Happy Monday. Pills and thrills and bellyaches and all that. Did my first road race of the year (was it really?) this Saturday. A big old hill climb up Snow Bowl. It's not so much a mass start as folks are grouped by category, but it's no time trail either.

I geared up and pedaled over, thinking I would have plenty of time. Yeah, with these wooden legs? Shit. I can usually make it to the bottom of Snow Bowl in about a half hour from my house. Depending, of course, on traffic, red lights and whether or not I get caught up behind a train crossing. Yes, we have those here. The trains I mean.

It took me 45 minutes to get there. A bit of foreshadowing perhaps?

For those of you that don't know the joy of Snow Bowl road, lemme break it down for ya. It's about seven miles top to bottom. Pretty consistent gradient, a bit over two thousand feet of climbing. We're only doing the first six and a half miles, so we get to miss the last part of the road, which is dirt. If it was me, I'd have sent 'em up that too. Fuckers deserve it. Happy happy, joy joy.

The first mile is dead straight. Then it turns right, goes for a bit, maybe a quarter mile and turns left. It went about as you'd expect for a big fat bozo like me: I got dropped between the first right and the first left. Yep, I didn't even make it two miles. I'm pretty sure I finished dead last in my category. If I didn't, I'll be really surprised. I may have gotten the lantern rouge for the whole damn event.

Oddly enough, I can't go fast. Go figure on that one, eh? But I did head back down the hill, pick up my backpack and climb that bitch again just for good measure before I went home. Maybe my Leadville prep is ok if I can climb a lot, just not particularly fast?

We'll see in two weeks.

Links of doom:

[fort] manicmtbr.blogspot.com/2006/07/wordplay.html
[lemond] msnbc.msn.com/id/14098757/from/RS.3
[vid] break.com/index/bike_path_water_hole_prank.html
[pantani] timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,923-2278627,00.html
[blog] themdcc.blogspot.com

From: Chris Subject: Landis How about 3 strikes in cycling. As in Ex Postie Tyler, ex postie Heras, ex postie Landis. Arguably the 3 biggest positives in the last 2 years. It sucks when you don't have the pharmaceutical lobby behind your ass and you are not bringing 5 mill a year into the medical research world. You don't get the special turner kit and syringe.

These guys leave the Postal "program" and all the sudden they get popped, all after each other. It does make you think something was rotten in Denmark all along, doesn't it? Kinda hard to believe all these guys were on the up and up at Postal and as soon as they left they just had to dope to be competitive.

And Armstrong's personal anger/resentment at riders who left "his" team could be covering his own ass as much as missing their talent. He likes to keep ranks closed.

Sooner or later someone is going to sing like a bird. I'm not sure who, and I'm not sure when. But it's going to happen.

Need something to do on August 4th? Check this out, a show featuring work by friend of DC, Steve Smith. Yep. It opens this Friday and runs through August 26th over at The Hide. You can find this place at 131 Front Street, Santa Cruz. More info available over at The Hide's website.

So, it was all about the beer Floyd was drinking?

Ugh. The Tour is a fucking train wreck. What's next? What's going to come out now? Voodoo witchcraft? Alien abduction? Cannibalism?

A reader writes in with his thoughts on doping in the Tour:

From: William Subject: Man, I don't think so. Wrong on too many levels. No one could be stupid enough to dope in this tour, especially if you go out planning to make a move like that. My question is what effect being totally pissed at the world and kicking ass like that had on the test in question. Hell, my testosterone levels were off just WATCHING it, much less doing it. Problem is, even if it comes back clean he'll always have that attached to his win. Damn, I need a beer.

I said before they'd be an asterisk next to the winners name because last years top five weren't there. I had no idea…

What more can I say than, thanks for the memories phonak. It was a good run. At least none of your riders died. Yet.

Is Floyd Landis the new Babe Ruth? Inquiring minds want to know.

From: Peraldo Subject: Landis and booze Think about it. Babe Ruth lived on a steady diet of beer, hot dogs and hookers and still managed to bloat, belch and poot his way to 714 homers. How many homers did he hit after a case of quarts, or how many hung over like bachelor party to the 10th power. The man was a giant with the brews. Obviously it ramped up the testosterone so Floyd should be OK???? If beer and eventually penicillin were illegal the babe would have been banned for life, not like the case of terminal stupidity that afflicted Pete Rose. I also read the LeMon(d) statement as complete non support for the innocent until proven guilty camp like a lot of those other guys...sigh. Here's to hoping.

More Floyd coming at ya:

From: grey Subject: good landis link long time reader, first time emailer. this could be a good one to follow as the story develops. freefloydlandis.blogspot.com what i'd like to know is just how much of a short term effect a bit of testosterone could have? and unfortunately it's a bunch of science mumbo-jumbo that puts down a guilty or not guilty verdict. i take this story more personally because i was still racing road when floyd got signed to mercury. it was a season when they did their team tuning up in northern california where i live. because they weren't national calendar races mercury would sometimes show up with 14 guys and basically do a team time trial with all the norcal 1's and 2's strung out in the gutter. good times. but i remember going to tour of willamette that had a pro/1/2 field (i was a 2) and seeing floyd crash in a totally stupid way during the roll out of the stage (that was usually the last time i saw any of the mercury riders anyway) and he knocked himself pretty good, but next thing you know within a few miles he flies past everyone in the gutter to go to the front and throw down for the team--it was his first year with the team so he was just a worker. he very quickly was cementing a reputation as being hard and strong as fuck, and he totally deserved it. when he cracked on stage 16 it was such a drag, but then the next morning reading the live report on cyclingnews i can't remember being that overwhelmed by a bike race in years. that was such a ride. instant legend, just add 70 bottles of water! i really, really don't want to see floyd go out like this. keep on riding.

Tonight's links:

[spooky] calendarlive.com
[sweet ride] newenglandcross.com
[gay] celebrity.aol.com/people/ataol/articles/0,26618,1219142,00.html
[biker down] press-citizen.com
[landis] sports.yahoo.com/sc
[more landis] cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=features/2006/landis_beer
[testosterone] coachsci.sdsu.edu/csa/vol116/kraemer.htm
[connect the dots] humanpoweredtransport.net/connecting_dots.html
[vid] video.google.com/videoplay?...technical+virgin
[reactions to landis story] cyclingnews.com/jul28news
[ligget] olntv.com/tdf
[watts] pezcyclingnews.com
[drugs in sports] outside.away.com/drugs-in-sports-1.html

That's it for tonight. See you all in hell.

This is a Holy Shit early morning update: Landis tests positive at Tour after Stage 17 fireworks display.

sportsillustrated.cnn.com/tour_de_france/landis.doping
abcnews.go.com/Sports/wireStory?id=2242133
thestar.com
cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2006/jul06/jul27news3
velonews.com/news/fea/10591.0.html

I'm going to go out the garage and hang myself now.

Another day, another dollar. Or something like that anyway.

So this week I'm riding with a bunch of elementary age kids. Take'n em out for a mountain bike ride. One is ten, three are eleven and one is twelve. I'm in good company.

We go past the grave of a young boy on the east side. Not much more than a pile of rocks, really. An iron cross forms the headstone and a sign explaining just what it is, the grave of John Elden, killed in the 1880's.

The story is as follows:

Some of the kids fail to notice and/or read the sign. So, one asks, pointing, "What's that?"

One kid pipes up, "It's a grave. There are bones in there. If you moved all the rocks you'd find a skeleton."

"Why wouldn't they just bury him?"

The first kid replies, "Because, they didn't have shovels back then. Duh!"

Because, as we all know, Flagstaff in the 1880's was the Stone Age.

Today's links:

[fun] iowahawk.typepad.com/miss_hoosegow_2.html
[commemorative t-shirt available] theagitator.com/php#026808
[bike theft vid] videosift.com/story.php?id=5427
[spank city] guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,1823111,00.html
[blog] eyeofthestorm.blogs.com/did_you_know

Well, that's about it for tonight. Over and out.

