More allegations against Lance Armstrong. Yippie. His former personnel assistant (read: guy who washed his underwear) is suing for breach of contact after getting shit canned. Ok, big deal so far, right? Well, Mike Anderson, the former maid, I mean "assistant" says he found a vail of "Androstenine, or something very close…" in Armstrong's apartment.

Andro? Are you kidding me? That's the best you could come up with? That shit is amateur hour. This is what the big boys use.

Let me be clear, I have not one doubt in my mind Lance Armstrong has used banned substances in his cycling career. As well as damn near everyone else in the pro peloton, I might add.

And now we're talking about the NFL too.

I was going to crack a joke about the only clean guys in the league are the kickers, but if you read the article, you'll why the joke wouldn't work. The punter for the Carolina Panthers, Todd Sauerbrun, allegedly used a testosterone cream as well as Stanozolol.

The punter for Christ's sake. If he's injecting Stanozolol, I don't know what the fuck the other King Kong looking mother fuckers are taking.

From: Matthew Subject: Lance would be proud of this sweetie whush-hush.com/1stflash/sample2.htm

Yeah, Lance and I both.

More good stuff from the same webpage: These two. I love that picture. It's got everything. She likes horses and her best friend. So BFF. Totally BFF.

And we all know how important a BFF is, now don't we?

From: C. Subject: White Power to the MAX!! I just got this forwarded to me. I'm not sure whether to keep laughing or really get nervous. newbabynews.net/hospitals/mmc1/public/mmc1birthannouncement.pl?babyID=h1-4161 Just so you can get past the shocking humor... there's this. stormfront.org/archive/t-188434Aryan_Justice.html Seriously. What The Fuck?!!?! I bet she becomes a dyke and moves to the Castro and has a half-black, half-chicano lover named Bertha or some shit. THAT would be justice.

Who the fuck names there kid "Aryan Justice"? I'm not saying there should be a law against this type of thing, but what keeps Mr. Conrad Head from naming his first born male Shit Head? Or, Mrs. Bag from naming her daughter Douche Bag?

I've got a cousin, his last name is Ball. Can he name his next child Blue Ball? I mean, where does it end?

Justice? Please. I'll give you Justice. The best we can hope for is she ends up in porn.

Not that there is anything wrong with a career in porn.

From: Chris Subject: Wonder Why Shimano Dual Shift Just Isn't catching on in the UK bike.shimano.com That's the kind o' gesture that'll get your lights punched out in any British pub.

Piss off.

Yeah, that'll go over well.

From: IF Rider Subject: NEWS! WTF....Does the world stop because a vegetable dies? Hey Jonny, Am I the only person on the planet that thinks that it is idiotic that this Terry Shievel thing has taken over the news??? I mean what the fuck??? I have spent the last week hearing about her and Johnny Cochran and have not hear one damn thing about our boys overseas fighting for their lives. I for one get so angry when the news comes on and I hear all this. I spent 10 years in the US Army so it pisses me off when it seems like the world has forgotten the ones that are out there. I am watching the Today show right now and am just in awe at this. Not one fucking word about our troops. Please anyone that sees this if I become a vegetable pull the fucking plug!!!! I better not see the shit on the news or I will be haunting someone's ass.

Well, she's kicked the can. Terry Schiavo has died. So maybe it's all finally over? And, lets not forget the people how thought it'd be a good idea to put this poor woman center stage. Yeah. The Right.

President Bush offered his condolences. "Today millions of Americans are saddened by the death of Terri Schiavo. ... I urge all those who honor Terri Schiavo to continue to work to build a culture of life where all Americans are welcomed and valued and protected."

All Americans are welcomed? Culture of life? Are we going to ban the death penalty? Start feeding the needy? Health care for all of us?

Yeah right, keep twirling hippie. And keep on praying. Maybe she really will "raise from the dead." Yep, someone actually said that. It's in this article.

Speaking of the troops, 44 dead just this month alone in Iraq. God damn that pisses me off.

And how 'bout this guy. Maybe this is what this "culture of life" shit is all about: I shot him to end his suffering. That's your story, that's what you're going with? Don't think that one is going to fly.

My man, they're going to put you in a box somewhere for a couple of years.

From: Conrad Subject: wtf? Seriously, who comes up with this crap? I'm a little disturbed, even if it's fake. If it's real then wtf? mosnews.com/news/2005/03/22/miraclesurgery.shtml

As a rule, nothing out of Russia should ever surprise you. Arguably one of the most fucked up places on the planet. Right after my house, of course. We've been doing strange things with penis over here for years.

Just don't tell the cops.

It goes both ways with the racism issues, doesn't it? If' it's wrong to discriminate on the basis of race, it's wrong all the time and every time. X cannot fire Y because Y is not X. And it doesn't matter what the x and y parts are, does it?.

Just checking.

Paul Wolfowitz confirmed as new head of World Bank. He says, "I look forward now to deepening my understanding of the challenges facing the Bank."

Deepen his understanding… Is it just me, or is it to much to expect the man running the show already has an understanding of what he's getting into? Why else give him the nod?

And does anyone not see straight through this whole sham? Putting Wolfowitz at the helm does nothing but reward an inept crony.

Jesus. Maybe I do need to write more about riding bikes. This shit is bumming me out.

Derailleur, cog sets, chain rings. Sparkle, shine, spin. See, it's working all ready.

From: Mikey D. Subject: be afraid read this shit you drunk porn freak with a biking problem ... and you thought you were fukkin nuts; well I have fukkin news for you, compared to these shitz, you're as normal as corn in a cornfield. nytimes.com/2005/03/27/magazine/327MEGACHURCH.html

Ah yes, surprise, Surprise, Arizona. What a God forsaken shithole.

Literally.

Peer to peer file sharing is bad and can only lead to one thing: raping little kids and burying them under the bleachers.

What a bunch of horse shit.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

lesbians rule   I   retarded implants   I   v is for victory

I'll start tonight off with 40 things you probably shouldn't say, but you'd damn well like to.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ....?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different.

Ah, that's much better. Try and use some of those at work today. It'll make things better, I promise. Or, if you'd rather to look at a bunch of swimsuit models?

In light of the inter-family squabbling that's spilled into the Courts and then to Congress, maybe it's a good time to link something like this Consumer's Tool Kit for Health Care Advance Planning. You know, just in case you end up needing that shit.

Right to life? Bullshit. This is about the right do die. I have the right to choose how my life ends. We all do.

Fucking pussies. When it's time to punch the clock, fuck it, I'm gonna punch it. It's my choice, and mine alone.

And you're damn right me and the missus are drawing up the paperwork on this one. I don't want any confusion, second guessing or friggin meddling Crucifix Junkies spoiling my going away party.

Culture of life, culture of death. What side are you on? What side are the Bush's on?

From: Tom W. Subject: fuckwads Just saw this mannish bitch interviewed on CNN. She is from PFLI (Pharmacists For Life International). Basically they are a group (and the group may just be this one alleged female) of pharmacists that refuse to sell birth control or morning after pills because they feel it is immoral. Feel free to hit the 'contact' link and tell them what you think of them. pfli.org/ pfli.org/main.php?pfli=contact

Yeah, that is lame. These are the people morally opposed to providing the 'morning after pill' which would allow a woman who was raped to prevent a totally unwanted pregnancy. Talk about adding insult to injury, now this woman is forced to carry some bastard child to term like some kind of draconian punishment.

If they had an actual conscience, they would never behave in the manner that they do.

Conclusion: They have no conscience. Just faith. Faith in what they're doing is right, superior and unquestionable.

And in that regard, they are a lot like me.

From: Tom S. Subject: critical mass---nyc--bullshit johnny, this nypd arresting critical mass riders stuff is bullshit....... i used to go all the time back home in Philly.... NYC's Police and Parks Departments have just issued summonses to four people associated with Critical Mass bicycle rides and are asserting that, not only are un-programmed group bike rides a crime, but so is the celebratory or other-based collecting together of more than 20 people in a park without a permit, and most chillingly, that ANNOUNCING THE LOCATION (Union Square) AND TIME (7 P.M.) OF THIS RIDE CONSTITUTES A CRIME. It is not clear at this time if publications which report this legal action as news are also committing a crime, although those listing it probably would be. Mentions of this on websites is also specifically prohibited, although conversations between consenting adults may still be allowed. If these insults to the Constitution bother you, please consider showing up in Union Square tonight, Friday March 25th on skates, feet, or bike. Express your total disgust with a City administration that continues to target and send to jail, responsible and concerned individuals, for the crime of riding a bike and living to talk about it. Are these aroused environmentalists' real offense their active opposition to the status quo, including its oversized cargo of life and injury-threatening machines? STILL WE RIDE

That reminds me, there is a critical mass coming up on NAU campus. I've never been to one of these shindigs. This one is at noon on a Thursday, so it's probably not as much fun a riding your bike around drunk at say, midnight on a Friday. But, whatever.

Hey look, Paddy White's not dead yet part 3.

From: Carson Subject: Quote o' the day Jonny - Pastor Ray Mummert, of Dover, PA, bumming on the difficulties of promoting evolution in the classroom, ""We've been attacked by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture". Maybe they can do a cross-promotion with that new Burger King sandwich.

Our good Pastor looks as though he was one of the first in line at his local Burger King when the Big Ass Breakfast Sandwich hit the heat lamps. The poor bastard. I mean, what was he supposed to do when he was attacked by the intelligent& educated people out there?

He didn't stand a snowballs chance in hell.

I think me and Big Gay Randy, and whomever else fits in my van, are going to head out to this 12 hour race in New Mexico on April 9th. This link is a .pdf event flyer. Check it out, looks like one hell of a good time.

Ah yes, we are taking the war to the enemy. Thank God for George Bush: "Members of our military are undertaking difficult missions, in some of the most dangerous and desolate parts of the world. These volunteers know the risks they face, and they know the cause they serve. As one Marine sergeant put it, "I never want my children to experience what we saw in New York, at the Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania....If we can eliminate whatever threat we can on foreign soil, I would rather do it there than have it come to us."

Well, sorta. Good luck killing all the killers. But then you'll be a killer too. Oh well, better to do it there, right? Anywhere but here. Not in my backyard. For your children's sake. What about their children.

Fuck 'em.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

what?   I   kill me   I   shit

My man Antony dropped this one on me: nuck if you buck.

I'm so out of the loop. I have absolutely no idea what's going on in pop culture, or whatever segment of hip hop culture this little gem resides in. I don't even know what "crunk" means. As the kids say these days, that song is so crunk. It crunkest. Bring the crunk. Runs with crunk. Straight dripping in crunk. My crunk runneth over.

I need a translation for this shit. Check out this Notorious BIG write up.

From: adguy Subject: two linkies O Big One, OMFG, this one is a riot...America. Fuck Yeah! cannibalthemusical.net/ta/america.htm This, however, is a film NOT by Ken Burns, all about Blackstronauts...(lookout, dial ups, 42 MB!) negrospaceprogram.com 'cuz I'm just here for your entertainment. And remember, Christ arose on the third day, so be sure and stuff yur face with chocolate and eggs. Makes sense to me...

That is one big ass download. Fuck yeah.

From: Runky Girl Subject: the truth Big Jonny, Just to keep things 100 % straight I emailed the teacher with the black wrist band. Not a LIVEWRONG bracelet but a IDIDNOTVOTE4BUSH bracelet. Not as cool but the right idea. His regret was the photo of it was too small.

I'd say the old boy is on the right track.

