I've been a very busy boy. It's all about Live'n wrong, baby. Anyway, leaving again tonight for Durango. It's going to be a big fun Iron Horse kind of weekend. Check out blogdex.net.

Man, I'm beat up today. Sitting on a plane will do that to a brother. I could really use some totally nude yoga.

Next time you want to ask a girl out, just run it like this: "Hey baby, you busy on June 11th?"

Trust me.

From: Runky Girl Subject: Typical Porn Jewelry Johnny, Yet another bit of support for the big rider. zoomfree.com/easton/bangmywife/alex/zoom1.html

And fuck a Lincoln. Straight up.

And fuck Wal-Mart too.

From: Bill Subject: Wal-Mart is damaging out country The Bleeding of America There was a great article about the dark side of Wal-Mart in Playboy about a year ago. Basically the article stated that, nothing good comes out of Wal-Mart. They are destroying the economy by driving the prices down. Then they go back to there manufacturers and make them lower there prices. In turn forcing these manufacturing companies to search abroad to have there product produced at a lower cost. At that time they get rid of all production here in the states. Laying off all workers. Those employees that were once making a Decent wage are now forced to go work where? At Wal-Mart. Where they pay shit wages, don’t allow there employees to work full time so Wal-Mart does not Have to pay benefits. They request employees to work off of the clock to “give back to the company” on a consistent basis. Therefore the employees cannot afford to shop anywhere else other than.... You guessed it, WAL-MART. They also force there competition to lower there prices or go out of business. Like they have done to every mom and pop store around the country. Remember when Sam Walton was alive Wal-Mart was a little mom and pop store. I guess they forgot where they came from. And the Irony is that there corporate offices are at the gateway of the bible belt. Sound familiar. Satan on the door step of heaven. They have destroyed the economy there in Bentonville. They will soon be there own competition and cannibalize themselves. I will be there to cheer when that day comes. They are a ghetto store and they create a ghetto environment around them. So, every time you see a commercial from Wal-Mart that speaks of lowering prices. Remember that is also a commercial about lowering wages. Just because it is a good deal.... Does not mean that it is a good deal.... I don’t stand for much... Hell, I read this web site.... But, I WILL NOT SHOP, OR ALLOW MY WIFE TO SHOP AT “THAT STORE”

The saga continues…

From: Fitty Subject: reply to the pun hey man, that was some funny shit. i think that the punisher just spit his breakfast all over our house while he was reading that. jake, it sounds like you need a hug...

It he doesn't need a hug yet, he's about to.

From: Big Pun Subject: Pun's Rebuttal Ah Snake, You poor senseless bastard. Calling down the thunder of the Big Pun? You're like a poor innocent 17 year old virgin asking me if it will hurt for the first time. I wish that I could take you seriously, I really do, but I think that your anger is misdirected. As I'm sure that you have seen, Big Tex has been on the ol' television lately. (Believe you me; I was just as surprised as the next guy that it wasn't even on a reality show involving drunken midgets and a giant pool of KY jelly.) But, back to the subject of your misguided anger. I now have a theory, a theory conceived after many many drinks at the bar mind you, that your anger is a result of jealousy. You are simply jealous of Tex's success on TV with Chris Carmichael on OLN. You see my naive friend, Tex is now the poster child for Carmichael. Snake, you couldn't even land a job as the fucking poster child for Jerry's kids on the Memorial Day telethon for fuck's sake. Tex is out there getting poked and prodded on national television as an example of what a finely tuned athlete looks like. You couldn't get poked and prodded even if you were lying in bed in your favorite kit next to Michael Jackson. You bring my sister into this shit. You had better watch your back my friend. My sister will kick you ass faster than your mom takes off the strap-on after a long day down at the docks. I wasn't fucking kidding about the family being big boned. If you were to ever meet my sister in a dark alley your screams would wake more of the neighbors than my last rendezvous with the screamer from Tucson who ruined an entire night's sleep for most of west Flagstaff. You know what the worst part is Snake, besides that hairstyle of yours that looks like a bikini wax gone horribly wrong? It's your cocky ass attitude. What the fuck is "secret training". Is that what happens when you are too ashamed to drink wine coolers and Zima in front of other people? "Secret Training" is probably the same thing you did as a kid to see just how many Otter Pops you could shove up your ass before you lost feeing in your nipples. I call bullshit on this secretive nonsense. Why don't you get out there and drink like a fucking man with Hoyt and write Jon with some tales of actual real life drinking instead of going home early so that you can stroke it while watching the Lance Chronicles on Tevo. So anyhoo, I grow weary of responding to your drivel. In short, you bore me, and I am tired of talking to you. Well that and I'm starting to sober up. You know, that thing that happens after you go out and drink at a bar with real people instead of sulking in a recliner wishing for the day when you can eventually get the surgery that will close up the gaping vagina that you have been growing since you moved out of flagstaff? So to you my friend, I bid you Adeu. Adeu, Adoo, Ido. I do love beer. I do love beer a lot. Hookers and Handjobs for all of my men. Biggus Punnus, Out.

Let's wrap this one up with a joke.

From: CB Subject: picture on the nightstand After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ears. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no!!!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. 'That's me before the surgery.'

Have a good Memorial Day.

Monday, May 23, 2005

gabriella   I   midwest mandy   I   jana   I   giro

How is it this blog is arguably better than all the Star Wars movies combined? The guy can write. Ladies and Gentlemen: cheeseburgerbrown

Monday found me about as blown out as I could possibly get. I spent the weekend putting in time at the local races. And, no, I wasn't competing. I was working.

Well, volunteering actually. Working carries the suggestion of compensation. You know, money.

First up was the final MBAA race. Right here in Flagstaff. I worked the parking lot for 5 ½ hours. Got a little sunburned and made a bunch of new friends enemies out there. I even threw things with the Gnome.

I'd tell you who won what. But I have no idea who won what.

Funny how that works sometimes.

I will tell you this much, most people found my request to park down the street and ride to the start/finish to be a completely unacceptable request. Even though the parking lot was full. Didn't matter. Didn't make shit difference. I would tell people the lot was full, ask them to drive to the overflow parking area, only to watch them drive 30 feet down the road, around the entrance to the parking lot, across the grass and park in the trees.

I would ask a guy to move his car because the Forest Service was not going to tolerate cars on the side of the road. He'd give me some shit story about how his girlfriend is about to start her race and he wants to be there for her. Oh yeah, I'll move no problem.

So he comes back and bullshits the Gnome about staying. Kinda like when Mom said no, you went and asked Dad. Fucker. What a pussy. He's got a bike on top of his truck, but he can't ride down the street. He's got to park where the Forest Service representative doesn't want to see any cars.

And of course the Forest Service guy showed up. And of course people are pussies and can't fucking park down the street a little bit. Jesus. It sucked.

Did that from 6:30 till noon. Went home, showered, stared at the ceiling as I lay flat on my back on the living room floor. Got the fixie out of the garage and wheeled on over to campus at 3:00. Got to work marking off the time trail course with cones and signs. Hay bales set up on the scary stuff.

Got my orange vest and flag and station number. South campus. Right by the Axer Auction.

I'm supposed to be stopping the traffic turning left into the parking lot for the Axer event. The riders are coming from the opposite direction. They mix like oil and water.

I had three different old guys completely ignore me standing halfway into their lane with an orange traffic control flag held out parallel to the ground. At less than shoulder height, just like they showed me in the orientation video.

Didn't matter. Bastards would drive right at me. And, right in front of cyclists.

Thank God none of them got close enough to a participant that it effected the race. Too close for my tastes, but not enough to fuck up someone's event. Regardless, it pissed me off real good and I walked over to the event after the last rider passed through. Yeah, I had a couple of guys I wanted to talk to.

But, no $25 ticket and they wouldn't let me through the door.

Probably a good thing, as I undoubtedly would have said and/or done something completely stupid and regrettable.

