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|
|
End of the year baby. What a long, strange trip it's been.
Highlights, low lights, bright lights, dim lights. We had 'em all.
Tom Boonen won Flanders
and then a week later took Rubaix.
Later in the year he also won the World Championship.
I'm giving him the nod for Drunkcyclist Rider of the Year.
His prize? I glass of my 18 year old scotch. Which I'm going to drink
for him.
I got in two hours on the mountain bike yesterday, and another three
today. Man, am I ever feeling it. In a good way.
I hate getting back into shape. Being in shape, now that's Ok with
me. It's the whole "getting" there part that can be, well, long.
Links:
[fucked] prisonplanet.com/articles/december2005/...patriotismtests.htm
[sweet] hurratorpedo.com
[lance] newswithviews.com/deParrie/paul17.htm
[bush] theonion.com/content/node/43901
[psycho chick] usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2005-12-30-bullet-head
[review] talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/007337.php
[review] mercurynews.com/holiday_guide
[roving] tpmcafe.com/story/2005/12/31/141927/43
[brownie] today.reuters.com/news/…US-LIFE-BUSH
Anyone think the Eagles are going to knock the Redskins out of the
playoffs tomorrow?
I can only pray.
Letters:
| |
From: Michael
Subject: FAQ for New SUV and H2 Hummer Owners
Q1: I made the original down payment on an H2 "Hummer" and I've
been driving it for over half a year now and I still can't find
my penis and women still hate me and call me an asshole. When does
the H2 "Hummer" start to kick in? When will I finally be a real
man?
A1: Some new H2 owners will experience continued feelings of
inadequacy for some time after they purchase their surrogate penis
however rest assured that your perceptions are false: Women really
do want to have sex with you, it's only the lesbians who continue
to call you names and take out restraining orders against you.
Also don't worry: Your penis is humongous now. Trust your new
"Hummer."
Q2: When I bought my Ford Expedition about a year ago, I was
told that I would be going to the mountains, driving through deserts
and heavy mud, camping out under the stars with at least two hot
High School girls. Instead I'm stuck in traffic 90% of the time,
slogging back and forth between home, K-Mart, and work. When will
I start being a rugged mountain logging man?
A2: If you're experiencing city traffic and have not yet become
an adventurous mountain man, the problem isn't with your SUV,
it's with liberal environmentalists and Communist Democrats who
are conspiring to destroy America's freedoms hand-in-hand with
Iraqi terrorists (which really, really do exist.) With the election
of President George W. Bush, this temporary problem will shortly
be corrected and any day now you'll become a rugged, action-filled
adventurer.
Q3: My neighbor bought a really manly SUV so I had to go buy
one even bigger to prove I'm a better man. I was amused about
a month later when he came around a bend on the freeway at around
100 miles an hour and rolled it, killing himself and all his family
members and everyone in a couple of other cars. But I started
wondering if I'm going to also die in a screaming, burning wreck
taking other people's kids out with me like he did. Should I worry?
A4: No, there's no need to worry! All SUV accidents are investigated
by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) and media reports
about massive carnage and an 11% greater fatality rate involving
SUVs compared to girly cars are highly exaggerated. The NTSB has
consistently found in every single accident involving SUVs that
other drivers have always been at fault; it's never been the driver
of an SUV that's ever caused an accident. An education campaign
is planned to inform drivers of girly cars that they must stop
getting in the way of real men like you and stop causing these
accidents which took out your neighbor's family. You have nothing
to worry about.
Q5: I can't stand it any more. I'm really getting tired of all
the men, women, and children who flip me off when I'm driving
my H2 "Hummer" around town. What's their problem? What can I do
about these people who shout stuff like "PIG!" and "ASSHOLE!"
and stuff as they flip me off?
A5: They're jealous of you. It's not anyone who can purchase
an H2 "Hummer," after all, it takes a real man and these people
-- even the High School girls who flip you off -- are jealous
of the fact that they can't be as manly a man as you are. What
you should do is sit there and glare at them really, really bad:
Let them know you're not going to take that guilt trip abuse without
giving them the glaring of their lives. Also many of them secretly
want to have sex with you but are too embarrassed to ask so you
should ask them.
Q6: Someone keeps putting citations on my SUV's windshield claiming
I'm supporting terrorism, killing the environment, that I'm a
selfish pig, and that my SUV is maiming other drivers on the highway.
These traffic citations are piling up because I don't see an address
of where I need to go to fight these tickets in court. Will they
come and arrest me for not paying these tickets? I don't think
I should have to since there's no address I can see on where to
mail in fines.
A6: No, you don't have to pay those or do anything with them.
You may tear them up and throw them away along with any parking
ticket or other traffic citation you may be issued. As an SUV
owner you're entitled to special driving privileges that inferior
men don't share, and if any police officer tells you differently,
you should explain to the liberal about your rights as a SUV driver
to do whatever the Hell you want when you want to do it.
Q7: Why do so many people in other cars and people walking on
the sidewalk hold up two fingers a couple of inches apart and
point at my SUV and laugh?
A7: They're probably trying to tell you that you have a door
ajar or that they believe one of your tires is under inflated.
Check to make sure that all of your doors are closed properly
and if they are, be sure to check your tire pressure.
Q8: About once a week or so I walk out to my SUV and I find a
bumper sticker on my H2 "Hummer" either saying I'm changing the
environment or that I'm "compensating," whatever that means. What's
happening to me?
A8: There's a Communist Liberal by the name of Arianna Huffington
who hates America and she travels around the world putting these
bumper stickers on people's Constitutionally protected SUVs and
"Hummers" because she hates America. It's just loony liberal nut
blather which doesn't mean anything so you can ignore it. If you
want it to stop, you need to send her email and demand that she
stop harassing you else you'll call the FBI. That'll make her
stop.
Q9: I think there's something wrong with my "Hummer." Every two
days I have to refill my gas tank even though I only drive around
the city from home to work and back. I've checked for leaks and
I don't smell leaking gasoline when I'm driving so I'm thinking
there must be some reason why I'm only getting 10 miles to the
gallon. What's up with that?
A9: There's nothing wrong with your car. What's wrong is the
notion that as an American your personal vehicle needs to be engineered
for fuel economy -- a Communist notion if ever there was one.
When you drive a "Hummer," you're driving freedom, liberty, apple
pie, and God -- the Christian God -- and nobody -- absolutely
nobody! -- has the right to tell you to drive some Fresh wimpy
girly car. When you fill your gas tank every other day, you're
filling your tank with freedom.
Q10: I got me one of those Hummies with the jungle camouflage
paint job, really big tires, and I wear Army clothes when I drive
my Hummie, just like my fellow Hummie drivers in Iraq. Question:
am I allowed to shoot brown people like they do and get away with
it like they do? And if so, what about homos? Can I shoot homos
too if I see homos on the sidewalk?
A10: Yes, as an H2 "Hummer" driver you're entitled to shoot as
many brown-skinned people and homosexuals as you want to. There
are a few police officers who might pull you over after engaging
in your Constitutionally protected Second Amendment rights, but
most police officers will notice your "Hummer," its really cool
camouflage, and support the troops by not stopping you or giving
you problems. If a police officer does pull you over, all you
need do is show him or her your Republican Party membership card
or your National Rifel Association membership card and they'll
cut you loose to continue exercising your American rights. Any
police officer who still gives you a hassle is a closet queer
and, of course, fair game. |
One from our Dear Uncle Pistol:
| |
From:
Subject:
Am back in Melaque. Whoa, Wackalahara sucks. Imagine Tokyo but dirty
loud and dangerous. Busybody mean cops too, the fucks. Of course
now I'm surrounded by Karnuvian ashwipes. Two way evil Lezzies sitting
next to me right now. Lookin' daggers at ol' Uncle Pistol. Yes,I
am responsible for the Human Condition. Should I show'm the root?
"Hey baby, this what you want?" that's me, all heart.
It'll be another week or so till the coast is clear. This Navidad/Año
Nuevo beach bash is starting to pall. It starts Dec 12th or so
and runs till Jan 6. I'll hide out on the farm roads. This area
abounds in cool low traffic dirt tracks. I haven't had to ride
the same route twice. Gonna go look up that crazy one speed shaman
I met way back. Guy's got a pickled Mexican Beaded Lizard in a
jar on his table. Another jar fulla spiders'n scorpions an' shit.
Just the kinda riding partner anyone would want. Maybe he'll hook
me up with some o' that Messican Moonshine...
Pistol out |
You might want to run that shine through a strainer… Chocking down
a pickled scorpion mid-swill could really fuck up a brothers New Years.
| |
From: David
Subject: the world is a circle
Here is my new years haiku
i quit riding to chase money
then after getting money i got drunk
then from drinking i got fatter
This fatter made me decide to ride again |
Right on.
Here's mine:
| |
Moving forward slowly
toward the summer races
training |
| |
From: Capt. Wheelsucker in TN
Subject: Special Roadies
Hey Big Jonny,
Had a little experience today I'd like to share with the readers.
The title is "Fuck Roadies." Bear with me.
So I grab the SS for a quick road blast today--as the fixie kicked
my ass bad two days ago. Fat tires, straight bar, 180 cranks--the
good stuff for a little recovery spin. Major highway in the rural
southeast out the front door here (a little west of Snake). Perchance
I find some junk in the mailbox and bring it back up to the house,
then head back out. Just in time to meet a trio of riders coming
down the hill on skinnies. So I hold up at the bridge near my
turn off to say "Hey!" This area is lightly populated and has
very few cyclists, so I usually talk for a minute with any that
I meet--or at least exchange greetings of some sort.
Not today.
I said "Hey, there's a good hill over this way." no reply. I
hollered "I've got a road bike too!" that also went unacknowledged.
Then I shouted "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO RIDE OUT HERE!"
not even a finger.
So I naturally thought that these were REAL cyclists, super duper
pedal pushers, maybe this is the breakaway, how far back is the
peloton? Ah, but no numbers, no course marshalls, must not be
a race. Oh how I wish I could be that COOL and ALOOF at the same
time.
Yeah, RIGHT--Fuck them and fuck any other cyclist that wants
to ride by and think so much of themselves as to ignore fellow
cyclists.
That's the bottom line. I realize that I was wrong to impose
my feelings of community and camaraderie upon perfect strangers
with whom all I shared was our mode of transportation at the time.
Would they have acted differently had I been on one of my road
bikes? I doubt it. Fuck 'em. I could write a lot more, but that
succinctly covers it.
Happy Freaking ONE GEAR New Year!
Capt. Wheelsucker in TN |
That's Ok, I told a guy Thursday, "What, your hands are too cold to
wave?"
I'm pretty sure he didn't hear me.
I'll leave you with these two:
The 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman and the
follow up.
Happy New Year everybody.
I added a cool little thing to the site today, a javascript deal that
lists the last twenty visitors to the site by city and country. It's
way down on the bottom left of the page. Hey, I had to up it somewhere.
I've seen plenty of usage files from DC to know people come from all
over the damn planet. But I was still a bit surprised when I saw it
spread out on a map.
I'm bad. I'm nation world wide.
In other DC news, the online store is going to be let loose on January
1. Yes, your one stop shopping for all Drunkcyclist gear and apparel
will be a reality.
So send me your money.
[insane] cnn.com/2005/WORLD/asiapcf/12/28/pakistan.honor.ap/index.html
[review] pezcyclingnews.com/?pg=fullstory&id=3687
[bush] capitolhillblue.com/artman/publish/article_7779.shtml
[eagles] deserteaglesnest.com/
[i-word] cbsnews.com/stories/2005/12/28/opinion/main1168855.shtml
[race] singleswizzle.com/ssaz06.htm
[mugshot of the year] thesmokinggun.com/archive/1229051mugs1.html
[nsa] breitbart.com/news/2005/12/28/D8EPGENO2.html
[cool] paragonmachineworks.com
| |
From: Jeff
Subject: Yeti Game
Jon,
I would like to personally thank you for re-introducing me to the
game that has now wrecked my day as well as my household. I thought
it would be "cool" to show the better half the game which she proceeded
to kick my ass at!!! 319.5 then 325.0 yes I can't even come close...I
suck! Thanks again for the home wrecking! |
Yeah, I figured you'd dig that one. I've been all over it too.
It's the simple things in life, know what I mean?
The Great Hump Day smack dab in the middle in the Great Hump Week.
Snake just packed up for Tucson. He's eating up miles like pac-man in
70 degree sunshine. Jon Uno and Jess are skiing up in Alta. Soaking
up the knee deep stuff.
