many beers in the sun and I'm going hella fast around the track.  Ugh.  Game over. I open the visor to get a little air and wave the boys past.   I need to back off a bit or bad things are going to happen to me.

Even after letting the entire field past and just surfing the last five or so laps, I still get third.  Somehow.  Pun and Snake both spun out and had to be righted with the help of the track owner, so they ended up a lap behind me.  Making the podium has never been so easy.

To be continued...

Time passes.

Life happens.

Kill.  Grant.  Dead.

Talk at ya in a couple of days.

Link dump:

[keeping it real] mitcycling.com
[more creationist ignorance] youtube.com
[raffle on] boxedbee.blogspot.com
[bush] cbs13.com
[it's tough all over] thestar.com

I think I've looked at my last naked chick.  Yo, it happens to everyone sooner or later.  And it just happened to me.

I'll see how I feel after a nights sleep.  But I'm pretty sure nothing is going to change between now and tomorrow.  Aside from the fact that I'm helping Big Pun ruin Fitty before his wedding at the end of the month.

There was supposed to be six or seven guys on board for this, but the field has split and now it's me and Pun.  But don't worry, dear reader, Big Pun and I can handle the task at hand.  And we'll still kill Fitty.

Kill him dead.

Ah, good times await.  Something about Tucson, baseball, bars and way too much food.  As it should be.

Link dump:

[it's an idea] mcdonough.com
[blogness] bikescag.blogspot.com
[go arlen specter] tpmmuckraker.com
[saul raisin] sportsbaseonline.com
[clusterfuck nation] jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com
[and it don't stop] tpmmuckraker.com
[inside the jury room] huffingtonpost.com

Straight to the email:

From: dane Subject: mtb barspins wattup guy. nice job on tha site. just thought i'd let you know mtb's barspin(and tailwhip) just fine. just run longer rear brake/shift cables and run ft brake(if using one) in through the headset. for visual proof of this being possible(and plenty of other shredding) check out Chaos Theory. quarterproductions.net youtube.com east coast mtb freestyle, motherfucker. just thought i'd let ya know...keep up the good work....

Visual proof confirmed.

My man Fro sent this one is with the subject line: I WAS JUST RIDING ALONG!!!

Yeah folks, that would be a busted steer tube. And that's a world of hurt right there.

From: Ian Subject: Slick Dick Big Jonny, I can deal with the naked bitches, the slandering of the downtown figure head of cycling, and the pseudo depression that is necessitated by your rehabilitation. But, seriously, insinuating that we as a people would not be worse off without the figurehead off all that is our perfect capitalist morality is simply un-patre-erotic? Get it together fucker. Put your dollars in Halliburton and reap the reward of the military-industrial complex that the rest of them pay for dearly. Someone obviously had a stellar grade in civics…We are the belly of the beast. Signed, First time heckler, long time caller

When I was in Phoenix over the weekend for my niece's fourth birthday party, I was sleeping in the same room as my daughter. In and of itself, not a bad thing. The more time I spend with her the better, right?

To a point, yes.  To a point.

Sleeping was a bit difficult at times, for both of us.  She wakes up at every little noise and I make a lot of noise.  Some of them not so little.  I toss, I turn, I fight with the blankets. 

I'd like to mention I have an unbeaten streak against the blankets of 13,140 to 0.  That's right, I blanked them sons a bitches.  I own them. Full stop.

Anyway, I fight the blankets every night and win by pulling them into a big ball and depositing the whole mess on top of my wife.  Who, coincidentally, really appreciates my efforts.  As in she doesn't appreciate it at all.  In fact, she's prefer I not do it at all.  But that, as they say, is another story.  I was talking about my daughter. 

I toss, I turn, I grunt, I snore.  And all of it wakes up my daughter.  She moans, she snorts, she rolls over.  And all of it wakes me up.

In short: No one wins.

On Friday, after two and a half hours of this shit, I grabbed  comforter out of the closet and headed out to the living room floor where I slept like a damn baby. 

And, come to think of it, that's exactly what my daughter did as well.