From: Snake Subject: Reply to the Pun Dear Big Pun, As I may not have a MBA such as yourself, you might not be able to understand my terminology or rhetoric if you will. However I do have a MPC (Master of the Pain Cave) so as you have so eloquently stated in your previous email to Big Jonny about my lack of drinking ability, please allow me the honor or privilege if you will, to retort to your child like babble. Well Big Punnis the IV, you have called down the thunder, well you now you got it. The first of many problems that I see in your thoughtlessness dribble of a email is that I didn't know that you had called me out on the site because I got a mouth full of your moms box and her thighs are covering my ears so she had to tap me on the shoulder to stop her from chipping a tooth and tell me that her son was slandering me on the website. The second of many problems that I also see now is that you have know idea what your even talking about. I have been doing some as we say thing business some secret training. As to a few of those who showed up at the Big Tex bachelor party this last week is that I am indeed in great drinking shape and am able to not only hold my own against the any drinker, yet take on a full shit bag diaper such as yourself. I do remember the day that we had met. A fine day indeed at one of the local establishments there in Flagstaff. It happened to be a sunny day in August. I think you remember. I introduced you to one of the finest drinks known to man. I was appalled that such a "Connoisseur" of the drinking world and a self proclaimed metric shit ton (that was for Fifty)of poppy cock such as yourself had never even hear of such a drink. How can you proclaim yourself the Big Pun when you have never ever had such a fine beverage. Yet I do remember that you shuddered at the thought of such a drink. Yet you did become a man that night when I finally coerced you into trying it and you loved it. From then on you couldn't get enough of it. (For the readers of this I must put things into perspective. When the Big Pun and I were first introduced I think that Big Pun would have tipped the scales in about 260 or so. But now as from the last time I saw him he is a paltry 200 at the most. For some reason Big Pun has been losing weight like he is some sort of climber on the bicycle. So from what I suspect Big Pun couldn't drink his way out of a wet paper bag right now. His seabiscut-jockey-all-lettuce diet is not going to cut it when I come to town for a ride or a drinking spell.) The third of many problems with your limp writsted attack on myself. How can you seriously be called the Big Pun the IV. You have changed, you should now be called Great Sex oh wait that was your sister the last time she came into town, you should be called Sleeping Beauty because when you drink two small 8oz beers you go home and pass out with your knickers down around your ankles and your pink skirt pulled up around your chest, just like your mom. The only thing difference between you and your mom is that your mom had a harpoon sticking out of her back and Capitan Ahab was screaming about a great white whale and to get the sails to half mast and drop the anchor to port side just before I did her. Just like I'm going to do you. So Sleeping Beauty you have fired a shot across my bow, I have now broke you down like a shotgun and left you in pile of whimpering, crying, teary eyed teenager who just lost her virginity to a highschool football team. So for the next time you slander me on the WWW. Don't bring that week ass shit up into this humpty dumpty. This isn't my first time at this rodeo. xoxox Snake and yes, I am fucking crazy, and I will fucking kill you.

That is one long paragraph...

So, ok, there I was on Sunday. Driving the Big Gray Whale as the Cat I II Pro wheel support vehicle. Drive slow and have fucktards pulling boats and fifth wheels almost kill you all day. I did see some good racing though.

Precious, local boy wonder, dnf'd after his handlebars "broke" in the parking lot. Don't ask, I have no idea. But I do have firm evidence from multiple sources that his bars are indeed in two pieces.

Benson, local boy wonder numba two, dnf'd fifteen miles into the event. Don't ask. He was up in the passenger seat of One Eye'd Cross's car quicker than you can say "Charley Jams seez bull shit."

Fitty somehow ended up flying through the air in the days big wreck. His bike went sailing and I thought he was dead. He got out of that one with a few cuts and bruises. Lucky guy.

Diamond Dave Reid also hit the deck in the same crash. He broke his pelvis, then spend the night in the hospital. I believe he was discharged today and headed back down to Phoenix. Dave, if'n ya read this, you are one tough bastard. I hope that recovery goes well. I wouldn't wish that injury on anyone.

Diamond Dave has been there before. Two, maybe three, years ago he broke his hip at TBC. It may have been even longer, I honestly can't remember. He's a hockey player, he'll be back.

That's about it I guess. The races went well, big shout outs to the MBAA for pulling the series together. And to the fine folks at Flag Velo for the Summit Center Classic. Good work everyone.

Tonight's lead story: Ann "Adam's Apple" Coulter outed by Strap-on Veterans for Truth.

You just knew it was going to happen sooner or later, didn't you?

Shit. Check out this new mexico race series calendar webpage thingy. Loads of good stuff happening out that way. If I wasn't such a lazy fuck, I'd check out more of it. I mean, it's right next door for fucks sake.

I got home last night after a little road action with my man Brinky and just chilled. I didn't even turn on the computer. For a net junkie such as myself, that is a pretty big move. Kinda like the first rung of a 12 step program for addicts. Shit. I'm a mess.

So, no update last night. Snake, cool your jets. I'll get to it tonight. Friday night and I'm sitting at home with my dog. At least I have beer. Good old beer.

And speaking of Snake…

From: Big Pun Subject: Hoyt's Ranting All right, that is officially and categorically it. I'm tired of Hoyt talking about the Snake like he's something fucking special. Don't get me wrong, I like "The Snake" as he were, and he were. Shit I share a birthday with the dirty tramp; however, all this talk about him being fast on a bike. Fuck right the hell on off this here continent that I call reality. I take that back. It's not that I don't know how fast The Snake is on a bike, the son of a bitch pulled some pseudo-homosexual rubbing his front tire on my shoe shit one day and I respect him for his ability to both find and withstand the pain cave. But fucking 'A' Jon, he drinks like my 12 year old sister. Granted, he weighs less than my 12 year old sister (we're big boned you know), but that doesn't mean that he's not a bitch who drinks like a bulimic marmot. Anyway, I've got a race to run. Just wanted to tell Hoyt to tone down the Snake praise. A guy like snake needs balance. You pump him up like a blonde blow-up doll with the extra small holes and I'll tell him he's a bitch who should be ashamed to even raise a 40 in my direction. i hate to do it, but that's just the way things have to be. Anyhooters, hookers and hand jobs for all my men -Biggus Punnis IV

It looks like I'll be handling parking duties at the MBAA race tomorrow morning as well as traffic control at the time trail leg of the Summit Center Classic in the afternoon. Then I'll round it all out with driving the big gray whale as the Cat I & II wheel support on Sunday.

That's what you get when you're friends are working to put races together. That's right, you get the call.

The call.

"Hey man, I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't really need you. I need bodies. Can you help out?"

And what can you say? Point out the "club" had 120 members? Point out you are not a member of the club? Point out most of the club thinks you're a dirty liberal porn head?

Nah. Just remember you were there last year as well. And you'll probably be there next year. Just because it's the right thing to do. Support local racing. Do your part.

I wish I had a video tape, even an audio recording, of the traffic control meeting I just had to sit through tonight. You'd think a trained monkey could operate a stop sign, but no, it apparently requires a degree in nuclear physics.

Good think I've got one of those. The trained monkey I mean. He's right her in my pants…

Hey, check out this Russian soccer action. Looks like someone had a good old time out at the match.

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The Giro has been one hell of a race. I'm glad to see the Pro-Tour seems to be working out nicely. One thing that has come up a few times via email is the thought that the Giro is much harder this year as all the worlds biggest teams are there. Well, that my be so, but the Giro has always meant more than the Tour to a whole lot of Italian teams. And I don't think this year is any different.

It's all about the national tour in your own country. Same with the Vuelta. What it has lacked in international depth, it more than made up for with home grown fury. To the Spanish, it was everything.

I think I need more beer. No, strike that. I know I need more beer.

Good thing I bought the twelve pack.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

barby   I   lesbians rule   I   jesse   I   giro

Proposition 100 was shot down here in Flagstaff yesterday. The 280 million Wal-Mart spent locally on such newspaper advertisements such as a bunch of Nazi's burning books with "Freedom is worth Protecting" across the bottom of the page made the difference. Another favorite of the drunk cyclist was the cute blond girl looking pleadingly out from the page, like she really likes it when Mommy shops at Wal-Mart.

What the fuck does a Super Wal-Mart have to do with freedom?

The favorite blanket response buzzword of President Bush has been dumbed down so far, it is now being used to defend the rights of a gigantic corporation. Build big, assholes. I'm sure the sheep will come in droves. Anything to save .35 cents on a fucking gallon of milk.

One of my favorite lines to come out of this whole thing is: "Buffalo Wild Wings, a Wal-Mart neighbor on South Woodlands Boulevard, cheered the decision, saying a new and bigger box store would give it a potential anchor for a branch restaurant across town."

Yeah, until Wal-Mart pulls out and leaves a vacant store like they've done so many times, all over the country, when they build a SuperCenter in the same town. They shut down the existing store, and then keep competitors out of the big empty building.

Well see how Mr. Buffalo Wild Wings feels when his strip mall turns into a graveyard. Anchor my ass.

Wal-Mart is no damn good.

Anyone need some fenders? Cody's got the magic.

From: Cody Subject: More fenders...hey can I dance wit' yo dates Hey Jonny check this shit out, these have to be the coolest yet of the fenders that are coming out of my shop. The photos don't do the fenders justice because they are just way too fuck'n cool. cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=56197&item=7157676125&rd=1 Yea baby take that cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=7157682618&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT and this cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=7295&item=7156380141&rd=1 oh yea you know you want it so take this cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=7295&item=7156377180&rd=1 and suck on this cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=7295&item=7156378576&rd=1

I got myself a pair of those, that's how cool I think they are.

From: James Subject: Ultimate Sacrifice Check the link and be amazed. This 20 year old cyclist helped save 5 lives by giving his own in return. That's heroism if I've ever seen it. usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-05-14-organ-donor_x.htm Those 5 people should be forever grateful that they've received their second chance at life at the cost of a healthy, energetic, athletic young man.

I haven't the words.

Damn. That is some heavy stuff.

From: Peter Subject: Re: where's the fuckin perma-linkage Justice For None is publishing a handbill/grocery list: justicefornone.com/handbills/ Leave them behind when you're done shopping, or read them and think about how Donald Rumsfeld has all but declared martial law.

I can't wait to use one of those next time I'm at the store. It'll be a real hit with the humus, yogurt, bulk granola, fig bars and cheap twelve packs.

Yeah, I'm a real piece of work.