Hey look, it's already Tuesday. Joy or joys. Lord of lords. Shoot me now.

Levi Leipheimer is to leave Gerolsteiner and ride for Discovery. Because what Discovery really needs right now is a guy who'll lose minutes in the time trail and get dropped on the mountain stages.

Maybe they'll sew up Ullrich as well. Then can change their name to Basso Killers.

Today's fine links:

[pics] kaistuhtvonneupauer.de/index.htm
[game] wagenschenke.ch/hangover.htm
[bikers down] cpo.com/news/2006/local/07/24/gerike.html
[landis] cyclingnews.com/...landis_post_tour2
[ullrich] cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2006/jul06/jul26news

It's nights' like this I realize I have exactly nothing funny to say. Call it "tired" call it "spend" call it what you will. The Donger needs sleep.

From: Base Camp 1 Subject: Kona's Ryan Trebon and Barry Wicks take US National Championship Kona's Ryan Trebon and Barry Wicks take US National Championship in XC and Short Track; Neal Kindree takes Canadian U23 XC National Title - Kona's Twin Towers Dominate to become New US National Champs; Kindree Pours it on for Canadian U23 Prize - Sonoma, CA/ Sun Peaks Resort, BC (July 16, 2006) - Ryan Trebon and Barry Wicks red, white and blue the field away at the NORBA USA National Championships last weekend, placing first and second in the Elite XC race (Trebon, Wicks) and first and third in the Short Track (Wicks, Trebon). The pair dominated the two events, working together in both races to land atop the podium. The same weekend, but north of the border, Kona's Neal Kindree opened it up from the gun to take the U23 title at the Canadian National Mountain Bike Championship. At the US event, in Friday's XC race, Trebon broke away from the pack on the very first climb and maintained a punishing pace to the finish. Wicks managed to save his legs for the finish, and crossed the line in second place as an ecstatic Trebon cheered him home. Two days later, in the Short Track, the roles were reversed when Trebon led out a charging Wicks who crushed the field in a final push, as Trebon hung on for third. "Ryan pegged it, led me out, and I attacked on the final climb. I was able to get about six bike lengths ahead of the lead group," Wicks said. "I had awesome legs, and Ryan had my back. Good stuff! Now we're chilling and checking out our stars and stripes." A few hundred miles north, Kindree, whose Kona jersey will now sport a maple leaf at future events, "found a way to love the hurt" and stepped onto the highest level of the U23 podium after leading the field from the race start. Congrats to Ryan, Barry and Neal. Red, white and blue, and red and white, look just as good on you guys as Kona orange! About the Kona Bicycle Company: The Kona Bicycle Company designs, manufacturers and distributes more than 60 models of purpose-built, high-performance mountain, road and urban bicycles. Founded in 1988 and headquartered in Ferndale, Washington, USA, Kona bicycles are distributed worldwide in more than 60 countries through independent specialty bicycle dealers. Kona funds several professional road, mountain and cyclo-cross racing teams that include World Cup Champions, World Champions and National Champions. konaworld.com

Those two are on fucking fire. God damn.

When it's good, it's really good. And when it's bad, well, it's really bad. Read on:

From: Corey the Courier Subject: Full Stop. Yesterday was the Build, Destroy, Rebuild bicycle festival. Tall bikes were the highlight of all the events. Foot down, bike polo, chariot racing, six-pack relay and jousting were the events. I went with my friend. She is new to the bicycle messenger scene and I was attempting to be smooth by impressing her with my bike skills. I entered the joust knowing no one could knock me down. I would sparkle in the eyes of my friend. During the first match I knocked over my competitor in one swoop. Him down, his mallet fell away. The semi finals against another opponent took several passes. Each time we collided both of us fell. I won by default. Whenever we fell I was able to keep my jousting stick up despite falling off of the bike. (The long pole with plush tip was kinda heavy). The finals came after bike polo. I faced the mighty Tommy. I entered the circle of death with intentions to put him down. We charged and both fell. We charged again, him dropping his mallet, me circling for another pass. We charged again, spectators re-arming him with his jousting stick. Neither of us intended to let the other win. We did this several more times. After circling for another pass, I charged full speed so as to level my opponent. After the collision I drifted right. I went into the crowd, Ten Foot Pole leading the way. I hit my friend in the mouth. Full. Fucking. Stop. Damn. Tommy and I continued to joust, circling a few more times, but for me the games were over. Victory had vaporized. Defending the honor of Lady Gueneviere, Sir Gallahad trampled the lady with his steed. Devastated. Feeling smaller than flea shit right now. Corey the Courier Philly Phorever

I can only think of one word for what I just saw: Landisimo!

I am in awe.

The best thing is we'll finally see an end to those fucking Texas flags all over the place. From now on, it's all about the Pennsylvania State Flag.

Great rides by Cunego and Kloden as well. Cunego is one to watch, he'll do big things. And Kloden may end up on another team next year as T-Mobile has apparently not signed the man for 2007. I'd say losing him would be a mistake. But, then again, mistakes is what T-Mobile is all about these days.

Some Tour links:
velonews.com/tour2006/details/articles/10536.0.html
cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2006/jul06/jul23news3
talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/009143.php

I missed the Taylor House Century ride today as wifey is out of town and I'm on full time baby duty. Not complaining, really, just kinda wish I had gotten out on the road bike again. I've done that event for the last three years.

Anyway, I wasn't there. I heard there was a crash caused by a homeless guy wandering out into the roadway. People may have been hurt. As you can see, my info is way limited at the moment.

Today's links:

[cool] en.red-dot.org/index.php?id=1835
[fucked] cnn.com/2006/LAW/07/19/phoenix.serial.ap/index.html
[blog] coalitionforanidiotfreeamerica.blogspot.com/
[blog] theserrach.typepad.com/mirada/2006/07/10_bucks_well_s.html
[blog] proteinwisdom.com/index.php?/weblog/entry/20716

I'm going to miss my mornings with Phil Ligget and Paul Sherwin. A brother could get used to those two.

Yeah, I think those two start in on the gin pretty early. Well, Ligget anyway. You can almost hear the ice clinking against the side of his glass when he stands and shouts about the "Cat amongst the pigeons!"

After tomorrow, there will be a giant void in my life.

From: Dirty Kate Subject: I almost forgot… I never really thought God punishes us for some of the petty "sins" like sex, as the Catholic Church claims. But since I'm sitting here with a backside full of poison oak from presumably the only plant that was in the garden of the nunnery down the street from me, I'm thinking God may not be vengeful, but have one biting sense of humor.

Oh, you stop. Nunnery? Nice work. See you in hell.

From: Chris Subject: you a playa Well reading mellonews I found your name in an article about beer and bikes. Something about you knowing who is doing whom in the peloton and what they drink. I think. Bottom line for me is that this means the peloton and many of the industry grunts in France are reading this shit. That means there is a good chance that Frankie and Al know I think they are fruits. Frankie, we know riders go "really fast" and it is Really hot and the fans are really crazy and the bikes are really light….; really we do. Al, Lance was last year. Here is a pint raised to Versus canning their asses next year. Phil and Paul are the bomb and when we see Phil every year in Vegas he gives us a good 20 min of time and talk. I know people who do not ride but watch the Tour and because of them they know more about the Peloton than most. Bob Roll is Bob Roll and I love the guy but bring back the burns. Memo to Floyd; Go get Vino right fucking now, have Phil and Paul tell the world when you are on the podium Sunday and fuck Discovery! I love George H but who in their right mind thought he was a GC contender? What because he won a stage he sucked wheel for 2 hours with GC guys hanging out with Lance not chasing? Nice way to develop Popovych Johan…. Long live long solo breakaways but give a guy like Pop a wheel once in a while

I heard plenty of seeming reasonable people talk up Gorgeous George all year. I couldn't believe it then and I can hardly believe it now. One stage win does not an overall contender make. He's better suited to the Classics then he ever was for the Tour. Sure, he lost weight and all that, but come on.