Link dump:

[bomb diggity] springhillsfarm.org/syrup.htm
[oh. my. god.] news.bbc.co.uk
[kindred spirit] mattye.net/2007/03/hero-this
[we're all going to hell] news.bbc.co.uk
[oh snap] davefoley.com

Today's email:

From: Lovedog Subject: Globe Trotting I call this little big race..... (for RIDECLEAN: Snake = Jake Rubelt, Sherpa = Rob Alarez, Hammy = Brian Forbes) JR = Michael Grabinger from Hagens Berman. Promoted by the ProCon team this race was like a mini-Bisbee with a tough 1.5 mi prologue w/200ft of climbing, a classic up and down roller coaster crit and a windy 90 mi. RR with a 6 mi climb near the finish. Just like Bisbee the prologue left everyone hacking from the dry air and intense effort. JR, our former super teammate ruled the roost with a 12 sec. gap over all comers. Our man Snake posted a 2nd place.....setting up stage 2. Too bad for Hammy his 3:52 on his computer didn't quite match the time keepers clock..... The crit was fantastic with a late break away of 2 making it to the finish (a Sierra Nevada pro and a Canadian from Tucson named Nick) allowed by the pack since they were not contesting the overall omnium. JR busted a final lap attack which was negated, setting up Snake for a 5th place moving him into the points lead (2 over JR). The Sunday RR was dictated by an early 7 man break of non-danger riders who amassed at whopping 13+ min lead at the 45 mi turn-around (bummer for Dave Reid he was detached from the break away with a broken chain at the turn-around, and still fixed in with ~ 4 min to spare over the peleton....as he was fixing it he could be heard asking Drew Miller's boy if he had French toast for breakfast...that's cool under pressure!). 4 would survive with a Canadian winning, Ullrich (not Jan) from JR's Hagens Berman team in 2nd and my man Nick Schieber in 3rd...with Denny Vaughn the last survivor in 4th. The RIDECLEAN team did a fantastic job delivering the slithering Snake to the climb safe and rested and escorting him over with 2 helpers remaining in Hammy and Sherpa. The peleton fractured on the climb with JR jumping away with Matt Cooke of Navigators and amazingly holding off ~8 riders into a 8 mi headwind decent to the finish. The pursuit was epic with all RIDECLEAN members left: Hammy, Sherpa and Snake all throwing down but JR was just too strong this day. Maybe we should have let Sherpa use bottled oxygen? JR finished 5th with Snake winning the group sprint for 7th putting them equal on points. JR was awarded the overall due to a higher placing on the final stage (note: sadly this was JR's last win on the old Grand Canyon Racing VooDoo Bondye as his new team Ridley is now built up). It was a hard fought tough race, especially for early March, in Globe AZ, with a small purse. That was real racing........ We'll be back next year for the leader's jersey.

Snake on the podium with a DC Beanie. You can be just like Snake.

Photo: Will Pratt

I see DC people....

From: Marty Subject: mcgehee today OK so your investment in sponsoring us is reaping further benefits....seems as though dan mcgehee kicked a bunch of ass at the Le Grande Century today...an AZPR event well attended (ca. 800 +) by AZ cyclists. ...mothers were shielding their young children's eyes from dan and distancing themselves. literally. obviously. PAINfully. why you ask? some new deformity he acquired? some horrible scar? some misshapen lump? none of the above. he was sporting the DC jersey in full regalia... so he looked really good coming home all alone... enough said

That one was on Saturday, March 3rd. It just sounds like it was today because I can't keep up with my emails. You can read the results here.

Go figure.

From: Matty D Subject: Pereira Cycles Roaring 29er Hey Big Jonny - He is too cool to whore himself out but I wanted to give a shout out to my old buddy Tony Pereira for taking three big awards at the North American Handmade Bike Show last weekend in San Jose. I hadn't seen the guy in like 15 years or something and it turns out he is doing custom frames up in Portland OR. He built this rig for himself and it took "Best Mountain Bike" and "Best Fillet Brazed Bike." It has so many tasty details it's hard to believe. Among others check out the fully custom, hand built fork with his own crown and integrated, functional braces. MMMMM delicious. (He also won for "Best Road Bike" at the show.) More pics, with detail shots: pereiracycles.com/gallery/showcruiser/index.php His website: pereiracycles.com

Very nice goods there kid, very nice.