From: d pike Subject: In response to the juskaitis letter... So I'm about to send off my entry form and check for the next big national, but I just can't seem to find the check-boxes for a 150 pound, 54 year-old, one-armed hermaphroditic semi-semi-pro…What the hell? I deserve to be graded against my peers! If I can't race exclusively against at least men in the 147 to 153 pound range, then I'm out. Gears? Yeah, well, I'm waiting for UPS to show up, and if they don't, well, then I might just have to pedal my ass off. I'd flip the bird, but with one arm, I'll be too busy hanging on. p.s. I don't cotton to my good Pike name being any more sullied than I've already sullied it. Especially when "long-travel" is so loosely thrown around, let alone "motion control", all in the context of Utah. The only "stable-platform" of relevance is two well planted feet for pushin' on the cushion. Technical stipulations…uhhhh…where do I weigh in?...D Pike, Boulder, CO

Better late than never, I suppose.

Ann Coulter scares me.

From: Sid Subject: Hey Jonny, Love the blog. Thought you'd like this clip from one of our Canadian TV news shows that aired last year. Coulter gets caught making up facts about the Vietnam war and the interviewer stands his ground and shoots her down! cbc.ca/fifth/sticksandstones.html

It will take a bit, but that entire documentary is worth watching. Hell, watch the fucker twice. Aside from that, the next best part about that webpage is witnessing O'Reilly's insanity. Jesus, that dude is out of his mind. I love it when he says: "That could lead to millions of deaths, sir. Just as Nazi propaganda did."

As if Fox News wasn't the Nazi propagandists.

There are a couple of 24 hour races coming up.

From: Jeff Subject: 24 Hour Race Hi Jonny, Thought maybe you could post this 24 hour race website on your site to support him. The promoter's name is Mitch and he came all the way down from Gunnison, CO to support the Soul Ride in Tucson this past year. What do ya think? 24hoursinthesage.com/index2.cfm

I've heard that is a very good event. I'd make plans to hit that one up, but I'll be in State College, Pennsylvania murdering myself at the Single Speed World Championships.

From: Dan Subject: payson stampede Hey Jonny...........this is Dan in Payson............did you know there is a 24 hr race in payson June 18 & 19? Should be pretty cool...start, finish,transition & party in rodeo arena in event center on south end of town across from the casino plenty of on-site camping and short bike ride to any motel in town.........tucsonracing.com.........ten mile course consisting of rocky bitch downhill then by the golden wonder mine, to the top of the world, where you look down on the airport and see the mogollon rim in it's entirety. Now this is where it gets good, we go down main street where they used to hold the august doins' rodeo, right there on main street in front of the ox bow saloon, where we are working on final details to have a neutral feed zone with bike racks & tables so you can enjoy your liquid replenishment. Then back to the arena where there will be movies @ night, riders will have to go between the screen and the viewers, therefore adding to the heckling value of the event. Lap should take bout 1 hr +- daylight time. If you could plug it for us it would be cool................advise..................thanks................db

Consider it plugged. This is one I would like to do. Check out some race information tucsonracing.com/PSMinf05.htm.

From: Hoyt Subject: Rado I'm at a coffee shop in Colorado Springs, trying to use my computer. The wifi carrier in here is censoring the shit out of you. Yeah, that shitbox won't even let me on your site. Some content filter or something. I don't even like your damn website that much, but this just ruined my day. It's an intrusion on my rights. I'm just kidding, bud, I love your site. Don't be so sensitive. Update? Okay, short and sweet. Snake and I shit the bed Saturday in some local road race. We immediately wrote it off as "flu-bug" and caught a flight to Colorado. (The Real) Big Tex's bachelor party went well. I can't believe you didn't come. Paint ball was amazing. Benzophosphate and I tagged and bagged Precious so fast I think we set the battlefield record. Dude showed up in shorts and flip-flops. And hair gel. We walked out there past dudes in full ATF gear, extra clips and air-hoses to their CO2 backpacks. Unreal. Like some strange subculture. We were a bunch of Cat 5's showing up for a big stage race. Except there were guns and shit. Well, after a lovely dinner and some drinks at 15C, I am completely shithoused. I have a theory that involves Snake and some Rohypnol. Or maybe I'm just a lightweight. We end up falling into a blackhole in the middle of small town Colorado. Next thing I know we're in some Lithuanian dance club. No joke. There's a wall full of specialty vodka and lots of unique-looking women with broken English. Precious unbuttoned his shirt a couple more times. I don't remember anything after that. I'm going to go ride with Snake now.

Ok, I'm out of here.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

sarah and bella part one   I   part two   I   part three   I   giro

I hate Ann Coulter. Every fucking thing about her sucks ass. Like, for example, this.

What really kills me is her books sell and people keep putting on television programs as some kind of voice of conservatism. She's got about as much to do with true conservatism as I do with Buddhism. In short, not a whole fucking lot.

I think she plays well in the fly-over states with nascar fans. They watch cars turn left until someone wrecks. They watch Coulter because the trainwreck is always just around the corner. I guess both work if you're pretty bored. But I'll have to give nascar the nod on this one. No level of mid afternoon drunkenness can make Coulter sorted crap seem appealing in the slightest.

Her whole shtick is limited to name calling, slander, and fear mongering. Not to mention rewriting history and outright making shit up. What she does is not a whole lot different than the radio antic of Howard Stern, it's meant to be shocking.

And people love it.

Although I really do hate to denigrate Stern by associating him with that gutter trash whore.

I'm going to attempt to drown myself. You can be just like me…

Only one hundred and twelve new emails today. Joy. I'm sure I'll get through them in no time.

Some random shite in no particular order:

Dresden Bombing Is To Be Regretted Enormously.

A celebration of the vast right-wing conspiracy.

Need I say more?

Maybe you should give the typology test a try.

No big surprise here: I'm a liberal.

And check out Cycles Tournesol when you get a chance. If you're into riding your bike, you might be feeling it.

How the hell did I get eight of these right? I must be a full on dork. Jesus Christ. I suck.

We can call that the "dork test".

A whole lot of wallpaper going on. And I may have already linked that one before, as it sure does look familiar. Of course, damn near everything looks familiar at this point, so who cares.

I'm not asking, I'll telling.

Rest day for the Giro. Man, it sure has been a good one. I've been loving it. Wide open race, wide friggin open.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

dynamite   I   daryn   I   katie

The results from the Whiskey look like this:

50 Proof
Men's Single Speed: DeJay Birch
Men's Geared: Brian Lugers
Men's Junior: Ian Delany
Woman's Single Speed: Nicole Habay
Woman's Geared: Dara Marks

25 Proof
Men's Single Speed: Michael Melley
Men's Geared: John Shumaker
Men's Junior: Jesse Robbins
Woman's Single Speed: Non Entered?
Woman's Geared: Lisa Ahern
Woman's Junior: Deanna Adams

And please forgive any misspellings.

That's what I have at the moment. And it sure may change in the near future. To the best of my knowledge, the "official" results will not be online till something like Wednesday.

Until then, this will just have to do.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

not excited to be here   I   jones   I   wtf

How is it I do the following? I drive south from Flagstaff on I-17. Turn right and head west towards Prescott on 169. Merge with 69, continuing towards Prescott. And then turn right again to go on South 89?

It just doesn't make any sense. Go south, turn right twice to go south?

And that would be why I drove straight past the turn and had to flip a u-turn. I was expecting something to come up on my left. But, no, that would be too easy.

And it would make too much sense.

The Whiskey 50 is in the books. I wussed out and rode the 25 mile course instead. And hey, it was plenty hard enough just like that.

Hey look, Swobo is coming back.

I had heard Santa Cruz had bought the name. Good thinking. I'm excited to see what comes down the pipe.

From: michael Subject: OLN in Paris? yo what's up? long time reader, first time emailer. i'm heading to Paris for the last 10 days of May. my girlfriend booked the trip, and i agreed to go to Paris with her only on the condition that she let me watch the Giro D'Italia every day. here's the rub... are there "cycling bars" in Paris where i can get a beer and watch the race? there are plenty of rugby bars and football bars of course. i've been googling this for hours to no avail. my last resort is sitting in front of the TV at our hotel, which is fine, but i'd rather be able to yell Allez along with the euros. maybe you (or your readers) can help?

I can tell you this much, you ain't going to be watching any OLN over across the pond. They've got their own coverage, far superior to ours, and all in a language you most likely will not understand.

Aside from that, it'll be killer.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any fucking funnier. It does. Check out backinanncoultersasssaddleagain.blogspot.com.

Friday, May 13, 2005

This is why I'll never make it as a "news" site...

Oh, for fucks sake. This Friday the 13th shit is getting old. And fast.

There is another update on the MBAA debacle. Somewhere in here there is a lesson on why you should never post that public service announcement shit to quickly. Better left to someone else.

So now the MBAA State Finals race will be held in Flagstaff after all. Just at some kind of a different venue. It will now be at the Nordic Center. Which ain't all bad, considering how fucked up things were earlier today.

Private land, go figure.

So come on up. It'll be fun, I'm sure.

For my second public service announcement, the following crap: One speeder does not have the latest and greatest current information concerning the race. So, if'n you notice that, well, bully for you.

 

Friday, May 13, 2005

jesse capelli   I   wendy   I   are you joking?

Friday the 13th. Spooky. Anyone else feel like hiding under a darkened staircase with me & my axe? It'll be fun. Just me, the axe and some pleasant conversation about how they all laughed at us. They laughed and laughed. But, we showed them, my axe and I. We're the ones laughing now.

Giggling actually. Occasionally chuckling.