But, whatever. He got his fucking doors blown off when it came down to it.

Popovych is a man for the future. And that said, he'll be sure to end up on another team quick like. Maybe even QuickStep. Who knows? But I'd put dollars to donuts he won't be on Discovery this time next year. They have an annoying habit of losing talent, especially foreign talent, over there.

Or maybe they'll surprise the shit outta me and actually develop the guy. Anything is possible at this point.

Ullrich sacked by T-Mobile. Thousands of customers cancel cell phone plans in disgust.

I made up that last part.

My only hope is Bianchi signs him...

I got an email from a friend of mine calling me out for not updating this week and mentioning the Tour. Well, I did miss a day or two here at the drunkcyclist home office. Mostly because I've been downstairs watching the Tour instead of typing away up here like a good little webmaster.

It's been a hell of a Tour. We've had, what, seven, eight, seventeen lead changes? It's all over the place. Best I've seen in years.

I mean, seriously, I'm not that old, but I've been following this for a while now. We had, what, LeMond fight his battles on multiple fronts, Indurain run the show for five years straight, then Riis, Ullrich and Pantani provide the fireworks and seven years of Sir Armstrong's reign. And now we got this wide open, don't miss one stage, anything can and will happen Tour.

Man. This has been very, very good stuff.

And Floyd Landis's ride yesterday was the stuff of legend. Good looking out, way to take the race to 'em.

I can't wait for tomorrow's time trail. I haven't been this excited during the Tour in years. It's like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve when your seven.

[o'grady] velonews.com/news/fea/10513.0.html
[ullrich] velonews.com/news/fea/10501.0.html
[floyd] sports.aol.com/...landis-back-in-tour-hunt-after-stage-win
[tucson is crazy] tucsonweekly.com
[the big lebowski - the fucking short version] youtube.com

From: Big Tom Subject: Paul sherwin, phil ligget You gotta Love Paul And Phil Paul: Floyd Landis, From San Diego is eating this peloton like a prawn and cucumber sandwich. Phil: San Diego translated is of course "Whales Vagina" And he certainly has lived up to that title today. Paul: He is like a french chef climbing the support leg of the Golden Gate Bridge. Phil; Indeed, Indeed. Look a castle and a Monastery!!! What the Fuck are they talking about?

Sherwin and Ligget are the best color commentary guys in the business as far as I'm concerned. And, if the exchange above is any indication, they could just about handle any sporting event with gusto.

From: Brad Subject: jelly and potatoes OK, I can see shoving a potato up your ass. I mean, we've all had a vegetable or two up the shitter at one time or another, right? But, c'mon man, a fucking JAR of jelly? And why the fuck did it have to be grape? Grape is my favorite. It's gonna be a long time before I can seriously enjoy toast again. Thanks.

I aim to please.

Before I forget, I've uploaded a copy of the FBO Trail Program dates and info. They do good work out there on our trails, so if you're in the Flagstaff area, come on out and lend a hand.

The other morning my wife came downstairs, got herself a cup of coffee and sat next to me at the ass crack of dawn to watch the Tour stage. After a few minutes she says, "Whoa. Check out the guy with the mullet."

"That's Vladimir Karpets."

"Wait, his name is Carpet?"

"Yeah. Karpets with a K."

"His name is Vladimir Karpets? With that hair?", she said laughing, "Sometimes life is so great!"

Links:

[pork chop] youtube.com/watch?v=jUVrbWC7_2c
[blog] elviskennedy.com/page14/page14.html
[wacky] wannee.nl/hpv/abt/e-index.htm
[taint] myspace.com/_defekt
[the ride] southeasttexaslive.com

In Arizona news, the Tour of the White Mountains race is coming up on October 7th. Registration is open and this one fills up quick.

From: Epic Rides Subject: Tour of the White Mountains Epic Rides has just assumed responsibility for one of the most bad ass endurance events AZ has to offer (the Tour of the White Mountains)...they can find out more and register at epicrides.com/towm/towm.htm

If Leadville doesn't kill me, I'll give that one a shot.

From: Chris Subject: Der Kaiser I am appalled both as a criminal lawyer and as a cyclist at the treatment that Ulrich and Basso have received in the media, particularly by those of us who hold them in high esteem and, I might add, continue to do so. No human can endure, let alone succeed at the sport of professional cycling without a bag of tricks, lawful or otherwise. So says the cyclist. The lawyer says "Prove it". Show me the evidence and stop telling me about your suspicions. This case is a joke and would not survive a preliminary hearing in this country and may go no further there. How convenient for the organizers of Vuelta that the Tour was disgraced as it was when it was by the Spanish police. Ulrich and co would do well to read Lance Armstrong's War and engage the trolls who would ruin the lives and belittle the accomplishments of these great athletes. ni illigitimi ni carburrundum (sic) Don't let the bastards get you down.

It'll be interesting to see what actually comes of all this. As for the Tour, I think it's pretty lame to pull force teams to pull riders, especially their highly paid star riders, out of the event the day before it starts.

The Tour announces the team lineup far in advance. The Teams pay large salaries to obtain and nurture a stable of riders. There are preparatory events, training, all kinds of expenses that go on for months. And then the event organizers have the right to tell you which riders you can enter the day before?

I say no. You want me to exclude someone, you tell me when you invite the team. If I was running a team and I was told I either had to pull my star rider or the team wouldn't be allowed to race, I'd walk.

It's the cyclists that make the Tour, not the other way around.

That said, some of these guys are facing some heavy evidence. But you can't put the cart before the donkey and just start condemning people without due process. If one of my charges is found guilty in a court of law, and the sports governing bodies apply the appropriate penalties, fine. I can live with that.

But to look over some documents alleged to have belonged to a doctor who allegedly provided doping products, and then to guess what the code words meant, what the nicknames meant… That's horse shit.

I think some of those teams should have said; you want to tell me who I can bring to your event, the day before it starts, when we've already invested millions of dollars in riders salaries, equipment, travel, and the like, and now you're going to screw my chances of winning this event, you know what, forget it. We're leaving and we're not coming back.

Think of the implications. What happens next year? Some bozo in a team car gets pulled over with a bottle of who knows what and now the Tour organizers can just exclude any riders on the team they feel like? Think if this was something in this country, something like the Super Bowl. The day before kickoff and you're start running back and wide receiver are not welcome.

What are you going to do? There are the guy that got you here. These are the guys that win. Without them, you're chopped liver. You got nothing.

So what do you do? You let it happen to you this year, it can happen to anyone next year. And the year after that.

And, one last note, how would it feel to beat a team you really had no chance in hell against, save they were handicapped by the absence of the their star athletes? Deep down inside, you'd know. You'd know you won because of some bullshit and not because you were any better on the day.

The fans would know too. There would forever be an asterisk next to your names in the history books. Whether literally or figuratively, it would be there.

Happy Monday. Or something along those lines.

Hey, I rode a bunch this past weekend and now I'm tired. Go figure on that one, eh?

Shit. I went up Elden to the towers, down Sunset to Schultz Tank and then up Waterline Road. I went up into the Inner Basin to the road hits the fucking wilderness boundary. Then I went up the rest of Waterline to Abineau where the road hits another fucking wilderness boundary and sat down for a few minutes. Then I went home.

Ride time; six hours.

Ate lots of food. Took a nap. Woke up and my old man came through and bbq'd up a pork loin. Bring on the pork!

Looks like the "i believe tyler" website has gone the way of the dinosaurs.

As in, it's not here anymore.

Gone. Kaput. Adios. Like a distant memory.