Check out some of the bullshit email I get every day:

From: Marsha Friedman Subject: Bill O'Reilly and Talk Radio WHAT PROBLEM DO YOU SHARE WITH ONE OF THE MOST INFLUENTIAL MEN IN TELEVISION? You're Both Fighting For Consumer Attention. Ask Bill O'Reilly (host of Fox News Channel's The O'Reilly Factor) the two words of advice he'd give someone promoting a product, service or message and he'll say: "Talk Radio." "The media can shut you down. But Talk Radio is the one beacon that allows people .... to get their message out." Bill O'Reilly faced the same problem as many companies who, like him, don't have the ad budget of a Fortune 500 company. He solved his dilemma when he discovered Talk Radio. He disclosed to Talker's Magazine the battle he fought and won to get consumer attention. "I attribute a lot of my success to Talk Radio. In the beginning, we couldn't get on Good Morning America, or the Today Show or any of that. We had to rely on Talk Radio. Elite newspapers wouldn't review the book. It was like a shut-down blackout. So we went heavy into Talk Radio and that sold the book for us. That brought it to the attention of the American public. That's why, in the second round, I'm almost exclusively doing Talk Radio." O'Reilly confirms what Event Management has advised clients for over a decade. In fact, here's feedback from one particular client who successfully uses Talk Radio as part of their marketing and sales strategy. They said, "As a result of the talk radio interviews, we've not only increased our direct sales, but stores are calling to restock their shelves and we've even obtained more distributors. In the past we've tried all kinds of marketing, advertising and public relations schemes, but this has been by far the most productive. Hiring Event Management Services is clearly the best thing our company ever did." The message is clear - whether a product, service or message - Talk Radio is one of the best PR tools in creating awareness with the American public, as it offers unbeatable benefits no other PR tool can claim.

There was a bit more to that email, but I spared you the gory details.

I like how O'Reilly says, "The media can shut you down." Asshole, you are the media. And the media is you.

Fuck Bill O'Reilly.

Seriously. Where did that email come from? You're trying to sell me your product by dropping O'Reilly's name?

Fuck that guy. He's a punk.

Got the time and money to ride across the country this summer? God damn I wish I did. Check the rides put together by the American Lung Association. Looks like fun, don't it?

Maybe, someday. After I win the lottery.

So, you say you might have sex with Jessica Simpson?

I've got two words to about that one: Grudge Fuck.

More from Phat Phree.

Or, maybe you'd like to have a go at this little monster? Some mtb festival somewhere. I can't read any of it. But, I can read the course profiles. And it sends shivers down my spine.

I just heard Jonny Cockring, I mean Cochran, died today.

I really pissed my wife off while we had dinner by saying a man like Jonny Cochran deserves to die by an inoperable brain tumor.

Well, fuck him. He didn't work to make things better in this world. He worked to make things better for himself alone.

And that is all the difference.

Jerry Falwell is in critical condition? You gotta be kidding me. What is this, sweeps week? I'm in heaven.

This is the evilest thing I've seen in a long time:Terri Schiavo's Blog.

God damn. That is just evil.

And I'm laughing my ass off.

See you all in hell.

Fuck all. Good night.

Monday, March 28, 2005

blanche   I   gigagalleries   I   nudist log

Well happy fucking Monday. I hope life gave you a swift kick in the nuts.

A lot of emails today about the new Burger King breakfast offerings. This one was the best of the rest.

From: Jess Subject: FW: count your calories Because you like to start your day with a hearty breakfast...MMMMMmmm--french toast platter....MMMmmmmm monster thickburger... A BIG breakfast at Burger King Chain debuts Enormous Omelet Sandwich with more calories, fat than a Whopper. March 28, 2005: 3:28 PM EST NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Burger King has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich that's a huge bet that not everyone is dieting. The No. 2 fast food chain debuted its Enormous Omelet Sandwich Monday. The sandwich has one sausage patty, two eggs, two American cheese slices and three strips of bacon. That works out to 730 calories and 47 grams of fat -- more than a Whopper sandwich, which the Burger King Web site said has 700 calories and 42 grams of fat. Critics were quick to spring on the latest breakfast offering. "Americans do not need an Enormous Omelet Sandwich," said Penny Kris-Etherton, a professor of nutrition at Penn State, who noted the sandwich's contents were high in fat and salt and the meal lacked fruit and fiber. "That's too many calories." According to a joint report by the Department of Agriculture and the Department of Health and Human Services, the average American female aged 19 to 50 requires 1,800 to 2,400 calories each day, depending on size and activity level. For men in the same age range, it's 2,200 to 3,000. A Burger King spokeswoman defended the giant egg sandwich, saying eating one is little different than ordering a full plate breakfast at a local dinner. "It's designed for people who like to start the day with a hearty breakfast," said Denny Post, chief product officer at Burger King. The Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's, which comes with two pancakes, who eggs, two strips of bacon and two sausage links, has 665 calories and 49 grams of fat, according to the Denny's Web site. The Fabulous French Toast Platter -- with three slices of French toast, two bacon strips and two sausage links -- contains 1261 calories and 79 grams of fat. Post said Burger King has a variety of food choices on the menu and that many of the people who liked the sandwich in focus groups were young men with active jobs. "These are not paper-pushers," she said. Post said Burger King decided to offer the enormous omelet sandwich -- which goes against current trends in the fast food industry of offering more healthy choices -- in response to customers who said they wanted a more filling breakfast. It has a suggested retail price of $2.99, or $3.49 for the value meal, which comes with fried potatoes and a coffee or juice, according to Post. The hash browns would add 230 calories and 15 grams of fat to the meal. The new sandwich comes about four months after Hardee's also bucked the "health trend" in fast food restaurants by offering a burger it dubbed the "Monster Thickburger," with 1,400 calories and 107 grams of fat. (For more on the monster burger, click here). Burger King has been privately held since it was sold by British food conglomerate Diageo to a group led by Texas Pacific Group in 2002. Hardee's is owned by CKE Restaurants (Research) of California. IN MATH TERMS, THIS TRANSLATES TO: what a bargain! that's more than 244 calories and 14 grams of fat for only a dollar!!! or if you get the VALUE meal almost 275 calories and 18 grams of fat per dollar. compare this to pbr (100 calories per dollar) and you're not getting such a good deal. however, jon just pointed out to me that no one ever drinks just 1 pbr whereas you're lucky to finish one of these new fangled gut-bombs. therefore: [12 pbrs (average friday night of drinking) x 150 calories] / $1.50 = 360 calories per dollar and the bonus....virtually no fat! now, when is burger king going to figure this out? p.s. - while searching the internet for # of calories in a pbr i discovered that there is such a thing called 'pbr extra lite' which only has 70 calories...good for the chicas that are trying to watch their figure, although not so good if you're trying to make your pennies stretch.

I love it that these girls consider an average night out to be an even dozen PBRs.

I just love it.

More on the sandwich from hell. Which, by the way, I am going to eat one of these mornings. I figure that bitch will be just perfect before a 100 miles of Saturday fuck off riding.

From: Mike Subject: Food Porn "The critics will still label it food porn," Sherri Daye Scott, editor at fast-food magazine QSR, told USA Today, which first reported the story. "But the average male fast-food customer does not have a problem with this." Kinda says it all doesn't it? Keep it real... Real fatty. And I don't mean blunts.

Yep. That says it all.

From: Smiff Subject: Moustache Party This is how I envision the mustache party... http://edsfirearms.com/poolparty.jpg

And you really owe it to yourself to check out the rest of the eds firearms webpage. I don't have any idea what it's all about, and I don't care. It's funny. And that's enough for me.

From: Richard Subject: talking to yourself Nothing wrong with talking to yourself till you ask yourself a question and then answer. Not good. Right? Right. Whoops! Got to go.

Yep. That's what I'm saying. At least, that's what the voices in my head are saying.

From: BC Subject: Masturbation I tried one of the suggestions from the "Overcumming Masturbation" site. You know the one where he suggests you put a quarter in a jar each time you overcome an urge and spend the money you save on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. That shit really helped!!!! It only took me about three hours to save enough dough to be able to get the latest installment in the Ass Masters series I've had my eye on! KEEP ON TUGGIN'!!!

Right on. Keep up the Lord's work. Or whatever it is you do.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: If you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms. If there's ever been a stranger sentence written in the English language I've yet to see it. I didn't know Tom de Lay did a sex column. I wonder if he has a tip for getting Santorum off your sheets?

Um, how 'bout burning those sheets after you wrap the body in them?

Pediatric center, pedophile center, whatever. They almost sound the same.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

candy boots   I   adrian   I   jesse

Well, happy Easter. Or, First Zombie in History Day if you prefer that.

The Squealer went off yesterday. I wonder how it went? Seems I'll be giving old Jimbo a phone call this morning. Time to get up, Jimbo.

Phone call aside, and I did wake him, the results and pictures are up at Flight of the Pigs.

I'm sorry to have missed it.

Of course drinking single malt scotch with my father today made up of most of that. There isn't much like knocking back a few glasses of God's sweet graces with your old man.

Sunday. Easter. Yee haa.

My brother in law send me this next one.

From: W.T. Subject: Bush whacking This is like a PG Annie Sprinkle segment set to euro-trash pop music. Really funny - make sure you watch the whole thing as the best parts are toward the end.

What's better than the guy in the S&M shirt?

God damn. Too drunk to type. That shoulda been a Dead Kennedy's song.

I went on a short ride this morning by my lonesome. I saw a guy with a full touring setup roll past. I thought to myself, that has got to be some cold & wet camping this time of the year. I'd be heading south to the desert. And even that would be wet.

I also saw a girl; maybe, hard to tell when someone is covered completely from head to toe with clothing, riding an old Bridgestone with moustache bars. Keeping it real.

And I almost got my fat ass ran over by some assclown in a white Chevy pickup. The sticker on the back said, "These colors don't run."

But I guess those colors will run over a cyclist, eh buddy?

I've never seen the lakes around here so full. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Later in the day, I saw folks like Big Pun, Perry & Melissa out riding. I think I should start hooking up with their group. It looks a little more fun than talking to myself.

Not that there is anything wrong with that…

Friday, March 25, 2005

veronica zemanova   I   lonnie waters   I   hello

Broken link in yesterday's post. So sue me. You still probably masturbate to much.

I wrote "have a nice Easter" at the end of an email to a buddy of mine today. He wrote back, "have a good First Zombie in History Day."

Damn. I wish I could come up with shit that funny all by myself.

From: JB Subject: ahem "Bicycling is a healthy and manly pursuit with much to recommend it, and, unlike other foolish crazes, it has not died out." -- The Daily Telegraph (1877)

Words of wisdom.

And more:

From: Mateo Subject: big fines for cyclists in Tucson Jonny, I just wanted to let the cycling community know to watch the hell out for Tucson's finest (ha!) while on your bike over the next few weeks. Apparently, they just received a big fat grant to ticket cyclists for riding at night without a headlight and/or taillight. I found out the hard way...a little prick leaped out from behind a building just as I was cruising to a stop at the corner of 4th Avenue and 6th Street (right where the Bike Swap will be held this Saturday). Even though I had a taillight, he wrote me a ticket for not having a headlight. Even though I pleaded my case pretty well for a guy that was totally baked, he said that he was out there specifically to ticket cyclists for riding without lights. I totally agree that if cyclists are to have the same rights as cars (like this will EVER happen in America, God bless my country and my big fat gas-guzzling SUV) then we have to assume the same responsibilities, and suffer the same consequences. But the ticket is $115. Ouch! So beware. Ride with a light at night. And if you don't, well then pedal like mad, and don't stop for any guys with moustaches in blue suits waving pistols. Ride On, Mateo

Fuck the man. Buy a headlight. They're cheap, and they make nice Buick repellent.

The Gnome just got back from Vegas…

From: Gnome Subject: RE: Today's pron Yo man, went to vegas to catch a Tea Expo. Here's my synopsis. I was in Vegas this past couple of days at a Tea Expo: Nothing but old ladies and fags. The evening between days, I swilled beers with a purpose in mind.... Did you ever hear about that one time? I ended up with cacti in my head and even-though I was in the middle of Tucson, not even .5 miles from our old pad, I couldn't figure out where I was. It was a combination of Hornitos and a little Mota. I wanted to revisit that. So in Vegas, I drank and drank and drank: Staying away from the Horintos though.... I became sufficiently swilled as expected. Then to the truck in the parking garage. It was there that I absorbed an appropriate level of "therapy" and noticed that the "musac" that plays everywhere in that city had become more amplified and my head was nodding appropriately. The details of humanity were emerging. I strolled back into the endless halls of the Hilton and what became a priority was that "I must make it back to my room" for only there, would I be truly safe. The emergence of that idea, and the onset of its then evident difficulty became paramount to everything but respiration. The hall that was at one point, two minutes long, now took me over 20 minutes to navigate. Occasionally, and in contrast to the fact that I was completely alone, I would erupt in uncontrollable laughter at the exact moment some old couple complete with blue-glow perms, cigarettes and Hand-bags would pass. I glanced up from my convulsions to see there eyes fixed squarely on me, an insane person wandering the halls with no apparent reason to laugh... I was "that guy". I made it back to the room I'm happy to say. I do think I would have been arrested or questioned by the police had I been in the public eye any more than I was. There is something curious about getting loaded and high in Vegas for the sole purpose of understanding that phenomena on a subconscious level. At one point, words started to not make sense and all I could pick up was their inherent noise but no meaning. fun... different.... better.