So, join us, won't you? Here, under the stairs, in the dark. You and me and mass murder makes three.

Just dropping a quick one before I leave town for the Whiskey. The MBAA race that was scheduled to happen in one weeks time, on May 21st up here in Flagstaff has been moved to Prescott.

From: MBAA Subject: CHANGE IN VENUE FOR MAY 21 FINAL RACE NO, THIS IS NOT A JOKE. The Coconino National Forest in Flagstaff will not be issuing MBAA a permit to conduct a race on May 21 at the Fort Valley Trail System as advertised. No permit, no race on that venue. The Tonto National Forest in Payson is willing to issue the MBAA a permit to have a race on May 21 at the same location as the one held on April 2, 2005. Detailed information on the location and course are on the MBAA website (MBAA.net races) under the Payson Pounder, Race # 5, held on April 2, 2005. Please refer to that location for details. ONE CHANGE. THE COURSE WILL BE RUN IN A CLOCK WISE! DIRECTION on the 21st. At this point, it is not marked; should be marked on Sunday May 15. All other activities planned for the day will still be held. See you there! Anyone who has signed up for the race in Flagstaff because it was being held in Flagstaff and who will not be attending the race because of the change of venue can get a refund by making the request to the undersigned.

I did not include the email address as it would just open it up to the spam bastards. Go to MBAA.net for more information.

I've got only very limited information on the state of things at the moment. Something about Goshawk mating season and the lack of an Environmental Impact Study. And yes, I'm serious. Never mind the fact that the Forest Service, in their infinite and infallible wisdom, is currently undertaking controlled burns in that very neck of the woods. And generating so much smoke you can see it plainly from town.

I suppose Goshawks find the smoke from burning brush and debris to be a bit of an aphrodisiac. Makes 'em a bit randy. Get's 'em in the groove.

Maybe I need some of that?

What I must say is that the City of Flagstaff apparently does not enjoy the economic windfall associated with a mountain bike event. Where to you think all those people are going to eat, drink, get gas and sleep? And don't say some Mexican restaurant. Although it answers the question, it wasn't really what I was thinking.

Right here in town. You bring people in, they spend the night. They frequent our restaurants, bars and coffee shops. They rape our women and they run off our cattle.

Ok, maybe forget that last part....

Tomorrow in Prescott a couple of hundred people will start a race, downtown, with police escort down the main road. The race will finish back in town, with the street blocked off. Then these same people will try their damndest to drink the town dry.

And the City of Flagstaff doesn't want the business apparently. We're a tourist town that is uninterested in bringing in tourists.

Can anyone explain that one to me please?

Thursday, May 12, 2005

yasmine   I   lauren   I   never gets old

I feel like Bettini just put me in the barriers. In short, not good. Better than yesterday, I suppose. Story of my life. Each day a little better than the next. Or something like that.

I leave for Prescott tomorrow. Time to go ride in a big circle. I'll try to remember my camera for this one. Maybe even take some notes. Wouldn't that be something?

Anyone else think Ann Coulter is a Drag Queen?

Is it all about bloggywood these days? I guess it's not who you know, but who you blow. Or, maybe it's all about Ren & Stimpy.

Big Pun is my hero.

From: Big Pun Subject: My Weekend Jon...I drank from 5:00 in the afternoon on Saturday until 4:00 Sunday morning with 11 (count them, eleven) foreign women from places such as Scotland, England, Australia and Japan. I would say that it ranked as an above average weekend until 7:30 am on Sunday when I was awoken by the aforementioned women and their immediate need to use my "Loo" as it were. I am inclined to regale you with stories of my adventures in "11 foreign chicks are staying overnight at my house" land; however, I blacked out around midnight or so and can't remember a damn thing. All well, I'm sure that I had fun.

Ah yes, it is beautiful.

From: Jason Subject: dy-no-saws hey, saw the piece on fundamentalist christians and dinosaurs and just in case you've had the misfortune not to be touched by the genius of the late great bill hicks (who often discussed the subject, amongst others i think you'd enjoy, appreciate and generally just warm to like a hostage tied to a radiator) then here's a couple of links... audio clip of the aforementioned: pastpeak.com/archives/2005/01/bill_hicks_on_d.htm and here is the stuff itself (in case that link breaks or you can't be arsed or whatever) Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them. "Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? Twelve thousand years." "Well, how fucking scientific, OK. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's twelve thousand years old?" "That's right." "OK, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?" "Uh huh." "Dinosaurs." You know, the world's twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and existed in that time, you'd think it would been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point: And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus.. with a splinter in its paw. And the disciples did run a-screamin'. "What a big fucking lizard, Lord!" "I'm sure gonna mention this in my book," Luke said. "Well, I'm sure gonna mention it in my book," Matthew said. But Jesus was unafraid. And he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw, and the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting fat American families with their fat fuckin' dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!" Twelve thousand years old. But I actually asked this guy, "OK, dinosaur fossils-- how does that fit into your scheme of life? What's the deal?" He goes: "God put those here to test our faith." "I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I've figured this out." Does that-- That's what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be fucking with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully with that thought in their head? God's running around burying fossils: "Ho ho! We'll see who believes in me now, ha ha! I'm a prankster God. I am killing me, ho ho ho!" You know? You die, you go to St. Peter: "Did you believe in dinosaurs?" "Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. (trapdoor opens) Aaaaarhhh!" "You fuckin' idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!" "It seemed so plausible, aaaaaahh!" "Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!" They believe this. But you ever notice how people who believe in Creationism usually look pretty unevolved. Eyes really close together, big furry hands and feet? "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it. As always, keep up the good work...

Oh wait, there's more email coming. This next one is a funny little thing about street address and a site that has very little to do with biking. It's a crackup anyway.

From: Casey Subject: Haha I'm from Grand Junction asshole. I grew up living at the address 327 32 1/2 Rd. I can't even look up my own house on Yahoo Maps. It's great. I'm glad you had a good ride. The single track out there is amazing, it just goes to show that all my Colorado family was right all along. California sucks. Oh, by the way. I have been running a site for a month or two and a big part of it was my drunken riding blog. I didn't know you're site was out there at this point, so don't think I was ripping you off or anything. I'll send you a link, not as a ploy for a link through on your site or anything, biking has very little to do with my site. Anyway, you might take particular interest in my 22aprO5 entry. Something you might appreciate: voxproletariat.com/blog.html

One more and I'm out.

From: Brandon Subject: Karma Since you didn't enter the Creampuff winning a spot at Leadville is your karmic payback. Enter the Puff next year. This year will be my third time, finished '02, dnf '03, didn't enter '04.. now they've made it harder.

My karma must suck donkey balls.

Karma. Yeah. I'm fucked.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

jesse   I   chrissy   I   car wash

Somehow I've got to pull something out of my ass and ride the Whiskey in two days time. I'd be lying if I said I felt good today. I feel like crap.

I guess the three day bender in Fruita has taken it's toll. All I've managed to do this week is ride back and forth to work. I suppose I did run a few errands for those all important extra miles.

But it adds up to a sum total of dick, really, when you think about it. Twenty minutes here, ten minutes there. I need hours. Big blocks of hours. I'd rather I got in a nice ride yesterday and again today. But, instead, I took a nap. Yeah, I'm Iron Man.

From: Jim Subject: Another one run down Pretty cold blooded.... wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=3329957&nav=0RaMZj0d

That one is off the fucking chart. Jesus. Talk about just plain mean. Glad to hear they at least caught the guy.

From: Adam Subject: anther life cut short… Hey Johnny, Another biker has been taken from us...this time by a city trash truck. Brandy Bailey was commuting home when she was hit, the driver didn't even stop. There's a benefit show for her family. Here's a couple links with the info... nynewsday.com/news/local/brooklyn/nyc-bike0510,0,585315.story? thenjscene.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=142807 hardcorewebsite.net/ubbcgi/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/1/48628.html Thanks buddy!

No, thank you. Posting that shit is the least I could do. Another link about much the same thing over at the New York Post.

Maybe I'll try something a little more upbeat.

From: Aaron Subject: Fruita Fat Tire Fest Clunker Crit photos A sampling of Clunker Crit photos from this year's Fruita Fat Tire Fest are now posted at highticycles.com/funstuff.html. There are many more also, but these are relatively focused and clear.

Yeah, I'd call that fun stuff. Drink a lot and ride in circles real fast. My kinda shit right there. I'm already making plans for the bike I build up for next year. That event requires just the right piece of machinery.

This year I had my chrome cruiser, the one I fondly call the Galloping Ghost. She's a beauty, but I'll have to find something different for the next go round.

I've even got a race report from Bisbee to share.