Believe? I'll tell ya what to believe; there hasn't been a "clean" tour in years. Years I say. And this year is no exception.

On to the links:

[darfur] savedarfur.org/home
[nsa crap] secure.eff.org/site/Advocacy...
[bush pilot] video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3934788900154749704
[tucson off the hook] tucsonweekly.com
[complete fucking horrorshow] poetry.rotten.com/potatoes-n-jelly
[crouching jesus hidden devil] youtube.com

Ah shit, on to the email...

We got some bikers down, folks. Never a good thing to hear.

From: Nate Subject: Two cyclists killed in Cincinnati I guess for anyone outside of Cincinnati you sure as hell wouldn't think of this place as a hub of cycling activity but the reality is...there are a crap load of good riders in the greater Cincy area. That's unfortunately not why I am writing. What we have all feared in this area finally happened. Any rider around here has been harassed, spit on, had bottles thrown at them or buzzed by some gigantic a-hole hilljack that seems to inhabit the surrounding area of the city. Looks like one of the mindless fucks finally killed a cyclist, two to be exact. Sad story for sure, a mother of two children and a another fellow cyclist were killed by what appears to be a drunk driver during an early morning Sunday ride. Attached is the link to the story: news.enquirer.com I just wanted to send this out and tell everyone to be safe. Man there are some stupid, stupid fucking people that are wasting a lot of good air on this earth. Be safe brother and keep up the great work!

More on that awful story over at wcpo.com. As always, my condolences to their friends and family.

From: Bike_13 Subject: Jonny, What did I say, what did I say ….. ? Cadel looks and sounds confident. v Landis MUST be gay. That beard is a ball tickler. Onespeeders continue to watch this space. I’ll drop some details regarding the pissup known as the Australian Singlespeed Championships to be held on 28th and 29th October 2006 (yes, just a week after the Cycle Messenger World Championships 2006 – to be held in Sydney around 21st and 22nd October). New format, new racing, and a new location. It’s gonna be primo!

I'm looking for Evan and Menchov to do big things tomorrow. Big things.

How 'bout a joke?

From: zen cycle Subject: dark friday humor A man who just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle gray pinstripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing this attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I switched the heads."

Stop. My sides hurt.

More on Gorgeous George.

From: Dan the Man Subject: Thank God my Bookie didn't return my call Shit, I was gonna double down on Georgie Boy. Guess he's training for the Sinclair party now. Don't worry about the climbing thing, It's all I can do to climb out of the pool. I was up in Seattle last week doing recon for my relocation up to the land of moss. That place is either up or down. That was the first time in my life I've had to ride AROUND hills to get home. I was seriously debating calling a cab at one point.

Everybody was tapping Gorgeous for the win before this thing started, and I was having none of it. He just ain't gonna do it when the road tilts upward. Shit. He couldn't pull it off when it was him against the clock either. It's gonna take a fucking miracle to make him a Tour winner. And look at the rest of Discovery. Where they at? I'll tell you, they're no where.

Is this Ekimov's swan song?

The Gnome weights in:

From: gnome Subject: wtf? Yo man, what the fuck is up with -T--- Mobile? What the fuck is up with this whole Tour? Ventura is obviously on crack. -T--- Mobile guys seem to have lost each others phone numbers and Troutpig, he is just fucking killing it like T-Ball. Wiffffffff!!! Guy sucks. How long you think its been since that he touched a vagina? Somebody buy that guy a hooker. loosen him up. beat the fuck out of him the parking-lot with a pillow case of oranges or something. Jeezus. the other day I saw Honchar handing up bottles to the crew on the front. You suppose he even said "thanks"? Yea, Probably. Everyone in that peloton seems to not know what to do at this point. t-com with has 4 top ten GC riders and the let 9 minutes slip by? fuck it, now that they have no heavyweights in the bunch, they just look around at each other. It blows my theory of the radios fucking up the chance in it anyway. Even ol Roll is getting pissed, the dude said "this is unbelievable!!". It's refreshing to see some chaos in the ranks now that God Armstrong left the building. bla bla bla. manananan ought to be interesting.

Yo, Jens Voight is fucking crazy. I love that guy. Gimmie a team of Voight clones and I'll show you some fucking action. Full stop.

It was a nice today for Voight and Oscar Pereiro just rode himself into the yellow jersey after starting the day in compete anonymity, 46th place and some 29 minutes down. He is now yes 1:29 over Landis. Unreal. Just unreal.

Another damn good Tour stage. Kinda makes you wonder what tomorrow will bring. Here's hoping its more exciting racing.

Today's shitbag link assortment:

[cool] symbiotdesign.com/core
[fuckers] bikeportland.org/...radio-show-promotes-hatred-toward-cyclists
[race] epicrides.com/towm/towm.htm
[clinger] mcall.com/news/local/all-b1-5clingerjul14,0,3529794.story
[more bikes] news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/5180144.stm

From: Wade Subject: Snake in the hills Hey Big J, Oh yeah, well I have been slacking and eating for no good reason. So after a few days of tour watching (the first year I've been able to see it live and not on a week later on tape), I get froggy and decide to ride. I also notice a flat tire on the SS so I grab the fixie for a spin. Well all I can figure is that some bastard sneaked into my shop and re-geared the damn thing. I don't remember what gear it was, but it sure feels taller now. Hills--maybe later, on the bike with all that shimano crap on it. Beers--Wade a/k/a Capt. Wheelsucker

Same thing happened to my fixie. So I spun off the cog and steeped it down two teeth.

Variety is the spice of life, right?

More info on the Seattle cops with road rage incident:

From: Billy Bob Subject: Thought you might want some other cycling news to distract you from the Tour de FancyPants. Last month"s Seattle Critical Mass ride had a crappy end for two local riders. I had a first hand view as undercover King County Sheriffs dressed as thugs got out of their unmarked van and tackled Jace, unsuspecting 18 year old bike geek. When another rider, Zack, jumped in to pull the road raging thug off the first rider, they threw him to the ground as well, and had fun exfoliating him with the asphalt. After starting a fight with these guys, and plowing them into the ground, the undercovers started yelling that they were "Fucking Cops!" and to stop fighting. Nice bait and switch. Start a fight as civilians, and then finish a fight a law enforcement. Jace ended up with a cracked helmet, and Zach ended up being threatened with the felony charge of assaulting an officer, and a night in jail. Kinda reminded me of Joe's Boys back home. Today, Zach had his court hearing to find out if he was going to be charged, and the prosecutor is not going to charge him today, but he still has two weeks to press charges. Anyhow, here's a link to the thread on a Seattle BB for wheeled miscreants, point83: point83.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2221 Also, a link to a local article, though this story has blown up all over our local media. thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=40118 If anyone wants to help Jace and Zack's legal defense fund, go here: point83.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2226

How 'bout that Yaroslav Popovych? The kid was in fire today. You gotta love it when you cross the line alone.

Boonen won the bunch sprint for the lesser placings. At least he didn't muck it up again. I must say, that might have been the most excited I've been watching a Tour stage yet this year.

[landis] velonews.com/tour2006/news/articles/10280.0.html
[o'grady] velonews.com/news/fea/10178.0.html
[hamilton] velonews.com/news/fea/10201.0.html
[fun] tothepeople.com/this-wont-help-my-folks-sell-homestead
[blog] blacklane.blogspot.com/i-copied-this-from-another-site

From: Z Boy Subject: zabriskie make sure to check this shit out: davezabriskie.missingsaddle.com i'm completely laid out right now. strep throat, sinusitis, ear infection, and conjunctivitis. i'm pretty sure i could still drop your ass though.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck you.

Oh, and get better soon.

You bastard.

I can't wait till this fucking Leadville thing is over so I can get back to my real job: Drinking.