And I'm here where there is no snow. And no 70 degree sunshine. Just
me and this god damn computer.
Go figure.
| |
From: Corey the Courier
Subject: Great lines
So I am at the bar earlier this evening with a lady friend having
a few happy hour beverages, when after watching the bartender exchange
phone numbers with some chick he says... "After we have sex it won't
matter if I call you Captain Kangaroo". I damn near fell off of
my stool. He later told me he said it because she complained he
spelled her name wrong. You can get away with stuff like that if
you control the flow of booze.
Corey the Courier
Philly Phorever |
Oh hell yeah. I'd say that one is a home run ball.
Swinging for the cheap seats with shit like that.
Links are like a box of chocolates. They all taste good.
[card] theleevees.com/holidaycard
[blog] whataboutosama.blogspot.com
[Brigadier General Andrew Gatsis] thenewamerican.com/...article_2923.shtml
[the new domino theory] usatoday.com
[cartoons] npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5068106
[video] media.putfile.com/dave-chapelle-show-r-kelly-spoof
Oh shitty.
Oh shitty indeed.
| |
From: response
Subject: Big J, the vultures have landed
So I am drunk and playing with the internet as many people like
me do. Okay I am always drunk and playing with stuff but this time
it's different. I fat fingered your address, and typed drunkcylist
by mistake (don't go to that link unless you want my herpes). I
start to hit stop and a fucking site pops up that offers some generic
sex and bike links sans the big mans cutting sardonic wit, tasteful
web design and gripping commentary. Someone threw a bucket underneath
your spill. Who knew that you and your traffic would benefit someone
else? We already benefit by jerking to your porn, laughing at your
jokes and sometimes standing in your big fat assed shadow when its
too sunny. Now we can make a buck off the sweat of your brow? What's
next? Maybe I can throw a leg over your clapped out bikes or raid
your clapped out booze cabinet? Take da Van for a ride? Should I
feel guilty?
Please let me know,
Best regards,
Response |
Seems I now have to pony up and buy all the various misspellings of
drunkcyclist. Like, for example, drunkcylist. How many ways can one
hamfist the letters? Oh, let me count the ways...
| |
From: Stephanie
Subject: The penguin and Jake the Snake
Hey Jonny-
Thought you might want to add this game to your games.
Check it out.
A big shout out to the Snake for actually pissing on the bar
of the Monte V. May he inspire us all. |
The good old pinguin game (yeah, the file is spelled 'pinguin'). Love
it. King of time wasters. I put it up over here: drunkcyclist.com/game_pinguin.htm
Jeff, you can kiss that productive day at the office goodbye.
And you can thank me later.
Rider down:
| |
From: Kyle
Subject: Tragic
Big J,
Sad story out of the Charlotte area: Guy was riding his bike and
got hit by a drunk 23-year-old. Kid drove off, shouldn't have even
been driving and the poor rider died. Just wondering if you could
throw this up. Sounds like a great guy, fucking terrible for his
family.
charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/news/13497845.htm
|
I'm at a loss for words. Really.
Announcement: December, 31 2005 at Monte Vista Lounge - New Years
Eve Show with Stereotyperider. Necronauts and Seven Storey Mountain.
What else you got to do?
Oh shitty.
More deep
thoughts from the Gnome.
"A two wheeled drift ensues that takes you from the very inside,
to the very outside as you maximize the real estate to best meet your
needs and although it would be preferable to slow it down a bit more,
that is not going to happen. The turn has been initiated and to renegotiate
the commitment is not an option. a drift is a drift and the precarious
balance between its inherent beauty and hitting the deck is a razor
sharp moment of attention."
Because that's just what Gnomes do: Think deep.
Seems I found other things to do at the office today besides, you know,
work. Man's great evil, the need for money. Money to pay the mortgage,
money to pay the utilities, money to buy beer. And so it goes.
And that great distraction, that saving grace of the computer, the
only reason I've kept my head out of the oven for one more day: Email.
At first glance the following text reads like you walked into the middle
of an ongoing conversation between three people. That's because you
did just walk into the middle of an ongoing conversation between three
people. You nosey bastard.
A little background may be appropriate. We, being Bensey, Dirty Kate
and myself, were talking about lame pickup lines like, "the car is out
of gas", "it's cold", "if we don't, we might die out here" and the like.
You know you've heard 'em. You may even have used a few. You worthless
bastard.
Seems our dear Kate has heard them all. At the same time.
Anyway, read on:
| |
From: Dirty Kate
Subject: RE: The Great Debate
JB, Cam did say you were a bit metrosexual. Guess she didn't know
how metro.
BJ, the story of the excuse goes down (that's right, I punned)
like this:
This dude and I were the last ones leaving a rugby drink up in
upstate New York school on a very very cold March evening. He,
having been concussed during his game, had not drunk much and
so was driving. His old Jeep Cheroke was not. After a few failed
attempts at calling friends and not thinking clearly enough to
call directory assistance, I decided we should walk towards town
or die. He, faced with his own morality, had other things in mind.
Me: we should get out and walk.
Him: (pause) Its so cold out, and I'm not sure which way is town.
Me: We can't just stay here.
Him: Let's wait for a little while, maybe someone will come by.
Me: We'd have a better chance of getting spotted if we started
walking. And we're gonna freeze just sitting here.
Him: Then we shouldn't just sit.
Me: (pause) Its too cold for me to take off any clothes.
Him: Ok.
(long pause)
Him: I might die....
Me: What does that mean?
Him: You wouldn't have to take off any of YOUR clothes...
Me: We're walking.
Eventually, I did it just to shut him up and get him to start
walking with me. And it took about 5 minutes less time than yours.
|
Ah yes, the old mortality vs. blowjob dilemma. Many a great mind has
been pushed to the breaking point attempting to sort that one out. And
never mind all the collegiate freshman driven to sheer madness.
Penis + beer = you guessed it.
Some links to brighten your day and keep your head out of the gas oven
until tomorrow at least.
[read] nybooks.com/articles/18431?email
[crash] ananova.com/news/story/sm_1399668.html
[cartoons] markstivers.com/Cartoons/main%202002.html
[video] blogsofwar.com/...kid_argues_with_mom_during_xbox_live_clan_match
[doxy] doxydiary.squarespace.com/daily-journal/
Well, that's about that.
Merry Christmas everyone.
I'm off to Phoenix tomorrow to catch the Eagles - Cardinals game. So
don't wait up for any updates.
When a six and eight team faces off against a four and ten team, would
you expect fireworks? What's the over/under on this one?
I'd be surprised if there was a combined twenty points scored. It's
going to be an endless display of incompetence. Good thing they sell
beer at these things.
I'll need about ten to get through it.
Today's link sampling:
[video] youtube.com/watch.php?v=zLElfJ9YCh0
[video] media.putfile.com/Dave-Chapelle---Black-President-Bush
[wellens video] xs4all.nl/~ewoud/cycling/wellenscantona.wmv
[defeat] thedefeatists.typepad.com/apoplectic
[josie johnson] sltrib.com/ci_3335211
[more josie] sltrib.com/ci_3336814#
How 'bout a few emails before I call it a night?
| |
From: GeWilli
Subject: big tex a pussy? dats what i called him!
yeah.... Big Drunk J man... i called him a pussy...
gewilli.blogspot.com
;)
its nice being on vacation - getting loaded on Miller High Life
and Pyramid Snow Cap - on goes down quick the other packs a nice
7% punch!
and also doubly nice - the only place i hear about that dubya
fucker is on your page.... thank the flyin spaghetti monster for
that...
keep the shit rocking man i'll be reading even out here in the
9835something or other zip code (wash state)
peace out my drunk bro! |
You knew that email was going to make the update.
I'll leave it with this one from Big Pun. And yes, he did leave an
incoherent message on my phone last night. And yes, I was in bed. And
no, I don't wish I had made it to the Monty V.
| |
From: Big Pun
Subject: Snake's last night
Jon,
I realize that I may have left a vague and/or incomplete message
on your phone tonight. Following is the background information that
preceded that call… I'm not entirely sure if you were aware but
the Snake has been in town for a few weeks now and tonight (actually
last night and this morning) were his last moments in our fine mini-metropolis
before he heads down south to warmer weather in Tucson and then
on to Florida to ride with his new pro team. Regardless of the specifics,
one is forced to wonder. Where the hell were you tonight? I don’t
mean to beat the proverbial dead horse into glue; but shit, I really
could have used your help tonight. It was ugly and rather epic for
a short period. I wrote a story about it, wanna here it? It goes
a little something like this…
I went for a ride with Fitty and Debo this afternoon up and around
Baterville and Cheshire. I wasn’t a hard ride, but the end was
not really social as I practiced my greatest skill on a bike,
letting my fat ass use gravity to its advantage to downhill sprint
with Fitty for the line. It should be noted for all those who
have taken the time to read this far that Fitty wasn’t even sprinting
for the sign. However, whist he and Debo were chatting down 180
from Baterville, I was too scared to look back and kept it in
the big gear just in case that fast lil’ son of a bitch decided
to make a race out of it. Moving on…
I’m appropriately tired enough from this debacle of a ride to
sack out at about midnight tonight. At 12:45 am, our friend Snake
decides to call my cell. He says that whiskey drinks are $2.00
at the Monte V and that he has $20.00 with my name on it. We mumble
back and forth for a bit, he drunk and I sleeping, and eventually
I yell, “Be there in 15 minutes”
14 minutes later (12:59am mind you), Snake’s lady of the week
is calling my phone as I walk up behind Snake and JB at the bar.
Snake, being the funny man that he is, thinks that it would be
amusing to order me four drinks at once to their one so that I
can catch up. I drained three of the four on principality and
listened to JB giggle the rest of the night away. So, drink, drink,
drink, shot, shot, shot, drink, drink, drink…and I’m getting loaded.
Snake then asks the question of the fucking century. I mean I
was honored to even be in is presence for this shit. I can imagine
the great thinkers of the world sitting around in ancient times,
Socrates, Plato, Copernicus, all of them asking the same questions
that the Snake posed to me on this fine evening: Do ya think anyone
has ever pissed in the corner of the Monte V? Now, I am by no
means a wise man, nor would I consider myself a reasonable man
under the influence of Alcohol; however, when a man like Snake
asks if anyone has ever pissed in the corner of the Monte V, I
say I don’t know but I sure would appreciate him trying.
Snake then proceeds to whip out the little guy and piss all over
the front of the bar and the floor of the Monte V. I can’t express
to you how proud I was at that moment. It’s good to see the little
guys grow up to a point where they can hold their own.
I don’t remember much after that. I think that a number of people
may have come over to talk to me but ended up just standing in
urine while I laughed and stared at Snake at the other end of
the bar. After that, I just rode the fixey home and decided that
you needed to hear about the night that the Snake marked Flag
as his home territory by pissing on the bar. I’m gonna miss that
bastard.
Good gravy, that’s a bit of writing. Oh well, read it at your
leisure. I leave for California tomorrow for the holidays. Hope
to see you for the New Year. Snake may come back for that little
Fiesta, stay clear of his crotch or he may decide to mark you.
Peace, Love and Garlic Flavored Handjobs,
Biggus Tickleus Punnis IV |
Oh fuck all. I'm leaving work early today to ride my fucking bike.
Seems I need to get away. The news of the day is all about Bush. Go
figure.
Anyway, right into the email.
| |
From: Guy Slarbzdode
Subject: Understanding and Tolerance
You see,
I am a busy man. I am a professional dick taster and dick tasting
judge. To a person who has never witnessed dick tasting before,
the behavior may seem rather strange. The whole process has four
different stages: observing, smelling, tasting and swallowing. The
first step is to pull out the dick, tilt it to a forty-five degree
angle so that you can observe the dick's color and appearance. The
second is to gently swirl the dick and then take a quick whiff of
the dick's aroma. Next the taster takes big mouthful of dick and
swishes the dick around his mouth to allow all the taste buds to
absorb the gamut of flavors. Lastly, the swallow (some spit but
it is frowned upon by most). The entire procedure may seem rather
comical and primitive to a novice observer.
But that's not why I am writing to you. The foothills in my town
are plagued with "cyclist" who constantly interfering with my
commute via automobile (I simply must bring my precious puppies
with me) to various location on a moments notice as my profession
which requires. Angry cyclist seem to always give me the finger
if I get too close to them and make them ride in the weeds where
they belong in the 1st place. One time a young man threatened
"don't make me pull you out of that car and defend myself!" whatever
that means. Anyway, I am forced to share the roads with all the
cyclist, the least that they could do is understand that I AM
LATE TO A DICK TASTING CONTEST!