From: Tim Subject: props Dearest DC, I am both a career drunken cyclist and a career military type person. In fact, I retire from the Army in about five months. So here's why I'm writing; I truly appreciate your distaste for the policies of the Bush administration and your ongoing support of our "average joe" troops. I have two of my junior enlisted Soldiers who (prior to their military careers) were pro BMX riders. These are great kids with huge heart and insane skills. I do NOT wish to see them splattered all over a hmmwv interior courtesy of an IED, just as I hate the thought of ANY Soldier dying without good cause. The bottom line is, people like you CAN save lives, CAN change policy and CAN make a real difference. All it takes is a continued commitment to spreading the message of peace and sanity> Again, thanks for what you do, and I look forward to the day when all we have to discuss are titties, beer and bikes. Peace (I hope!)

Here's to all the boys and girls coming home safe and sound. And soon.

From: Snakehawk Subject: Ill, plain ill I wrote you the other day in an ill-composed manner. Not that I'm a perch for proper writing, grammar, phrasing or any other form of nonesuch. It's just that I feel that my point was completely skirted. I skirted said point by veiling my opinion in a thin cloud of sarcasm and thick cloud of High Life, much as I always do. The real point, my friend is one that I deeply want to expound upon this evening, as none of your loyal readers are getting any younger. I did some research tonight (albeit narrowly sourced, as I pulled my learnings solely from your site, and that of St. Evil Kineivel's) and my findings were in keeping with the evidence that unfailingly annoys me every time I subject myself to research: People are always taking a fucking side. That said, I'd like to submit the following to you for review: Do you fucking like yourself? Are you a man who aside from his possessions, activities, and tired rehearsed banter can be seen? Do you have a purpose? Perhaps you are one of the minions of society who through its relentless and unstoppable evolution must look for the next thing to which you can cling, hoping desperately to be initiated as a member of the tribe. Perhaps you are a respectable person with actual talent in some arena, only to be handed nothing but a short amount of respect for sticking to your guns. Let me ask you, Little person of slighted glory: Can't you just be proud of yourself? Why is it that day in, day out, you must refer to this unforgiving and quite frankly, un-giving-a-shit forum that is the internet to receive your daily dose of purpose, motivation, and cause? I have been resorting to extreme measures for 5+ years now to hear the gospel of the brother Jonny. Not that it is a gospel fit for the masses, just a daily dose of one logical and sane man's feelings. Those of you that wish to draw deep and directional meaning from the Yellow Pages of Bike need search elsewhere. Perhaps the pages of a trendier, Flash10ier site would mend your crumbling walls of style. Let's think about this for a paragraph or two. Before there was 6,5,4,or even 2, there was you, Juan. There was Greg fucking Lemond. There was Major Taylor Velodrome. There was T-Town. Those small and undeniable Heroes and Meccas went largely unnoticed by the general American Public. Those small and undeniable Heroes and Meccas were guiding lights to many who now find the rants and raves of jean-rolling particularities to be nothing but cracks in the pavement on the road to victory. This victory of which I speak is passion for a sport that since its invention has motivated only the best in innovation, training standards, material manipulation and even physiological alterations. It is in honoring this tradition of man and machine that we as voters, consumers, proletarians, HUMANS, wish to be left from the silly loop of society that is style. To those that don't know of Bugno, Indurain, Fignon, Rominger, Riis, or Delgado: Keep rolling your pants, for nothing you do to your silly American pants can keep your talentless legs from the wrath of American bumpers. Nor can it help you to get a feel for where Juan Grande, the King of American Celebratory Cycling is, was or ever will be coming from. Now go do some skids and get drrrrrunk, go home and kiss your babies. And if you didn't know, Children are the new Black. Dolphins & Daquiries, Snakehawk

Right outta the box, big ups to my man Steve Garro. He was named Framebuilder of the Year at the North American Handmade Bicycle Show. Read about it over at frameforum.net and Steve's Blog.

Steve, you the man. Hands down.  I only hope someday I can push a broom around your workshop again.

More pics from the show up at cyclingnews.com. I'm sure they'll be plenty more to follow those.

My daughter can now recognize (among other things) a bagel by the bag they come in. She seems to really, really like bagels.  Or little chunks of them anyway.  When I took them out of the cabinet and carried 'em over towards the toaster, she begins to enthusiastically mention she would also enjoy a bit of bagel. Right now. Immediately.  Now.