Links:

[harris] tpmmuckraker.com/archives/001116.php
[cool] mikeandthebike.com
[que?] tothepeople.com/2006/07/judge-of-year-award.html
[ouch] mstreetracing.blogspot.com
[fixed across america] bigfix2006.blogspot.com

More Tour related mail:

From: Chris D. Subject: tour hair Johan grows a mullet why? Because Horner and Levi have to leave their helmets on. How about Al Trouser Troutwig on that hippie euro rider with the long hair. "Do you think his hair slows him down in the time trial Bob?" Whatever, let it go baldy. Yea OK so I was watching that day in prime time waiting for Al or Bob to slip into the past tense and give away the winner. Props to them both they didn't Props to OLN for not bringing back Carmichael. Poor Poor Frankie A not only is his wife a snitch but dude still can't put together a noun and a verb. "errr uhhh…the finish is really really narrow it could be dangerous. That's why the riders have to be really really careful because it is so narrow" " These Time trial bikes are aerodynamic, that's why the riders go fast because the bikes are aero dynamic"? WHAT Dude just because your producer made you work on your intros and conclusions all winter doesn't mean that is all you say. Kinda like Wifey's trial statement " He was talking about drugs in the hospital (after his nut was removed and his scalp rolled back and they put these holes in his head) therefore he used drugs………………? I am calling it now like I did before big red and that dude my wife wants to do uhhhh Basso I think his name is, were named in the Balco suit or some shit. CADEL EVENS in yellow. Robbie Mc in Green! Levi can only try for the polka dots. So Tyler's name was in that list too? What is the excuse this time? My dog was dying and we loved him so we were looking for the best doc around to save him???? Yo Tyler dude you are looking at an all white jury my nigga. Life Time ban! Oh and a quick word to my Boulder Bros. Keep letting Him drop you it is all he has left. Oh and memo to the Versus crew next year. PBR stands for Pabst Blue Ribbon dick heads not Pro Ball Rubbing or what ever that white hick sport is! Get your shit together Jonny I have to ask you to sit through one Bull Riding show and check out the names of the bulls. What a bunch of racist shit that is Damn I ain't joking. Every stereotype in the book. Only one left to use is Collin Powell.

In case you thought my man was done with that one…

From: Chris D. Subject: one more thing Landis stop trying to look like Doc Holiday and shave the mug. And what kind of ass clown holds a press conference to tell all his competitors he is injured and has been all year even though he has had his best results ever the day after he is stamps his name as the race favorite? Dude it is not like you beat Cancer or some shit or ride with a broken collar bone. So like in case you don't win you have an excuse. Did you ever think that that is like saying "come search my room and the bus before the Alps, Le Monde Press" This Tour is like my balls. I go there when I have to, make the adjustment(s) and get out before anyone sees me. It is lame the only thing that might make it interesting is a Discovery power struggle in the mountains and some euro director sportif calling Landis a liar. Out

The only thing I can figure is the story was on it's way out already. Maybe some shitbag with a website (ie: a douche like me) got wind of it and was getting ready to spray it all over the tri-dub. So, Landis takes control of the situation and issues his own press on the subject. It's one way to control what gets said about it, at least initially.

Otherwise, I imagine he would have sat on it (no pun intended) till the Tour was over. Why come out and admit your not at you best? Kinda just chums up the water doesn't it?

But what the hell do I know? Landis looks to be firmly in control of this thing at the moment. Another American on the top podium spot in Paris? Could be.

It's always better on holiday…

I went out and rode for three and a half hours today. Did me five twelve minute "efforts" on Snow Bowl. Thought I was the man. Yeah right. Saw Snake while I was out there in the bush. I did five piss ant efforts, and he rode it top to bottom three times. Or, bottom to top. Or, whatever.

Kid's on the form of his life. I'm actually scared of him. A little. Ok, a lot.

He's started fucking with me when we ride, like where I'm totally out of breath and shit and he's riding next to me jawing away like it's no big thing. You know what I mean.

"Jonny, why don't you talk to me?"
"What's wrong?"
"Why are you breathing so hard?"

Bastard. I stuck my thumb in his ribs the other day and pushed him off the road and into the gravel in a vain attempt to shut him up. Didn't work. He just laughed at me. Then he caught back up 'cause I climb like a wounded animal.

Looks like Ullrich is going to get shit canned for this one:

Swiss doping official not surprised at Ullrich "To be honest, I have expected such a case with Ullrich," said Gerhard Walter, President of the Swiss Olympic Committee's doping section. In an interview with the Süddeutsche Zeitung, he says he was suspicious of the German rider's performance this spring - "from somewhere behind in 80th place to the sudden time trial win in the Giro." Ullrich stands to not only lose his license, but also to be banned for a long time. "We're talking about blood doping, that means two years." Walter apparently doesn't consider it a problem that there is no positive doping test or a confession. "We had the Balco scandal in the US, there was also no positive test there," he noted. "The reports out of Spain indicate a seemingly clear situation, therefore it's up to the athletes to exonerate themselves." If Ullrich, for example, doesn't make a DNA test, then I assume that the charges are true." He also seems to expect things to move quickly, saying, "I assume that we will rule on him soon."

Source: cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2006/jul06/jul12news3

Fucking Jan. Fucking Fuck. Fuck.

Links de dump:

[no shit] washingtontimes.com/national/20060710-104846-8594r.htm
[basso] procycling.com/news.aspx?ID=2281
[kerry] kerrylitka.com/diaryjuly8.html
[lay = jesus?] money.cnn.com/2006/07/12/news/newsmakers/lay...
[spooky] axisoflogic.com/artman/publish/article_22290.shtml
[in the cards] flicklives.blogspot.com/2006/07/felt-philosophy.html

Fuck it. Let's get to the mail. Humpday my ass.

From: Chris D. Subject: the tour sucks, long balls live Woke up early today for a reason. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Mountains? yea ok. Why are Phil and Bob not commenting on the Basque fans dropping pants and showing Arse like they used too? Some dude ran along side the breakaway of no names with full BA and a flag. That was awesome but I guess Phil was looking at a roster and results for these wanabe’s in the front so he could finish a sentence with out the word Lance in it. Damn this year the even edited out all the folic symbols drawn on the road. Fuck the FCC. I live for the exploding Penis and Vagina in the mountain stages Who is a bigger flop this year Levi or Bode Miller? At least Bode was listenable and quotable. Dude these chicken shits in the Peloton are so unsure of themselves they let career bottle carriers get 9 Minuets on them? What a bunch of fags. Eddie and Lance are just laughing Still bored I Turned on Sports Center about 7:30 west coast time to see your home boy go deep again and sure enough they had the Tour Results with highlights for the day. OLN showed it as you know about 8:20 West coast. Live my ass Le Blanc has his Frenchie wins now lets race bitches. Back to back Derby for Phili Fan. Word. Now dude will go 0 for 20 with a live ball after those 100 swings from the ankles. Nice reps Out

The only excitement I got out of this morning stage was watching Gonchar yo-yo off the back. That guy is one tough son of a bitch. I though it was a nice touch of class when he delivered water bottles to his teammates who were chasing up front for God knows what reason. They weren't going to keep the yellow jersey on Gonchar's shoulders, no matter how hard they pulled the group along.

Maybe they were trying to keep Kloden in contention? Yeah, and every other favorite still in the race just had to follow. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

From: gnome Subject: Boo Hoonen The guy is killing it.

Boo Hoonen killing it? Shit, he's killing me. What's up with that guy? His lead out sucks. Every time I see "porn hair" Pozzato winding it up at the front, I know it's all over. Pozzato looks like he's going hard, he makes a show of it, then three other trains swallow him and Boonen goes from third wheel to eleventh at 300 meters from the line.

At least they haven't crashed him out of a sprint yet. But, it's early, could still happen.

Hey, he's only the World Champion. Why make it easy on him?

Everyone is saying that tomorrow is the day. We'll see I guess.