Perhaps if you post this, we can understand each other and you
all can be more accommodating.
Sincerely,
Guy Slarbzdode |
We do what we can. Share to road. Even with dick tasters.
Today's massive link list. Enjoy.
[wiretaps] themoderatevoice.com/posts/1135200457.shtml
[wiretaps] opinioneditorials.com/freedomwriters/jcpp_20051222.html
[wiretaps] upi.com/NewsTrack/view.php?StoryID=20051221-070734-5568r
[wiretaps] nytimes.com/2005/12/21/politics/21nsa.html
[op/ed] pittsburghlive.com/x/tribune-review/trib/newssummary/s_406584.html
[race] 12darkhours.com/default_3.htm
[video] video.google.com/videoplay?docid=515642196227308929
[video] baitcar.com
[delay] news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051221/ap_on_go_co/delay_living_on_donors
[read] cnn.com/2005/US/12/21/police.fired/index.html
[dover] mediamatters.org/items/200512210006
[call] safetyfile.com/articles/Identity-Theft.html
[nypd] nytimes.com/2005/12/22/nyregion/22police.html
[video] video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9065519703298693980&q=ass
One more thing, I found this today: newsbusters.org/node/3322.
It's good read on a program called Echelon stated back in the Clinton
years. Because we apparently cannot talk about the misdeeds of the Bush
Presidency without also dragging out everything Clinton ever did.
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Here is a series of email I got from
Snake last night and this morning:
| |
From: Snake
Subject: Computer
-My computer has a virus. Big Pun has been working on it for 2 hours
now. I'm so happy.
-Big Pun was here from 6pm to 12pm midnight. Half a bottle of
scotch and a 1/4 a bottle of Seagrams 7 and a Bud Light and it
was all fixed. That guy is a pro.
-I had water and just watched the show. Unreal.
West Coast Pun rules. |
West Coast Pun does rule.
What's happening in this country?
I really don't get it.
I'll do what I can.
Later today, more of Roger and me. You know you love it.
Straight to the links ‘cause I feel like my heads in a vise.
[stolen bike] forums.mtbr.com/showthread.php?t=152387
[rider] barbhaley.com
[read] washingtonpost.com
[game] 67.160.157.99/redhook/game/madhops.asp
[poll] drunkcyclist.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=277
[read] opednews.com/articles/opedne_anthony__051219_in_memoriam
[race] addictivecycles.com/singlespeed
[game] bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
[read] ohchr.org/english/law/cat.htm
[insanity] theconservativevoice.com/articles/article.html?id=10876
[abramoff] nytimes.com/2005/12/21/politics/21abramoff.html?...
[abramoff] washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/...
[wartime] washingtonmonthly.com/archives/individual/2005_12/007818.php
[biker down] edmontonsun.com/News/Alberta/2005/12/19/1359589-sun.html
Seems I've got fans everywhere.
| |
From: Roger
Subject: Fantastic
Big Johnny,
Another fine point about the evil doers in the white house. Do you
suppose that there might be a statute of limitations on these "illegal"
wire taps.
Wonderful Jamie Gorelick testified that these things were legal.
Now she views them as dangerous. Might Billie's actions have made
her change her mind?
And does Carnivore mean anything to you. How about CALEA. They
were and are government demanded, but not paid for by said government,
gatherers of email and voice data from your telephone and IP lines.
They are and were specifically targeted at US citizens. These
were developed and fielded during Billie's terms in office. Shall
they be now determined illegal? If they are; will this affect
Billie's legacy. And can Billie be prosecuted for these now illegal
actions?
You are a fucking twit.
Cheers and Merry Christmas |
Roger, the point you are missing is that Bush lied about the wire taps.
On more than one occasion. It was important when Clinton lied. Back
then all we talked about was the rule of law, how misdeeds by a President
could not be tolerated. And rightly so: Clinton fucked up. Do you now
suggest it does not matter if the President lies?
Second, the wiretaps may constitutes a breach of the law. Which will
be investigated. We are not talking about investigating Clinton. We
are talking about investigating the sitting President, the one I assume
you voted for, George Bush. I would have written the same thing if a
Democrat was in the White House.
Third, Clinton isn't the President anymore and has not been for years.
Why do you guys always go back to Clinton? I don't give a damn about
Clinton's legacy. That's his business, not mine. I care about my country.
I'm not going to waste my time defending the actions of Clinton. I'm
not some partisan hack who always attacks one side of the aisle and
defends the other. If a Democrat broke the law, there should be consequences.
The same with anyone who breaks the law, regardless of what party they
belong to.
You should read this, drudgereport.com/flash8,
as you will undoubtedly masturbate to its contents.
For some background on Jamie Gorelick and why she is mentioned here,
take a look at this write up over at captainsquartersblog.com.
Then read this OpEd piece Gorelick wrote The
Truth About the Wall.
When you've either finished the piece, or bored yourself to tears,
read this response
by Andrew MrCarthy.
Myabe I should extend the olive branch and buy Roger one of these?
Or maybe we should all heed the advice of the bullmoose?
Time for some more email:
| |
From: The Husky Midget
Subject: no subject
BDJ,
If anyone recently noticed that Hell froze over it's because The
Husky Midget has gotten back on the bike. And when I say back on
- I mean that I'm so into it that I've been trading my guns for
bike parts. If you knew who I was trading with, you'd probably sell
your house and move to another state. I've been riding my road bike
around Usury most Sundays even with the dried vomit still on the
bar tape from the one road race I did 6 years ago. I'm slowly getting
back to being myself. So sleep with one eye open from now on Jonny,
because I mean business. I might just come over, rip off my shirt,
vault down your stairs a few times, drink you out of house and home,
then check your ass off those rollers like something from a Canadien
Hockey flick. If I so much as ever catch you riding those complete
trinkets of gay-etry, you might get seriously hurt. I'd rather see
you pedaling a redundant bike around than pent up in your garage
wishing your name was Fast Eddy. Simply put - the more you admit
you ride rollers the more I'm embarrassed to admit that I know you.
And no god-fear'n Husky wants to feel that way. Just so you know
- its really quite embarrassing to hear you talk about doing "miles"
on the rollers. Instead of miles, why don't you call it mils. Just
throw some micrometers on you tires before each session, then after
you're done, mic then again to see how much rubber you burned off.
That's really all you're doing is burning off rubber in a less than
well ventilated garage. You might as well be sucking the chrome
off my exhaust tip while my truck's idling. But, I didn't write
you to break your balls.
What I wanted to tell you is that I will be at Old Pueblo this
year. I'd really like to get on a team - and I'm an official 1x1er
now. So if anyone wants to watch me race, drink, puke, repeat...please
get at a neighbor. I also need a sleeveless DC jersey so I can
air out the guns a bit.
I ran into Charlie Monday night. He was being a Pirate and only
around for one night. I had to stand him up for fear that we'd
kill someone or each other. I didn't really want to go to jail
either. I need to reach out to my cycling buds in Chapel Hill
NC. Keep grease in your hubs, MFers.
And lastly, if you're still gonna ride rollers I have a great
idea for you to get some incline interval training. You can start
out on the rollers, I'll throw my limp cyok under the front and
then flip though a Club magazine to lift you up 8 - 10 inches.
Then I'll look through a Plumpers and let you back down. I'm thinking
this would be a good way to practice hills - which you desperately
need. |
Oh shit. The fat fuck is riding again. You want a piece of me, Husky?
I'll have to put you on the squad.
| |
From: Vladimir
Subject: old pueblo video
Hey Jonny, with this year's race around the corner, I thought you
might like to check out a short video from the 2005 24 hrs in the
old pueblo. It's in the videography section of my site: vladfoto.com/main.php
Keep up the good work. |
Damn. I had almost forgotten how bad the weather got last year. Jesus,
that was rough.
Super cool video. I could even make out Jackass Justin and Abbey B.
bobbing along in the run. Go get 'em Jackass!
And one very drunk "Big Team" mechanic sharing his grapes.
A classic.
Registration is open for the 24
Hours in the Old Pueblo. Get at this one, folks.
Some guys lie about blowjobs. Some guys lie about illegal
wiretaps.
[video] thepostshow.com
[bull] nytimes.com/2005/12/20/politics/20fbi.html?
[tpm] talkingpointsmemo.com
[bush] msnbc.msn.com/id/10536559/site/newsweek
[fucked] americablog.blogspot.com/2005/12/pentagon-anti-terror-investigators.html
[read] defensetech.org
[cheney] seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/252583_cheney19.html
[insane] todaystrucking.com/news.cfm?intDocID=14218
[lies] foi.missouri.edu/secretcourts/seccrtrebuffs.html
[read] washingtonmonthly.com/archives/individual/2005_12/007810.php
I don't even know what to say about Bush. Really. I'm completely blown
away. This guy is so far out in right field on this one…
I wonder if he'll get impeached over these revelations?
He is, after all, operating a bit outside the lines. Illegally wiretapping
and spying on American citizens is worse than I ever imagined. And I
imagined quite a bit.
I feel it's about to get very ugly.
And it's a long time coming.
I'll leave it with these two quotes:
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Benjamin Franklin
"I would argue that the actions that we've taken there are totally
appropriate and consistent with the constitutional authority of the
president. ... You know, it's not an accident that we haven't been hit
in four years."
Dick Cheney (source)
I'll leave it to history will decide which man meant more to our great
country.
The dreaded Monday. And it's the week before Christmas. So shit is
fucking crawling.
Maybe I should be riding my bike?
Yeah right. Maybe I should be drinking. Seems like a far better way
to spend my time these days.
If you're like me, you were late to work this morning as you listened
to President
Bush's speech.
I'm too tired of his good old boy rhetoric to manage a comment.
Besides that I think he's full of shit, above the law, etc. Some very
interesting stuff going on these days. Dark site prisons, torture, wire
tapping American citizens without a warrant. The list just goes on and
on.
Links:
[blog] highgearomaha.blogspot.com
[fun] kilogramme.co.uk/snowgallery
[bush lied] feinstein.senate.gov/crs-intel.htm
[ant] averyant.com/video_satansanta.html
[kittens] cuteoverload.com
| |
From: Sean
Subject: Don't Sweat the Rapture!
Big Jonny,
Hey man no worries! I signed you up for a Rapture Letter so when
it begins you'll be one of the first to know!
Also, Congrats to Team Drunk Cyclist and your man at Cross Nationals!
That weather looked Epic. I'm waiting for those DC jerseys to
get minted, the new colors are fresh.
And lastly I should be going to Old Pueblo in February to help
the local shop defend their corporate title from last year. If
I see you there I'll introduce myself. That is if the Rapture
doesn't happen before then...
Best Wishes in the Afterlife,
-Z |
Thanks for looking out for a brother.
| |
From: Ewe L.
Subject: Airport Security
In the events leading up to the death of Rigoberto Alpizar, I think
the part that bother me most is the fact that a report released
at the same time states that our airports are safer now than they
ever have been, especially after 9/11. If that is so true, then
how could they have possibly believed he actually had a bomb?
Are they admitting it was conceivable that he could actually
have gotten onto a plane with a bomb? This is safe airline security?
All the pat downs, metal-detecting wand waving, shoe swabbing,
and interrogations are just humiliation with no benefit?
If the TSA doesn't trust its own techniques, what should we make
of that? |
And I'm out.
Sunday is the fun day. Or so I've heard.
Get up late, ride the bike, and start watching football. Life could
certainly be worse.
Link dump:
[hero] breitbart.com/news/2005/12/16/D8EHJHT02.html
[car] autos.aol.com/article?id=20051214171009990001
[racer] velonews.com/news/fea/9290.0.html
[wtf] answersingenesis.org/museum
[fun] 2prolly.com/diesel
[read] creators.com/opinion_show.cfm?columnsName=csa
[video] forums.mtbr.com/showpost.php?p=1424442&postcount=1
And on to the email.
| |
From: Pistol Pete
Subject: RE: Great News
Am still in Melaque. Slept last night in hammock. Was large night
with beer tequila dope etc. Will spend today riding slowly around
valley looking for house shack palapa or sumpin' to rent. Monday
will return to riverine campsite for jungle riding and kayak adventures.
I hear taco songs of noontime breakfast... |
Damn. I'm sitting here eating French Toast (sorry... Freedom Toast)
and thinking of better days south of the border.