From: Loveday Subject: Bisbee Piece Timing is everything and everything came together in Bisbee for the 27th La Vuelta de Bisbee……ramblings from the B race by Lovedawg, Grand Canyon Racing. Rick Cimaglia and I were joined by our newest teammate Bryan Antol. for this special 3 day stage race in the Southeastern corner of the state. As always, the race kicked of with the Fri. evening prologue of 2.8mi and over 800ft. of climbing. It never feels good to torque the system up like that in the evening and irritate the lungs in the dry air of the high desert, but such is the live of the addicted bike racer. It is a good reality check for anyone wanting to see what life is like smoking 2 packs a day….because this race never fails to induce lung roaching coughs for the next 5 hrs. After the prologue we were able to have the Aerospace Engineering team join us for dinner which was special because the team leader at Bisbee was Serbian Ivan Stevic (pronounced E-von Stay-vich)....and it just so happens my wife Tanja is Serbian. It was great to hear the native languages bouncing around the table. Ivan was busy speaking English, Serbian and translating in Italian for his teammate Clemente (Cleo). Sometime after the main course DJ Fernandez (Construction Zone) stopped by our table (we were seated late due to the 100 man CZ team taking up most available tables during normal dinning hours) to report that I had beaten him by a mere 1 sec. and that some guy "I-van Stev-ick": had won the Pro 1-2 race, to which Ivan replied: "I don't know that guy?" due to the mispronunciation. I will report that Ivan and Cleo, who ended up 1-2 on the overall….and combined to win all 4 stages of La Vuelta, each partook in a micro-brew with dinner…so those who think it takes monkish discipline to win at this level, not so, although Jonny, they stuck to the 16oz. glass…..no 40's. The flat 48mi stage 1 road race was controlled by the red and yellow sea of 13 CZ riders, so not very eventful until the last 1K where DJ made a strong move to create a gap and attempt to snag the finish time bonus, but it was negated by my super-teammate Rick, and thank goodness, because I did not feel up to the task! The winner of the stage; Chad Fisher took the overall lead by 3 sec. with the time bonus heading into the afternoon's 8.4mi flat time trial. The windy TT was a pretty straight forward affair, just rev. it up and hold it for 17+minutes, not much time to over-think it. Either the legs have it or they don't in these types of races, so after a little nap back in the nappy town of Bisbee I headed south of town with Frappacino in hand…and today I had good legs...even within the first 500 meters, you know. It was good to build a cushion of 33sec. over DJ and more on the others (except ex-line backer Troy Love who was only 13 sec. off the win...good ride big guy, don't kick my ass) going into the final showdown on stage 3 and its 10K climb up Mule Pass. This is the race I am most proud of...because it was truly a team win and so sweetly setup, text book really. With ~25mi to go a CZ rider (I think Chris Pogamo sp?) ~2min. down on the overall and Todd Mion (Landis) stretched out a 3+min gap on the field, making the CZ rider the virtual leader on the road. Rick and Bryan who had been patrolling the front most of the day already, set into a steady tempo on the windy, grindy approach to Mule Pass. During their effort a guy came up and said: "I wish I had teammates like yours." And that says it all right there, Rick and Bryan were rock solid, just like the characters of Tombstone, through which we passed, must have been…. And by the time we hit the lower slopes of the climb, we blew by the breakaway, but my guys continued on the front till 2mi from the top....which was more than enough to set up for the win. The legs again felt great despite a night sleeping directly above the abnormally quiet, but very smoky Bisbee Grand Hotel Saloon. The remainder of the climb had headwind and sheltered sections so I upped the pace on the sheltered sections to minimize the draft. We crested the pass, descended the tunnel, exited the highway and swung onto the last mile of the Prologue course which provides ample opportunity for anyone who has visions of separating from the group. I was able to solo in for the win while wearing the leader's jersey. THANKS GUYS!!I owed it to Rick and Bryan who sabotaged their own chances to ensure mine on the finishing slopes above Bisbee. I tried to get a lot of people's full names in here, so when your Mom does a search of her baby's name on google, you pop-up on a porn sight! She'll be proud!

Making sure Mom gets a little surprise is a touch of class. That very thing happened to Jason Tullous.

And, as you can see, I hope to make it happen again.

"Jason, why are you on a porn site?"

Fantastic.

From: Snake Subject: Poker Night Last night I was a grinder and made it to the final round only to get second again. Turned my 10 bucks into 25. I think that I will be second my entire life. But knowing that I can beat you at will anytime gives me hope. hahahahah If you don't update your site every day I have nothing to live for. Please put something up. Fucker. I went back and read some of the past archives. Fuck you with Black Butte Porter. I shove one of the bottles right up your ass. Speaking of, tell Ang I said to say HI and let her shove the bottle up your ass? How's your new house?

The house is fine, thanks for asking. You bastard.

The House bans gay unions?

Go take a look at your morality. I seem to be fully permissive. What's that you ask? "A fully permissive position rejects both interference and also any universalizing tendency."

Yeah. Say that three times fast.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

jamie   I   loirann   I   more peach

We decided to leave for Fruita Thursday night after we were all done working at whatever it is we call jobs. I packed it at the office, Angry Hippy finished up his responsibilities banging nails and Big Gay Randy put in a full day turning wrenches. We had picked 6:00 pm as our departure time. I phoned up the boys, and BGR was running a bit late. So I took my time scooping up Hippy in my shitbox van. We got to BGR's at 6:30.

We didn't leave till 7:30.

Don't ask me why. I was there and I have no fucking idea.

A tank of gas, 18 pack of Budweiser and ice for the cooler on board, and we were rolling out of town on 89. Northbound baby. Time for a road trip.

BGR called me out for buying Bud. I asked him what he got. It was a six pack of Coors.

I told him to fuck off.

I took the first turn at the wheel. Turns out I took the only turn at the wheel as those other two worthless slackers got shitfaced and passed out.

Drove through the glorious southwest, Tuba, Kayenta, Mexican Hat, Bluff, Blanding, Monticello and finally Moab. All in the dark. Worked my way up the river valley to Cisco, stopping to pee once and stare up at the blazing night sky framed in by the black silhouettes of sandstone cliff. Nice place to hold your dick and reflect on what makes life worth living.

Namely, it's my dick.

A short blaze down the interstate and we were in Fruita. Good times wandering around at 2:00 am, driving across town trying to figure out streets with names like J 3/8, K 7/10, and L 11/32.

Ok, I made up that last one. It was probably more like L 3/4.

At some point we realized we the pattern and turned around. Probably when we hit a dead end, but hey, we ain't so bright.

Hit T-Boys place at 2:30 and had to drink 4 cans of Budweiser to get an upper hand on the coffee. Rode BGR's fixed gear shitwagon bike in circles in the cu-de-sac till 3:30 then climbed back in the big gray whale for some shut eye.

Four solid hours of sleep under a street light later, I awoke to a bit to much sun in the van. Dizzy and sweaty may be the worst possible combo to wake up with. Ever. In the history of mankind. A shower under my belt, I was ready to track down these rumors of Grover working the espresso machine down at the bike shop. I think the directions I got were left-right-left-right-you're there. No mention of any streets like K 7/8.

It worked. Roll up on the coffee shop and Grover is indeed working the counter. And he's backed way the fuck up. This is not good. There must be twenty people waiting in line. Being the caffeine junkie I am, the thought of waiting 25 minutes for a good shot of the black god was, well, unbearable to say the least.

I got back behind the counter and started pulling shots with the old boy. We knocked through the line of customers like we were mowing the lawn. In the process I got a couple in me and started to feel human again.

Met up with my man Ogle, sorted out a ride and headed out of town on 18 Road. Not 18th Street, not 18th Avenue. Eighteen Road.

Joined up with a bunch of fellas from mtbr and rode some of the finest single track I've ever put my wheels on. Good times. Can't wait to go back and ride some more of that sweet action.

Drank myself stupid again that night. Just seemed like the thing to do. Denver Jonny and Wakeman brought 180 tamales from some place on the eastern slope all the way across the rockies. In a cooler. You ever seen what 180 tamales looks like?

I hadn't. I tell you this much, that is a shit ton of tamales.

At about 4:00 am we ate the last ones.

Talk about punishment. That was totally and completely uncalled for. And for some reason they kept coming up to me and Sov, dude, you can eat another one, you're a total fat ass.

Ok, maybe they didn't exactly call me a fat ass. But I could see it in their eyes. 'Nother tamale, tubby?

Saturday brought the Cruiser Crit. BGR, Hippy and myself spent the morning getting some able-bodied steeds down from the attic of Over the Edge Sports and making sure they were race ready. Topped up the tires & made sure the chains wouldn't fall off. Made a seat out of a two by four. Comfy. I was about to put lube on one of the chains, and man, that did not go over well. I was harshed sharply by BGR for my error in judgment.

Simon even gave me a demerit for that one. I didn't pause to remind him of his behavior on the front porch the night before. Don't mug yourself. But, as they say, that's another story. I put the lube back on the shelf and got to work with the duct tape.

Sorry boys, won't happen again.

A nice beer holder made out of a coffee cup and duct tape for each machine and they were ready for the Big Event. You can see pics of the crit here.

And while I'm at it, the balance of Greg's photo album is worth taking a look at as well.

Ok, time to change this one up. More on Fruita tomorrow.

From: Greg Subject: Evolution Duh! It's obvious. We know that dinosaurs existed on earth before humans did. There's no way the earth was created on day one and man was created on day seven with the rise and fall of dinosaurs sandwiched in there somewhere. If you believe that the earth was created in seven days then you can't "believe" in dinosaurs. People are fucking retarded.

So the answer is not to believe in dinosaurs.

You'll love this next one. I heard this insanity first hand. Ok, so dinosaur bones are pretty easy to find, touch, feel and damn hard to disprove. We can all at least agree that they exist in their present form. So, the question becomes, why are there dinosaur bones in the ground?