I've got some new gear up in the DC Store for your consideration. Check out the buttons and bottle openers. I'm thinking ya'll are going to like 'em as much as I do.

Went for a short hour and a half spin today. On the way out to the lake, I crossed paths with Future and a girl I'll call "A". We were on opposite sides of the road so we waved and exchanged pleasantries. Which pretty much means we yelled at each other.

There's a lot of love in this room tonight…

You know how it goes. I piss around for a bit, decide I've had enough and point my sorry ass back toward the stable. As I ride back home I come up on Future and "A" sitting on a fence drinking 24 ounce cans of Coors Light. He's in a DC jersey, she in a Voodoo kit. Two clean cut all American kids.

I stop and we all chat for a bit. God damn if that kid ain't the fucking future around these parts. He's drinking beer on the side of the road enjoying the day. And he wins races. Smooth like butter, baby. Smooth like butter.

Today's assortment of stupid fucking links:

[nuts] noticeyournuts.com/main.html
[17] mosnews.com/news/2006/07/04/eatentongue.shtml
[the king] youtube.com/watch?v=mS08nRjcKA0
[vid] archive.org/stream/JonathanMcIntoshWorldBankBloodsuckers
[blog] fatcyclist.spaces.msn.com/PersonalSpace.aspx

So I wrote something about reeling in the gnome on the Saturday group ride...

From: gnome Subject: {Definitely Spam?} yo "Eventually reeling in the Gnome" and that's the last time I'll be turning around and waiting for ya fat boy... in the rain no less.

And to think that one was tagged as spam and I could have easily overlooked it. Seems I'm just reaffirming our "friendship" one day at a time.

That guy just kills me.

And, after he reads this, he just might kill me.

From: Corey the Courier Subject: I must break you After giving up most of my vices a couple weeks ago to prepare for the big races at the end of the summer, I began to train. I've lost beer weight, become more focused and productive during the daylight hours. Yesterday, I woke up ran to the gym, swam laps in the pool and ran back home. If I'm going to be the champion of the messenger world, I must spend every moment preparing for the victory: eating healthy foods, sleeping as much as I can and exercising. I went to the Rocky IV messenger race in the afternoon. The race was a tag team match where a Sprinter ran up the Art Museum steps, grabbed an envelope at the top, rode down the Ben Franklin Parkway to Love Park, handed off the package to the Runner who then delivered the package somewhere around town. After working out in the morning I expected to chill out with the other couriers, goof on all of the competitors and show off the new pimped out track wheels I hand-built. Nope. Bigfatfucking Jake needed a partner for the event. His "teammate" bailed on him at the last minute. I agreed to do it if he paid the entry fee. I sprinted to and from the Art Museum 10 times, carrying my bike up the steps each time. It appeared as if I was a bad ass because everyone else left their bikes at the bottom of the steps. I was more concerned about someone stealing my ride. Running and waiting, running and waiting, running and waiting. After the tenth hand off I waited at Love Park with the other sprinters. We were all nervously lined up at the entrance, waiting for our teammates to return so we could race off to the finish line. The tension in the air was electric as the impending thunderstorm. I heard Jake whistling from afar. I was happily relieved. I bid the other sprinters a fond farewell (Fuck you, I'm gonna win!) and rode off with Jake to the finish atop Lemon Hill. We won t-shirts, a u-lock, gift certificates for a custom bike paint job and the holy grail of prizes: a custom R.E.Load bag. After the rainy BBQ and award ceremony, the entire bike mob went to the Cinemagic theater on 39th & Walnut to see the premiere of Jonny Tomlin's Double Yellow Line, a documentary about Philly bike messengers. It was great to be in a theater full of friends cheering for all of my workday buddies on the big screen. It was even better seeing myself clowning on camera. A fine end to a great day. Corey the Courier Philly Phorever

God damn, July 10th already? I need more time. I'm not ready for Leadville yet. I'm going to die.

And it's in 32 days.

Links:

[biker down] sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?
[racey race] nsmb.com/videos/ckdjulyteaser.php
[dirt nap] bb.nsmb.com/showthread.php?t=81300
[vid] break.com/index/gnarlskid.html
[blog] blog.myspace.com/42094372

That and I'm just about turned inside out today. I guess this weekends self inflicted beatings (self flagellation?) took their toll.

Even thought links to LA Times never seem to work a day after I use them, I'm gonna run this one. I say "one" because it's the same story twice in different formats. The first is broken down in separate pages you'll have to scroll through, while the second is just the whole enchilada all at once.

Go figure.

I don't know how they run that dog and pony show website of theirs.

If the link tanks tomorrow, I'll archive it somehow.

From: MD Subject: article, huge LA LA too worked to eat Jonny ... huge article in the LA Times on Armstrong: latimes.com/sports/cycling/la-sp-armstrong 9jul09,0,5275381.story?coll=la-home-headlines latimes.com/sports/cycling/la-sp-armstrong 9jul09,0,7810733,full.story?coll=la-home-headlines

Ah, the rumors of Lancey Pants past indiscretions. Will I ever tire of hearing about them?

From: Rich Subject: Send two single speeders to the Trans Rockies for FREE! Big Jonny, Since your site has a definite single speed/alcohol friendly theme I figured I would send this announcement over to you. It would be great if you could post up something on your site about us to generate more votes. Josh the Wonderboy and I are officially in the running for Round 2 of the Race Face Ultimate XC Challenge. What does this mean? You can send two single speeders to the Trans Rockies all expenses paid just by voting for us starting Saturday July 8th!!!!!!! The voting lasts one week, but please don't wait. It will take less than five minutes to register to vote, watch the videos, and vote for "Bad Idea Racing". If you are a fellow blogger, please spread the word. If you are a normal human, please spread the word. We will be the first SINGLESPEED TEAM to ever enter the Trans Rockies. I guarantee that we will be entertaining (at the very least) on our way to the finish line. Please put the word out there anywhere you think it will help. If your dog has an email, get him online Saturday. If you don't have a dog, then please tell a friend. You can join the Race Face fan club here so you can vote after you view the videos: raceface.com/community/ufc/join.html You can view the Round 2 videos here when you are registered to vote: raceface.com/community/uxc/index.html Thanks for you help, Rich Dillen (Team Dicky) and Josh the Wonderboy WWW.TEAMDICKY.BLOG.COM

Ok, I'm out.

Did the local group ride this morning and encountered a little bit of that high country summertime rainfall. For about the last hour. And it came down in buckets.

It was a damn mess the whole way back from upper Lake Mary. Just ugly. We kept picking up more and more riders that had been shelled off the "fast" group up ahead. I think Snake was up there turning the screws. Actually, I knew he was. That's why I was back in the laughing group. Even though we weren't' exactly laughing. But you get the idea.

We got a nice little group together. Stared out as me and one other guy. Said he was from Florida. I thought about making a joke about the weather, but felt better not. Instead I told anyone who would listen that "misery loves company".

And it does, doesn't it?

Eventually reeling in the Gnome. Always a pleasant addition to any suffering.

Got home, showered, ate lots of food, felt shitty for about two hours then ate more food. And so it goes. At least Jimbo was hosed from his mountain bike ride. He just kept sliding lower and lower in his chair until he was damn near horizontal. And drooling on himself.

Tomorrow I'll ride up Waterline Road with Jimbo and see what's what. We're both signed up for Leadville 'cause we're both fucking completely stupid when it comes to things like that. We just never learn.

Today's links:

[word] stolenunderground.com
[i believe tyler?] cyclingnews.com
[no really, you do?] cafepress.com/believetyler
[scary] minutemanpirateradio.com/bonus/Poe19May06.wmv
[coulter plagiarized?] talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/008956.php
[julian dean's blog] juliandean.co.nz/diary.php
[tour day schmalz index] nyvelocity.com/content.php?id=847

Ok, time to make sure the mountain bike actually works. It would be nice to know that before tomorrow, eh?