Funny how that works.

In other big fun news: Libby found guilty.

Oh yes, he's going to prison.  Read it here: nytimes.com. And some folks think he might just get his sorry ass pardoned. Really. Read about it at cnn.com

Link dump:

[adot public meetings] drunkcyclist.com/forum...
[fun] killerspoons.com
[pump cast] my.break.com
[wynton marsalis] philly.com
[lisa lampanelli] youtube.com
[more toto] nyvelocity.com
[sullivan on coulter] andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com
[fox spins libby verdic] electioncentral.tpmcafe.com

Today's email:

From: JN Subject: Handmade Bike Show Hey, Jonny, I just got back from the handmade bike show in San Jose. Hooked up with Garro and his beautiful wife, who basically saved his life, by having medical. Steve is all boogered with a fibergalss exoskeleton on his leg, he should be dead but isn't, thank god. The show wa mainly about guys who brought show bikes, Garro brought the bikes he sells to real people. I did the same. Sorry, guys, no awards for you! But those bikes were really beautiful, just 'cause no one would dare ride them for fear of messing up a $1K paint job is no reason to dis them or their builders. But I'd like to see a show where every bike had to be ridden on some kind of crazy trail, before any judgments were made.

I hear what you're saying. It's one thing to push the envelope and make some real eye candy for the show. It's another to do what Steve does.  Steve makes bikes people beat the living shit out of.

And, in defense of eye candy, I've been staring at pics online all damn day.  Check out gallery.mtbr.com and cyclingnews.com for starters.  I'm sure I'll have seen about twenty additional galleries by this time tomorrow.

File this one under "Good Things".

From: Jim Subject: George and Jane Gage benefit concert Jonny, Thought you'd want to know about this - There is going to be a benefit concert for George Gage on March 24, from 4 - 10 PM at Rawhide, located in Chandler. For those who don't remember, George and his wife - who was riding on his wheel - were hit by an uninsured motorist who ran a red light. Jane had (relatively) minor injuries (a couple of broken fingers, scraped knees, and a mild concussion), but George was in the lucky-to-be-alive department with a laundry list of injuries a mile long. He spent 8 days in the ICU and approximately 2 more weeks in the hospital. It's my understanding that he's doing well; he's walking with a cane but is having recurring dizzy spells. The doctors said his dizzy spells will last for probably another year, given the extent of the head trauma, but, as I said he's doing very very well. gagetotaltraining.com/concert contains a map as well as ticket information; spread the word!

And then you have shit like this:

From: Snakehawk Subject: Your Opinion is Wrong! Hey Jonny! I'm a really smart person from North Carolina. I was reading your website the other day. It is really awesome. I was not using any form of anti-virus protection. I had a beer sitting by the keyboard. NO COASTER!!!! Nor did I have any type of wipe-up device in sight. I was like, "If only this website guy could see me now!!" I AM SO FUCKING CRAZY!!!!! LOCO!!!!!!! I basically wanted to write you today (1st timer) to let you know that I am awesome as fuck. Your site was a big surprise to me, considering how hardcore and fully-smart that I am. I would have written you sooner about hardcore shit, and how awesome as fuck I am, but I was busy with some other way-tuff crap. So here I am, up on your scene letting you know that I know. I know about your site and am an expert in all of the shit that you talk about. You may want to carefully word your shit on the site because I have a virtually uncontrollable and relentless urge to counterpoint the fuck out of shit that people say. It's part of being as hardcore as I am. You probably don't understand, but don't worry, most of my friends don't. That is why I am friends with them. I am smarter and hardercorer than you. It will benefit you in the future to remember that. Hey bro, I'm sure you are hanging on the screen right now like a poser up on my scene, but I can't let you have this much gnarledge for free. Plus I am about to go shit and not wipe. OR FLUSH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!! I AM MOTHERFUKKEN LOKO-COKO!!!!!!!!! Break yo'self. Snakehawk

A few days out of the saddle and the weirdness begins to creep in on me.... getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.

I spend Friday night in Sedona, Saturday night in Phoenix. My niece had her fourth birthday party at a place called, no shit, pump it up. The background graphic on their homepage is the same, swear to god, as the carpet in that disease ridden hell hole.