Guys like me and you say it's because those animals (reptiles, whatever) once existed. Not anymore. But at one time they walked around, did whatever they did. They were real, they were alive.

The Jesus Freaks say God put the dinosaur bones in the ground, are you ready for this, as a test of faith.

That's right. It's a test. They never existed as living, breathing organisms. Just as bones. God did create the earth in seven days, he just sprinkled them through out the dirt in between making mountains and meadows. Kinda like a smoke break.

If if looks like they existed, God is testing your faith, your belief. How strong is your faith? Is it strong enough to ignore the very real possibility that dinosaurs actually did walk the earth?

He's testing you to see what you're made of. If you're worthy. If you are completely retarded.

So, if you buy into that argument, then no matter how overwhelming the evidence for evolution, a round planet, whatever, it's all just a test by God. You just gotta have faith.

Fucked up isn't it?

From: Hurl Subject: Check out May 4th, 2005 Hydrater, could be a problem... harpers.org/Britain.html#2005-05-04-41880137774083705

Looks like the carsrcoffins logo is about to change from 666 to 616.

So what does that make 666 then? Just an old highway in New Mexico?

Shit. This changes everything.

From: Uncle Pistol Subject: bicycle fatalities So, Their Ride of Silence. And more tears. When are we going to stop pretending they are traffic accidents? Almost everyone has had repeated close calls with some fuck and seen eyes in the rearview. It wasn't an accident. They are playing games. As if out lives are for their amusement. You can't go to the cops or the courts for redress. You're looked at as if you are crazy to bring it up. They are drivers too. Maybe they're road ragers too. How many have had the conversation with a co-worker or even a family member who says "Yeah? You get in my way I'll just run you over"? As if a mild inconvenience is a capitol offense. Do they run the slow driver off the road? Maybe. That severe of a response is a call for therapy, or incarceration, or both. But you know, I'm tired of it. I'm all for peace man. I ride as far to the right as possible. I look'em in the eye. I give hand signals, "Go ahead". But what they are doing is an act of war. I've followed'em home. I'm fast. Told'em "Be nice! man, I know where you live". I am all for peace. Enough is enough though. The next time I'm told "I'll just run you down". I'll try to explain. They are saying "I'm gonna kill you". And when they laugh I'll use my pepper spray. And maybe I'll quit kicking before they die.

Right on man. We're all sick of this shit.

But don't just shoot the bastard who fucks with you in this truck. Do that and you'll get 12 years. Just ask Robert Urick how that one works.

More on the background of Urick's little "situation" over at bikemag.com. Looks like the driver told him what for, the cyclist flipped the bird, the car turned around and headed back, and the cyclist shot the driver.

Wtf?

A kid named Fallon got hit and killed here a few years back, and the driver wasn't even charged. With anything. What the fuck is that about?

This guy turns around to go back and fuck with a cyclist some more, gets shot, and the cyclist is in the wrong.

Well, I have to admit, shooting people is generally a bad idea. Best to avoid it. I'm with Pistol: I'm getting some pepper spray.

Monday, May 9, 2005

lesbians rule   I   redhead for dave   I   fuck me running

The Giro is off and running. For all you cycling junkies, this is the shit. MediaZone had streaming video of the stages not live on OLN. Near as I can tell, it's $5.95 for the whole enchilada. Not bad, eh?

My fucking Leadville packet showed up today. Those bastards. Couldn't just not pick me out of all the poor bastards that enter the lottery? Couldn't just give me my check back and forget about it? Now I gotta go up there and fucking die like Christ on the Cross all over again.

C'mon, no harm, no foul?

I am so gonna die. What ever. I love it. It's obvious.

Obvious to everyone but me.

Which leads nicely into a little discussion about Fruita.

Fruita, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Um, I can only come up with two: Bikes and beer.

Fuck me that was fun. The Fruita Fat Tire Festival is one of the good ones. Give this event a good look for next year. The riding is great and the partying is on Vegas levels. I gutted myself with three consecutive four in the morning booze binges. I was Fruitarded.

I only with I could have done more riding while I was there. Three days was just not enough time. Shit is so damn good, so fast, so smooth, so fun.

I'll post a good Fruita story when I buff that fucker out.

From: Conrad Subject: Perspective In a Cat 3 Criterium in Muskego, Wisconsin on Saturday a fellow rider (20 years old) crashed and a day later died due to those injuries (on Mother's Day no less). He was right next to me and a second later he was a smear on the pavement. Remember that what we do as riders is supposed to be fun and keep a little perspective about it. Be happy you can ride. I read about people whine about all sorts of stuff from Tyler to Lance vs. Floyd to how their PowerTap isn't working. All of you should fuck off and just ride your damn bike. Be happy you can ride your bike and stop complaining about petty little crap that does not matter. Also, give your mom a hug.

Horrible news. My condolences to his friends and family.

From: Erik Subject: Bicycle Film Festival THIS WEEKEND!!! Big Jonny, This years BICYCLE FILM FESTIVAL will begin on Thursday, May 12! The opening night features the world premiere of a film about the Critical Mass crackdown in NYC titled, Still We Ride! If you watch closely you can see me getting pawed and zip-cuffed by New York's "Finest"! This years festival once again features many films with a messenger theme from the US and abroad. Friday the 13th will be the World Premiere of Messenger, and feature films by Lucas Brunelle, The Black Label Bicycle Club, and many, many others! Saturday, May 14, features begin with a bicycle parade starting at 1pm, followed by a professional trials demo and street party with more fixed-gear wildness such as skid competition, sprints, and much more. A wide variety of films will be shown all day, including another world premiere - Joe Kid on a Stingray - The History of BMX. A special program at 7pm of the craziest messenger shorts, followed later in the evening by the latest mountain bike films with a variety of styles, stars and directors. Not to be missed! Sunday, May 15, is another entire day of films and events starting at noon with BMX and flatland special films, and moving into a variety of bicycle films from all around the world, and throughout history. Sunday night features some classics, such as A Sunday in Hell (1973), and some films that are sure to be classics, such as the cyclocross masterpiece - Pure Sweet Hell. My little summary does not do justice to the amazing number of films and events that are going to be going down this weekend. For a complete schedule and ticket info check out: bicyclefilmfestival.com/dev/index.html

Yeah, I'd say that one looks to be a good time.

Two young boys got run down by a Hummer this past weekend near St. Paul, Minnesota. Read the story here.

From: JZ Subject: National ID cards I know it's a political thing and you haven't been political in a while. But this is a bad deal and they are sneaking it in via the back door without debate or anything. This website will let you FAX your Senator with your opinion. Can you help get the word out? unrealid.com/index.html

How 'bout a little joke?

This is one of those heartwarming stories you just have to share with good friends.

A man was sitting on the beach.

Tragically, through a recent car accident, he had lost both his arms and legs.

During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three attractive women separately walked past him.

Each felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow said "No."

She said,"You will be when the tide comes in."

How 'bout another one?

From: Big Tex Subject: Colorado trip A peloton member friend of mine currently sports the "Livewrong" band while racing many of America's top races. In Georgia, Livestrong's biggest donor spotted the band during one of the stages and rode up to my friend. He said something of the sort like, "You know that's a for profit company making money off of Livestrong's non profit idea." --Yes, I know but the site is pretty cool and I support the Liveswrong ideal --That site's just full of porn --So you've been there. --I checked it out and they don't like me. They said I suck dick. --Really, I don't see much badmouthing on you. --I read it and some one was bashing me saying Big Tex sucks dick. Ha ha My friend tried to explain the situation but the "Boss" has apparently only knows himself as Big Tex.

If this is a for profit company, I sure haven't seen any of it.

Let's clear up this little misconception right now. There is only one Big Tex on this site. And his last name is Tullous. Not Armstrong.

One more thing, we are donating a portion of all the livewrong.net proceeds to flagstaffbiking.org. Whenever they materialize that is.

From: Hoyt Subject: Shizzle Dear Big Jon- My, my. Where do I begin? Drunk again. Can't seem to kick the habit. Woke up at 6am this morning to drive to a road race. The Endeavor pro team showed up with a trailer carrying an eight-dicked walrus. They let him off the leash and, needless to say, Snake and I have got some new assholes. They went 1,2,3,4. I mean, come on. Can your readers say "sandbag"? I fuckin can. If Snake could talk, he could say it. I spent a week in Athens. Good times, noodle salad. Back in Chattanooga now. Depressed as hell. Crit tomorrow. I think I might hang up the bike. Oh, FYI, to the readers, Krystal sucks. I take back everything I ever said. We had eight riders and we finished 11th. Holy shit. I think they just pulled our entire budget. I'm gonna pull my beer budget. One of these days, anyway. Heading out to Bachelor Party de Tex on Sunday of next week. Snake and I on the same flight. I think I'm going to go with jack and cokes. Our flight leaves Atlanta at 8am. Should be some swell times in the Springs, though. There's just so much shit to do. Ride and drink. I'll update you, I'm sure. Oh, by the way. Snake's been really sad lately. Can someone send him a card or flowers at: 1401 Market Street Apt 401 Chattanooga TN 37402 Thanks

I can't wait to see what shows up at his place…

Maybe some playboy centerfolds?