Fuck winter.
| |
From: Logan
Subject: The whole Chuck Norris fad
The reason that you got 2 slightly different (but equally accurate)
bios of chuck norris is that there is a website that you can submit
your own facts and then rate the other ones, hotornot style. Then
people send you the top 30 at that second. |
You know, I was wondering about that...
Click here
to see what Logan it talking about.
| |
From: Carl
Subject: raceclean.org getting out of hand
What's up with this shit from "raceclean.org":
"Another funny story. Todd Wells gets to wear the stars and
stripes for the next year at cyclocross races. His coach Rick
Crawford must be proud..."See Todd, drugs are the answer!" Personally,
I stand by the assertion that 'cross is mostly clean, but this
stuff needs to just not happen anymore. And Troy Wells needs to
pick up a 2x4 and go Gaggioli on his brother - because Todd's
involvement with doping is going to wreck Troy's career. Either
because Todd may put his brother on the sauce (if he hasn't already?),
or because Todd Wells is gonna test positive one of these days
and discrace his brother. Well, actually, Todd Wells already is
a discrace to the sport, so I guess Troy Wells is stuck with him.
Birds of a feather. Is anybody else super tired of doping?"
I'm down with sticking it to confirmed dopers but making these
accusations without any proof is prettty fucked up. On his blog,
T. Wells is pretty candid about his feelings toward dopers. Granted,
I'm a T. Wells fan but I like to think that I would have the same
level of outrage for any domestic racer who tests clean, promotes
clean racing and is being hung on rumor and innuendo."Uhhh, we
heard from a guy, who heard from guy, that someone may have heard
something about your coach offering someone else drugs". The only
place this type of evidence is going to be taken seriously is
at T. Well's libel suit against raceclean.org. Raceclean.org needs
to shit or get off the pot. |
I don't know what is up with that. I don't know the guys from raceclean.
And I don't know why I'm giving them juice by linking them.
I do know Todd Wells pretty good, and there is one guy I can say with
some certainty does not use performance enhancing drugs, it's Todd Wells.
Also, Drunkcyclist did not make the drug
free links page, but evilcycling
did.
If you think the boys over at Evil are "drug free" you don't know your
ass from a hole in the ground. But, of course, perhaps I am missing
the point:
"Here is the distinction that raceclean makes. If a person puffs
ganja or goes hiking in the woods picking shrooms, or anything similar
- they are not stealing anything from other racers. In fact, the recreational
drugs do not make then any faster at all. If anything puffing weed and
dropping shrooms will make you slower. And perhaps you will also lose
braincells. Not good. It should be avoided."
I guess the same applies to drunks like me?
Whatever.
Hoover Damn! I've just been informed that the "jp w/ candy bra" picture
I posted on Wednesday doesn't load. Well, it does now. Click here
to bask in the glory that is "jp".
It's Friday and I'm so ready to bounce up out this mother fucker. Let's
get to the links:
[war] rottenmac.com/war.pdf
[read] exparte.powerblogs.com
[fucked] mosnews.com/news/2005/12/15/tattoo.shtml
[racer] kerrylitka.com/october3diary.html
[lame] policeabuse.org
[more bullshit] theagitator.com/archives/025971.php#025971
[bike] antibike.blogspot.com
| |
From: Finch
Subject: Yo!
Hey, Jonny-
Could you please put this link in your link dump? This is an article
I read a few days ago about Rigoberto Alpizar, the guy a couple
of marshals murdered.
It's just awful, and I can't believe there isn't a bigger stink
about it. I hope his wife sues for all she can get. commonwonders.com/archives/col324.htm
|
The pundits are spinning saying (and perhaps rightly so) that the air
marshals have to make a split second decision to fire or not when a
suspect drops the "B-word" and does something like reach into a bag.
The bag could conceal a bomb, and the suspect could be reaching into
it to set it off.
So, it's a quick run down of options: Dispatch the guy (or girl) or
risk a bomb exploding.
But this case may not be as clear as the little scenario being bantered
about the airwaves. Other passengers are saying they never heard Mr.
Alpizar say "bomb". And he may well have been running away from what
he perceived as danger due to his mental disorder. In a sadly ironic
twist, he ran to the danger instead of away from it.
I'm very interested to see how this one plays out. I had read somewhere
Mr. Alpizar was shot on the runway. This article at Forbes
says he was shot on the "jetway". Since I wasn't exactly sure what a
jetway was, I check on dictionary.com.
Jetway: A trademark used for a telescoping corridor that extends from
an airport terminal to an aircraft, for the boarding and disembarkation
of passengers.
Regardless he was off the plane. Potential bomb not on plane = danger
past? Perhaps not. He's still in the airport with the risk of casualties
and extensive damage.
I've also heard people say it is strange that one, or both, of the
air marshals were already on the plane and actually chased Mr. Alpizar
off the plane. Why not just tackle the guy? There are two of you. Just
take his damn bag.
I guess it goes back to the same thing: You can't delay with the eminent
explosion of a bomb. Wresting the suspect to the ground, or struggling
for control of the bag may not prevent detonation of the weapon.
An ugly issue with not a lot of good answers.
| |
From: Kent K.
Subject: 30 facts about Chuck Norris
1-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he
is gay, but because he has run out of women.
3-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and
a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth,
and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
5- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips,
but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
6- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
7- Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
8- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until
he gets the information he wants.
9- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
10- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
11- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!"
and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat
in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and
five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the
blast went deaf.
12- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
13- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
14- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says,
"Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
15- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out
of sheer amazement.
16- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The
other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used
their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
17- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired
7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
18- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.
19- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
20- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
21- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
anyway.
22- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
23- Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal
of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he
persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3
month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through
the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
24- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms
and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to
attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
25- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually
"Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
disguise, " and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended
the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however,
so it was divided.
26- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a
canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
27- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not
die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to
the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen,
axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon
before you.
28- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at
her and saying "booya".
29- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
30- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't
see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. |
Another email that is almost the same, but somehow different:
| |
From: Sessa
Subject: kung fu fighting
1 - Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2 - Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
3 - Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5 - Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6 - Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out
of sheer amazement.
7 - To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired
7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
8 - Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He
spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
9 - The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10 - Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The
other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used
their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
11 - If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't
see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
12 - Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing
at her and saying "booya".
13 - Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until
he gets the information he wants.
14 - Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and
a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth,
and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
15 - There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.
16 - When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not
die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to
the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen,
axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon
before you.
17 - Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes,
just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
18 - Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is
hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear,
the food instantly catches on fire
19 - After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the
atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending
Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
20 - One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one
outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
21 - Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung
like Chuck Norris
22 - Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word.
He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown
at him, and the game forfeited.
23 - Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
24 - Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a
right.
25 - Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game,
but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris
replied, "That's no glitch."
26 - The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's
fist.
27 - Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your
doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections
have been known to last for up to 15 days.
28 - Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
29 - When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard.
He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole,
and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked
and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he
had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said,
"Never question Chuck Norris." |
And that's a lot of Chuck Norris.
As far as I'm concerned, Thursday is just one step closer to Friday.
And Friday kicks ass.
The weekend means one thing: Ride. Oh, and my continuing War
on Christmas. Fuck you O'Reilly.
That too.
Two ways to look at the same thing:
And then you have this:
I'll leave it to you to decide which side of the fence you're on.
Me? What side of the fence am I on?
Well, I'll say just this: Michele
Ferrari was convicted of sporting
fraud.
Were you guys paying attention to cycling in the 90's? Do you remember
the way Gewiss came out of the blocks in 1994? It was insane. Absolutely
insane. They won over 40 races in '94, including some pretty damn big
ones. (And check out my second brilliant use of the <li> tag in
as many days.)
Milan-San Remo (G. Furlan)
Liege-Bastogne-Liege (E. Berzin)
Fleche Wallone (Argentin, Furlan, Berzin, 1-2-3)
Giro d'Italia (E. Berzin)
Giro di Lombardia (V. Bobrik)
Their "doctor"? Michele Ferrari.
Another notable from the Ferrari salad days is Bjarne Riis. Yes,
he too was on Gewiss. Tour stages in '93 and '94. A podium spot in
1995. Then the big win in '96. Yeah. Read this.
And this
if you can read it. (Crappy French - English translator here)
Bottom line: It's all a big
mess.
[cokehead] radarmagazine.com/fresh-intelligence/...
[penis] recordonline.com/archive/2005/12/14/sn.html
[hooters] denverpost.com/food/ci_3303763
[college] buzznet.com/buzzwords/university%20western%20ontario
[tech support] newgrounds.com/portal/view/192820
[bike] news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051215/od_nm/poland_pensioner_dc
[calendar] beautyonthebike.com
[bush/anti-christ] bushisantichrist.com
[bush/lord] bushislord.com/index.php
I got this email today, fixed gear cross county fundraising ride.
This is the real deal folks. One hell of a ride for one hell of a
cause. Did I mention it was fixed?
I emailed up the event organizer, Michael Cosgrove, whose daughter
Dokota was diagnosed with Histiocytosis when she was six. This ride
will raise money for the Histiocytosis
Association of America. I even talked with him a bit on the telephone.
This is a good one, folks. You can throw money at the ride, or you
can "sponsor" a rider. Each individual cyclist has, or is
still working to raise $5,000. They are still, I believe, accepting
additional riders. They'll have to cap it sooner or later as it would
become a logistical nightmare if the group gets too big.
Read all about it in the links below:
| |
From: Brent
Subject: The Big Fix
In case you are not familiar with "The Big Fix" ride please see
details here. fixhistio.org
Yes, that is riding fixed gear bikes from Davis CA to West Newton
MA.
We are doing everything we can to help from providing hubs,
building custom bikes, generating exposure at trade shows, and
just getting the word out in general. It is a very worthy cause!
In short it is a disease that targets children and young adults.
The symptoms are like cancer and there is no known cure.
So here is the deal, for a mere $50 donation someone gets a
shot at 15 pairs of Phil Wood hubs. That is a sweet deal considering
if you only donate $50 you have a 1 in 200 chance.
Link here active.com/donate/fixhistio/philwood
Please help if you can.
Thanks for reading and happy holidays.
Brent |
You heard the man. Take a look at that action: 15 pairs of Phil Wood
hubs. They're capping this one at 200 entries, so you'll be enjoying
some damn good odds.
Can you imagine winning that type of booty? You'll be giving them
out as stocking stuffers for years.
Of course, if I win 'em, I'm keeping 'em.
| |
From: Jake
Subject: You Stingy Bastard
Dude, why won't you supply your neighborhood with broadband? It
doesn't cost you anything extra to not be a stingy, penny pinching
scrooge. Shit, I live in an apartment building and half the time
I'm connected to someone else's router, which is great because
it means I get better coverage when I drag the laptop around the
house. Also, when I do things that might get me put on a homeland
security watch list, I can do them from somebody else's IP address.
We all win. Come on, John, join the winning team! Free internet
for everybody (but you)! |
It's all about me. You all should know that by now.
Today is just one of those days. Can't get ahead at work. Can't
get out on the bike. Tired, hungry and grumpy. Look out world, here
I come.
Up late trying to sort out my internet connection at home. Seems
I though I'd a wireless network would be a good idea.
Yeah.
Seems the one I bought ain't the easiest to configure. Sure, I ran
the set up disc and did all that malarkey the put in the box. What
do they call that stuff, directions?
Pun called to let me know I'm a pussy for not being at the bar with
him. Then he told me I was a candy ass for my struggles with the router.
Yeah.
So, I get sick of getting nowhere with the damn thing. I get on the
phone with the super-friendly thick-accented folks over in India.
Yeah. Most of got those clowns on the cheap.
I run through the usual stuff, yeah, bought this thing, model number,
yeah, I have an internet connection, no it won't work right. I manage
to pretty much keep my shit together as they ask me questions like:
"Is the power cord plugged into the wall?"
"Is the power cord plugged into the router?"
"Is the ethernet cable plugged into the router?"
"Is the ethernet cable plugged into your computer?"
And so it went. Me fielding sophomoric questions all about nothing.
I try to tell 'em we're way beyond plugging it in. The thing works
fine. When I just plug it in. Already did that after the install bombed
twice. I know it works. The disc/install/whatever locked up on step
9.
I'm trying to configure the address filter/logon protocols/security/whatever.
I'm not looking to supply the neighborhood with free broadband internet
access. I run the disc, follow the directions, and it locks up.
These questions are really only thinly veiled attempts to piss me
the fuck off. I know it. And you know it. I didn't take the bait.
Nope. Kept a level head.
Like I was riding level
hubs.