What a night, what a ride. Went and did some hill efforts with Snake yesterday. I didn't set out to ride with the old boy, but he phoned me as I was heading towards another hill for repeats, and since I'm in love with him I joined him for a little party on Snow Bowl Road.

The plan (at least according to my “schedule”) was to do five twelve minute efforts with an equal amount of “recovery” in between sets. Sounds simple enough, right? Even an idiot could handle it.

Well, not this idiot. I start out well enough. Warm up ride on the way over with a few efforts to get the blood flowing and all that good stuff. Start into the hill proper. Twelve on, twelve off. Recovery my ass. This is more like twelve in intense pain and twelve of dear-god-why-do-I-do-this-shit?

You get the idea. Snake’s riding fucking circles around me. Turns out he’s already been up Snow Bowl today. Twice, as a matter of fact. That fucker. That absolute bastard.

I get to the top, all the way to the dirt parking lot of the upper lodge and I finish off my first bottle. Snake told me later that we had been riding for over two hours already. And I haven’t eaten a thing. You see where this is going.

I did something different today; I reset the counter on my heart rate monitor for each interval. Usually I just roll a cumulative time from the start of the ride. But not today, oh no, today I was a smart guy. I hit reset. A few times. Might as well of hit myself in the head with a fucking hammer for all the good it did me. I might as well have tied an anvil to my leg and gone swimming.

Apparently without the cumulative time counting by, I did not remember to eat and drink enough. Because I am in idiot, that’s why. Sure, a person could just scroll through the settings to the, what do they call it, the clock, and be able to tell you've been riding for x amount of time and if you don't eat something, you'll die.

Yeah, I’m an idiot.

Mankind has made it millions of years by eating when hungry. That storied linage stops with me. I’m the guy they’ll find in a snowdrift with his jacket and food tucked in his jersey pockets because the battery went out on his watch and he couldn’t decide if he was hungry or cold.

I am a single point of failure.

So there I am at the top of the climb. I hadnt eaten anything after three efforts and two plus hours of riding. I ate a cliff bar and heading back down for two more efforts.

Two more efforts my ass. The fourth one started out well enough, heart rate where it needed to be, etc. I was getting a little pokey and Snake rolled up on my saying something about by watts being down. I’ve got a fisher price “my first heart rate monitor” and he’s got Batman’s utility belt and MacGyver's bag of tricks on his handlebars. That SRM thing does just about everything one could imagine. It may even soft boil and egg for all I know.

[cool test] sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
[porn sunday] htint.iol.co.za/index.php...
[hitler cats] catsthatlooklikehitler.com
[red light cameras] highwayrobbery.net/redlightcamsticket
[dialect] hobotraveler.com/hoboslang.shtml

Oh, lookie. Email.

From: C. Allen Robertsdrunk Subject: I am having some summer problems. I respect you for all of your great advice, organization, sexual prowess, meaty hams, and most of all, your Munchichi hairline. That being said, I'd like to bring a problem of mine to the table. I know you're no Ann Landers, but perhaps you could help me out a little here. You see, in the Republic of North Carolina we have a little thing called "Humidity". It is making my balls stick to my leg. The right one, which in turn causes me to be irritable. When someone asks, "Hey, how ARE you?" I am likely to respond, "Fuck bro, my balls are stuck to my leg again, just like the last time I saw you." I have tried boxers. They end up riding up over the max circumference part of my thigh and feeling like an unyielding Randall Savage with I as the Slim Jim. The briefs, they are less than awesome due to the nature of wet knit cotton wanting to wrestle with my ass hair. And as for "Commando", well the goddamn unremovable plastic label on the inside of a set of Dickies sticks to either my ass or thigh, depending on the vintage. Before you pounce on the notion of me switching my brand of pant, let me say this: There is no other pair of pant available that for $17.84 is both a sturdy work pant all winter and a handsome short come summer. I want to eat my cake. I am stuck between a thigh and a ball place here, Jonny. Do you have any advice? Is there some degree of worldly wisdom that you or any of your ball-toting brethren (Sorry sisters, not your "bag") could impart? Any advice would be greatly appreciated since we've just crested the Solstice and have several moon cycles of this yet to come. Right on. I hope this finds you well, with top-notch diaper swapping skills at hand. Warmest Regards, C. Allen Robertsdrunk

I live where it's dry for a reason.

From: response Subject: summer Summer brings fun and fair weather cyclists. Whatcha doing, having a garage sale? Dopey grin….. I set down my hub wrench and take a sip of coffee from my greasy finger stained cup and say to my neighbor, “No, just working on MY bikes”. These are all yours? Yep. Wow, I have a cool old tandem; can you fix it for me? Probably not, I say while quickly contemplating faking a seizure. Well, I will bring it by and you can take a look Fuck, I sip my coffee and see that I have too much stuff strewn about to make a hasty retreat into the garage. A half an hour later, I hear a squeaking rasping noise getting closer and closer. I look over my shoulder and see a 70’s Schwinn ladies/ladies tandem, 27” rims, the sidewalls on tires look they are made of dried old snot, specks of yellow and blue paint peek out of the chipped 50 layer black spray paint. Every part on it that could match doesn’t. A trail of spider webs and vines dragging are behind it. I think you should throw it out and start over, I say while grimacing. Can you help me fix it? Suddenly I had a flash back, 20 years ago, Pistol Pete mad as hell chasing me out of his garage while waving a set of cruiser bars at me. “FUCKING JOE, YOU’D LOOK SPIFFY WITH THESE HANDLE BARS STUFFED UP YOUR ASS!” I looked at my neighbor and said “Gimme $200.00 and I can make it roll real nice”. My neighbor laughed, "For $200 I could get a new bike!" I picked up a set of handle bars…..

Our boy Response, still fighting that assault charge.

From: Big Pun Subject: RE: Thought you might be proud Been drinkin' a bunch of the vodka/sprites lately. Don't know why, Aaron and I drank them in Europe based on extensive cost benefit analysis and decided that vodka has the best bang for the buck and could be snuck into sports stadiums easily. Maybe I need another foreign vacation. Fuck it, who doesn't. Anyhooters, like I said, I've been drinking a few of them lately and what do ya know, we ran out of vodka around nine or so last night. Me being the kind of guy I am, decide that I will lead the charge against sobriety's counter attack and go to get more booze. The Gnome, being the kind of gnome that he is, says he wants to come along for some of his own shopping. Unfortunately, he is the middle of drinking a beer. Rather than wait for him to finish, I figured that since I was two drinks in already, why not just go balls out and add open container to a potential ticket. Gnome brings beer along and balances it on the center console by the gear shift since there are tools in the cup holders. Night progresses as planned, I get vodka, get drunk, get sleep. 6:30 in the morning rolls around pretty fucking quick and my cell phone starts ringing. I have a thing that I have to get to ASAP at work. I get ready for work in a hurry, jump in the truck and haul ass. I am making the final turn into the parking lot that I park in, I can see the contractor and fucking OSHA people waiting for me. All of the sudden, wet back of my leg. I look down for that which is obviously the first time, and see a Negro Modelo pouring out onto the drivers seat. Fucking Gnome. No time to turn around, they see me and I'm too late to make excuses. I had to go to a meeting with safety and health Inspectors on various roof tops with the entire back of my right pant leg soaked in beer. I suppose that they get people who smell like booze all of the time, maybe not guys in ties who reek of booze, but booze all the same. I am curious however to know how many times any of them have had to climb up a ladder after a guy who looks like he just pissed his pants with a dick that reaches to the back of his thigh. Don't know whether that's good or bad but fuck it anyway, its over. What a fucking day. Hope yours are both better.