Kinda makes me wish I was there with ya. You know, for moral support.

And someone to lean on at the bar.

Lemme get this straight, "Unbeknownst to Paula, there was some minor contact between the tire of her car and another vehicle on the roadway..."

Do I have that right? She hit another car and the driver who was hit "snapped a photo with a cell phone camera and wrote down the license plate number of the car" as she drove away? And, this was all "Unbeknownst to Paula"?

I hit someone and leave, I get fucked. As a matter of fact, I know I guy right now who is facing the Courts Wrath for leaving the scene of an accident. And he only stuffed up his own car on a dirt road. He didn't hit anyone else.

She does it and gets, are you ready for this, "24 months of informal probation ... $900 in fines and... $775 for the damage..."

My man would consider himself lucky to get off so light.

From: snowicker Subject: TBAG Race Season This Monday, March 28th, we kick-start the TBAG Monday Night Race Series. This is a free, underground, mostly-legal, weekly thing in Papago Park where some of the locals get together to hammer around the trails in various configurations for a half-hour, then retire to a nearby watering hole to drink away all the physiological benefits. Meet at 6:30pm at the Splashpark on the NW corner of Mill and Rio Salado. Details available at tbag.us Bike Polo is also going strong. We're playing on Sunday afternoons at 4:30, down the street from 4-Peaks Brewery. Info and inspiration on the website. Just thought I'd keep you informed, since I know how much you like to TBAG.

Right on.

From: Mike Subject: got you have GOT to focking post this You MUST read this ... amazing!!! www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1040968,00.html these are the most boldface accusations since ol Joe McCarthy? I'm with God, and my corruption problems are a PLOT from the left???? Staggered at this man's insanity. pass it on, text like this doesn't come from God every day!

DeLay scares me. Seriously.

More on that one from Maureen Dowd.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

damn   I   devon   I   redhead for dave

The first thing I did when I got home tonight was crack open an ice cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I tipped my can in the general direction of the NAU campus, where The Future dwells. Why do I call him The Future?

Because he is just that.

Young, fast, working the ladies. And he knows where the best deal in town is on a twelve pack of PBR bottles at 19 years. The kid is going places.

And he rides a Surly.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: a fat gal's got no business telling anyone to drink slowly........ flykingfisher.com/airhostess.htm Funny story. I was wandering around old Delhi on my first trip to India just taking it all in when I spied what had to be the most beautiful girl my 23 year old eyes had ever seen. I was totally spellbound until she hiked up her skirt and pissed right there in the street........major buzzkill. Not to worry though; as it turns out there's plenty of hotter women with better manners.

I was up way to late last night building my own new Surly. I am the proud new owner of a steamroller. It is replacing my former fixed gear ride, a Ciocc.

Big Gay Randy has been calling me out hard on my desire to put gears on the Cioccie. Well, fuck, it has derailleur tabs and shift mounts. And I've got a bitch'n 8 speed Campy setup that's just begging for miles.

Take us out of this box, Jonny, take us down off the shelf. Bolt us on a bike, Jonny, we won't let you down. We're Campy and we're beautiful.

Funny how I'm building a bike around a set of wheels I scored of Nic the Dick. How does that work? You get your hands on a kick ass set of wheels, and all of the sudden that becomes a bike?

Well, around her it does.

The Steamroller is brakeless at the moment. True fixie style. And oh so fucking dangerous.

Some guys tell me, oh sure, I can stop without brakes. Brakes are for pussies and quitters. Like rehab.

Yeah. Sure. I can stop on a fixie, but it ain't pretty.

Not yet anyway. Give me a couple of weeks to remember what it's all about and stop reaching for the nonexistent brake levers, and I'll be fine.

But, seriously, skidding the rear wheel ain't maintaining control. It's all the magic in between your present speed and locking that shit up. Call it modulation, call it braking, call it whatever. That's the stuff.

The stuff I'm sorely lacking.

From: Vance Subject: Save Fantasy Island Yo Jonny! I don't know if you even open the emails I send, but if you open this one, please post it. Evidently the state portion of the mishmash of land making up Fantasy Island in Tucson is in imminent danger of being sold and developed. There is a website set up to organize efforts to stop this, savefantasyisland.org This is the closest thing to a decent quick ride this town has to offer, so any help appreciated. Thanks, fight the good fight!

Along the same lines, check this out.

From: MBAA Subject: FANTASY ISLAND FANTASY ISLAND UPDATE (Basic info provided by David Barger, Sonoran Desert Mountain Bicyclists) The issue of Fantasy Island is becoming quite heated. We feel we are making good progress with our elected officials. If MBAA members would like to be involved please start by checking out the website: savefantasyisland.org. CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE AND GET INVOLVED PUBLIC MEETING March 30, 2005; 7:00 p.m. Pima Community College East, 8181 E Irvington Road, Multi-Purpose Room

You heard it. Get involved.

Besides, what else you got to do on a Friday night?

That's right. You ain't got shit to do.

You fucking loser.

You probably masturbate to much.

From: Dave Subject: The Towle Files The Towle Files Makes the Jump to the Internet This Week's Segment Features Mark McCormack This week's The Towle Files audio cast features an interview with 2003 USPRO Champion Mark McCormack, as well as segments with McCormack's Colavita Sutter Home teammates Aaron Olson and Juan Jose Haedo. The Towle Files host Dave Towle is on a fast track to cycling stardom. The cycling world already widely considers Towle as North America's premier cycling race announcer. As reported in an interview published in the January, 2005 issue of VeloNews, Towle got his start as a race announcer at the legendary Saturn Cycling Classic in Colorado in 2002. From there Towle went on to host his own weekly web radio show, the Winner's Circle, on AdventureRadio.com, provide color commentary for the CapTech Classic on Fox Sports Net, and announce countless cycling events. Demand for Towle's services continues to escalate, but you can still see and hear him at some of the top events throughout the United States, including the Sea Otter Classic, the CapTech Classic, the Park City Cycling Fest, the Tour de Georgia, the USPRO Championships, and many others. "Dave is one of the most knowledgeable and charismatic cycling guys in the country and his enthusiasm for the sport and his rapport with the athletes enable him to capture some fantastic interviews," said Tim Miller, whose CapTech Classic web site is hosting the segments. "We are thrilled that Dave is doing this with us." Dave will continue to interview the sport's insiders - past, present and future - as he traverses the countryside throughout the season. You can listen to The Towle Files at captechclassic.com. Be sure to turn in each week as we post new material.

Sounds good to me.

Hey, nice pun fat ass.

I should have posted this yesterday. But, instead I was out in the garage lacing up a new wheel and pulling parts out of bins to build up a new bike. Ah, my life is so hard.

From: Joe Subject: Drunken cyclist OGDEN, Ark. - An allegedly drunken bicyclist wound up getting a ride to jail after a state trooper saw him take a clumsy spill at a state highway intersection. Don Evans, 46, was riding where U.S. 71 and Grand Street intersect early Saturday when he fell from his mountain bike onto the highway pavement. Trooper Jamie Gravier was about 50 feet away. "He was pedaling through the intersection of Highway 71 at the Grand Street crossover and fell off the bike. The pedals kept hitting the kick stand and he couldn't keep it up. He was in the middle of the southbound lanes of traffic," Gravier said. "I saw it happen and thought 'Lord, don't let someone come around the curve.' I turned on the emergency lights and positioned the car to warn motorists. Fortunately nobody was coming or he would have been run over," Gravier said. Gravier took the man to the hospital, where he was treated and released. He was then taken to the jail and charged with public intoxication.

I should sponsor that guy.

From: nick d. Subject: get dressed some women should stay dressed canal96.com/extra/strange/wwbeauty

Well, they all ain't bad. Just most. Over half.

Think of the 48% of them that are just fine.

From: Conrad Subject: FUCKING STRIPED SHIRT GUYS thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=11&StoryID=239&Layout YOU KNOW THE TYPE

Yes, yes I do. In fact, that man has a name. And it starts with Blow Dry.

You know the rest.

And just when I thought I was all bad ass and shit on my fixed gear… I get this:<>

From: Subject: For the times when even fixed gear is too much machine: milkandcookies.com/links/27787 It's a big movie. Freeride Unicycle.

Damn.

That boy is fucking sick. BGR is into that type of shit, he's always ahead of the curve. Damn. I had to watch it twice just to believe it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

smokin   I   god damn   I   lia

This male/shemale quiz looks awfully familiar, like I've taken it before. Didn't stop me from missing one. Damn. I think I need new glasses…

A little something on the Pro Cycling Tour. That little something happens to be the "Definitive All Professional Road Cycling Series In America" in case you were wondering. And, hey, look at that, Gord made the list.

Good looking out.

I am so gonna beat off to this.

From: PZ Subject: Races & Whiskee bottles Yes. Did my first race this past Sunday. Been riding a lot - 5 hours total on Sunday. Rode to the race and took 2nd then rode home. Had to ride Alicia's bike (which is way too small) cus some fuckstik threw a bottle at me Friday night and broke my 3 week old Carbon Orbea frame. It was a very cool bike. Smashed the rear seat stay and it can't be repaired. $1600 down the tubes. Guess I should be happy it didn't hit me in the head. Would have killed me. Had 5 or 6 cuts on my ankles but that was it. Glass all over the road. Cops came and took pics and filed a report. No luck right now finding the asshole but still looking. Have a few weak leads but I'm sure it will never amount to anything. We'll see.

Looks like everyone is getting back into racing. I'm proud to say I've already got that first one under my belt. What was it Tex used to tell me, it's good to get that first one done so you know where you are?

How's fat, drunk and stupid sound, Tex? Think you can CTS me outta this rut?

I'm quite sure you haven't the time or desire. And I'd call that bull talk from a one eyed fat man.

A good write up on the Terri Schiavo case from Talking Points Memo. Pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

Monday, March 21, 2005

er, hi   I   wtf?   I   redhead for dave

Ok, this gallery, third pic, guy in the background. What the fuck?

He looks like a deer in the headlights.

Poor bastard probably just wants his mommy.

From: Mike Subject: ask you ask for a fukking beer on a plane and they kill you what the fukk have the "Friendly Skies" become? edition.cnn.com/2005/US/03/21/passenger.death.ap/index.html

I swear to God that was the plot line of some crappy tv show I saw once. The show, and this is the only time I've ever watched an episode, is called CSI. And the episode is called unfriendly skies.

Freaky.

And the rumor is that show was based on a real event. Beats me what that real event was. I'm surprised I pulled the CSI reference out of my ass.

A conservative case against capitol punishment.

From: zeke Subject: Evil places 2nd This past weekend at the Spoke Pony Showdown 3/6 race the 6 hour duo team "Phat & Evil" placed 2nd. The duo consisting of Scott Cotter (of the now defunct ridephat.com) and zeke (evilcycling.com) went in to the race intending to "enjoy the ride and have a good time". That good time resulted in 2nd place finish that wowed both members of the team. "Not too bad for two fat guys that didn't intend to race." zeke was overheard to say. Fellow Evil Dennis Grelk (see pic on evil main page about half way down with Scaple and trophies) was also on hand for this event. He raced the 6 hour solo and placed 6th for his days efforts. Dennis was supposedly taking place in a crit race on Sunday wearing the all blacks. After the 6 hour when asked if he was still racing the next day the exhausted but happy Dennis said "Well, I don't know, but I have a 5 hour drive home to think about it." For full results and pics of the Spoke Pony 3/6 see heartlandrace.com, the pics and results should be up in the next couple of days.