From: Adam Subject: Benefit for Joe Reynolds Saturday 4 June 2005 in Philadelphia Beer and Burger Benefit for Wissahickon rider Joe Reynolds, injured in a bike race last month. Currently recovering, lacking health insurance, and unemployed due to his injuries. flier link on Wiss website (link is active) wiss-cycles.com (teetotalers and vegetarians welcome and accommodated.)

Word.

It's not often in my demented nights of web crawling that I come across something I can barely read without the tears of joy clouding my vision to the point I have to stop wipe them dry and start again. It's also not very often I write long sentences for no better reason than to see if I can. Same with paragraphs. Fuck paragraphs. Don't you think I don't hear them laughing at me.

Anyway, check out girls are pretty. It's almost as cool as that fanzine I just got in the mail from Steve. Almost. A strong second.

From: ??? Subject: I'm all fucked up Nevermind the half-bottle of Clynelish next to me, This is just not right. when is the US going to wake up and realize that the AmericanTaliban would take away everything they love. Porn, Paris Hilton, Playstation... teletubbies... you name it. Ugh... its too much to bear.

Word.

From: A Bomb Subject: Balls its on motherfucker: eyeofthestorm.blogs.com/eye_of_the_storm/2005/05/just_days_after.html balls explained (see slang): users.rcn.com/deeds/survey.htm

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

chrisy and kelly   I   domino   I   crissy moran

I'm going to point the Big Gray Whale northbound and check out the Fruita mtb festival this weekend. It's the tenth year and looks to be a good time.

The only issue I'm facing is which bike to bring? I can almost hear the collective groan, dude, bring your single speed. Thinking just that, I rode the poor bastard for the first time in months today. It needed a little air in the tires, wipe some dust off the saddle, and it was fine. Go figure. Not much to adjust on a single speed.

Well, there is the clunker crit to consider. Could bring a bike for that. And the road bike tour, could bring a bike for that. Got the new smooth pimp daddy Voodoo two niner. Fun to ride as well.

Decisions, decisions.

It was supposed to be so easy…

Check out SUV City. The quicktime vid is a crack up.

And fun stuff over at the Onion.

Paddy White's not dead yet episode 4 is up. And worth your time.

Have I mentioned how much lesbians rule yet today?

From: JHill Subject: Ekimov out of Tour Big shout out to Eki - Russian Bad Ass! My condolences sports.yahoo.com/sc/news?slug=reu-ekimov&prov=reuters&type=lgns Everybody's got their favorite tough guys, and I know everybody either hates or loves Lance/Postal Service/Discovery/Nike/Trek, but give it up for Viatcheslav Ekimov, damnit! My man was one of the first to have ridden at the elite level in both a C.C.C.P. jersey and a Russian jersey, and certainly the most accomplished to have done so. His record speaks for itself in Olympic Medals. That is a MAJOR piece to the 7-win-puzzle. Discovery will have a tough time making up for this loss.

You can say that again.

Keeping it real down in Georgia.

From: Hoyt Subject: RE: Tour de Georgia Dear Jonny, This will be short, because I have hit the jackpot on local talent in Athens, Georgia. I am currently preoccupied, if you know what I mean. (and I think you do) Snake, Manchild and I finished up six days of crits and time trials on Sunday. Manchild started d.f.l. at Athens Twilight and finished sixth behind some imports. He was the only amateur to finish in the lead group, by the way. Not too shabby. Snake got 3rd in the time trial Friday night. They had computrainers lined up downtown with hooch walking around checking it out. He should be $1,000 richer, but they stuck him in the same qualifier as some 195-lb pipe-hitter from Australia. I met my future ex-girlfriend after Twilight Saturday night. You should see the talent here. I stayed another week and let Snake mosey back to Chattanooga without me. I took one day off the bike and decided to do 5 hours today with Nathan O'Neill. As we were talking about how he handed every other American-based rider their ass in TDG, I noticed something shiny and black on his wrist. A Livewrong bracelet, bitch.

Right on. Live Wrong Army. Get your own at LiveWrong.net.

And the shirt made preshrunk.

From: Lukas Subject: Giro Cycling News has all of the stages posted... if you care... I know I'm all atingle already. cyclingnews.com/road/2005/giro05/?id=stages

Yeah, I'm stoked. I've enjoyed the Giro more than the Tour these last few years. The Giro has it all, lead changes, kids out of no where, intertream squabbles, sprint kings, drug scandals, police raids, glorious scenery. You name it, the Giro has it.

So who do you like: Cuengo? The kids got it in spades. Simoni? Got the talent, and his wins speak for themselves. But, against Cuengo? Garzelli is past it. Savoldelli? Maybe, but just maybe. I would be surprised to see much of a team fielded by Discovery at anything except that other national tour in France. Basso? No way in hell. No form what so ever. Yet. He'll have it when it counts in July Danielson? Please. He's got the talent, but does he have the head? And don't underestimate the ability for Italians to unite and keep a foreigner from winning their home tour. They'd attack him all the way to Milan.

Shit, some fan would probably just knock him off his bike.

It's going to be a very, very interesting race.

From: Jordan Subject: Giro on computer Hey Jonny, You can watch the Giro on your computer and brush up on your Italian all at the same time. Type fastreal.fastweb.it/raisporthigh in the address bar and it will open WMP with Italy's RAI Sport on. It's showing the race taped delayed so you'll have to wait until like 12 or 2 mountain time. To get the schedule go to ciclismo.datasport.it but I can't figure out the times because it's not on the 8 hour difference it should be. Good times and great porn.

Right on. I'll be checking that one out.

From: John Subject: Ride of Silence Update and locations Lots of locations now... rideofsilence.org/locations.php

Nothing in Arizona yet.

Ahem.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Tom Delay.

From: Kevin Subject: VeloVengeance velovengeance.com We have all been victims of road rage at one time or another. A simple encounter can very quickly escalate into a bad situation. VELO VENGEANCE will provide you with the resources to deal with road rage and provide you with a space to tell your story and share thoughts with others like you. If you have a bad encounter, stay calm. Get the vehicle's license plate, call the police and then come to VELOVENGEANCE.COM to tell others about your experience. Submit your road rage and bike related stories and links. You can tell stories of getting hit or getting revenge. This is a place to track the cars that routinely give you a hard time. The goal of this site is to help inform the public that car vs. bike road rage is a serious problem.

Right on.

And speaking of which…

From: John Subject: Beware of Gangstas & drunk Hilbillies Dude, the piece on the guy getting shot in the ass definitely hits home for me, as I've had to stare down a 9mm pointed in my face by some drunken ass-basket who took offense to my getting to close to his shit-pile shack in the hills...I was on my road bike no less and certainly must have looked terribly menacing in my team kit...supposed he figured I was there to violate his livestock, or women-folk (same difference) or whatever...I did my best Petacchi impersonation while he squeezed off a couple of rounds at me...luckily he was too shit-faced to hit me or I'd be worm food at this point... Beautiful part of the story is that as soon as I turned around, my friend was right there in front of his new house on his cell phone!! - He called 911 and I was treated to the sight of watching this shit-bag get taken down by an entire SWAT team!! - they don't fuck around apparently with random gun-nuts trying to take out taxpayers! Be warned my two-wheeled bruthaz and sistahz...watch thine ass!! Police and Courts WARD Man held on weapons charge Boulder County sheriff's deputies arrested a Ward man Sunday on allegations that he shot at a man who accidentally rode his bicycle onto his property. Edward Ivkov, 35, was held in the Boulder County Jail on suspicion of felony menacing and a misdemeanor weapons charge related to consuming alcohol while handling a gun. John Butera, 39, told officers he was looking for a friend's home when he rode his bicycle onto Ivkov's property at 94 Overland Drive, according to an arrest report. Ivkov confronted Butera, who was in the driveway. Butera said that within one second of turning his bike around, he heard the gun shot, records show. Ivkov told deputies he told the bicyclist to leave before firing. He said he was glad the shot scared him, his arrest record stated.

Looks like Ivkov's going on a little vacation. We're not going to be seeing much of Ivkov for a while.

Maybe he can make some nice license plates. Or, practice breaking great big rocks into little ones with a hammer.

From: Chris Subject: Eugene McGee Hi, Knowing how much you enjoy the antics of pissed drivers, introducing from South Australia, the saga of one Eugene McGee, who killed cyclist Ian Humphrey and left him to die. And because he's a lawyer, Eugene got away with murder. Or so he thought. Until a real lot of people got really really fucking angry. I was blogging the story for a couple of weeks & then realized, why not collate the media coverage on a separate blog? bicyclejustice.blogspot.com Also the Wheels of Justice Adelaide crew: wheelsofjustice.com.au Plenty of reading material for the publics perusal. Not forgetting, we just "Googlebombed" the cunt as well. Drop "Eugene McGee" into Google and the lyrics to Papa Roach's "Getting Away With Murder" is the first cab off the rank. With three Wheels of Justice Rides planned across Australia, this weekend is going to be most interesting indeed.