I download some exe bullshit as per the super-friendly thick-accented
folks over in India direction. They give me a number to call back,
you know, just in case. I run it. Oh lookie, it says my router is
not supported…
Call back to talk with the second-level super-friendly thick-accented
folks over in India. Oh good, now we're going to manually configure
this puppy. Couldn't just do that in the first place, eh? Isn't that
what I called up and asked to do a half hour ago?
Yeah.
I'm sure Pun would have manually configured it while guzzling an
entire bottle of scotch and insulting my mother's storied linage.
Just because he can.
Fuck it. Runs now. What do I care?
Bringin' the links like my name was Drew
Curtis:
[scary] thegodmovie.com/clip-TheRapture.php
[fun] ravingatheist.com
[rude] rudepundit.blogspot.com
[murder] ogrish.com/archives/three_victims_of_murderer_stanley_tookie_williams
[read] talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/007238.php
[yellow] velonews.com/train/articles/9277.0.html
[ride] seemann.com/dm/archives/cycling/index.html
[racer] fatmarc.blogspot.com/2005/12/twice-this-year-i-have-done-races.html
[fun] fatmarc.blogspot.com/2005/12/just-what-goes-on-over-at-kona.html
[beer] rickmercer.blogspot.com
[mormon] celebritywizard.com/mormon_guide_to_overcoming_masturbation.html
[difficult] latimes.com/features/health/...?coll=la-home-health
Hey, I ain't saying Chris Horner can't ride a bike. 'Cause if there
is one thing I know, it's that guy can ride a bike.
He just don't do so well with the run
and carry part.
| |
From: Michael
Subject: All I want for Xmas
Is a Jesus flask. You know like in the song. Definitely hollow,
preferably plastic, and with a removable head. Bonus points if
it's velco-able to a dashboard. Can't seem to find one of these
anywhere, and since you're among the more irreverent drinkers
I know, I'd thought I start asking here. Google has already let
me down, but maybe that was just my lack of skillz.
Help a kid out- I got a lot of real good whiskey that needs a
portable, sacrilegious, home. |
You can reach Michael at jesusflask@gmail.com
| |
From: TimD
Subject: hey
Like your site, keep on keepin' on.
One of the Cross Nats promoters is one of my local road crew.
I pointed out Big Tex's message to him. His response?
"Big Tex doesn't have a clue."
Ride wrong -
TimD |
Oh, that rocks.
Tex, you made friends on your east coast swing. Good for you, champ.
Glad I got ya out there flying the colors.
| |
From: Uncle Brucie
Subject: Tex in RI
Tex reports from Providence:
"Great fun and crowds galore but some of the strangest things
I seen done by a promoter:
----you didn't have to pay to see the race but had to pay ($5)
to see the expo.
----If you wanted to eat you had to pay to get into the expo and
then pay to eat.
----If you wanted a beer, you had to pay to get into the expo,
then pay to get into a separate Beer Tent (also not allowed by
UCI), then you could buy a beer.
----no Starting grid per UCI rules but only wanted 8 guys on the
front row that was 45 feet wide.
----the biggest fault was today. Not recognizing Katie Compton
as the reigning US Champ."
The beer tent was free. The beer was $4.00 per glass. Other
than that he's right on. As a humble volunteer I was asked to
work the door at both the expo area and the beer tent. Most
people realized that money had to be made somehow and happily
complied.
The only real grief I got was from a handful of Vets and Masters
who should have known better than to be whiney bitches (think
California Giant Strawberries). These guys are old enough to
realize that they should be worrying about things more important
than a bike race. A few of these guys even bitched out my mother
in law who was there all weekend trying to keep these guys safe
and happy and harassed the beer ticket seller for doing her
job. The Pope was a cheap prick too.
I think there will be changes next year. I spoke with the food
vendor and the Thule guys and I know they weren't totally happy
about the arrangement.
Each rider got two free tickets (once the tickets showed up)
many just thought that they were above having to show them.
Many bike riders are pricks. No news there. Most the pros were
super and realized that they were there to race and represent
their sponsors. FWIW Jason again represented y'all well.
Friday was anarchy is the worst way. The promoters rebounded
strong for the weekend. For next year I am sure they will have
things down. I look forward to having the show in town again
next year.
p.s. Katie don't need no stinkin' call-up. Class is class and
it showed. |
Big Tex, spreading the love.
| |
From: jm
Subject: jp's training bra
hey jonny, we went to a party this weekend with the southern arizona
roadrunner's club. it was one of those gift exchange holiday parties.
mh and i decided to get our gifts at fascinations. the candy bra
i brought was the hit of the party. jp tried it on for size, but
i think he's just a little too small to fill those cups. somewhere
there's another photo out there of mh and i sucking the candy
off his chest....incriminating. it's definitely time for you to
come down to tucson. |
Oh my… That one takes the fucking prize.
| |
From: Dejay
Subject: g.love said
i'm comin home,
here in this frozen land. Dallas Tx. last night i froze my ASS
off(sweat pant, long sleeve shirt, wool socks, inside my sleeping
bag, in the rv) I'm only what it feels like, inches(953.38m(13h55m)
from the place where i want to rest my head for 2sun rises, that
crest the same mountains. Just so I can say i'm home. Dry dessert
air, i hear it is cold there. cactus that blocks the sky. rocks
that are bigger then, who i'm I. Is this a lesson, that will be
learned in time? give me what i can git used to, then it may feel
like it is mine. but then again it is all on borrowed time.
only let your thoughts get interrupted with what is artistic
i am Unable to share what i see, as close my eyes |
Well, it's dark out. I guess I'm going to head out to the garage
and have a spin on the old rollers.
My fat ass needs it.
Happy Tuesday.
Or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, and all types of shit…
Just shoot me already.
I spent the night bullshitting with Lovedog. That fit bastard. I
drank tea. He drank water.
I heard Wolf busted his collar bone down around Mazatlan way. Something
about an oily corner, going down and sliding into the curb. Sounds
like hell
He's a hockey player. He'll be back.
[murder] cnn.com/2005/LAW/12/13/williams.execution/index.html
[diary] kerrylitka.com/diaryindex.html
[lame] sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/12/13/BORP.TMP
[bullshit] theagitator.com/archives/025962.php#025962
[bike] news4jax.com/news/5517713/detail.html?rss=jax&psp=news
Some news from south of the border.
| |
From: Pistol Pete
Subject: RE: 1 speed of doom
Rode out to State Line today. Jalisco-Colima that is. Amazed my
friends... This place is a paradise for singlespeeding. Met some
crazy campesino hipster singlespeed cat yesterday. Said gears
are for rich pussies. Said all you need is a big fat toke and
a will to GO! Or sumpin´to that effect. I mentioned fixed gear.
Have you ever seen someone´s jaw drop in real life? No shit...
Found new camp spot. Will go tomorrow to check it out. All the
locals swear it´s the shit. Up in the canyons, followin´my roots.
I think I´ve finally adjusted to being here. I don´t know how
I´ll ever go back up there to tell the truth. I´m not stealing
from unemployment this time. I really AM looking for a job. The
U.S. seems very far away... |
Shit. I need me some of that.
Is it time to go to Tucson?
| |
From: pz
Subject: ready
Damn. I did 4 20 minute efforts on lemmon yesterday then spent
an hour behind the motor. I am so ready to kick your ass. |
Yikes.
Garro Palooza went off without a hitch. I got good and loaded. Seemed
like the thing to do. Call me crazy…
Woke up pretty much in the gutter after a way frozen and way drunken
ride home at 2:00 am. Up and at 'em five hours later for some single
speed mtb action down in Sedona. Funny how a 35 mile drive (or so)
can greatly improve my outlook on things. Of course, it was also substantially
warmer down there.
And my sissy ass likes warm.
It's hard seeing one of your buddies hurt. One of those things were
it ain't real easy to find the words. It really got to me. I've been
hit by cars five or six times now. And each time I've been damn lucky.
Let's all be careful out there, keep the rubber side down and all
that.
Get your link on:
[read] cyclingnews.com/sponsors/italia/2004/colnago/?id=colnago1
[rider] cows-suck.blogspot.com
[site] humanpoweredtransport.net
[video] lgf.be/client_popup.cfm?fileURL=clients/prox/tv/prox26.flv
[evil] goatheads.com
Click for pic
and then for cyclingnews
coverage from the U.S. national cyclocross championship. I even got
an race report from our own Big Tex.
| |
From: Big Tex Tullous
Subject: MUSH in the SLUSH
If you were looking for a cross race that dreams are made of,
we got it this year. Actually, we have had that race the past
three years. With 8 inches of snow dumping on the course the night
before and hundreds of racers racing the morning before the Elite
race, the race became a mush in the slush.
The promoters even decided to keep the ice and slush on the
start despite the protests from UCI officials---apparently ice
on the start is not UCI Legal. We saw why 5 seconds after the
starter's gun went off. A poor soul caught an ice rut and immediately
went from the front middle of the pack to the far right taking
down a good portion of the men's field. At the first corner,
another large portion was taken down as everyone went from 26mph
to 5mph on ice to take the first right.
I got lucky for the start with guys flying left and right up
and down. I held my 40sish start out of 100+.
So the game begins. I fell on my own. I fell with the help
of other racers. The fact is I fell a lot. I even fell into
a face full of mud on one of the 4 run ups---remember I hate
to run and now we have 4 if you don't fall down but probably
5. The leaders are gone with T Wells leading the charge. Treefarm
brought him back to only drop his chain with half a lap to go.
Without that chain drop, there would have been a sprint. But
there was a chain drop and T Wells pulled a much deserved win
by 3 seconds. Treefarm was disappointed of course but headed
back to Belgium for some more CX Love till Worlds.
The course was good but you could only pass on the pavement.
Every time you ventured off the muddy single track, you caught
an ice rut and went some direction. I made my way to the mid
20s and rode with Horner---not bad.
Despite the results, I did finish. As Horner and I were about
to get lapped, Horner sped up and I slowed down to watch the
last run up between Wells and Treefarm. The officials took my
number along with the guy beside me but gave me a DNF and him
a placing. Oh well. DNF or 28th? Take your pick.
Great fun and crowds galore but some of the strangest things
I seen done by a promoter:
----you didn't have to pay to see the race but had to pay ($5)
to see the expo.
----If you wanted to eat you had to pay to get into the expo
and then pay to eat.
----If you wanted a beer, you had to pay to get into the expo,
then pay to get into a separate Beer Tent (also not allowed
by UCI), then you could buy a beer.
----no Starting grid per UCI rules but only wanted 8 guys on
the front row that was 45 feet wide.
----the biggest fault was today. Not recognizing Katie Compton
as the reigning US Champ.
Yes, she doesn't have any UCI points for a call up but at least
recognize the bad ass. In the rules by the promoter he even
states he will call up last years top 20 finishers from Nationals.
I and others thought that was a little rude. Anyhow, she started
3 rows back and kicked everyone's ass. She won by over 1.5 minutes.
A Knapp stayed close but by lap 3 Katie was gone. Even during
the race, the local announcer seemingly refused to talk about
Compton but then our man Dave Towles got on mike. No soccer
moms were out but Dave put the word out on Compton and the Colorado
Cross scene. Thanks Dave and we look forward to hearing you
at the Boulder UCI races next year.
Great weekend and great races. Cross is over for us but the
Voodoo riders are still at large. Look for us at the 24hrs of
Old Pueblo. And I must say Happy Holidays to all and to all
a good night. |
And now a little something from the drunk crowd:
| |
From: robert
Subject: fuckn good enougggh
BJ
dude, brah, y eat again mj and i are fuicking drukn
a keg a of pbr will do that to a man.
whatever dude, stop the fucking tainrer bullshit, and ride
in the cold.
upstate ny is way worse than flag. so fuck off
robert and MJ
drunk as usual |
Drunk as usual? Gentlemen, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Oh yeah. Friday. It just can't come soon enough. With the week I've
been having, I'll probably need to work on the weekend. Oh, it pains
me.
I can't wait to go out and get at it. And yeah I'm talking 'bout
Garro
Palooza.
Let's get to them linky links:
[song] youtube.com/watch.php?v=lr_HR-iIlYg
[insanity] talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/007217.php
[cross] velonews.com/race/cyc/articles/9261.0.html
[LA] Lance
part one
[LA] Lance
part two
Well, lookie here, I just got my first ever text message. And it's
from Hoyt.
That little bitch told me "Get fucked, you softy"
Damn.