Good looking out, fellas. You make me proud.

From: Doug Subject: Hey there. I'm the guy who bit it @ the 24hour race. I was told of your site from a guy at Supergo here in Tucson, when I asked about his livewrong bracelet. So I came and started reading and looking around in the archives and when I got back to the 24 hour race and how you were having a hard time with your cleat and was hating life I was like holy shit... that was me, wearing the tarp after the wreck ( it wasn't a tarp, it was one of those space blankets) Anyway, I went over my bars and dislocated my shoulder and hurt my back and stuff. But I thought it was pretty cool to read about it from another riders perspective, so I want to get a livewrong bracelet, and your site is pretty cool... are you doing the whiskey ride in prescott? we have a pretty strong team hopefully I can stay on my bike. so hope to hear from you again, small world.

God damn brother, I'm glad to meet you on the other side! That was one hell of a night. And I mean it was one hell of a night. Jesus Christ, what a fucking trainwreck. I still haven't even tried to get my bike working again after that lap I met you on. It's hanging on a hook down in the garage at this very moment.

The poor bastard.

I'll be in Prescott. I'll get the first round.

And, folks, you can get take care of your Live Wrong needs over at livewrong.net.

Some feedback on my bar tour 'cross the pond.

From: Richard Subject: bars-beers-continous flow "One thing of note, in American bars, when they are as busy as that place got towards the end of the night, the kegs going to have to be changed out a few times. In that bar, they kept pulling beers off one lone tap handle and I never saw anyone change anything." I owned a bar here in PA for 17 years. We had a walk-in cooler in the basement. We daisy-chained the kegs together, so on a big night we didn't have to change kegs. That is how it is done. Maybe you should spend more time in bars drinking beer. You'll learn more. Cheers, Richard

Well, kick me in horse shit and call me smelly. I had no idea how they did that.

Down at the establishment I'm known to frequent, they do nothing of the sort. One keg, one tap, one chance. When the well runs dry, the girls muscle a fresh one out of the cooler.

And don't bother asking to help carry that big son of a bitch. It's a pride thing, I suppose. They'd just rather do it themselves, thank you very much.

Ever hear of a conservative punk?

Well, I hadn't either. And I kinda wish I hadn't. The whole thing smells of fraud.

Who are these guys trying to kid? Punk rock and right wing politics? Dude, give it up. We all know you have a job in a cubicle somewhere and a really small penis.

The only thing punk you are is a punk ass bitch.

Stop frontin'.

From: Pat in Arkansas Subject: Present Shit I am getting more than disappointed at my Republican Brethren. The present plan of privatizing social security is not the Bush plan. It is the Wall Street Plan. They want a piece of the cash that comes out of everyones paycheck. (Forget that they have screwed us every chance they have gotten)Couple that with the tightening of Bankruptcy laws, God forbid some sick old lady unloads her medical bills, or some father of 3 files after his wife dies of breast cancer and his insurance has a cap. Yeah the average guy could not help if he can't pay say 600k. Our problem with not only this admin but the previous one is that large corporate donors or groups that can deliver votes like the evangelical idiots, can push their private agendas over the public good. Where is the honest man? It was Nancy Reagan who just said no. Why can't we say no to the credit card companies and keep the present bankruptcy laws. We had an institution in America before them, it was called the great depression. Save social security by increasing the SSN tax by 2% half to the employee, and half to the employer. I make a sizable payroll every week, and I will do it. Finally let the lady in Florida die. My father just passed away, and we did not stick tubes down his throat or degrade him. He was a honorable man, and we wanted him to pass that way. He did his job, and God did his.

I'm feeling ya. I'm waiting for the big split in the Republican party. High time the Right Wing Ditto Heads got yarded for some fiscal conservatism and common sense. It's a split a bit like the one in the Democratic party that's been rolling down the road since November. Pretend centrists like Lieberman need to get shown the door, and lets try to remember what it means to be Democrat.

Lets shake the tree and see what falls out.

And I am a big softy apparently.

From: Jason Subject: gee-suss blow job jumping christ. hand over fist... ...and i'm not talking about the liquored up, free crack on the taxpayers money fueled party after a political conference here in blighty either. oh no. this is about respect and the points of which you're losing, not only that but HOW you're losing them. i mean please - i see these people that actually, well, know you mailing in and berating you for not riding or drinking or both and then the girls started doing it too which is pretty harsh...but i can't talk as i'm certainly one of the gutless weasels of the world who rides much less than he should. however. 8 hours. you have to go 8 hours on a plane and there are tears before bedtime? whatthefuckisthatallabout? ok so you had to spend 8 hours on a plane to get to the uk (i grant you this makes it slightly worse) but please. come back and see me when you've flown from the uk to new zealand. not australia. new. zealand. now that is truly a bitch. the plane has to refuel, it can't get there on one pussy little tank like your poncy puddle jump to cold wet miserable britain. so granted you do get to unfold and phone your chiropractor from hong kong or singapore but usually only for enough time to spend faaaaaar too much in the ohmygodtheyhaveallthisnewtechnology shops, marvel at how far starbucks and macdonalds have spread and how they really are the same everywhere then get back in the slot for another thirteen hours or so. it's a day. with the time differences which are just mind warpingly large, it's a 24 hour flight. twenty four. two. four. lets see, my rudimentary maths suggests that might be oh i don't know, the answer to what is three times eight? so as i'm sure you've heard before, suck it up, don't be such a pussy and deal with it! oh and once again, thanks for the work on the site and the constant (reasonably) good quality porn.

Damn.

From: Three Cat Zoo Subject: She actually told me to "drink slowly". Here's one for you, "loose weight" Dour middle-aged flight attendants are the bane of my existence. What the fuck happened to all of the hot younger women? It's not like they can make money flashing their junk for the camera or anything....

You know, I seem to have missed the Hot Chicks Only period of air travel. Now, all I get is used up angry whores who won't dole out the free booze like they're supposed to.

For fucks sake, just throw me a few drinks, I'll shut up and fall asleep. I'm not asking for the fucking world here.

Or course, these days they'll fucking kill you if you want another beer. All the more reason to travel with a flask.

Or two.

Think Boy Scouts: Be Prepared.

One more and I gotta pack it in.

From: Jeff Subject: your trip to "the continent" Dude, I feel ya. I live in Barcelona, and variously have lived in Germany and England over the last 10 years...so I have taken the hop across the pond a lot. Your description is friggin' funny as hell, and accurate. Nothing worse than the Memphis stop, you get nothing but the "best" middle America can offer there. The best part is that you then realize to your horror, that these are the same people who will be doing exactly the same stupid shit all through out Europe making it impossible to be a normal American with out taking shit all the time. What's worse is that these "mass" challenged people have no common courtesy. Thank yourself that you weren't stuck sitting next to DD Orca freakshow, because I will tell you that on a full flight, next to something like that, you will end up ready to A) kill the whore, B) spend the next 10 years at the Chiropractor (read guy who does messages but charges a lot more, and has no "happy ending" option.) and C) give up any and all state secrets from the torture you just endured for 8 hours. Here is one piece of advise. Get up, go to the Galley and ask for more booze...you can do it. We sometimes just stand right by that area and drink and ask for more, and drink and ask for more, and drink and then just take more. You paid for it, drink it Damn IT!! thanks for keeping me entertained

Thanks for the advice. The next time I'll be carrying on a quart of rum. And when that gets a little light, I'll hit up the galley.

Thanks for playing everyone.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

in the greenhouse?   I   ho hum   I   beach time

The Gnome sent me this one. Total eclipse of the heart. I have no fucking idea…

Well, happy Sunday anyway.

Its all about communication skills.

Check out how my man Paddy is doing. He ain't dead yet.

Lets go straight to the mail.

From: Mark Subject: Howdy, I wanted to share this with you and your readers, it's pretty funny and I thought you would appreciate it. retarius.blogspot.com/2005/03/three-flee-freely.html also, same site, this is kind of funny as well retarius.blogspot.com/2005/02/hey-kids.html

That second one looks like what I'll be making for dinner tomorrow night. Can I call it the Quiche of Sorrow?

From: Matt G. Subject: More Livestrong Porn Sit back, and relax as this socially conscious dude rams his stuff into the big-tittied asian. wannawatch.com/hosted/index.php?wsc/swpro/mrchewsasianbeaver_mov38

Ain't it just great.

Now, who said what.

I got an update from Jimbo on just what that big obnoxious woman was devouring next to him on the flight to Amsterdam.

From: Jimbo Subject: RE: RE: bb That dough-covered sausage ball was some Vietnamese thing that her friend had given her. In fact, she had 2 of them. It was hysterical when the skinny oriental girl came back and asked the whale where the snausages were and the response was, "They're gone. You only gave me two." I think the skinny girl was abhorred that she had devoured them all. I cannot wait for your further postings. At this rate, it will take a couple years until you get through all 6 days.

Yeah, I'm really coming along.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

alba is hot   I   nadia   I   hello girls

Back in town with my head stuffed totally up my own ass. Clouds low in the sky, as if I could reach out and touch them. Just like they have been in all the different places I've been in the last ten days. Amsterdam, cold and raining. Return to Arizona to six inches of snow. Leave for Savannah, cold and raining. Return to Arizona to more snow. At least it's warm enough today to keep it from sticking. It melts as soon as it hits the ground.

It may as well be raining.

And so much for getting online while I was in Savannah. Seems I expect a little to much out of the hotels I stay in. Come to think of it, two nights there and the second I didn't so much as turn back the sheets. Second time I've pulled an all nighter in less than a week.

Grim business, these all night jaunts. But if you're leaving for the airport at 4:00 am for a 6:00 am flight, there isn't much sense in trying to get a good nights sleep. You are fucked from the word go. Just get on with it.

We can all sleep when we're dead.

Read this over at SFGate.com.

I'm not sure I can find the words to say how strongly I disagree with Justice Scalia on damn near every issue. As far as I'm concerned, he is one of the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse with Rehnquist and Thomas rounding out the group.

I know there is supposed to be four horsemen, but I can't really group any of the other Justice's with those fruitcakes. They really do stand out on there own, don't they?

Anyway, try to see if you can follow the convoluted argument put forth by this dangerous and powerful man as he comments on the Courts recent 5-4 ruling against the juvenile death penalty. And don't miss the part at the end of the article where Scalia would not tolerate a reporter recording his remarks last year in Mississippi. Yeah, gotta love that in your leaders.

Like it or not, he is one of our leaders.

Till he dies.

Great.

How many other country's execute juveniles? Four. And they are, in no particular order, Iran, Pakistan, China and Saudi Arabia.

A real bunch of fucking sweethearts, that bunch.

From: Pete Subject: The Five Things Every Democrat Should Know About Social Security 1. The goal of Social Security is to keep people out of poverty. It used to be that when you got old, you got poor. Social Security is not going to make you rich, but it's not going to leave you poor either. That's the point. Is it sexy? No. But don't lose sight of how important a guaranteed "safety net" is for everyone's well-being, especially older folks. 2. Social Security works. Social Security has cut elderly poverty by two-thirds. About two-thirds of retirees rely on Social Security for more than half of their income. One-third of them rely on it for 90% or more of their income. If Social Security checks stopped going out today, 48% of elderly Americans would immediately be thrown into poverty. 3. Right now, the very future of Social Security is at stake. Republicans say they actually want to save Social Security. Don't believe it. They've never truly believed in the concept behind Social Security. They don't like sharing risk over large groups of people. Their attitude is basically, "Let the rich people ignore it, provide incentives for young and healthy people to get out if it, and let the poor and the sick fend for themselves." 4. George Bush's plan for Social Security won't work. Privatizing Social Security will require as much as a 40% cut in benefits. It will increase the deficit by $2 TRILLION. And it won't extend the life of the trust fund or make the program any more solvent. Three strikes and you're out. 5. There are better plans that will protect Social Security for generations. Very smart people have proposed a number of reforms to Social Security that don't require a cut in benefits or spending $2 TRILLION we don't have. Some combination of these sensible, measured reforms can make sure Social Security lasts for many generations to come. Doesn't that seem more reasonable than Bush's reckless privatization scheme that won't work?