It's a big place with two rooms full of inflatable "bouncy" stuff, like the kinds you can rent for backyard parties.  But these are set up indoors permanently.  You get the room to yourself for a couple of hours, for a couple hundred bucks. 

It's located in a mixed commercial park near the freeway.  I can't imagine the price per square foot is too steep, and all the employees appear to be in high school.   They run something like six groups through each room every weekend day, and they're booked solid six months out.

If I was a smarter man, I'd open one of these places.  Instead I'll just continue to wash myself and dread the next time I have to crawl around in one of those damn petri dishes.

The things we do for love.

There was a reading for our dear departed Hunter Thompson over at Uptown Billiards.  Which, incidentally, is my second favorite bar in town.  I always pimp Pay-n Take (and for good reason), but I should also make mention of Uptown. It's just around the corner, literally, within stumbling distance. I know this because I have stumbled between these two institutes of higher learning. 

And they serve hooch.  Where Pay-n Take is a beer and wine only joint, Uptown is a full service establishment.  As in, they have Whiskey and other full octane offerings to help "brain your damage" in true Homer form.

Link dump:

[coulter sucks] cnn.com/...coulter.edwards
[hooray for the handbuilt] howtoavoidthebummerlife.com
[swobo] drunkcyclist.com/forum...
[it's about time] metacafe.com...robotic beer launching refrigerator
[hottie on bike] bodsforthemods.com...Dawson-Miller-bicycle

If I wasn't all hurt up, I'd be doing this one again this year.  Instead, I'll be on the sidelines:

From: Jimbo Subject: The Squealer It feels like that time of year again. Time to Squeal! Like usual, it will happen the day before Easter. Same fun format as last year, except that we will have a nice lunch with beer at the finished Spokes restaurant after the race. See the attached flier and return in soon. Also, please forward it to anyone that you think may enjoy this event.

As compared to dinner in the un-finished Spokes restaurant and their, shudder, horror film bathroom?  And how 'bout I just post it and share it with hundreds of people in one shot?

Yeah, it's cool like that.

From: Steve Subject: SWOBOS GOT BIKES SWOBO(dot)COM has all of the details. Like your sisters hot friend, they are mesmerizing beautiful in an ugly kind of way, they'll always do the trick, and you can lock up a mean skid and never drop your sixer. I mean sure, you can ride your Nagasawa to the bar, get drunk and forget where you locked it. Of course you can ride your Masi to the store to pick up a perfect avocado, and leave it outside the market unattended for 'just a second', you're perfectly capable of engaging in an impromptu derby atop your custom Landshark one speed, and we have no doubt you could ride your vintage P.K. Ripper down the escalator at the train station. You could do all of these things. But you wont, cause we have faith you're not stupid. Mostly. The new Swobo bikes. A battering ram you can ride to the movies.

That'll work.

From: Charlie Subject: Mine is better Just what we need, another shit-throwing contest about whose wheel size is better. You all fucking suck. Some 15 year-old who rides his bike every day because it is fun is going to kick every one of your sorry asses at your next park contest/trail ride/race/scenester gathering. Anyone who is a real rider will gratefully throw a leg over anything handed to them, and proceed to shred. I hope you all die.

Front page of our local paper, the Daily Sun, has an article in today's edition about the fine folks over at Ride the Spine.  They poached the Grand Canyon on their bikes, then posted pics and video of it on their website.  They got popped at the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo.

You can read about here: ridingthespine.com/...riding the spine into a bit of trouble.

Seems like 48 hours in jail and a $500 dollar fine won't be much of a deterrent. I've paid a steeper price for a weekend in Vegas.  That said, being banned from all National Parks for 5 years would just about kill me.

In other fun news, Maj. Gen. George W. Weightman got shit canned (sorry, relieved of command) from the Walter Reed Medical Center after a stellar year at the helm.  He was given the reigns on August 25, 2006.  A day that will live in infamy.

Let's hope this leads to actual change over at Walter Reed.  The conditions at that facility are inexcusable.  Our boys deserve better than that.