And there is more:

From: Tod Subject: More The face of Eugene McGee is well-known to many South Australian's. One of the state's leading defense lawyers, he has appeared in many high profile court cases including the Snowtown trials. But it was for family reasons that he made the trip to the Mid-North town of Kapunda on a Sunday in November 2003. He and his brother took their mother to lunch at the nearby Wheatsheaf Hotel in Allendale North. During the afternoon the two men drank two bottles of wine. They bought a third, but according to Eugene McGee they decided not to finish it. A stubbie of beer also appeared on their bill but McGee says it was a mistake, they never ordered it or drank it. After dropping his mother home, McGee drove back alone to Adelaide along the Thiele Highway at around 5 o'clock. Near Freeling he became stuck behind another car. As he followed trying to pass there was a tragic accident. McGee drove into the back of cyclist Ian Humphrey, killing him instantly. While the car he was following and another passerby stopped, McGee drove on. A short time afterwards he pulled on to a side road and rang a close friend, lawyer David Edwardson. During the next few hours he was to ring David Edwardson another three times and also other members of his family. Two and a half hours after the accident his battered car was found at his mother's house in Kapunda. The court was told that after leaving the car at his mother's, McGee was driven by his brother back past the accident scene to Adelaide where six and a half hours after the accident he gave himself up. At the time police didn't test his alcohol level because they say they were too busy. One witness says McGee was tailgating just before the accident, a claim McGee denies. In explaining his behaviour, McGee says he was in total shock and froze, and his memory of what happened after the accident is almost blank. Professor Sandy McFarlane from Adelaide University said McGee's behaviour was influenced by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which he suffered because of horrific experiences in his former career as a police officer and also because of the evidence he dealt with in the Snowtown trials. Yesterday, the 50-year-old walked from the District Court with a $3100 fine and a 12-month licence suspension, having admitted he did not stop and help Mr Humphrey after hitting him. Cyclists around Australia are protesting this weekend, see the attached links. Please pass the details on to anyone you think can make it. Cheers wheelsofjustice.com.au bicyclejustice.blogspot.com

Yeah, I know, I just linked the same two sites in two consecutive emails. Shit happens.

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

rio   I   catrin   I   ayannah

Today I actually trained. Yes, I wore the lycra, I brought a watch, and I actually rode for more than the 15 minutes it takes to get from home to work and from work to the bar. I surpassed the famed "hour" and did not collapse in a heaving mass of flab on the site of Lake Mary Road. Nor did I burst into flames. I'm still working on that trick.

It wasn't too cold, or too windy. Just right. Call me crazy, but I liked it.

A little anyway.

This next one is kinda sad, a guy rides across the county and then had a heart attack on the drive home. How 'bout that one, eh? Well, the upside is he got to finish the ride. We all could be so lucky.

If I gots to go, I think that might just be the way. See the whole country by bike and then punch my ticket.

From: Lines Subject: At least he's alive Man and I thought getting hit by a car was bad. Now the bastards are shooting at us. Check this shit out. Bike rider gets shot in the buttocks POMONA - A drive-by shooting left an 18-year-old man with a gunshot to his buttocks Friday evening. Pomona police officers responded to a call of a gunshot victim after being notified by security personnel at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center, said Pomona Police Cpl. Michael Ellis. The victim was shot at 8:52 p.m. as he rode his bicycle south on Ridgeway Street near Academy Avenue. The victim got a ride to the hospital shortly after he fled into a residential area. He was treated and released, Ellis said. The suspect is described only as a male who was last seen traveling south on Ridgeway. The suspect shouted a gang slogan just before firing two shots at the victim, Ellis said. The suspect's car was described as an early 1990s model brown Honda or Toyota with tinted windows.

Holy shit that sucks.

I figured this was the same story when I saw it in another email. But, no, this is a story about different cyclist who was shot.

Next time someone throws a bottle at me, I'll have to try and remember to thank them. At least it's only a bottle.

From: Andrew Subject: Update Come on man over a week still with no update, i mean some of us have exams to procrastinate studying for.

I do what I can.

Evolution is on trial in Kansas. Again.

What the fuck is wrong with those people?

From: Mike Subject: weird Big FuckStick Jon, This is weird, what do you think? procycling.com/news.aspx?ID=1090

Yeah it's weird. If you're subject to testing by a governing body, in this case the UCI, why would you give them a cash "donation"? To make the testing better?

Better for who? Everyone, or just you?

And why would they take it? The UCI should never have accepted the money. It creates a conflict of interest. I would have expected them to be above the receipt of such a gift.

Maybe Cinelli should have given a cash donation for "research" before the spinaci bars were banned?

Just a thought.

Trans-Iowa is in the books. That looked like a walk in the park, didn't it?

I'd say something stupid like I'd like to do that next year, but I've learned when I make stupid statements like that, they often come back to bite me in the ass. People email me and quote me on shit like that. Cream Puff? Yeah, I said it. And I ain't going to be making it out this year. Pretty much took care of that little "race" issue by not even registering for the fucking thing.

See how that works?

More on the Trans-Iowa from Steve Goetzelman a man who not only bothered with entering the race, he rode and finished it. Good looking out.

I was checking out some pics of the ride, somewhere online, er, oh, here, and I recognize one of the guys from when I did Ragbrai back like three years ago. It's this guy, number 7. And check the Evil rider in the background. Right on. Fucking funny shit. I couldn't tell you that guys name if my life depended on it.

From: Future Subject: hey man I just wanted to drop an email and tell u about my experience with the police last night. Bobby and i were riding home from a party, and all of a sudden i hear a siren, then i see the lights right behind me. I questioned Bobby to see if we were really being pulled over on our bike ride. Sure enough, so we stop and the officer approaches us and tells us to put our bikes down and present our id's. Then we were patted down and accused of having "pot" on us. We were clean of course, but really drunk. Turns out he lets us go, but i am wondering why we were harassed for no apparent reason. They are out there to get us man...

Yep, they are out to get us.

And when I got a phone call tonight for some organization looking for a few bucks to help support the families of police officers killed in the line of duty, I actually said I'd pony up a ten spot. Go figure.

This is the best thing I've read today, and I haven't had the time to read very much: newdonkey.com/2005/04/activist-judges-indeed.html.

Monday, May 2, 2005

hello   I   bikey bikey   I   old one

Back in country and working on detoxing the liver. Good times south of the border and all that. Hard not to have fun with drug, booze and sun. In that order. Hey, Cipo pulls the plug on a long career.

I'm going to miss the Lion King like this guy misses french fries.

Good thing we've got Petacchi to kick ass at the Giro. It's not whether or not he'll win a stage, but how many.

A website with a name like ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard really needs no further introduction, does it? Or, for that matter, neither does this site, anncoultertossedmysalad.

Got the bamboo bike link a dozen times while I was away. Go figure. Fun to look at, but there is no way I'd take something like that out on the trail. Call me crazy, but I like having teeth.

People are quite excited about the I heart bikes shirt. And plenty of folks are asking just what the hell is going on there. Things like, ain't the guy at the wrong end? So I asked our Emily if the stick figure was making out with the bike, or giving it head?

From: Emily Subject: Action Making out, shmaking out. You don't make out with a bike with your mouth wide open and your hand cupping its bars, do you?!

I've never met Emily. Never even seen her once. But I want to be her bike.

Remember the fenders I listed back a few weeks? Well I got me a pair, and they are fucking sweet. Now you can get yourself a set.

set one
set two
set three

Lemme just sneak in a quick one on the Tour of Georgia. Yeah, I know, I'm a bit behind the eight ball. What else is new?

From: Hoyt Subject: Tour de Georgia Dear Jonny, Just got back from a training camp in Dahlonega, Georgia. Deliverance, buddy. No heat. No a/c. No cell phone service. No internet. Sharing a twin bed with Tex in a meat locker. Uh-huh. Get this: on day three of camp, someone stole the last of Tex's coffee. You know him well, so you know that he didn't go ape-shit. He internalized the violence, and it ruined his entire day. Maybe the entire rest of the trip. I've never seen someone so out of sorts. Like someone ran over his puppy. Or stole his crack cocaine. I thought I was going to have to break out the paddles on him before the ride... Watched Danielson wordbitch Levi and Floyd up Brasstown on Saturday. Cold as all, but worth every second up there. Wish I could have been racing, not that I would have lasted one day... Weird to see guys who hand me my ass on a regular basis getting their asses handed to them on day-one in the mountains. Entire pro teams getting canned like tuna. That reminds me: remember when Jessica Simpson didn't understand Chicken of the Sea. Man, that shit was funny. You should have seen things on Sunday. Looked like TDF in downtown Atlanta. Wonder if anyone would have been out there if Lance would have no-showed. Not likely… Funny thing is that lots of people were chanting "Sheryl". I was chanting "Jonny". Nobody got it. Ended the trip at Buster's in "downtown" Dahlonega with two good buddies and lots of Newcastle. I had to pay for the pitchers because I bet on Zabriskie in TDG. Thanks a lot, David. After some classic seldman stories about the women of Israel and Costa Rica, they started talking politics and evolution, so I faked having to pee to go and check the talent in the other room. Goose egg. I have to avoid those conversations though, being that Tex is a lefty and I'm a righty. Ironic, being that Snake and I live in Section-8 housing in Tennessee. That's not a joke, either. But, I digress. So, 64 ounces of gatrade later, I'm hydrated and on my way back to Chattavegas. One day of downtime in my pleather desk chair writing training before Snake, Manchild and I hit the road for South Carolina. Five days of $10,000 crits from now I'll have some race reports to give you. Oh, and Snake finally came through on socks. I wear them with pride. Also, Snake told me to get you a XXXL Krystal kit for Leadville, where he's going to bend you over the mountain. That cocky sum'bitch.

Yep, sounds like fun.