Fun stuff. I'd call it five things everyone, not just Democrats, should know about Social Security. The whole thing just kinda makes you want to piss on the bastard, know what I mean?

Pettachi wins Milan-San Remo. Read all about it at velonews.com and cyclingnews.com

From: P. Subject: Angry Rant As a voting American I am pissed at what our congress is doing with their time. Don't the members of Congress have better things to do than worry about one vegetated women in Florida. Why would a member of congress intervene with Terri Schiavo, and the husband's right to let his sick wife die? Secondly, what the hell is congress doing investigating steroids in Baseball? Shouldn't these elected officials be balancing a budget or trying to figure out a way to create or protect jobs? My God Americans wake up; our elected officials are worthless sacks of manure. They are skirting the issues and not doing their jobs.

Right on.

From: Alex Subject: rocking the airport rant... ...seems to bring out the bastard in all of us. Do I get credit for being your muse with this piece geocities.com/milktrout/airport.html you posted back two years or so? Rock on. Alex in Bermuda

If you didn't, you should.

And this is as good as a time as any to start writing about Amsterdam again.

Seems I'm a little blurry on most of it after a blitz trip to Savannah.

Go figure.

The first day was one long blur of fun. Arrived at something like 11:00 am local time. Midday. Good time to catch a buzz. Walked around looking at things. Seems to be a lot of things to look at in Amsterdam.

Not much worth mentioning really. The Metro, crazy three and four story buildings, canals and cobbles streets. And the most beautiful women I've ever seen. The usual stuff. Ho hum.

It went a little something like this:

At 10:00 pm. the band started to play. I didn't really know it was ten, it's just something I heard mentioned somewhere along the way. I've kept my watch on Arizona time in some confused show of defiance.

& my will is breaking.

Two saxophones, stand up bass and a drummer at the end of a long tunnel. The bar felt as if it was ten feet wide. I'm sure it was at least eleven.

Poor liquor selection, shit actually. But they did have what seemed to be a never ending supply of Heineken on tap.

One thing of note, in American bars, when they are as busy as that place got towards the end of the night, the kegs going to have to be changed out a few times. In that bar, they kept pulling beers off one lone tap handle and I never saw anyone change anything.

I have no idea how that worked. Maybe the whole thing is run by some subterranean elves running a garden hose straight over to the Heineken brewery, or some shit like that. How the hell do I know? As long as the beer keeps flowing, I'm not sure I care.

I am sitting at a window on the fourth floor of the Park Hotel. I cannot pronounce the name of the street below me. Or course, I can't pronounce any of these streets. The only part I've figured out is "straat" is "street".

I'm a genius, I know.

Jimbo and Senator Hiles are asleep behind me. I am in a small padded chair at a broad flat window. The city is below me, and this city does not sleep. People are going to work on their bicycles.

Everyone knows this is a city of bikes. But to see rush hour traffic is something else. Amazing. Simply amazing.

They handle their bikes with an ease & grace not seen in the states. Come to think of it, everything here is handled with and ease & grace not seen in the states.

I haven't been this hung over and poised to begin another round of self punishment since Ragbrai a few years ago.

Cheating time by turning back the clock eight hours as we flew here did me no favors in the end. I would have eight less hours of booze in me, and perhaps not feel quite as bad if this were normal. But maybe I'd feel worse. One can never really know. After all, normalcy is well behind us at this point.

And, as we all know, normalcy is overrated.

I have been watching the cyclists negotiate an intersection in the bike lane just down the road from my vantage point. It is absolutely amazing. A four way intersection, with people coming into it as a speed you would not see in America, crossing, merging, turning left & right, with, across, together. And continuing on without incident.

I've seen young ladies, riding two by two, chatting amongst themselves, corning into a crowd, never missing a pedal stroke.

You just don't see that where I live. These people must literally grow up on the bike to have that level of comfort and confidence.

I'm a little jealous.

The floor is uneven beneath the carpet. I'm not sure what's going on down there. Like a lot of things about this hotel room it is questionable. We're paid up for a few nights. So as long as don't get our asses thrown the fuck out, this will be fine.

Today we are going to rent bikes & check out a few museums. They have both in droves here apparently.

And I am looking forward to it very much.

One thing I keep thinking over and over; I can see now why some people travel so much. There really is so much to this world.

  Later that same night…

Feeling like I could drink more & wishing that I drank less.

A very large man with a cigarette just asked me "What are you doing?"

I told him, "Just writing."

He kept leaning over me with his cigarette. For all I know, that cigarette was his best friend in the world. I added, "That's what I do. I write."

It somehow seemed appropriate at the time.

He said, "Ok" and left me alone.

"Ladies & Gentleman: It's the Ultimate Sex Scene with Nicole!"

We'll see, I suppose. She dances and moves with a third of the enthusiasm I've witnessed at Flagstaffs sole strip club, and I don't even bother to go back there anymore. The minutes pass like days. The crowd cheers and the curtain closes as Nicole waves goodbye. She does a full split on a sofa and is gone.

Dear God, what have I signed on for?

Now, a black couple is making out clumsily on stage. Glass breaks behind me and not one notices. I'm too bored with what passed for entertainment in this place and I watch Cigarette Man escort my clumsy friend out of the theater.

Back to the action. A heavily muscled man performing oral on his partner who is wearing while 80's era fuck me pumps. This is like the glory days of porn gone by, well, without the feeling. She switches to orally pleasing him. This, on my last 30 Euro.

I can get more Euro later, but she'll still be a trainwreck. Fuck ya'll.

She look on in glazed disinterest as homeboy spread the lube on generously. Well, I suppose she's quite naturally lubricated with all the excitement in this place. He starts hammering away wildly in time with the music. He's on his knees, his toes, then one leg. Then the other.

I will say this, he appears to be getting one hell of an ab workout. Perhaps it is the secret to his lean physique?

I don't know watching people have sex could be so fucking boring.

Amsterdam has been pretty fun to this point. But I'll he damned it John D and Mrs. Black Diamond weren't the most uninspired lovers I've ever seen.

Oh, Good. The banana show. I'm already quite sure this is going to fucking suck.

I've seen move energetic strippers working the day shift in a Central Phoenix strip club. And more drug abuse as well.

The girl on stage is asking for 5 volunteers. Actually, the MC is doing the requesting. The girl on stage is standing there looking every bit the part of a junky trying to make a few bucks.

Five volunteers for "The Jungle".

I simply cannot wait to find out what "The Jungle" is all about. I'm half tempted to go up on stage. For two reasons. First, I'm bored stupid. Two, they've been looking for volunteers for what feels like a week and a half. If I walk up there, maybe this pain will end.

No, too late. They're going to do it with two. Well boys, more for you I suppose.

Good thing too, as a rather large man is now on stage in a big furry Gorilla suit complete with a rubber dick hanging off the front. And, man, is he aroused.

Too bad Mr. John D. couldn't get past the ¾ erect mark. He should get some of what this Gorilla uses. You could dent a car with that thing.

Thank God I'm not in the front row as Mr. Monkey just sprayed shit all over those poor bastards in the audience. So much for getting close to the action. I'm happy back here, thank you very much.

What a pain in the ass.

All of my associates are stoned out of their minds. I just have a contact buzz headache & I'm pissed the fuck off. That last bar we went to was a place called Teasers. My advice is to avoid it at all costs. It sucked. What I'm pissed about is that I every wasted my time going there.

It had been highly recommended by a guy we met last night. He works, or so he says, as a bartender in Las Vegas. So we thought he would know a good time from a kick in the nuts.

Lesson learned. He doesn't.

Next act. I have never been so bored viewing the act of cunnilingus. A big part of that could be the fact that Phil Collins is being played at maximum volume as an accompaniment to this odd & dangerous lovemaking.

Some surprisingly attractive women are filing out of this stinking shithole. Who knew they were even here. This place is as dark as one would expect, and I can decern little of the features of those seated in front of me. I'm about half way back, sitting at the isle. The floor is sticky, and I'm afraid to touch anything. The music changed to something I'd swear was Paul Oakenfold. Whatever it was, it made a difference.

The curtains close again. Ugly sex with no money shot or perceived enjoyment. Just mechanically going through the motions in some never ending emotionless waltz.

What a job to have.

Jimbo is having the time of his life. Well probably not really. He's just a bit more hammered than myself. He's farther forward than I am, in fact, he moved to the front row not long ago. The hash he been enjoying has made up for what is sorely lacking in this place: Actual entertainment.

And I wonder how much fun it was up there when that doochebag in the Gorilla suit sprayed God knows what all over the first three rows. Fuck that.

Of course, it was nothing like the mayhem one can expect at the average GWAR show. Now that is the Gallager of rock shows. Bring a raincoat, maybe even a change of clothes.

I finally got my cocktail. I asked for a Jack & Coke. I got a Coke & Ice.

Fuck you very much.

Tomorrow I'm eating some fucking mushrooms. It'll be cheaper than the booze.

The third guy I'm about to watch have sex looks young and uncomfortable. He must be new to this gig. I wonder how long he'll stay at it? How long does anyone stay at this? Is there a lot of turnover? Does one do this kind of thing for a week? A year?

So many questions. And only a glass of fucking soda to keep me company.

Kiss, cunnilingus, fellatio, intercourse. All without orgasm by either party. Talk about the daily grind. These poor bastards roll through the same boring sex act over and over again. There are sever different acts, each one five to six minutes in length. The curtain closed for a minute or two between shows. It just leads one to another like that over and over again.

I'm a few rows down from the entrance. About half way down towards the stage, as I already mentioned. I couldn't think of being any closer. My nearsightedness is working to my favor. Without my glasses, the spectacle in front of me is distorted just to the point of making me think these people are attractive.

Think of it as cheap airbrushing. Smooth over the details, most of 'em are faults anyway.

It has occurred to me that my drink is the ugly opposite of a midwestern cocktail in the U.S. A drink from the Midwest is straight gasoline; the type of shit you could run your car on. A whole lotta booze, and a splash of coke for color. What I have in my hand at the moment is a fucking joke. It came complete with a plastic swizzle stick and two straws.

A dancing girl came up to me and snapped her stocking against her thigh. I looked at her. She said, "Yeah, it's a pleasure to do this."

Mrs. Havana, as I later learned she is called, continued to stare at me and demanded, "What are you writing?"

"What I always write." I told her.

"And what is that!"

I'm at a loss. Do I tell he I write, what? What's funny? I write Hallmark greeting cards? I write cookbooks? Porn movie reviews? That its fun to do this?

"Stories." I tell her, realizing it just doesn't fucking matter what I say. I'm bored and she's pissed. And ain't nothing going to change it.

She sneers and leaves me for the stage. Her with her stockings and me with my lame drink.

I walk out into the night, wondering what else Amsterdam has to offer a man who writes stories.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

veronica zemanova   I   redhead for dave   I   redhead for me

5:53 pm
(all times Arizona)
Sitting on some big ass plane in stupid redneck Memphis Tennessee. International airport even. No shit. This airport sucks a mile of cock.

I'm up against the window with Senator Hiles, the Coug, pressing the flesh next to me. We thought we'd run around introducing him a John "Cougar" Melloncamp trying his damndest to detox in Amsterdam. He does look the part. That joke quickly feel away to calling him future Senator Hiles, the man that's going to knock J.D. Hayworth out of the box.

Hayworth is the man once voted the dimmest bulb on the hill.

Some big titted blond bimbo is sitting just behind us and off to the left. I say this not as a cut on women. Trust me ladies, you'd only have to listen to this fat trainwreck for half a minute before you dreaded 8 hours on a plane with this horse faced jackass sitting any where near you. She is arguing with her mother, four rows ahead, about where they are going to sit. Or rather, why blondie is four rows back. Because, are you ready for this, because she's tired and wants to lay down.

Here's a fucking idea, why not sit where your ticket says you should? We're all tired. And we all want to lay down. But we can't. Because this is a plane, and these are seats. Where you sit. Ah, fuck it.