What a pal.
| |
From: bike psyke
Subject: Kerry Litka
Yo Big Jonny,
I was amazed to see the link to Kerry Litka on your webpage. She's
actually a pretty good friend of mine, and we train together pretty
regularly. If you've never been up close to a 29 year old woman
who is 4'11" and weighs 95 pounds, it's even more bizarre than
you can imagine. If you think she looks like she's 12 years old
on her website, she looks even _more_ like a 12 year old up close.
To make matters worse, her boyfriend is built like you and he's
45. They were both at a local race this year, and a local photographer
came up to them and started talking about how great it was that
young women were getting into the sport, then looked at her boyfriend
and commented that it's good to see support from her parents.
He said, "yup, I love my little girl" and gave her a big tongue
kiss. He didn't take their picture. |
Kinda wish he had taken the photo. Or someone had taken a photo of
his reaction. I'll bet it was pretty damn funny.
And I like funny.
Some news from the one and only Big Tex:
| |
From: Big Tex
Subject: Pre Race Shivers
So I've been in New England for a week now and I say to myself---Why?
With snow every couple of days and blustering New England Winds,
this has been a less than spectacular trip. I've been mostly holed
up in the basement of my host house---Half Wheel Mike's parents.
At least it has been warmer than Colorado Springs with negative
temperatures there for most the week.
Well, today is the day before the race. I awoke to snow, rain,
and wind. Mike decided to drive down to Providence to take a look
at the course and spectate. I haven't been seeing the courses
a day early all season and with the weather, I stayed in the basement.
About 1:30, the clouds cleared and the rain slowed. I took advantage
and got outside for a quick hour ride just to get my legs going.
Beautiful ride. I rode against the wind down to the canal did
a couple of efforts and coasted back with the tailwind and actually
some sunshine. It was by far, the best ride of the week. Yes,
it was cold and I got rained on some but I had a blast out there.
Now, the snow is back and "white out" conditions so I got lucky.
I see everyone has been doing their Pre race favorites and
they seem to be leaving out the entire Voodoo Drunkcyclist team.
What's the Fuck? We've been out there battling it out just like
everyone else. No none of us have been to Europe. And we haven't
won any Nationals nor have we accumulated a mass of UCI points.
But, we have been having fun just like 99% of every other cross
racer. Racing is bout fun and it must be when you see 160 guys
registered for the 35+class to race in the frozen snow and sand
of Rhode Island---If you are not in the top 30 at the beginning
your race is not a race to win but a race against yourself and
for the pure enjoyment of suffering in the cold, wet sand and
mud. Beautiful, yet a little crazy.
So, I'm just kidding about not seeing our team in lights when
it comes to prerace favorites. We are here to enjoy the pain
cave and beat down the demons---that's not saying we're not
trying to win. And why not a better place to do it than here
in the Northeast with our Voodoo Limbas and Drunkcylist jersey's....Pass
me the beer.
As far as my predictions....Men- OLE' OLE' OLE' Watch out for
the Wild Weenie T Wells. He will surprise everyone and don't
count out the Drunkcyclist.
Women- None other than the Gimp Giver Katie Compton. She races
on a different level than everyone else---to bad Lynn Bessette
is Canadian.
Race is tomorrow and Sunday....Here we go. |
There is a pic of the old boy over at cyclingnews.com.
(sorry - just figured out the link was broken...)
Something I heard today, "He's got six pairs of shoes, and every
one of 'em looks like a dinner roll."
You just can't make shit like that up.
More on Garro.
Of course, I'll make mention of Garro
Palooza. And check out this fund raising Mantis
XCR.
You gotta check these two out: vipcrew.com
and 40inchplus.com
Off the hook.
[coulter] cnn.com/2005/US/12/08/coulter.row.ap/index.html
[ride] post-gazette.com/pg/05330/612834.stm
[results] dannychew.com/dd_05.html
[bike] engadget.com/entry/1234000420071637
[cool] fuh2.com/BuyPosterFlash.php
| |
From: Jess
Subject: Anthrax Scare At South Philadelphia Sports Complex
Associated Press
Anthrax Scare At South Philadelphia Sports Complex
Eagles football practice was delayed nearly two hours today
after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance
on the practice field. Head Coach Andy Reid immediately suspended
practice while police and federal investigators were called
to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined
that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal
line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team
was unlikely to encounter the substance again. |
Ah shit.
Time to ride the trainer.
Time to make fun of jonny.
Well, it is 5:31 as I write this. Getting darker by the moment. Seems
the only riding I'll be doing today is in the garage. Back in front
of the '94 Giro you'll find me, warm and happy, learning how to spin
again.
Good times.
I think Wolf told me once, "On the bike, you can eat anything.
As long as your on a bike."
I wonder if piddling away in the garage counts? Can I drink right out
of the flask? Handfuls of jerky?
Somehow I think Wolf would disapprove.
If you get as pissed as I do out there on America's highways and byways,
feeling like you're the only damn person to utilize the right hand lane,
then you may enjoy this next one: drive
right pass left. This guy just hit one out of the park as far as
I'm concerned.
Today's link assemblage:
[hero] velonews.com/race/int/articles/9244.0.html
[scary] web.telia.com/~u87510733/porn
[race] malignant.blogs.com/blogshite/2005/12/life_creeps_bac.html
[hair] cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=photos/...ski_challenge/cipollini_argentin
[bush] mirror.co.uk/news/...=exclusive--bush-plot-to-bomb-his-arab-ally
[bush] news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story...isgeorgebushtheworstpresidentever
[quiz] quizilla.com/users/Entropicalia/quizzes/You Know Yer Indie
[philly] strutthemovie.com
[bs] cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/12/07/bush.iraq/index.html
[funny] furnitureporn.com
[racer] kerrylitka.com
Glad to get through that. A couple of those hurt.
This next one really hurt.
| |
From: Erik
Subject: Kid on bike killed by Semi
Jonny,
Winter is biting down hard here in the Twin Cities. My close friend
was one of three eye-witnesses to an awful accident that took place
yesterday in Coon Rapids, a suburb Northwest of Minneapolis.
17 year old kid on bike, crossing at crosswalk with green light, run
over by semi-truck. went under 3 axles. Pronounced dead on the scene.
http://www.startribune.com/stories/462/5767791.html
http://wcco.com/topstories/local_story_340114358.html
(with news video)
Not much more to say.
|
There really isn't more to say... It's a horrible thing. Seventeen.
Getting ready to graduate this spring.
My condolences to his friends and family.
Lets be careful out there people.
It's official, the Eagles
suck. Welcome to the pain of a Philly
sports fan.
Win some, lose most.
Last night was just plain ugly. Blanked at home to the tune of 42 unanswered
points. Jesus. It was brutal to watch. And, according to the article
I linked above, this was "Philadelphia's worst loss since a 38-0 flop
against Seattle to open the 1998 season." And, "It was the Eagles' worst
home loss since they were beaten 49-0 by Green Bay in 1962"
Oh, I am so happy.
[arenberg] velonews.com/race/int/articles/9243.0.html
[eagles] sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2249078
[hoss dog] velonews.com/galleries/contest22a/Flight
of the Pigs 2001 Jim Wilcox
[ipod] engadget.com/entry/1234000880071205/
[lame] cgi.money.cnn.com/tools/costofliving/costofliving.html?...
[video] Inglewood
Jack
[shop] broadwaybikes.net
[helmet] noginsox.com/services.html
[casey] l3ftb3h1nd.com/coppermine/displayimage.php?album=12&pos=7
My man Casey Flakerson's new shit (above) is off the hook.
I got in a nice little hour on the rollers today. I know, I know, it was a beautiful day outside. Fuck that. It was cold and I'm a wuss. It's already been established. On this very website. I'm a wuss.
Anyway, I opted for indoor riding and got my sweat on.
I needed a little roller time anyway. Apparently. I started out really
dodgy, just all over the place. The rollers may drive me insane a little
later in the winter, but today it was white knuckle action. I had to
really think about what I was doing. Not like a month from now when
you can just motor along with that nice suppleness that comes with the
miles.
Today was nothing of the sort. Today I sucked.
At one point, in a moment of inattention, I rode off the left side of the rollers. The front one first, thud. Then the rear followed. And I was falling.
Lucky for me I was thoughtful enough to use a chair to steady myself as I started.
This chair was to my right. I reached out for it, soon realizing this
was a bit past the "steady yourself with your hand" stage. I was in
dire need of something drastic.
So I fell on the chair. My knee outstretched, I landed on the padding, one hand on the chair back, one on the bars. Man, I felt like a dumbass. Even the dog looked at me funny after that one.
And so it goes.
| |
From: Lukas
Subject: Bike Punk 05
Big J.
You shoulda made it back to your home state for the Punk Bike Enduro 05 - beer and bikes and mud. New snow and mud and a buzz kept things interesting - literally had no brakes for one of the downhill sections. I rode the single speed Karate Monkey. The only stage I woulda placed in the top 7 on I got lost along with a buncha others and did a repeat of the first stage. I think it was the buzz. Good times. One of the local women was sporting an eagle head taped to her helmet - didn't help for Monday's game I'm afraid.
Thread here:
dirtragmag.com/forums/...=punk+bike
Pics here:
pbase.com/porc/punk_bike_december_4_2005
dirtragmag.com/gal/showgallery.php?cat=564
|
Yeah, I can see I should have made it back for that one.
As it stands, I did make the SSWC. That was quite an achievement in and of
itself, the week after Leadville and all. I'm surprised I could get
out of my own way.
Or course, that last point is debatable.
| |
From: Snake
Subject: Reply to Racer
Damn Racer why do you have to call me out like that. Well lets see here
what I can dig up on you. Lets just go to this years Leadville. Because
this is last time I can remember racing against you.
30002 Jacob Rubelt Flagstaff, AZ 007:26:03 M31
1460328 Jared Gibson Provo, UT 009:32:21 M361
Dude that's two hours. Count them both if you can, TWO. In that amount of time
I am already back at the hotel, I have eaten, showered, napped,
woke back up eaten again, played with my niece and nephew, and
started to drink beer and think about my 4th yes 4th big buckle.
So my question to you is, where is your big belt buckle? Should
I send you a photo of one of mine?
If you come at me on DC. You had better be ready.
|
And since both the above-mentioned finishing times were better than mine, I'll just shut the hell up. That big skinny bastard beat me by a minute and half. Shit. Next year, I'm gonna wreck 'em.
Anything to win, right?
| |
From: Uncle Brucie
Subject: Hi neighbor, have a Gansett
It was good to see the DC Voodoo jersey in RI. Both days of racing
were great. Tex really rocked it Sunday. It was fucking cold.
'Gansett should be the beer on tap for the nationals. narragansettbeer.net
Not as sissy as the website would have you believe. It was the
workingman's beer in New England for decades. The last owner of
the brand was Pabst. It is now a northeast beer again. |
Well, here's to beer.
One more and I'm out.
Mantis
XCR. Proceeds to benefit my man Steve Garro. Word.
This Saturday: Garro
Palooza
Check out DC/Voodoo rider Doug
Ryden at the San Francisco GP scooping up dollar bills. Work that
shit, baby. And here's a short quicktime presentation of Snake way out
on front on Saturday's race.
Smooth.
[bikes] adventurefind.com/hbfk/hbfk.html
[racer] racerjared.com
[drunk] moderndrunkardmagazine.com/issues/07_05/0705_8_hours.htm
[racer] pbase.com/sdukes/angie_koppa
[eagles] sports.espn.go.com/nfl/preview?gameId=251205021
This just in: I am apparently a pussy.
| |
From: Ernesto
Subject: Cold?
"I attempted to ride this morning in what the thermometer called
26 degree weather. Add the wind in the mix and you got a recipe
for bullshit."
Wuss, its 1 deg here. After I type this I have to put the laptop
in the mess. Bag...and ride to work.
Your Wisconsinite,
Ernesto |
Yep. I'm a wuss.
Pathetic, ain't it?
Cross news from back east:
| |
From: Big Tex
Subject: Perfect weather for an ICY MIKE
Wazoo! Out of rhythm
It snowed overnight a fluffy two inches and it's still snowing as
we drive just south of Providence for the final Verge Series race
of the year. Half wheel Mike and I walk down to registration and
walk the course shivering. The course is on the bay and wind is
blowing along with rain. After a pavement section, they send you
onto the beach. I like running on the beach but not in wintery rain
with a bike on my shoulder. Actually, I hate running anytime.
For a warm up I put on my yellow sailor suit and borrow a trainer.
You know its cold when the rain is freezing into ice on your stem,
glasses, cables, housing, frame, fork, every part of everything.
The field is only slightly smaller than yesterday and the course
is much tighter. You know it's cold when they are putting sand and
salt on the corners of the course.