And the Giro revisited:

From: Mike Subject: Simoni wins! So, the GC for the Giro was this: Final General classification 1 Ivan Basso (Ita) Team CSC   91.33.36 (38.54 km/h) 2 José E. Gutierrez Cataluna (Spa) Phonak Hearing Systems  9.18 3 Gilberto Simoni (Ita) Saunier Duval-Prodir  11.59 4 Damiano Cunego (Ita) Lampre-Fondital  18.16 5 Paolo Savoldelli (Ita) Discovery Channel Pro Cycling Team  19.22 6 Sandy Casar (Fra) Française des Jeux  23.53 7 Juan Manuel Garate (Spa) Quick Step-Innergetic  24.26 8 Franco Pellizotti (Ita) Liquigas  25.57 9 Victor Hugo Pena Grisales (Col) Phonak Hearing Systems  26.27 10 Francisco J. Vila Errandonea (Spa) Lampre-Fondital  27.34 And with revelations like this: In one significant development in the scandal which saw Ivan Basso and Jan Ullrich kicked out of the Tour de France last Friday, La Gazzetta dello Sport has shed further light on Basso's alleged links with Eufemiano Fuentes. According to the Italian newspaper, a flurry of telephone calls between Fuentes and Comunitat Valenciana directeur sportif José Ignacio Labarta during the recent Giro d'Italia appear to contradict Basso's claim that he is not among the Spanish doctor's clients. In one conversation between Fuentes and Labarta, taped on the evening of May 14 - just hours after Basso's stage victory on the Passo Lanciano - Fuentes adopts a mischievous tone to tell his friend that "A strange rider won: Basso, Ivan Basso." Labarta replies knowingly: "A certain Ivan Basso". According to La Gazzetta, Labarta later seems to be complementing Fuentes as he observes that Basso and another alleged client, José Enrique Gutierrez, occupy first and second place on general classification. Labarta: "Good, my boy, a certain Basso and a certain Guti are first and second." Fuentes: "My goodness". And, finally, Labarta: "You have first and second". La Gazzetta quotes further telephone transcripts from the Giro in which investigators believe Basso is identified by the codename Birillo (also the name of the CSC rider's dog). The same presumed pseudonym appears on another handwritten note taken from Fuentes and referring to testosterone patches, blood plasma, the female hormone treatment gonadotropine, and also the code for a Swiss bank account. Basso has denied any contact with Fuentes and the use of banned substances. from here: procycling.com/news.aspx?ID=2242 Simoni Wins!!!!!! Even after his little temper tantrum that Basso is riding like an extraterrestrial ... Oh wait .. Basso WAS riding like an extraterrestrial ...

Friend of DC, David McCann takes the Irish National Title for the third time. He is a card carrying bad ass.

Where does the time go? I get back from "vacation" and now I'm balls to the wall trying to catch back up. Man, it almost makes the vacation not worth the return effort.

Almost.

You ever wish you had somethign to say? I do. Just about every damn day.

Link dump:

[dui] tripleplate.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2598
[police road rage?] seattlepi.nwsource.com/...criticalmass04.html
[blender + bike = fun] makezine.com/blog/archive/2006/06/bicycle_blenders
[wee little pigges] capedmaskedandarmed.com/video/piggies.mov
[buffet] thedefeatists.typepad.com/apoplectic/2006/06/give_it_all_away

Whatever. I'm going riding.

Happy Fourth of July everyone. I hope you're out doing something fun today. Like blowing off all your fingers with homemade fireworks.

I caught our local small town parade this morning after my two hour ride. I was up at the ass crack of dawn as we're mostly still on east coast time around here. I even called Snake while I was out on the bike to let him know that while he's home in bed, Charlie's out in the bush getting stronger.

Now I'm going to get into some bbq. I got pork, steak, chicken and a few hotdogs for the younger's that don't know no better. Oh, they will someday. But for now I can still buy them off with a hotdog. They think it's the greatest thing in the entire world, hands down.

Today's links:

[fucked] velonews.com/race/int/articles/10231.0.html
[bush flip flop?] nytimes.com/2006/07/05/...
[hit and run] msnbc.msn.com/id/13510957
[bush the survivalist and more] guardian.co.uk
[no love lost] news.yahoo.com/...cyclingfrausalemond
[you're joking?] responsesource.com/releases/rel_display.php?relid=26040

If I had more time/motivation I'd try and write more. As it stands I've got a grill full of meat, guests, and a horseshoe match to go dominate. (kidding: I'm horrible at shoes)

And I'm out.

The upside is the Coconino National Forest is now open.

The downside is the Tour is still a train wreck.

More Tour links:

[riis] eurosport.com/cycling/tour-de-france/2006/sport_sto917238.shtml
[ullrich] velonews.com/tour2006/details/articles/10185.0.html
[vino] velonews.com/tour2006/details/articles/10186.0.html
[o'grady] velonews.com/news/fea/10178.0.html
[shit list] cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2006/jul06/jul02news2

More Tour mail:

From: Overman Subject: no subject Jonny, One week ago Jan was getting 5/2 in Vegas. Two days ago I purchased a new T Mobile jersey. This morning because of Jan my son learned some new words. Was it too much to ask that he get just one more? For years racers have pretended they weren't doping, and we pretended not to know. Why did they have to drop the hammer today? I have a two word solution to the problem - open class. In body building there is the "natural" class and then there is everyone else. They don't come right out and say "these guys are on steroids" but you would have to be incredibly naive to think otherwise. In the "natural" competitions there seems to be a genuine ethical standard that you would have to be a huge dick to do drugs and compete. In cycling open class it would be like the "All Drug Olympics" skit on Saturday Night Live, and all records would be shattered. In "natural" class one positive test and you are banned for life - bumped to open class. I guess the only thing left in July is RAGBRAI.

And to think I'm missing Ragbrai again. At this point I've missed it more than I've made it.

That's never a good thing, is it?

From: sanford Subject: T-Mobile etc Juan, don't write off T-Mob so soon, everyone that's left on that squad is capable of a top 10 finish with Kloden a possible podium finisher. That team is stacked. And to be honest the only contenders missing are Ullrich and Basso. Landis, Popovych and Evans were going to give those two a run for their money.Also, Hincapie isn't even the the second best Discovery rider, Azevedo will place higher.

Kloden could pull it out, that's for sure. But the morale of that team must be in shambles.

Either that or they're all really fucking pissed off right about now.

Could be, could be. I guess we'll have a wide open race one way of the other...

From: paul Subject: other athletes Now we know who the 'doping' cyclists are, what about the other 100+ athletes on the list? When are those names going to be named, or are the world cup and wimbledon just not important enough? Perhaps it's just easier to kick cycling again, since we've had so much incidents in the past already and it's conveniently on the ground.

A good point. The rumors are this is going to take down a lot of people. I guess cycling just got a big lump first.

From: Dan the Man Subject: shit Hey man, thanks for the double dose of porn to make up for this fucked up shit. My bookie won't even answer his phone, it just goes straight to voicemail. I need to get back to training for Interdyke.

No shit.

From: John Subject: "Ivan must prove with his lawyer that he is innocent" As opposed to proving with his legs that he is the best. Fuck me to tears. Maybe a French guy can win now.

Lawyers, guns and money fix everything.

From: Gentleman Jonny Subject: Some good news I'm drunk. (want some more good news?...ok.) Dave Z is gonna go star wars on the TT, and Floyd, well all I gotta say is...Who Wants a Mustache Ride? Go yanks!

Word.

From: Skibby Subject: Al Troutpig Jonny, Sensible people like us see how everybody 'god' beat the past 7 years and have been implicated in doping and know that 'god' had to be doping as well. Then morons like Al Troutpig make the assumption that 'god' was so good all of his contenders had to dope to try and keep up with him! Fucking amazing, I almost hope OLN pulls cycling, just to get rid of Al Troutpig... Skibby skibbysez.blogspot.com

That just is just about unbearable, ain't he?