Oh my. Large breasts on a woman speaking German. Are those things real? Can she even see her shoes with those? Jesus. They swing past Cougs head. They could have killed him.

The end game now is to try and anticipate how the seats will fill, to find the empty row to lay in. The aforementioned bimbo is getting cozy in her seemingly open row. Of course, passengers are still boarding, so it's anyone's guess how this works out.

I'm smashed up against the Coug in a two seat row along the side of the plane. We're fucked. The action is in the middle rows that are five seats across. Right now Jimbo is looking pretty damn good.

The Coug elbows me. Starr Jones, or a transvestite that looks a lot like her, is cramming her fat ass down the isle, straining her way towards us. And towards Jimbo's open row.

We giggle like school girls, oh please, oh please.

Jimbo ducks the bullet by one row.

That giant woman squeezed in the row in back of him. And one seat over. Lucky him. If she had been directly behind his seat, he wouldn't be able to recline.

She is that big.

Now the biggest boobs on the plane, attached to a sloppy blond trainwreck, all of maybe 23 years old, oh, the years will not be kind sister, has given up on the row she thought she had to herself and moved up to Jimbo's row. Well, I guess he won't be doing anything with those empty seats now.

Jimbo is reading Market Place. Maybe he's trying to look smart for Suzie Double D.

I think if you could read the back of a box of macaroni she'd be impressed. Or if you just handed her an entire pizza as an appetizer.

I took one look at that chick and told the Coug two words: Back pain.

Jimbo is missing the opening gambit as the guy on the other side of the row, on the isle, it chatting up Suzie Double D. I think she is perhaps retarded. She has three seats to herself, or at least she's staking a claim by laying out all of her stuff on them. What is that, a white plastic garbage bag?

And it's full of food? You gotta be fucking kidding me. She diving in, and she comes up with, a, a, giant sausage sandwich?

What the fuck?

And man, can she eat.

I am going to Europe for the first time. At 34 years old. Funny. I am quite sure I will find I like it a great deal & probably never want to come back.

Fuck this side of the pond.

I signed on, or whatever you call it for the airline, checked in, yeah that. Last night. And I printed out my boarding pass. But this morning I left it sitting in the printer. So I had to wait in line this morning just to get a duplicate. Good looking out.

This by far is the biggest airplane I have ever been on. I have no idea what it is, some Airbus thing. I think it seats over 300. This thing is huge. Nine rows across, with two isles. Two seats, five, then two more.

Absolutely fucking huge.

They tell me the booze is comped on these motherfuckers. Goddamn. I hope so. It'll be like putting the hurt on an all you can eat buffet. Sit here for hours with all the booze I can drink? Shit.

The stewardess, at least most of them on this plane, are some big 'ol fat people. I just got my headphones. Ought to be nice for the movies. I think she is actually going down the isle sideways.

It is a grim site to behold.

We are getting ready to finally leave Memphis. Fuck it. I'm ready to get out of here. I just had one of the worst meals of my life in this airport. And I'm sobering up just sitting here. The plane took for fucking ever to get underway.

This is going to be an eight hour flight. Can you dig that, eight hours? That sounds a bit to much like a job for this old boy.

That is just stupid long.

I'm used to bilingual shit from living in Arizona. But that's all about Spanish. All you have to say is "bilingual" and people automatically think "Spanish".

But on this plane, tonight, bilingual means something far different. The safety video (I think) was just in German. Not that I have any idea. I can't even speak English all that well. How the hell should I know about anything else?

7:44 pm
Fumbling around in the darkened cabin for my notebook, my face pressed up against the seat in front of me. Finding the pen in the bottom of my messenger bag was a fucking ordeal.

I've been thumbing through some book I picked up somewhere called the "Hemingway Reader". It is as one would expect, a collection of short stories and chapters from larger novels. At some 400 pages, there is an awful lot in here. And I've been drinking. The stewardess is treating the booze cart like her own personnel liquor cabinet. She actually told me to "drink slowly".

Here's one for you, "loose weight".

My man the Coug looked at me and said, "That was good. And now its gone" as he knocked around a few ice cubes in his empty plastic cup. I know the feeling all to well. I too am dry. I look down at my own empty cup, and up at the Ice Queen of the Skies waddling up the isle away from me with all that free booze.

Jesus, it'll be an hour before she makes it back down this way.

Glancing, drooling, staring up the cabin. In from of me, some weird video of gags, pranks, stunts is being projected in two large screens. I can't even bear to listen, but I can't avoid seeing it splayed out across that immense screen. There simply is nowhere else for my eyes to go.

This is the same shit I saw on a flight to Atlanta not two months ago. Same program, same episode. Same everything. And it sucked then.

I could just kill myself.

Senator Hiles had decided to take a nap with his head against the seat in front of him. Better than on my shoulder I suppose.

He looks like me trying to get at my pen and paper.

The poor uncomfortable bastard.

8:07 pm
Looking down I see a town. I don't have any idea what I'm looking at. I only briefly glanced at the flight path drawn out in some magazine early today. Yep, up and over and way over there.

The streets are laid out with yellow lights making bright globes at set intervals in a grid. It always reminds me looking down at a Pac Man video game. I wish I could steer something around and gobble up the lights of that town.

I've got a quarter or two…

8:59 pm
Convinced Jimbo to fetch is flask brimming with vodka out of the overhead compartment as the "free" booze up in this bitch is woefully inadequate for buzz maintenance.

I'd rather just pay and actually get a steady supply of booze delivered to my tiny little space up against the night sky.

Hey, vodka on the rocks ain't all bad, now is it?

And it's a good thing I got a few sample bottles out of Fitty before I left town. All my life I have relied on the kindness of strangers…

The planes largest breasts, securely fastened to Orca over there, are sprawled out over three seats next to Jimbo. She has was appear to be feet up against the poor boy. I can't tell for certain, but my guess is that that bitch is snoring & farting up a storm.

So much for Jimbo's luck…

12:48 pm? am?
I suppose it is am now. How the hell can I tell in the timeless void?

I just woke up, sweaty & stinky next to the Coug. He slept better than I did I imagine.

We should be way out over the Atlantic somewhere. Two hours out. Not that I can tell anything. When I look down, all I see is clouds way off below me. There is some kind of information screen up where the stupid videos are playing. Not that I can read it, mind you. My glasses are down there somewhere, probably where the pen was. And they're staying down there.

The Coug tells me it's -66 degrees outside.

Nice.

They should be serving breakfast soon. Or, whatever passes for breakfast around here. Might be good. The first meal blew the door off anything I've ever had on a domestic flight.

The giant titted wonder is up & talking Jimbo's ball off.

Goddamn. That bitch can eat & talk. She's put a pretty big dent in her garbage sack of snacks. That sausage roll, or was it a calzone? It didn't stand a chance in her flippers. I mean hands.

Two hours.

The clouds off down below are some odd shaped tufted things forming a repeating pattern to the horizon. And they only serve to remind me of all the fucking texture I had to put up on a bathroom wall last week.

And that was a fucking nightmare to be sure.

Ok, it wasn't that bad. But it wasn't that fun either. Trying to match up the smooth wall where there had been wallpaper to the part that didn't have wallpaper and was already textured. Good times. Never did get it to look right. Pretty much pissed me off for about two nights of my life. Fuck it.

I need coffee & lots of it. And I feel as thought I'm running a gallon low on fluids.

Ugh. I'll just start the day out with a hit off the flask.

And then maybe read some more Hemingway.

Ok, that's it for now. I'll post more on the trip later. I've got to fly out to Savannah, Georgia for three days tomorrow. I should be able to get online there. Good night.

Monday, March 14, 2005

denny   I   celina   I   crissy moran

Oh dear God it's Monday. And that only means one thing in Flagstaff: Altitudes for half price burgers. You are guaranteed to be alone in that place by 9:30, and that can be a very good thing if you feel like I do right now.

I got my car good and stuck in the snow this morning. In my own driveway. Go figure. So I got to walk to work. Fucking snow. The walking wasn't so bad really. But fuck snow anyway. We had a good foot of that evil shit by this afternoon. Groovy. I loved it.

Gettin my van out of grave danger required a few solid planks I got from Ray-Ray, a jack I got from Panda and a winch borrowed from and operated by Big Pun. Yes, I stuffed it up good and proper. In my won driveway. Fucking snow. Last goddamn think I needed in my life, I'll tell you that much.

I should be writing about Amsterdam, my first foray across the pond, life on the other side, and all that. But I'm a bit hung up on the 'tired as fuck' part. Call me weak if you must, I have no idea how I'm to get through this.

The answer is I'm not. I have a few pages of notes and some blurry memories. And a wicked buzz. As it should be. And the email. Don't even get me started. It'll be hours plowing through that mess.

And then some.

Hang tight kiddies. I'll pull something together. Right now I've got to sort out some mean jet lag nonsense and get my head together. I feel like I just got off a solid four day bender.

In fact, I did just get off a good bender. I came, I saw, I drank.

Yee haa.

Ok, goodnight.

Monday, March 7, 2005

heidi   I   bicycle porn   I   biker fox

God, I'm fucked. What a mess. Where do I even start? Maybe with a couple 'o cocktails? That'll be tomorrow.

I'm Audi 5000 for a few days. Flying to Amsterdam with Jimbo and Derek. I'm sure we'll just about manage to kill ourselves.

Twice.

I'll make up for the bike fox link with this next one in from Laura from Holland: Babes.

From: Heath Subject: Lots of shit going on Our 3 race series Monsters of Michaux is starting soon. The first race Michaux Maximus will be on April 24th. More info at the new gettysburgbicycle.com site. Click Michaux races in the menu. Also have a new BMX site gettysburgBMX.com . Everyone need to login to the forum and POST, POST, POST! Thats it for now. Tell the wife I miss her sweet, sweet lov'en! I guess I miss your ugly mug also.

I'm sure my wife misses your sweet lovin 'cause she sure as shit ain't missin mine.

Only in Utah.

More linky linky.

From: ryan Subject: mediaemergenc don't know if you've ever seen the center for public integrity site- if not check it out. publicintegrity.org it's good for a tense jawgrind sitting of ennui. i try to go the inebriated route when reading it so's i don't break shit.

Damn straight.

From: Runky Girl Subject: I may not be the only teacher in my town who knows how to live wrong lodinews.com/print_only/ Not sure how long this link will last before it goes into the local papers archive. This is a local math teacher. Check out the left wrist. Live Wrong?

Well the link works now, so I'm running it. By this time tomorrow, I'm sure it'll be fucked up like it just did the shootout.

Live wrong indeed.

From: Snake Subject: new race report Saturday Tucson only means one thing: Shootout. Now for most you in the southwest you will have heard of the shootout. 1.5 hours of pure speed. If you've got it then you'll be there, if not you'll be crying to your buddies about how you didn't sleep the night before or how you were so close to this and that or someone crossed wheels in front of you, or whatever lame ass fucked up bullshit excuse you have because you weren't strong enough to be there. So sack up and just admit it for one time in your lousy excuse lame existence of a life and say out loud, I wasn't strong enough today but I'm going to keep training and keep trying. I will give someone more credit and acknowledgment for some one who just out right says it rather than trying to place the blame on someone else. So for the ones that straight up call it like it is, good on you. The winner of the shootout today. I don't know. Because I didn't have it. I was so far in the back I didn't see who it was. But, I can tell you that for the second sprint C.Gould was all over it. He came out of the slip stream at 300 hundo to go and never looked back. So for next week if you need a wheel to follow look for Gould in the GST silver kit. And don't wine about how you were almost there. Almost my ass. You weren't even close.