Link dump:

[407k/hour] glumbert.com/media/bugatti
[the caged bird sings] tpmmuckraker.com
[josh marshall] pbs.org/...interviews/marshall
[boobs on bikes parade] stuff.co.nz
[george dubya tush] celebritybuttplugs.com
[fixed gear follies] youtube.com
[double standard?] talkingpointsmemo.com

Today's emails:

From: Boone Subject: BMX Kids Ok, so those couple of YouTube vids were completely amazing. And that just proves what I've thought all along: Mt bikers can't even begin to touch what is being done in freestyle bmx. It's when you watch talent like that that you realize how incredibly fucking lame urban/street Mt. Biking is. Just look at Daren Berecloth. The guy started out in BMX and was pretty mediocre at it and couldn't make it as a pro. So what does he do? He figures out he can come over to freeride mt. biking, throw a few superman's and start doing 3's off of drops and all of the sudden he's one of the top pros in the business. Now I'm not saying that guy isn't a good rider, because he does stuff that I couldn't even begin to try, but I hope you are seeing my point that it's kind of embarrassing how much certain factions of the mt biking world try to emulate what is being done in BMX and fail to do so miserably. It makes me think back a good few years ago when I was still in high-school. I have been mt biking since I was like 10 (awesome parents) and then when freeriding started really coming on to the scene in the late 90's/ early 00's I thought it was the coolest shit ever. So I got myself an Rocky Mountain RM6, watched all of the movies and started building all kinds of North shore trails and dirt jumps around my house. I thought it was great, and thought myself to be quite the badass. Well, then my fam moved to Morgan Hill, CA (where Specialized headquarters is) in 2002 and a lot of the kids I ended up making friend with were REALLY good BMXers. One of my buddies even rode for Specialized, and I think still does. Anyways, once I starting hanging with them, seeing what they did on a bike, and watching their videos, I began to realize how lame my 10 foot drops on a 6 inch travel bike were. So from that point on I have gradually wised up and come to the conclusion that, as I said before, it is sooooo lame when mt biking tries to imitate BMX. It only makes mt bikers look like unoriginal pussies. Now don't get me wrong, the Whistler Bike Park has got to be one of the funest places I have ever had the pleasure of riding, and there are some very talented "freeriders" out there, but it's when "freeriding" starts heading to the streets and skateparks on 26'' imitation bmx bikes with front suspension and disk brakes that things get shitty real fast. Mt bikes should be used for things that BMX bikes can't be used for, i.e tearing shit up on killer single track...in the woods...hell, maybe on a mountain even.

I have to agree that the BMX riders are definitely pushing the envelope for what can be done on two wheels. Check out this vid Stevil Kinevil (or is it St. Evil Kinevil?) posted over at howtoavoidthebummerlife.com. It's insane.

The kid nails this one over a railing, across a stair gap and down a wall trick @ 2:53 I had to watch a few times just to get my head around what I just watched.

From: Ben Subject: dear drunk cycling person you should not cycle while you are drunk first off. but that is not my point. i would like to express some of my opinions, but i do not have the "huevos" that you do. as concerns with your recent posts and some of my inebriated ramblings. -brakes or no brakes. it is your choice. i know plenty of people that ride with front & rear, some front brakes and some no brakes. its all good in the hood. a bike is a bike, as long as you ride it. -Juan good guy. chubby, but fast. also doneski. -bikes to school riding a bike to school is still cool, as i have found out since last week. -70's haircuts not cool. -that guy doing the sweet wheelie thing in the link dump very cool, i have watched it about 20 times, and i still can't describe how smooth he is. -apple great company, just needs to go green to prove they back what they say. -talking shit fun. -breeze cool guy, needs to jump into the spotlight. -kansas sucks. knock knock...whos there.....booze.....booze who?.....booze why you cryin?

Thanks for the email, Ben.

From: Vance Subject: wtf So here's the basic current Iraq argument in a nutshell: the house and senate have no direct influence on the war, so they're discussing manipulating funds as indirect influence. The executive branch says the the dems are f'ing over the troops. But it's okay to send them over without key training? Am I missing something about the critia for f'ing the troops over? cnn.com

I think you've got it right. Support the troops by sending 'em overseas under prepared and under equipped. And ignore them when they come back wounded. Sounds about right.

Arrgh. Fuck. Kill.

That is all.