I get CALLED UP to the 4th row. It's a mad sprint to the first
beach run (yes, there are two). I actually move up well into 15th.
I'm not getting into any rhythm today. At the halfway mark, I'm
suffering well and riding with Jeremy Powers and two other guys.
Third Fourth and Fifth are only 10 seconds up. I go to the front
and make a big push to drop the guys I'm with and/or catch up
to the final podium spot.
McCormick and Johnson are not putting time on us but about 45
seconds up the road. In my big push, I only give myself more suffering.
The gap stayed the same and I still have 3 guys with me. The runs
are killing me.
We basically stay together with the Canadian pulling away at
the sprint. In the final beach run, I get dropped and catch on
to sprint but have nothing. It's ninth and feels better. I can
barely walk today but can drink coffee so it's good.
Congrats to Snake on the AZ State win. I think that brings our
team wins up to 7 for the season. Awesome. Steve almost won the
CO SS CX Championships. Two more races.
I also got a call from the Boston division of Drunkcyclist. They
plan on coming down to Providence for Nationals and wanted to
know what kind of beer should be in the keg. PBR I pronounced.
The Drunkcyclist team will be in full force of public drunkeness
and bike riding next weekend. Come out and show your support.
Audi 1000
Starting the day in the dark and ending the day in the dark is
never fun. We do it all the time but when never see the light
of the day and only the unnatural lights of the newstands and
Starbucks at airports, you feel like you missed something. Friday,
I took an early morning flight from Denver to get to Boston. I
had some vacation hours I needed to use up before the end of the
year so I decided on the Eastcoast cross Nationals warm up instead
of the CO State Championships.
I'm traveling with Half Wheel Mike since he was headed this way
and his parents live on Cape Cod----Nice place overlooking the
sea from 200 feet up.
Anyway, it's cool to see his double bike bag come out on the
conveyor belt and all the people become amazed at how huge a bag
the airlines will allow you.
So we arrive and sleep---always good at sea level. After getting
up and eating some eggs and toast, we drive the rental 2 hours
south to the southernmost part of Rhode Island. Mike shows me
the sights as we drive by---theres the Maritime Museum. Theres
the top of a battleship. I wasn't too worried. We're here for
a week and Plymouth Rock is sure to have their own micro brew.
We find the course after all the twists and turns in the roads.
Just about everyone's here including T Wells, A Craig, T Johnson,
etc... The course is awesome with tons of grass and a few run
ups. Crowds are abound with cow bells, coffee, and beer. The weather
is a crisp 30 with lots of wind taking the temp down to 25. At
least the sun is shining.
The call up---I traveled all the way to North Carolina in hope
of some UCI points. I got 6. Not much but something. They don't
call me up. Apparently, the points are not official until the
UCI posts the points which happens after a World Cup. No worries.
I am used to starting in the back.
The gun goes off. I start pretty well and get into the 30s on
the first lap. It's fast and furious with no bad crashes that
I saw. I hear about the leaders but never see them. Apparently
T Wells took off after a barrier bunny hop and never looked back.
In the meantime, I working and get up to a group of 4. We're 12-16.
I can see a couple more guys up the course but we're not gaining
ground.
With nothing left in my legs, I take 2nd in our group for 13th.
Not great but a good starting point. You ever feel like you had
a just a little more and didn't use it. This is how I felt like
I got into a rhythm and just stayed there.
The bike rode well and from the looks of the weather channel,
I'll get to test out the Wazoo in the snow tomorrow.
Looking for an out of rhythm experience. |
One more on the cross tip.
Racer, you beat his ass like a god damn drum.
Don't ever stop reminding him of that.
I know I won't.
Keep next Saturday open on your calendars, it's Garro
Palooza time ladies and gentleman.
I attempted to ride this morning in what the thermometer called 26
degree weather. Add the wind in the mix and you got a recipe for bullshit.
I made it approximately a half mile from my house before I turned around
and went back home. It was that lame.
Lucky for me I had the AZ State Cross race to watch later in the day.
So I drove my happy ass over to campus and stood around in the wind.
Damn glad I wasn't riding, I'll tell you that much.
Snake was out flying the DC colors. By the third lap he was in the
lead. I got a picture of him flying by on the back part of the course,
the middle one below, with the Peaks in the background. Of course, I
also got his head in the shadow of a tree. I'm pretty sure I couldn't
fuck it up that bad if I tried. As he rode by he said,"Put
the champagne on ice."
The man is a stone cold player.
Jake Rubelt, DC/Voodoo, is the new Arizona State Cross Champion.
And he signed with Aerospace
this week. You could say he's on a roll.
[music] kakiking.com
[game] banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf
[Lemond] velonews.com/news/fea/9232.0.html
[funny] 40.brinkster.com/muddyhorseshoes/index.asp
[bike] ryantrebon.blog.com
And do check out Laek
House coming straight at ya from the East Village in New York City.
A way bigger town than I could manage to live in, but a fun place to
visit.
| |
From: Big Tex
Subject: Carolina Cross
I apologize for the late report. Turkey day consumed me for a week.
Basically, I flew to North Carolina to visit some friends, race
some cross, and drink what the local breweries had to offer. I arrived
at the airport and so did my bike. Good. Good. As I was on my way
to the rental car counter I see Half Wheel Mike (2004 Voodoo/Drunkcyclist
Alumni now graduated to the Carolina Kona CX team). He's alone and
waiting 5 hours for his ride to arrive. Bummer.
He's got a double bike bag but I offer him a spot in my car if we
can fit it all. The Thrifty agent thought we were crazy wanting
to fit this double bike bag, a bike hardcase, 3 bags, and 2 weekend
cross warriors into the economical Dodge Neon. The agent didn't
even let us try. He upgraded us to the STATUS. Now ain't that special.
We stuffed it all in and two hours later we are in Asheville, NC.
Half wheel Mike just stayed with me for the weekend at the Izzards.
Good friends with a 7 week old baby. They warned us but I had no
idea how much babies cry. Now she's a beautiful little girl with
a set of lungs on her. I can say that birth control is a good thing
for me right now----good luck to you know who. Actually, it wasn't
bad as I thought it would be. I slept like a baby especially with
the drop in elevation.
Day 1---Pancakes and Smoothies was the call for the pre race
meal. The day was a cool 50 degrees with gray skies. The course
was awesome. Very freeflowing grass and non technical----totally
opposite from Colorado. No problem. They call up all of the racers
with UCI Points, NC series points, and Georgia series points.
What about Colorado and the other 46 states? By that time I accepted
my fate of starting in the back. After a bad start, it took me
about 20 minutes to catch the lead group of 8. Then the race was
like a crit with attacks and no one wanting to work. With two
to go, we had 8 of us left and I started to fall apart. No explanation
but with 500m to go, I could not accelerate and placed 8th. Jon
Hamblin rode well and won by 25 seconds.
Day2---More Pancakes and more flat legs. I got a better start
and made the lead group right away but who didn't with no technical
aspects of the course. I'm not complaining. I love the change
of pace. With 3 to go, I got dropped. With one to go, I barely
climbed back on and positioned myself well. Except there was a
small climb near the end. It was bad. My left leg sputtered. My
right leg backfired. And them both of them blew. I got 9th out
of 9.
You can call what you want but I got my ass kicked. Hard to swallow
but I'll be back for more. Half wheel mike faired no better with
a couple of 14ers. Great course and the announcer somehow dug
up some dirt on me. MMMMMMmmmmm?
So I had some DC fans there with their cowbells and beers in
the pit. Even DJ Birch showed up out of the woods. That night
we sampled many of Asheville bars and beers. I'll have to return.
|
And that ain't all of it.
| |
From: Big Tex
Subject: Back to altitude
Back to real time and Altitude. Turkey day did me well. I returned
from a 3hr MTB ride to 3 pies, 11lbs of turkey, mashed potatoes,
sweet potatoes, and stuffing. There were only two of us. No worries.
I'm hungry. Apple pie first.
Race day came 3 days later in Denver. This is the last race of the
TIAA CREF Series.
Start went OK with Brandon Dwight and TJ getting a small gap. On
lap 3, I bridged the gap from the group from the group of 4 I was
in. Doug was there too but feeling sluggish---he just got off a
plane from San Fran but made the race. We were both sporting about
6 layers due to the sub 30 degree temperatures. Our last layer included
the all important wristbands. We now have two sets---one SRAM and
one DC.
Back to the race---the wind was bitter and kept the fans in the
cars. The course was good and even had a grass section---rare in
CO. With 5 to go, I made a move and got a 5 second gap over TJ.
He kept bringing me back in the headwind but finally, I made it
stick. I took the victory and the overall for a trophy and some
nationals money. Doug took 10th overall and could buy the Baja Fresh
for the post race meal. So look for us going back east and back
to the lowlands for some more work in the pain cave. Verge Series
this weekend and Nationals the next weekend.
Over and out |
Reminder: Garro
Palooza in one weeks time.
Today I went out and rode two and half hours in the wind. I'm bored
even typing it. Nothing much to report, other than this was the most
sensible Saturday group ride I have ever seen in the Northland.
Everyone on the same page. No stupid efforts. No one trying to blow
it apart in the first twenty minutes, only to go home after an hour.
No overlapping wheels and gaps you could drive a truck through. Just
a nice, steady, double paceline into some bitch ass cold wind whipping
off the lakes.
I look forward to more of the same. As long as the snow holds out.
Looks like we got a touch of the white stuff up on the Peaks last night.
Fine by me, as long is its there and I'm here.
Don't miss out on a real sweetheart of a bike. This early 90's Mantis
XTR is being auctioned off to help cover my man Steve Garro's medical
bills and other expenses after his little incident involving a car.
Not only are you helping out one of Flagstaff's original mountain bikers,
you are buying a piece of history. See the auction over here.
[fucked] movingtargetzine.com/article/lances-people-kill-skidstrong
[bush] washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/...
[op/ed] dailypress.com/news/opinion/dp-31574sy0dec03...
[poll] http://cgi.doonesbury.com/cgi-bin/view_poll.cgi
[bike] http://www.velonews.com/news/fea/9233.0.html
I guess it's time to unload some email.
| |
From: John
Subject: DemonCats cycle drunk in Richmond!!!
Big Jonny,
To tell you the truth, I've just gotten into DrunkCyclist on a daily
basis, and it rocks.
We raced in RVA (Richmond, VA) last month for the Frankenstein
Race. The afterparty was in south RVA, which apparently, has a
high crime rate. There was plenty of Iron City Beer, but no food.
After a hard alleycat (RVA is all hills), and a few ICBs, We called
up the pizza place to find out they don't deliver to that address
after midnight. Man, that sucks!
"Where's the nearest pizza place?" I ask the assembled group
in the living room.
"Andelli's (or some Italian sounding name)!!! They're awesome!
Three blocks over and seven blocks up (dont remember the name,
I'm drunk!) Ave."
Nice! RVA Kevin says he'll come with! Always good to ride with
RVA Kevin. We get 4 blocks into the ride in the middle of the
night on a divided avenue, when behind us pulls up a car and starts
laying on the horn. They yelling shit at us. The usual shit:
"Get of the road!!!"
"Faggots!!!" I took offense to that one, because I wasn't wearing
Lycra!!! WTF!!!
So on and so on for fifteen seconds or so.
Then I hear the engine rev up and they start to do a wide pass
around us. They are giving us the fingers and still yelling. A
white chic driving and two black dudes in the passenger seat and
back seat.
In order to yell at us, their window is about halfway rolled
down. What they haven't seen til a few seconds from now, is that
I am riding on the hood of my drop bars. Holding the bars with
my left hand. My right hand is resting on the bar.
Holding a 3/4 full can of Iron City Beer. A cold ICB!!! About
to become an ICBM!!!
I look at these fucks with drunken disgust and fling my can of
beer with all my might. Simply intending to hit the car.
The can flies through the air in a perfect arc, tumbling top
over bottom, foam flinging intermittently through the air.
And into their half open window!!! WOW!!!
The can explodes on their dash board!!! Foam flying out the open
windows. The car swerving at the surprise down the empty avenue.
By the time they regain control, they come to a stop about half
a block in front of us. I do a U-turn and jump over the median
riding the other way, laughing like a drunken idiot!
The guys have gotten out of the car and are chasing Kevin, yelling
"You sons-of-bitches!!!" and so on. I look back and RVA Kevin
is riding slowly out of their reach while giving them the finger,
also laughing.