And then there is living wrong like this:

From: CB Subject: Stop the Propaganda Well, it's finally come to this: Bush & Co. have now been caught in so many covert campaigns to propagandize We the People (using our own tax dollars for the brainwashing), that congress is having to pass a law to stop them. The revelations just keep coming. There are the fake "video news releases" that have been put out by various government agencies to hype everything from Bush's Medicare prescription boondoggle to his failed drug program. These are fabricated "news reports," using actors posing as "reporters" on stories that praise Bush and his policies. These propaganda pieces are aired as legitimate news on hundreds of stations - with no mention that the government produced and paid for them. Then there's Payolagate. To flack some of George's social schemes, various agencies have stooped to government-funded journalism, literally paying right-wing columnists and commentators to do glowing pieces about Bush's policies. Armstrong Williams was paid to wax joyous about the "No Child Left Behind" law, Maggie Gallagher got a government grant to hustle the "Healthy Marriage" initiative, and now we learn that Michael McManus also was on the government payroll while writing golden reviews of the marriage program in his column, which, ironically, is titled"Ethics & Religion." None of these right-wing pontificators mentioned disclosed that they were paid participants in the Bush propaganda mill. There's also the "communication" directive by Bush's top Social Security officials, requiring the agency's employees to promote George's scare mongering that the retirement program faces imminent financial collapse - which it doesn't. And don't even get me started about the Bushite's shameless war propaganda. As one senate aide put it, "It's not enough to say 'Please don't do it anymore.'" We must pass the "Federal Propaganda Prohibition Act." To help, call the committee on government reform: 202-225-5074.

Yeah, that is pretty well fucked up. I can't wait to see what's next on the menu.

Like sticking it to the man.

Have you seen Save Toby? I think it would fall under the "creative ways to make money" category.

And this would be the Ann Coulter is a whore category. Followed quickly by the games involving bug smashing cage gory.

Friday, March 4, 2005

stormy daniels   I   crooked nipples   I   what can brown do for you?

Happy Friday.

I want to kill myself.

From: XXX Subject: live strong YES!!! check out the guys bracelet perfecthotmovies.com/145/ce.htm

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

I picked a hell of a week to start riding. I've been moving so much shit around, staying up late fixing up the house, and putting in the hours doing bullshit, its just about killed me. I'm a pussy and I've cracked.

Apparently, this is common knowledge.

From: Lorin Subject: You are a fucking pussy… I thought that would get your attention. Anyway, I did want to call you a pussy. You sit there all whiny all winter saying, " I got my ass kicked on some rollers today." WWwwOOWooooowooOOOoOOOwoowOWOoowooowooOOOOOOooOOOoOO Ok so I just wanted to comment on the new fantastic NAU logo. Yeah the one that cost $600,000.00. Approx. So, why did we hire some firm out of Chicago to get this new logo? Doesn't NAU have a graphic arts program? Wouldn't it have been a little cheaper to like, i dunno, have a contest within the student body to create this new logo. I think that might have saved a little money. Maybe that is why people get paid the big bucks.....to spend the big bucks....that us little people pay. Also, on a lighter note...I found this killer web site that makes hand made wood topped snowboards. Check them out...they are damn cool..and are obviously made with a lot of love. The page is geronimosnowboards.com I thought since it will still be snowing...maybe this one would be appreciated. Ok ...thanks for paying attn. in your super valuable time. I only called you a pussy due to you whining how you had to take your car to work a few miles when all winter I have been commuting townsend winona rd. Have a damn good day...

That girl is way harder than I am.

Fuck.

You can see the new logo on the NAU webpage. The old logo is still up over here. It used to show the San Francisco Peaks as a jagged white line slashing it's way across the skyline. Now it's a medieval shield. More on NAU's new logo here and here.

Kinda reminds me of the Porsche logo.

I tell ya, the Gnome and I are in the wrong racket. We should be pimpin logos. 300 grand for that? Fuck. Me and the Gnome coulda done it for 250, tops.

You guys got hosed.

Thursday, March 3, 2005

nina fox   I   micha   I   redhead for dave

Another day, another dollar. Almost Friday. Yippie.

The weather has been kind so far this week, and may last the weekend. I hope to put in a few miles this weekend on one of the shit housed bikes I have down in my garage. Most of 'em are fucked at the moment. I suppose I could just keep on riding the fixed gear. It certainly seem to roll pretty good most of the time.

You could probably chalk that up to the fact that all I ever really have to do with that thing is put air in the tires. There ain't much else to it that can fuck up.

That said, I'm sure it'll break in half this weekend.

 

From: Sabol Subject: OLN schedule a joke johnny, how could you say "Oh, it's going to be fun" in response to the OLN cycling schedule.... that thing is a f****ing joke. ontop of last years Vuelta crap...no more Paris-Nice LIVE (what VINO thrashing it up, Jens Voigt hammering....it isn't exciting enough for them) ...no more giro LIVE (oh yeah, lance doesn't like italy so OLN doesn't)..... this is all bullshit. the guys at OLN making the decisions about this stuff don't care about cycling, except the month of JULY and they are pissing me off. actually, most the ones there in July working no nothing about cycling either...they come in from other shows ready to Produce a cycling show....they know nothing about the sport. HOW F***NG HARD WOULD IT BE TO SHOW ROUBAIX LIVE LIKE A FEW YEARS BACK?????? NOT HARD AT ALL. all these damn hilight shows...well here is one more highlight: HIGHLIGHT SHOWS SUCK .......WHEN THEY COULD BE LIVE (supplement the live show with a hilight half hour..that is ok....) whatever, i am banging my head into a blank block wall..... i know, at least it is something..........

You're right. It's horseshit.

And it's the only game in town.

More:

From: June Bug Subject: OLN's coverage of this year's Giro d'Italia I sent OLN a friendly Feedback today regarding their coverage of this year's Giro d'Italia, and it went a little something like this, I have changed a few things since: Yeah, so what is up with the limited coverage of this year's Giro!! 4 days only instead of the previous daily coverage! I am truly disappointed. During the months of the Giro and TDF is the only time I subscribe to my cable provider's digital cable service because they have OLN, and I can only afford it for 3 months out of the year because I am a full-time college student and part-time bike racer on a shoestring budget. I look forward to the Giro every year and much prefer it over the TDF. The Giro d'Italia has better scenery, it is more exciting and emotional than the dulling predictable outcomes and celebrity circus of the TDF. OLN has gone downhill on its cycling coverage responsibilities. Please, I need more Giro d'Italia than 4 days of coverage. does this bother anyone else? Or am I just looking for another reason to avoid homework? ;) Feel free to drop OLN a line!

Funny OLN would sideline the Giro when their favorite Texan is making big noise about actually showing up for the race. For the first time in his career, I might add. Discovery in on the list of teams. Why not show it?

But, then again, the Italian investigators do kinda want to talk with him about that whole thing with Simeoni last year.

I guess that's as good a reason as any to avoid going to Italy for a while.

But, it that a good enough reason for the Overblown Lance Channel to ditch coverage of the one of the worlds most exciting and prestigious races?

The Giro kicks fucking ass. In fact, I've enjoyed it a lot more than the Tour these last few years. The race has been wide open, with plenty of men capable of winning, lead changes, and grand battles. In short: Action.

And now we can't even watch it every day.

Fuckers.

Fuck you OLN. And fuck all the companies that won't pony up the advertising dollars to keep those show viable. Well, now could they support a show with skinny faggy European men riding, gasp, bikes, next to the guaranteed money makers like Huntin' wid Hank, Buckmasters, Wild Boys vs. Wild Beasts, Big Game Thursdays, and the every popular, Fridays in the Wild.

Talk about bringing in the draw. These guys have it all. If you're pimping big trucks, shooting shit, big rifles, small rifles, or straight up gay sex, put your money into programming like this. Then just sit back and watch the revenue pour in as sales go through the roof.

Fuck all. I'm gonna miss the Giro this year. A lot.

Looks like I have better pay attention to this:

From: Rib Steak Subject: live coverage Check this out for your viewing pleasure pezcyclingnews.com/?pg=fullstory&id=2932

Hot damn! Now that's what I'm talking about.

Sure they got ya for ten bucks for Het Volk. But what was your other choice, besides reading about the mother fucker?

I just watched the last twenty minutes of Kuurn-Brussels-Kuurn. And it ruled. Cycling.tv, a good idea a long time coming.

How 'bout a joke?

An old cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW came out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a fancy suit and tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The old cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves ," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select an animal and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the old cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Republican Party Adviser" says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the old cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business... ......Now give me back my dog.

Oh, my sides hurt…

Check out Louder at Het Volk. I'm proud to say I've loaned him my pump. The guy is a tank.

One more and I'm out.

From: Mike Subject: Race Face UFC IV goes live, tomorrow... Race Face Performance Products, along with Giant Bicycles and Manitou Suspension is proud to announce the fourth annual Ultimate Freeride Challenge is officially underway with the first round of rider videos now online! The contest, which spawned the riding careers of Tyler Klassen, Matt Hunter and Wayne Goss is now set to take another rider for the amateur ranks and deliver them to super stardom. And as always: you get to decide who wins. For those of you who are new to the UFC, here’s how it works. Every week, we’ll be posting four rider videos online for you to view and vote for who you think should advance to future rounds. The four riders who advance will be paired off in the semi-finals and once again, you’ll be asked to vote – this time choosing which two riders should meet in the finals. While final voting continues, Race Face, Giant and Manitou will fly the two finalists down to the Sea Otter Classic in Monterey, California and on April 16, at the BIKE Magazine Video Awards Party, we’ll be announcing the winner and signing them to a sponsorship contract worth over US$25,000! Just remember, we’re putting the power in your hands to choose our next big sponsorship acquisition, so make your voice heard. Click through to raceface.com/ufc to view and vote for the videos. You’ve got exactly one week to view the videos and make your choice. Next Friday, we’ll let you know who advanced as we post the next round of videos online.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

lonnie waters   I   lesbians rule   I   redhead for dave

I actually got out and rode my bike today. Two hours on my fixed gear. Kitted up and everything. Saw a few of the boys out there as well. The Gnome, Chris L., D. Miller, and D Loveday, all alone and putting in the miles in the cold. Good looking out boys.

You'll be kicking my ass all year.

It seems when I post an email or a story attributed to a certain, shall we say, famous person, it turns out more often that not that the famous bastard I cited did not, in fact, write the piece in question. Of course, I could work on simply checking my sources beforehand, but that sort of thing takes foresight and planning. Two things that are definitely not in abundance around the DC World Headquarters.

From: bike psyke Subject: Our winter of malcontent As funny and yet poignant as it is, Cleese didn't write the Revocation of Independence urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_b.htm Cleese has stated publicly that he isn't one to get involved in political discussion as other musings have been attributed to him, most notably this from fellow python Terry Jones snopes.com/politics/satire/cleese.asp In all actuality, I'm sitting here at work, wishing I could be drinking a smooth vodka, instead of getting agitated about how anne coulter still manages to get a fucking audience. I think she needs to get fucked by the west coast posse gangbangsquad.com I think significant numbers of drunken cyclists would enjoy seeing her skinny white ass getting impaled repeatedly by massively hung black men - of course who's to say she hasn't, the dirty whore.

Lesson learned.

I'll wrap this with Snakes new and improved race reporting skills. Then I'm going to sit my ass down on my new leather sofa and watch the first season of Chappell's Show.

From: Snake Subject: race report Ok, 9 days of racing in 10 days. First we must start at the beginning. I want to give a shout out to B-Man from C-Zone this one goes out to the working stiffs. I have to start wit the Valley of the Sun. What we should have called it was Valley of the Water. By the end I had poured out 2 water bottles out of my frame but more on that later. First a 20 K TT in the rain, as I pulled up to the pancake flat course the skies were dark and it looked like it was going to hold but it didn't. So as I warmed up/got soaked and chilled I thought to myself this is the stupidest thing I have ever done. So throw the jacket off at the last second and start on the ground next to the start house because they didn't trust us to start in start house because the official that was counting down and slipped back in his day and ate shit out of the house. So here I am in 56-21 starting on the ground. Hard not to go to hard. If you know what I mean, which for Big Jonny means exactly sum dick. Clear as mud for him. So I take it easy for the first few minutes then begin to let it rip. I'm talking about entering the 8th ring of hell in a rain storm carrying a snow cone blue berry flavor and riding in and saying what's can only be described as a storm that would have Noah running for his boat. So after all is said and done I had a good ride for this time of year for 11th on GC. Funny thing is that I went 15 seconds faster than last year but dropped two spots on GC. What the fuck? Get faster but lose spots. So on to the RR. 90 miles or so of complete rain. Luckily I have been taught by the Wolf Man to carry everything no matter what, so on with the rain gear and an extra pair of gloves in my back pocket for the last lap should be good right, wrong. At one point I saw Noah go by in his boat at this point I know I'm fucked because I have missed my feed for the last 70 miles because every stupid muther fucker in the feed zone looks the same. Like a black fucking trash bag. But on the last lap there is Tex standing in the rain with the biggest cowboy hat I have ever seen with some sort of cowboy hat condom on it so it doesn't get wet and he's grinning this shit eating grin as big as Texas and holding a bottle. So I take it and so that makes 2.5 bottles drank for a 90 miler. Plenty. Anyway shit hits the fan on the last lap with about 2k to go up the climb and guys start dropping anchors and I'm weaving through them like a drunk guy going through the pylons at a Construction Zone ( B-man and D.J.) see how I fit you guys in here! Anyway I got an ace up my sleeve. Man Child. Trust me in this I know talent when I see it. I've been racing for a while now and there is little that impresses me nowadays. This kid is going to be good. Man child is Murphy. Irish as they come, and one hell of a strong sum biotch. Anyway long story short he comes around Tyler Farrar easy as you would like and like a stone cold IRA killer that he is gives the salute to the crowd. cyclingnews.com "You make me wanna holla, get out the game Too many muthafuckas know my name While Snake's servin' time back in peloton I puts it down on the street, don't try to take mine" by Man Child So on to the crit. By now everyone knows what they are up gainst. A man child and me the guy who can deliver the Man Child to the line just as easy as you would like. So everything is going fine for the two man hit squad until some one tries to occupy the same space as someone else in corner number 2 with 2 laps to go. I cant understand people that crash with only 2 to go. What the hell are you thinking? If your going to crash do it with 30 minutes to go that way you don't take out 3 of the top 10 on GC and ruin a good race for people who actually have a chance of winning. So Man Child is out the game so I am left to my own for a lap. I see race leader Blick sitting in the back of what now is only a 30 man group. I say to Blick get on my wheel bitch because its time. The thing you have to know about Blick is that he is a climber/TT er not a sprinter but today he has to sprint because if he doesn't and one of the 3 guys who are within 10 seconds gets the time bonus then he's fucked and loses again. So Blick eggs me on for a nice 700meters of 1000 watts of fun. Long story short he get third because I make the sprint into a death march sprint, long and long. So I find Man Child at the finish with a broken helmet and the back side of his right hand skinned up. He says with some sort of IRA gleam in his eye I've never hit the deck so hard and fast. He didn't have time to put his hands out so that's why the back of his hand is fucked up. Lesson to the up and comers out there reading this if you can ride next to someone through a corner and hold you line the come talk to me and I will show you how its done. For the rest of you mutha fuckers just get the hell out my way because I'm taking Man Child to the front. Now on to Mexico This is where the report is going to get a bit fuzzy because the stages are going to start to blend together. First stage was a crit with no less that 3, 180 turns in it. Total Mexican style. What was fucked with it really was that each team was called up to the start line by order of numbers. Well my team is in the back but for some reason Hair Net was in the front with their Ace the Lazor as The Pate calls him. So from the gun this race is over before it starts with the Lazor taking the easy win. On to stage two. A circuit race in Nogales. From the gun a Tecos rider takes off. Then another one of his teammates join him for a 100k break. What makes this so interesting is that with 5 Hair Nets and me chasing for at least 80K full stick that's 6 against 2 they manage to put 2.5 minutes into us. Hummmm looks like hose A and hose B are not playing clean. So fuck it, put their dirty needles in the jersey cause we are going to attack them till the end. Next day was a classic move that I can imagine how that Simioni and Lance have going. 10K into the next day the leader of the race flats. In unison the entire field starts to rotate. I'm talking about 30-40 guys at the front trying to drop the leader from ever coming back from a flat. Now in road racing there is an unwritten rule in racing that if the leader flats the peloton waits. Well down south of the border they want to kill this guy, his girlfriend, his parents, his dog, his cat, his sister, his neighbors everyone. Right when this happens I'm sitting next to so pro jones he can barely make it to the front to try and fuck this guy over. Hahahah So anyway Fish lipps makes it back to the front with half of his team helping him. So long story short bunch kick at Monex wins a stage. Next day can only be described as one long as break that finally made it. Thing is that I'm in it, Tex is in it, todd wells makes it, C. Pierce, C. Hartley and one lonely Mexican. So we drill it for 160 of the 165 K stage and make it. Some how one of my Mexican teams bridges up in the last 20 and drills us in the sprint. My rubbery ass legs come in 4th for a good finish for such a long effort. Funny part of this is that somewhere in fog of pain of trying to make it to the line Tex looks at me and what I think he said was "I think we can make it" but what he really said was "I don't think that I will make it" I'm so fucked at this point that I just look at him and say "yeah" that's it. What sort of team mate am I. I'm a fucking loser. "yeah" Holy shit Shakespeare don't blow your wad in one big shot. But that's after the fact. Tex said after the stage that it was much easier to ride in the group then hold Pierces wheel. Fucking track guys. You just cant draft them. So next up was about 700 k in 3 days. I don't really remember a lot of what happened because between the team director yelling at me to attack or to come and get bottles I was fucked from the jail break with Tex. I do remember trying to push The Pate up a 1 K finishing climb he had a rear flat and he just looks over at me and says I got it and some how puts 20 seconds to me with a rear flat. Now I consider myself a decent cat 1. I have won some races some days I feel good others I don't just like everyone else. But when The Pate W.C. TT er decides to drop the hammer just get the fuck out the way. Take my own advice and watch a man do a mans job. Un fucking real to get dropped by a guy with that much talent and with a flat. I am a loser. Next two stages were pretty much uneventful with huge time chunks spend in the 53-11 doing moto pacing within the group. On the last day we covered 34 miles in the first hour. Then slowed to a snails pace of 28 in the second and then in the last hour back up to a 31 mph for the last hour. I just saw the Tour of Mucia on daily peloton the average speed was 43kph. That shit ain't got nuthin on 46 aver stage for some super juiced Mexicans. So 9 days of racing this last week and half brings me up to 16 days of racing so far this year. So right now I'm sleeping about 11 hours a night with a good solid 1 hour nap in. So to all the riders out there who think that they are tired or they have had a hard week of training. Stick it up your ass. In the immortal words of Big Jonny "you ain't shit, you may beat me in the race but Ill beat you in the parking lot" I am no longer in show room condition

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

rebeca   I   charlie laine   I   jesse capelli

More good stuff from Napoleon Dynamite for your listening pleasure.

Tonight's update will suck like so many have sucked before. I spent the night laying up coats of primer on a bathroom's four walls. Exciting, I now.

Some punks talk a big game. Me, I'm livin' it.

At least now I can sit down, in paint splattered clothes mind you, and knock back an emergen-c & kettle one cocktail. In a tall glass with some ice cubes for company. Ahhh. Kettle One, take me away.

I should be fucking sponsored by those bastards, as much of my rent money as I've pissed away on their vodka in the last year. If anyone reads this who has some pull with the Kettle One crowd, I didn't really mean to call you bastards.

I meant to call you a bunch of fucking bastards.

Just so we're clear.

I'm still up for sponsorship. Gray Goose anyone?

And when I was searching for a link for emergen-c packets, I found this. Go figure.

Feel good stuff out of Ann Coulter. Please, some one find the porn she did when she was a freshman in college. The nude pics, the gang bangs on video, the spring break topless beer bongs. It's out there, I just know it.

She is a dirty little whore.

C'mere tah me.

Oh Jesus. Maybe easier on the sauce tomorrow, big boy. You've actually stooped to hitting on Ann Coulter.

Time to start working on that karma.

From: Mark Subject: Please help a drunk college student Please help a fellow binge drinker by putting this link somewhere, even just mentioning it casually or saying how much it sucks. Even if you don't agree with the cause it's good for a laugh. mywebspace.wisc.edu/msmith6/web/SAVE THE MARK FUND

64 page views at the moment. I bet I can knock that up a few, eh?

From: Jason C. Subject: Save Fantasy Island You may already know this but the state of Az wants to sell fantasy island (for those who don't know is is one of the funniest places to ride in the Southwest) which equals overpriced homes and no more riding, Some guys are working to stop this. here is their website savefantasyisland.org please let everyone know. make a call, send a letter anything

I've ridden Fantasy Island. It's a lot like Papago Park up in Tempe. Not the same thing exactly, no two tails are. It's a not terribly technical, fast and twisty, cool place to shred around that is in town. It'd be a shame to loose something like that. A fun spot for sure.

Yeah, the highest and best use of that land is certainly more fucking fake adobe town homes. Good looking out, Tucson.

And Big Tom throws the flag.

At me.

From: Tom Subject: redheads for dave ain't what it used to be jon- ya know we've been pals for a long time. way before ya started this whole web site stuff. and i was there with forbes when it all started based on the lame ass shit he and i were doin at the time. now ive always respected yer work and ive contributed when i thought it worthy. on top of that ive never complained, never. there was not a time when i thought it nessesary..... till now. there was not such an occasion where it was called for until this major error in judgment on yer part. what is it thats got my panties all in a bunch you might ask? simple. redhead for dave 2/28/05 otherwise know as the link realbouncyboobs.com/galleries/PinupGlam/sep04/pinupglam013/pinupglam01.htm in it is the bold statement "Pinup Glam is a retro look at glamour and pinup babes, using today's hottest models. If you like something a little classier, you deserve some PINUP GLAM!" a little classier?????? what the fuck is this site turnin into? porn for the upper middle class white bread white collar posers? classier??? for fucks sake jon! we are all bike geeks and damn proud of it. that means it would take 50 + % of yer readerships combined income to rate upper middle class status at best! now cut it out and lets get back to the raunchy porn that made this site what it is today and give us what we need to bust a proper nut. im all about redheads, if ya didnt know. remember that little number that used to come into the shop and make me slobber like a common pig? yeah... im all over the redheads just like our pal dave. so how about a little retrobution? set it right my friend. dont let this be the beginning of the end.

Ok, for you Tom. I do this for you. Nary a redhead in the bunch. And nothing you would take home to met Mom. Just gutter skanks through and through.

Red hot latina
Realtor slut
Rack em up
Pussy poundin
Pussy party
Pussy parlor trick
Punky teen slut
Proving her love
Private dancer
Pretty pink pussy
Hungarian foursome
The red and the black
World class ass
Montreal gangbang
Euroslut fourway

I feel like I need a shower after that experience. And somehow I doubt I can ever truly wash myself clean…

Kinda makes me think about Christ. And that pussy ass hair of his…

From: Dave Evil Subject: Hard to say Jonny, Man, those religious fucks just break my heart. To be so completely misguided, so blinded, and frankly, so ignorant as to write you and to tell you to repent. My response? Fuck you. Fuck you and your "holy" book. Fuck you and your doctrine of excluding people not of "your" faith. If not for religion, there would be a fuck of a lot more people alive today. Hey Ina, fuck off, keep your fairy tale to yourself. Up with pleasures of the flesh, for fucks sake.... Dave Evil p.s. I had thirty eight beers tonight, it's Monday, and I feel fine.

Eight beers, midwest queers… Just kidding. Dave Evil; 100% man. All about the pipe, that guy. He loves dick. Um, wait a minute. Not quite what I was going for.

Whatever. My glass is empty. And Dr. Thompson has left the building. Coincidence? I think not.

From: Crotaline Subject: John Cleese is a genius NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE - by John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

What do I know, maybe it'd be a good thing.

Like ass stabbing Ann Coulter.

God damn it man, pull yourself together!

Maybe it's the paint fumes talking?

It's all about the naked chicks up in here.

One more and I'm out of here like last year.

From: Mark Subject: LIVEWRONG!! & Suckstrong!! JOHNNY .... Thank god i bought 2 "Livewrong" bands. The boss told me to clean the house or else.....well long story short the vacuum cleaner broke down in a smoking mess..my extra band saved my ass. I Thank You, mark

You fixed a vacuum with that shit? You sir, are an American Hero.

Go forth and conquer.