We ride a block down and a block over and into an alleyway. We
wait five minutes. We can't stop laughing. RVA says he happy he
left his concealed weapon at home tonight!
We pop back out onto the avenue. Empty once again. We finish
our ride to the pizza place. We order buffalo wings, a large sausage
pizza and a large cheese pizza.
We ride back to the house carrying everything. We sit out on
the porch greedily eating our fill before taking the rest into
the house where it promptly disappears into multiple pieholes!
Drunk Cyclist is like a church. That was my confession. How many
Hail Marys needed to atone?
Racing for Victory and Iron City Beer!!!
John
Demon Cats
Courier Racing Collective
"We own the street!"
demoncats.com
|
Drunkcyclist is a church. Now get out there and ride.
I'm quite sure Chipps would approve. And, if it matters, I also approve.
| |
From: Peraldo
Subject: I saw Jean Schmidt at a race today
I knew it would happen here in Cincy. She is a runner, I am a triathlete.
I have been a part of the Leukemia Society's Team in Training
as was she. This is one of the best races in the area so I knew
that she would be there and that I would be too...
I figured that since I have been riding my bike more than I had
been running, that I would line up at just ahead of the 8 min
per mile pace signs instead of 7 min signs. When the gun went
off I once again realized that being honest with your fitness
has a price as I spent the first two miles passing all of the
posers who really think that they can run 6 minute miles on no
training...but hey that's running. I think I ran 2.5 miles in
that time just to get around them. I settled into a 7:40 pace
and held it there thinking that I would just maintain. I passed
a bunch of folks dressed like they were ready for an Arctic expedition,
they were starting to blow up hard because they body temps were
now measured in Kelvin.
At mile 4 it happened. I saw her ahead. You cannot mistake Jean
Schmidt, she is fit, petite and a decent enough runner but lately
she has brought the discourse of our country to a new low, so
I had to say something by way of gesture or word, anything but
definitely something. Not disparaging, or crass but right. I looked
at her as I passed She was struggling. Breathing like a freight
train they way that only happens at redline...I looked again shook
my head and wagged my finger as if to say, "Shame on you Jean
Schmidt. You said that you would never do that, but you did. Shame!!".
As I passed her, her eyes flared a little and she surged, but
I knew there was no way she would keep up. She was spent there
at mile 4 and I was barely breathing. It made me think about all
of those folks who lined up way faster than their times, some
out of innocence and some who knew that it was wrong. It is all
based upon honor. Your honest assessment of where you really stand.
I told you that she is an experienced runner so you can draw your
opinion about why she was being dropped so hard.
I was slow this year but not hideous. I predicted my time to
be around 47 minutes for the 10K and that is where I landed. It
was honest. Relating this event to what is happening in our country,
let's hope that we can get more honesty out of Washington, not
only in discourse but an honest assessment of where we really
stand in this great land and in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Let's hope that Jean Schmidt can learn from this as well as the
response to recent remarks. |
For those you you not in the know, Jean
Schmidt insinuated that decorated
vietnam war veteran John Murtha was a "coward" for his comments
on Iraq and suggesting it was time to start bringing the boys home.
Needless to say, her "insinuation" did not go
over well and she later apologized.
You can be sure Schmidt was in the wrong when the likes of Ann
Coulter jumps on the bandwagon. A woman like
that is company you just don't want.
| |
From: Dejay
Subject: florida
yeah well maybe,
what do you think of when florida come to mind?......
as fr as mtbing goes flat, sandy, maybe boring....well contrare
mo-frare i road this trail for the last to day (oleta river park)
nothing but tight singletrack and more roots then you could imagine.
they call it river park, yet it is a mile from the ocean, no fresh
water to be found.
this is the only place to mtb do to the hurricane that said a big
hello 3 weeks ago. the entire city and surrounding area of miami
looks like a ghetto. no street light, roofs gone, boarded up windows,
and just shit everywhere.
out of 7 mtb areas the area has, only this one is open. at least
there is a place to ride. something that i have not done in about
2 weeks. oh yeah did i mention i'm racing tomorrow. it's fuc**ng
december what the shit!!! on a borrowed mrazek converted to singlespeed
(duh)(thanks gary) total hodge podge. yeah. florida has 2 categories
beg/sport and expert/semi pro/pro...everybody go. when your drinkin
wine from the bottle, you ever notice how fast it goes, thanks
pinot.
it does not matter how high the bird flies, but what it can see
from that height
go for a ride, with peanutbutter filled pretzels |
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
I think this next one has to do with El Tour.
| |
From: joey kook
Subject: the fastest gun
Yup, lovedog was right that Curtis rode in flying the big H, but
that days ride was compliments of Mr.Short and Pizza Hut. And Phillips
pointed the way the Saturday b4. He said that Gunn was the "Worthy
Soul" still looking for an entry. I figured if He and Macfarland
were busy breaking a chain on the backside of Gates the Tues b4,
he might as well be The Man. Now I'm wondering if Ralph will cut
me a deal on those knee warmers. Curtis, you da man, but I'm still
not kissin ya no matter what shirt Phil gave you. And doesn't anybody
else stop and mack out at the washes? Isn't that what the dust clouds
are for? nakked time!!!
BILLIE where the fuck is my feed!?!?!Biatch, stop playin with your
fkn power tap. |
And this next one definitely does.
| |
From: Jdub from Tuck-son
Subject: Fixed El Tour report
Mr. SingleSwizzle.com (Shawn) and myself decided to ride the El
Tour on fixies. Him on his Pista and me on my Iro. We were pretty
worried about gear selection and both decided on 44/16 (although
Shawn said Rudi was going easier, around 42/17 and I think and he
is a lot stronger and more experienced fixie wise than us) so I
was kinda sweating it. I kicked around ratios 'til I just decided
to say fuck it and ride what I got. It's only 109 miles. Shit, last
time I rode that far on anything was an up n' over Mt. Lemmon over
a year ago...and that was 10+ hrs on an SS...and I DNFed the Soul
Ride 2 times. I did figure if 109 miles was gonna take me this long
on the road, I brought a pistol along to finish myself off with
after the ride (just kidding of course). It actually went pretty
well. Other than a 30 minute pit stop trying to true Shawn's rear
wheel (self built and of course spoke tension wasn't checked before
the ride....or anytime before...) it was easier than I thought.
We came in at 6:55...which isn't scorching, but I think if we actually
trained a bit for something like this and maintained equipment,
I don't see why a sub 6 hr effort is too much to ask. I don't know
how many other fixie guys there were. We saw a couple others on
the ride, and I know Rudi rode it, but it would be cool to know.
Post ride hydration and festivities did follow to the tune of "I
don't remember passing out on the couch....". Of course I went down
with a half full bottle of swill in my hand.
partypics.com/ver2/ViewImage.aspx?OrderNo=26110905&Roll=00092&Frame=0047
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That's what I call keeping the faith.
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From: Pistol Pete
Subject: Quote:"I ain't a killer, but don't push me..."
Well,
Mexico is rockin´this year. Yes. Drivin´ an old VW van and runnin´a
hotrod Elecra beach cruiser just might be the shit. Crossed paths
with a crazy German hippy biker chick my first day in the Tropics.
Who´dathunk they was gonna eat German while traveling in Messico?!?
Anyhoo, me´n the cruiser been tearin´ around the jungle trails,
but that volcanic rock shreds the rubber boy, that´s fo´ sho´. Hate
to trade in the Conti´s for some Mexican rubber but it sure works
for the boys... These cats ride some fuckin´junk to some amazing
places. In fact we´re off to the hotsprings now...
Pistol out... |
Pistol Pete, making a difference one day at a time.
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From: Ruben
Subject: What it do playa?
What it do big J? See that the easy livin has been taken it's toll
on you out west. Ain't nothing like a little eatin in the winter
to make fuel for the spring. Isn't that how it's supposed to go?
Over here on the Gulf Coast it ain't been any better..... Anyway,
I had to chime in that I wanna know what the fuck is wrong with
pro cyclist today!? Heras, out of all people, testing positive,
TWICE!!??!?! It just crushes me that the spindly little Spaniard
took it a day (and probably more often too) ahead of winning the
Vuelta. I just didn't see it coming to be frank; or rather I didn't
want to see it coming. Dave Evil called it though, and I thought
he was just squatting to fart again, but no, he was right and the
load came all out. Sucks man, really sucks. Keep the rubber side
down and stay away from that EPO shit, it's a mofucka! |
You ain't kidding brother. I think the following says it best:
Cycle Sport Broomwagon November 2005 issue:
Spot the difference
Roberto Heras, July 2005 - unable to climb the stairs
Roberto Heras, September 2005 - 15 stitches in his knee, romping away
to win the Vuelta by five minutes.
Heras finished 45th in the Tour, one hour and thirty eight minutes
down. Come Vuelta time he's a rockstar. Kinda funny, eh?
And lets not even get started on the level he was riding at on US Postal.
He was lighting the world on fire, at the Tour and the Vuelta. Riding
so fast, Lance Armstrong once had to ask him to slow down while following
him up a climb.
It doesn't really look good, does it?
I'll pimp some news. 'Cause I'm a legitimate cycling website, don't
cha know?
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From: Steve
Subject: SELLE SAN MARCO SEEKS RETAIL PARTNERS TO BUILD STRONG
FEMININE FOLLOWING
2006 Womens Aspide Glamour Collection Features Italian Innovation
And World-Class Performance
(Fort Collins, CO) November 29, 2005 - - Selle San Marco, the premier
manufacturer of Italian performance bicycle saddles is introducing
a collection designed to appeal to performance and comfort-minded
female cyclists.
The Aspide Glamour, Glamour Race Gel and Glamour Arrowhead saddles
combine decades of world-class performance with the latest in
anatomical science and state-of-the-art materials. All Selle San
Marco aftermarket saddles are designed and manufactured by hand
in the cycling-rich Veneto region of Italy.
"The Aspide Glamour Collection has been specifically designed
to be the ultimate saddle for women racers and enthusiasts," states
Tom Petrie, of Velimpex Marketing, US Agent for Selle San Marco.
"We're eager to get these saddles into the hands of the dealers
that have or want to build a strong female customer base." |
No shit, had that one in the inbox since, well, November 27th.
Drunkcyclist.com: Last week's news today.
Fuck it, I'm Audi.
I got sick of the old intro flashy splashy page, so I parked it over
here.
I just said screw it to yesterdays update that never really quite got
done. Instead, I'll just roll it all into on big Happy Friday update.
Seems better that way somehow.
First up, one hell of a bike:
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From: Gitty
Subject: Garro
We are trying to help a good freind, Steve Garro of Coconino
Cycles in paying his medical bills from a recent bicycle/automobile
accident (he was on the bike). You can read more about it here.
We are auctioning this beautiful bike off that was donated by
John Strnad of Cosmic Cycles in Flagstaff, AZ .
cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem....
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Not only is it a kick ass bike, you'll be helping out a fellow cyclist
in need. And, along those same lines, keep December 10 open on your
calender kids, 'cause Garro
Palooza is coming.
Two new sets of kick as fenders from the one and only Cody lead off
this link dump. And like my man Keith said in an email this morning,
"…the big list of links sucks. I mean you are already posting last week's
news today…"
There you have it folks, Drunkcyclist.com: Last week's news today.
[Sale] cgi.ebay.com/Bicycle-Fenders-Purpleheart-maple-Ying-Yang-Set...
[Sale] cgi.ebay.com/Bicycle-Fenders-Custom-Wood-striped-Surfer...
[Bush] fadishist.com/product_info.php?products_id=1
[Bush] babybushtoys.com
[Beer] democratandchronicle.com/apps/pbcs.dll/...
[Fucked] mosnews.com/news/2005/12/02/needlebrain.shtml
[Hottie] resh99.com/news-anchor-melissa-theuriau.htm
[News] ocweekly.com/ink/06/12/news-kidd.php
[Coffee] velocecoffee.com/page.php
[Cool] floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051129/BREAKINGNEWS...
[Bike] slate.com/id/2131049/
[Lies] thinkprogress.org/2005/12/01/embedded-time-reporter/
[Lies] talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/007148.php
Two days, two rides. Go figure. And so it begins. Since I'm actually
going to attempt to be seriouis about this riding crap from here on
out, I have undoubtely cursed the entire state of Arizona to the harshest
winter on record.
If I'm not riding, bright sunny days. Riding, 40 mph winds and ice
falling sideways out of the sky.
Why? Because Jesus hates me, that's why.
And, holy shit, it's Friday. I've never been happier about anything
in my entire life.
Catch ya'll on the flipside.
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